Still Small Voice

1 Kgs. 19:12 “And after the earthquake a fire; but the LORD was not in the fire: and after the fire a still small voice.”

Still small voice

Listen, can you hear Him, His still small voice is speaking to you, can you feel him? Maybe you hear an inner voice, maybe He’s revealed in dreams or visions. One way or another God is reaching out to you, can you give Him a moment of your time?

I need to heed my own advice. Yesterday was a pretty bad day, like a pimple everything in me burst; not physically, emotionally. When Lent begins and you alter your routine that you were so set on, you’d be surprised how quickly the Lord responds. 

I’ve said that I’m on a strict protocol but sometimes I don’t feel it is strict enough, I’m not fighting off the common cold mind you. I’ve given up so much that the task of continuing can be quite daunting and overwhelming. This week has been one of those weeks of build-up that came to a head and popped.

For starters, the weather. While everyone is out there laughing at me when I say how cold it is, they are not the ones hindered or put out by the unending cold. They're also not fighting a deathly disease. Let me remind you that last winter we had nary a speck of snow, we had one cold spell that was completely over in two weeks and on this day last year we were hitting record warmth and trees were already showing signs of budding.

Granted I know it is ‘winter’ from December 21-March 21 but for a couple of years, the winters have been mild and bearable. This one is strangely different. I say strangely because with a very dry summer we normally would have a dry winter, but this year when droughts were rampant across the country, after the wildfires in the west, something happened up there in the jet stream that changed weather across the states. 

Since December 21st, we’ve had snow or ice on the ground not allowing me my daily walks. The temperatures have been below normal meaning I’ve seen more minus zero wind chills than days above zero, or even above the freezing temp of 32. With the cold comes clouds, more clouds than sun. With ice, clouds and cold it has swept me into hibernation and that is not an allowed protocol of a vicious disease that lets me know who’s boss on any given day.

With the viciousness of the attack of this illness, I get very down, another part of the protocol that is not allowed. I know from the outside world you can’t see it, so of course, you’re going to laugh and not think of how your simple words might cut me like a knife. I do understand that life is going on for everyone else while mine has come to a complete standstill and turned around for me 360 degrees.

Yesterday I cried, a deep cry where my eyes puffed up, my nose clogged beyond decompression, my head ached and my whole body shivered and shook wanting to curl into a ball and be left alone. I told my husband I didn’t know what was happening or why I was crying like this. I just feel like I’m getting worse, not better, I’m not strong but am becoming weakened. I feel like Jesus went to pray and came back and here I am sleeping. He wanted me awake and I couldn’t do that one simple thing for Him, stay awake!

My husband told me that I used to cry like this a lot in the beginning and that I’ve been doing great. I sure don’t feel like I’ve been doing great but he assured me I was. Even with his assurance and compassion, I felt like sleeping, never to wake up again. I prayed.

Yesterday, tucked in among the frigid gloomy days was a sixty-degree day. The winds were horrendous, kind of ruining the beauty but after my cry, my dog needed to do some business and my hubby was in the shed working on a project. I rose and went to the back door, letting the dog outside, I looked around; the winds subsided. For a brief moment, I felt the sun, I drank in the warmth of my swollen face and felt a peace wash over me. God was letting me know, in His still small voice that I was going to be okay. 

Yesterday I craved everything that I haven’t had for a year. Yes, I know I can crash but I craved like never before. While shopping, I wanted donuts, I wanted pizza, I wanted everything but knew I could have nothing. I grieved beyond consolation, when I got home I crashed into a fit of tears that hurt every part of my being and there was this day, possibly the Son shining just for me, letting me know that I need to see how far I’ve come.

Luke 4:2 “Being forty days tempted of the devil. And in those days he did eat nothing: and when they were ended, he afterward hungered.”

I was reminded that when Jesus fasted, for forty days He was tempted by the devil, He didn’t cave but instead said, “Satan, get thee behind me.” I’m letting you know quite bluntly, I’m not Jesus and sometimes am not that strong.  

Luke 4:8 “And Jesus answered and said unto him, Get thee behind me, Satan: for it is written, Thou shalt worship the Lord thy God, and him only shalt thou serve.”

I caved and ate a small frozen pizza. Not just any frozen pizza, I added black olives, onion, jalapeno peppers, ham, and some turkey bacon; the pizza was a feast I haven’t seen for a year! I had two slices of bread with butter, a pickle and some green olives on the side. I ate the entire meal! I was full and it felt good to be full. Granted I’ve been eating well for a year, and yes I’ve had a day or two out of the year where I went off protocol but this winter is the real test. It is making me feel total insecurity, anxiousness, doubt, and fear all coming to a head and exploding.

I need to let you all know that the struggle is real. Appreciate every whimsical chance you get to be with the ones you love. Eat like tomorrow you might not have another piece of food enter your mouth and pray, pray your illness can be fought and won and don’t ever give up. Listen for that still small voice in your head, but most of all, HEAR what it is saying.

This week we’re back to the brisk cold, the clouds swallowing the sun whole, and me kicking myself in the butt for breaking! I need to get back into my exercise routine that winter curtailed even if it is on a bike that sits inside four walls. I need to be lifted up instead of feeling down, even if that means I need to stay away from everyone and their great food filled lives, I need to listen to that still small voice telling me to wake up, I’m not alone! I need to feel Jesus, tapping me on the shoulder telling me He is right here beside me, that He made it, He put satan in his place and we can go on from today with our heads held high. We embrace… I’m not alone. 

God is good, all of the time. All of the time, God is good!

Jas. 1:2-5 “My brethren, count it all joy when ye fall into divers temptations;

Knowing this, that the trying of your faith worketh patience.

But let patience have her perfect work, that ye may be perfect and entire, wanting nothing.

If any of you lack wisdom, let him ask of God, that giveth to all men liberally, and upbraideth not; and it shall be given him.”

All praise and Glory to God!