Wednesday, June 20, 2018

Winding Down... A Grand Finale

“The one who gets wisdom loves life; the one who cherishes understanding will soon prosper.” Proverbs 19:8 (NIV)

This might be one of those 'must read' posts as I wind down my blog. I've gone on hiatus many times over the years but this one is timely and essential as I need to continue healing. 

It all began back in 2005 when I started this blog, the posts didn't really feel right so I deleted the lame posts from 2005 and 2007. Then in 2008, it took off and I started getting followers and meeting other bloggers, some whom I am still friends with to this day on Facebook. It was a writing blog. A writer helping fellow writers follow their dreams as I too followed my dream of becoming a writer all the while sharing my love of God. 

Some liked that I spoke of God and I'm sure some were turned away by it, but those who liked it became my friends on Facebook, getting to know me on a more personal level. I don't remember the year the transition happened, the blog name went from One Voice, Write Right to Joni's Muse: The Poet Within. I know the transition happened at a time I was being called on every typo, misspelling and faux pas of my writing posts so I no longer felt like a reliable writing source to my fellow writers. It was no big deal, I'm a writer and we need to take criticism but sometimes, people are not gentle in their critique and even unintentionally downright hurt you!

I turned my writing muse to God and all that He's done for me. I didn't strive for grammar perfection, I just wanted to share my life story and all that I've learned over the years. No one could critique my story because it was/IS mine! My life, MY wounds, MY scars that I was sharing! People liked reading my story because I had an edge of reality, a blunt truth that not many people are willing to go into the depths of their soul and share. I shared over the years parts of my past that some would have rather kept buried but I brought it to light. I needed healing in my writing and releasing all the past wounds really helped me to find an inner peace. 

My blood family has no interest in my story. It is not their story but when I'm gone and they look over the truth, I'm sure they'll sit in shock that my story of the dysfunctional life I LIVED, is out there for the world to see. Not that the world reads my blog but many will reread all that they missed. While they [family] are back east living the life of caged emotions I am moving on and healing, not giving their lost love a second thought.

Then something happened in 2017 on the road to discovery, an illness to beat all illnesses wrapped around my body and carried me to a cave where I needed reflection and time to think just what all of this meant. I lost quite a few of what I thought were dear friends because I'm not a conventional gal by any means and they are smothered in conventional life, treatment, diagnosis, and illnesses. They live and breathe conventional where I breathe freely the air of truth that I'm given. I may be on my own with a few dear friends, my spiritual family, that have stayed with me and encourage and believe in the path I've chosen because they know, it wasn't MY choice it was the path that God chose for me. Who is anyone to judge another person's path? Whether right or wrong, it is their path, no one else's.

While I hurt over the abandonment, I see that maybe the ones who left were not really true friends and I've become okay with that. I've been alone most of my life anyway (yes with God by my side) and I'm used to not being the accepted one. Shoot, I didn't get bullied because I was Miss Popular! Then there is this year, the year of uncertainty. I'm healing, I'm moving on but from the outside world I sense fear and doubt that I can't handle on a daily basis. I don't feel many people understand what having an extra sense has caused me throughout my lifetime. People laugh and scoff in disbelief and I'm okay with that too. My own sister used to call it, 'that thing' that Joni has. She knew the extra sense existed but was never sure what to call 'that thing' that I have.

With the advent of change -- via Facebook (snooze, unfollow, and many more) options, Blogspot with their not sending my comments to my email and the ad thing from the European Union? along with not allowing 'followers' anymore, and my hits going from the 50-70 range down to the 10-20 range; everything is changing and I need to change right along with the times, it is calling me to change. 

We're also coming to a dim period of having to put my fourteen-year-old dog to sleep. It's a difficult decision for any family and this will surely keep me in my room crying for a spell. Change is coming on a personal level and a worldwide level whether anyone wants to believe it or not. I'm done listening to people who say memes annoy but then post their own. I'm tired of people not knowing a typo from a grammar mistake. I'm tired of everyone finding fault with everyone else but won't look in the mirror at their own faults. I'm also pained by watching a world silently killing themselves on drugs and toxic eating without a care to LIFE and living and making excuses for why they are the way they are.

I won't be alone. I have a strong faith and belief in God and we'll walk together on this journey and wherever we wind up will be by His grace and His alone. Just know, I AM healing and the journey IS moving right along as God has planned. I may continue to post poetry and pics, but my sharing days are done. I need me time for a bit. You all have the grace of God carrying you and may you all pace yourself where an inner healing takes place.  I pray my work for God was well received and that one person, because of my words, was changed in some way. I love you all!

