The Bombardment: Doubt and Fear

Baltimore, Maryland - Fort McHenry

The Star Spangled Banner was written out there

Pss. 57:6 “They have prepared a net for my steps; my soul is bowed down: they have digged a pit before me, into the midst whereof they are fallen themselves. Selah.”

This week and last week I’ve been hit with a bombardment of emotions. I’d wake in the morning to tears, look out the window and all I saw was a dense fog, so deep there was no seeing a light, a blade of dead grass or even a winterized tree, just deep snow packed lawn, fields and a mist.

It all began as a flurry of uncertainty the minute I accepted chemo as a way to heal this crud. If you all have been with me throughout this ordeal you’ll know I’m dead set against chemo (no pun intended) as this being any form of healing. I see chemo as a death sentence and I can’t get past this unnerving grating feeling deep inside me.

At the beginning of this trial, the only family member I told was my niece. She was the only one I trusted to care. My hubby told his family also. I had expected care and compassion to crawl out of the woodwork but say the words ‘alternative’ to a conservative nation, you’re going to be met with a bombardment of questions and doubts and a sort of wall to be built that you’re not allowed over. All negativity I tried to avoid came creeping in, in unexpected ways! 

Here I am two years into this affliction and I’ve grown and have learned so much! My diet was never bad, I’ve been 125 -135 pounds since I was in my twenties. I didn’t keep that weight because I pigged out on all the wrong foods with no exercise. No, I pretty much cared for my health until about five years ago when living in a carnivorous world finally caught up to me. All the meat and potatoes could not be excreted quick enough with exercise, that’s for sure! But two years ago, with this diagnosis, I dove into research on natural treatments and possible cures for one of the deadliest diseases that in over one-hundred years has found no CURE! 

I found that a plant-based diet and supplementation could be the secret to healing and in two years, I’ve witnessed the success of MANY women going this route. No surgery, no chemo, no drugs, just the fruits of the earth to replenish their damaged body. I tried that route and was succeeding until last year when my world came crashing down. I realized I needed more than the food and supplements to get through this and it was the only reason I tried Oral Chemo.

What I was not expecting is finding a doctor I liked (finally) and being met with lies and fear tactics. The first doozy came in the way of telling me I should focus on the tumor/lesion on my brain. “OOPS, I must’ve been reading the wrong file, sorry.” There was no tumor, that was just a fear tactic to get me to jump into chemotherapy! Then there were the months he told me my markers were going down when in FACT they were rising! 

Assuming once again I’d jump into chemo, “Stop taking your meds, they’re not working!” 

I stopped taking my meds, I didn’t jump into chemo, then the disease started gnawing at my bones! I could FEEL it, chomping and weakening me. Doc says, “Now start taking your meds again until we get in here and get the poison in your veins to fight the battle.” 

All of the hard work I did at building up my strength in physical therapy was dwindling. I at one time was the champ of the place, meeting and exceeding my goals but just yesterday I came home and could hardly bend my knee. I climbed into bed and wrapped ice packs at different parts of my leg.

Last week I hit rock bottom. Feeling isolated and alone. Everyone seemingly has abandoned me except for my husband, son, my Physical Therapists and my loving Spiritual Online family. They are my anchors in getting me through this. Whether it’s through faith, religion, or just a positive presence, these people are the ones I’ll credit with any healing that takes place!  

I’ll be the first to admit, in all honesty, I even felt like God bailed on me. I’m just dangling on the end of this thread and it’s about to snap but luckily I’m grotesquely underweight that even a thread can hold me. Doubt and fear knocked on my door and like a fool, I let it walk right on in. 

I fear the chemo won’t work. I doubt that it is the cure all I seek. The doctor tells me of a lady who has been on Herceptin for TWENTY YEARS, and she’s still alive. And I’m supposed to find hope in that? I don’t! I will not be on this poison for one year let alone ten or twenty. That’s ridiculous! I’m concerned that the chemo, as I’ve read in all of my research, will destroy my immune system. For two years I have worked to build up my immune system! As I watch friends get sick month after month with a cold, flu, and any other illness, I’ve been the picture of health except for this one debilitating illness. I actually care about living and work my tail off to secure my strong immunity, now is chemo going to come in and destroy all I worked to build up? Am I going to lose MORE weight? How much can this tiny frail body take?

Again, feeling abandoned, I prayed. In the wee hours of the morning, for hours, I prayed. I woke to this message:

Prov. 13:12 (ESV) “Hope deferred makes the heart sick, but a desire fulfilled is a tree of life.” 

That is exactly what happened with all the talk about chemo. It brought in negativity that I didn’t know how to deal with. I’ve shunned negativity for so long when it beats me over the head, I think it’s personal and wants to fight. I think that’s the city girl in me, always ready to battle. Chemo knocked all my hope out the door. 

So what is my desire? To live! I don’t want to live until I’m ninety, but a good seventy-five - eighty would be nice. There’s my hope, right there! 

The realization of HAVING to go the chemo route is this. My diet and exercise can only save so much of me. I live within one-hundred yards of a substation, an element that cannot be removed from this healing equation. Move? Not an option, it’s Nebraska, substations are a part of life. Money would help too, then I could move. Then there are crop dusters, dropping poison on the crops to save the crop from bugs while damaging humans in the process. Such is life, I’m surrounded by fields and fields of crop dusters. I also have dealt with black mold for the ten years here. Then there is the chronic illness I’ve had all of my life and that is psoriasis. Sure supplementation has put it to sleep over the years but I do deal with flare-ups on occasion. 

I’ve been back on my plant-based diet for about three weeks now. I will continue exercising as long as my broken body and weakened limbs allow. I'll continue to meditate and pray. I’ll waltz down the organic route, the non-chemical use of body lotions and sprays, shampoos and soaps. I’ll pursue doing my part of the healing, God will do His part in protecting me, and my family will continue doing what they do, live in a toxic world right along with me.

I will wake every day and see hope in the hopeless. I will pound through these doubts and fears. Next week will come and instead of tears, I will hold hope instead of kleenex. A smile in place of a frown. Joy instead of sorrow.  I heard yesterday someone say that the simplest form of bravery is choosing to wake and take a step. How true is that?

