Monday, December 02, 2013

Happy Birthday Christopher

Pss. 91: 11 For he shall give his angels charge over thee, to keep thee in all thy ways.

To whom it may concern (or not) I am emotionally drained at this time and am in prayer for forgiveness, for understanding and for strength in fighting the enemy that sees me down and thinks this is the best time to attack. Just like him isn’t it? To kick me when I’m down?

You may say, “What’s wrong with her now?” Allow me to tell you.

Back in 1982 I found myself, a young teenager, pregnant. Two years prior I became a born-again Christian, so this pregnancy didn’t bode well with my Catholic family and me. My dad asked me what I wanted to do and without hesitation I said, keep my baby!

Talk about feeling unworthy! But by the grace of God I was saved and my pending due date was set for December 12th of that year. By November of that year God had a different plan for my life and it was clearly evident to me.

On the cold Thanksgiving Day, November 28th of 1982, I ate my meal and was feeling pretty sick with pains I assumed was gas. I was a child and knew nothing of what I was to feel, I thought the baby was moving around kicking me with no room to move with all that food I had put in my stomach.

The next day I arose, not feeling right. God and I had been talking, as we always did, and he was telling me it was time. Still young in my faith, I didn’t know how to interpret the meaning but I knew I had to go see the doctor because the baby had stopped moving.

I arrived at the doctors and my worst fear was realized, no heartbeat meant my baby had quietly fell asleep. I was sent to the hospital where they had ultrasound equipment to verify what I had known and felt. My baby was no more.

The father of the baby and my mother both went to the hospital with me and we all received the news, the baby was dead, gone, not meant to be. I was told I would have to allow my body ‘to reject the fetus’; those cold heartless words ring in my ear to this day! I would carry a lifeless being inside my body. I had to face my family and had to be strong or this would be the life of me.

Now keep in mind that my four brothers all hated the idea of me keeping the baby and had told me over and over again how I should’ve just killed ‘it’. My sister had her own issues with me keeping the baby. Only my mother, father and boyfriend had accepted my CHOICE in keeping my baby!

At 3:17 am on December 2, I gave birth to a son; a son who would never look me in the eyes. A son who would lay on that cold slab, never to let out his first cry. A son who made an angelic appearance at entry into the world by lighting the room to where even the doctor and nurse were mystified. Christopher Alexander was STILL born!

Pss. 148: 2 Praise ye him, all his angels: praise ye him, all his hosts.

I didn’t hold him, I didn’t do what now in hindsight I wished I had done and left the hospital later that day to recover at home. Mortified and empty I felt alone.

Everyone had assumed I would hate God for this and at my follow up appointment with the heartless doctor, he asked me how I was holding up emotionally.

“Well” I said, “devastated, empty, lonely, heartbroken. Every emotion you can imagine.”

He began jotting down stuff. “Are you angry at God for this?”

“NO!” I exclaimed point blank. “God took my son because He needed him. He is giving him more than I could ever imagine.”

He jotted more. In later years when I had finally got my medical records through unlikely resources, I saw that the doctor had jotted down ‘patient is unattached’, ‘shows no emotion’!

I wanted to sue the man’s pants off but again, I was a child; I knew nothing but I did understand forgiveness. I had to forgive this creepy, heartless, unfeeling doctor if I was ever to move on in life.

Every year it gets easier, but this year the memories hit hard because Thanksgiving fell on the 28th. The flood of emotions were overwhelming to the point not one person in my world can understand, and I don’t want you to just to spare you the pain.

I’ve grown a lot in these 31 years; I still speak to the Lord, I hear him in everything I do and carry Him wherever I go. Maybe now you can understand my indebtedness to my Savior and why I am such a faithful servant.

For by grace was I saved and He has never ONCE let me down. I may fall in the pit sometimes but the enemy won’t sway me while I’m down there, I carry a LIGHT within never to darken.

Matt. 4: 11 Then the devil leaveth him, and, behold, angels came and ministered unto him.


Tiggs said...

Oh Joni, There is nothing I can say, but that you are loved by God and so is your son. I cannot even imagine how it must feel, but I still cannot stop the tears for you.

I will be praying that you can feel Gods arms wrapped around you at this time.

Love ya,

joni said...

It is my faith and God's love for me that has kept me somewhat sane over the many years.

While my heart might be heavy with grief, it is softened by the warmth of God's love wrapped around me.

I only grow stronger with each passing year because I know I'll get to see Christopher and Astri at the gates of Heaven.

Love ya Tigs! Your support means tons!!!

Anonymous said...

Happy Birthday, Christopher. Love ya, girl and love that you are taking the time to take care of you. <3 <3 Ang

joni said...

Thanks Ang!

I'm slowly beginning to feel better.

My mother, sister and niece all remembered and it was heartwarming, since my nieces hadn't even been born yet. They knew the story and the pain I went through every year.

God needed to have a talk with me and I Him and can't do it with the chaos of Facebook running rampant in my brain.

I miss my friends but my true friends understand. It does comfort me knowing you, Tigs, and Deb have all reached out to me.

I love you all!

Janet said...

Hi Joni,

I haven't visited your site for a while, and now see you've been writing so much beautiful poetry.

Also, your tribute to Christopher is heartfelt and very moving. God bless!

joni said...

Thanks for visiting Janet!

It's all about poetry with me now.

Had to get my priorities straight, and now, all feels right. :)

Thanks again!