Angel Always...Godspeed, my friends

Psalm 61:2-3, “From the ends of the earth, I cry to you for help when my heart is overwhelmed. Lead me to the towering rock of safety, for you are my safe refuge, a fortress where my enemies cannot reach me.” (NLT)

The Branch

I crawl out on the lonely branch, 
that can't sustain my weight. 
I try to creep so still in thought, 
reflecting on my fate. 

Up on top this tree so tall, 
I find a quiet place. 
Still are sounds that whistle through, 
the leaves a patient pace. 

What is this that breaks my thought, 
I’m not alone anymore? 
The presence is surrounding me; 
it haunts my very core. 

No longer alone, my thirst is quenched, 
my essence fed by might. 
Surrounded by the stillness of, 
the Radiant Branch of Light.

Tuesday, June 19, 2018

Attention Deficit

Prov. 20:27 "The spirit of man is the candle of the LORD, searching all the inward parts of the belly."

Attention Deficit

I was sitting here this morning thinking, and like a dam bursting open my thoughts steered toward the attention span of human beings. It seems these days, this era is an attention deficit era where everyone is so wrapped up in themselves they can only see off in the distance. If someone were drowning, they'd have to let them and just watch the struggle from afar because of the distance between the two.

Basically, the only relationships that stay alive are the daily face-to-face ones because eventually everyone bores of any empathetic behavior unless it's going to benefit them. An email the other morning exclaimed, America's Loneliness Epidemic; how should we respond? I wasn't surprised at what the solutions were and being a Christian email I, a Christian knew where they were going to go with their line of thinking. 

With the rise of the 'me generation' loneliness is inevitable because everyone is focused on the 'me' of the equation and not the 'them'. From the email by Michael E. Stallard, Crosswalk:  "...loneliness triggers a host of negative effects, including a decline in physical and emotional health, greater incivility and violence, and a rise in addiction and suicide."

While the email went on with solutions, solutions I thought were pretty good but just one-sided and Bible Christian based. We don't live in a society of believers so I don't think any of these suggestions would rest well with a person contemplating suicide or a person so lonely they isolate themselves from the daily rush of traffic of ignorant negative people; being alone is a safer option.

It's very easy for me to say just trust in Jesus, but to a non-believer that might not go over well. It might be easy to say build lasting relationships with people who earnestly care but honestly, they are hard to find in an emotional deficit world of the 'me' generation. While the churches are catering to the generation by making their programs more alive and active with life, there is a depressed generation that is not turning to the church for moral support.

I totally get where these folk are coming from. The church sometimes is a big letdown. It shouldn't be that way but it is a fact to the people who need more than the church can give. The church that is supposed to 'accept all' winds up shunning the very people they need to reach. I personally think the church could benefit these lost souls if they helped anonymously. All of the programs I see where I live come with a nametag of "brought to you by the--name of the church". The lost and lonely want no part of the church so they miss out on the extension of help. Why does the church need to be seen as the one giving assistance/aid/love/compassion?

I know you'll say that God is the only way and spew all the scripture pointing to "no one enters but through me" scripture, I know, I get it! But the lost souls, the suicidal, the ones who NEED help don't understand at that point. They're lost, they're lonely and all we're worried about is having them know the bible? In time maybe spring the Word on them but right off the bat? They need compassion, an ear, a friend, not someone who is only there because Jesus called them to be there to spring the Word on them. Yes, they need to hear the Word but initially, they just need to be HEARD.

Community support groups, community activities brought to you anonymously by the church could reach the people without a nametag, reach them by not boasting of 'we helped you', reach them by opening a door of communication with the very society that has let them down. Lead them in a way that they should go. There ARE ways to help but again, the attention deficit society can only focus on the prize, not the race.

There has to be a starting point. Communities need to be willing to accept the church's help anonymously, the church needs to be willing to help anonymously, we the people need to be FOR the people in every sense of the word.

Non-coincidentally I stumbled upon one of my followers' blog posts this morning: 
I was already writing my post so when I was led to this one, it made me see I'm not alone in my thinking. He was writing basically the same line of thought as I was writing. It is so mysterious the way that God collectively links the Christian minds to universal thought processes. 

