Smart Phone?

Rom. 12:2 “And be not conformed to this world: but be ye transformed by the renewing of your mind, that ye may prove what is that good, and acceptable, and perfect, will of God.”

One thing I can say, I’m not a conformist. I’ve never conformed to what other people conform to and diligently justify as a means of growing when in essence and truth, be honest, they’re conforming. They will never admit it because it is just a form of growth. My son and I often go back and forth on this issue because he tells me I ‘need’ to keep up with the times. 

I’m on the outside looking in, being bullied taunted and teased all because I don’t conform to what everyone else is doing. If anyone has known me for a while, they KNOW this about me, accepts me for being ‘different’, just as I accept them for being different. But why is it that *I* always feel like the bad guy ready to go sulk under a Weeping Willow.

The day came when hubby walked in the door with a Smartphone. Seriously, NOTHING else was offered (I don’t know, I wasn’t in on the ritual), but the house drained of its energy. I’m a high energy person and thrive on it but lately, with everything going on, the energy is being sucked right out of me. This day was no different, in he walked with a Smartphone and all I could blindly feel is suffocation. Alone, I now would be totally alone.

He was as happy as a kid in a candy store discovering the new flavor of gum. Do you want to hear something ironic? Look up the term ‘smart’ in the dictionary.

Smart:
verb (used without object):
to be a source of sharp, local, and usually superficial pain, as a wound.
to be the cause of a sharp, stinging pain, as an irritating application, a blow, etc.

verb (used with object):
to cause a sharp pain to or in.

It kind of scared me that this is what people are buying into, yet calling ME a bully? 

Is the adjective form of the word supposed to make me feel better? It didn’t.

adjective, smart·er, smart·est.
quick or prompt in action, as persons.
having or showing quick intelligence or ready mental capability:
a smart student.
shrewd or sharp, as a person in dealing with others

He sat mesmerized with his new toy for hours, picking its ‘brain’ and learning all of the ins and outs. Oh, what fun. 
I said to him, quite sarcastically, “They have a doctor for that.” 
He said, “For what?”
I replied, “For people who feel the need to carry a computer in their pockets day in and day out.”

You might get the feeling that I don’t like technology, and you’d be 100% correct! He has been a part of this techno world since he was eighteen, me, just fifteen years now. I only accepted a computer as a means to write. I didn’t like the advent of the microwave oven, why would I be all happy to access the Worldwide Web and it is at my fingertips as I shop, drive, sit with family? Oh wait, that’s what this progressive world is all about. I  realized years ago, I don’t fit in anywhere now, great.

Mysteriously within two weeks my phone conveniently malfunctioned and basically fried. I was now without a phone and I was dreading what was going to walk through that door for me. Just put a bag over my head and let me die now!

A knock on the door brought this new world to me, I felt like Alice in Wonderland about to slip through the hole. Hold on tight, Joni!
“Look at the pretty case. Look at the all of the apps, games, weather bug,  camera, and best of all Google!” 
“Big deal. I just want a phone and texting.
“But, but, but…”
“PHONE AND TEXTING!”

I had to say it loud because, for one, I am not easily swayed, two I am obviously not heard, and three no one really understands who I am. Again, I am alone, very alone. Oh, I don’t have to be, I can conform to the world and find joy in what brings joy to everyone else and that is having access to the Worldwide Web at their very fingertips any moment of the day. I wonder how the earth ever survived all of these years without this pleasurable tool. I bet a lot of men, women, and children died without access and that’s a shame, right there. I bet a lot of men, women children died WITH the access and that’s a shame too.

I realized quite quickly I can’t text with my nails. My son tried to show me but to no avail. 
“Girls text with longer nails and have no problem.”
Getting angry I retorted, “I am not a GIRL! Obviously, I’m an old woman with arthritis!”
“A stylus, do you have a stylus?” I knew the term from the early days when my parents bought my son an iPod and he became snagged up by the Web.
“I do!” I was getting excited by the possibilities now.

I now was understanding the struggle my mother was having with the new phone my brother bought her. She complained that her old phone wasn’t working and that all of the other elderly people playing bingo had these really cool looking phones. The biggest mistake she ever allowed to spill out of her mouth. He got her the new fancy phone and now she can’t switch back. My mother is stuck with a phone she doesn’t understand.

I would at least TRY and understand this phone. My son came by the other day and helped clear some things up for me and I DO NOT and WILL NOT have any apps on my phone except texting and phone calls. There’s a concept, a phone, used to make a call, how strange. He kept trying to egg me on with the lure of a Weather Bug app. I said, NO! I have it on my computer, what in the world do I need it on my phone for. He didn’t know my hubby had painstakingly tried to get me to conform to his ways two days ago, to no avail.

The lure of conformity can weaken some and strengthen others. Conformity looks pretty all dressed up in it’s Sunday best (yup there’s an app for that too, church, sermons, and scripture right at your fingertips) I prefer my Bible but then again we’re all different. 

I won’t judge you for the love of technology and please, don’t judge me for my dislike, and no, I won’t be getting an app for THAT, whatever it is you’re trying to shine on me to lure me into your den.

Only four months into the year and already 2019 is making its mark. And we wonder why the world is in such turmoil? The sneaky snarky dark one came creeping in and you bought what he was selling. He’s left his mark, too. Let the bombardment of the justification begin, and it will.

Job 35:12 “There they cry, but none giveth answer, because of the pride of evil men.”

Rev. 15:2 “And I saw as it were a sea of glass mingled with fire: and them that had gotten the victory over the beast, and over his image, and over his mark, and over the number of his name, stand on the sea of glass, having the harps of God.”

Attention Deficit

Prov. 20:27 "The spirit of man is the candle of the LORD, searching all the inward parts of the belly."

Attention Deficit

I was sitting here this morning thinking, and like a dam bursting open my thoughts steered toward the attention span of human beings. It seems these days, this era is an attention deficit era where everyone is so wrapped up in themselves they can only see off in the distance. If someone were drowning, they'd have to let them and just watch the struggle from afar because of the distance between the two.

Basically, the only relationships that stay alive are the daily face-to-face ones because eventually everyone bores of any empathetic behavior unless it's going to benefit them. An email the other morning exclaimed, America's Loneliness Epidemic; how should we respond? I wasn't surprised at what the solutions were and being a Christian email I, a Christian knew where they were going to go with their line of thinking. 

With the rise of the 'me generation' loneliness is inevitable because everyone is focused on the 'me' of the equation and not the 'them'. From the email by Michael E. Stallard, Crosswalk:  "...loneliness triggers a host of negative effects, including a decline in physical and emotional health, greater incivility and violence, and a rise in addiction and suicide."

While the email went on with solutions, solutions I thought were pretty good but just one-sided and Bible Christian based. We don't live in a society of believers so I don't think any of these suggestions would rest well with a person contemplating suicide or a person so lonely they isolate themselves from the daily rush of traffic of ignorant negative people; being alone is a safer option.

It's very easy for me to say just trust in Jesus, but to a non-believer that might not go over well. It might be easy to say build lasting relationships with people who earnestly care but honestly, they are hard to find in an emotional deficit world of the 'me' generation. While the churches are catering to the generation by making their programs more alive and active with life, there is a depressed generation that is not turning to the church for moral support.

I totally get where these folk are coming from. The church sometimes is a big letdown. It shouldn't be that way but it is a fact to the people who need more than the church can give. The church that is supposed to 'accept all' winds up shunning the very people they need to reach. I personally think the church could benefit these lost souls if they helped anonymously. All of the programs I see where I live come with a nametag of "brought to you by the--name of the church". The lost and lonely want no part of the church so they miss out on the extension of help. Why does the church need to be seen as the one giving assistance/aid/love/compassion?

