tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-139256272024-03-03T18:25:45.810-06:00Joni's Muse ~ The Poet WithinAlone one voice is nothing,<br>
together we can become a choir.<br>
One voice to tell the world,<br>
two voices bind them.<br>
I have hope to see in the dark,<br>
and all at once I'll find them.<br>
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~ Joni Zipp ~jonihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03401569094090026684noreply@blogger.comBlogger2077125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-13925627.post-47946494417093370082019-05-21T06:20:00.003-05:002019-05-21T06:20:43.873-05:00The Story Continues<b><br /></b>
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<b><span style="color: red;">John 7: 16-17 "Jesus answered them, and said, My doctrine is not mine, but his that sent me.</span></b></div>
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<b><span style="color: red;">If any man will do his will, he shall know of the doctrine, whether it be of God, or whether I speak of myself."</span></b></div>
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<b>The Story Continues</b></div>
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<b><span style="color: blue;">The story continues.</span> As you know I've been having side effects from Herceptin; pretty major ones too, and I was fearing to go to the doctor. </b><b>Earlier in the month I had my issues, Hubby had his unending cold/pneumonia, the road crew had their issues with digging up the roads after the flood and my house had its problems with the toilet leaking water all over the floor, in the basement and also the roof needing a major renovation, not having been done in twenty years or so. Then there was the sale of the property and the takeover by the new landlord. Whew, what a month of May, and it isn't even over yet.</b><br />
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<b>The month May blew in with winter still hot on its heels. Yes, winter, meaning 35 degrees at night, meaning heater clicking on during the day, meaning cold in this drafty old house. I don't even know what issue to tackle first. How about small to big? </b><br />
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<b><span style="color: blue;">The flood.</span> Washed out roads all over Nebraska and we being way on the outskirts of town saw our road dwindle and wash away. The graders who tried to grade the road saw there was nothing to grade so a new plan was in place and that was to the pave the old dirt road after I don't know how many years. I know it's been a wish of mine for some time. That was at the end of March and beginning of April but storms and cold kept them from work. A month later in the middle of May, we're now seeing signs of the paved road and people can almost go back to normal. Almost...still a five-mile detour routes and we wait.</b><br />
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<b><span style="color: blue;">The house sale.</span> Sitting at my desk my husband turned to me from his desk announcing, "Well it looks like it's been sold." I knew he was referring to this, I think it was 124 acres of land, out here for sale with our houses on it. I didn't know whether to be happy or relieved that someone might finally come and take care of the place. </b><br />
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<b>Let me refresh your memory. There's my neighbor, who has a nice house but seeing she is hoarder, that niceness gets swallowed up by what we might deem as trash. Then there is the trailer she once rented but kept for her, at one time four dogs, which all have passed except for one. But pallets and empty blowing flower pots, cars and trucks ruin that of ever becoming anything but a trash heap. Hopefully, someone saves the dog.</b><br />
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<b>The landlord came and introduced himself a week later and he seemed like a nice enough man with his wife in tow. I'll just call them Jed & Josie. Good Christian folks too. I don't know, there is something about Christians that exude a living God and well by no mention of religion but casually mentioned they attended church on Sunday, I felt they were good people. He said he'd like to have our dilapidated roof looked at right away before it ever becomes a problem. I like him already!</b><br />
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<b>Year after year each time an internet guy went on the roof he informed us to inform the owner of the bad roof, but nothing was ever done. The old landlord would come around and plow the grass after it got waist high, and trim trees, but year after year the grass and trees came back in full force.</b><br />
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<b>Not this year, this year would be a different year! It would be the year of floods, rain, cold, and nothing but my Salvia flowers survived. That's how cold it got, everything froze under there. May 19th finds us rising to 40 degrees with 38 windchills and our small space heater coming in handy. Mind you it was in the eighties all week.</b><br />
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<b>And wouldn't you know it, this was the week that the toilet would leak, through the roof, to the basement and an ensuing mess followed. This landlord was not concerned with a patch job on the toilet, like the previous landlord had been for years, no, he wanted to rip up the floor, have the toilet fixed and new tile laid! He wasted no time!</b><br />
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<b><span style="color: blue;">Now the roof.</span> What should have taken one day to redo, they were met with numerous patch jobs from the previous owner, and had a four-day job on their hands! They were going to come Wednesday but changed it to Thursday. Thursday at six am. they arrived. By afternoon it was quite obvious the job would not be done in a day and by Sunday after much death of plants and destruction of what little garden I had, was now gone.</b><br />
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<b>And to top it off, the owner on Saturday decided to rip down thirty-year-old trees that were breaking up concrete in his huge shed. The trees needed to come down. But on the day of the roofers? My anxiety hit an all-time high and an attack ensued. I was being picky, wasn't I? I had tolerated the barbaric treatment of my garden for three days but this day hubby had to work. </b><br />
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<b>I was good the other days sleeping through much of the chaos but Saturday, the neighbor who was now roofer, allowed his kids over and the screaming kids and hollering men mixed with hammering, banging, and heavy machinery moving trees, yanking trees out by the roots, and 100lb. me in a wheelchair. The pain was at an all-time high, everything happening blindly overhead and the curtains weres drawn tightly closed so as not to see the animosity surrounding me. Hubby came home around two pm. to make sure I was okay and I wasn't. Full-blown anxiety attack!</b><br />
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<b>I won't share the ugliness of it all but by Sunday I was feeling somewhat better, but guess what, by the end of Sunday it started to rain and they were ALMOST finished. Really just a matter of cleaning their mess which they would tie down and come for on Monday. Monday came...and they didn't.</b><br />
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<b>The owner came Monday, in the rain and had his Bobcat move a lot of the material tied down, and a bucket to the roofers' other piece of equipment. One trailer still smashing my plants and garden ornaments stayed (about twenty-foot long) and another sits out in the middle of the lawn smashing the saturated grass.</b><br />
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<b>Chin up, Joni! Two doctor appointments today and one tomorrow, you NEED your strength for the unfinished paved but muddy roads. The Lord has tossed me a cyclone and I'm making a small tornado out of the situation. I have no choice. I'm sick, the events are upon me and I have to move on. We still have two more days to get through and the weatherman says about two-and-a-half inches of rain before all is said and done, on a state that has already declared flood disaster. Lord be with me NOW!</b><br />
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<b><span style="color: red;">Prov. 4:10-11 "Hear, O my son, and receive my sayings; and the years of thy life shall be many. I have taught thee in the way of wisdom; I have led thee in right paths.</span></b></div>
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<b><span style="color: red;">25-26 Let thine eyes look right on, and let thine eyelids look straight before thee.</span></b></div>
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<b><span style="color: red;">Ponder the path of thy feet, and let all thy ways be established."</span></b></div>
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<b><span style="color: red;">Salvia</span></b></div>
<div class="blogger-post-footer">One woman, One Voice among a thousand whispers</div>jonihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03401569094090026684noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-13925627.post-62804697068036641672019-05-14T06:58:00.001-05:002019-05-14T06:58:11.050-05:00Flower of Effort ~ A Mother's Day poem for ME<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgArfZE-SfkE2K9J-CcFtguOuFa8i8_Z6bw7uCrpj3y5ViV94slTBJK6rKCpC7z8D2rnLDVnK9QjjbGPvLspIAM2x6wTJHi0ma66jW61c5JfBi89pUQ-hgP7s6VAKvooZbMuTY_/s1600/out+on+the+farm+041.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><b><img border="0" data-original-height="1200" data-original-width="1600" height="240" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgArfZE-SfkE2K9J-CcFtguOuFa8i8_Z6bw7uCrpj3y5ViV94slTBJK6rKCpC7z8D2rnLDVnK9QjjbGPvLspIAM2x6wTJHi0ma66jW61c5JfBi89pUQ-hgP7s6VAKvooZbMuTY_/s320/out+on+the+farm+041.jpg" width="320" /></b></a></div>
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<b><span style="color: red;">Ezek.: 19:10 "Thy mother is like a vine in thy blood, planted by the waters: she was fruitful and full of branches by reason of many waters."</span></b></div>
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<b>Flower of Effort</b></div>
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<b>copyright © Adam Zipp</b></div>
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<b>Rainbows over a sun settled sea</b></div>
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<b>Gardens flowing in an effortless breeze</b></div>
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<b>Time forever changing</b></div>
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<b>We ask ourselves what it means to be</b></div>
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<b>Similar to a tree</b></div>
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<b>Trunk so tall and thick</b></div>
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<b>Bark as tough as brick</b></div>
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<b>Growing in an open field</b></div>
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<b>A spot that's hard to pick</b></div>
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<b>Stoic and unmoving</b></div>
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<b>Green and forever growing</b></div>
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<b>Not everyone can be such a powerful thing</b></div>
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<b>Some must settle to grow as a flower</b></div>
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<b>To make up for their lacking in power</b></div>
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<b>Through effort and courage</b></div>
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<b>To withstand the weather</b></div>
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<b>And the cold that comes in November</b></div>
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<b>To understand the effort</b></div>
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<b>Know what lies beneath the dirt</b></div>
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<b>A mask to cover the pain and hurt</b></div>
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<b>Rain softens the soil</b></div>
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<b>That brings the flower its comfort</b></div>
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<b>In trying times</b></div>
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<b>Be like the flower</b></div>
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<b>with wind blowing chimes</b></div>
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<b>Signs of future rain showers</b></div>
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<b>So spread your petals and let them climb</b></div>
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<b>No one could be prouder.</b></div>
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<b>~~~~ * ~~~~</b></div>
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<b><span style="color: blue;">No need to rip this apart with crits. This was my loving Mother's Day gift from my son, who happens to be following in m footsteps as a writer and poet and I couldn't be more proud!</span></b></div>
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<b><span style="color: blue;">Thank you, Adam! I love you!</span></b></div>
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<br /><div class="blogger-post-footer">One woman, One Voice among a thousand whispers</div>jonihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03401569094090026684noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-13925627.post-65110061828858620332019-05-12T08:35:00.000-05:002019-05-12T08:35:03.652-05:00Poetry Sunday: A Mother's Trials<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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<b><span style="color: red;">Prov. 31: 10, 27-28 "Who can find a virtuous woman? for her price is far above rubies. She looketh well to the ways of her household, and eateth not the bread of idleness. Her children arise up, and call her blessed; her husband also, and he praiseth her."</span></b></div>
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<b><span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">A Mother’s Trials</span></b></div>
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<b><span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">Six children born to parents </span></b></div>
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<b><span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">At different eras and times</span></b></div>
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<b><span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">One during a peaceful age </span></b></div>
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<b><span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">One during wartime crimes</span></b></div>
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<b><span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span></b></div>
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<b><span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">Two were born surprisingly</span></b></div>
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<b><span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">Two lost along the way</span></b></div>
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<b><span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">Then came two bouncing girls</span></b></div>
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<b><span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">Making the family a buffet.</span></b></div>
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<b><span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">The mother’s trials were endless</span></b></div>
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<b><span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">With her six kids underwing</span></b></div>
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<b><span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">While father being the breadwinner</span></b></div>
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<b><span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">Made mother’s trials the sting.</span></b></div>
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<b><span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">Nothing perfect happened</span></b></div>
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<b><span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">In the years that followed suit</span></b></div>
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<b><span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">One son went into the service</span></b></div>
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<b><span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">While the other a different route</span></b></div>
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<b><span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">Four kids left to figure out</span></b></div>
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<b><span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">What right and wrong would come</span></b></div>
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<b><span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">Mother taking a job to help</span></b></div>
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<b><span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">The kids not under her thumb.</span></b></div>
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<b><span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">The years passed by so quickly</span></b></div>
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<b><span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">Each different memories to hold.</span></b></div>
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<b><span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">Some boast of great harmony</span></b></div>
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<b><span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">While some had pasts of cold.</span></b></div>
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<b><span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">Not every life runs perfectly </span></b></div>
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<b><span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">Not every childhood is grand</span></b></div>
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<b><span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">A mother’s trials are silent</span></b></div>
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<b><span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">With each child in a different hand.</span></b></div>
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<b><span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">A mother remembers the good times</span></b></div>
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<b><span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">While the child will store the bad.</span></b></div>
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<b><span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">But both will hold a great life </span></b></div>
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<b><span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">No matter which one was had.</span></b></div>
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<b><span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">A mother’s trial is what forged us</span></b></div>
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<b><span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">Whether we like the image we see.</span></b></div>
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<b><span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">Her trials are what formed and shaped</span></b></div>
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<b><span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">The intricate family.</span></b></div>
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<b><span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">As Mother’s Days will come and go</span></b></div>
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<b><span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">Just as each life will come to pass</span></b></div>
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<b><span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">Remember through trials and errors</span></b></div>
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<b><span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">It’s our Mothers love that will last!</span></b></div>
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<b><span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">~*~*~*~*~*~*</span></b></div>
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<b><span style="color: purple; font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">My mother and dad would've been married 61</span></b></div>
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<b><span style="color: purple; font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">years this year. He's passed over and she waits for the day to see him again. But this is MY story, not hers. I just want what is best for her, a great day!</span></b></div>
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<a name='more'></a><b><span style="color: purple; font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">HAPPY MOTHER'S DAY TO ALL!</span></b><br />
<br /><div class="blogger-post-footer">One woman, One Voice among a thousand whispers</div>jonihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03401569094090026684noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-13925627.post-76730267943140860672019-05-10T06:13:00.000-05:002019-05-10T06:13:41.197-05:00Not Good<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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<b><span style="color: red;">Pss. 63:3 “Because thy lovingkindness is better than life, my lips shall praise thee.”</span></b></div>
<b><br /></b>
<b>When people ask me how I’m doing, like everyone else I say fine. They’re happy with that and offer me to ‘keep it up’! I’m not lying I just don’t want to get into the gist of what I feel is a failure. My husband, son, and mother-in-law don’t see it as a failure but I do. I feel like I’ve let myself an everyone else down. I come down pretty hard on myself.</b><br />
<b><br /></b>
<b>I’m lying to myself more than anything. I want to be fine and believe I’m going to be fine but getting from point ‘A’ to point ‘B’ is a whole different matter. I accepted the easier of the chemo routes meaning not the kind where they slice, dice, and radiate you, then place what they call a ‘port’ under my skin to fester. The port is the loading dock for the poison they’d administer. No, I took lethal injection instead.</b><br />
<b><br /></b>
<b>It has been nothing but lethal since the first ninety-minute injection where the side effects were tearing me up from the inside. They lied and told me it would get better; the chills and hard pain should subside with each dose and after the third dose I see no change in side effects except them getting worse. Had Allison been more concerned with the patient than the kickbacks from the Femara she kept trying to push, maybe she would have known about the swelling.</b><br />
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<b>The last visit I had was two weeks ago and Allison, whom I think is the doctor’s assistant came in and saw me instead of the Dr. himself. I guess he was too busy and bears the weight of the patient load. For some reason when they ask you how you’re doing, and you tell them, they spin your words. </b><br />
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<b>“I’m not good. I’m in a lot of pain from side effects,” I say.</b><br />
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<b>“Oh, they get better with time. Some women don’t even know they’re getting chemo. So, why don’t you want Femara?” There it is, the sale of drugs.</b><br />
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<b>“Well, I know I don’t like the side effects, but I’ll push on. Not with Femara though, something milder the doctor offered.” </b><br />
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<b>The argument. “Chemo has saved millions of lives, you know?”</b><br />
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<b>“I’m not getting into this conversation, it upsets me.” She knows this, I’ve seen her before. She pressed on until I was in tears and she was (unapologetically) apologizing. She knew what she was doing. They push the fear and scare tactic buttons until you’re a hot mess. Needless to say, she didn’t check my heart, my swelling, or my pulse, all that are normal things to check for in a visit. She was too busy trying to sell her drug.</b><br />