I believe Christians can aid the lost and the lonely. I believe showing people love, compassion, caring and understanding can all be attributed to our Christian faith without a bible-thumping mentality of connecting to the lost. People need to be listened to, they need to feel as if they matter. Tied up in the 'me' generation are people seeking help and not finding it because as I said, everyone is so wrapped up in their own thing, giving time to another person who might be on the brink is too much of an effort and cuts into your precious time of caring for YOU.

Yes, I understand that everybody has a life and their own struggles to deal with on a regular basis but is it too hard to reach out to someone who has seemingly become distant all of a sudden? Not asking the question of 'are you okay' leaves the window of help closed as you back off because you don't think they want to talk about something. Usually taking time to think can cost someone his or her life. 

You might be wondering how I know about this; I'll tell you I know because I've been there on the suicidal end and no one reached out. I know what loneliness feels like and I know that the blanket of inner struggle one deals with when no one is around to lift even one finger or an ear of compassion. And yes, Christians let people down more than you ever know. 

Why are so many kids on drugs for attention deficit disorder? Why are kids deprived of attention? I'll tell you why but you're not going to like what I say. Parents neglect children because they NEED an outlet too and in finding their 'outlet' the child gets left behind. We're not raising kids in a two-parent household. We're tossing kids in pre-school at an earlier and earlier age and sending them off to school to allow teachers to bear the burden of raising the children of the 'me generation'. We put kids on the ADD drugs (which by the way have the same suicidal side effects that you hear about from the drugs/medication YOU take) thinking the drug will help but the kid grows, can't afford to keep up the 'meds' and more times than not, the suicidal tendencies of the drug kick in while no one is looking.

While you were worried about you, someone died that you couldn't say, 'Hi' to or 'how are you' in a meaningful banter of words. I'm tired of talking about me and my disease, I'll live or die but somewhere out in the world as I'm writing this, someone is taking their life because YOU were too busy worrying about YOU. 

I reach out through words but slowly my words are not enough, the extent of my reach is not far enough, I'm alone in trying to convey a message that people are tired of hearing. Why are they tired of hearing it? Because they are busy with other things. 

Prov. 25:27 "It is not good to eat much honey: so for men to search their own glory is not glory."

Eccl. 1:13 "And I gave my heart to seek and search out by wisdom concerning all things that are done under heaven: this sore travail hath God given to the sons of man to be exercised therewith."

Monday, June 18, 2018

A Work Of Art

God's Painting

Luke 3:22 "And the Holy Ghost descended in a bodily shape like a dove upon him, and a voice came from heaven, which said, Thou art my beloved Son; in thee I am well pleased."

A Work of Art

I'm going to go out on a limb here and call myself a work of art. As a matter of fact, each and every one of us is a masterpiece in our own right. When we were created, we were not painted by the kindergarten class with our non-toxic paints and fat paintbrushes. We were crafted by a Master artist with the finest paints and brushes and we, each and every one of us, were painted by an artist better than Michelangelo!

You see, when we were forming in the womb, God had a plan for his piece of art. It took him nine months to create the perfection He saw in us. He didn't just blink us into existence like a genie, no He masterfully created each and every brushstroke of our life and when we were born, He already saw the finished fulfilled work of art in its completion to the end, hanging in the Sistine Chapel

He looked at us and it was good! He knew every brushstroke our life would take. He knew the perfections and imperfections because He saw us up close and personal, not from the marble floor below. No, your mother, father and everyone else saw you from below the art. They gazed at you and saw a tiny infant seemingly perfect. As you grew, people saw you and studied you as a piece of art and came to a conclusion of what they perceived. But to God, you were still a masterful work of art in progress. 

If you say that God makes no mistakes, you'd be correct in your assumption. The imperfections I referred to was our free will. You see Adam and Eve were made perfect! A completely perfect work of art finished and drying in the sun. Free will was the last brushstroke in giving us a chance to assist with the painting. The reason we're not the creating artists is that we botch the job. Our free will leads us to the imperfections of our life, all of which God saw in advance when creating you but he is not in control of our free will.

I knew as I got to this point in my life I had done a bang-up job of this masterpiece. I didn't handle the brush with the gentleness and care of the Master artist. Not that I turned Michelangelo's work into a Picasso but I think sometimes I turned it into an Andy Warhol meaningless jumble of paint. But I digress, I'm still in the planning stages so the brush hasn't been whisked out of my hand yet. God sees a Van Gogh in me; a little loose around the edges but awaiting perfection.

