Tuesday, January 22, 2013

Self Doubt

“Just by going to Church doesn’t make you a Christian any more than standing in the garage makes you a car.”
Joyce Meyer and others
Like the contagious flu going around, I hear self -doubt is going around too. It can be quite contagious if you don’t have a mask of protection on. Some people don’t feel they need a mask, but it is helpful in a germ-ridden world of self-doubt and non-believers.

I have lived with self- doubt most of my life. It’s a form of low self-esteem, which carried me for twenty years of a bad marriage. I was always closed off from the world, didn’t write (no computer) but you know what? That didn’t stop me from writing and healing myself.

I began meditating as a way to center my thoughts. Don’t get me wrong here, it does not go against my religious convictions, instead it walks WITH my religious faith.

Pss. 1: 2 But his delight is in the law of the LORD; and in his law doth he meditate day and night.

I can find may references to meditation so it isn’t some new age ritual. It’s been around for some time. I use meditation to get me focused on God and more important things like, ME! It is okay to focus on you, because that is where you’ll find the most healing transition in your life.

I grew up in a family of self-doubters and huggers of low self-esteem. We were not rooted in God, we were rooted in alcohol and abuse. It is all I knew. It was up to ME to change, ME, with a little (no, a lot) of help from God.

I waited on the Lord and twenty years later, drastic change came my way. What? Twenty years? Yes, I waited twenty years. God doesn’t give us a set date and time, so when I hear people say they waited a year and got nothing, I say, “A year? Really?”

I realize people don’t have twenty years to wait and your time may be less than mine. I was deep, deep in depression, the FEAR of failure and nonacceptance, that I ignored opportunities to grow. Being surrounded with the negative people didn’t help matters any. It wasn’t until I had a God-slap moment, that things took on a life of its own.

I stopped looking everywhere else for my healing, looked within and saw myself cradled in an all powerful love hug from God himself. I no longer looked outward, in say horoscopes, the extra terrestrial life that I suspected was out there, I had to look within and stayed focused on one thing, God. Yes it takes persistent practice, nail-biting downfalls, uplifting moments and guess what, PATIENCE!

I had read once (okay many times) that satan is an all too consuming power that will have you looking outward at these false things, so that you can’t focus on God. Made sense to me.

Maybe it was from the false belief, that God helps those, who help themselves. I’m sorry to disagree, but God helps the HELPLESS, the HOPELESS. God helps us all! Sure he’ll be your guide as you struggle to help yourself, but really, when you’re in a darkened pit, you do all you CAN to help yourself, and you just want to be freed from the pit, like Daniel in the Lion’s Den.

Ten years ago, God took me out of the pit and assured me He would be along on the journey. I left my home in Baltimore, ventured into the grand state of Texas, and never looked back at the life I left behind. I made it out of the pit of dysfunction and negativity, crawled on my hands and knees in a merciful fashion and was met with adversity and struggles, but now I realized, it was ME, not some strapped up prisoner afraid of everything.

My life changed. I got my license for the first time, was encouraged to do things on my own, like shopping for food! (I told you I was a prisoner) and slowly but surely layers of low self-esteem peeled away from me, like a banana yielding a delicious fruit! I was now a precious fruit in my own mind. Finally I shed self-doubt, and left it lying on the ground for someone to slip and fall on, because I wasn’t going back!

Sure I have doubts sometimes, but know, the more focused I am on God and my purpose, not facebook, twitter, Myspace or Pinterest, the more and more layers of doubt peel away. The more I don’t focus on what can be done today, like cleaning (all idle or idol distractions) or television, I woman up and do rightful things in the MOMENT, like WRITE!

Prayerful meditation will guide you gently in the here and now. Not in the failures or let downs, in the HERE and NOW! Once focused on the moment, you’ll see, you've accomplished something and wonder, “How’d I do that?”

To add to the opening quote: “Just because you believe in Christ, doesn’t make you a Christian, no more than believing in a horrorscope makes it the truth of your day.”  Joni Zipp

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