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<b>I was going to give this weeks Herceptin a try, so off I went for my thirty-minute poison pump, where they pump the ‘juice’ into my veins. Afterward, at home, I ate and thought all was right with the world, I was feeling good, then the pain came like a freight train barreling down the tracks. I’ll never eat again, is what I said over and over in tears, wrapped in a blanket, and now in bed at five in the afternoon. This was the norm when coming home from the chemo trips.</b><br />
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<b>A couple more days followed suit and it hit me, that since my first treatment what was once a vital woman was now a shell, a crippled woman trying to make it through each day. I was waking sad, sore and depressed. I couldn’t do my exercises that for seven months I’d been doing. I was just wheeling through the house, using my walker too, but the cane… it became a hindrance and I haven’t used it in nine weeks, almost twelve weeks.</b><br />
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<b>Now when people ask how I’m doing I say, “Not good.” I just can’t lie. When I said I was doing okay, I was! I was walking, exercising, cold or not I got out of the house, intermingled with human beings, I was good. <span style="color: purple;">WAS</span> being the operative word. Say your not and poof, everyone disappears. They’ll be back when the word is ‘good’ again. Not good is negative (I know) and brings them down. I don’t blame them.</b><br />
<b><br /></b>
<b>My mother-in-law emailed me last week and asked if she could come out for a visit, bring me some flowers (for the outside) and I said YES!! Need anything? FRESH RIPE tomatoes! Lol So I was getting a visitor besides my son! Wouldn’t you know, we had so much rain the roads are a muddy mess. It was warm that day and she wore shorts and I told her, this week you’ll be bringing the coats back out! We are all in amazement of this crazy weather. Surprising tornadoes in the city of Lincoln, rain, high winds, cold, chill, floods again, if not, washed out roads! Just a mess, just not a frozen solid ground mess.</b><br />
<b><br /></b>
<b>Then last week the pain hit me hard. I was having adverse reactions and needed to call the doctors office and let them know. I wrote about the ‘normal side effects a few weeks ago, like sleep problems, nausea, muscle pain, abdominal pain, loss of appetite, tiredness and more, so many more. But there were also the bad side effects. I remembered the swelling but needed to look and see what else I had.</b><br />
<b><br /></b>
<b><span style="color: #20124d;">Serious Reactions:</span></b><br />
<b><span style="color: #20124d;">bone pain,</span></b><br />
<b><span style="color: #20124d;">increased coughing,</span></b><br />
<b><span style="color: #20124d;">swelling of the hands/ankles/feet, MY ONE FOOT IS SWELLED LIKE A BALLOON</span></b><br />
<b><span style="color: #20124d;">sudden unexplained weight gain,</span></b><br />
<b><span style="color: #20124d;">unusual tiredness, I FEEL SLEEPING TWELVE AND FIFTEEN HOURS IS NOT NORMAL</span></b><br />
<b><span style="color: #20124d;">severe headache,</span></b><br />
<b><span style="color: #20124d;">tingling or numbness, MY LEFT-HAND GOES NUMB/ NECK TINGLY</span></b><br />
<b><span style="color: #20124d;">mental/mood changes, I THOUGHT IT WAS NORMAL MENOPAUSE CRUD</span></b><br />
<b><span style="color: #20124d;">fast or pounding heartbeat, and YES</span></b><br />
<b><span style="color: #20124d;">easy bruising or bleeding. YES (WHERE’D THAT COME FROM)</span></b><br />
<b><br /></b>
<b>I called and told the nurse Navigator I was experiencing adverse reactions. She said to rest and put my foot up and see if that helps. It did for a couple of nights but that was it. Only my left foot is swelled. And… and… “I’ll take care of the scrip for ya. Ok, bye.” This malpractice is in their court, not mine!</b><br />
<b><br /></b>
<b>I’m giving up on Herceptin and to me feels like I failed. But wait I didn’t, the DRUGS did!</b><br />
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<b>I know I didn’t, and everyone will tell me so. I go this week for what the docs office thinks is a Herceptin trip and to their surprise, they’re getting me and all my adverse reactions, <span style="color: purple;">FINALLY</span>, but no more Herceptin, on to a new plan, Doc! I hope I make it that far, until Wednesday!</b><br />
<b><br /></b>
<b>There’s more going on that I need to tell you, I’ll call extenuating circumstances! </b><br />
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<b>TO BE CONTINUED….</b><br />
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<b><span style="color: red;">Pss. 119: 78 “Let the proud be ashamed; for they dealt perversely with me without a cause: but I will meditate in thy precepts.”</span></b></div>
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<b><span style="color: red;">Pss. 119:17 “Deal bountifully with thy servant, that I may live, and keep thy word.”</span></b></div>
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<b><span style="color: red;">God Bless!</span></b></div>
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<div class="blogger-post-footer">One woman, One Voice among a thousand whispers</div>jonihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03401569094090026684noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-13925627.post-90426202876410468482019-04-25T11:18:00.000-05:002019-04-25T11:20:55.974-05:00Dust to Dust<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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<b><span style="color: red; font-size: large;">Luke 11:36 “If thy whole body therefore be full of light, having no part dark, the whole shall be full of light, as when the bright shining of a candle doth give thee light.</span></b></div>
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<b><span style="color: purple; font-size: large;">Dust to Dust</span></b></div>
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<b><span style="color: purple; font-size: large;"><br /></span></b></div>
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<b><span style="color: purple; font-size: large;">People are who they are, </span></b></div>
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<b><span style="color: purple; font-size: large;">and kill what they must,</span></b></div>
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<b><span style="color: purple; font-size: large;">they’ll continue where they will </span></b></div>
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<b><span style="color: purple; font-size: large;">and dust what they dust.</span></b></div>
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<b><span style="color: purple; font-size: large;"><br /></span></b></div>
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<b><span style="color: purple; font-size: large;">I am who I am</span></b></div>
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<b><span style="color: purple; font-size: large;">I shant live to die</span></b></div>
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<b><span style="color: purple; font-size: large;">They tell me I can’t </span></b></div>
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<b><span style="color: purple; font-size: large;">I don’t accept their lie. </span></b></div>
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<b><span style="color: purple; font-size: large;">Society lay claim</span></b></div>
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<b><span style="color: purple; font-size: large;">All glitter is gold</span></b></div>
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<b><span style="color: purple; font-size: large;">The shine is now frittered</span></b></div>
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<b><span style="color: purple; font-size: large;">The soul has been sold</span></b></div>
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<b><span style="color: purple; font-size: large;"><br /></span></b></div>
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<b><span style="color: purple; font-size: large;">Tune into the Father </span></b></div>
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<b><span style="color: purple; font-size: large;">For all pain to be lost</span></b></div>
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<b><span style="color: purple; font-size: large;">An umbrella in the rain</span></b></div>
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<b><span style="color: purple; font-size: large;">The Word now embossed.</span></b></div>
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<b><span style="color: purple; font-size: large;"><br /></span></b></div>
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<b><span style="color: purple; font-size: large;">Cleansed be the body</span></b></div>
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<b><span style="color: purple; font-size: large;">From sin do we cry</span></b></div>
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<b><span style="color: purple; font-size: large;">A Light stuffed bin</span></b></div>
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<b><span style="color: purple; font-size: large;">Our peace when we die.</span></b></div>
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<b><span style="color: purple; font-size: large;"><br /></span></b></div>
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<b><span style="color: purple; font-size: large;">From now on </span></b></div>
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<b><span style="color: purple; font-size: large;">I’ll kill what I must</span></b></div>
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<b><span style="color: purple; font-size: large;">As my Savior reigns still</span></b></div>
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<b><span style="color: purple; font-size: large;">My ashes become dust.</span></b></div>
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<div class="blogger-post-footer">One woman, One Voice among a thousand whispers</div>jonihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03401569094090026684noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-13925627.post-77161664466797543772019-04-19T09:44:00.000-05:002019-04-19T09:44:00.819-05:00Eleventh Hour Gift<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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<b><span style="color: red;">James 4:17 “Therefore to him that knows to do good, and does it not, to him it is sin.”</span></b></div>
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<b><br /></b></div>
<b>A Moral Compass</b><br />
<b><br /></b>
<b>Yesterday I was reading one of my morning emails by Max Lucado, this one was titled “An Eleventh Hour Gift”. If you’re a Christian, you might know where I’m going with this and what it all means. The eleventh-hour gift was the gift of forgiveness as Jesus hung on the cross dying.</b><br />
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<b>When one criminal hurled accusations at Jesus, the criminal on His other side chastised him for saying such a thing about a man who had done nothing wrong! “Yes we did something wrong, yes, but this man is innocent!” No one knows exactly what was said while three men hung bleeding to death on a cross but Jesus said something profound, “Today you will be with me in paradise.” My faith tells me that THAT is the kind of man Jesus was/and IS all about, love and forgiveness.</b><br />
<b><br /></b>
<b>What? This criminal? Paradise? Full of sin gets to see paradise? Yes, people, that’s what Jesus’ death was for this tainted world, forgiving our sin-filled nature. Did these men attend church? Did they wash Jesus’ feet? Did they tithe and read scripture regularly, picking it apart word for word so they got it right with the Lord? Do they get to see paradise too? </b><br />
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<b>It gets tricky and I believe this is why we have an era stuck in a world judging God/Jesus and the moral compass. They answer to no one and forcing them to read a Bible that is full of sinners, rapist, killers, sodomy, and incest, the line of teaching gets lost and they come out on the other end with their own truth. Atheist didn’t become that way because they DIDN’T read the Bible, no, more than likely they read it and came away with their own summation.</b><br />
<b><br /></b>
<b>I have a son, nieces, and nephews from blood and marriage and I know the different upbringings each of them had and what they carry with them. They define God in their own way, no matter what the Bible says, their parents said, ministers say, they come to their own conclusion of what a Moral Compass even is; they answer to no one. And even the ones that turned out to be Christians, came out believing ‘God didn’t mean it this way or that way, again, making their own truth fit what they’ve read and learned.</b><br />
<b><br /></b>
<b>This is sad but when I read that email of Max Lucado’s it seemed pretty clear to me, Jesus didn’t die because we were all perfect in our moral compass worlds. He died because we are <span style="color: red;">ALL</span> sinners. So does that mean we get left behind because we’re out here with our high and mighty Moral Compass? We do everything right and honorable and fall on occasion, so does that mean we’re just going to be forgotten in our eleventh hour? I don’t believe so.</b><br />
<b><br /></b>
<b>Will all of the children growing up today be forgotten because they don’t understand what the bible and the message said? No, they won’t! They are not being taught and much of what is taught is misconstrued, mixed and a jumbled up mess of laws, vows, deaths, and sins, they see no hope in the Word and are not taught of the <span style="color: red;">HOPE </span>in the <span style="color: red;">Word</span>.</b><br />
<b><br /></b>
<b>People today are so vindictive, so eager to have the upper hand and smite the neighbor, it is a long line of misconceptions we teach our kids that it is okay, because of what, God forgives? TO ME, it is us, who already know that it’s a sin who will have trouble ‘knocking on heavens door.’</b><br />
<b><br /></b>
<b>What I’m saying is, today is Good Friday, it is the day designated as the day Jesus was hung on the cross. I say designated because no one, and I mean NO ONE, knows of the day or hour our Lord was hung on the cross. One thing we Christians ARE certain of is that He died with one last breath forgiving a sinner who didn’t know any better all of his life, that Jesus was the God that many searches for. He forgave mankind, point blank!</b><br />
<b><br /></b>
<b>I remember when I broke my femur last September and I laid crying in pain, what kept me sane at the moment was knowing Jesus suffered more as He made his way to the cross. The images of Jesus being whipped and beaten as He dragged the heavy wood to the top of ‘Skull’s Hill’ gave me something to focus on other than what I was enduring. Every drop of bloodshed, every laceration, every wail of pain from an innocent man, left my pain feeling small and petty.</b><br />
<b><br /></b>
<b>As the past six weeks have been filled with pains all over my body that I DID NOT expect to feel, I thought I could handle any pain after Septembers rain of pain but this pain is just as immeasurable and I failed to conjure the images that I know might carry me through to the finish. I feel like a failure as I head into my New Year, no longer looking forward to ringing in the New Year in the fashion that I’ve done for years now. It’s all changed. Life has changed, the world has changed.</b><br />
<b><br /></b>
<b>Easter Sunday will be different this year. My husband has to work, my son has to work, the family will rejoice with food and one another, sharing and caring and I’ll be left alone to celebrate my New Year in the fashion that I saw it coming, alone, with the One that forgave man, all of mankind, for being the sinners they are.</b><br />
<b><br /></b>
<b>One thing I can say is that this Sunday I will <span style="color: red;">RISE</span> from my bed, and embrace the chance to live another day, basking in His glory! Another sunrise and sunset to tell the people of the world that no matter the sin, no matter the pain and shame you feel, there is the eleventh-hour forgiveness awaiting each and every one of you. Remember, it’s your <span style="color: red;"><u><i>magnetic moral compass</i></u></span> that will lead you north or south</b><br />
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<b><span style="color: red;">James 5:15 “And the prayer of faith shall save the sick, and the Lord shall raise him up; and if he have committed sins, they shall be forgiven him.”</span></b></div>
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<b><span style="color: red;">James 4:11 “Speak not evil one of another, brethren. He that speaketh evil of his brother, and judgeth his brother, speaketh evil of the law, and judgeth the law: but if thou judge the law, thou art not a doer of the law, but a judge.”</span></b></div>
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<b><span style="color: red;">Unknown quote: “The more fake you are, the bigger your circle will be. The more real you are, the smaller your circle will be.</span></b></div>
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<b><span style="color: red;">These are well known facts.”</span></b></div>
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<b><span style="color: red;">May each and every one of you have a most Blessed Celebratory Day as we remember the reason for the Season!</span></b></div>
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<br /><div class="blogger-post-footer">One woman, One Voice among a thousand whispers</div>jonihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03401569094090026684noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-13925627.post-6819123875961846112019-04-12T08:57:00.001-05:002019-04-12T08:57:15.315-05:00Cancer: NOT a Death Sentence<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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<b><span style="color: red;">James 5:16 “Confess your faults one to another, and pray one for another, that ye may be healed. The effectual fervent prayer of a righteous man availeth much.”</span></b></div>
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<b>Not a Death Sentence</b></div>
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<b>When I was first diagnosed with this dastardly illness that everyone takes to be a death sentence, I remained calm and wasn’t going to be allowed to be charged by fear. Fear to me was the tactic of you <span style="color: purple;">HAVE</span> to do chemotherapy, the kind with a port, or you will DIE! DIE! They tell you! "You need radiation, we need to cut the crap out of you then we’ll hammer it with chemo, that has been our proven course for years now and we’re sticking to it!" </b><br />
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<b>I said, “No, give me time to think.”</b><br />
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<b>“Think? You’re gonna die! What is there to think about? Die DIE DIE!” They basically screamed until their voices drifted off to the distance because no one was listening. “We’re losing her. There goes our $350,000 kickback!”</b><br />
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<b>I told my friends I had the Big C and at first, they were sympathetic, and lifted me in prayer, and told me they’d be there as I went through… 'the treatment’. Umm but wait, I’m not doing treatment. Suddenly they started to fall by the wayside like scales of a fish. After they told me I was crazy, didn’t know what I was doing, they knew better, have lost more people from this disease than me, blah blah blah, is all I heard; I smelled the fear in <span style="color: purple;">THEM</span>. The disease meant FEAR to them. <span style="color: purple;">I DO NOT</span> see it as FEAR! I see it as a time for change and growth. </b><br />
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<b>Some people are still my friends but no longer what I thought of as close friends, they’re distant friends, no different than Peter, Paul or Mary, they’re there. What I didn’t expect to happen was for new friends to come out of the woodwork. They were on my friends' list but we didn’t converse much, it was those women and men who came forward in prayer and support! Those were the ones when I broke my femur showed they cared by their concern for me. They came out on day one of my diagnosis and stood firm in their support, never to waiver no matter what I decided! <span style="color: purple;">THAT</span> is what a friend is!</b><br />
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<b>I showed people the success of others through <a href="https://thetruthaboutcancer.com/" target="_blank">The Truth About Cancer</a>, and <a href="https://www.chrisbeatcancer.com/" target="_blank">Chris Wark</a> and how people are out here surviving WITHOUT chemotherapy. They went a different HEALTHY route without drugs and some ten and twenty years later, hundreds if not thousands of people still have no signs of the disease. Google either one of the above names, don't just take my word for it. And here I’m laughed and scoffed at because I don’t believe in the conventional route to saving myself? To ME, it’s like those hypocrites who say, “Oh yeah, I’m a Christian.” But when asked by God himself to do the craziest thing you’ve ever heard, they’re like, “Well, I’m not going THAT far. He put drugs and doctors here for a reason.” That’s all well and good for <span style="color: purple;">YOU</span> but not for <span style="color: purple;">ME</span>. A slap in the face to me AND my faith! </b><br />
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<b>I showed people what they needed and how to change their diet and some did, for a month or so but they weakened and returned to their old gobbly good ways. ‘I see it, I eat it’ mentality, not caring if it is toxic, poison, or unhealthy. Set in their ways, they do what they want. Hmm… funny, that’s all I want, is to do what <span style="color: red;">*I*</span> want. But for some reason I’m wrong and they're what, sickly, coughing, wheezing, colds, flu, numerous illnesses many times a season? Then there’s me, I just have a disease everyone thinks is deadly. Obesity is deadly, heart disease is deadly, COPD is deadly, but hey, they have a drug to help you out there too. No reason to change up your eating habits, it’s all good. Go conventional, the government wouldn’t lie to <span style="color: purple;">YOU</span> now, would it? You’re special, you voted, it’s your team of saving grace. God slides into home and He’s OUT! </b><br />
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<b>A Death Sentence huh? I felt this lump in 2014 and through hours of painstaking research I found out that it has been in my body festering seven to ten years <span style="color: purple;">BEFORE</span> it would ever be discovered. So about 2004 something happened so tragically in my life and body that the cell woke up and started to grow, from a dust mote sized cell to a tumor. In 2017 I was ‘diagnosed’ so when they give me statistics like ‘this could keep you alive for ten and twenty years’, I’ve already been <span style="color: purple;">LIVING</span> with it for ten almost twenty years. Statistics are meaningless, <span style="color: red;">TO ME</span>! </b><br />
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<b>Chemotherapy has saved so many lives but in hindsight, how many has it killed? My trauma was so deep that no, the alternative route was not going to work for me but neither is the chemo that’s killing everybody either. I asked my doctor to let’s work something out. He is complying, I think because in some way he <span style="color: purple;">WANTS</span> to know if there are other ways to heal this disease. He knows deep down that there is more to this disease than feeding it drugs for the rest of people's lives and let them die on chemo. My doctor says I'm challenging! I told him, "How else would you grow if I didn't challenge you?"</b><br />
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<b>Just like obesity, heart disease, COPD and a host of other illnesses, there is <span style="color: purple;">ANOTHER</span> way besides drugs and all their deadly side effects. The doctor sometimes gives you the clear picture of what is going to happen if you don’t change your diet but here, take this pill in the interim and we’ll get your disease under control. Control not CURED!</b><br />
