Showing posts with label broken. Show all posts
Showing posts with label broken. Show all posts

Wednesday, April 10, 2019

Smart Phone?

Rom. 12:2 “And be not conformed to this world: but be ye transformed by the renewing of your mind, that ye may prove what is that good, and acceptable, and perfect, will of God.”

One thing I can say, I’m not a conformist. I’ve never conformed to what other people conform to and diligently justify as a means of growing when in essence and truth, be honest, they’re conforming. They will never admit it because it is just a form of growth. My son and I often go back and forth on this issue because he tells me I ‘need’ to keep up with the times. 

I’m on the outside looking in, being bullied taunted and teased all because I don’t conform to what everyone else is doing. If anyone has known me for a while, they KNOW this about me, accepts me for being ‘different’, just as I accept them for being different. But why is it that *I* always feel like the bad guy ready to go sulk under a Weeping Willow.

The day came when hubby walked in the door with a Smartphone. Seriously, NOTHING else was offered (I don’t know, I wasn’t in on the ritual), but the house drained of its energy. I’m a high energy person and thrive on it but lately, with everything going on, the energy is being sucked right out of me. This day was no different, in he walked with a Smartphone and all I could blindly feel is suffocation. Alone, I now would be totally alone.

He was as happy as a kid in a candy store discovering the new flavor of gum. Do you want to hear something ironic? Look up the term ‘smart’ in the dictionary.

Smart:
verb (used without object):
to be a source of sharp, local, and usually superficial pain, as a wound.
to be the cause of a sharp, stinging pain, as an irritating application, a blow, etc.

verb (used with object):
to cause a sharp pain to or in.

It kind of scared me that this is what people are buying into, yet calling ME a bully? 

Is the adjective form of the word supposed to make me feel better? It didn’t.

adjective, smart·er, smart·est.
quick or prompt in action, as persons.
having or showing quick intelligence or ready mental capability:
a smart student.
shrewd or sharp, as a person in dealing with others

He sat mesmerized with his new toy for hours, picking its ‘brain’ and learning all of the ins and outs. Oh, what fun. 
I said to him, quite sarcastically, “They have a doctor for that.” 
He said, “For what?”
I replied, “For people who feel the need to carry a computer in their pockets day in and day out.”

You might get the feeling that I don’t like technology, and you’d be 100% correct! He has been a part of this techno world since he was eighteen, me, just fifteen years now. I only accepted a computer as a means to write. I didn’t like the advent of the microwave oven, why would I be all happy to access the Worldwide Web and it is at my fingertips as I shop, drive, sit with family? Oh wait, that’s what this progressive world is all about. I  realized years ago, I don’t fit in anywhere now, great.

Mysteriously within two weeks my phone conveniently malfunctioned and basically fried. I was now without a phone and I was dreading what was going to walk through that door for me. Just put a bag over my head and let me die now!

A knock on the door brought this new world to me, I felt like Alice in Wonderland about to slip through the hole. Hold on tight, Joni!
“Look at the pretty case. Look at the all of the apps, games, weather bug,  camera, and best of all Google!” 
“Big deal. I just want a phone and texting.
“But, but, but…”
“PHONE AND TEXTING!”

I had to say it loud because, for one, I am not easily swayed, two I am obviously not heard, and three no one really understands who I am. Again, I am alone, very alone. Oh, I don’t have to be, I can conform to the world and find joy in what brings joy to everyone else and that is having access to the Worldwide Web at their very fingertips any moment of the day. I wonder how the earth ever survived all of these years without this pleasurable tool. I bet a lot of men, women, and children died without access and that’s a shame, right there. I bet a lot of men, women children died WITH the access and that’s a shame too.

I realized quite quickly I can’t text with my nails. My son tried to show me but to no avail. 
“Girls text with longer nails and have no problem.”
Getting angry I retorted, “I am not a GIRL! Obviously, I’m an old woman with arthritis!”
“A stylus, do you have a stylus?” I knew the term from the early days when my parents bought my son an iPod and he became snagged up by the Web.
“I do!” I was getting excited by the possibilities now.

I now was understanding the struggle my mother was having with the new phone my brother bought her. She complained that her old phone wasn’t working and that all of the other elderly people playing bingo had these really cool looking phones. The biggest mistake she ever allowed to spill out of her mouth. He got her the new fancy phone and now she can’t switch back. My mother is stuck with a phone she doesn’t understand.

I would at least TRY and understand this phone. My son came by the other day and helped clear some things up for me and I DO NOT and WILL NOT have any apps on my phone except texting and phone calls. There’s a concept, a phone, used to make a call, how strange. He kept trying to egg me on with the lure of a Weather Bug app. I said, NO! I have it on my computer, what in the world do I need it on my phone for. He didn’t know my hubby had painstakingly tried to get me to conform to his ways two days ago, to no avail.

