Pss. 91: 11 For he shall give his angels charge over thee,
to keep thee in all thy ways.
To whom it may concern (or not) I am emotionally drained at
this time and am in prayer for forgiveness, for understanding and for strength
in fighting the enemy that sees me down and thinks this is the best time to
attack. Just like him isn’t it? To kick me when I’m down?
You may say, “What’s wrong with her now?” Allow me to tell
you.
Back in 1982 I found myself, a young teenager, pregnant. Two
years prior I became a born-again Christian, so this pregnancy didn’t bode well
with my Catholic family and me. My dad asked me what I wanted to do and without
hesitation I said, keep my baby!
Talk about feeling unworthy! But by the grace of God I was
saved and my pending due date was set for December 12th of that
year. By November of that year God had a different plan for my life and it was
clearly evident to me.
On the cold Thanksgiving Day, November 28th of
1982, I ate my meal and was feeling pretty sick with pains I assumed was gas. I
was a child and knew nothing of what I was to feel, I thought the baby was
moving around kicking me with no room to move with all that food I had put in
my stomach.
The next day I arose, not feeling right. God and I had been
talking, as we always did, and he was telling me it was time. Still young in my
faith, I didn’t know how to interpret the meaning but I knew I had to go see
the doctor because the baby had stopped moving.
I arrived at the doctors and my worst fear was realized, no
heartbeat meant my baby had quietly fell asleep. I was sent to the hospital
where they had ultrasound equipment to verify what I had known and felt. My
baby was no more.
The father of the baby and my mother both went to the
hospital with me and we all received the news, the baby was dead, gone, not
meant to be. I was told I would have to allow my body ‘to reject the fetus’;
those cold heartless words ring in my ear to this day! I would carry a lifeless
being inside my body. I had to face my family and had to be strong or this
would be the life of me.
Now keep in mind that my four brothers all hated the idea of
me keeping the baby and had told me over and over again how I should’ve just
killed ‘it’. My sister had her own issues with me keeping the baby. Only my
mother, father and boyfriend had accepted my CHOICE in keeping my baby!
At 3:17 am on December 2, I gave birth to a son; a son who
would never look me in the eyes. A son who would lay on that cold slab, never
to let out his first cry. A son who made an angelic appearance at entry into
the world by lighting the room to where even the doctor and nurse were
mystified. Christopher Alexander was STILL born!
Pss. 148: 2 Praise ye him, all his angels: praise ye him,
all his hosts.
I didn’t hold him, I didn’t do what now in hindsight I
wished I had done and left the hospital later that day to recover at home.
Mortified and empty I felt alone.
Everyone had assumed I would hate God for this and at my
follow up appointment with the heartless doctor, he asked me how I was holding
up emotionally.
“Well” I said, “devastated, empty, lonely, heartbroken.
Every emotion you can imagine.”
He began jotting down stuff. “Are you angry at God for
this?”
“NO!” I exclaimed point blank. “God took my son because He
needed him. He is giving him more than I could ever imagine.”
He jotted more. In later years when I had finally got my
medical records through unlikely resources, I saw that the doctor had jotted
down ‘patient is unattached’, ‘shows no emotion’!
I wanted to sue the man’s pants off but again, I was a
child; I knew nothing but I did understand forgiveness. I had to forgive this
creepy, heartless, unfeeling doctor if I was ever to move on in life.
Every year it gets easier, but this year the memories hit
hard because Thanksgiving fell on the 28th. The flood of emotions
were overwhelming to the point not one person in my world can understand, and I
don’t want you to just to spare you the pain.
I’ve grown a lot in these 31 years; I still speak to the Lord,
I hear him in everything I do and carry Him wherever I go. Maybe now you can
understand my indebtedness to my Savior and why I am such a faithful servant.
For by grace was I saved and He has never ONCE let me down.
I may fall in the pit sometimes but the enemy won’t sway me while I’m down
there, I carry a LIGHT within never to darken.
Matt. 4: 11 Then the devil leaveth him, and, behold,
angels came and ministered unto him.