I know you'll say that God is the only way and spew all the scripture pointing to "no one enters but through me" scripture, I know, I get it! But the lost souls, the suicidal, the ones who NEED help don't understand at that point. They're lost, they're lonely and all we're worried about is having them know the bible? In time maybe spring the Word on them but right off the bat? They need compassion, an ear, a friend, not someone who is only there because Jesus called them to be there to spring the Word on them. Yes, they need to hear the Word but initially, they just need to be HEARD.

Community support groups, community activities brought to you anonymously by the church could reach the people without a nametag, reach them by not boasting of 'we helped you', reach them by opening a door of communication with the very society that has let them down. Lead them in a way that they should go. There ARE ways to help but again, the attention deficit society can only focus on the prize, not the race.

There has to be a starting point. Communities need to be willing to accept the church's help anonymously, the church needs to be willing to help anonymously, we the people need to be FOR the people in every sense of the word.

Non-coincidentally I stumbled upon one of my followers' blog posts this morning: 
I was already writing my post so when I was led to this one, it made me see I'm not alone in my thinking. He was writing basically the same line of thought as I was writing. It is so mysterious the way that God collectively links the Christian minds to universal thought processes. 

I believe Christians can aid the lost and the lonely. I believe showing people love, compassion, caring and understanding can all be attributed to our Christian faith without a bible-thumping mentality of connecting to the lost. People need to be listened to, they need to feel as if they matter. Tied up in the 'me' generation are people seeking help and not finding it because as I said, everyone is so wrapped up in their own thing, giving time to another person who might be on the brink is too much of an effort and cuts into your precious time of caring for YOU.

Yes, I understand that everybody has a life and their own struggles to deal with on a regular basis but is it too hard to reach out to someone who has seemingly become distant all of a sudden? Not asking the question of 'are you okay' leaves the window of help closed as you back off because you don't think they want to talk about something. Usually taking time to think can cost someone his or her life. 

You might be wondering how I know about this; I'll tell you I know because I've been there on the suicidal end and no one reached out. I know what loneliness feels like and I know that the blanket of inner struggle one deals with when no one is around to lift even one finger or an ear of compassion. And yes, Christians let people down more than you ever know. 

Why are so many kids on drugs for attention deficit disorder? Why are kids deprived of attention? I'll tell you why but you're not going to like what I say. Parents neglect children because they NEED an outlet too and in finding their 'outlet' the child gets left behind. We're not raising kids in a two-parent household. We're tossing kids in pre-school at an earlier and earlier age and sending them off to school to allow teachers to bear the burden of raising the children of the 'me generation'. We put kids on the ADD drugs (which by the way have the same suicidal side effects that you hear about from the drugs/medication YOU take) thinking the drug will help but the kid grows, can't afford to keep up the 'meds' and more times than not, the suicidal tendencies of the drug kick in while no one is looking.

While you were worried about you, someone died that you couldn't say, 'Hi' to or 'how are you' in a meaningful banter of words. I'm tired of talking about me and my disease, I'll live or die but somewhere out in the world as I'm writing this, someone is taking their life because YOU were too busy worrying about YOU. 

I reach out through words but slowly my words are not enough, the extent of my reach is not far enough, I'm alone in trying to convey a message that people are tired of hearing. Why are they tired of hearing it? Because they are busy with other things. 

Prov. 25:27 "It is not good to eat much honey: so for men to search their own glory is not glory."

Eccl. 1:13 "And I gave my heart to seek and search out by wisdom concerning all things that are done under heaven: this sore travail hath God given to the sons of man to be exercised therewith."

Poetry Sunday ~ I Am Here

Jer. 23:4 “And I will set up shepherds over them which shall feed them: and they shall fear no more, nor be dismayed, neither shall they be lacking, saith the LORD.”

I am here

I am here Lord thirsting for your presence

Carry me away in the fruit of your essence

I am here

I am here

I am here to bask in your radiant light

Bathed by your breath in the midst of my fight

I am here

I am here

I am here Lord with the door open wide

Waiting for your touch to fill me inside

I am here

I am here

I am here with you Lord my arms raised high

I worship you Father with every tear that I cry

I am here 

I am here

I am here like a shepherd that sheep will follow

I am also the carcass all empty and hollow

I am here

I am here

I am here waiting for you to carry me home

To the place where shepherds and sheep freely roam

We are here

We are here

All praise and Glory to God!

Matt. 9:36 "But when he saw the multitudes, he was moved with compassion on them, because they fainted, and were scattered abroad, as sheep having no shepherd."

You're Not Alone

Proverbs 11:2  “When pride comes, then comes disgrace, but with humility comes wisdom.”

You're Not Alone

Today I am humbled. My Biblical email was once again aimed right at me. What do I gain from these emails? Insight, insight to the realization I’m not alone. 

I often think about the women who have gone before me on this journey of what I deem The Pink Parade. The journey of a patient who decided to trust in the chemo route. For years they were poked and prodded, sliced and diced, radiated and drugged, only to succumb to the battle in the end.

Then I think of the women who went the same route and survived, they are the leaders of the Pink Parade. Then there are the women who made it halfway through the chemo route and said no way, there has to be something besides the vomiting and sickness and weakness in their knees. 

In the back of my mind are the women who went full throttle into the Natural route. These women are struggling daily too but no one hears the murmurs. No one connects to the pain that they endure on a frequent basis. They’re out there alone, sometimes with no connections, friends, or family to help them along. It is to them I wish my voice to be heard. You’re not alone!

James 1:2-3 “My brethren, count it all joy when ye fall into divers temptations; Knowing this, that the trying of your faith worketh patience.”

After the couple of weeks I’ve had, of feeling so alone and isolated in a world overflowing with people, the Word steps right into my heart and soul in the strangest and most mystical of ways. It gives me the clarity that I am not alone and never will be as long as I hold His Word snuggled close to my heart. There is a purpose to all of this and quite ironically, it is finding joy in my suffering.

I am humbled when I think of all of the women out there struggling, fighting, winning or losing, defeating or claiming victory, they’re out there, just moving on! 

Only through my suffering can I convey a message of hope. Only through this journey of my choice can I find the patience needed to get me through just one more day of living, writing, telling my story. Some days I cry out to God and say, “Please no more. I just can’t!” He lets me know quite frankly that, “YES YOU CAN!” When He puts it like that, I tend to sit up and listen to Him. He wants me to write. He’s given me a talent and if gone unused then I have wasted my life and His time but trust me, none of us are a waste of His time. 

James 1:22 “But be ye doers of the word, and not hearers only, deceiving your own selves.”

I’ve put a hold on scanning mounds of websites that hold information on this Natural Path I’m walking down. I found part of my struggle with this illness was due to too much information, then contradictory information that shrouded me in uncertainty. It then went on to cloud my judgment with a dose of paranoia. That had to stop. 

While I want to reach out and help all of the people I can, I need more time for healing myself right now. My research is now leading me to discover if my supplementation, my arsenal, has run its course and do I need to bring about a change in course. It’s a slow learning curve but heck, I have time to jump back in and research to save myself.

There are certain vitamins/herbs in my regimen that won’t be changed and mainly Vitamin C, D3, magnesium, selenium, quercetin, curcumin, turmeric, and of course my B12’s. I may add some vitamins A., B17, E, and K but research is still ongoing for those. I love learning but I love healing even more and with every passing day, my patience is tried and tested but I just keep moving on, day after day.

With these few passing weeks of a setback, I realized that it is not much unlike a derailed train, it takes time to get back on track, and no swift kick in the butt or change of cars is going to make it a speedy transition. Time, patience, humility, and determination will see that the train gets back on track.