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<b>I watched a series on Asian medicine this week and how doctors over in Malaysia, Singapore and other places are all dealing with alternative treatments to this disease because they know, the Big C is <span style="color: blue;">NOT</span> a death sentence! There is NO one treatment that can treat all of the people the same. Every cancer is different and should be treated as such with each individual patient! The one doctor said that his wish was to see the oncologist, nutritionist, naturopath all sit down together and discuss the individuals' line of treatment. In a perfect world, that is how it would and should be but we’re in a conditioned world trained to do what we’re <span style="color: purple;">SCARED</span> into doing. And we’re okay with that, well <span style="color: red;">I’m NOT</span>!</b><br />
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<b>I, like many before me, have given you tools to save yourself. It’s a hard sell as it's free and you only took a bite, you didn’t want to change, you just wanted a taste. Obviously, a healthy life doesn’t taste good TO YOU because you are conditioned to eat meat and potatoes, you’re good. And that’s okay, it’s just not okay for me anymore, I want to save <span style="color: red;">MY life</span>. I don’t want the government to control what toxins they spray on my food, I don’t want them to own a conglomerate of pharmaceuticals to hand out like candy to the people who like candy or the people that never cared for candy. We’re all individual souls! We’re not on the conveyor belt of life.</b><br />
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<b>I’ve given you what I could, now I need to focus on <span style="color: red;">MY</span> healing. Your support means the world to me, to those who’ve stuck around. To those that didn’t stick around all I can do is pray for you. I’ve been an open book, I have not lied nor manipulated, all I did was hand you the truth, or the truth that I know. May you all wander through life seeking the truth within you, and be honest with yourself, don’t sugarcoat it because He knows and sees all He’s just waiting for <span style="color: purple;">YOU</span> to admit, your truth. </b><br />
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<b>God bless you all for letting me into your lives. And thank you for sharing your lives with me. This has been a profound experience and I’m honored to have shared it with you, and continue to share! </b><br />
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<b><span style="color: red;">All praise and Glory to God! </span></b></div>
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<span style="color: red;"><b>Matt. 9:35-38 "And Jesus went about all the cities and villages, teaching in their synagogues, and preaching the gospel of the kingdom, and healing every sickness and every disease among the people. But when he saw the multitudes, he was moved with compassion on them, because they fainted, and were scattered abroad, as sheep having no shepherd. </b><b>Then saith he unto his disciples, The harvest truly is plenteous, but the labourers are few;</b><b> Pray ye therefore the Lord of the harvest, that he will send forth labourers into his harvest."</b></span></div>
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<div class="blogger-post-footer">One woman, One Voice among a thousand whispers</div>jonihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03401569094090026684noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-13925627.post-80174880789534560402019-04-10T09:14:00.000-05:002019-04-10T09:14:45.480-05:00Smart Phone?<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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<b><span style="color: red;">Rom. 12:2 “And be not conformed to this world: but be ye transformed by the renewing of your mind, that ye may prove what is that good, and acceptable, and perfect, will of God.”</span></b><br />
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<b>One thing I can say, I’m not a conformist. I’ve never conformed to what other people conform to and diligently justify as a means of growing when in essence and truth, be honest, they’re conforming. They will never admit it because it is just a form of growth. My son and I often go back and forth on this issue because he tells me I ‘need’ to keep up with the times. </b><br />
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<b>I’m on the outside looking in, being bullied taunted and teased all because I don’t conform to what everyone else is doing. If anyone has known me for a while, they <span style="color: purple;">KNOW</span> this about me, accepts me for being ‘different’, just as I accept them for being different. But why is it that *I* always feel like the bad guy ready to go sulk under a Weeping Willow.</b><br />
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<b>The day came when hubby walked in the door with a Smartphone. Seriously, NOTHING else was offered (I don’t know, I wasn’t in on the ritual), but the house drained of its energy. I’m a high energy person and thrive on it but lately, with everything going on, the energy is being sucked right out of me. This day was no different, in he walked with a Smartphone and all I could blindly feel is suffocation. Alone, I now would be totally alone.</b><br />
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<b>He was as happy as a kid in a candy store discovering the new flavor of gum. Do you want to hear something ironic? Look up the term ‘smart’ in the dictionary.</b><br />
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<b><span style="color: #0c343d;">Smart:</span></b><br />
<b><span style="color: #0c343d;">verb (used without object):</span></b><br />
<b><span style="color: #0c343d;">to be a source of sharp, local, and usually superficial pain, as a wound.</span></b><br />
<b><span style="color: #0c343d;">to be the cause of a sharp, stinging pain, as an irritating application, a blow, etc.</span></b><br />
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<b><span style="color: #0c343d;">verb (used with object):</span></b><br />
<b><span style="color: #0c343d;">to cause a sharp pain to or in.</span></b><br />
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<b>It kind of scared me that this is what people are buying into, yet calling ME a bully? </b><br />
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<b>Is the adjective form of the word supposed to make me feel better? It didn’t.</b><br />
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<b><span style="color: #073763;">adjective, smart·er, smart·est.</span></b><br />
<b><span style="color: #073763;">quick or prompt in action, as persons.</span></b><br />
<b><span style="color: #073763;">having or showing quick intelligence or ready mental capability:</span></b><br />
<b><span style="color: #073763;">a smart student.</span></b><br />
<b><span style="color: #073763;">shrewd or sharp, as a person in dealing with others</span></b><br />
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<b>He sat mesmerized with his new toy for hours, picking its ‘brain’ and learning all of the ins and outs. Oh, what fun. </b><br />
<b>I said to him, quite sarcastically, “They have a doctor for that.” </b><br />
<b>He said, “For what?”</b><br />
<b>I replied, “For people who feel the need to carry a computer in their pockets day in and day out.”</b><br />
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<b>You might get the feeling that I don’t like technology, and you’d be 100% correct! He has been a part of this techno world since he was eighteen, me, just fifteen years now. I only accepted a computer as a means to write. I didn’t like the advent of the microwave oven, why would I be all happy to access the Worldwide Web and it is at my fingertips as I shop, drive, sit with family? Oh wait, that’s what this progressive world is all about. I realized years ago, I don’t fit in anywhere now, great.</b><br />
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<b>Mysteriously within two weeks my phone conveniently malfunctioned and basically fried. I was now without a phone and I was dreading what was going to walk through that door for me. Just put a bag over my head and let me die now!</b><br />
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<b>A knock on the door brought this new world to me, I felt like Alice in Wonderland about to slip through the hole. Hold on tight, Joni!</b><br />
<b>“Look at the pretty case. Look at the all of the apps, games, weather bug, camera, and best of all Google!” </b><br />
<b>“Big deal. I just want a phone and texting.</b><br />
<b>“But, but, but…”</b><br />
<b>“PHONE AND TEXTING!”</b><br />
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<b>I had to say it loud because, for one, I am not easily swayed, two I am obviously not heard, and three no one really understands who I am. Again, I am alone, very alone. Oh, I don’t have to be, I can conform to the world and find joy in what brings joy to everyone else and that is having access to the Worldwide Web at their very fingertips any moment of the day. I wonder how the earth ever survived all of these years without this pleasurable tool. I bet a lot of men, women, and children died without access and that’s a shame, right there. I bet a lot of men, women children died <span style="color: purple;">WITH</span> the access and that’s a shame too.</b><br />
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<b>I realized quite quickly I can’t text with my nails. My son tried to show me but to no avail. </b><br />
<b>“Girls text with longer nails and have no problem.”</b><br />
<b>Getting angry I retorted, “I am not a GIRL! Obviously, I’m an old woman with arthritis!”</b><br />
<b>“A stylus, do you have a stylus?” I knew the term from the early days when my parents bought my son an iPod and he became snagged up by the Web.</b><br />
<b>“I do!” I was getting excited by the possibilities now.</b><br />
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<b>I now was understanding the struggle my mother was having with the new phone my brother bought her. She complained that her old phone wasn’t working and that all of the other elderly people playing bingo had these really cool looking phones. The biggest mistake she ever allowed to spill out of her mouth. He got her the new fancy phone and now she can’t switch back. My mother is stuck with a phone she doesn’t understand.</b><br />
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<b>I would at least <span style="color: purple;">TRY</span> and understand this phone. My son came by the other day and helped clear some things up for me and I <span style="color: purple;">DO NOT and WILL NOT</span> have any apps on my phone except texting and phone calls. There’s a concept, a phone, used to make a call, how strange. He kept trying to egg me on with the lure of a Weather Bug app. I said, NO! I have it on my computer, what in the world do I need it on my phone for. He didn’t know my hubby had painstakingly tried to get me to conform to his ways two days ago, to no avail.</b><br />
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<b>The lure of conformity can weaken some and strengthen others. Conformity looks pretty all dressed up in it’s Sunday best (yup there’s an app for that too, church, sermons, and scripture right at your fingertips) I prefer my Bible but then again we’re all different. </b><br />
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<b>I won’t judge you for the love of technology and please, don’t judge me for my dislike, and no, I won’t be getting an app for THAT, whatever it is you’re trying to shine on me to lure me into your den.</b><br />
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<b>Only four months into the year and already 2019 is making its mark. And we wonder why the world is in such turmoil? The sneaky snarky dark one came creeping in and you bought what he was selling. He’s left his mark, too. Let the bombardment of the justification begin, and it will.</b><br />
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<b><span style="color: red;">Job 35:12 “There they cry, but none giveth answer, because of the pride of evil men.”</span></b></div>
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<b><span style="color: red;">Rev. 15:2 “And I saw as it were a sea of glass mingled with fire: and them that had gotten the victory over the beast, and over his image, and over his mark, and over the number of his name, stand on the sea of glass, having the harps of God.”</span></b></div>
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<div class="blogger-post-footer">One woman, One Voice among a thousand whispers</div>jonihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03401569094090026684noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-13925627.post-56130805345846005562019-04-09T10:34:00.000-05:002019-04-09T10:34:18.332-05:00And The Beat Goes On<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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<b><span style="color: red;">Pss. 55:6 “And I said, Oh that I had wings like a dove! for then would I fly away, and be at rest.”</span></b></div>
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<b>And The Beat Goes On</b></div>
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<b>In between all the angst of the chemo days, a lot of cruddy things happen in what seems like the beat of a drum. One thing, two thing rat a tat tat, and the beat goes on. This might be the proof I needed to show you that NEGATIVITY breeds NEGATIVITY! All of the instances below began at the beginning of the acceptance of Herceptin, it's when everything was negative to me.</b><br />
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<b>In the midst of our illnesses (my hubby's and mine), our three-year-old fridge decides to make an extremely loud clanking noise in the middle of the night. Loud and irritating, (fridge not hubby) my husband decides to be jarred awake and go bang on the side of the rowdy fridge. The clanking stopped, but the momentum had the cookie jar on top of the fridge, toppling over, the lid came crashing down on the floor shattering into a million pieces, and at three o’clock in the morning, clear eyes are not to be had! Clean up. * sigh *</b><br />
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<b>Then our twenty-year-old clothes dryer decides to play the fridge game and begins its own riotous annoying noise. Not at three a.m. and still heating and drying, its all good, just a pain in the EAR!</b><br />
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<b>His twenty-one-year-old truck decides it’s going to do some booming and banging and as we were heading home from the doctors one day the clanking was obviously the muffler, that had fallen off, dragging behind us. We pulled into a safe place (there are no safe sides of the road here), and hubby pulls the muffler off and places it in the back of the truck. We don’t litter. More sighs are in the works with maybe a few eye-rolls. Next...</b><br />
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<b>Hubby looks all over for his thirteen-year-old phone. I hear something heavy and noisy clanking (this post title should be clanking) in the washer that he had just loaded and started up. I tell him the noise doesn’t sound right from a new washer, but as a man (all men) who don’t listen, goes on with his day, until its time to get clothes out of the washer and what drops to the floor? His phone! The old phone went through the entire wash, rinse and spin cycle. He fruitlessly tries to save it, to no avail. He panics. Our phones are everything to us out here in the middle of nowhere with no landline. Besides being a shop-o-holic, the man is addicted to technology (like the rest of the world)!!!!!</b><br />
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<b>I finish up the clothes, drying and folding and putting away as he runs off to the store to buy a new phone. Payment will just be added to our bill so no out of empty-pocket cash necessary. My anxiety rears its head because it just seems like everything is hitting us and hitting us hard. The fridge, the dryer, the truck, chemo crud, and a clinging cold/allergy session, and now, the phone.</b><br />
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<b>Two hours later he returns with what they had to offer. A deal. UH OH! I hope he didn’t… he did. He fell for what they had to offer: a Smartphone and a FREE tablet with all the fixins and trimmings. A case, a keyboard, and they even tossed in some GPS thing for the car. Swindled. A week later he was returning, the phone shield (not free) and protective phone cover, keyboard to the tablet and the case (also not free). For what they were charging him HUNDREDS of dollars for, he purchased on Amazon for under fifty bucks!</b><br />
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<b>I happen to despise the smartphone and everything that it stands for. I’ll hold my ground with my stupid phone as long as I can, but wouldn’t you know it, ironically, maybe less than two weeks later since his purchase, my phone stops working. Keys don’t function, the battery barely holds a charge, and the only key that worked in the end, was a way to get my contacts before my dumb-phone went dark, never to open its eyes again. </b><br />
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<b>I cried! I wanted my stupid phone! My only active contacts on the phone were my texts to my son, a text to hubby when he was on break at work, and two calls on the weekend to my mother. That’s it! Now the phone has gone into the ether. What will this poor woman do??</b><br />
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<b>Hubby snapped into action, he ordered me a phone online and it would take two days to arrive. Thank God my son has a FB messenger app that when I write to him from Facebook, it goes right to his phone. Two days not talking to him, my lifeline, would tear me to pieces. Facebook finally came in handy! The only problem? With our phone service (I have no idea what it all entails, and I don’t care to know. Technology is a blank to me, a total blank!) the only phone they force on you is, you guessed it, the Smartphone! They offer NOTHING but smartphones! </b><br />
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<b>So my phone conveniently goes up in a puff of smoke when his phone was accidentally fried. Now I'm forced to get a new phone. It’s a conspiracy. It seems everything can and is going wrong like a train derailment skidding into a stop position but no sign of slowing any time soon.</b><br />
<b>But wait all of this began happening when my perky positive self took a turn for the worse. I’m an optimist, positive sharer of love, and giver of smiles and joy, but when I knew I was going for chemo in the vein, my world toppled! TOPPLED! I lost hope, I lost laughter and joy and optimism. Optimism is what God wanted me to have but hope was veiled, I couldn’t find positivity and every single day it is a struggle to see the Light shine, and lack of sun and warmth is no help.</b><br />
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<b>Also on the familial level, I feel like a forgotten soul. Do you know how hard it is to love online Spiritual Family, that actually embraces me daily, more than any other family I'm connected to? Don’t get me wrong, I love the families God has surrounded me with but it is hard to see people as caring with an every-three-month email or visit (if that) saying I’m praying for you, hope things are okay. I’ve shut down. If you want to know how I am ask ME, I’ll be glad to tell you, if you don’t ask, I won’t, it’s that easy.</b><br />
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<b>I’ve written a blog for well over ten years. My family could sure learn a lot about me if they read the pain in my words but no, they’ll wait until I pass and say, “How come I didn’t know about this?” Well, you did but you didn’t care enough to read the very heart and soul of the one you claimed to have loved.</b><br />
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<b>Now to turn this around into a positive! I HAVE to see positive beauty in life, the life I WANT to live and not give up on. I have a husband, a son, and a Spiritual Family that cares for me, touches me, and gives me strength every single day to go on and be the me they know me to be! I am HER!!! It’s just hard digging her out of the trenches the sandy soil has encompassed me with.</b><br />
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<b>The truck still runs, the chemo might get better, we did get new phones (that’s a whole different story) and my hardy Salvias are trying to peek their heads out and show me that life IS worth sticking around for. Until I got wind of a Blizzard Warning for the end of the week. HA HA HA HA! </b><br />
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<b>I’m looking up! I need to continue writing because that is the emotional healing that I <span style="color: #351c75;">NEED</span>. Where you all follow along, read, and support me, my family here doesn’t know much at all and is full of questions. That pretty much sets me back because my path is NOT the path they’d choose, nor would any of you for that matter, but you RESPECT my chosen path! I love you for that. </b><br />
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<b>When I say I don’t look forward to living. The family gasps! You guys reading this understand me and know that this is just a phase and offer prayer, support and strength as I wiggle my way through this setback. You lift me up and make me WANT to live! Give me a REASON to live! And just as I typed this I peeked at Facebook before posting this and here’s what greeted me. <span style="color: #351c75;">“Our thoughts and feelings have an electromagnetic reality. Manifest wisely.” </span></b></div>
<b>I think my Spiritual Family actually gets this, I thank you and love you for knowing and understanding me! Manifest positivity and it powers through! Manifest negativity and everything can and will go wrong. </b><br />
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<b><span style="color: red; font-size: large;">Mark 1:10 "And straightway coming up out of the water, he saw the heavens opened, and the Spirit like a dove descending upon him:”</span></b></div>
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<div class="blogger-post-footer">One woman, One Voice among a thousand whispers</div>jonihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03401569094090026684noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-13925627.post-62145232064225244322019-04-08T08:38:00.001-05:002019-04-08T08:38:51.983-05:00Lost: I'm searching<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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<b><span style="color: red;">2 Sam. 23:4 “And he shall be as the light of the morning, when the sun riseth, even a morning without clouds; as the tender grass springing out of the earth by clear shining after rain.”</span></b></div>
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<b><span style="color: red;">The days leading up to...</span></b></div>
<b><br /></b>
<b>The days leading up to a chemo treatment are usually filled with anxiety. I try my meditation, my prayers, my refocusing of daily chores and hobbies, but still, I find I’m normal, in so much that, anxiety leaks through. </b><br />
<b><br /></b>
<b>I’ve been having good days filled with a lot of pain at night on my right thigh. I guess this is normal too, one of those lovely side effects. I try to understand what I signed up for but I honestly have no clue. I know I signed up for intravenous Herceptin, with no port, and it has side effects. What does it do? Well, one thing it doesn’t do is cure the Big C! It kind of sings it to sleep. </b><br />
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<b>Why do people assume that chemo is a cure? Do you not see the commercials from the ACS begging for money to help them <span style="color: blue;">FIND</span> a cure? Sure they have treatments to prolong your life, but cure? <span style="color: blue;">THERE IS NO CURE!</span> Just had to shout that out to those who are reading.</b><br />
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<b>Here are the COMMON side effects of Herceptin:</b><br />
<b><span style="color: #274e13;"><br /></span></b>
<b><span style="color: #274e13;">Diarrhea - nope</span></b><br />
<b><span style="color: #274e13;">redness or irritation at injection (IV) site - well duh all needles have some pain/redness</span></b><br />
<b><span style="color: #274e13;">muscle/joint/back pain - YES</span></b><br />
<b><span style="color: #274e13;">stomach or abdominal pain - somewhat</span></b><br />
<b><span style="color: #274e13;">Headache - not really</span></b><br />
<b><span style="color: #274e13;">sleep problems (insomnia) - nope</span></b><br />
<b><span style="color: #274e13;">nausea and vomiting (may be severe) _ thank God NO</span></b><br />
<b><span style="color: #274e13;">weight loss - I sure hope not! Hard enough finding clothes now!</span></b><br />
<b><span style="color: #274e13;">Rash - kinda</span></b><br />
<b><span style="color: #274e13;">altered sense of taste - is that what that is?</span></b><br />
<b><span style="color: #274e13;">mouth sores - nope</span></b><br />