The lure of conformity can weaken some and strengthen others. Conformity looks pretty all dressed up in it’s Sunday best (yup there’s an app for that too, church, sermons, and scripture right at your fingertips) I prefer my Bible but then again we’re all different. 

I won’t judge you for the love of technology and please, don’t judge me for my dislike, and no, I won’t be getting an app for THAT, whatever it is you’re trying to shine on me to lure me into your den.

Only four months into the year and already 2019 is making its mark. And we wonder why the world is in such turmoil? The sneaky snarky dark one came creeping in and you bought what he was selling. He’s left his mark, too. Let the bombardment of the justification begin, and it will.

Job 35:12 “There they cry, but none giveth answer, because of the pride of evil men.”

Rev. 15:2 “And I saw as it were a sea of glass mingled with fire: and them that had gotten the victory over the beast, and over his image, and over his mark, and over the number of his name, stand on the sea of glass, having the harps of God.”



Monday, December 31, 2018

Home At Last...My Story Continues

Rev. 19:1 “ And after these things I heard a great voice of much people in heaven, saying, Alleluia; Salvation, and glory, and honour, and power, unto the Lord our God:”

Home at last...

Driving home for the first time in twenty days felt strange as I had not really been in the outside air except for the three-minute drive from nursing home to the hospital across the road. I opened the window and let the cool breeze kiss my face as the sun hugged me, welcoming me. Yes, there was sun instead of clouds on this day of my release from rehab.

I was a little nervous heading home because I had no idea what uncertainty was going to meet me at the door. All I knew was that it was home, and I was finally going there, a safe haven in which to rest. What felt like months in the hospital being shuffled from hospital to nursing home, to radiation on my leg, to the primary doctor and back to the hospital, it was all coming to a nerve-wracking end because I’d have to trust my husband on a different level more than anything right now.

My husband had been put through the wringer, thrown in the dryer and left there to wrinkle. In other words, this man was frazzled beyond recognition. I could see him in there but his mind, it looked as if it had been thrown in the frying pan and left to sizzle. No one noticed this, not his mother, his sister, no one but me and my son because we had to deal with him daily.  He was forgetful, distant at times, and extremely self-centered. He was trying to regain control of the world he lost,  something that looked normal but he knew, that time was a ways off in the months that lie ahead.

In the twenty days I was in the hospital he had locked his keys in the car at least three times, he had forgotten what I asked for from home almost daily and he had slept on the hard hospital sofa for ten days, not wanting to leave me alone in the hospital but was made to leave me in a nursing home and that laid guilt on him. I’m not telling you this so you can laugh and make fun, I’m sharing this because here was a dedicated-to-his-wife man, who had very recently put his dog to rest, now made to deal with his wife, not being the beautiful dependable homemaker that he fell in love with. He was wearing thin on many levels and it hurt me to watch.

Now he was driving me home where my care would be solely left up to him. Sure, a home healthcare nurse would come by twice a week, but as you know, there are seven days in a week. I  believe any man would be anxious in this situation where twenty days ago he didn’t know if his wife was going to live or die, it looked that grim from their perspectives. Sure his mom would offer to make a meal or two, but he needed more, more that none of us could give.

Now sitting in front of the house drew tears from my eyes like water from a well. I was no longer looking out a window hoping and praying, I was home, prayers answered. The tears flowed effortlessly before I even tried getting out of the car. Hubby was removing the wheelchair from the trunk, my son came from inside offering to help and I just wanted to sit there in the car and drink the reality of it all in. “Why not unload the car and let me sit here a few minutes?”

They complied and began carrying in vases and stuffed animals, blankets and clothes, boxes and bows. I was home. The shabby little rental house isn’t all that much to look at, but it has been my home for ten years, one where I made it a flower-rimmed home that even the owner of the property had mentioned how well tended this place was. Amazing what love can turn into beauty in the midst of ugly. I was home.

I called out to Riley, the dog who wandered onto the property two years ago as a stray and never left. Riley, who was nowhere to be seen, nor had been for some days the guys said. I called out and told her to come home, I’m here. She would come eventually, she always does. The guys said that when they put food out for her, it disappeared, but they never really caught a glimpse of her. 

I had to swing my pained legs out the door. I would need to get back into the car on Friday and all the days of doctor visits, so this has to go well! I pivoted to the wheelchair, gently sat, and after taking a deep inhale was pushed forward up my RAMP, that my bro-in-law built with no questions asked (or funds for that matter!)

Once safely in the front door, my eyes opened to a cascade of tears, I just sat and bawled my eyes out, crying, “I’m home! I’m home!” There was joy and fear, anxiety and pain but there was also my Lord waiting to carry any burden I brought home with me. 

I’ll continue this story in the coming weeks as I continue healing but today being New Year's Eve, you need to know how far I’ve come and am at on this day, two short months since I was released from what I deemed ‘the hellholes’!

