Thursday, February 04, 2010

Thought-filled Thursday

Matt. 6:1 Take heed that ye do not your alms before men, to be seen of them: otherwise ye have no reward of your Father which is in heaven.
***

Today I have a trillion things on my mind. Did I say trillion, yeah that’s the new figure the Prez is throwing out so I thought I’d use it too instead of saying a million. It makes it sound like so much more than a mil, eh?

First on my list are thoughts of why I write. I’ll have to elaborate on another post as to the WHY part. Second is that my feelings got hurt last night by my father and when it is your father, you can’t wake up and the feeling be gone.

You see, my family has never been supportive of me as a writer. If I’m not making a million dollars and sharing it all with them, then this journey is a worthless mission. And they pretty much let me know it.

If I say, I published a poem, my dad replies, “How much did ya get paid for it?” I say, “Well, they published it on the net and I get exposure and a contributors copy of their magazine.” He grumbles, “Well that’s not gonna feed ya.”

Does he even know that my writing DOES feed me? If I didn’t write, I would wither away into nothingness. I wouldn’t exist anymore. It is the very essence of my being that this thing called “writing” feeds.

People always ask writer’s what they get paid. If you’re not getting paid then their eyes roll into the backs of their head, and they look at you like you’ve lost your marbles. I remember last year when we were in a ‘Government agency’, I had told the lady I was homeschooling my son, I was a stay at home mom, and a writer. Her words? “Well you need to get a real job.”

Writing isn’t a job? Unless you get paid? How many authors out there are writing to fulfill a dream, trying so hard in life to actually become something, only to be discouraged by family? Aren’t they the ones who are supposed to stand by you and lift you up?

Oh I get it, they’re afraid I’ll get so down-on-my-luck that I’ll need to crawl to them for,dare I say the word, money! I’ve never asked my family or anyone for that matter for money. If they give it to me, it is because, I thought, they wanted to be a caring and compassionate person so they feel right with God, with their soul. Boy was I wrong, they do it so they can feel good about themselves and then say, “Hey God, I helped them, can you let me in now?”

It is a rare person who reaches out to you in your time of need, with no ulterior motive other than a compassionate heart. I realized the hard way, that my family isn’t the compassionate, loving creatures that God created. If they read this, they would become so defensive as to cover their BUTTS, and would, in their nature, make me feel ashamed, discouraged and belittled AGAIN!

I want to thank MY TRUE FRIENDS, who actually only know me through a screen, who gets me for all that I am., they love and care, they’re real people who lift me up.

And to the only family that I have, Steven, Adam and the rest of Steven’s family. They’re REAL people!

godspeed...

9 comments:

Ana said...

Hi Joni,
I understand how you feel. I have had the same problem with some members of my family but I have a sort of REGULAR JOB so what I do with my money is up to me.

I don't know but it is just a suggestion.Why don't you coach people? You are very good and I suppose that some people would like to have you as a COACH. You could do it through your BLOG.

What do you think?

Ana

:-)

Ro said...

I know how you feel. Well, sort of. When I was diagnosed with MS and my right eye went blind, I couldn't work for awehile and was denied by disability twice. I gave up aftr that. My family urged me to suck it up and go back to work, explaining how yeah, they were tired too. So I went back to work and was blind 4 months later. Now, I won't let anyone persuade me to do anything. I am the only one who knows what is right for me. It's me and God. I know how much it can hurt, especially coming from Dad though. Ick. It's like, can't you just be proud of me? He is, now. But it took me going blind for him to really understand my disability.

*hugs* You just keep on keepin on.

joni said...

Hi Ana,
I leave coaching up to June. :-) She's a pro and qualified at it too.

Me? I'm just a writer. I feel like one of those kids who run out to Hollywood, with dreams of being a STAR, only for their parents to say, "Yeah righ!" That is until they are Brad Pitt with oodles of bucks falling out of their pockets. I bet family crawls out of the woodwork in 'support' of their 'loved one.


Thanks Ro,
And darn it, my spoon count was running high too! lol
I'm a writer, I can handle rejection, but I'm sorry to say, when it's your dad and the very person you aim to please the most in life, it hurts.

He just came through surviving (yes surviving, woohoo) cancer. He doubted his chances of recovery,I had said, "What, did you lose your faith when you needed it the most?"
He said, "You've never been that close to death."
I thought,"If you only knew how deep the knife that you tore into my heart went, you'd understand."

Ugh! I could do an entire years worth of dysfunctional family stories, but I'll move on and aim higher and pray to my Lord. It's Him and I against the world!

Look out people! :-)My friends are MY family!!!

Jnoi! :-)

Ana said...

Is there a way we can help you?I'll think about it and over.

Best,

Ana

Cheer up!
There are always people who will be glad to help

:-)

Donna Sundblad said...

Writing can be lonely is some ways, but only writers can understand that is it is part of who we are...it's like the heart beating within us.

I attended a workshop tonight and my husband and I were the only ones who showed, so we ended up talking with the writer. I really went to support as I really didn't care if I learned about how to write a query. :)

While I didn't care to attend for the original topic, it was time well spent. One writer encouraging another. It went both ways.

Stormcrow said...

Our parents set examples for us, whether they are teaching us how to raise our own children, or teaching us how not to raise them. Their input is valuable one way or the other, we just have to be wise enough to know the difference.

joni said...

Ana,
Thanks for your caring heart. I'm a survivor too, of anything life throws at me. The only thing one can do for me, is Pray. The power of prayer exceeds anything physical someone can do. :-)

Stormcrow,
Then it must be true, I am wise beyond my years. ;-) My parents have taught me an enormous amount of things to do and not to do. I do cherish them, but the pain, I think it sticks with you.

Oh, maybe I'll write a poem? :-)

June said...

It's truly sad that our culture (as much of the world's) thinks that MONEY is a masure of success or joy or happiness.

I love that you equate writing to being fed. Oh! How very true!

Writing, being a parent -- both are the REAL jobs. What I do during the day time is just "stuff."

Choose your friends wisely, for your family, whether supportative or not, will always be your family.

Yes, family (and even friends) can have attitudes that hurt. I try to remember that I can't change them, but I can SHOW them that I am HAPPY to be who and what I am.

Don't give up sharing your joys and successes with family and friends. Let go and let be the reactions that aren't helpful to you.

(Doesn't this sound a lot like what we tell other writers? LOL Show-don't tell.....When you get feedback from others, take what is helpful and leave the rest. ??? WOW!)

Love ya Joni!

Take care,
June

joni said...

Donna! Glad to see you here! I hope things are well with you!

Your statement is so true! Maybe I look for my family to lend encouragement, but they really don't understand a writer or a writer's life one iota.

Writers helping writers, sounds like a motto I've heard somewhere. ;-)


June,

"take what is helpful and leave the rest." Good advice if I do so say so myself. ;-) Hey wait, I have said so, numerous times! lol
Now learn from it Joni!

Maybe I'll just tell my family I sit and do absolutely nothing all day. :-) lol

Thanks for your support! It means a lot to me!!!

Joni