<b><span style="color: #274e13;">loss of appetite - still eating like a pig!</span></b><br />
<b><span style="color: #274e13;">Tiredness - most definitely</span></b><br />
<b><span style="color: #274e13;">cold symptoms such as stuffy nose, sinus pain, sneezing, or sore throat. - Runny nose, does that count?</span></b><br />
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<b>Tell your doctor if you have serious side effects of Herceptin including:</b><br />
<b><br /></b>
<b><span style="color: #274e13;">bone pain,</span></b><br />
<b><span style="color: #274e13;">increased coughing,</span></b><br />
<b><span style="color: #274e13;">swelling of the hands/ankles/feet,</span></b><br />
<b><span style="color: #274e13;">sudden unexplained weight gain,</span></b><br />
<b><span style="color: #274e13;">unusual tiredness,</span></b><br />
<b><span style="color: #274e13;">severe headache,</span></b><br />
<b><span style="color: #274e13;">tingling or numbness (e.g., in the hands, feet, leg),</span></b><br />
<b><span style="color: #274e13;">mental/mood changes, - going through menopause, so yes, before Herceptin days.</span></b><br />
<b><span style="color: #274e13;">fast or pounding heartbeat, and</span></b><br />
<b><span style="color: #274e13;">easy bruising or bleeding.</span></b><br />
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<b>I don’t know the difference in BONE pain and muscle pain, I somewhat have an idea after breaking my femur. But…</b><br />
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<b>THIS is the other DRUG he wanted me taking and I refused. The COMMON side effects alone scared the pants off of me! </b><br />
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<b>Common side effects of Femara include:</b><br />
<b><br /></b>
<b><span style="color: #274e13;">hot flashes,</span></b><br />
<b><span style="color: #274e13;">warmth in your face or chest,</span></b><br />
<b><span style="color: #274e13;">hair loss,</span></b><br />
<b><span style="color: #274e13;">joint/bone/muscle pain,</span></b><br />
<b><span style="color: #274e13;">tiredness,</span></b><br />
<b><span style="color: #274e13;">unusual sweating or night sweats,</span></b><br />
<b><span style="color: #274e13;">nausea,</span></b><br />
<b><span style="color: #274e13;">diarrhea,</span></b><br />
<b><span style="color: #274e13;">dizziness,</span></b><br />
<b><span style="color: #274e13;">trouble sleeping,</span></b><br />
<b><span style="color: #274e13;">drowsiness,</span></b><br />
<b><span style="color: #274e13;">weight gain,</span></b><br />
<b><span style="color: #274e13;">weakness,</span></b><br />
<b><span style="color: #274e13;">flushing (warmth, redness, or tingly feeling),</span></b><br />
<b><span style="color: #274e13;">headache,</span></b><br />
<b><span style="color: #274e13;">constipation,</span></b><br />
<b><span style="color: #274e13;">numbness/tingling/weakness/stiffness in your hand or fingers, or</span></b><br />
<b><span style="color: #274e13;">pain in your hand that spreads to your arm, wrist, forearm, or shoulder.</span></b><br />
<b><br /></b>
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<b>I would hate to see what the more serious side effects are! When a trusted doctor tells you the side effects are a lot like menopause I beg to differ!!! Unless I’m a rarity among women!</b><br />
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<b>This is MY choice of estrogen blocker that I showed him last Wednesday to see if he’ll ‘allow’ it in my regimen. I’m not giving him a choice.</b><br />
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<b>DIM partial list of side effects:</b><br />
<b><br /></b>
<b>This is not a complete list of side effects and others may occur.</b><br />
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<b><span style="color: #38761d;">One of the supplements used for estrogen dominance is diindolylmethane, or DIM, which is a natural plant-based chemical found in many cruciferous vegetables. The effects of cruciferous vegetables, such as cabbage, broccoli, and Brussels sprouts, are being studied as a treatment for cancer.[1] DIM works to create a healthy balance of estrogen and testosterone in your body and is available in capsules or tablets.</span></b><br />
<b><span style="color: #38761d;"><br /></span></b>
<b><span style="color: #38761d;">DIM Supplement warnings:</span></b><br />
<b><span style="color: #38761d;">If you have a hormone-related condition, make sure to discuss DIM with your doctor, because it can sometimes block estrogen activity. Taking larger doses can be unsafe; possible side effects of using DIM supplements include headaches and nausea.</span></b><br />
<b><span style="color: #38761d;"><br /></span></b>
<b><span style="color: #38761d;">DIM Side Effects and Interactions</span></b><br />
<b><span style="color: #38761d;">DIM is considered to be safe when consumed from natural sources at doses 100-200mg daily. Taking larger doses such as 600 mg each day, may cause side effects such as headaches, upset stomachs, and can cause reduced sodium levels in some people</span></b><br />
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<b>TO ME, DIM is much safer than Femara and does the same thing in a natural way, albeit a tablet form. Yes, I’m still on a plant-based regimen! </b><br />
<b><br /></b>
<b>The Day of Dread and Doom came and looking for a chair in the chamber was almost impossible, filled with souls getting poison pumped into their systems, bald and aging, wrinkled and sagging. And then there was me with a puzzled look on my face wondering what on earth I was doing there.</b><br />
<b><br /></b>
<b>The quick session was over (thirty minutes) and I was promised this one would not be as bad as the first session with the chills and pain. It was a lie as I arrived home, I went right to the bedroom cringed in pain, popping pill after pill to try and relieve some of this tension-wracked pain nursing my body and feeding the angst and desperation I never knew before.</b><br />
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<b>Three hours of crying and wriggling in pain, I finally fell asleep. I woke but didn’t want to. I hurt like I’ve never hurt before. Eight years of arthritis and no meds, pain bearable but now, this pain was exhausting and unending. My mind was not accepting this. I did not in no way shape or form want to finish my life out in this kind of angst that is driving my body into the grave. My mind, almost gone. Is this what menopause is like? I don’t think so. Thank you, doctor, for bending the truth YET AGAIN!</b><br />
<b><br /></b>
<b>Oh and my DIM supplement? He laughed in my face and offered me up another drug to kill me with less side effects. I said no ten times but his ears were obviously clogged so I appeased him, ok doctor, maybe next visit in three weeks.</b><br />
<b><br /></b>
<b>It has been almost one week and I still feel like the crab on the ocean floor, sucking down the toxic poisons left behind. I still have my hard shell, I can still crawl and be plucked out of the water at any moment but for now, my body is filtering poison through my system and it’s not a pretty sight. Have you ever opened a crab up? Have you seen the filters and the yellow gunk that you’re told NOT to eat of the crab, just the meat? I don’t even have meat left to eat. I am a shell. My yellow gunk is on display. I have maintained my body weight since September, so I know I'm still fighting! </b><br />
<b><br /></b>
<b>My husband and son see this change in me; at their wit's end and hubby being sick with walking pneumonia, this isn’t going to fare well. Mother-in-law came out and I feel like she thinks this chemo is the cure-all I need and is good for me but then not after I tell her how it makes me feel. But then again, no one has a clue of the pain and isolation chamber I feel locked into.</b><br />
<b><br /></b>
<b>I was strolling along enjoying life. Going to physical therapy three days a week when suddenly the rug was pulled out from under me and I fell, hard. Now, I get to the outside world, if I’m lucky, every three weeks for chemo. A doctor visit here and there. A stare out the window, a walk to the back door, and life going on in every way without me. I’m a shell with two eyeballs looking left and right and wondering, is someone going to get me out of here? </b><br />
<b><br /></b>
<b>I wake in the morning and don’t like who I see. I’m filled with anger, disgust, discouragement, hate, bitterness, pain and misery; all of these things are foreign to the me who just a month ago was enjoying the physical therapy, loving life and feeling God deep within every step I took. Now...it’s only fitting that during Lent, the season that is being swallowed up around me, I should be tempted and filled with everything the dark lord stands for. </b><br />
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<b>I’m here...waiting for the crab net to come swooping down. Run along now...it’s not a pretty sight.</b><br />
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<b><span style="color: red;">Pss. 95:8 “Harden not your heart, as in the provocation, and as in the day of temptation in the wilderness:”</span></b></div>
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<b>I’m hanging in here, Lord. Don’t leave me dangling...</b><br />
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<b><span style="color: red;">Isa. 58:8 “Then shall thy light break forth as the morning, and thine health shall spring forth speedily: and thy righteousness shall go before thee; the glory of the LORD shall be thy reward.”</span></b></div>
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<div class="blogger-post-footer">One woman, One Voice among a thousand whispers</div>jonihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03401569094090026684noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-13925627.post-37693023617700979642019-03-27T09:26:00.001-05:002019-03-27T09:26:52.050-05:00Spiritually Speaking<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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<b><span style="color: red;">1 Cor. 1:26 "For ye see your calling, brethren, how that not many wise men after the flesh, not many mighty, not many noble, are called:"</span></b></div>
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<b><span style="color: red;">Spiritually Speaking</span></b></div>
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<b>The day I came home from my first round of chemo, my body felt like it was pulled out of an ice chest, set in the car, and told to go home and fend for yourself. Basically, that is what happened when the lady behind the desk looked at me stupidly and asked, “Is that all for today?” I’m not a cursing woman but I’m sure my eyes poked hers out with the daggers I was slinging at her.</b><br />
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<b>Luckily, I had taken a small blanket that Steven quickly wrapped around me as he saw the chills were getting the best of me as he buckled me in the truck. Yeah, you’re at the whim of everyone when this takes place and luckily I got one of those good men that can handle taking care of me. </b><br />
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<b>But the white dove… when he made an appearance earlier in the week, I knew he was spiritually telling me that things were going to be alright. I haven’t seen him since mind you. Things just didn’t feel like they were all going to be okay at this moment as every bone jingled, every tooth chattered, and tears, well, of course, they were not in short supply, they overflowed my eyes like the Niagara Falls!</b><br />
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<b>I got home, was helped into the house, helped into my pajamas (with a hefty blanket wrapped around me, mind you) and laid back on the bed. I fell asleep instantly. I woke to pee a couple of hours later, took a pain pill then it was back to sleep until the next day. </b><br />
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<b>The next day I woke to feel very stiff, hungry as all get out because a pretzel was the gist of my food the day prior, and I felt like I was in the Cone of Silence, I spoke in whispers, and no one heard. I was in a fog. Luckily Steven had off that day because I would’ve been no good to take care of myself. Honestly, a couple days passed before I can say I consciously remember what happened. </b><br />
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<b>I wasn’t hit with a ton of side effects and chills were the main thing on the day of treatment, to look out for. I was told they’d call and see if everything was alright on Friday but it was Tuesday before they called and asked if I had found the bottle of poison I passed on months ago. It was an Estrogen blocker but the side effects were worse than the chemo Herceptin and I quite clearly told her I was not comfortable with taking them. I found an alternative blocker and told her that THIS is what I’m taking, the only side effect was a possible headache. I’m okay with that. The doc didn’t understand why I wasn’t willing to take a prescription DRUG with an arm's length of side effects including liver damage, possible heart damage, hair loss, and a lot of other losses I just am not willing to gamble with! He needs to see the bottle of what I’m taking and I’ll show it to him, next week on my second trip of a ten-year dance with chemo. (The Doc is a he, Navigator is a she)</b><br />
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<b>I knew my birthday was coming up and I was so glad to finally relax and have a ray of light shine in my window after the floods and snow absorbed my mind and chemo stole my positive line of thinking. I was losing hope and this is not something I’m familiar with! It is totally foreign to me! I’m upbeat and overflowing with positivity! </b><br />
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<b>Thursday would be a Joni day! My son was coming out to see me to give me my gift, (because he’d be working on my birthday) and my mother in law wanted to come out and see me too, because on Saturday my nephew, her grandson, was getting married. I haven’t seen her since Christmas, so that would be nice. I wanted to hear how the flood affected her little town that made National News for the first time in their lives I imagine. She had not seen any of my progress since December and I’ve come along way since then. She had no idea about my choice of doing chemo. She had company the week before and I was too shaken by the events to rain on her parade so I kept it personal. Okay, my online friends knew more than my family, just so you know!</b><br />
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<b>My son got me an awesome sketch pad and an extremely nice pencil set so I can get back into my sketching. I need to refocus on something more than Facebook and just writing about the Big C. I need to focus on my passions and love! My drawing, my poetry, my gift. My story, my husband and my son are number one in my life so I need to focus on caring for them, but also nurture the passions and gifts that God gave me. My M-I-L brought me a card with money (always needed and helpful) and a soft cuddly bear with inspirational words attached to her ribbon. I named her Harmony, a grayish bear with one black ear! A precious addition to my growing stuffed family.</b><br />
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<b>I was slowly feeling uplifted, but I needed to be careful because one thought, one memory could just knock me down. Saturday, my birthday arrived, I was going out to enjoy my day and have Chinese food! Woohoo! I’m on a strict protocol but sometimes the strictness binds me and it gets me down. It would take a knock on my door and a beautiful flower from someone many miles away to boldly lift my spirits! <i>Online friend</i>s who can reach your front door with acts of kindness need their own special blessing because I’m telling you, it started a snowball of an all-around good day!!! Thank you! </b><br />
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<b>At the Chinese restaurant, I got the garden medley. My goodness, green pepper, broccoli, mushrooms, onions, carrots, and more in a nice sauce, with rice on the side! It had been gray and dreary and my one wish, my one prayer was for some sun not only for my birthday but for my nephew who was getting married outside at his family's home where he grew up. He wanted a special day as much as I did. As I walked out the door to go on my adventure, the sun came out!!! Bright and beautiful with a little blue sky in the mixture. It was going to be a great day! What a meal I had! I bet it was a really nice wedding, too. Because of my disability, I like to spare people the burden of coddling me when something more important than me is taking place. </b><br />
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<b>I was feeling hopeful but I’m telling you it only takes one thing and wham, I’m down. Sunday it would be my talk to my mother. She is so depressing. She says over and over how lonely she is, how she has nothing to live for, life is not worth living, etc. etc. NO, no one can get through to a woman who all her life was dedicated to her husband and nothing else. Of course she has nothing to live for, with him gone, she literally has nothing. It’s sad and it brings me down, and she has NO IDEA of what I’m going through.</b><br />
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<b>Monday came and I was trying to pick myself back up! I woke, cleaned myself up, got dressed, exercised, ate fruit, washed clothes and I was well on my way to a brighter day, even if the sun wanted to play hide and seek every single day! Adam visited and it was a good day, exhausting but good. I needed rest. I normally set myself by the front window with my computer but I was so exhausted by six o’clock I decided to just go lay in bed and meditate. I took my computer and instead of surfing, writing, or anything else, I chose meditative sounds to help me calm my nerves and the loss I had been feeling.</b><br />
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<b>I had not realized thirty minutes had passed but I opened my eyes after a relaxing prayerful meditation and just sighed. It was a good sigh and then I caught something out of the corner of my eye. Something was saying to look out the window. The curtains were drawn but a couple of slats of the mini-blind were open. I saw something white. A mound of snow? No, it moved. Must be my white dog, Riley. No, it’s too white to be her. I jumped up not believing what I thought it was, a duck, so I made my way to peek out the window.</b><br />
<b>“My dear sweet Jesus, it’s a duck!” A BIG WHITE duck and a small black one were nestled on my lawn. Just sitting there looking around as if dazed.</b><br />
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<b>My husband jumped from his chair and came in to see. He couldn’t believe the white dove and now a duck? He was scratching his head too! We both made our way to the back of the house so we could see with camera in hand what we were seeing! There they were Yin/Yang I thought. A big white duck and a small black duck.</b><br />
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<b>From Wikipedia: “In Chinese philosophy, yin and yang is a concept of dualism in ancient Chinese philosophy, describing how seemingly opposite or contrary forces may actually be complementary, interconnected, and interdependent in the natural world, and how they may give rise to each other as they interrelate to one another.”</b><br />
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<b>Hope was speedily returning to me. Could this be the push I needed to get me through another session of chemo next week? When Tuesday came I was almost afraid the hope would be gone but it was still there. And when hubby checked the mail there was a THANK YOU from the wonderful ladies of Physical Therapy with a thank you card. I had framed a poem and gave it to them for their office and they thanked me for that ‘blessing’ and so much more, my genuine thoughtfulness, my spunkiness, and the laughter I brought to them. I had made my mark as I apparently do. </b><br />
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<b>I read something this morning by Max Lucado: When Joseph, Mary’s husband, was asked to do something for God, instead of saying NO, <i>“Joseph obeyed. God used him to change the world. He does the same with us. Be a modern day Joseph. God will use you to bring Jesus into the world.”</i></b><br />
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<b>I think I found my calling. I’m listening, Lord! I’m listening. </b><br />
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<div class="blogger-post-footer">One woman, One Voice among a thousand whispers</div>jonihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03401569094090026684noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-13925627.post-1988323086523642072019-03-22T10:20:00.001-05:002019-03-22T10:20:31.356-05:00The Chemo Journey<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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<b><span style="color: red;">1 Sam. 1:15 “And Hannah answered and said, No, my lord, I am a woman of a sorrowful spirit: I have drunk neither wine nor strong drink, but have poured out my soul before the LORD.”</span></b></div>
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<b><span style="color: red;">The Chemo Journey</span></b></div>
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<b>Preparing for the inevitable chemo Herceptin was an anxiety driven road riddled with potholes. First with the, “We need to see if your heart can handle this drug,” to “Come in the day before treatment to have your blood drawn.” All while having to say my goodbyes to the wonderful young lady who brought me this far in my Physical Therapy recovery and her team that I had grown to know and love over seven months.</b><br />
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<b>A rollercoaster of emotions that I’m still not sure I’m doing the right thing but I was powering through like a champ. The heart test was tedious; take my blood, wait thirty minutes, put my blood back with some kind of drug that would identify if my heart was pumping. Into a tube after putting those lovely sticky nodule things on my chest and into the tube for twenty minutes of picture taking. I wouldn’t find out the results until chemo-day.</b><br />
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<b>Even the day of drawing my blood was filled with anxiety as the lady who drew my blood was not the regular lady and it kind of hurt this time with the wiggling of the chair's arm. My arm was at an awkward position, thus the needle hurt going in and when she was done, she pressed on some cotton that didn’t feel too good but again, I was pushing through the day. Test results wouldn’t be available until the next day, chemo day. </b><br />
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<b>Chemo day arrived and my anxiety had hit an all-time high. There was no form of meditation or prayer calming me that’s for sure but again, trudge through, rain and all. I did want to go to the Mall and the Pretzel Palace where they make fresh soft pretzels. The day before we went there and met up with my son and he said he'd like to do that again on chemo day if I didn’t mind. Mind? Hubby, son and a soft pretzel equal heaven to me! And an FYI, NO, I'm not supposed to be eating it but at least I passed on the melted cheddar cheese that you could get with the pretzel. It was definitely comforting food for me in a hard time.</b><br />
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<b>This was also the day the flood waters began to show signs of keeping us from getting out of the house. Hubby had been having troubles with his truck and hadn’t driven it much this winter and there was no way our already previously flooded out driveway would allow our car through. The water was rising, the substation across the road was covered, surrounded by water as I’d never seen. I was ready to cancel.</b><br />
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<b>Hubby, determined to get me the doctor on Chemo Day, tried his truck, it started right up. He revved and revved, turned it off and on a couple of times and he was good to go! I wasn’t ready but he and the truck were.</b><br />
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<b>As we swerved around the bend to slosh our way to the entry of our driveway, we saw what we were in for. The water around the substation was now crossing the road. The truck stalled, rev it up, stall. “Let’s go back,” I said anxiously. But instead, the next rev of the engine had us swerving on our way, up the muddy dirt road, where the ditches were almost level with the road beside them. On we went.</b><br />
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<b>I had texted my son that we were on our way and would meet him at the mall at the Pretzel Palace. A relaxing visit that eased my anxiety and found me not in tears heading off to the Chemo that I was still against but trudged on anyway.</b><br />