I now see this illness as a chance to complete what was a little messed up. My mind, my body, my soul all are taking a little tender care of the flamboyant brush strokes that I let onto the canvas; I'm no intense chapel in the making, and definitely not in Vatican City. These illnesses I'm being faced with are all a part of the whimsical flinging of the paint onto a blank canvas, I'm now in the process of making some sense out of what I want this painting to be. I want people to look at me as a work of art, not perfect but worth looking at for hours on end trying to sum up a conclusion of what they see and are going to walk away with.

Each day I wake, after thanking the Lord for another day to open my eyes and gaze at the canvas, I stare in awe of what has the potential to be a worthy piece of artwork! My writing, my healing, my poetry, my muse all are forming an exquisite piece of artwork ready to be hung in a gallery among the greatest artists who ever lived. 

I'm not standing here and proudly boasting of a swelled ego, I am an artist sharing with you my vision of just where this completed work will stand in the end. The gates of heaven have the potential to be open for me and the gallery of brilliant colors of a reflected prism are at my fingertips. I am a light-bearer, I am a shepherd, I am not here to tell you where you've gone wrong, I'm here to tell you what went right. You were born! You were created by a Masterful artist that saw all of your potentials and now it is time for you to take control of the brush and complete the painting that was begun when you were born.

We've all made mistakes! And if you're over the half-century mark, you are now in the final stages of completing your masterpiece. Are you going to finish up by botching up the canvas? Or are you going to make the necessary changes that need to take place to see you too entering the gates of heaven, or do you even care and are just happily strolling along in life not caring where this journey ends? My friends, take care of the work of art that is you. God did all the hard work and now He hands you the brush to take care of the finished product that will hang on the walls of Heavens gallery someday.

May the blessings of the Lord our God be with you today and always!

Saturday, June 16, 2018

The Fear Factor

1 Sam. 17:34 "And David said unto Saul, Thy servant kept his father's sheep, and there came a lion, and a bear, and took a lamb out of the flock:"

I realize there is something inside me that helps me overcome so many hurdles; I have the strength of a lion and the gentleness of a lamb. When you come face to face with a lion ( a rare event for sure), I'm sure you're instilled with fear. The fear factor is something that rules everyone, even though they don't know it has washed over them or that the feeling has saturated their souls.

Let me ask, when you're faced with a diagnosis from a doctor, you know that tingling you get in your heartbeat where it feels as though it has stopped but you know it didn't because you're still alive, as you feel the rapid rhythm pulsating in your chest? Your brow breaks out in beads of sweat, your palms become clammy as you wait for a prognosis; that there is fear, fear of the worst-case scenario. 

I don't think anyone goes into the doctors' office with the faith that all is well. You walk in out of fear. Most people don't even go to the doctor because of fear but by the time you've made it to his doorstep, you're carrying fear in there with you. Why? Because you know full well you haven't taken care of yourself. You know deep down the neglectful years are finally going to catch up with you.

When I finally went to the doctor because of 'a lump', I instinctively knew what was going to be said. I had done all of the google searches that aimed me in the 'most likely not' direction, but the final diagnosis became 'the worst case scenario'. Fear drove me home that day, fear tried to wake up with me the next day but the little lamb in me came and nestled in my heart as a comforting blanket of wool in a much needed time of cold despair.

I remember a few years ago when we visited an animal sanctuary and I came face to face with a lion! I actually stood in a cage of tigers and was allowed to pet one. Can you say that you've ever done THAT in your life? No, not many people can. The lion was big and fierce but he was wounded and neglected, that is why he was in the sanctuary, to save his life from years of neglect. Rory was finally getting the help he needed in the saviors at the animal sanctuary. As we came eye to eye, neither of us feared; we were both sizing one another up but as I went to pet him he let me know why he was the king of the forest with a loud roar and a snap at my finger. At that time he urinated on me in a spray and our uncle giggled and said, "That'll happen when they want to mark you." I wasn't laughing but I did find it cool to later that day go back and tell my friends that a lion had 'delivered me', I mean, peed on me. 

1 Sam. 17:37 "David said moreover, The LORD that delivered me out of the paw of the lion, and out of the paw of the bear, he will deliver me out of the hand of this Philistine. And Saul said unto David, Go, and the LORD be with thee."

When I was diagnosed with the Big C, I feared the doctors more than I did the lion! I feared the diagnosis, the treatment and the finality of the prognosis. I let the fear factor go home with me but I didn't let it pee on me and ruin my life. When the gavel came down later that week with the verified results, I didn't fear the doctor, I feared the treatment and the lack of willingness for us both to work on a positive outcome of what they had just sprayed me with. I didn't get to go home and be joyful to tell all my friends how I overcome the spraying of the venom that the doctors unleashed, instead I came home and told my friends of the fear I saw in the eyes of my loved ones as I said I wasn't going the conventional route.