May God bless you all in the steps that you choose to take.

Closing Up Shop...Soon!

Gen 2: 2 “And on the seventh day God ended his work which he had made; and he rested on the seventh day from all his work which he had made.”

Some of you might or might not care but I am closing up my blog for a while. I have given you ample time to read my story, learn from all I’ve shown you and time to benefit from my hard work and research. I have not fiddled around once, I’ve given you my heart, my soul, and my truth. It’s time for me to rest, but not really rest.

Some will say for me to leave my blog open so others can learn from it, but honestly, if you’re not from my inner circle, you can read it when my story hits the bookshelves. If you’re from my inner circle then you should be fully aware of my story, my stance, and my advice. As for total strangers reading and gleaning from my words? They’ve had their chance and five to ten hits a day doesn’t warrant an open blog.

My Spiritually Family knows who they are! Daily or occasionally my link will slink up their newsfeed and they’ll click and read or roll and scroll. I’m okay with that because I am at peace with the timeframe of all that has happened, from diagnosis, to fracture, to healing to HOME. When all is said and done, it’s time to write and put together my story! I have nothing against self-publishing but I’d like to go a different route if possible. I don’t know, we’ll have to see where God leads me. And no, I'm not in a hurry, I'm going where God leads, not where man or the old selfish me wants to take me.

God’s not done with me by a longshot. He now wants me to focus on me; my writing, querying, my publication. As a writer you know the rules, my work cannot be anywhere on the net. Even as an unseen personal blog my works, my words, my strategy, and my end game are already out here for the world to see, as such, it is considered published work.  And yes, I’ve done my homework on that too, it cannot be already published and I am willing to give publisher's publishing rights to my work.

If you’re reading this now, know, you are my family, my friends, my supporters and followers who have watched me grow in writing and in life. Now I am going out into the fields of life to see what is out there waiting for me to blossom. Wish me Godspeed because I am once again, following where He is leading.

I will NOT cease to exist out here, I am going to become a somewhat reclusive writer who peeks out and checks on everyone from afar. You’re my inspiration, so I need to see what motivates you and keeps you going. My writing friends will KNOW where to find me, where this honing of my writing skill all began! 

My Spiritual Friends will spot a post or two from me on Facebook. I’m not going anywhere I’m just letting you know which way my writing is heading. If nothing pans out and I give up the ‘old let's get published’ game, I’ll let you know, but I think one thing you have all learned from me is, Joni never gives up!!! 

I wish I could thank you all by name but I can’t because each and every one of you hold a special place in my heart and life. If you click like on this post, I thank you, you’re the real people that keep me motivated every single day. If you like a post on my progress, you’re my growing Spiritual Family who really does care how I am doing. If you don’t like this post and a month down the line you wonder where my blog is, I’ll pray for you, you need more light in your life, I’ll pray! If you post a comment then delete it thinking I didn’t see it, I saw it, and now wonder. I pray for you.  God was out here performing a miracle and you missed the beauty of it all.

Maybe I’ll be inclined to start a NEW blog… a new adventure, whatever the case may be I’ll still be around, alive and the woman you’ve all grown to love. May you all find the truth I’ve shown you. God is alive and still in the business of seeing miracles through. May you all learn to understand HIS time and not selfishly of your own time. Patience IS a virtue. I’m living proof that the diagnosis of cancer is NOT a death sentence! Trust, faith, and patience! 

God Bless you and me on the journey of a lifetime! 

Angel Always... Godspeed! 

Home At Last...My Story Continues

Rev. 19:1 “ And after these things I heard a great voice of much people in heaven, saying, Alleluia; Salvation, and glory, and honour, and power, unto the Lord our God:”

Home at last...

Driving home for the first time in twenty days felt strange as I had not really been in the outside air except for the three-minute drive from nursing home to the hospital across the road. I opened the window and let the cool breeze kiss my face as the sun hugged me, welcoming me. Yes, there was sun instead of clouds on this day of my release from rehab.

I was a little nervous heading home because I had no idea what uncertainty was going to meet me at the door. All I knew was that it was home, and I was finally going there, a safe haven in which to rest. What felt like months in the hospital being shuffled from hospital to nursing home, to radiation on my leg, to the primary doctor and back to the hospital, it was all coming to a nerve-wracking end because I’d have to trust my husband on a different level more than anything right now.

My husband had been put through the wringer, thrown in the dryer and left there to wrinkle. In other words, this man was frazzled beyond recognition. I could see him in there but his mind, it looked as if it had been thrown in the frying pan and left to sizzle. No one noticed this, not his mother, his sister, no one but me and my son because we had to deal with him daily.  He was forgetful, distant at times, and extremely self-centered. He was trying to regain control of the world he lost,  something that looked normal but he knew, that time was a ways off in the months that lie ahead.

In the twenty days I was in the hospital he had locked his keys in the car at least three times, he had forgotten what I asked for from home almost daily and he had slept on the hard hospital sofa for ten days, not wanting to leave me alone in the hospital but was made to leave me in a nursing home and that laid guilt on him. I’m not telling you this so you can laugh and make fun, I’m sharing this because here was a dedicated-to-his-wife man, who had very recently put his dog to rest, now made to deal with his wife, not being the beautiful dependable homemaker that he fell in love with. He was wearing thin on many levels and it hurt me to watch.

Now he was driving me home where my care would be solely left up to him. Sure, a home healthcare nurse would come by twice a week, but as you know, there are seven days in a week. I  believe any man would be anxious in this situation where twenty days ago he didn’t know if his wife was going to live or die, it looked that grim from their perspectives. Sure his mom would offer to make a meal or two, but he needed more, more that none of us could give.

Now sitting in front of the house drew tears from my eyes like water from a well. I was no longer looking out a window hoping and praying, I was home, prayers answered. The tears flowed effortlessly before I even tried getting out of the car. Hubby was removing the wheelchair from the trunk, my son came from inside offering to help and I just wanted to sit there in the car and drink the reality of it all in. “Why not unload the car and let me sit here a few minutes?”