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<b>Arriving at the set time, slumped over and sad, I could feel my smile was a frown. I was not happy to be there and the thoughts of being a small child being led into a gas chamber weighed heavy on my mind. The weigh-in was grim. The hellos were stilted and the waiting for someone to come in and tell me what was next was like waiting for a dentist to yank out a wisdom tooth! I was so glad to have my husband by my side, but I could see that he too was tormented with confusion and uncertainty.</b><br />
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<b>After a forty minute wait, the twenty-minute idle chit chat of the PA sent me off to ‘pick out a chair’ and they’ll set you right up. The room with the chairs was like looking at coffins to pick out. All looked like nice comfy recliners with chairs beside them for guests, but the recliners themselves looked like a deathbed. I feared that room from my very first day of diagnosis and now here I was, a victim to be sat in ‘the chair’.</b><br />
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<b>As I, with a head of thinning hair sat and looked around, there was elderly bald folk hooked up by a port to get their poison. A thin young bald guy awaited his blood to be drawn and another lady waited for a shot in the stomach. Oh, the torture. I was about to cry when my doctor appeared saying he had a cold so he wouldn’t be shaking my hand today and asked if I was okay and had any questions. I had hundreds but shook my head no, tears now brimming my eyes. More idle chit chat that I didn’t hear and the nurse appeared with a needle. “You don’t have a port?” She asked quite shockingly like why are you here?</b><br />
<b>I told her no and she proceeded to stick a needle in my ‘bony arm’ and the juice flowed. For ninety minutes, with my back already in pain, I would sit as the poison flowed into my veins. I was now a victim of chemo. Outside the window, the sun briefly shone. Days on end of clouds and rain and here I was on my deathbed and the sky opened up and let the sun out to dance for a while.</b><br />
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<b>After the ninety minutes were up, the nurse came back to flush something in my arm and I’d be there another ten minutes. This was almost a three-hour visit! I was hooked up to a blood pressure machine also, as this form of chemo affected the heart and they wanted to monitor me. I watched my blood pressure go from 115 to well over 140 by the time I left.</b><br />
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<b>I rose to leave. Weakened, I almost dropped. My back in utter pain. Walker in hand, I made a beeline for the door, with my husband in hot pursuit. Walking past the front desk smiley receptionist says, “Is that all for today?” I wanted to tell her to go… nevermind… “I’m fine, thanks.” And walked out the door to be met by dark clouds, a chilled swift breeze and a mist starting to fall from the sky. The sun had run away too!</b><br />
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<b>The chills, the pain, the anxiety, the sadness, the fear, the glazed watery eyes, the mud-puddles pretending to be roads all made their presence known. I will wallow in self-pity and figure out what I do now. Where does one go from here? </b><br />
<b><br /></b>
<b>TO BE CONTINUED…</b><br />
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<b>There will be the REST of this story.</b><br />
<b>Please, no harsh criticism.</b><br />
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<b><span style="color: red;">Pss. 18:4-5 The sorrows of death compassed me, and the floods of ungodly men made me afraid. The sorrows of hell compassed me about: the snares of death prevented me.</span></b></div>
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<div class="blogger-post-footer">One woman, One Voice among a thousand whispers</div>jonihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03401569094090026684noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-13925627.post-56729167834432473062019-03-09T10:41:00.000-06:002019-03-09T10:41:02.536-06:00OPTIMISM: A New Day<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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<b><span style="color: red;">Pss. 34:4 I sought the LORD, and he heard me, and delivered me from all my fears.</span></b></div>
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<b><span style="color: red;">Optimism: A New Day</span></b></div>
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<b>For the past two and a half weeks I’ve been walking around in a veiled fog. My brain couldn’t wrap itself around the simplest of things. I knew without the Oral Chemo I would start to fail. I don’t know why the nurse assumed, two weeks ago, I would jump right into the chemo Herceptin, she knows me and has been working with me for seven months but she went ahead and stopped all further shipments of my meds and didn’t, it sounds to me, get the doctors okay. He wanted me back on what I had left here at home, pronto! And as soon as I started taking it again, my body, muscles, and brain all connected, finally.</b><br />
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<b>I was angry and bitter at just about anyone I came in contact with. I put up a good front (or not) but I muddled through each and every day. If you’ve been reading my blog over the years, you know I am an optimist at heart. I take everything to the Lord and listen <span style="color: purple;">ONLY</span> to Him. Not my husband, son, doctors or family can tell me anything, I listen to God and wait for what He has to say ALL of the time.</b><br />
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<b>This instance was no different as I told you last week. I prayed, I heard, and I listened. I also told you I didn’t like the answer I got and for that, I became bitter and disgruntled and in all honesty, ready to pick out my urn! Just an FYI: I want the cover of Dark Side of the Moon on it. Inscription will say: "I'll see you on the dark side of the moon."</b><br />
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<b><span style="color: red;">Pss. 34:6 "This poor man cried, and the LORD heard him and saved him out of all his troubles."</span></b></div>
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<b>God wants me to go the Herceptin route and for the life of me, I cannot conceive why. Why would He do this to me? Why can’t I just be healed like everyone imagines how healing is done? You don’t have to answer that I already know the answer. <span style="color: purple;">GOD DOES NOT WORK THAT WAY!</span> </b><br />
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<b>With all of the healthy eating and supplementation, my body was being prepared to handle what the damaging poison would do to my system. It’s a fact that chemo destroys, it’s a fact that we have the power within ourselves to heal so we need to step up and take action to see healing through. I worked hard to build up my immunity and it may just be time to see if it is strong enough for the poison while the poison attacks the C cells. A science project in motion, if you will.</b><br />
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<b>My body was ready for the Oral Chemo. After sifting through the lies that the doctor told, I had no idea the Oral Chemo was a short term route. I was led to believe ‘that I would see ANOTHER Christmas’. Well, if I don’t go the Herceptin route, I might not see another Christmas!</b><br />
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<b>I have said over and over and over again, this illness is not like a cold. You eat some soup, take some vitamin c and you’re all better. There is no clear indication that just changing your diet to an organic plant-based and taking supplements is the secret to healing the Big C! I’ve NEVER EVER said that or misled anyone to believe that. I made it perfectly clear that there is an entire chasm of healing tools and chemo is NOT the only way to go either! And also, cancer is NOT the death sentence that doctors would like you to believe it is, it’s an enemy of your system, but it is YOUR system, your body, your healing, no one else can heal you but <span style="color: purple;">God and you</span>!</b><br />
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<b>The women I see healing alternatively have money, the choice of fine doctors at their fingertips, chiropractors, have been to the clinic in Mexico, have access to the UV saunas, have within their reach the ability to afford all the crazy organic Plant Based food, and many live in states where Medicinal Cannabis is legal. They have family supporting them and maybe they’ve never had a life of trauma. Yes, I know, we’ve all had hard lives but again <span style="color: #990000;">TRAUMA</span> is different than losing a dog when you were a kid or being whooped because you were bad. <span style="color: #990000;">TRAUMA</span> is stress that needs tender loving care to get through and it doesn’t happen in a meditation session, or on a psychologists sofa, or with drugs! There are elements to healing this disease that the poor impoverished person has a much deeper struggle to contend with.</b><br />
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<b>So with that, yesterday I woke with an answer. Optimism! I’ve had a gung-ho attitude through all of this but in recent weeks my pep pooped out! Today, my poop got pepped! Ewww. Wait. Today my perk got prepped! Yeah, that sounds better. God said to me if I go into chemo thinking it’s going to destroy and kill me, by all means, it will. If I go in with the optimism that this is just another supplement (albeit a poisonous one) needed in my healing then we’ll find success, then so be it! We’ll find healing! </b><br />
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<b>God is not a God of fear tactics and scare traits. He wants me to see this as a love potion to add to all of my other healthy eating, exercising, and supplementation. This is just an odd leg of the journey that I did not want to accept. You heard me right, I didn’t like what God wanted me to do! After asking for forgiveness in my doubting Him and asking Him to hold my hand and lead the way, He shouted,<span style="color: purple; font-size: large;"> OPTIMISM</span>! We’ll walk with optimism so I can see a new day every day and see many more Christmas’! </b><br />
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<b>I don’t have to do what the doctor says, I’m in the passenger seat of this vehicle and God is my Almighty Driver! The doctors fear tactics have me on this Herceptin for years, ten to twenty. Look, people, I’m not a prisoner doing ten to twenty years for something I didn’t do. I am going to show the world that this disease can be licked, all wounds healed and scars tended to. Years down the line, the scars will be minimal with caressing, rubbing, touching, acknowledging and coming face to face with what brought them to me. </b><br />
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<b>My mantra will continue - I am HEALED, I am Healthy and I am WELL! </b><br />
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<b><span style="color: red;">All praise and Glory to my God! </span></b></div>
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<b><span style="color: red;">Pss. 34:</span></b><span style="color: red;"><b>1 "I will bless the LORD at all times: his praise shall continually be in my mouth."</b></span></div>
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<br /><div class="blogger-post-footer">One woman, One Voice among a thousand whispers</div>jonihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03401569094090026684noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-13925627.post-11361896503432367352019-03-07T10:55:00.000-06:002019-03-07T10:55:23.726-06:00The Bombardment: Doubt and Fear<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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<b>Baltimore, Maryland - Fort McHenry</b></div>
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<b>The Star Spangled Banner was written out there</b></div>
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<b><span style="color: red;">Pss. 57:6 “They have prepared a net for my steps; my soul is bowed down: they have digged a pit before me, into the midst whereof they are fallen themselves. Selah.”</span></b></div>
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<b>This week and last week I’ve been hit with a bombardment of emotions. I’d wake in the morning to tears, look out the window and all I saw was a dense fog, so deep there was no seeing a light, a blade of dead grass or even a winterized tree, just deep snow packed lawn, fields and a mist.</b><br />
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<b>It all began as a flurry of uncertainty the minute I accepted chemo as a way to heal this crud. If you all have been with me throughout this ordeal you’ll know I’m dead set against chemo (no pun intended) as this being any form of healing. I see chemo as a death sentence and I can’t get past this unnerving grating feeling deep inside me.</b><br />
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<b>At the beginning of this trial, the only family member I told was my niece. She was the only one I trusted to care. My hubby told his family also. I had expected care and compassion to crawl out of the woodwork but say the words ‘alternative’ to a conservative nation, you’re going to be met with a bombardment of questions and doubts and a sort of wall to be built that you’re not allowed over. All negativity I tried to avoid came creeping in, in unexpected ways! </b><br />
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<b>Here I am two years into this affliction and I’ve grown and have learned so much! My diet was never bad, I’ve been 125 -135 pounds since I was in my twenties. I didn’t keep that weight because I pigged out on all the wrong foods with no exercise. No, I pretty much cared for my health until about five years ago when living in a carnivorous world finally caught up to me. All the meat and potatoes could not be excreted quick enough with exercise, that’s for sure! But two years ago, with this diagnosis, I dove into research on natural treatments and possible cures for one of the deadliest diseases that in over one-hundred years has found no CURE! </b><br />
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<b>I found that a plant-based diet and supplementation could be the secret to healing and in two years, I’ve witnessed the success of MANY women going this route. No surgery, no chemo, no drugs, just the fruits of the earth to replenish their damaged body. I tried that route and was succeeding until last year when my world came crashing down. I realized I needed more than the food and supplements to get through this and it was the only reason I tried Oral Chemo.</b><br />
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<b>What I was not expecting is finding a doctor I liked (finally) and being met with lies and fear tactics. The first doozy came in the way of telling me I should focus on the tumor/lesion on my brain. “OOPS, I must’ve been reading the wrong file, sorry.” There was no tumor, that was just a fear tactic to get me to jump into chemotherapy! Then there were the months he told me my markers were going down when in FACT they were rising! </b><br />
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<b>Assuming once again I’d jump into chemo, “Stop taking your meds, they’re not working!” </b><br />
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<b>I stopped taking my meds, I didn’t jump into chemo, then the disease started gnawing at my bones! I could FEEL it, chomping and weakening me. Doc says, “Now start taking your meds again until we get in here and get the poison in your veins to fight the battle.” </b><br />
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<b>All of the hard work I did at building up my strength in physical therapy was dwindling. I at one time was the champ of the place, meeting and exceeding my goals but just yesterday I came home and could hardly bend my knee. I climbed into bed and wrapped ice packs at different parts of my leg.</b><br />
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<b>Last week I hit rock bottom. Feeling isolated and alone. Everyone seemingly has abandoned me except for my husband, son, my Physical Therapists and my loving Spiritual Online family. They are my anchors in getting me through this. Whether it’s through faith, religion, or just a positive presence, these people are the ones I’ll credit with any healing that takes place! </b><br />
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<b>I’ll be the first to admit, in all honesty, I even felt like God bailed on me. I’m just dangling on the end of this thread and it’s about to snap but luckily I’m grotesquely underweight that even a thread can hold me. Doubt and fear knocked on my door and like a fool, I let it walk right on in. </b><br />
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<b>I fear the chemo won’t work. I doubt that it is the cure all I seek. The doctor tells me of a lady who has been on Herceptin for TWENTY YEARS, and she’s still alive. And I’m supposed to find hope in that? I don’t! I will not be on this poison for one year let alone ten or twenty. That’s ridiculous! I’m concerned that the chemo, as I’ve read in all of my research, will destroy my immune system. For two years I have worked to build up my immune system! As I watch friends get sick month after month with a cold, flu, and any other illness, I’ve been the picture of health except for this one debilitating illness. I actually care about living and work my tail off to secure my strong immunity, now is chemo going to come in and destroy all I worked to build up? Am I going to lose MORE weight? How much can this tiny frail body take?</b><br />
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<b>Again, feeling abandoned, I prayed. In the wee hours of the morning, for hours, I prayed. I woke to this message:</b><br />
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<b><span style="color: red;">Prov. 13:12 (ESV) “Hope deferred makes the heart sick, but a desire fulfilled is a tree of life.” </span></b><br />
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<b>That is exactly what happened with all the talk about chemo. It brought in negativity that I didn’t know how to deal with. I’ve shunned negativity for so long when it beats me over the head, I think it’s personal and wants to fight. I think that’s the city girl in me, always ready to battle. Chemo knocked all my hope out the door. </b><br />
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<b>So what is my desire? To live! I don’t want to live until I’m ninety, but a good seventy-five - eighty would be nice. There’s my hope, right there! </b><br />
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<b>The realization of HAVING to go the chemo route is this. My diet and exercise can only save so much of me. I live within one-hundred yards of a substation, an element that cannot be removed from this healing equation. Move? Not an option, it’s Nebraska, substations are a part of life. Money would help too, then I could move. Then there are crop dusters, dropping poison on the crops to save the crop from bugs while damaging humans in the process. Such is life, I’m surrounded by fields and fields of crop dusters. I also have dealt with black mold for the ten years here. Then there is the chronic illness I’ve had all of my life and that is psoriasis. Sure supplementation has put it to sleep over the years but I do deal with flare-ups on occasion. </b><br />
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<b>I’ve been back on my plant-based diet for about three weeks now. I will continue exercising as long as my broken body and weakened limbs allow. I'll continue to meditate and pray. I’ll waltz down the organic route, the non-chemical use of body lotions and sprays, shampoos and soaps. I’ll pursue doing my part of the healing, God will do His part in protecting me, and my family will continue doing what they do, live in a toxic world right along with me.</b><br />
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<b>I will wake every day and see hope in the hopeless. I will pound through these doubts and fears. Next week will come and instead of tears, I will hold hope instead of kleenex. A smile in place of a frown. Joy instead of sorrow. I heard yesterday someone say that the simplest form of bravery is choosing to wake and take a step. How true is that?</b><br />
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<b><span style="color: red;">May God bless you all in the steps that you choose to take.</span></b></div>
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<div class="blogger-post-footer">One woman, One Voice among a thousand whispers</div>jonihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03401569094090026684noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-13925627.post-75821254384602542882019-03-04T10:10:00.000-06:002019-03-04T10:10:42.601-06:00A Dove Tale<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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<b>In Texas, my dove visits</b></div>
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<b><span style="color: red;">Josh. 1:9 "Have not I commanded thee? Be strong and of a good courage; be not afraid, neither be thou dismayed: for the Lord thy God is with thee whithersoever thou goest."</span></b></div>
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<b>A Dove Tale</b></div>
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<b>I know my friends think I’m crazy, that’s a given. I’m always ranting and babbling about holistic and alternative treatment as if it is the Holy Bible of the medical world. I sure hope I never gave that impression. The first impression I like to leave you with is for you to go to God in prayer and see what He has to say about your situation. He DOES listen! He WILL answer!</b></div>
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<b>Now the second thing I’d like to leave you with is timing and patience. We all go to prayer with wants and needs, OUR wants and needs. While God is all about our wants and needs too, with Him, it is all about in HIS time and not ours. Meaning sometimes we’re not going to like the answer we receive, or when we receive the answer.</b></div>
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<b>When I was first diagnosed I went to Him first and listened to Him. Now you’re probably saying, “And He told you what you wanted to hear, right?” Well shockingly enough, yes and no. I had no intention of doing port chemo and when God gave me an option, alternative treatment, I listened but went for a second opinion from a doctor. It was obvious no doctor was going to hear me like God, or pay my thoughts and opinion one piece of mind. Nope, they were all about drugs and money, point blank! </b></div>
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<b>So, on I went for a year and a half listening, praying, loving, learning and healing. During this time I really tuned to the animal and plant kingdom. Whether it was my dog (who was still alive at the time), the stray dog who is still here four years after wandering onto my property, or the birds and squirrels. They are all a part of God’s kingdom and the kingdom I live in most of the time. Man has let me down on major levels throughout my life, so I have to have someone, some THING to turn to, I trust the animals. The squirrels, the Cardinals, the Doves, the Owls, the deer, the wandering wild turkey, and the Falcons; the signs, the wonders. There are more things I look for, if you can imagine, from God himself. I listen, good or bad, I have to listen, this is who I am, this is who God shaped me to be. He didn’t fashion me out of false clothing that I put on every day to prance around and show you, no I received the straight up Value Village clothing to walk around in and proudly display because this is who God created in ME!</b></div>
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<b>I was recently hit with oncologist lies. I don’t know what to do with that. This is my third oncologist (I don’t have a variety out here in the middle of nowhere) so I go where God leads me. This doctor is doing an okay job, but he likes the fear tactics and scaring me and in my weakened state, I fall prey to what he offers. I’m alone and abandoned out here, I only have my husband, son, and my God. Yeah, that’s a lot to me! Besides my Spiritual Family, everyone else is just voyeurs along for the ride. </b></div>
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<b><span style="color: red;">1 Peter 5:8 “Be alert and of sober mind. Your enemy the devil prowls around like a roaring lion looking for someone to devour.”</span></b></div>