This is when I realized I would need every bit of strength in going forward.  I needed to see past the fear factor. I knew I would need to look the lion of fear in the eye and let it know that I am a victim too, I am not a weak victim and my Savior is not a sanctuary for saving cats but a sanctuary of love for saving human beings; the Lamb would rise up to save me. I believe this with every fiber of my being. He knows it, I know it, I just wish the surrounding onlookers knew what it took to get me from point A to point B!

As many of you may have feared your dad as a child; the impending belt, switch, the hand of discipline, you feared. Many unknowingly carry the fear of accepting an Almighty Savior, feeling a little insecure in giving Him 100% total trust.  My dad wasn't the disciplinarian in my family, so I had no fear of accepting my Father in Heaven's discipline or guidance. I never had any trouble getting flushed by His spray of undeniable, unconditional love. He has marked me and surely is saving me from my own self. As I relinquish the fear factor and move forward with unwavering faith in a snail's pace enjoying the brilliant view, painstakingly hating the climb but cherishing the time I spend with my Father as the day draws near where we will be walking hand in hand on the shorelines of Heaven.  There won't be two sets of footprints because I will be beside Him, basking in all of his love and glory. As I miss my earthly father who now resides in heaven I am ever grateful to my Heavenly Father for sending out a boat, filled with life preservers and saturating my soul when I need Him most.

It is a glorious Father's Day! Happy Father's Day, Abba! 

Pss. 57:4 "My soul is among lions: and I lie even among them that are set on fire, even the sons of men, whose teeth are spears and arrows, and their tongue a sharp sword."

Tuesday, June 12, 2018

I'm Alive

James 5:16 (ESV) “Therefore, confess your sins to one another and pray for one another, that you may be healed. The prayer of a righteous person has great power as it is working.” 

I’m Alive

Everyone draws concern when I'm away from the social media platform for a week. I imagine they all think the worst and have me dead in the still of the night. But I digress they all might just wonder whatever happened to me as my daily postings come to a halt. I love you all immensely!

I wish I was well enough to bring you great news, but no, I’m down and don’t want to bring others down with me. It’s hard visiting the social media world and see everyone happily moving along, portraying the perfect life while I’m out here miserable. And I know, they all have imperfect lives also they just like portraying the facade. I just could never do that in all honesty. I like dripping truth onto the page and sweeping up the mess as I move along.

I’m now housebound for the summer. I was housebound for the extensive, extremely frozen over winter and now that we've jumped right into summer with a day or two of a spring feel to it, I'm housebound again. I'm grumpy and not liking anything these days so I figure if I stay away from my friends and the social media, I can try and mend without hurting anyone with my snide lashings.

My inability to walk came to a complete standstill last week when I had finished mowing. I used to walk with a limp but now I can't even make it down a pair of stairs, and before you start telling me to see a doctor, that's easier said than done. If you're willing to come and shower and clothe me and place me in the vehicle and take me to the doctor, (if you can find a wheelchair when you get there) then attending a doctors office is not in the picture any time soon. Yeah, it's gotten that bad in just a week. 

My writing has come to a standstill, my walking to a halt, my mowing at a deadlock, my showering when I can, my joy on hiatus. I now write in Yahoo notepad since my MS Word is malfunctioning. My walking, what little I can do, is done with a cane in hand, my mowing is now my husband's fun. My joy? Well, that's taking its sweet old time in resurfacing as the enemy thinks its time to hit me full force!

I thought my riding lawn mower was going to be my welcomed joy this summer, heat or no heat, I would be out and enjoying SOMETHING in the world, but no, it just wasn't meant to be for me. Last week when I got off the mower my legs nearly crumbled. I came in the house to sit down and sitting felt like I had just sat on an ice pick and no one could remove the steel point hitting the nerve in my back. I was in pain worse than I had been in a few weeks ago when I didn't want to visit family but I did. I could not lie down (still can't), I could barely sit, cooking was out of the question so I just sat, and cried, a good long sobbing cry. The uneven land out here and every jostle the mower took, so did my already damaged back. 