They complied and began carrying in vases and stuffed animals, blankets and clothes, boxes and bows. I was home. The shabby little rental house isn’t all that much to look at, but it has been my home for ten years, one where I made it a flower-rimmed home that even the owner of the property had mentioned how well tended this place was. Amazing what love can turn into beauty in the midst of ugly. I was home.

I called out to Riley, the dog who wandered onto the property two years ago as a stray and never left. Riley, who was nowhere to be seen, nor had been for some days the guys said. I called out and told her to come home, I’m here. She would come eventually, she always does. The guys said that when they put food out for her, it disappeared, but they never really caught a glimpse of her. 

I had to swing my pained legs out the door. I would need to get back into the car on Friday and all the days of doctor visits, so this has to go well! I pivoted to the wheelchair, gently sat, and after taking a deep inhale was pushed forward up my RAMP, that my bro-in-law built with no questions asked (or funds for that matter!)

Once safely in the front door, my eyes opened to a cascade of tears, I just sat and bawled my eyes out, crying, “I’m home! I’m home!” There was joy and fear, anxiety and pain but there was also my Lord waiting to carry any burden I brought home with me. 

I’ll continue this story in the coming weeks as I continue healing but today being New Year's Eve, you need to know how far I’ve come and am at on this day, two short months since I was released from what I deemed ‘the hellholes’!

My cancer markers have gone down drastically, leaving the doctors scratching their heads in amazement. The markers began in September at 2775, dropped in October to 1500, then to 875 in November! What do they mean? Cancer no longer likes living in my body- for now, I move on.

When I was released from rehab on October 5th, I was on a strict no weight-bearing regimen! I could not put any weight on my left leg and minimal on my right! 
Today, I still use the wheelchair but I walk with a walker (in the house and at physical therapy) and have just started practicing with a cane! 

My doctors, plural, have admitted that it was not just the oral-chemo that has had this miraculous change in my healing. Whatever I was doing (alternatively) was obviously in play here and working on healing me! 

The radiation I received for ten days was to my femur where they said cancer had spread, radiation zapped it away. More astonishing to the doc’s was the rare way my body was handling everything. No vomiting, eating regularly, no diarrhea, no pink peeling skin, no mouth sores, no fevers, etc. I was what the nurse said, “Our poster child for what stage 4 cancer healing SHOULD look like!" Words like awesome, amazing, fascinating were frequently heard with each office visit or from anyone I came in contact with really.

This weekend for the first time in three months, I reclaimed my home! Taking my time and being ever so cautious, I dusted and vacuumed, washed, dried, folded and put away two loads of laundry. I’m releasing my husband of those duties and hopefully, he can find healing also. 

What do I say is my source of healing? My God! Simply put, my AMAZING GOD! Prayer and the support of my friends and family. I never allowed my faith to wane, my trust in the Lord grew stronger. Through each pain, every sorrowful step that brought tears to my eyes, I cried out louder to my God, Thank you, Jesus! 

Now, what do I see for the NEW YEAR? My faith growing even stronger, my sharing of this miraculous healing with any and all, and I see the colors of the rainbow flourishing in my garden this spring. I see me walking around the house talking to my animals and giving my Riley plenty of belly rubs! Yes, she appeared when she sensed I was home. (It didn’t take too long)

I’m home… home at last! 

HAPPY NEW YEAR, my Spiritual Family! I could’ve never made it without your continued prayers and support!

Pss. 30:2 “O LORD my God, I cried unto thee, and thou hast healed me.”

ER 4: One Traumatic Event

Job 14:22 “But his flesh upon him shall have pain, and his soul within him shall mourn.”

ER 4 - The Traumatic Event

I was doing everything I was supposed to be doing. Taking care of myself, visiting the doctors I was supposed to and life was moving along. I had a stool in my shower so I could safely shower, I now had a bedside commode because the journey into the bathroom alone was too risky as well as painful, I had the walker and cane and everything seemed to be moving along fine. 

The orthopod, Dr. Wrong, had told me that surgery would more than likely mean a total hip replacement, after looking at more x-rays that the office did and that work on my right side would be risky since it was covered in cancer, the ugly cells that spread like wildfire through my bones. I told him I was on oral chemo and he arrogantly said that he offered nothing oral here and thanks for coming. I did not hit it off with this ortho and quickly made an appointment with another, Dr. No.

The second ortho’s opinion differed from the first one and mixed signals were rampant in my head. I realized that all the little stuff the doctors and nurses put into the computers they carry apparently is for their eyes only. Your information is not shared with the medical community (the doctors you’re seeing) as it should be so that everyone is on the same page. Mass confusion ensues.

My shower that day would be the last for three months. I felt a twinge in my left thigh and I just figured I hit a nerve trying to get out of the shower from my awkward shower-stool. My physical therapist had surmised that my sciatic nerve was damaged, but the ‘know-it-all-doctors’ and their x-rays said it was my disease, munching on my bones like a beaver!

The rest of the day went off without a hitch and both my husband and son were home able-bodied and assisting. My bed was the most comfortable spot to rest my weary bones so there I went, to relax for a bit. 

After dinner, I needed to pee and the commode being inches from me seemed like an easy task but as soon as I put any weight on my left leg, pain shot through my leg like a bolt of lightning singing its target. I screamed. My husband came running. I think that was the last time I saw the sound, stable mind of my calm man. Fear gripped his face like a Hannibal Lecter mask. It covered every portion of visible skin. He was now someone else.

I squirmed and writhed. The pain was intensifying as was the need to pee. I just wanted to pee in the bed but knowing I was on TOXIC CHEMO, I would’ve destroyed the new mattress. My bodily fluids were now a danger to anyone who came in contact with them, so precaution was needed. Twenty-four inches is not a lot of room for two people to maneuver someone to a commode but maneuver we tried, I made it to a seating position on the commode and I screamed like a woman in childbirth, my thigh had dropped. It was gone, disfigured and dangling, a portion of my thigh just hung there as my knee no longer was where my knee should be. Between my legs is not where a knee should be. Something was seriously wrong.

My husband looked at my leg and just short of vomiting, he said, I’m calling 911. “NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!” I screamed, in pain and a not-this-again yelp.

Yes...911 had to get me out of this literal twenty-four-inch hellhole.