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<b>The Big C is nothing to mess with. I know in the deepest depths of my soul that this can be beaten on an alternative level but funds are needed for that route, funds I will never hold in my hand for say Vit. C therapy, Cannabis, UV therapy, a chiropractor even and so many more treatments but out of my reach. So I have to go with what I’m offered, cannot afford, but is covered.</b></div>
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<b>The doctor wrongly assumed that by scaring me back into his office a week after my visit that he’d devour me with fear and I’d jump into Chemotherapy, the port chemo that he’s been pushing all along. He hurried me in to tell me my markers had gone up, and unknown to me, had been going up all along, he LIED! He lied when he told me they were going down, they went down once, in Oct., then went up in Dec. Jan. Feb.! And here I was two visits in February. Of course I’m going to be scared. I trusted him! </b></div>
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<b>He didn’t know that his Navigator nurse had already canceled my oral chemo from being delivered. She had called the day of my blood test and told me to stop taking the toxic drugs and that is what I did, the doc was not prepared for me to say NO to port chemo. He wasn’t prepared for me to ask what the rush was and why couldn’t it have waited until my next scheduled visit. He mumbled and babbled but I was not ready to completely give up, just meet him on MY terms, not his. I agreed to the intravenous chemo drug Herceptin. Toxic and debilitating and I knew I’d need prayer and guidance on this one. Lord, don’t fail me now. This to me is not a courageous route. They won.</b></div>
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<b>I agreed only if, by my next scheduled visit, my markers were still rising. I told him I’d wait around for the results and not wait to get home to be scared. I’m also going to ask for a printout of the graph that visually shows me my red, white and C cell counts. He didn’t know the nurse had one printed for me obviously because again he lied and said my red and white cell counts were rising also. I hold the graph in my hand and it shows no such thing. My red and white cells were still dropping. So we’ll wait and see. Do I go on or do I TRY and find another doctor. I can’t keep toying with my health! I run out of choices.</b></div>
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<b>Prayer upon prayer, tear upon endless tear, decisions to be made, give up, give in or trudge on. My doctor also assumed I meant that I’d sign on for this drug and it would be in my arm like the next day. I said, no, I want another blood test before my hookup and he said he needed to schedule a test to check and see if my heart can handle this toxic drug they’re going to pump into my veins. I told him I work on my husbands' work schedule, not anyone else’s. We NEED food to eat and he NEEDS to work, I have to finish up my Physical Therapy and I’d see the good old liar in three weeks.</b></div>
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<b>In these weeks I’ve prayed. I had to weigh the pros and cons. I shared with my husband and son and listened to their opinion, I prayed, because I already knew what ‘I’ wanted but I’d listen for God…..</b></div>
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<b>I woke on a cold brisk morning, my feeder aflutter with my usual winter birds. For a week or two, a female cardinal had been hanging out with the sparrows and I asked her, “Where is Red? You get him back here!” Red is the male cardinal who only makes special appearances since he was chased away by the Blue Jay family. I needed to see him, I needed my ‘other’ family and that is the ones of the animal kingdom. </b></div>
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<b>On this morning he was hard to miss, his rich red color against the white snow as he scurried around for some stray seed. It’s funny when they seem to stop and look right at you, and slant their little heads, then go on about their business, but sure enough, Red made his appearance this day, no sign of Bell his lady friend.</b></div>
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<b>In the following days as I waited to discern answers to my prayers, I enjoyed the bunnies at the feeder in the morning before the sunrise. Four bunnies, all of which I thought had moved on because I hadn’t seen them all winter. Tracks in the snow told me they were around but I never saw them until this morning when I turned on the outside light to see if it had snowed. To my surprise, there was snow AND bunnies! As the sun came slowly cresting over the horizon on this rare event of a day, (we never see the sun these frigid, gloomy days of winter) my birds along with the squirrels all started making their appearance.</b></div>
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<b>This day was different, I could feel it but couldn’t put my finger on it. Then it happened, a dove came fluttering down with his mate, then another and another. They always come in pairs but recently the six-pack was only five. I don’t know what happened to the sixth dove. These were just your every day Morning Doves. </b><b>Then the fifth dove appeared and I said good morning to them all. I know my husband thinks I’m crazy but hey, it’s all I have these days! Wait, what is that, a sixth dove, a WHITE dove! WHITE! Tears were brimming my eyes and I couldn’t say nothing for fear of scaring him away but I whispered, “A white dove! Honey, a white dove!” I was full fledge crying now, in all my years here I’ve NEVER seen a white dove! </b></div>
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<b>My husband jumped out of his chair and slowly went to the kitchen window after peeking out my window and seeing what I saw, a white dove! Through tears I asked him, “Please tell me you see him. Please tell me I’m not crazy.” </b></div>
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<b>“He’s there! I see him too!” </b></div>
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<b>A sigh of relief. I’m not letting God or my family down if I go this toxic route. Let me tell you in all honesty, I wanted God to tell me no, don’t do it! That would’ve been MY answer, but I have to listen. I could spin it and say God doesn’t want me to go this chemo route and twist His answer to meet my needs but that would be dishonest, that would make me as small and little as my doctor.</b></div>
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<b><br /></b></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<b>I was told to give it a try, if it has bad side effects that my body can’t handle, then stop, no matter what doctor liar says. This is my body, my temple for the Lord and I will only do what He leads me to do. If at the last minute my markers miraculously go down instead of up, I pull out of this chemo crud. I just feel there are too many obstacles that can’t be beaten with diet and supplementation alone.</b></div>
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<b><br /></b></div>
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<b>Back to Square One… the will to survive.</b></div>
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<b><br /></b></div>
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<b>P.S. In the following days, no Red,</b></div>
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<b>only one dove, and the normal</b></div>
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<b>sparrows and squirrels attend</b></div>
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</div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<b>the feeder. Just so you know.</b></div>
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<br /></div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiWua2XghRKqio5kAQo6Z1eXGLffHS_hSfPtdRVGXSBmKi6zZJYfhoL-zdlYLmXF3aKioDJfhaXGaS7aa8Ozj2vS4XS3a7iKrMcsU9oA0V0okj1gsk4cM6OzdR5PdQmcbrmFLHI/s1600/100_4418+-+Copy.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1200" data-original-width="1600" height="240" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiWua2XghRKqio5kAQo6Z1eXGLffHS_hSfPtdRVGXSBmKi6zZJYfhoL-zdlYLmXF3aKioDJfhaXGaS7aa8Ozj2vS4XS3a7iKrMcsU9oA0V0okj1gsk4cM6OzdR5PdQmcbrmFLHI/s320/100_4418+-+Copy.JPG" width="320" /></a></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="color: purple;">This little fella visited me last year</span></div>
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<b><br /></b></div>
<div class="blogger-post-footer">One woman, One Voice among a thousand whispers</div>jonihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03401569094090026684noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-13925627.post-40789546977056231352019-02-17T06:15:00.000-06:002019-03-05T10:54:17.712-06:00Poetry Sunday: We Are One<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgtFkV8sMHhQ9TIx30aFYSlGgd-PkAKLVmoN8wEkzhYHDJK7HLFTZhu3yK8VhbuAOyiHwIEr1TAH_XpRZ2Bk8C1QpNiC3QrD5Nt5HavkBefJqY0ewzw1BlrDkwwzWIVwVeONmDw/s1600/joni+011.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><b><img border="0" data-original-height="1200" data-original-width="1600" height="240" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgtFkV8sMHhQ9TIx30aFYSlGgd-PkAKLVmoN8wEkzhYHDJK7HLFTZhu3yK8VhbuAOyiHwIEr1TAH_XpRZ2Bk8C1QpNiC3QrD5Nt5HavkBefJqY0ewzw1BlrDkwwzWIVwVeONmDw/s320/joni+011.jpg" width="320" /></b></a></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<b><span style="color: red;">John 20:29 “Then Jesus told him, ‘Because you have seen me, you have believed; blessed are those who have not seen and yet have believed.’” </span></b></div>
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<b><br /></b></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<b><span style="color: #990000;">We Are One</span></b></div>
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<b><br /></b></div>
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<b>I am the branch and He the vine</b></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<b>or the other way around </b></div>
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<b>so intertwined.</b></div>
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<b><br /></b></div>
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<b>I am the shadow He is the Light</b></div>
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<b>I fall to the ground without</b></div>
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<b> a sight. </b></div>
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<b><br /></b></div>
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<b>I am the wick and He the spark</b></div>
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<b>illuminating space there is</b></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<b>no dark</b></div>
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<b><br /></b></div>
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<b>I am without as He is within</b></div>
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<b>breathless purity leaves</b></div>
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<b> no sin. </b></div>
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<b><br /></b></div>
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<b>I am the bride, He is the groom</b></div>
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<b>loving relationship in</b></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<b>full bloom.</b></div>
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<b><br /></b></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<b>I am the vine, He the branch</b></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<b>integrated as One</b></div>
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<b>mortal chance. </b></div>
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<b><br /></b></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<b>I am the branch and He the vine</b></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<b>communal spirits </b></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<b>natural design. </b></div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div class="blogger-post-footer">One woman, One Voice among a thousand whispers</div>jonihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03401569094090026684noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-13925627.post-17177238163153184762019-02-15T09:53:00.000-06:002019-02-15T10:01:43.474-06:00Crossroad to Confusion<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgJc54P9diIQaNZBFnN2QLQDr10e0cxjmqSTt4537LO3YVAtW3MVUeKAWNcEjIONyftpdWEglKWVkA4nHqmC9ZmHgbI9GWP1Ov7aSHxrtbH11V4UEiJ5DPpG_8adsO4UGFhLlGM/s1600/100_3149.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1600" data-original-width="1067" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgJc54P9diIQaNZBFnN2QLQDr10e0cxjmqSTt4537LO3YVAtW3MVUeKAWNcEjIONyftpdWEglKWVkA4nHqmC9ZmHgbI9GWP1Ov7aSHxrtbH11V4UEiJ5DPpG_8adsO4UGFhLlGM/s320/100_3149.JPG" width="213" /></a></div>
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<b><span style="color: red;">Exodus 4:11-12 (NIV) “The LORD said to him, ‘Who gave human beings their mouths? Who makes them deaf or mute? Who gives them sight or makes them blind? Is it not I, the LORD? Now go; I will help you speak and will teach you what to say.’” </span></b></div>
<b><br /></b> <b>Okay, so here I am reopening my blog writing again and you might be asking yourself why. Well let me tell you my story, yet again. The Big C came into my life on a black horse carrying with it fear and uncertainty. That was January 25th, 2017 when I got the official diagnosis. Now in all of my research, I learned that the C cells were awakened seven to ten years earlier when they were as small as a dust mote and no possible sign of them being seen even with the finest equipment in the 21st century!</b><br />
<b><br /></b> <b>I’m not going to rehash the entire story, you can read it here with this<a href="https://jonismuse.blogspot.com/2017/01/cancer.html" target="_blank"> link</a> and all of 2017 if you wish but fast-forwarding to 2019, after I was told I was stage 4, that the C cells had metastasized, meaning they spread to my bones, my liver and I have no clue where else. Doctors are funny that way, they tell you snippets of what THEY want in little increments of fear, so you stress and worry yourself, literally to death. But I have something no doctor has and that is FAITH in the Lord my God!</b><br />
<b><br /></b> <b>Yes, I know some doctors have faith but I can assure you, they think they are doing God’s work for Him. Maybe they are and maybe they are not, that is not for me to judge. They are NOT the God I listen to. In my heart and my soul, no doctor’s fear penetrates me so much that I override what the Lord tells me and says for me to do.</b><br />
<b><br /></b> <b>Around the time of my femur break, I was placed on (OC) Oral Chemo. That is not the same as chemotherapy, being hooked to a machine pumping poison into your system. This poison targets the estrogen positive cells going crazy in my body and attacks the little wanderers in other places.</b><br />
<b><br /></b> <b>My markers were extremely high and the doctor really didn’t feel like this OC was going to work but after a month in the hospital, the pills, often not taken on a regular basis until I got home from the hospital, were showing signs of working. The oncologist who visited me in the hospital for the ten days that I was there kept pushing for me to do the port IV Chemo which I AM firmly against. I know it, God knows it, the doctors know it! But Dr. Biscuit, a colleague of my current Onc., was astounded that the little time I was on the OC, my tumor was shrinking and the markers were sliding DOWN the sliding board at record speed!</b><br />
<b><br /></b> <b>Markers are blood cell counts. White, red, and C cells. They tell the doctor what is going on inside the body. Dr. Biscuit didn’t want to agree with me that my strict diet adherence is what made my body accept the OC so well when thousands of women across the country were falling sick with vomiting, skin problems, diarrhea, and other side effects. I was an exemplary guinea pig if you will.</b><br />
<b><br /></b> <b>Miracle after miracle, my markers, month after month was going down. August-September they were at an all-time high of 2711 dropping to 350 by November. What my doctor <span style="color: #990000;"><i>failed</i></span> to tell me was that December and January there was a slight increase in my C cells, not my White and Red ones, so I guess it didn’t draw concern at that time.</b><br />
<b><br /></b> <b>During those months I thought I was home free. My current oncologist told me to eat what I wanted to get my weight up and like a fool,<span style="color: #990000;"> I LISTENED</span> to the doctor! As I sit here in February all the junk food, meat, dairy, carbs all toxins I hadn’t had for almost two years were in my body doing a little dance, unbeknownst to me, with my cells! I weigh the same that I weighed when I entered the hospital back in September. So the doctor was wrong in telling me to eat what I want.</b><br />
<b><br /></b> <b>I was told to stop my supplements back in September but was allowed my Vitamins A, B12, C, D3, and E. I stopped all supplementation except two that I felt were essential, Green Tea/Curcumin, turmeric/black pepper. The doctor on many occasions <span style="color: #990000;">LAUGHED</span> at me and made fun of my supplementation. I let it roll off my back because I took jabs at his bald head, so touché.</b><br />
<b><br /></b> <b>Also in these months, I’ve been attending Physical Therapy to regain the mobility that I lost when my femur popped out of my leg. Yeah, it was not a simple break, it was a total disaster and they really didn’t think I’d walk again after repairing the damage, but again, miraculously, I PROVED THEM WRONG! I’m walking with a walker and often with just my cane! </b><br />
<b><br /></b> <b>The other day was my oncologist visit. It was the first time they’d seen me NOT in a wheelchair. The one assistant squealed like a little girl in amazement! </b><br />
<b><br /></b> <b>“JONI! What’s this? You’re walking!” Squeals of delight and smiles from the other nurses as I passed and little murmurs of “Way to go!” could be heard as I was led into the docs office. Even the doctor smiled and said, “You’re looking good!”</b><br />
<b><br /></b> <b>In the room, the talk began, the banter if you will. Him making fun of me and me listening to his rhetoric on chemotherapy and how people die without it. <span class="" style="color: #990000;">THIS</span> is when he mentioned my C cells rising. The OC had done its job and can do no more. This is also the time, six months later, that he tells me the OC was only supposed to work for three months. Here I was five-six months out, still looking good for a stage 4 patient. My white and red were ‘plateauing’ as he put it, an evening out.</b><br />
<b><br /></b> <b>I got home from the visit sad, not my peppy self when the phone rang as we walked in the door...</b><br />
<b><br /></b> <b>“The doctor needs to see you again. Your markers are up.” PA says to me. I said a Wednesday visit would be okay. </b><br />
<b><br /></b> <b>I broke. The tears that had been stored up for a few months all unleashed when the floodgates opened. I had been doing so good, I’ve been soaring, walking, healing, feeling great and <span style="color: #990000;">BAM!</span> Slap me in the face kind doctor! </b><br />
<b><br /></b> <b>I was angry. For the first time in my spiritual life, I was angry at God! I lost two children and didn’t feel the anger that swelled up inside of me at that very moment. I was not as well as I was led to BELIEVE I was. </b><br />
<b><br /></b> <b>“WHY,” I cried, “why is all of this happening again. I just wanted a break, a reprieve from the stress of healing! I thought I was. I was being misled down a path?” The tears filled the trashcan to overflowing with Kleenex.</b><br />
<b><br /></b> <b>That night I did what I always do, I prayed. I apologized first and asked what He’d have me do. No answer. In the morning on Thursday, I prayed as I always do and talked with Him. I had said in jest that if it snows on Wednesday (or snow inhibiting my visit) then my answer was to just say no, to chemo! I looked at the weather and while snow was forecasted for Friday and Saturday, three to four inches, it was sunny and clouds all next week. A deep sigh left me still praying and wondering. What was I to do?</b><br />
<b><br /></b> <b>I was told by the docs office to not take any more pills and they called the pharmaceutical place and stopped delivery of further shipments. Great, I’m dangling out here, alone. HA! The jokes on them! <span style="color: #990000;">I AM NEVER ALONE!</span> I have an Almighty God! An intense faith in my spiritual life! It surpasses anything in this physical realm! I know my friends think I’m crazy, surely the doctor does too, but I have an AMAZING Healer in God! I cannot and will not lose my faith!</b><br />
<b><br /></b> <b>I woke Friday morning feeling eerily good. Two days in a row of PT wore me down, the doc visit shredded me to pieces and here I was Friday morning, snow blanketing the fields, and I’m feeling pretty good. Wednesday I tossed the drugs in the trash and resumed right then and there my supplementation. No more meat, back to the strict protocol that OBVIOUSLY worked FOR me and not against me!</b><br />
<b><br /></b> <b>On to reading my morning devotional emails. I was going to read ‘Verse of the Day’ first but I inadvertently hit Encouragement for the Day. In it was a story of a woman who had in-vitro fertilization and was told by her doctors that these last four embryos were ‘inferior’. In his YEARS of study, knowledge, and experience told these hope-filled parents that inferior embryos don’t ‘hatch’, so to speak.</b><br />
<b><br /></b> <b>She was on the sonogram table listening to THREE HEARTBEATS! From the email: “As I lay on that table, looking at the glowing screen, those three fluttering heartbeats told me what a doctor had labeled “inferior” was exactly the kind of thing God uses to accomplish His will.</b><br />
<b>Our doctor briskly entered the room, breathless and looking perplexed. “I really don’t know how this happened!” He exclaimed.”</b><br />
<b><br /></b> <b>What message was I, little Joni, getting from this? Let’s look at the accompanying scripture and you’ll see/read for yourself.</b><br />
<b><br /></b> <b><span style="color: red; font-size: large;">TRUTH FOR TODAY: Deuteronomy 31:6, “Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid or terrified because of <i>them</i>, for the LORD your God goes with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you.” (NIV)</span></b><br />
<b><span style="color: red; font-size: large;"><br /></span></b> <b><span style="color: red; font-size: large;">Exodus 4:12, “Now go! I will help you speak, and I will teach you what to say.” (NCV)</span></b><br />
<b><br /></b> <b>I closed down my writing because I thought I was done, I could move on. As you see...God is not done with me yet! A look at next weeks weather? A 70% chance of snow on Tuesday. </b><br />
<b><br /></b>
<br />
<div style="text-align: center;">
<b><span style="color: blue;">All praise and Glory to a Wonderful and Amazing God! </span></b><br />
<b><span style="color: blue;"><br /></span></b>
<b><span style="color: blue;">Just in case you were wondering, this was the other message received today. Our God is an AWESOME God! <a href="https://www.intouch.org/read/magazine/daily-devotions/th-believers-valley-experiences?utm_source=In+Touch+Ministries&utm_campaign=2593b28a05-RSS_EMAIL_CAMPAIGN&utm_medium=email&utm_term=0_6f8407989c-2593b28a05-89865621" target="_blank">From Charles Stanley: In Touch</a></span></b><br />
<b>Pss 23:1-6</b></div>
<br /><div class="blogger-post-footer">One woman, One Voice among a thousand whispers</div>jonihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03401569094090026684noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-13925627.post-79484656634420885892019-02-14T06:40:00.001-06:002019-02-14T06:40:45.093-06:00Happy Valentine's Day: Another Year<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjgJe1iRGPMddckUTawk4JUkZ92ppfLd6mNpeVSCVleXodE9iS-0U0L1f-sEXC6RPp3dBYaJ_TnOpxSK6VHnnsOmy03GsioSsJcayGBD33dfByFt9ch1YBiZOcdGogmPOztgfVD/s1600/100_2092.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><b><img border="0" data-original-height="1600" data-original-width="1200" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjgJe1iRGPMddckUTawk4JUkZ92ppfLd6mNpeVSCVleXodE9iS-0U0L1f-sEXC6RPp3dBYaJ_TnOpxSK6VHnnsOmy03GsioSsJcayGBD33dfByFt9ch1YBiZOcdGogmPOztgfVD/s320/100_2092.JPG" width="240" /></b></a></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<b>Pss. 116:1 "I love the LORD, because he hath heard my voice and my supplications."</b></div>
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<b><br /></b></div>
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<b><i><span style="color: red; font-size: large;">Another Year...</span></i></b></div>