I've rested this week staring out the window at the squirrels, bunnies, and birds. We've had pretty intense heat in the upper nineties so peeking my head out the door even became an unbearable task. This is not the kind of heat that arthritic people can endure. I'm here and I'm alive. I don't have my peppy optimism and inspirational spring in my step; negativity from the outside world seeps in whether aimed at me or not, so avoiding the social world helps. I just can't bear to see people happily enjoying the very thing that will kill me in the foods they eat and post happily because well, it's not killing them, yet. YET!

I do like seeing people happy and changing the very way they view their obesity. To overcome weight problems is a chore and one that deserves high-fives and demands hugs! I hope in some way that my testimony of healthy eating has impacted many peoples lives so that they WANT to live and not just live meal to unhealthy meal. Death is final! No, we're not going to take our bodies with us afterward but I feel what we ARE taking is our negative unhealthy thoughts. They don't just go, poof, because we die, they shape our very soul in the here and the hereafter.

If we remain positive, feed on health and nutrition, maybe, just maybe when we face the Lord, we can share the joy we had living with him, our Father who wants nothing but the BEST for us! Forgiveness isn't about doing wrong and treating your bodies bad all your life then when you get to heaven say, "Oh, by the way, forgive me for not cherishing the very sacredness of what you created in me." You knew all along your body is a sacred temple but spitting in the Lord's face is easier than self-control, I get it.

I'm alive. Even though I don't have much to do in a day, I pray, hours on end. It seems like everything has been taken away from me and all I have to do is pray. So if you don't see me for a spell, know that I'm out here, alive. If anything drastic happens to me, I've asked my husband or son to inform you so you will never be left not knowing what happened to Joni. To stay positive, I need to stay away from the negative, please understand that. I need to reclaim the joy that lies out in the dry fields buried. I will be back. You need patience as much as I. My love to you, my friends!

All praise and Glory to God! 

Ephesians 5:11-13, “Have nothing to do with the fruitless deeds of darkness, but rather expose them. It is shameful even to mention what the disobedient do in secret. But everything exposed by the light becomes visible — and everything that is illuminated becomes a light.” (NIV)

Friday, June 01, 2018

One More Thing: The Trio

Philippians 2:14-16 (NIV) “Do everything without grumbling or arguing, so that you may become blameless and pure, ‘children of God without fault in a warped and crooked generation.’ Then you will shine among them like stars in the sky as you hold firmly to the word of life.”

I wanted to share just one more thing before you all move along with your summer activities and get too busy to check up on lil old me. I feel like my most recent posts have been me 'grumbling' about my pain when really I wanted to share with you the reality of my day to day life in the best way possible.

Phil. 2:14-16 (KJV) Do all things without murmurings and disputings: That ye may be blameless and harmless, the sons of God, without rebuke, in the midst of a crooked and perverse nation, among whom ye shine as lights in the world; Holding forth the word of life; that I may rejoice in the day of Christ, that I have not run in vain, neither laboured in vain.

The KJVersion of Phil. 2 doesn't say, 'grumblings or arguing' but grumblings is what I feel I've been doing and maybe that shouldn't be so. How can I shine a light of Christ from my soul if all you read is the grumblings of my back pain? There is a light in here and the only reason I share my murmurings are so that you do not get the picture that self-healing is all hunky-dory. It's hard work AND it is pain-filled! THAT is the reality of the situation that I took upon myself and in the end, I will blame no one for my decision but me and by then there will be no purpose in the blame game.

You know the reason for my choice in this route and that is point blank, I don't believe in drugs. I am a RECOVERED drug addict (another self-healing route at a very young age) and the thought of drugs and the process of the tiny pill that is destroying a population to this day scares me to bits! I believe and always have, that God created healing tools here on earth. When He created us, He placed all around us the true nature of healing whether it is physical, mental, or psychological; the earth holds an abundance of healing tools without the necessary means of a laboratory of synthetic drugs to 'miraculously' HEAL you. It just doesn't work that way, in my mind, anyway.

I know what my tumor looked and felt like when I was first diagnosed. After reading and researching I found information that a biopsy (the test that I was FORCED to undergo along with a mammogram and CT scan) were all links to the spreading of this disease. I did not have any idea of this because I ASSUMED that the doctors actually knew what they were doing and that THEY were right; I wrongly trusted them. 

Over the year I watched as the tumor changed shape and color and things were happening that were enough to scare the pants off of me but I held fast to the belief that 'GOD'S GOT THIS' and I settled into accepting things were going to take time. Not MY time but with HIS time. I knew that the biopsy was the damaging test that set all of this in motion. MANY of the women who I've met online in a BC support group have ALL said the same thing, except their outcome, was slightly worse than mine and for that, I'm truly grateful mine wasn't worse.