I want to give all of the gory and painstaking details of the next hours after this point but as harsh as it is to read, it is even harder to write. Just know, this event was the one where I found the true living meaning of gnawing and gnashing of teeth. The pain was more intense than childbirth. Considering I’ve given birth three times (two natural) you will not read this and say 'no way'. Intense, piercing pain went on for days even with the strongest of drugs they offered.

Miracles were taking place and prayer was right there in the ER with me as the nurse held my hand and we said the Our Father as an x-ray machine was brought into the tiny cubicle to get a picture of this mangled mess before them. Their faces spoke volumes. They have seen the worst of the worst in this hospital and looking at my leg, their faces drained of blood. 

I, in my natural fashion, kept the atmosphere as light as possible and made lil jokes and comebacks as they asked for the umpteenth time my birthday and the one nurse even remarked calling me a little spitfire! The Lord did not take away my humor. In the depths of darkest pain, I cried out to Him and He kept intact what makes me special, my personality.

I was wheeled to a room, obviously going to be kept for a while and with each bump in the floor, I screamed in pain, the ER nurse held my hand through it all and even went to my room with me. She made some calls that night that went against the doctors' orders but honestly, I trusted her as I had yet to even SEE a doctor. Not calls that would put me in danger, calls that would help me, like a catheter and stronger pain medication. It was obvious to her I would not be using a bedpan for days and bless her heart for making that call!

They had to shift me from the ER bed to the bed in the room, and though I’m light, my leg was so mangled and twisted it took about six people to lift, shift, slide my body to the new bed. Tears and screams flooded the room and each nurse again, stood looking as pale as if they had just seen their dead relative walk in the room. They knew and understood the damage present.

An Asian doctor (Ming, not real name) came in and introduced himself. He looked at the nurses and knew my case was serious, the color had not returned to their faces. He informed me that my Orthopod was trying to make a call on my situation without even seeing me, ‘keep me in traction until he can get in to do the surgery on Monday.’ Dr. Ming took one look at my mangled leg and said ‘No! I call dr. here on duty. You need surgery on this leg.’ I and my husband gave him permission to do what needed to be done. 

A miracle walked in the door in the way of Dr. Slim, who was a fill-in for the original Dr. Wrong Orthopod I had seen and didn’t get along with, this doctor was here for a week doing his rounds. Tall, slender and handsome, the concern darkened his raised eyebrow. His lips were perched tightly shut as he knew he had to make a split decision. After looking at this disfigured leg in front of him, he made his call, we need to operate. The doctor overrode the ‘keep her in traction’ orthopod’s decision! Thank you, Jesus!

Now to get the sleeve that the paramedic had placed on my leg at home, to keep the leg from moving, off of my leg. Yeah, all that pain I had felt was with a protective sleeve on my leg, I did not want it removed but the doctor told me my leg would set that way and it would become almost impossible to fix.

The original ER nurse was still there, holding my hand and squeezing it tightly. They all knew about my stage 4 disease and that I was on oral chemo and practically a danger to society since I was now a toxic minefield. They didn’t care, I was the patient and their first priority. Those women became MY heroes!

Dr. Slim stood patiently with my heel in his hand, as the women went on, to slowly free the sleeve, gently and cautiously sliding it under my leg, and in between screams and clenching my teeth, and darned near breaking the poor woman’s hand, the sleeve was removed. Now, to get me to straighten the distorted injured leg.

It was now the middle of the night and yes, after holding my leg/heel for an hour, Dr. Slim did eventually get me to straighten my leg but I’ll spare you more tears and screams, the thesaurus doesn’t hold enough words to describe the angst I went through that morning.

The operation was early that morning and my husband and son were there with me before I went in. My mother-in-law postponed a trip she was going on that day but she wanted to be there for us all and waited with them for the hours the surgery took. I woke, still in pain, but not the same pain as the night before. Now it was time for healing and keeping infection away. The next ten days would be a journey of a thousand hours. Pain-filled, buckets of tears, but love and miracles abounded! My God is an AWESOME God! 

...story to be continued

Rev. 21:4 “And God shall wipe away all tears from their eyes; and there shall be no more death, neither sorrow, nor crying, neither shall there be any more pain: for the former things are passed away.”

The Bridge to Healing

Image by R.J. Hembree

used with permission

Psalm 27:7,9-10 (NIV)

Hear my voice when I call, O LORD; be merciful to me and answer me. ... Do not hide your face from me, do not turn your servant away in anger; you have been my helper. Do not reject me or forsake me, O God my Savior. Though my father and mother forsake me, the LORD will receive me.

The Bridge to Healing

I look toward the end of the bridge and am shaken. I fear heights and have been over bridges like this in the past only to be shaken by a mean brother who loved seeing fear take hold of me and watching me cower on my knees, afraid to venture to the other side. When faced with a challenge, as a child, I often cowered, trying to wear a brave face.  When bullies attacked or when shame surrounded me like a little girl standing in the center of a cornfield, I would panic, shake, then drop to my knees, or run for my life.

I learned the hard way that you can't run forever and you also can't run over the bridge, unless you're a fearless soul. I'm not fearless, I'm human. I see this long bridge as a path to healing, fear on either side, but the beauty that lay up ahead when healing is complete. My journey with this disease began in confidence, fear was far from me as I started the trek across the sturdy wooden bridge. Then it hit me almost a year into my confident walk, I looked down instead of ahead, midway across the bridge.

I looked forward, I looked behind me, I was shaken and stirred as if someone was with me on the bridge trying to throw me from the path that I was on. My hair swirled around me as I kept looking back and forth, confidence stored in the clouds, fear in the rushing waters below. I was frozen. Mid-December I became less and less confident, my pain rose, my ability to focus waned. Surrounded by positive and negative vibrations, all meshed together and I was cowering in the center of the bridge, halfway to my destination. How could this happen, how could I lose the very confidence I started over the bridge with, what happened?

I know what happened; every pain, every lump and bump were echoing sounds from below in the rushing river. I looked over the edge and it crumbled me as it had in the past. I was staring death straight in the face, in my mind. I couldn't let go, no one was there to save me. No one was there to rebuild my confidence. Prayers continued for me but I felt that they were too far away for me in the trembling of my knees.

