Tuesday, February 06, 2018

I Had A Bad Day...

Job 7:14 “Then thou scarest me with dreams, and terrifiest me through visions:”

I had a bad day

When a nightmare wakes me throughout the night, this title should really be, I had a bad night. The other day I woke early in the morning not my usual chipper self. I woke in tears and tears defined the greater part of my day. I guess I'm allowed a bad day/night on occasion. Glad they're not frequent.

We usually wake and go shopping, but this day I woke grumpy with two inches of snow on the ground and heavy stuff still falling from the sky. This winter has been a temperature roller coaster ride as well as the ups and downs of emotions. Normally I have my emotions in check but here lately everything is triggering a reaction in me.

My nightmare began with a doctor visit located in a hospital room not much different than the room I was in last year when I received my diagnosis before being forced into test after detrimental test. 

In my nightmare the nurse squeaked into the room, tearing off linens on the bed across from me. She was running off in the mouth. I asked her what she was doing and she quickly spits out, “We’re prepping you for surgery. That breast is nasty looking and the doctor needs to remove it, or you’re gonna die, gonna die, gonna die.” The sound was echoing over and over.

“Wait, I’m not going to have surgery. I have a choice!” My voice didn’t echo like hers, it sounded more like a soft whisper.  

“But if you’re gonna die, gonna die, gonna die,” my husbands says with the echo now in his voice. His face was really close to mine as the echo made his face look like the wicked House of Mirrors.

“I am NOT having surgery,” I screamed that one pretty loud but still no one could hear me. It was like my lips were moving but everything went on, movements in the room heads nodding in disagreement as if I wasn’t there. I was seriously expecting Pennywise from the King book ‘It’ to just pop out and start cackling but instead…

“But you’re gonna die, gonna die, gonna die! It looks nasty, nasty, nasty,” the nurse cackled with an eerie looking grin.

You get the gist of the nightmare. Fear, laughing, taunting all in line before I forced the blankets off of me and battled the cold reality of the morning. Tears still streaming down my face, when my husband said something to me, I snapped at him. That is so unlike me! I said, “I just had a terrible nightmare, please don’t do this to me today!”

He shrugged and mimicked me until I looked at him with wet eyes and started bawling my eyes out. He realized it really had to be a bad dream for me to wake in tears.

He went on with his routine to start his day; I could see his mind wandering. He ventured outside to start his truck and brush away the snow on there from the windblown covering that blanketed his truck; only a total whiteout hindered any chance of venturing off to the store at this time. I was adamant about not going with him and carrying this negative crud through the store. My son was at work and heading home in the whiteout at this very time, so that added to my stress of the early morning.

When my son arrived home, he could see I had been crying, “What’s the matter?” 

“A nightmare! I had a bad nightmare!” I know I was snappy in my reply.

“It was just a bad dream,” he says downplaying my pain. He was just returning from an eight-hour overnight shift, drove through whiteout conditions and here I was snapping at him. 

There it was, the truth of the matter, everyone is so used to seeing me as the pillar of strength that when I’m in a serious bit of stressful turmoil they don’t recognize it; they downplay my pain and shrug it off. She’ll get over it, they figure to themselves. I couldn’t get over this, not quickly anyway.

I carried throughout the day a heavy chip on my shoulder and an old time movie projector in my mind, the nightmare kept playing over and over like a broken record, “you’re gonna die, you’re gonna die, you’re gonna die.” There was just no shaking the feeling or the nightmare. This gives night terrors new meaning.

I tried venturing onto Facebook, bad idea. I felt like everyone was laughing at me, taunting me, mocking me, and disagreeing with everything I’ve worked so hard for. They were not doing any such thing, but the nightmare had my paranoia levels up and shaking this was not going to just go away with a few passing smiles for the day.