A lot of these women are not even in their thirties yet. Some are pregnant or have just given birth but all are adamant in treating this illness on their own, of course, against their doctor's wishes. They don't want to be slaughtered cows either and through the same avenues as me, diet and supplements, we are all in this self-healing together! And HEALING is what we are!

Through my grumblings you might not pick up on parts of my healing that I need to share with you, nor do you understand the method of my healing that is taking place but rest assured, I am healing! I don't boast of my hours of prayer and meditation. I don't tell you about the foods I ingest or my long year and a half journey of finding my place in this new world I have in front of me.

The trio: cancer, psoriasis, and arthritis. I've had psoriasis for about forty years (on and off), arthritis I'd say about six years since diagnosis of my lower lumbar joint arthritis, then there is cancer, the cells have been in there all of my life, awakened about eight or nine years ago and only felt and seen in 2015, diagnosed a little over a year ago on diagnosis day 1-25-17. 

The signs:
Cancer:  I saw no signs of cancer except for the lump I felt in 2015. The year my aunt, uncle and, dad died and the year I got married. What a year, huh? That is the very reason I didn't tell my husband of my lump. I had to wait for medical insurance to go through because don't believe what they tell you when they say FREE CANCER SCREENING- mammograms in the month of October. Maybe in YOUR state but this backwoods stuck in the 1800's state of mine, there were no free mammograms, and yes, I looked! I waited for my insurance to go through and I started the doctor visits and the swift cancer diagnosis came without even ONE test, then she put me through THREE tests to verify her assumption. I feel there was an easier route to diagnosing without the threat of spreading my disease, but who am I, just a little woman going up against the 'Big Bad know it all Doctors'.

Psoriasis: Physically visible my skin was as scaly as a fish! I had dry patches on my elbows and knees, my ears, and my back. This is a chronic illness that kept me in jeans and long sleeves for most of my life. There were times that it healed (so I know the signs of the healing) but over the years it has gotten worse. 

Arthritis: This did not surface until the year of the trips to Omaha took place. The too numerous-to-count, to me four-hour trips, that left my back in pain that I'd never known before. It cost me my ability to walk right. While the trips gained my husband his eyesight back, it cost me the ability to walk. I went to an NP (nurse practitioner) who had an office in a little town and she sent me for an x-ray and it was verified I had lower-lumbar-facet-joint-arthritis; an illness the current P.A. (physicians assistant) could not find as a feasible illness. (Shrug me off) But I know different because I am in this broken body. And if truth be told, just because other people have taken trips to Omaha in two-and-a-half hours and can walk, undermines my truth in the reason I can't walk. (Try driving in high winds, two and three times a week to Omaha! Eight-hour round trips.)
{whatever will be will be}

You have the trio, the proof that they exist, and now you need to know the truth that they are healing! I don't know if you've seen the movie, 'What About Bob', if so, you will understand the term baby-steps. I know for a fact that God is in the business of miracles, and I know people who have experienced them (my husband for one, his sight restored) and I know people who think He just blinks them into existence. Let me ask you this, did the miracle of Christ's birth blink into existence? Was it easy for Mary and Joseph? Was the miracle of Christ's death blinked into existence? Was carrying the cross an easy task? You need to seriously read and understand the Bible before you can understand what I say about my healing and it not just 'blinking into existence'. 

Let me first say I trusted God from the very beginning of this diagnosis. I trusted what He was saying and where He was leading. With that, I bring my baby-steps to healing and my continued healing!

Psoriasis: In the beginning when I began this journey my scars were visible and embarrassing, to say the least. Now, my 'sores' look like targets. I have big circles like a ring of fire, where the sore began and the center is in the clearing stages. Smooth skin is resurfacing and yes, it's taking its time, but it IS a work in progress moving FORWARD in healing and not getting worse. No new sores appearing.

Arthritis: The pain subsided for months last year as my tumor seemed to grow. Three levels of healing Psoriasis, Arthritis, and the Big C, all taking turns on the healing journey. The signs ARE there! While the pain may be back for a time...

Big C: The tumor is now in the SHRINKING phase. VISIBLY SHRINKING! I can't say much more without showing you a picture (eww gross) and I only wished I was of this techno world that takes a pic of everything just to document my PROOF. But then again let's go back to the Bible... show me pics as proof. (that is sarcasm, friends) We only have words to go on and as this journey of mine, it's all in my words. 