While we live in a NEW generation of toxic exposure, some may feel that glyphosate, Round-up, GMO’s are not going to have an impact on their lives. My how wrong they are in that assumption. If your children or grandchildren were born in the seventies and eighties, I can guarantee 100% those toxic exposures are impacting their lives, their children’s lives, and YOUR life. We live in a generation now where we have a great percentage of our population addicted to drugs. The pharmaceutical industry has impacted your life! Drugs are toxic, plain and simple. Autism, ADHD, MS, autoimmune disorders are all at an all-time high. All of these diseases are impacts of the toxic generation.

Taken from the site Autoimmune causes: 
BOTTOM LINE:
Researchers don’t know exactly what causes autoimmune diseases. Diet, infections, and exposure to chemicals might be involved. 

Read that and listen loud and clear, the 21st century and we STILL don’t know the causes but they expect us to be led like cows to slaughter and just accept what it is, a way of life. *I* will not accept my disease as a way of life! That is what’s happened over the years, people have had their heads buried in the sand, or now their iPhones and no longer look up to see the reality of death that is consuming the world and their very own families.

I AM NOT ALONE! YOU are not alone! There are thousands of people like myself who have lifted their eyes and see the world for what it is, a toxic wasteland, just as it is in the movie Wall-E. I can’t just turn a blind eye to the brunt of the truth before me. My grandchildren, my nieces and nephews and their children are all going to be living in this wasteland and we’ve done nothing to stop the invasion of garbage except just leave everyone alone, mind your own business and just live! Accept it as 'it is what it is'.

The way I see it [life], we all got a raw deal! It’s what we do with that raw deal, like change it into a banquet of blessings for the future generations or stick your head back in the sand. Life will go on for generations to come. Some will get to see the New Earth some will be too busy trying to get their heads out of the sand. 

Isa. 66:22 “For as the new heavens and the new earth, which I will make, shall remain before me, saith the LORD, so shall your seed and your name remain.”

Rev. 21:1 “And I saw a new heaven and a new earth: for the first heaven and the first earth were passed away; and there was no more sea.”

This mornings dawning of a new day! 

GOD BLESS ONE AND ALL!

And I Wait...

Pss. 59:9 “Because of his strength will I wait upon thee: for God is my defence.”

And I wait…

I don’t know what to think and I really don’t want opinions of what I should do. These past two weeks I’ve had a setback. I mentioned it before with all that’s happened and I feel the setback was the wheat bread and the eating of the toxic grains.

I’ve eaten all these wonderful foods all of my life and never in a million years would I imagine something so good for you could be one of the elements causing this disease in me. I’m not even fifty-five years young and already I’m being affected by the strong-arm of an illness that has laid its hands on me, gripping me, expecting me to ‘submit’. I can’t do it. I won’t give up on God like others have done, I just won’t!

I hear people say they care about me but in all honesty, I don’t feel it. How can months (sometimes years) go by and people say ‘I care about you’ and nothing more? How is that caring? You thought about me? Because you think about me and my suffering, that’s caring? I just don’t get it. 

I’m trying to be okay with people passively thinking about me when it’s convenient for them. I’m trying to understand why I sit alone crying my eyes out and no one to listen to me or hug me and say it will all be all right. Just a comforting hug could go a long way in my isolated world.

I notice people give up too easy too. If they’re trying to lose weight, and it doesn’t happen instantaneously they give up. If they pray, and the prayer goes unanswered they give up on God for not being quick with a response. I’ve seen people give up on God who has received miracles, then just gave up with all that hokey stuff and lived life for themselves now that the miracle is over; enough time has passed, they should be safe, right? I guess so, if that is what you believe.

I myself feel I received a miracle of the regaining of my walking ability. For a couple of years the pain was so bad I was relinquished to using a cane and allowed onlookers to pity me with their eyes. People don’t realize their eyes are like speakers when sizing people up the volume is set to high and the bass is felt loud and clear from the person you draw eye contact from. I don’t need the eye contact to feel the faces of pity looking at me.

Since my diagnosis, I’ve come a long way in regaining my strength and the ability to walk, so much so I proudly traipsed around feeling invincible. No one is invincible; a few slices of bread and overconfidence will knock you on your butt and take it all away with one night of sleep. Let me tell you if you don’t have those backup supporters who say, ‘they care about you’ the fall hurts even more.

I’m a mess this week. I had a bad day that led to a couple more bad days and now I try to pick myself up from the rubble I’ve left strewn about the place. I’ve needed a good strong physical hug but even that is scarce because my pain is so bad, it hurts to have a hug. I’m straining to see the light at the end of the tunnel that I know is there. When the pain is so overwhelming it is hard to see or hear anything.

I love the fact that people turn to me for strength, direction, assistance, aid in helping them but in times of my hurting, those tasks are impossible so I shy away from the very venue of that portion of love I receive. I’m hurting, how can I help someone when I’m in the throes of a setback and no one can visually see how bad my days are, again because ‘they care’ but not enough to consider I might be having a hard time or bad day myself.

I want to gently show my friends that while I’m having this hard time, I still can see the light way off at the end of the tunnel. My tears stream, my pain unbearable, my cries to the Lord louder than ever and the echo, the echo of my voice is haunting. In the days of these struggles, the scripture that stands out to me is from Isaiah 40:31

 “But they that wait upon the LORD shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings as eagles; they shall run, and not be weary; and they shall walk, and not faint.”

I have a birthday coming up and I’m not even looking forward to the day. It’s just another day. That’s what people say when they get older, y’know? A good thing my son, who is young, says it now so he has no false illusions about the world around him. It’s just another day. I should get a plaque stating that and hang it on the wall! 

Along with my setback comes grumpiness, bitterness, and downright insensitivity. This is the point where I’m supposed ‘to think’ but I don’t. I put no rein on my thoughts or insensitive blurts. I fail. I don’t think of others and how they might be feeling when I boast of my weight loss when they can’t lose a pound to save their life, or my lack of pain when there’s has them bound to drug relief, or my rejoicing in how great I’m doing walking with a bounce in my step and light in my life. Maybe they want to hear the hard-grained steps I have to bear to wake up each day in the light of optimism. Maybe they long to hear of a setback so they can say ‘aha, I knew you should’ve gone another route’. I’m on the edge about to fall over the cliff and can’t find the upbeat rhythm of words they need to hear to get through their bad day. So there, I’m having a momentary lapse.

I have a loving relationship with God and I know we’ll get through this band of pain together. I wonder sometimes if people think that God has a special light set to shine just on my face but let me tell you, God’s love has no perimeter, His love for us is as personal as any loving relationship we’ll ever have in life. He has no preferential treatment for just me. He loves us all the same. Do we all love Him the same? I don’t know. I think we all try but we all have that period of ‘now we wait’, how each of us handles this period of patience is most definitely different! 

1 John 4:13 “Hereby know we that we dwell in him, and he in us, because he hath given us of his Spirit.”

Poetry Sunday ~ Two Alpha Males

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Gen 4:9 “And the LORD said unto Cain, Where is Abel thy brother? And he said, I know not: Am I my brother's keeper?”

Two Alpha Males

Two Alpha males; stiff raised tails 

Evident hate for one another

Circling around with insolent sound

not friend, not father nor brother.

They’ll never know the daily blow

my soul had to take for them.

They’ll never know the pain although

they pool in their self-made phlegm

They think they’ll undo all that’s done

though no one holds the power

to fill my soul in a crumbled soup bowl

in their passive clouded shower.

Their souls misaligned I can’t define

the mismatched ego's they boost.

No one saw the pain; my time in the rain

Abandoned was I to roost.

Will one of them dare to give a care

for the woman they leave behind?

Grieve all alone, no soul of their own

I’ll soon be gone from their mind.