My cancer markers have gone down drastically, leaving the doctors scratching their heads in amazement. The markers began in September at 2775, dropped in October to 1500, then to 875 in November! What do they mean? Cancer no longer likes living in my body- for now, I move on.

When I was released from rehab on October 5th, I was on a strict no weight-bearing regimen! I could not put any weight on my left leg and minimal on my right! 
Today, I still use the wheelchair but I walk with a walker (in the house and at physical therapy) and have just started practicing with a cane! 

My doctors, plural, have admitted that it was not just the oral-chemo that has had this miraculous change in my healing. Whatever I was doing (alternatively) was obviously in play here and working on healing me! 

The radiation I received for ten days was to my femur where they said cancer had spread, radiation zapped it away. More astonishing to the doc’s was the rare way my body was handling everything. No vomiting, eating regularly, no diarrhea, no pink peeling skin, no mouth sores, no fevers, etc. I was what the nurse said, “Our poster child for what stage 4 cancer healing SHOULD look like!" Words like awesome, amazing, fascinating were frequently heard with each office visit or from anyone I came in contact with really.

This weekend for the first time in three months, I reclaimed my home! Taking my time and being ever so cautious, I dusted and vacuumed, washed, dried, folded and put away two loads of laundry. I’m releasing my husband of those duties and hopefully, he can find healing also. 

What do I say is my source of healing? My God! Simply put, my AMAZING GOD! Prayer and the support of my friends and family. I never allowed my faith to wane, my trust in the Lord grew stronger. Through each pain, every sorrowful step that brought tears to my eyes, I cried out louder to my God, Thank you, Jesus! 

Now, what do I see for the NEW YEAR? My faith growing even stronger, my sharing of this miraculous healing with any and all, and I see the colors of the rainbow flourishing in my garden this spring. I see me walking around the house talking to my animals and giving my Riley plenty of belly rubs! Yes, she appeared when she sensed I was home. (It didn’t take too long)


I’m home… home at last! 

HAPPY NEW YEAR, my Spiritual Family! I could’ve never made it without your continued prayers and support!

Pss. 30:2 “O LORD my God, I cried unto thee, and thou hast healed me.”








Thursday, October 16, 2014

Grains of Sand

Job. 6:3 For now it would be heavier than the sand of the sea: therefore my words are swallowed up.

Grains of Sand

Shards of glass, window broken
Words unsaid, never spoken
Lining up the grains of sand
I reach out to grasp a hand.

No one sees me standing there
Arms outstretched in deep despair.
Calls unheard, emotions dripping
Grains of sand, my fingers slipping.

Fragments of a former storm
Threads just barely keep me warm
I extend a trembling hand
Seeking out one grain of sand.

There along the barren shore
I am offered an open door.
Carried from this desolate land
Rainbows blink on grains of sand.

Prov. 27:3 A stone is heavy, and the sand weighty; but a fool's wrath is heavier than them both.
 
 

Sunday, February 06, 2011

Poetry Sunday ~ Broken Beauty

Be strong, and let your heart take courage, all you who wait for the Lord! Psalm 31:24
***
Broken Beauty

All rights reserved: copyright © Joni Zipp
***
Daggers slicing through my heart,
I boldly stand to make a new start.
Cutting deep; vile words that slay
my heart it drips what’s left to display.

I fight to recover all I’ve lost
in the battle of ensuing frost
crippled am I; all pieces scattered
look on at me; my soul is battered.

Weary legs I wobble around
outstretched arms barely found;
the pain is icicles in my veins
wandering through the torn remains.

Wicked people try to corrupt
all this beauty in a moment abrupt
They try to topple the tower of being
plowing through all people I’m seeing.

Though life looks like a milky mist
muddling about I cease and desist.
I won’t play into the evil ones hands
I’m with my Lord in loftier lands.

Try but lose your chance to break;
my souls not there for you to take.
Bound by blazing Glorious rays,
I live for my Father all of my days!

All rights reserved: copyright © Joni Zipp

Thursday, May 27, 2010

Pieces of Me

Pieces of Me
***
Pieces of me lay strewn around
always lost and never found.
A little here a tad bit there
I gave myself without a care.

Pieces of me I’ve handed out
I didn’t worry; I had no doubt.
Remnants I have left behind,
never retrieve, never find.

Pieces of me others have broken;
took my heart as a token.
spit it out and tossed it back
returned to me all they lack.

Pieces of me are here to use
often a slice, rarely a bruise.
My beating heart no worse for wear.
Gave it my all without a care.

Pieces of me I sweep off the floor,
returning the me I was before.
I can not hope for things not present,
I’ll fake a smile and seem real pleasant.

Pieces of me may forever be lost.
Sometimes this is what it cost.
I’ll  find the shards, use some glue
restore the me I always knew!