Then I remembered the clouds; the clouds that lined the end of the bridge, that feathered over the sky as protection from the baking sun. What I was seeking was not below in rushing waters, in echoing fears, in rocky mountains, what I was after was the healing that only my God above could restore. A month, two months passed and I was growing weary just crumbled in the middle of the bridge, I needed to rise and peer at the sky and remember the reason all of this took place to begin with. 

Someone walked onto the bridge in a tip-toe fashion and handed me a cane then went on to the other side where they stood motioning me forward. Me, I was slowly rebuilding confidence, my pain was easing, my knees more steady as I stood and began to take a step toward the end of the bridge. I was powering onto the finish line where friends were now cheering me on. The fog had lifted and I could see their faces at the end of the bridge. Looking around was no longer scary, it was becoming a part of the journey, it was fine tuning my eye to the promise of healing.

The cane slowly slipped from my hands as I was no longer in need of the crutch. The worn wood no longer held slivers of fear between them, they held solidarity in my foothold. The end looked like the promise I was guaranteed by the Lord Himself. The sky held beauty and with each step, I went forward to the healing that all were anticipating.

Moral of the story: Don't let fear stop you from moving ahead in your journey. Don't let the vibration pull of positivity and negativity own you and blanket you in fear. Grab hold of the reins of confidence and drown out the rushing waters below; listen to the sounds hidden in the clouds that only a fined tuned eye can see and ears can hear.

Ez. 12:2 “Son of man, thou dwellest in the midst of a rebellious house, which have eyes to see, and see not; they have ears to hear, and hear not: for they are a rebellious house.”

Against The Wind

Mark 6:47-48 (NIV) "Later that night, the boat was in the middle of the 

lake, and he was alone on land. He saw the disciples straining at the oars, because the wind was against them.” 

Against the Wind

When you’re in as much pain as me, you have a lot of time to just sit and think. Sitting is not good for me because the longer I sit the harder it is to get back up. But lo and behold, I’ve had time to think.

I have a dear friend who worries about me. I love that anyone thinks of me but this friend goes above and beyond in caring for me and well yes, he’s concerned about my progress, understandably so. 

I was moving along so nicely, appeared to be healing at record speed then BAM! It seemed to halt. What on earth happened? I tried analyzing and over analyzing but in time (God's time) I figured it out. A raging wind came that’s what happened, tossing me about to and fro.

Mark 6:48 “And he saw them toiling in rowing; for the wind was contrary unto them: and about the fourth watch of the night he cometh unto them, walking upon the sea, and would have passed by them.”

Did you ever notice that when you pray, you sometimes (mostly all the time) have to wait for an answer? Some of the time we don’t get the answer we want because we hastily let our minds go to work instead of allowing God to do His job. Yup, that was me. As much as I say I’m listening to God, I strayed off course because I wanted things done in my time!

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Nebraska doesn’t have the tumultuous waters but it does have the horrendous gusting winds to either push or halt me in its path. I was sailing along enjoying my journey, patting myself on the back, admiring my own strength, and could actually see and feel a healing taking place as I soared. Then the winds came and stopped me and my ego in its tracks.

Well, it was morning when I tried writing, it is now afternoon and the zone has closed. I hope I can get back to the point I was trying to make if this gives me a chance. I notice whenever I try saying how good God is, something causes this to crash and it was crashing like mad this morning but now I’ve gotten more than five sentences in without a crash. I know as soon as I get in the zone it will crash, or some higher force in the realm of my computer's insides is fixing the little hidden bugs that are trying to keep me from writing.

Okay, where was I? Oh yeah…getting the wind knocked out of me by the gusty winds. I was soaring along in my healing when I suddenly got the wind knocked out of me but the unseen force was more my arrogance, in hindsight. I’ve been trying to figure out what went wrong and I can blame the wheat bread, the gluten, the one time cheat but I knew deep down none of that was the cause. 

I prayed. For months I prayed and while I wanted an answer pronto as I kept writing, and my concerned friend kept asking, I was at a loss why I was not getting the response I wanted or the time frame I wanted. Well, because GOD IS IN CONTROL, not me and He’ll respond when HE is good and ready. I need to learn patience! And it would do good if my friends knew patience as well. [winkwink]

Last week when I had my mowing spree and I even weed whacked; my underarm started hurting, quite specifically my lymph node on the side of the tumor. It had been showing signs of swelling and I just thought oh great add a thunderstorm to the mix of pain. As the sea swelled and I was being tossed around, pain, cane, back, everything swirled and swirled around me and I was just ready to give up and eat whatever I want and give up on this whole protocol thing. Put me in a hospice and let me go. 

I didn’t bail on my protocol, or on the rough seas churning about, I continued to paddle against the wind. I looked up on google ‘pain in lymph nodes' the other night and was reminded (I covered this when I was first diagnosed) that the lymph nodes are our defense mechanism. If they are swelled then they are in there kicking butt against an invading illness.

Google response: “Lymph nodes become swollen in response to illness, infection, or stress. Swollen lymph nodes are one sign that your lymphatic system is working to rid your body of the responsible agents.”

Last year upon diagnosis, I was told they were going to slice this tumor out of my breast and take some lymph nodes with it. Can you imagine? Had they taken my lymph nodes, I have nothing in my immune system fighting FOR me, they would destroy a portion of me that I NEEDED to heal!

Did you ever notice that when you pray, you sometimes (mostly all the time) have to wait for an answer? Some of the time we don’t get the answer we want because we hastily let our minds go to work instead of allowing God to do His job. Yup, that was me. As much as I say I’m listening to God, I strayed off course because I wanted things done in my time!

When I checked out lymph nodes on google and as I already knew, lymph nodes are a defense mechanism. My swelled nodes had me concerned and my husband of course worries with every pain I have so I try not to tell anyone anything because they read too much into it and want a hasty healing, not the slow one that the CANCER seas are going to take a person on. It is what it is, my friends, cancer is ugly no matter what route you take on the healing journey. This illness can't just be prayed away, or expected to miraculously disappear.