It pains me to say to this very day

the males make the path they take.

No Omega to roam the place called home

their lives a shattered earthquake.

May one day they see the deserted me

while chancing my love with their dance

I’m not impressed with fist thumping chest

Drifting alone I advance.

God be with you both 

Isa. 40:6-8 “The voice said, Cry. And he said, What shall I cry? All flesh is grass, and all the goodliness thereof is as the flower of the field:

The grass withereth, the flower fadeth: because the spirit of the LORD bloweth upon it: surely the people is grass. The grass withereth, the flower fadeth: but the word of our God shall stand for ever.

Gateway to Health: Confidence

Pss. 118:8 “It is better to trust in the LORD than to put confidence in man.”

Confidence

Throughout scripture, I can find dozens of verses building me with the confidence I need to move forward. Ones where God promises to never let me down in times of trouble (and when there is no trouble also). 

As a child, I lacked confidence and had very low self-esteem. I had no confidence in moving from one day to the next. Suicidal thoughts were my companions throughout many years of my life. Venturing into a strained marriage as a child at seventeen, left me carrying the burden of a mental illness that I felt consumed him more than me. I told myself that I was the strong one. In hindsight I realize I was just as crazy as him. 

My first sexual encounter with him was that of statutory rape as I was fifteen and he was nineteen. But since I had been sexually abused years prior, I didn’t know the difference in sex and love they meshed like clouds and sun. Sex down by the grainy railroad tracks was not my idea of an ideal love story in the making but I went on for twenty years married to him all in the name of love. I guess I was as warped as him. My question all along was, would God save me? Would He get me out of this mess I got myself into? 

God enabled me to be free of the disaster of a marriage with a young child in tow and an angel that had passed over when I was sixteen. My hard knocks crippling marriage would have come to an end even if I was the only one who saw the enduring mental illness that carried the marriage into the roadblock that awaited us. 

Confidence was never my friend. I saw other girls, and then women look like torches in the darkened night, going forward with their hair blowing in the wind. They were free to carry the light and they did so with grace and confidence even if their inner turmoil was present, they had families supporting them, friends surrounding their inner circle, and they might have had a God that guided them. I don't know but from the outside looking in, they were the epitome of confidence.

Matt. 18:20 “For where two or three are gathered together in my name, there am I in the midst of them.”

My fairytale was never so elegant. Mine was crawling in the pits of ashes, clawing my way from one disaster to another. Yes, I had God by my side, but what I didn’t have was two or three gathered. I was alone and lonely in my mind most of my childhood and adult life and the fight was my own while everyone else was floating forward in life. I was scraping my knees to get by, nothing more; I lived only to one day die.

Then in 2002 things began to change. Life was breathed into me. I felt a new reason to live and that was the fairytale kind of love that knocked on my door; all I had to do was leave everything (EVERYTHING, except my child) behind and go forward. I was no longer on my knees; I was being whisked away by the light and love that other people, the floaters, experienced. Leaving the alcohol and drug-induced dysfunctional family behind was a little easier than I  had ever imagined. 

To say that the next fifteen years were an easy breeze would not be true. I had to adapt to a new way of living; new family to embrace. Living six years in Texas was just the cocoon phase of my metamorphosis. I would be part of a team, him and I; I would be enmeshed in my dream of the writing world, I would love and be loved back, maybe for the first time in my life! Granted my family back home loved me, to an extent, I was out of sight and thus out of their mind. 

My heart and life grew ten sizes too big when he and I were forced to move to Nebraska, the hometown of my hubby and his ever-loving God enriched family. This was everything I ever sought in life, to love and be loved. I had online friends who grew into a family to me; I had spiritual friends who I knew were only brought to me by the hand of God himself. I had family that was close by and that accepted me with all my quirkiness and tales in tow, they all loved me!

This might sound a little crazy coming out of left field but this disease is just one of the best things ever to happen to me. How many of you can say that? I was given a second chance to embrace life. Change the things I KNEW were wrong. I'm allowing people to see that there is confidence in being supported one way or another. Support is not people saying, ‘Oh I’m so sorry this is happening to you,’ support is people watching you walk through the coals of fire and standing on the sidelines saying they know you can do it, thatta girl, way to go!

When this diagnosis smacked me in the face I wanted to live like never before. I wanted God to use me for His purpose and maybe this time with the support of spiritual friends and marital family, and my niece Sara from back home, I wouldn’t be alone in my walk. They would surround me with the support I needed and I would now be the torchbearer walking forward in confidence leading them with the Light I carry.

Pss 118: 5-6 “I called upon the Lord in distress: the Lord answered me, and set me in a large place. The Lord is on my side; I will not fear: what can man do unto me?”

Food, Food, Food

Pss. 104:14 “He causeth the grass to grow for the cattle, and herb for the service of man: that he may bring forth food out of the earth;”

Food, Food, Food

I think I need to clarify something for my readers, FOOD! Food is not a problem for me anymore, I’m enjoying this forced protocol more than I ever have in these past nine months, my problem is, and I’m WORKING ON IT, is being around festive happy carnivores eating the meal offered as if they hadn’t eaten in weeks, shoveling food into their mouths, getting a second huge helping, then adding a sweet scrumptious dessert to their faces. Then listening to them complain about their weight and how they need to shed some pounds.

Scents conjure images and memories for me. Have you ever walked into a church with polished wood and marble floors and an image or memory floods the mind? Ever walk into a library and the aroma of thousands of books smack you in the face bringing back memories of the good old days when libraries were the actual source of information? Ever walk into a bakery and your mouth begins to water, then scanning the shelves your stomach begins churning, craving the delectable sweet? THIS is the problem I have, memories! I don’t get to decide when they’re turned on and turning them off isn’t a trait I’ve acquired yet.

No, I do not miss the food I used to eat. I’m really doing well on passing up gobs of macaroni and cheese, bread and mayonnaise and the occasional meat that went through the doors to my stomach. I wish I had changed my diet sooner but I didn’t really care because never having a weight problem, the food tasted good.

I was never a big meat eater; I usually ate meat when in a family gathering, meat and potatoes were all that was offered and I never went for dessert. While desserts smelled good and looked tasty, I was never a big partaker of sweets either. So no, I don’t miss meats and sweets.

I think, not sure, what I miss is camaraderie. Food brings people together. Think about it, you go food shopping once a week, you’re all gathered in the store doing the same thing buying food for your family. In that one moment, you are mingling with people with like agendas, satisfying your family. What has happened in my family is separateness. Adam shops and buys his food, hubby buys his meats, eggs, and potatoes and me I hit the veggie section.

Then there are the separate dinners; Adam makes his food, hubby makes his or I put it on for him and my meal is totally different. And we no longer sit at the table together. Adam likes watching his phone, hubby and I watch reruns of old TV shows on his computer and it feels like in this year, we’re all going in different directions where once we had unity, togetherness. Adam has also chosen to work on Thanksgiving. I’m okay with that because I don’t have any plans anyway.

Memories - my memories of childhood were of us, never eating together as a family, we all did our own thing. Don’t get me wrong, my mother made some delicious meals and when I was old enough, I’d start the meals in a slow cooker and basically it was a first come, first serve basis, grab a TV table and go plop in front of the television. Unless it was Thanksgiving, that was the day we all ate together as a family, even my father joined us at the table.

Maybe during this season, I’m melancholy, not depressed, and yes I do know the difference. I only get depressed because of the deaths that have invaded my holidays. That could just be melancholy too. The holidays elicit feelings, aromas give rise to memories, sights and sounds awaken the melancholy beings that we are. Gatherings make me think of family and togetherness.