Go back and read my words from the beginning, it's all there. One day, my family might finally stumble upon my words and they'll finally SEE, CHRIST IN ME! As I take baby-steps toward my healing, I am enjoying each and every breath in the day because let's face it, as we enjoy these summer months, one never knows what the next day has in store. Cherish the day! 

May God bless each and every one of you! Have a beautiful Summer! Godspeed...

1 John 5:4 For whatsoever is born of God overcometh the world: and this is the victory that overcometh the world, even our faith.

Thursday, May 31, 2018

Which Voice Do You Hear?

The face in the clouds
Acts 14:10 "Said with a loud voice, Stand upright on thy feet. And he leaped and walked."

Which do you hear?

Two voices, one of positive encouragement the other a put down, both on the same exact subject. An example? 
"Does my hair look okay?"
"It looks great."

"I think it looks like it got caught in a blender on high speed!"

When you hear (read) both, which do you hear that you'll carry with you? Do you hear how great your hair looks and you carry that positive affirmation through your day? More times than not you hear the negative comment and go on with your day with a little chip hanging on your shoulder ready to pounce on anyone that looks at you the wrong way.

“My sheep listen to my voice; I know them, and they follow me.” John 10:27 (NIV)

I love this from Bible Gateway: "Jesus doesn’t tell us if we dig deep enough or study long enough or go to church often enough we’ll be able to uncover the hidden mystery to hearing His voice. Instead, Jesus lists only one prerequisite to hearing His voice: Be one of His sheep." - Katy McCown

You see, my point is, I listen to God but there are people out there muffling His words for me. I sit in the quiet of the morning, meditating on His word and His voice, listening in the still small place that He and I share in the spiritual flow of the cosmos, my soul. When I come out of this place, some negatively call it 'from under my rock', I see it as time WITH my ROCK of salvation! The negative voice hurts and puts a dent in my space but I truly try so hard not to carry it around in my day. It's kind of hard when the clamoring comes beating on your door seeking what it is you have hiding there.

It's ironic that I listen and hear his voice. I try and tell people that they too can listen and hear but I assume they have discord hammering at their door with other priorities that keep their focus away from hearing Christ in them. Yesterday, I received an email noting the distractions WE ALL have knocking on our door keeping us away from hearing HIS voice and listening to another voice that pulls and tugs at us and we often aren't even aware.

I happily live under my rock for many reasons, one of those reasons is to keep the distractions from trying to pull me into the deep end of the pool and drowning me. The other reason is that it is a cool solid place to dwell when needing a rock to lean on that actually listens and HEARS what I'm whispering. I can scream and shout outside of the rock and no one hears, and I'm okay with that too. After all, Jesus has been gently nudging people for centuries and the people smothered Him with fires and flames so they didn't HAVE to hear him.

When I was first diagnosed, the doctors circled around me like a school of sharks. They in no way offered me anything remotely helpful. This conservative state wants you to swim WITH the sharks or be eaten alive BY the sharks, you are not allowed an in-between spot on the spectrum. I am neither liberal or conservative, so basically, in a nation that DEMANDS you to choose a side or be burned at the stake, I'm screwed! I go to the doctor, they offer me drugs. I tell them my stance, they scoff and wave their hands as if blowing me off. They don't, I repeat, they DO NOT offer anything alternative! I need to cross state lines for that, and since I don't see that in my cards anywhere down the line, I stand firm with Christ and where He and He alone will lead me. HE is my safety net, my Rock! 

I CANNOT afford a chiropractor or an acupuncturist, I cannot do yoga because of my arthritis. I cannot turn to a doctor because all they spew at me is, "You need chemo chemo chemo. You don't need a chiropractor, you need chemo!" or "Here, have some drugs for your pain." That right there is the sharks I won't swim with. You too can agree or disagree with me, it is your right. I thank you all for caring endlessly for me and wanting to help. I sincerely love you all to the moon and back! 

I think I need to go under my rock for a bit and enjoy what is left of summer. Which voice is it that you hear? I hear God telling me over and over, "I GOT THIS! I GOT THIS!" All my praise and Glory goes to HIM! 

This is basically how I feel when not under my rock.

"And then! Oh, the noise! Oh, the Noise! Noise! Noise! Noise!
That's one thing he hated! The NOISE! NOISE! NOISE! NOISE! " The Grinch, Dr. Seuss

Godspeed friends, in all that you do, be BLESSED!

2 Cor. 1:3 "Blessed be God, even the Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of mercies, and the God of all comfort;"

A closer look at The Face in the Clouds