What causes lymph nodes to swell? I repeat! Google says: "Lymph nodes become swollen in response to illness, infection, or stress. Swollen lymph nodes are one sign that your lymphatic system is working to rid your body of the responsible agents." 

Read that people! LYMPHATIC SYSTEM WORKING TO RID THE BODY of [FOREIGN AGENTS]. My lymph nodes that doctors wanted to take away are in there FIGHTING FOR ME! Had they taken them away, I'd have nothing to defend me against this crud. My immune system would be shot, my nodes gone, and I'd be disfigured, more than the forty-seven pounds of weight loss has granted me. 

My Bible Gateway email this [yesterday]morning spoke directly to me! I was carried away by the storm not seeing the full picture.

Mind you that all this week the emails were about college or kids getting out of school etc. etc, but this [yesterday] morning it was targeted RIGHT AT ME! While I'm out here in the midst of a storm, Jesus hasn't forgotten about me, no not at all, He's right here WITH me! Imagine how foolish I felt when I'm always telling everyone else to have patience then realize I wasn't being patient myself! I was just as eager as you to see this crud OVER and DONE WITH! 

My prayers were answered in this little email and in prayer. God is still with me and has been all along! No, the crud is not over and done with, we still have a long way to go but the one thing I can say is that through the back-breaking daily pain, through every step with my cane, I know God is with me as I heal! The first half of my journey, when I was walking and soaring, was what the finished product will look like. Now, this half of the journey is the pain and suffering I must endure, the cross I must carry. Imagine if the first leg of the journey was all pain and suffering. I may have never made it to the second or third part of the journey. I would've given up! Allowed fear and negativity to show me the way. Now that I know what I'll look like healed I am all the more determined to see this through to the end. 

God works in mysterious ways, my friends. Trust and patience are the tools to see you through. I am no longer sailing against the winds. I'm riding along with them, and am at a place where I am SUPPOSED to be; not where everyone thinks I should be, or where I WANT to be, but where God has positioned me, in His time! 

All praise and Glory to God! 

 Isaiah 41:10 (NIV), “So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.” 

It is Finished

John 17:4 “I have glorified thee on the earth: I have finished the work which thou gavest me to do.”

It Is Finished

Do you remember where you heard those words? If you’re a Christian you remember those as words from Jesus on the cross. It is my understanding that the Greek term means ‘paid in full’. Jesus paid the debt for our sins in full.

I’m using the words a little differently as I’m finished with the work He had ME to do. He had me do a much different leg of work and I’m finished. I need to go now and prepare my book and works and I need to be released from distractions that the world tries to ingrain in my being. While I see the world as weakening me, I am strong and must do what I must do. I will continue to write to complete my healing. I'm unsure as to my next leg of this glorious journey.

You might be wondering what kind of work He had me do but my most dedicated followers, who’ve been with me from day one KNOW, they don’t need an explanation. I certainly had my work cut out for me as a good and faithful servant. I am in the midst of healing and this is what I offered to you but all too often my words were met with the doubt of Thomas and the denial of Peter. I think that has been the hardest part for me on this journey.

I knew from day one that my path would be met with doubt because even I myself had doubts in the beginning but the more and more I progressed in knowledge and wisdom, the more and more research I did, my duty became clearly evident. I was healing and I needed to share this glorious truth with my faithful friends.

The funny thing is, it became a truth not shared by others. That is where I staggered a bit, the ones who fell by the wayside. I became too preachy on this journey, a testament that many were not ready to accept, and many probably thought I was misinterpreting my duty to my Lord. I assure you, I serve only One Master!

In the beginning, when I was diagnosed with this disease of a lifetime, I had friends that visited my Facebook wall daily and surrounded me with support and compassion. Sympathy leaked from the outpouring of emotions in encouraging words wanting to be a part of this woman’s world before she ‘gave up the ghost’. It wasn’t until I testified that God was leading me down a different path of healing and living that these ‘friends’ began drifting away like florets in the wind. I have to say, it hurt and was unexpected but then I was assured that it would only get worse before it got better. The truth was realized. I have always heard the term ‘with friends like that, you don’t need enemies’ ie: An expression indicating that one's close associates prove more adversarial than one's opponents.

I came on strong when warning you of the signs and symptoms of not only cancer but other autoimmune disorders as well as obesity running rampant in America. Link after link I handed you a truth that took me time and energy and a whole lot of prayer before bringing into your hands [eyes] but it was my calling. My duty was not to walk alone on this path but to bring you all together with me in agreement and then make the change for the better. Just like when Moses brought the people out of Egypt and led them to a new way of life, they strayed. God knew this and accepted the fact that they were only human. I too have to accept that in thousands of years, man has not and will not change, except for the few and not the many.

When Jesus was hung on the cross and whispered those words ‘It is finished’, I can feel the sorrow in His voice every time I read them and utter the words out loud. He was sad because He knew he would be denied and that man would not change. He didn’t hurt for Himself; He was hurting for the man that He was bleeding for.

I offered a truth not from a religious standpoint but from a spiritual one and maybe that is what people couldn’t handle. Maybe when I said that I was being led by God my followers wanted me to put a religious stamp on my words but again I’ll tell you, God is not a religion! Putting God in a box is not what His Words are about. If you define your faith by a religion and not the Spirit of God, maybe some deep soul searching is needed.

I remember in the beginning when I started this journey one lady blatantly attacked me telling me that this is a serious disease not to be messed with and that she had lost too many people and that trusting God should only go so far! Wow, I couldn’t believe for one that she would attack me like that in my condition, or two that she wanted me to trust man over God. God reminded me that they first denied Him and that this was going to be my journey also and to be prepared. I don’t think anyone can prepare for betrayal, denial, and attacks. That is why Jesus was so sad because we [man] had let Him down. BUT, it didn’t stop Him from completing the prophecy. 

1 Sam. 8:7 “And the LORD said to Samuel, Listen to the voice of the people in all that they say to you: for they have not rejected you, but they have rejected me, that I should not reign over them.
8] Like all the deeds which they have done since the day that I brought them up from Egypt even to this day-- in that they have forsaken Me and served other gods-- so they are doing to you also.”