Yes, I could cheat and eat my heart out for just one day, but wouldn’t that defeat all that I’ve accomplished in nine months? My stomach is different now; it reacts to foods going down the tube differently. Meat turns my stomach, sugars churn the cells inside and they react to what I place in my mouth. Cheating is only cheating myself, no one else. I don’t eat to please others, I eat to survive, just like everyone else, except my choices of food, are quite different in my survival mindset.

I’ll go on with the holiday as my happy-go-lucky self. When people ask how I’m doing I’ll tell them fine, if they ask questions I’ll smile and tell them I’m not really up to a Q & A session. I just want to visit and enjoy their company and being the Walton clan I see them as, they’ll understand, go on with the day and enjoy their non-heart healthy meal. It is THEIR life, not mine. I live to seek eternity while others live to basically die. I’m finding that there is more to life than eating, living and dying.

1 Tim. 6:8 “And having food and raiment let us be therewith content.”

“God Bless Everyone”

Be Still...

Pss. 46:10 “Be still and know that I am God.”

Silence

Have you ever tried listening to the sound of God’s voice? Try as you might you can’t because of all of the noise surrounding you. Sure you’re alone in the house, windows and doors closed, your place is silent but it is so silent that you can hear a clock ticking, a refrigerator humming, a car passing outside, sirens blaring, winds stirring, or your neighbors hanging a picture. Where is the silence in that?

Being ‘still’ is not just about sitting completely still and then waiting to hear God’s voice. You need to be in complete silence where this day and age, complete silence is fleeting. Even in the woods, there is no silence as birds call out, trees sway in the wind, leaves are rustling, water sometimes flows downstream, and silence is always disrupted by a noise. While nature has a host of sounds they’re not as distracting as life away from nature but not everyone can live surrounded by nature, now can they?

To seek and find God’s voice in the murmurings of the day, to hear His voice you need to hear nothing but silence, be still and breathe in the silence of the moment. Try it, can you? For fifteen minutes a day can you turn off the distractions of work, the computer, the washer, the noise, can you find silence somewhere in your day? You think you can but there will always be a noise to distract you and pull you away from God’s voice whispering in your ear.

I think I realize why I love the cold snowy season so much. For the very reason that out in the middle of nowhere, where I’m located, the snow renders the farms silent, the only sounds are the wind, even the trains often heard in the distance become silenced. It is during these times I can have a most meditative walk with nature and listen for God to whisper in my ear. It is at these times I talk to him too in a most silent and peaceful surrounding; I feel as if I’m touching a little bit of heaven.

I think humans are a lot like trick-or-treaters on Halloween. First of all, they dress up and put on a costume for the world outside their home to see; then they’re always going from house to house, city to city, job to job searching for a treat of some sort to make them happy, a quick-fix so to speak. For some reason, they cannot find the overwhelming peace that is needed to get through a day nevertheless a month or year. While I understand that not everyone is open to God or even cares to listen out for Him, they seem unhappy at any event that passes in their life. They claim happiness but deep inside when it comes down to it when they rest their head on the pillow at night, sleep eludes them.

They’ll blame medication, they’ll blame insomnia, they’ll point fingers at the noise of the stirring of the cauldron but they won’t blame themselves for the inability to find peace. The world is addicted to noise that distracts people from finding inner peace, from finding that still small voice of God.

I’ve always been a person who prayerfully meditates, listening for that still place of peace where I hear the words of God, and I do understand that not everyone has the ability to find that place because of all the noise, noise, noise. Yeah, I may have channeled Dr. Seuss on that one but you understand. You’ve tried without success to be still, but it is hard to be found oftentimes because our minds are the loudest noises we hear. You find yourself over-thinking a situation, a bible verse, a chore, a drive, or maybe loneliness. Those are noises that need to be quieted.

Now that I’m among millions in the throes of an illness, I seek even harder to find that silence brewing inside of me. Without my prayer and meditation, I would’ve never embarked on the journey of alternative treatment. I feel with every fiber of my being that God placed me on this path because He too knew I was ready. I cannot speak for others and their journey, or to those who have no God, I can only speak for myself because right at this moment in time, this is MY journey.

I try to share my journey with you so you can see that while I am one of the sinners and noisemakers of the day, I find that still small voice of God trumpeting in my ear for me to come and follow Him and it is only then that I can find solace in my healing journey. We have all sinned and fallen short of the glory but I tell you now, even if it is the last resort for you, finding yourself at the mercy of Gods feet will find you some peace in moving forward on the railways of life. May you find the peace that a still small voice will give to you.

Pss. 32:7 "Thou art my hiding place; thou shalt preserve me from trouble; thou shalt compass me about with songs of deliverance. Selah."

Stress and the Net

Psalm 124:2-5 (NIV) “If the LORD had not been on our side when men attacked us, when their anger flared against us, they would have swallowed us alive; the flood would have engulfed us, the torrent would have swept over us, the raging waters would have swept us away.”

Stress… and the net

There’s a little too much stress going around the internet these days, stress I can not tolerate at this time. I really try to put a handle on it, but in the state of this disease that’s ravishing my cells, I need to control what stress I allow in and what stress I contribute to.

I’ve always been intrigued by weather so when Harvey was headed for Galveston Texas, I kept up to date on when it would hit, where exactly it would hit and the damage. I take devastation very seriously and deaths are nothing to joke about. 

After Harvey pummeled Houston, I began to watch a couple more storms snaking their way through the waters. The jokes from people not directly affected by the storms kind of took a sick and twisted turn. I think damaging a soul for the sake of a laugh is not of good character. You might find it funny and humorous that people are losing not only their lives but also many have lost their homes, their livelihoods. I don’t find it humorous, I’m sickened and saddened by the childish acts of supposed adults.

I didn’t retreat from the social media world when I should have because that is where the majority of my friends reside. I like to read and see what everyone is up to and I also like to be informed about the BC group and what is going on in the lives of other newly diagnosed patients trying this here alternative method. I aim to help but I realize that I’m not as well informed as I thought. Well for me, I am as informed as I’m going to get for now. Apparently, my first month of this crud I inundated my system with some great information.

I look to aid others in this quest but more times than not my words and assistance are shot down by those who know more than I know. I think also because I’m not needy, I’m informative and that threatens people sometimes. You see, every crud is different so what works for me might not work for them and vice versa, what works for them might not work for me. If I try to contradict what they’re saying I feel badgered so I pull myself away and into isolation I go. I sit back and listen but then the overload of information gets jumbled. I’m done trying to dissect all the information as it comes into view. I slowly back away.

Then another hurricane, Irma, took aim after devastating the Virgin Islands in the Caribbean then the beast set its sights on the U.S.! Trees and homes were chomped away like fried chicken and taters as the monstrous hurricane chewed its way through not only trees and homes but also lives. Irma was now setting her sights on Florida, another state with friends of mine. I can tell you, they were not the ones making jokes before or after.

After I made sure my friends were all okay, I chose to step back and take a breather. Away from the word cancer, away from people, away from drama, away from the stress drama causes, away from ignorance and hate and just isolate me and build strength in the Word!

While I can’t do much more than pray for the victims of the hurricane's devastation, my prayers will have to be a sufficient enough form of caring for those who’ve lost so much. While it does take the focus off of me, it hurts me to read and listen to the tragedy everyone has had forced upon them. While my heart bleeds for all involved, I feel selfish in caring for myself. I’m battling a deadly disease, these people are battling a tragedy also but at least they’re alive, for now so am I.

And to those who find humor in this devastation, I pray for them and their lost souls. Next thing you know they’ll be joking about cancer, oh no wait, that more than likely has touched their lives so no, they won’t joke about that. Our world is being consumed by its own form of cancer and while I like laughter as much as the next person, death and devastation are not the place and time to find humor.

