Psalm 19:1-2 KJV “The heavens declare the glory of God; and the firmament sheweth his handywork. Day unto day uttereth speech, and night unto night sheweth knowledge.”
Not of this world
I sometimes feel like I am not of this world. I look around and see foreign matter that I don’t understand and beg God for the clarity I need to see the layers within that keep me alive. The past four months have changed me even more so that I feel I am no longer a part of this world. I walk in the fog and see the Light in the distance.
An intricate tapestry is beautiful on one side but on the back, it’s not so pretty; you see the remnants of threads, some strings and knots but you never see the full picture that’s on the front. God created everything that way. You need to look deep within a person to see the true beauty of Him. People may look not so perfect to your eyes on the outside but when you get to know the person personally, they are quite different. I may look beautiful to you on the outside but on the inside, my very cells are at war. There are death and destruction battling inside me that even me, the host of these cells, has no control over.
James 1:12 KJV “Blessed is the man that endureth temptation: for when he is tried, he shall receive the crown of life, which the Lord hath promised to them that love him.”
I think it is in our nature to size situations up. It’s okay though as long as you don’t judge. In my sin, I most admittedly judge all situations I’m confronted with. I fall to my knees daily in repentance but I feel the Lord understands my weaknesses and fault and thus the reason he sent his son to carry the weight of mankind’s and my own sin.
In all honesty, in my illness, I feel like I really size people up more than I ever did before. I look at the healthy and envy. I see them happy with life, I crave. I watch as smiles light their faces, I yearn. I fall to sleep at night and plead... for mercy.
I want to ask the whys. Why me, why now. But I know full well the answer. This is a part of my journey that God himself has chosen for me and in it, I will endure, persevere, and rise above knowing that we crossed this path together and me, I am promised a crown of glory if I hold steadfast.
Isaiah 30:15, “This is what the Sovereign LORD, the Holy One of Israel, says: ‘In repentance and rest is your salvation, in quietness and trust is your strength, but you would have none of it.’” (NIV)
From Bible Gateway – Lynn Cowell -“These difficult times in our lives can be the exact opportunities we need to learn not to quit. Here, we learn to be brave and to do the hard things again and again and again. In the tough places, we can learn that our God is faithful to help us; He will never leave or forsake us. That is when the bad thing becomes a good thing.”
While I have decided to brave this storm in my life with the aided assistance of my friends and God alone (no doctors and tests), this road is one I’ve never wished to be on or would like to see anyone have to endure in their lifetime. Writing has been my saving grace for YEARS and at times, I don’t even feel like writing and expressing myself.
While I can’t get my hands on the Sacred Plant (cannabis), I’ve watched testimonial after testimonial of people using the HERB to CURE this disease. I’ve watched as older men and women cross state lines to secure their aid with the healing regimen, only to feel wrong because they have to do something illegal that they would NEVER normally do. Their life depends on becoming basically a criminal to SAVE their own or their children’s lives.
Doctors are only concerned with drugs, the government is wrapped up in duct tape, while humans become victims of a society gone wrong. I watch as a regime dismantles websites and organizations set up to help patients, be taken down or ‘fidgeted’ with. I watch as millions possibly billions of dollars are spent on drugs and jails, bill after bill passed for texting and driving or drinking and driving, while MEDICINAL cannabis is taking the back seat on the trolley car.
While I’m up to twenty supplements a day, they could all stop with one little CBD THC pill, not the hemp oil pill which is legal in all fifty states. But it’s okay, while my friends send me to site after site, I am no longer interested in the cannabis lifeline. I cannot afford $130 for 30 hemp oil pills, I won’t go the illegal route, and I won’t crumble! While there is Hope and promise in the Sacred Plant, I’m holding onto hope in the Sacred One and Only.
As God helps me to not feel so alien in this world I do say with a smile, “It’s about time.” Fifty years for God to show me I AM of this world. God is lighting my path in rays of sunbeams streaming through the fog. E.T. wants to go home but God replies, “It’s not your time!” I get it, I get it. A little more endurance and persistence, then will I go home? A mighty resounding YES!
Joshua 1:9 “Have not I commanded thee? Be strong and of a good courage; be not afraid, neither be thou dismayed: for the LORD thy God is with thee whithersoever thou goest.”