Titus 1:16 “They profess that they know God; but in works they deny him, being abominable, and disobedient, and unto every good work reprobate.”

Another supposedly dear friend kept saying things like [to no one in particular] “Wouldn’t you just like to slap some people upside the head when they’re going in the wrong direction?” Stuff like that I KNEW was directed at me as they too once fought this disease but they clearly chose the ‘pharma/business’ route. I was not, and am not saying, and never have said, that the chemo route is a wrong choice for YOU! I say and will continue to say that it is the wrong choice for ME and with PROOF in my hand, I will continue my stance! Rest assured, Google searches only became necessary AFTER my firm assertion from God who gave me the direction and started me on this journey. 

To make comments about my course without even reading what I’ve written is like telling God that maybe He shouldn’t have used Jesus to send a message by HANGING, goodness mercy me! I am saddened to know that you wouldn’t take the time to read the entire story, just the portions that resonate with you and kind of irk you enough to steer clear of me. It’s okay, I’m not God nor am I Jesus, and there is no penalty for denying my truth. 

I do have to thank the ones that day after day stayed committed to following me and my words and found solace in them. I thank you from the bottom of my heart because this trek would have been much harder without the support of my dear loving friends. My family [except one or two] has all but forgotten about me and tossed me under the bus, just like the Oncologists who denied me because I kept them from making 150,000 dollars as a chemo patient. I pray for them, only THEY will pay for their rejection. I am stronger where I stand and my virtual friends lend me an arm of tenacity I didn’t know I had in me. Please continuously keep me in your prayers. Place me on a perpetual pray list because without your prayer, I am nothing. I am living proof that with man all things are impossible but with God nothing is impossible!

It is finished.

God bless you all!

Matt. 19: 26 “But Jesus beheld them, and said unto them, With men this is impossible; but with God all things are possible.”

Luke 1:37 “For no word from God will ever fail.” (NIV)

Joni and Adam 2003

The journey: leaving Baltimore

All Glory to God

1 Cor. 10:31 “Whether therefore ye eat, or drink, or whatsoever ye do, do all to the Glory of God.”

All Glory to God

Have you ever had one of those days where you woke to a crisp cold morning and felt like just staying nestled under the covers a while longer in the warmth of your bed? Yeah, I think we all have those kinds of days, and more times than not we have to force ourselves into the cold because of work, school, whatever, we wake and go. 

My job these days is giving Glory to God. That’s not a job, you might say but if you knew the pain I was in this past couple of weeks, you’d admit, it’s one chore that you wouldn’t look forward to for sure. I wake and am like a stick pretzel, very stiff from a long night of sleep. I’m prompted to wake, I force myself out of bed and begin my day, all for the Glory of God.

I cannot abandon the job He’s set aside just for me. I’m sure He has others doing jobs for Him but we are unique in our own way. I use my talent to glorify Him in any way I can whether poetry or a post guided by Him. It’s a unique job, but one I never in any way felt capable of doing. But when people say they get it! That the message spoke to THEM, it is at that time I feel my work is for a solid purpose.

I imagine all of the significant people (and some who seem non-significant) all felt the same exact way. Here they were living life, loving God and God stopped them short of continuing and asked them to do something major for Him. How much are we unlike the very people in the Bible?

I believe we’re all like at least one person in the Bible and that is the reason why the book resonates with us, we see ourselves in Esther, Sara, Ruth, Job, Paul or Peter. The list of people in the bible is very long. Is there someone in the Bible you connect with and after reading stand there thinking, 'that is me’? What has God called you, in this generation to do for others?

I was strolling along in life feeling like Mary Magdalene, the repentant prostitute who sat at Jesus’ feet, who sat below Him as He was hung on the cross, then at other times I connect with Job on many levels of feeling worthy and loved, but then discouraged only to find the love of God again and that I fit into His plan after all. 

How many of you sitting there reading this don’t feel worthy enough to put yourself in the shoes of a person in the Bible? So many of us don’t feel worthy to kiss the ground Jesus walked on; we feel like the onlooker watching as Jesus carried the cross or the person sitting at home going on with their daily chores as such a commotion as the hanging of an innocent man went on ‘up the road’.

Me, when I’m feeling unworthy and down I try with everything I have to connect with just one person in the Bible. This is the only way I can find a connection to this world and not as an alien on my home planet. 

The other night we watched the children’s movie Inside Out. I relate to that movie on many levels although it was targeted to be a children’s movie. Who did I relate to? Joy, sadness, fear, anger, or disgust? Every character was a portion of the main character’s personality. Riley’s family had moved her away from her familiarity into a big city of unknown. She feared, she was angry and mad and we had to witness all the worlds in her personality shatter and fall apart. In the end, we learned that we can’t have joy without the pain of sadness.

In the simplest form, that is what the Holy Bible is all about, finding joy through the pain; finding the light at the end of the tunnel. While I often feel alone and alienated in this world, I can at any moment pick up the Bible and relate to one (if not many) people in the bible. I wake in the morning and God is my first ‘go to being’ so I can begin my day. It is the only time I don’t feel so alone.

As I look out at the broken world and pieces of the puzzle are scattered on the floor I try extremely hard to find a fitting puzzle piece. Where do I fit in? How can I accomplish all that God has set out before me? How do I make a picture out of nothingness?

For three, almost four weeks now, I have woke in the morning and grabbed my cane to walk. I’ve led you down my path where I unknowingly fell off protocol and struggled to get back up again. Something happened this week. On the seventh of March, my mother-in-law wrote me an email and asked how I was doing. Did she really want to know or was she just being like everyone else and asking because she didn’t know how to approach me?

I had to wait two days to respond because at the time the email came in I was bitter and angry and not willing to lash out at her, I had to stop and think. On the ninth, I wrote her a letter and told her the truth. I explained going off protocol and eating wheat bread had nearly destroyed me and how my severe pain had returned.

A week passed before I received a response. My sister-in-law was visiting her from Arizona with her two kids and my m-i-l was busy with catering to them I imagine and more than likely didn’t turn her computer on one time. It was during that week that satan knocked on my door with his lovely doubt and fear message. 

“She doesn’t care about you, she’s too busy to be bothered with you. People have lives unlike yourself. No one cares about your pain!”