Hebrews 13:5b, “For God has said, ‘I will never fail you. I will never abandon you.’”(NLT)

The Tunnel Season

Job 6:11 “What is my strength, that I should hope? and what is mine end, that I should prolong my life?”

The Tunnel Season

I’m calling this the tunnel season because this is the season of my life I trek through a long dark tunnel. I don’t know if any of you have ever been in an underwater tunnel that gets you from one side of the city to the other side but back home, we had TWO. The Harbor tunnel was a long stretch, dimly lit four-lane tunnel, two lanes in and two out. I remember when I was a kid my mother always dreaded driving through that tunnel as fear and claustrophobia gripped her. She would often choose the route through the congested city to get to my aunt’s house instead of putting herself through the trauma. The tunnel runs 1.45 miles under the Inner Harbor.

When I began this journey of a lifetime back in January, I thought the walk through the tunnel would be difficult but definitely doable. I’m about two or three city blocks into the tunnel and the end is not in sight yet and I’m feeling my own claustrophobia rattle my brain. I chose to walk through the tunnel and not go through the city streets to reach my destination; I chose to take the hard, isolated, lonely way.

You see, to me, the chemo slice and dice method is taking the route through the city. There are benches placed at bus stops for you to rest, there are blinking crosswalk signs to get you safely across the street, there are even garbage cans along the route for you to dump any extra baggage you might be carrying. Me, in the tunnel of solitude, I don’t have those luxuries. I have gas emissions from the cars (toxins) to inhale; I have dim lighting (people for me and against my choice); I’ve chosen to walk the walk as opposed to driving, and thus far, it feels as if I’m walking on my hands.

My life has been turned upside down and there is no dispute about it, this is the challenging route. I’m a quarter of a mile in the tunnel and it seems one of the cars broke down up ahead. It started out an empty tunnel, a car here, a car there but now as I look ahead, I see the backed up cars. This journey isn’t getting any easier or lighter to bear, no this is getting more difficult and heavier than expected. I expected ups and downs, stops and starts, but I wasn’t expecting a traffic jam where everything comes to halt and looks as if the jam is not a jam it’s a crash that emergency crew help is having trouble getting to the scene. They’re not here for me anyway.

I’ve been a little depressed lately as my three illnesses battle each other with each one individually wanting to take front and center. With my arthritis, I have a swelled typing finger and a right knee that is pained feeling what little weight I have left bearing down. My psoriasis gets inflamed with sun exposure and this other crud I’m carrying NEEDS the sun as a vitamin D natural source. Then my neck started in with its seething pain. I believe it to be from sleeping wrong but the pain won’t let up and I’m not willing to take pain medication.

Then the eclipse happened and things took a weird turn. Just weird things started happening and I want to attribute it to the eclipse but the reality is, crud happens. Besides the spectacular orbs in the sky shadowing each other, then there's the echoing posts on Facebook and the other day my trusty laptop stopped connecting to the modem. It’s been fine for eight months but suddenly just stopped working and my tech savvy man is finding it difficult to fix. Then there’s the concern that in January when my vitamin supplements run out, the funds are depleted, I will battle on empty handed. That’s just the way my life is, drag me behind a fast moving car and let’s see if I live. Never a dull moment. This is it. I hope I can climb out of this funk because as it looks right now…it’s gonna be awhile.

Then I feel SO petty with my mundane complaints when thousands are out there struggling through the Storm of the Century, Hurricane Harvey hitting Houston! I pray, I meditate and I cry, all stress that is not doing me any good. 

Everyone pretending to be happy shakes my faith in society as a whole. Now some people are finally starting to see what I’ve been seeing for months now how we are basically under a governing regime. From food, water, to medical needs the government turning a blind eye except where their money is concerned. I am left to wonder…

Thank you to all who stood stoically by my side. And to the ones who don’t give a flying fig but pretend you do…. I got nothing.

Job 7:6 “My days are swifter than a weaver's shuttle, and are spent without hope.”

They'll Never Know

Gen. 18:21 “I will go down now, and see whether they have done altogether according to the cry of it, which is come unto me; and if not, I will know.”

They’ll Never Know

They’ll never know the loneliness I felt, the emptiness that resided in me. They did nothing and could have done everything. They left me, isolated and alone, out in the pastures of life.

They’ll never know the hours I spent staring out the window, chasing birds with my mind wanting to fly away from the very sedentary life I live. I wanted to live but no one, nothing gave me options, they left me alone.

I am the plague that they fear catching. The disease that they’d rather keep away from their life; the very fear that festers inside of them that they’ll one day have to face alone. It’s no fun this solitude that haunts my mind. It saddens me to think I will die and they’ll never know of my life, my real life.

They’ll see the pictures I painted for them, the fragments as breadcrumbs dropped on the ground for them to follow. They’ll never find the real source of my pain because it is dwelling in them, they’ll never know. They’ll never know that the picture is false; the painter is never the painting it is just an expression of what they see. I am the artist creating an illusion of a world you’ll believe. I am the game endlessly played never to be won. I am your addiction, the one thing you need to be real.

Deep down I am the smear, the painting went wrong, the mistakes you’ll never see. I am the routine never to be broken. I am the vase sitting on the shelf with no flowers. I am the desert, dry and never to be rained upon. The hour never to be changed, the life day in and day out staring into a windowed world sharing a love for people I’ll never meet, a spiritual family that deeply cared from afar.

They’ll never know the turmoil I faced. They’ll think I was strong because I never allowed the shards of glass to cut them open. I only allowed the brokenness to shut me down to leave me vulnerable to what it is that surrounds me in my physical world. Alone, I am alone and pained by my surroundings. 

They’ll live thinking they did everything and knowing they did absolutely nothing. They’ll never know I was used, abused and diffused; a live wire with no connection to sustain the energy that thrives within me. I loved too hard, I shined too bright, and I was everything they were not nor ever could be.

There can be no healing as long as I’m demeaned, pushed down into the box and smothered. I spring forward like a jack-in-the-box daily with my polka-dot suit and painted smile I show everyone what they want to see. I make them smile waxing nostalgic over the times of their youth when they cranked the music and watched as the toy came bouncing into life. They never saw the real me, they’ll never know.

The blood, they claimed to love but they’ll never know that it was only I who loved and they shed me like dry skin to be swept away from the scene. I became the disease that they dreaded to see; they dared not look at. They went on in their fantasy playing charades and showing the world their imagined perfect life. They lived while I died, but they’ll never know.

To sum it all up, I was flourishing in the warmth of the sun, growing and turning towards the sunlight as the orb drifted overhead and I carried the rays like a candle into the night to show me the way. Then one day in all my splendor I was mowed over, severed and left in mere rubble, kicked about and wiped off the bottom of the shoe, I was done. To them I am nothing, to me I am all, to Him I am worthy. I am everything. In their obscured selfish bliss, they’ll never know.

Who are they? They are the ones who sat in their passive state and said they cared. They are the ones who did nothing as my body slowly withered and decayed. They are the ones who afterward wondered what they didn’t do carrying guilt like a different handbag of the week. They are the ones who went on, to live, to breathe. They know who they are but then again, they’ll never really know.

Ezek. 39:8 “Behold, it is come, and it is done, saith the Lord GOD; this is the day whereof I have spoken.”

Not Of This World

Psalm 19:1-2 KJV “The heavens declare the glory of God; and the firmament sheweth his handywork. Day unto day uttereth speech, and night unto night sheweth knowledge.”

Not of this world

I sometimes feel like I am not of this world. I look around and see foreign matter that I don’t understand and beg God for the clarity I need to see the layers within that keep me alive. The past four months have changed me even more so that I feel I am no longer a part of this world. I walk in the fog and see the Light in the distance. 