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<b><i><span style="color: red; font-size: large;"><br /></span></i></b></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<b><i><span style="color: red; font-size: large;">It was here and then gone</span></i></b></div>
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<b><i><span style="color: red; font-size: large;">the year that was then wasn't</span></i></b></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<b><i><span style="color: red; font-size: large;">We started off on a slippery slope</span></i></b></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<b><i><span style="color: red; font-size: large;">the days of does and doesn't.</span></i></b></div>
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<b><i><span style="color: red; font-size: large;"><br /></span></i></b></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<b><i><span style="color: red; font-size: large;">I try to make some sense of it all</span></i></b></div>
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<b><i><span style="color: red; font-size: large;">but memories mesh together</span></i></b></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<b><i><span style="color: red; font-size: large;">A sunny day here, a rainy one there</span></i></b></div>
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<b><i><span style="color: red; font-size: large;">all measured by crazy weather.</span></i></b></div>
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<b><i><span style="color: red; font-size: large;"><br /></span></i></b></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<b><i><span style="color: red; font-size: large;">Then there are days filled with pain</span></i></b></div>
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<b><i><span style="color: red; font-size: large;">coughs, sniffles, and sneezes </span></i></b></div>
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<b><i><span style="color: red; font-size: large;">your hand in mine, memory blind</span></i></b></div>
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<b><i><span style="color: red; font-size: large;">a warm soft hug appeases.</span></i></b></div>
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<b><i><span style="color: red; font-size: large;"><br /></span></i></b></div>
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<b><i><span style="color: red; font-size: large;">We've made it through some blizzards</span></i></b></div>
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<b><i><span style="color: red; font-size: large;">together all seemed so easy </span></i></b></div>
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<b><i><span style="color: red; font-size: large;">fierce lightning storms and raging winds</span></i></b></div>
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<b><i><span style="color: red; font-size: large;">with love, it passed as just breezy.</span></i></b></div>
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<b><i><span style="color: red; font-size: large;"><br /></span></i></b></div>
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<b><i><span style="color: red; font-size: large;">Here we stand once again</span></i></b></div>
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<b><i><span style="color: red; font-size: large;">confusion trying to take hold</span></i></b></div>
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<b><i><span style="color: red; font-size: large;">but we're too strong to let it win</span></i></b></div>
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<b><i><span style="color: red; font-size: large;">Our souls should stand so bold! </span></i></b></div>
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<b><i><span style="color: red; font-size: large;"><br /></span></i></b></div>
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<b><i><span style="color: red; font-size: large;">This Valentine's day remember</span></i></b></div>
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<b><i><span style="color: red; font-size: large;">as all the ones in the past</span></i></b></div>
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<b><i><span style="color: red; font-size: large;">The year might soar in a whirlwind</span></i></b></div>
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<b><i><span style="color: red; font-size: large;">but it's our enduring love that lasts! </span></i></b></div>
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<b><i><span style="color: red; font-size: large;"><br /></span></i></b></div>
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<b><i><span style="color: red; font-size: large;">To my honey! </span></i></b></div>
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<b><i><span style="color: red; font-size: large;"><br /></span></i></b></div>
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<b><i><span style="color: red; font-size: large;">HAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY!</span></i></b></div>
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<div class="blogger-post-footer">One woman, One Voice among a thousand whispers</div>jonihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03401569094090026684noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-13925627.post-8840242539993982332019-01-19T09:57:00.000-06:002019-01-19T10:05:28.668-06:00Closing Up Shop...Soon!<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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<b><span style="color: red;">Gen 2: 2 “And on the seventh day God ended his work which he had made; and he rested on the seventh day from all his work which he had made.”</span></b></div>
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<b>Some of you might or might not care but I am closing up my blog for a while. I have given you ample time to read my story, learn from all I’ve shown you and time to benefit from my hard work and research. I have not fiddled around once, I’ve given you my heart, my soul, and my truth. It’s time for me to rest, but not really rest.</b><br />
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<b>Some will say for me to leave my blog open so others can learn from it, but honestly, if you’re not from my inner circle, you can read it when my story hits the bookshelves. If you’re from my inner circle then you should be fully aware of my story, my stance, and my advice. As for total strangers reading and gleaning from my words? They’ve had their chance and five to ten hits a day doesn’t warrant an open blog.</b><br />
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<b>My Spiritually Family knows who they are! Daily or occasionally my link will slink up their newsfeed and they’ll click and read or roll and scroll. I’m okay with that because I am at peace with the timeframe of all that has happened, from diagnosis, to fracture, to healing to HOME. When all is said and done, it’s time to write and put together my story! I have nothing against self-publishing but I’d like to go a different route if possible. I don’t know, we’ll have to see where God leads me. And no, I'm not in a hurry, I'm going where God leads, not where man or the old selfish me wants to take me.</b><br />
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<b>God’s not done with me by a longshot. He now wants <i><span style="color: purple;">me</span></i> to focus on <i><span style="color: purple;">me</span></i>; my writing, querying, my publication. As a writer you know the rules, my work cannot be anywhere on the net. Even as an unseen personal blog my works, my words, my strategy, and my end game are already out here for the world to see, as such, it is considered published work. And yes, I’ve done my homework on that too, it cannot be already published and I am willing to give publisher's publishing rights to my work.</b><br />
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<b>If you’re reading this now, know, you are my family, my friends, my supporters and followers who have watched me grow in writing and in life. Now I am going out into the fields of life to see what is out there waiting for me to blossom. Wish me Godspeed because I am once again, following where He is leading.</b><br />
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<b>I will NOT cease to exist out here, I am going to become a somewhat reclusive writer who peeks out and checks on everyone from afar. You’re my inspiration, so I need to see what motivates you and keeps you going. My writing friends will KNOW where to find me, where this honing of my writing skill all began! </b><br />
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<b>My Spiritual Friends will spot a post or two from me on Facebook. I’m not going anywhere I’m just letting you know which way my writing is heading. If nothing pans out and I give up the ‘old let's get published’ game, I’ll let you know, but I think one thing you have all learned from me is, Joni never gives up!!! </b><br />
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<b>I wish I could thank you all by name but I can’t because each and every one of you hold a special place in my heart and life. If you click like on this post, </b><b>I thank you, you’re the real people that keep me motivated every single day. If you like a post on my progress, you’re my growing Spiritual Family who really does care how I am doing. If you don’t like this post and a month down the line you wonder where my blog is, I’ll pray for you, you need more light in your life, I’ll pray! If you post a comment then delete it thinking I didn’t see it, I saw it, and now wonder. I pray for you. God was out here performing a miracle and you missed the beauty of it all.</b><br />
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<b>Maybe I’ll be inclined to start a NEW blog… a new adventure, whatever the case may be I’ll still be around, alive and the woman you’ve all grown to love. May you all find the truth I’ve shown you. God is alive and still in the business of seeing miracles through. May you all learn to understand HIS time and not selfishly of your own time. Patience <span style="color: purple;">IS</span> a virtue. I’m living proof that the diagnosis of cancer is NOT a death sentence! Trust, faith, and patience! </b><br />
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<b>God Bless you and me on the journey of a lifetime! </b></div>
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<b><span style="color: purple; font-size: large;">Angel Always... Godspeed! </span></b></div>
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<div class="blogger-post-footer">One woman, One Voice among a thousand whispers</div>jonihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03401569094090026684noreply@blogger.com5tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-13925627.post-29749589306908517762019-01-14T07:24:00.000-06:002019-01-14T07:24:27.364-06:00What Healing Looks Like<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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<b><span style="color: red;"><span style="text-align: left;">John 12:35 “Then Jesus said unto them, Yet a little while is the light with you. Walk while ye have the light, lest darkness </span>come<span style="text-align: left;"> upon you: for </span>he<span style="text-align: left;"> that walketh in darkness knoweth not whither he goeth.”</span></span></b></div>
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<b><span style="text-align: left;"><span style="color: purple;">God's Healing Touch</span></span></b></div>
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<b><span style="text-align: left;"><span style="color: purple;">What Healing Looks Like</span></span></b></div>
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<b>Often times when people are in the throes of pain and suffering they can’t grasp what the finished product of healing looks like. I remember the day of dire diagnosis when everyone around me wore grim and sad faces, reaching out in sorrow to offer their hand of comfort and prayer during a trying time. I made it perfectly clear from the beginning I was not accepting the diagnosis as the death sentence everyone sees at the announcement of a Big C diagnosis. At this point in my journey, you could walk with me holding my hand or perhaps stand face-to-face in a guiding manner, or behind me drifting with the dust of the earth, your choice.</b></div>
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<b>I saw the diagnosis quite differently and I think my stance took people by surprise, understandably so; I saw it as healing. Yes, you read it right, healing. When I took my daily walks, my mantra that I repeated out loud was, I am HEALED, I am Healthy, I am WELL! When I announced my mantra on Facebook my friends were kind of stunned, “You’re healed, really?” Their voices came through in words, clear, bold and loud.</b></div>
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<b>“Yes, I believe I AM,” was my response very soon after my diagnosis of that dastardly death sentence announcement.</b></div>
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<b><span style="color: red;">Pss.121:1-2 “I will lift up my eyes to the mountains; from where shall my help come? My help comes from the LORD, who made heaven and earth”</span></b></div>
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<b>Some people were so aghast that they stepped back and away from me, either thinking I lost my mind or I was in deep denial. To me, they looked like little beacons of light drifting off, holding candles as they slowly floated away from me, off into the night sky. Whatever the case may be, dear friends became people I thought were friends and no longer offered prayer or support in any way. As a few folks stepped away from my inner circle, others entered, droves of people fanned in from out of nowhere, stood up and rained support on me. Not only on Facebook, where my Spiritual family dwells, but my physical family and friends I knew were all in PRAYER for me. They offered the loving prayers in their weekly prayer box at their churches, announcing vocally that they needed prayer for ME, or silently in their inner prayer circle whispered my name asking for healing. Little old me was being healed by prayers!</b></div>
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<b>I understand that not everyone believes in God and I’m okay with that. I do have friends who stayed by me that offered peace and light, and that is a positive I fully accept as a blessing. My healing is not about religion, it is more about FAITH and my faith grew ten sizes in a day through prayer and blessings, in return, I prayed for those souls who backed away from me; they needed my prayer. </b></div>
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<b><span style="color: red;">Pss. 103:20 “Bless the LORD, ye his angels, that excel in strength, that do his commandments, hearkening unto the voice of his word.”</span></b></div>
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<b>I’m wondering if I came off as arrogant in my stance on healing besides people seeing me as if I was in denial. My first step in my healing journey was to stop worrying about what other people thought! Yeah, that’s a tough one for us all, but if it's healing you seek, cleanse yourself of naysayers right up front.</b></div>
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<b>Healing is not about reading the bible more (though it can’t hurt), it’s not about knowing more scripture than the next person, it’s certainly not about dissecting the Word, word for word, and I can say it is truly not about claiming to know God more than someone else. We all own our own faith and beliefs, what you discern from your faith is where the true touch of healing resides. Although your actions are weighed, there is no amount of acts that can inch you closer than the next person to His embrace.</b></div>
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<b><span style="color: red;">1 Sam. 2:3 “Talk no more so exceeding proudly; let not arrogancy come out of your mouth: for the LORD is a God of knowledge, and by him actions are weighed.”</span></b></div>
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<b>Healing is found by touching base with God within you. Healing is not going to be found outside in the corrupt conventional world. Medical doctor’s are <i>aids</i> in healing, not the means. God is the greatest healing physician in our lives. For some reason, we’ve been conditioned to accept and trust that outside of God, we believers can find healing. Funny how that works isn’t it? </b></div>
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<b><span style="color: red;">Pss. 121:2 “My help cometh from the LORD, which made heaven and earth.”</span></b></div>
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<b>What does healing look like? How do I explain the explosive beauty of healing? Well, for one, you need to dig deep within the core of your being. WITHIN means not outside in a physical manner, DEEP within, in a spiritual manner; God, prayer, meditation etc., whatever the spiritual means to YOU. In that core realm is where God resides and is waiting for you to acknowledge Him and put your faith and trust in Him. That is when we find, touch and SEE the actual healing take place.</b></div>
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<b><span style="color: red;">Pss. 121:5 “The LORD is thy keeper: the LORD is thy shade upon thy right hand.”</span></b></div>
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<b>How do we see within all that we are? You must be humbled by your illness, your trials, and tribulation. You might as well toss pride and dignity in the heap, also. This is not the time to panic or seek outside help. This is the time the prayerful meditative mind can touch, breathe, and be one with the part of God in you that needs to be reached. This might be the hardest part of healing, listening to God, not yourself.</b></div>
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<b>I’ve always seen myself as a vain woman and that was a hindrance I could not release in my healing journey until I was forced to face the intense flaming fires of pain and hell, head on...</b></div>
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<b>I was walking along proudly boasting that I was healed, healthy and well. I stuck my fingers in the breast of my jacket, proudly strutted my protocol, spoke to all about my alternative ways. I was sharing physically and vocally my success of this route that God placed me on. Only when I FREED my pride and dignity, I felt, touched, breathed my true healing. Yes, friends, with the aids of medical science! Go figure! The very science that God used in creation, He was now using to implement my full recovery. My faith, when falling into God’s hands, is what saved me.</b></div>
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<b><span style="color: red;">Prov. 16: 18 “Pride goes before destruction, a haughty spirit before a fall.”</span></b></div>
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<b>My vanity, pride, and dignity all got swallowed by a black hole in an instant. When my femur burst out of my leg, in the depths of torments rage, I gave my all to Christ. It was at the very moment as I’m sitting on the side of the bed, pantyless and just a t-shirt that EMT’s had to come and pry me out of the room. Not just one or two, there were about four or five men and two women. They were either tending the gurney, the truck or me, bare and broken.</b></div>
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<b><span style="color: red;">Pss. 121:8 “The LORD shall preserve thy going out and thy coming in from this time forth, and even for evermore.”</span></b></div>
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<b>I went blank, got lost in the swirling darkness that surrounded me with a couple of stars and gems in the night sky keeping my focus. I then woke to the reality of my healing on October Fifth, the anniversary of the day that Steven’s dad was released from this earth and went home; also the day that I was released from my torment and went HOME. In the midst of my affliction all of my pride, vanity and dignity were sucked up into a tornadoes vortex, to leave me, humbly picking up the pieces of mirrored glass I called me.</b></div>
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<b>This is when God’s finger reached out and touched me. When I came before Him as Eve, sinful and bare, and begged for mercy. Instead of a soft touch, He embraced me, wrapped his ever loving arms around me shielding me and healed me with the warmth of His love.</b></div>
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<b><span style="color: red;">Isa. 6:7 “And he laid it upon my mouth, and said, Lo, this hath touched thy lips; and thine iniquity is taken away, and thy sin purged.”</span></b></div>
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<b><span style="color: red;">John 19:35 “And he that saw it bare record, and his record is true: and he knoweth that he saith true, that ye might believe.”</span></b></div>
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<b><span style="color: red;">Acts 15:8 “And God, which knoweth the hearts, bare them witness, giving them the Holy Ghost, even as he did unto us;”</span></b></div>
<div class="blogger-post-footer">One woman, One Voice among a thousand whispers</div>jonihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03401569094090026684noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-13925627.post-26078626078144791082019-01-13T09:01:00.001-06:002019-01-13T09:01:57.431-06:00Poetry Sunday: God's Healing Touch<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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<b><span style="color: red;">Pss. 45:1 “My heart is inditing a good matter: I speak of the things which I have made touching the king: my tongue is the pen of a ready writer.”</span></b></div>
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<b>Shimmering reflections of pain I feel </b></div>
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<b>Lost in fragments I needed to heal</b></div>
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<b>A mending touch if truth be known</b></div>
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<b>Is in His fingers pressing stone.</b></div>
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<b>By chance, my aches towered then crashed</b></div>
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<b>A mighty sword by flames were dashed</b></div>
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<b>Slicing through with torments rage</b></div>
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<b>Remnants bound in an open cage.</b></div>
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<b>Not being confined by a limited view</b></div>
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<b>My heart beheld all that was true</b></div>
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<b>The night sky opened gems bedazzled</b></div>
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<b>Made whole of me the frail and frazzled.</b></div>
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<b>Armed with faith my body to restore</b></div>
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<b>The strength therein the open door</b></div>
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<b>No longer doomed by fate I’m driven</b></div>
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<b>With all the tools that God has given.</b></div>
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<b>I was blinded by mortal shame</b></div>
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<b>And only had myself to blame </b></div>
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<b>Shaving off my arrogant pride</b></div>
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<b>Unearthed the healing deep inside.</b></div>
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<b>Once I freed confined vanity</b></div>
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<b>Not veiled behind bent sanity</b></div>
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<b>I relieved myself of the crutch</b></div>
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<b>Bare I found God’s healing touch.</b></div>
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<b><span style="color: red;">Job 37:23 “Touching the Almighty, we cannot find him out: he is excellent in power, and in judgment, and in plenty of justice: he will not afflict.”</span></b></div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjijjUE5TLsEGgohMhCWTJBKI21YG-zbze1atby-fD8YcrSF33FvXWD07R_PAH2itu6ZpNhz-Jk5KDsmUW6SGiW53cs9C08ihv4C9vk9x5TReddbMqwNg9_17q3IX5S3Cnu-JtY/s1600/flowers+005.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1200" data-original-width="1600" height="240" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjijjUE5TLsEGgohMhCWTJBKI21YG-zbze1atby-fD8YcrSF33FvXWD07R_PAH2itu6ZpNhz-Jk5KDsmUW6SGiW53cs9C08ihv4C9vk9x5TReddbMqwNg9_17q3IX5S3Cnu-JtY/s320/flowers+005.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