Super Bowl Sunday was then spent napping and anticipating my long-awaited arrival on Monday, our new mattress! My back has been a problem for years now and I knew it was the fifteen-year-old mattress but I also knew we couldn’t afford a new one, but with the expectancy of an income tax check, I made the suggestion to my husband of a new mattress. We thought of the costs of a chiropractor for me and the mattress was much cheaper by far. With enough supplements for two more months, I was anxiously looking forward to a comfortable nights rest on a new mattress!

I didn’t put myself through the anxiety of a football game and my husband was kind enough to sit through a Disney movie with me instead of the year’s ending of the football show. Neither one of us watched football this year as it has become its own little world. No longer an enjoyable sport-like football game, it’s now added fluff and frufru make it a waste of MY precious time. He did catch the second half (he’s a man, whatcha expect) *wink-wink* and he enjoyed watching someone else win the Super Bowl this year. 

With the Philadelphia Eagles winning the Super Bowl it just reaffirms my hope that the underdog DOES WIN on occasion! It signifies that the underdog has a chance against the powers that be, the winners of society, the boasters, and braggarts, we little folk DO win! 


James 1:12 (NIV) “Blessed is the man who perseveres under trial, because when he has stood the test, he will receive the crown of life that God has promised to those who love him.”


Monday, the mattress came…

Pss.3:5 “I laid me down and slept; I awaked; for the LORD sustained me.”

6 comments:

Unknown said...

Hugs my friend. I understand exactly how you feel about folks not understanding when you do give in and aren't the expected tower of strength they are accustomed too. There were times when I felt I spent more time consoling others about my condition then they did me. It's all part of it I'm afraid.

Don't beat yourself up, you are allowed a bad down day from time to time. You're a tower of strength and you will get through this in God's time and in His way.

Love you!

benning said...

*HUGS!* Hang in there, Toots! You're allowed to have bad days, bad nights, bad moments. Apologize when you feel better, and move on. God is witcha! :D

Because I don't have cable, I rarely get any TV below the old UHF channels. So I wasn't watching the BIG game. I went to NFL.com, though, and caught the last ten minutes. Exciting game! :D

*MORE HUGS!* <3 :D Whoo-Hoo!

joni said...

Thank you, Deb! I know you understand more than anyone at this point. You also know how important honest support is. *HUGS* *love ya tons*

Benning,
God is witcha? :P Yes, He most certainly is, as is the loving support of my friends! I know they understand me more than my own family here, much of the time!

You don't even get the basic ABC, CBS, NBC and FOX? Wow!

Oh, the mattress came and it was the best nights sleep in YEARS! It is actually going to HELP my back!

*BIG HUGS* <3 back atcha'!

Donna Sundblad said...

As humans we all have bad days, emotions that run wild. . . or is that hormones? Anyway, on this side of eternity we all have our challenges, but those of us in Christ have hope beyond our feelings and failings. For this reason I often (and I mean often) look to Philippians chapter 4. "Be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God. And the peace of God, which surpasses all comprehension, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus." Ah. . .in heart and mind. Peace.

NurseArtist said...

Joni, I"m sorry I haven't been the supportive friend lately. I've been pretty wrapped up in my own miseries and just hiding in my facebook games and facebook groups. Benning told me yesterday I was missed in 911 group in WVU. I realized that I hadn't even been writing anything lately.

It's a bad time for me because it's the time between Teresa's birthday on Jan. 12 and her death on Feb. 21. I have a tendency to withdraw from some things and dwell in others that don't require much serious thought.

But I am still there for you, and ready to help if you need anything. Hopefully, I get back in the game again soon.

Dixie

joni said...

Donna, Thank you so much! Now I know why Heather is so great. My spiritual family really lifts me when I need it most. I feel so much love from you all and believe me, on my bad days, it gets me through! Love that scripture! And yes, even on my bad days I'm crying out to Him. Always. *love and hugs to you*

Dixie, I keep an eye on you. I knew you were going through a rough time with the anniversary of Teresa's passing. That's why I told Linda and Benning that you would be back and that you were dealing with stuff. We miss you! :) And I know you're a dear friend. Take your time, I'll be here when you come back. :) Thanks for taking the time to read this! *HUGS and LOVE*