An intricate tapestry is beautiful on one side but on the back, it’s not so pretty; you see the remnants of threads, some strings and knots but you never see the full picture that’s on the front. God created everything that way. You need to look deep within a person to see the true beauty of Him. People may look not so perfect to your eyes on the outside but when you get to know the person personally, they are quite different. I may look beautiful to you on the outside but on the inside, my very cells are at war. There are death and destruction battling inside me that even me, the host of these cells, has no control over.

James 1:12 KJV  “Blessed is the man that endureth temptation: for when he is tried, he shall receive the crown of life, which the Lord hath promised to them that love him.”

I think it is in our nature to size situations up. It’s okay though as long as you don’t judge. In my sin, I most admittedly judge all situations I’m confronted with. I fall to my knees daily in repentance but I feel the Lord understands my weaknesses and fault and thus the reason he sent his son to carry the weight of mankind’s and my own sin. 

In all honesty, in my illness, I feel like I really size people up more than I ever did before. I look at the healthy and envy. I see them happy with life, I crave. I watch as smiles light their faces, I yearn. I fall to sleep at night and plead... for mercy.

I want to ask the whys. Why me, why now. But I know full well the answer. This is a part of my journey that God himself has chosen for me and in it, I will endure, persevere, and rise above knowing that we crossed this path together and me, I am promised a crown of glory if I hold steadfast.

Isaiah 30:15, “This is what the Sovereign LORD, the Holy One of Israel, says: ‘In repentance and rest is your salvation, in quietness and trust is your strength, but you would have none of it.’” (NIV)

From Bible Gateway – Lynn Cowell -“These difficult times in our lives can be the exact opportunities we need to learn not to quit. Here, we learn to be brave and to do the hard things again and again and again. In the tough places, we can learn that our God is faithful to help us; He will never leave or forsake us. That is when the bad thing becomes a good thing.” 

While I have decided to brave this storm in my life with the aided assistance of my friends and God alone (no doctors and tests), this road is one I’ve never wished to be on or would like to see anyone have to endure in their lifetime. Writing has been my saving grace for YEARS and at times, I don’t even feel like writing and expressing myself. 

While I can’t get my hands on the Sacred Plant (cannabis), I’ve watched testimonial after testimonial of people using the HERB to CURE this disease. I’ve watched as older men and women cross state lines to secure their aid with the healing regimen, only to feel wrong because they have to do something illegal that they would NEVER normally do. Their life depends on becoming basically a criminal to SAVE their own or their children’s lives.

Doctors are only concerned with drugs, the government is wrapped up in duct tape, while humans become victims of a society gone wrong. I watch as a regime dismantles websites and organizations set up to help patients, be taken down or ‘fidgeted’ with. I watch as millions possibly billions of dollars are spent on drugs and jails, bill after bill passed for texting and driving or drinking and driving, while MEDICINAL cannabis is taking the back seat on the trolley car.

While I’m up to twenty supplements a day, they could all stop with one little CBD THC pill, not the hemp oil pill which is legal in all fifty states. But it’s okay, while my friends send me to site after site, I am no longer interested in the cannabis lifeline. I cannot afford $130 for 30 hemp oil pills, I won’t go the illegal route, and I won’t crumble! While there is Hope and promise in the Sacred Plant, I’m holding onto hope in the Sacred One and Only. 

As God helps me to not feel so alien in this world I do say with a smile, “It’s about time.” Fifty years for God to show me I AM of this world. God is lighting my path in rays of sunbeams streaming through the fog. E.T. wants to go home but God replies, “It’s not your time!” I get it, I get it. A little more endurance and persistence, then will I go home? A mighty resounding YES!

Joshua 1:9 “Have not I commanded thee? Be strong and of a good courage; be not afraid, neither be thou dismayed: for the LORD thy God is with thee whithersoever thou goest.”

Signs and Wonder

Pss. 71:7  “I am as a wonder unto many; but thou art my strong refuge.”

SIGNS AND WONDER

I’m seeing the signs of healing and I wonder, is all of the hard work worth the time and effort to get to a healing point? I have to say yes because I know God has a purpose for everything. God uses pain and suffering to show you the miraculous. You might not see it as miraculous but trust me, to the individual the suffering is happening to, it is nothing short of a miracle.

It has been three months since the devastating blow to my ego, to my everyday life, to my harmonious routine, the blow to the core of my being. Why hadn’t I seen the signs leading up to this prognosis? Why did I ignore my instinct when any other time I listen wholeheartedly? I’ll tell you why I didn’t want it to be true. 

Back when I did a post Putting the Puzzle Together it made me think of those little pictures I used to do to connect the dots and in connecting the dots it formed a picture? Remember those? I used to have big thick coloring books filled with them. I loved putting puzzles together too and there is nothing worse than getting to the end of the puzzle and finding you’re missing a couple of pieces, or in connecting the dots you missed a number and the picture isn’t fully complete. 

I traced the puzzle pieces all the way back to childhood trauma of injury and the rancid acts of sexual abuse and have been mentally working on those elements to heal portions of me that need mending but I see I’ve missed a couple of pieces that were instrumental in completing the puzzle namely psoriasis. Why had I skipped it and left that major piece of the puzzle out? Shame? Embarrassment? 

In the past three months of researching the causes of this illness, I found a missing puzzle link in the fungal skin disorder psoriasis and another one in underwire bras. I know right, who would’ve thought? I’ve worn underwire bras my whole life and thought nothing of the warnings that they could cause breast cancer. I just thought they were trying to scare people but now I think differently. 

I have bought hundreds of bras in my lifetime and some have padding in them BUT there is a slot where you can slip out the padding? You ladies know what I’m talking about? Well, there are no slots to slide out the underwire. I hope by this posting and putting the thought out there, it will soon come to fruition and makers of bras will make slots to REMOVE the underwire, to protect women instead of worrying about making money off of them. 

As much as the Big C is a billion dollar industry, so are women’s breasts! We have organizations that fight for animal rights, for abortion laws, we have people fighting for the food industry but why are women not fighting for their dignity back? They continue to allow men to demean them in ways of Fredrick’s of Hollywood, where they are allowed television time to be displayed and flaunted all the way down to fast food restaurants like Hooters and Twin Peaks. It’s demeaning and degrading and women worldwide are allowing this to happen.

While I’ve made marked changes in my undergarment wearing, I’m seeing the signs of healing and no longer wonder. Rarely in my lifetime has my psoriasis cleared up, but now it has been clearing. I had irregular periods last year (due to being perimenopausal) but recently it has returned, when it would stop for months at a time. There are signs I need to look for since I have no doctor willing to do any tests to see my progress, I need to be vigilant and actually look and SEE the signs of changes. Hopefully, I’ll listen to my instincts this time if it tells me this alternative method is not working. Right now, it IS working and my healing is moving forward.

I’m aching in places that fill me with wonder. Every bump I feel, I wonder. Every bite of food that goes in my mouth, I wonder. Every day that passes I wonder. The difference is this, I don’t wonder out of fear, I wonder out of expectancy… the expectancy of HEALING taking place!  

Pss. 139:6  “I will praise thee; for I am fearfully and wonderfully made: marvellous are thy works; and that my soul knoweth right well.”

I Can Hear Them Now

2 Cor. 1:5 “For as the sufferings of Christ abound in us, so our consolation also aboundeth by Christ.”

I Can Hear Them Now

I can hear them now after telling my family of my cancer diagnosis. I understand the biopsy is needed to confirm the truth if that makes you feel better, but Breasts Specialists would NOT say the word ‘cancer’ if they thought one iota of cancer not being present. 