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<div class="blogger-post-footer">One woman, One Voice among a thousand whispers</div>jonihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03401569094090026684noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-13925627.post-82076182620099798882019-01-11T10:19:00.000-06:002019-01-11T10:19:43.123-06:00Better Days: Powering Through<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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<span style="color: red;"><b>H</b><b>ebrews 6:19 “Which hope we have as an anchor of the soul, both sure and stedfast, and which entereth into that within the veil;” </b></span></div>
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<b>As I power through my story, I see some as a hard read and a lot is a hard write but I power through to give you the meat of the story as rich in detail as I vividly remember.</b><br />
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<b>It has been four years since I found a lump in my breast, two years since diagnosis, and one year that the cosmos sucked away from me and I’m trying to piece the last year together to make sense of it all. If it’s a hard read for you, imagine living through it and cleaning up the mess you find.</b><br />
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<b>I think I want to put my husband on a pedestal for a bit. When you marry and say words like ‘in sickness and in health’, you are not ever thinking that the day would arrive and you’d have to pull up your britches and show what you’re made of. Many times its the woman who comes through for the husband and quite often there are times when the husband has to stand up, be a man and take care of his wife in ways he’d never imagine.</b><br />
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<b>When my husband went blind in 2009 I was hit with responsibilities I never knew before. I had to become his eyes. I was always the homemaker but he was the breadwinner and he was shot down as he became a disabled person, dependent on the money he put into the system. Dependent on me, in hopes I would stand by my man. We sailed through that storm and came out in calming seas as he had a cornea transplant and part of his sight was restored. Smooth sailing afterward, right? Wrong. </b><br />
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<b>Not long after his sight was restored, he lost his one eye because it was beyond repair. The system made us wait two years for the coverage of the operation and by that time it was too late. </b><br />
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<b>That is when my health started to fail. Not recognizing aches and pains for what they were, we just strolled along twenty-twelve and thirteen. Not without a bunch of doctor visits, mind you, until the dastardly lump made its appearance in twenty-fifteen and it was as if we were standing on top of a mountain being forced to slide all the way to the rocky bottom.</b><br />
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<b>Twenty-fifteen was a year of loss. I lost three family members, one being my dad and my hubby lost an uncle. My medical needs would have to wait. When I finally had a chance to face the music, the diagnosis was grim. The doctor’s made sure fear would win this battle and that my God was not more powerful than they were. They LAUGHED at my faith. By twenty-eighteen I had the chance to at least smile in THEIR faces showing them that my God IS more powerful than they are! God and I are winning the battle.</b><br />
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<b>My husband would step up to the plate and take on the nursing and caregiving. His mind wobbled from having the task of putting our beloved dog to sleep then BAM, I get worse and too much was tossed on his shoulders. I prayed. I had friends and family praying, not only for me but for him and my son who had to take on caring for their now disabled wife and mother.</b><br />
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<b>In his panic, he would wash, dry and fold clothes, rearrange drawers, vacuum, and steam clean floors. He would do any and everything to occupy his mind as he dealt with this new routine he was forced into. Like I said, no one thinks that those words ‘in sickness and in health’ would slap them upside the head full force and hold them accountable, but rest assured, it will happen, often times in a quiet day! </b><br />
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<b>I was home from rehab, he would now readjust and hope beyond hope he was up to the task. While his mom wanted to help her baby and shoulder some of the burdens, he knew this was something that he’d have to do alone. A meal here and there from mom but the rest, lay at his feet wrinkled and unable to be folded. </b><br />
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<b>Weeks would pass and he struggled to remember the water or the grocery list, or place the claw close to me, or my walker or wheelchair within reach; sure he’d forget one or two things but would remember so much more. He was fighting this like a boxing champ in the fifteenth round, he was tired and worn, but would come out winning with a total KO!</b><br />
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<b>Many men will say ‘I’d do it for my wife’ and many women will say ‘I’d do it for my husband’ but in truth, none of us know what we’re made of until something tragic happens and you have no choice but to stand up and fulfill that vow you took.</b><br />
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<b>The past six months have taken their toll on us but as man and wife, circumstance has made us stronger as a couple. Every day that passes he sees in me the caretaker and homemaker he married, and even more so I see the husband I had every bit of faith in when I uttered the words sickness and health. </b><br />
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<b><span style="color: purple;">May this be the year we both get to dance with health, we deserve to dance!</span> </b></div>
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<span style="color: red;"><b>Pss. 149:</b><b>3 "Let them praise his name in the dance: let them sing praises unto him with the timbrel and harp."</b></span></div>
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<div class="blogger-post-footer">One woman, One Voice among a thousand whispers</div>jonihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03401569094090026684noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-13925627.post-55150587579046422222019-01-10T11:16:00.000-06:002019-01-10T11:16:07.803-06:00Good and Bad Days: We All Have Them<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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<b><span style="color: red;">Matt. 13:48 (KJV) “Which, when it was full, they drew to shore, and sat down, and gathered the good into vessels, but cast the bad away.”</span></b></div>
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<b>Good days and bad days: we all have them</b></div>
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<b>I’m sure we all have our good days and bad days; we know they’re bad when things go wrong and we see them as good when everything falls into place like a row of dominoes. While yes, I admittedly suffer from PTSD, I myself see more good days than bad and to me, they are all positive steps toward my healing. </b><br />
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<b><span style="color: red;">Jer. 29:11 (NIV) “For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.”</span></b></div>
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<b>As home slowly becomes more familiar to me, I feel the healing in the core of my being. The first few weeks though, of being home, felt like an unending carousel ride. That very first Monday I was Mrs. Popular in that everyone wanted a piece of me. I had calls from the home health nurse, the physical therapist, my oncologist office and the Cancer Center’s radiation office. Emails were sounding in from my mother in law wanting to come see me, sister in law auntie and uncle, everyone wanted a piece of this broken woman and how do I tell them all to just SHUT UP in a polite manner? </b><br />
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<b>My first Monday morning was an assertion day, I was going to take hold of my surroundings, my activities, and my appointments. I was not going to be TOLD to come here, or do this or do that, I would tell <span style="color: purple;">THEM</span> what I was willing to do! I was going to take back what I lost!</b><br />
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<b>First up, the home health nurse, Mandy, the woman I had only met on that day I was exiting in an ambulance, yes, she could come. Physical therapist, yes she was allowed. The oncologist? I’ll see you sometime next week. The radiation nurse, I asked if it could be put off for a week as I regained my bearings now that I was home. They were fine with that, setting me up the following week for my two (week) five-day sessions. Ten treatments in all to the healing left femur.</b><br />
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<b>The emails were more targeted to my husband than me because it hurt to type on my laptop. I didn’t have a bend and stretch out mobility, I had a stiff-as-a-board-lay-there-and-be- good, semblance. Computer stuff would have to wait for a spell. I’d send out a 'hey' to friends and let them know I was still alive and as I knew they would be, they were more than understanding and just happy to know I was home. </b><br />
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<b>Monday was going along smoothly except for me missing my husband who had to go to work with worry on his mind trying to remember if I was set up well enough to be alone. Since we fibbed a little to get me home, I assured him I would be fine, and I was. As scary as the surroundings were, I was HOME and that was good enough for me! </b><br />
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<b>Now keep in mind, I had not bathed in twenty days. A wipe-down at the hospital but not a thing at the nursing home! Not a wipe, not a rag, nothing! I even used my own kleenex when I had to do my business. So when my mother-in-law wanted to bring his uncle to the house because he’d be ‘in town’, I had to say no way! I was not up to ‘visitors’, I needed to HEAL. I needed time! It all felt so rushed and the kaleidoscope began with its pretty colors and I was getting dizzy.</b><br />
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<b>She said she understood but could her friend from church bring out food? I think she mentioned cookies or something. I told hubby to gently say, NEXT WEEK! Dang. I loved that everyone was so concerned, but I felt like the people who just lost a family member and friends would clamor to come over and bring food at the most inopportune time. Not to be rude but please send love, condolences and give them some space and time. Not a month, just breathing room. Please, don't turn this into how you lost someone and loved those people doing that for you. I appreciated EVERY bit of stirring also. I was suffocating and I needed to <span style="color: purple;">BREATHE</span>! </b><br />
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<b>All appointments set, I slept. I slept and slept some more. Now it was time to move onto healing. The home health nurse brought me a hair-washing cap. You place it on your head, rub your fingers intensely and voila, your hair is water-free washed. It worked marvelously! She supplied an ample amount of body-wipes, and hubby he produced a bucket of water and a rag where I felt refreshing water on my face for the first time in twenty some days! Moving right along. </b><br />
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<b>I did have the nurse in tears, not bawling because they need to maintain distance and composure in their job, but her eyes were brimming at the sad painful story I’d tell. I had to get it off my chest so each person, professional or family, my story spilled into their ears and leaked from their eyes. They were shocked, then amazed at the strength I carried. I made it perfectly clear it surely was not me, it was God that they saw IN me! </b><br />
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<b>My healing was nothing short of astonishing to all who were witness to me. The radiation nurses saw me go from gurney to wheelchair within a week. From assisting me onto the slab to minimal help to no help needed at all. This was happening in a ten day period of time! </b><br />
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<b>My oncologist even showed signs of wonderment at my speedy recovery time. Not only my Oral Chemo and blood cell count healing time but my physical mobility healing time. All were displaying awe and wonder and were quite vocal in letting me know that this was nothing short of amazing. Doctor’s will not touch the ‘miracle’ label, but here I was, in their face, a living breathing healing miracle!</b><br />
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<b>So as I have good days and bad days, it is all a part of the intricate veins of healing. People sometimes think healing happens in the blink of an eye but they need to know and understand how to appreciate the time and effort that goes into producing a work of wonder. Noah’s Ark wasn’t built in a day, the great Pyramids didn’t appear out of thin air and Jesus Himself took nine months to make a physical show. One step at a time is truly meant to be one breath at a time, and it is never our time, it is always His time. </b><br />
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<b><span style="color: red;">All praise and Glory to God! AMEN! </span></b></div>
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<b><span style="color: red;">Ecc. 3:11 (NIV) “He has made everything beautiful in its time. He has also set eternity in the human heart; <span style="font-size: large;">yet no one can fathom what God has done from beginning to end</span>.”</span></b></div>
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<div class="blogger-post-footer">One woman, One Voice among a thousand whispers</div>jonihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03401569094090026684noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-13925627.post-91603540017558816252019-01-09T09:40:00.001-06:002019-01-09T09:40:17.307-06:00Settling In...PTSD<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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<span style="color: red;"><b>1 Sam. 10:26 "And Saul also went home to Gibeah; and there went with him a band of men, whose hearts God had touched."</b></span></div>
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<span style="color: red;"><b><br /></b></span></div>
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<b><span style="color: purple;">Settling in...PTSD</span></b></div>
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<b>Settling into my home was not as easy a task as you’d imagine. Happy-go-lucky Joni was a shell of a being. The nurses had noticed in the hospital and nursing home, and they didn’t even know me, the physical therapists saw it, and my family just assumed I was sad. No, the trauma I had experienced was a little more than depression or sadness, it had all the earmarks of <a href="https://www.nimh.nih.gov/health/topics/post-traumatic-stress-disorder-ptsd/index.shtml" target="_blank">PTSD</a>.</b><br />
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<b><a href="https://www.nimh.nih.gov/health/topics/post-traumatic-stress-disorder-ptsd/index.shtml" target="_blank">Post Traumatic Stress Disorder</a> is not a light analogy of depression or sadness, it is a severe trauma that is triggered ever so lightly by sounds, pictures, faces, or names. It is a fear so intense that not even the Light of God Himself standing beside you can wash away, it is THAT severe. People who don’t have PTSD will never comprehend the magnitude of pain a person suffers through.</b><br />
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<b>Last year is almost a complete blank to me, except for the trauma. Have you ever opened an MS page and saw a blank screen staring you straight in the eye and you felt a trembling panic for a few seconds not knowing what you were there to write? Every morning I open my eyes a blank page lay before me; what I put on that page shapes my day physically, mentally, emotionally and spiritually. What people say or do become triggers like a bullet waiting to be tapped and released from the barrel, words can shoot a person down. Without even knowing the triggers, friends, and family set off a ticking time bomb inside the psyche of a person suffering from PTSD. Anger, fear, frustration, guilt, and shame all become an open floodgate in the way of tears streaming down my face at any given time. At home, the doctor's office, the physical therapist office, or even in the food store, tears unleash without warning.</b><br />
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<b>When my home health nurse noticed my PTSD along with my physical therapist, I was put in touch right away with a counselor. While I liked Dee, she was more about telling me her story than hearing mine. It was fine because that is the kind of front I put up, I’ll help you, you can’t help me; it’s an unbreakable barrier. I basically thanked her for listening and sent her on her way as I cringed inside. I was broken.</b><br />
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<b>I could see the pieces of myself scattered on the floor. I wanted ever so much to take a whisk broom and scoop the particles onto a dustpan and toss them in the trash but I was immobile, disabled. There was no scooping going on any time soon. I would sit in the silence of the house, meditate in the quiet of aloneness, and pray to the only God I know and worship. Only He could get me through this, in time. HIS TIME, not my time. Here we go again.</b><br />
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<b>Settling into my new surroundings would have me fearful of nightfall. Sounds would ricochet off the walls while shadows would pirouette. You would think that home was familiar surroundings but to me, I felt as if I was an orphan dumped off to this house with a family I didn’t recognize.</b><br />
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<b>As the fragments of my life lie on the floor, images of last year shine like a mirror swaying in the sun, blinding me as I see good and bad portions flailing about. This trauma was not a phase I was going to laugh my way out of as if nothing bothers me. Each step I take would be like tiptoeing in a minefield, a trigger to tears or to laughter, to pain or to joy. I don’t have a choice in the matter, I just tread lightly and make every day a new day, every step a step toward healing.</b><br />
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<b>God's time is not my time as I stroll along the healing path. I’ll endure the steps I needed to take to get me to the healing sea where I will eventually take a luxury dip and swim like a fish in open waters. Right now I’m still in an saltwater aquarium awaiting release in the open sea. God tells me ‘patience’, ‘faith’, and most of all ‘TRUST’, and in Him is where I’ll find my healing. The Joni I remember is still there in the windowed world… it's just going to take some patience, faith, and trust to find her again.</b><br />
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<b><span style="color: red;">Lam.3:23 "They are new every morning: great is thy faithfulness."</span></b></div>
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<div class="blogger-post-footer">One woman, One Voice among a thousand whispers</div>jonihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03401569094090026684noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-13925627.post-55210723644406354752019-01-07T10:05:00.000-06:002019-01-07T10:05:12.867-06:00My Journey: I'm Home<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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<b><span style="color: red;">Prov. 7:19 "For the goodman is not at home, he is gone a long journey:"</span></b></div>
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<b>“My faith is made stronger through trials, my strength more powerful through prayer.” ~ Joni</b><br />
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<b>My journey continues: I'm home...</b></div>
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<b style="text-align: center;">Friday, October 5th, we pulled up to the house. Being wheeled into the house, everything looked different, everything felt different, and to me, everything WAS different. My eyes kept darting to the left then to the right, I looked at things I had not seen for twenty-one days. The rooms either grew bigger because I wasn’t squished in a corner or shrunk smaller, ornaments were misplaced or moved, furniture rearranged or still the same, my dog Sassy was missing, as well as my son and I anxiously wasn’t sure what to make of my homecoming.</b><br />
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<b>I’m home. I repeated those words in an eerie fashion, not much unlike Dorothy clicking her heels and repeating, ‘there’s no place like home’, mine was shortened but meant the same thing, I was HOME! In the safety of my husband's care. In the comfort of all I knew. In surroundings that were familiar. Home, the place where my heart was most secure.</b><br />
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<b>Home to me took on new meaning. It meant no more trappings, no more nurses, no more poking and prodding, home meant to rest, for me anyway. To my husband, home for me meant he was strained with unfathomable responsibilities, new routines, new duties, more pressure, new to him caregiving. We both had major adjustments to get used to. Our wedding vow of ‘in sickness’ was now slapping us upside the head forcing us to embrace this segment.</b><br />
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<b>He asked if I was ready to go into the bedroom but right at that moment, I just wanted to be placed in front of the window and stare out, repeating ever so lightly, I’m home, over and over again. No squirrels or birds to greet me, just an open cornfield that by the time I returned home was already harvested. I missed harvesting season, my highlight of country living. I call the squirrels and birds my animals and as I looked out the window, I could see my animals had not been tended to while I was away. This would soon change, just add another thing to the honey-do list mounting. This list would grow over the weeks as I was being cared for and lessen in the months, as I would heal with time and I could fend for myself. That day was still too far away to grasp.</b><br />
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<b>My husband had asked if I wanted my computer but my mind was blank, still struggling with the fact that I was in new surroundings. While I missed my friends immensely and knew that they awaited word from ME, not my son saying I’m okay. They would have to wait three more days for me to make an appearance on Facebook to announce, “You can count me down but never count me out!” </b><br />
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<b>Everything in its time. It took time to adjust to home living again. It took time to acquaint myself with what it felt like being alone. It took time to understand that I was dependent on other people for my well being. Yes, God handled the majority of my spiritual care and for that, I’m grateful beyond measure but getting used to being home was a task for my family and me in and of itself. </b><br />
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<b>By the time nightfall came, fear was creeping in like a fog looming over me and holding me entombed in its presence. I held tightly to the blankets as I pulled them closer to my chin, tears were rolling down my cheek, and I began praying for a peaceful night sleep and for God to watch over me because this was a mind-numbing scary first night home. </b><br />
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<b>Steven would sit quietly at his computer tapping ever so lightly on the keys knowing I was safely in his care. I would listen to the new sounds surrounding me and map out the next days' task. As my eyes scanned the shadows on the wall, my mantra seeped from my lips, again and again, I’m home, I’m home. Now the journey of healing would begin to take hold.</b><br />
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<b><span style="color: red;">Mark 5:19 "Howbeit Jesus suffered him not, but saith unto him, Go home to thy friends, and tell them how great things the Lord hath done for thee, and hath had compassion on thee."</span></b></div>
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<div class="blogger-post-footer">One woman, One Voice among a thousand whispers</div>jonihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03401569094090026684noreply@blogger.com2