Job 6:11 “What is my strength, that I should hope? and what is mine end, that I should prolong my life?”
The Tunnel Season
I’m calling this the tunnel season because this is the season of my life I trek through a long dark tunnel. I don’t know if any of you have ever been in an underwater tunnel that gets you from one side of the city to the other side but back home, we had TWO. The Harbor tunnel was a long stretch, dimly lit four-lane tunnel, two lanes in and two out. I remember when I was a kid my mother always dreaded driving through that tunnel as fear and claustrophobia gripped her. She would often choose the route through the congested city to get to my aunt’s house instead of putting herself through the trauma. The tunnel runs 1.45 miles under the Inner Harbor.
When I began this journey of a lifetime back in January, I thought the walk through the tunnel would be difficult but definitely doable. I’m about two or three city blocks into the tunnel and the end is not in sight yet and I’m feeling my own claustrophobia rattle my brain. I chose to walk through the tunnel and not go through the city streets to reach my destination; I chose to take the hard, isolated, lonely way.
You see, to me, the chemo slice and dice method is taking the route through the city. There are benches placed at bus stops for you to rest, there are blinking crosswalk signs to get you safely across the street, there are even garbage cans along the route for you to dump any extra baggage you might be carrying. Me, in the tunnel of solitude, I don’t have those luxuries. I have gas emissions from the cars (toxins) to inhale; I have dim lighting (people for me and against my choice); I’ve chosen to walk the walk as opposed to driving, and thus far, it feels as if I’m walking on my hands.
My life has been turned upside down and there is no dispute about it, this is the challenging route. I’m a quarter of a mile in the tunnel and it seems one of the cars broke down up ahead. It started out an empty tunnel, a car here, a car there but now as I look ahead, I see the backed up cars. This journey isn’t getting any easier or lighter to bear, no this is getting more difficult and heavier than expected. I expected ups and downs, stops and starts, but I wasn’t expecting a traffic jam where everything comes to halt and looks as if the jam is not a jam it’s a crash that emergency crew help is having trouble getting to the scene. They’re not here for me anyway.
I’ve been a little depressed lately as my three illnesses battle each other with each one individually wanting to take front and center. With my arthritis, I have a swelled typing finger and a right knee that is pained feeling what little weight I have left bearing down. My psoriasis gets inflamed with sun exposure and this other crud I’m carrying NEEDS the sun as a vitamin D natural source. Then my neck started in with its seething pain. I believe it to be from sleeping wrong but the pain won’t let up and I’m not willing to take pain medication.
Then the eclipse happened and things took a weird turn. Just weird things started happening and I want to attribute it to the eclipse but the reality is, crud happens. Besides the spectacular orbs in the sky shadowing each other, then there's the echoing posts on Facebook and the other day my trusty laptop stopped connecting to the modem. It’s been fine for eight months but suddenly just stopped working and my tech savvy man is finding it difficult to fix. Then there’s the concern that in January when my vitamin supplements run out, the funds are depleted, I will battle on empty handed. That’s just the way my life is, drag me behind a fast moving car and let’s see if I live. Never a dull moment. This is it. I hope I can climb out of this funk because as it looks right now…it’s gonna be awhile.
Then I feel SO petty with my mundane complaints when thousands are out there struggling through the Storm of the Century, Hurricane Harvey hitting Houston! I pray, I meditate and I cry, all stress that is not doing me any good.
Everyone pretending to be happy shakes my faith in society as a whole. Now some people are finally starting to see what I’ve been seeing for months now how we are basically under a governing regime. From food, water, to medical needs the government turning a blind eye except where their money is concerned. I am left to wonder…
Thank you to all who stood stoically by my side. And to the ones who don’t give a flying fig but pretend you do…. I got nothing.
Job 7:6 “My days are swifter than a weaver's shuttle, and are spent without hope.”