I can hear them now, hasn’t this girl already been through so much? Let me assure you, the answer is no! If you read my blog from the past eight years you’ll see that I’ve been through a ton of stuff from my husband going completely blind to his miraculous regaining of his eyesight, to my hefty back arthritis right up to my diagnosis of the ‘C’ word.

Now if you look at my life from birth up until now I might see a few people reaching for a towel to dry the sweat from their eyes.

‘You should stop with the pity party on facebook’ an unintentional hurtful comment that cut to the bone. I’ve been trying to give my family clues and hints (I changed both profile pics to the Breast Cancer symbolism). Just so you know, I have a facebook account where I’m lucky if I have 40 friends. It’s for family, my blood family. I have a Writing FB account for my writing and my Spiritual Family! Two different names, two different people in my eyes, but the prognosis the same for both. 

Pity Party? Is crying out for my family a pity party? Is wanting them to just feel my pain and love me in some way a pity party? Let me tell you, my niece was the ONLY one to pick up my messages, messaged me and google searched me to see ‘if I was still writing’ and guess what, she found out, without me opening my mouth.

I started this post before my oncologist visit yesterday. I notified family members that I wanted to know my business and like cockroaches afraid of the light, they scurried away from me instead of to me to lend support. 

My beautiful niece is about the only one 100% behind me on my thoughts and the route I want to take. It was obvious the Oncologists had a different route in mind and wasn't open to ANYTHING I was saying. Absolutely nothing!

I went in full of HOPE and positive thoughts that I was going to beat this and that we’d fight together in seeing the healing outcome. Three ladies surrounded me in cult fashion, the doctor, a navigator who’d then guide me to what the doctor just said and an observer. She confirmed that it was cancer, that it was small and treatable if we attack it now. But the mere mention of turmeric and holistic healing she became defensive as if on a battleground and SHE was the one in control, not me, not God, not plentiful, bountiful, healing, medicinal herbs!

She wanted to examine me and I didn’t want it, was told on Monday that this was JUST a consultation. Why do they LIE? She went on to examine me pressing on the tumor so hard, I woke this morning with a bruised left breast! I am not kidding or lying to you, no I’ll save that for the doctors.

Her battleground route? “We’ll do Chemo first.”
“Isn’t that what causes you to lose your hair.” 
“Yes, yes, you’ll lose your hair. That long beautiful hair. You probably had that since you were two.” 
Tears
Hubby, another tactic observer, (not for the physical exam mind you) piped in saying, “It will grow back.” 
“Easy for you to say, you’re a man.”
The three ladies giggled as if eating the cheese on a broken mousetrap.

I did not feel in control of my body, my illness, this was THEIR battleground and I was just observing what tactics they were going to use to fight the enemy. I was the ant and they were the grasshoppers. Personally, I wanted to be the bird!

Anger was boiling under my skin. 

They went on. The doctor spoke, “We’ll give you drugs so you don’t feel sick.” Almost a year of chemo and drugs to shrink the tumor, then they would cut what is left out of me, then they would radiate me to finish the job of ridding the field of the enemy. And no guarantees of HEALING!

“How about turmeric working WITH your tactic?” 
“We’re not knowledgeable enough in unconventional treatment.” 

Wait a minute, doctors are NOT knowledgeable about other successful, albeit unconventional, TREATMENTS? She kept looking up at the ceiling and as a person who understands and reads body language, that is the sign of a liar!

Hubby was excused from the inner circle. She went on to examine me. It hurt so bad I was in pain instantly from the pressure she applied to both of my breasts. Now keep in mind, one year of no doctor, no pain whatsoever. One week into seeing doctor’s and this morning my breast is BRUISED! 

Last week, the GP examined me, no pain. The breast specialist examined me, no pain. Mammogram squishy, no pain. Biopsy needles, tender pain, meaning it just left my breast tender to the touch. This visit, I had to come home and pop a naproxen instantly FOR the pain. The ONE HOUR wait for the doctor to finally see me didn’t help matters, it just made me think bad things about this office.

Hubby returned, for the ‘consultation’ with “The Navigator”. She wanted a PET scan scheduled TODAY if possible or Friday. My defense mode went up and into overdrive. WHAT? No talk about turmeric, curcumin? NOTHING? Just rush me into drugging me and radiate me? 

Those who know me know I never owned a microwave until 13 years ago. I had no clothes dryer, my clothes were all line dried by the sweet sunshine, I had no computer to get all of my information either. I used good old books and libraries for information! I was the picture of old school yet I was 37 years young. 

And here I am today being told, when all I’ve read about radiation was negative, I’m being told radiation was the end all cure all way to go. Hmm, I wonder why I don’t see it that way. “PRAY”- prayer after prayer, listening after listening, day after hope-filled day, this almost three-hour visit left me HOPEless! I left not wanting to LIVE or FIGHT, no, I wanted to DIE and be LEFT TO DIE! 

Alone, I’ve never felt so alone. I cursed, I screamed, I cried all of which did not feel like me, I felt their job of demon possession worked, I was now filled with RAGE, HATE, MISERY, and PAIN!

I came home ready to spit daggers at anyone who was unfortunate enough to stand in front of my spewed words. So this is what it feels like? To be full of anger and hatred and then want to spew it to the world so they could feel it too? This is quite sad. This is NOT NORMAL! It may be a normal reaction but can you imagine people waking and feeling like this daily and not because they have cancer either, many felt this exact way before, during and after the election year. Those poor souls, I feel your pain. Is this what it took for me to understand your level of slithering hate?

My niece, my beautiful niece, she immediately put me in touch with cancer survivor pages, herbs and testimony of hundreds of success stories, not the lab rats that the elite, ‘professional’, supposedly scientific pros spit at you. I prayed… I woke today… HOPE and the path the LORD has set before me. I’ve said it once and I’ll say it again, I want to be The Face of The CURE, not the face of the getting by on drugs.

I put it this way to my husband (who I don’t feel is behind me on this, by the way) it’s like the ice storm that hit a couple weeks ago. People were told to stay home, stay safe. (the chemo route).Wouldn’t you know it, people went out anyway? (Unconventional route) Did you hear about the hundreds (possibly thousands) that made it to their destination? No, of course not, you were fed the images of those who died trying to make their MONEY. 

Another instance, hubby went out into an extremely mud-thickened visibility fog, a day after the ice storm. He has one eye, so depth perception is already askew, but he went out anyway to get to work. He made it to work; he made it home safely as the fog (but not as thick) still clung to the atmosphere. He said he’d never do it again but I think he is fooling himself, he’d do it again, we need the money desperately, and he’d do it, he knows it!

He took the chance, he went the unconventional route but I’m supposed to just jump into the cult and allow them to surround me with their tempting fate? Why didn’t the words, “Feel free to get a second opinion” come up?
I think you know where I’m, going with this… I CHOOSE HOPE! LIVE OR DIE…I CHOOSE HOPE! I’m a Jesus freak and it will be the death of me for sure…but at least there is PROMISE in that route!

ALLELUIA AMEN!

1 Cor. 1:9-14 “But we had the sentence of death in ourselves, that we should not trust in ourselves, but in God which raiseth the dead:

 Who delivered us from so great a death, and doth deliver: in whom we trust that he will yet deliver us;

Ye also helping together by prayer for us, that for the gift bestowed upon us by the means of many persons thanks may be given by many on our behalf. For our rejoicing is this, the testimony of our conscience, that in simplicity and godly sincerity, not with fleshly wisdom, but by the grace of God, we have had our conversation in the world, and more abundantly to you-ward.

For we write none other things unto you, than what ye read or acknowledge; and I trust ye shall acknowledge even to the end;

As also ye have acknowledged us in part, that we are your rejoicing, even as ye also are ours in the day of the Lord Jesus.”