Yessiree, for an entire pain-filled, cane-embracing week, he was walking around my house like he owned it. I had weakened.

Sister-in-law went home on the sixteenth and poof like a magical leprechaun spun his little hand and poked his head in (I’m kidding here) my m-i-l sent me an email on the seventeenth. She said she was glad that I was so honest with my pain because now she knew where to target her prayers for me. I honestly was thinking ‘yeah right’ as satan was still here wandering around the cold gloomy days. I didn’t write back as I was still harboring resentment of her week of no response.

Sunday morning came, I reached for my cane to get out of bed. I woke, I walked but didn’t feel the need for it. Again, I was thinking, yeah right, I’ll need it in a bit, after my shower I bet. Guess what? It is Wednesday and I haven’t used my cane this week. Oh, I grab it because I’m not totally surrendering as I should be, but today, I feel like satan has packed his bags and is now huffing and puffing because once again he realized THERE IS POWER IN PRAYER!

Moral of the story? We might all feel like Thomas, doubting the power of God, second-guessing our purpose because of the pain we’re in but rest assured my friend, God has YOU in His hands even when satan thinks he is gaining ground. Our God is BIGGER and more powerful, and PRAYER HEALS! Through the pain, I give ALL GLORY TO GOD! On a dusty traveled road, I see Light at the end of the tunnel! I feel joy in the midst of my sorrow. 

Matt. 5:16 KJV “Let your light so shine before men, that they may see your good works, and glorify your Father which is in heaven.”

Going With Confidence?

Ps. 118:8 “It is better to trust in the LORD than to put confidence in man.”

Going with Confidence?

I say this amid a week of doubts and uncertainty. While I still feel assured doing what I’m doing is the right thing, there are those days that doubt creeps in like the mouse you never knew you had peeks his head out as a crumb falls to the floor. You didn’t know it was there but sure enough, his eyes meet yours and he scurries away.

Here I am five days away from Christmas. The weather has been unseasonably warm, the winds brutal and just like Christmas itself will arrive, so will old man winter awaken on the twenty-first of December to give us our first real winter cold spell.

I’m going to be honest here, I don’t think I’m ready for the family gathering. I’ve noticed here lately it is getting harder to pass up those sweet treats, drinks and toxic (to me) foods. I do, but it feels harder than when this all began eleven months ago.

I caved last week after going through the entire food store full of Christmas cookies, eggnog, sprinkle-topped sugar cookies of seasonal red and green colors, biscuits and breads, turkeys and hams. I rounded the freezer section and WHAM there it was – a pizza – Maximus Supremus it said, with a window to gaze at the topping filled pizza. It somehow jumped into my cart and to my husbands' amazed eyes he questioned my choice. “I want pizza!” I exclaimed with tear-rimmed eyes and made it to checkout with pizza in tow.

That night for dinner I gobbled five pieces of the delicious cheese-filled topping exploding pizza after shoveling the small slices in my mouth savoring every single bite. Not without guilt, I might add because yes, the measly two pieces that were left, I left for my son to eat. Eleven months of not caving and cheating on my protocol went out the window for a brief moment in time when I indulged in satisfying my flesh! I caved!

While my husband himself has remarkably slowly given up his addiction to sugar and Pepsi, not for me, for his own health, still can eat what he wants. Most of the time the Doritos, or cheese and crackers, or the three-flavored popcorn in a tin, doesn’t bother me, but here lately with the facebook walls lighting up with sugar cookies and toxins that would kill me paint the walls in hopes of satisfying the ones that they will only slowly kill. 

The holiday is all about food and family here. It’s not about exchanging gifts, it’s not about seeing family you haven’t seen all year, it’s about getting together and sharing a meal. I remember last year on Christmas we were hit with a torrential downpour with hail, lightning and thunder crashing all around the vehicle almost keeping us from the visit. But we made it to our destination safely and of course, we had a great time. Their concern (after seeing we all made it) was wanting to know how I was doing and I basically said fine and that I’d have a doctor visit and would know more. And boy did I ever learn more. At the time I thought I was suffering from MS but little did I know it was much worse.

This year we’re going to be hit with a seasonal cold spell! Twenty-three degree high is predicted for Christmas Day. While many across the nation have already dealt with the blustery cold and snowy season, the fifties have spoiled us. This tiny woman, forty pounds lighter, might feel the biting cold more than I have in the nine years since I’ve been in Nebraska.

While I feel I’m doing well, I don’t feel ready to be seated around a table full of delicious smelling food that in years past I ate and enjoyed. I have to watch as people overload their plates, go for seconds, complain about needing to lose weight as they head to the dessert table and proceed to get two helpings. I have to remain silent as people overindulge, laugh and chuckle as they fill their faces, while I can’t as I’m writhing, holding back tears. I am going to need iron strength not to carry the bitter taste in my mouth that I have right at this moment.

Will this stop me from fighting my fight with everything I have? By no means! I am not faltering just because a Christmas party declares I NEED to eat the toxic (to ME) food served. I declare that I have at least twenty years left in me, assuming the world even lasts that long. I have a spiritual family online that loves and cares that I succeed and will lend me prayers where I need. I know I may come off as confident and secure but know, there are times I break, I cry, I pout, then remember to whom this season belongs to and am reminded that my strength lies in Him! I will go in confidence only because I know I am loved. 

Prov. 3:26 “For the LORD shall be thy confidence, and shall keep thy foot from being taken.”

Merry Christmas my Spiritual Family! I am counting on your prayers to carry me through with confidence! God Bless Everyone!

Elaine DeBoucher made this for me

The Christmas Candle

John 8:12 KJV “Then spake Jesus again unto them, saying, I am the light of the world: he that followeth me shall not walk in darkness, but shall have the light of life.”

The Christmas Candle

We watched this movie for the first time, The Christmas Candle. The premise was quite simple everyone needed a miracle. In a small town shrouded in the folklore of the Christmas Candle, for a miracle, they were told to light the special candle and pray. Not just any candle would suffice only the Christmas Candle from the town candle maker.

I’m not going to give the entire story away but you get the idea, light a candle and pray. Don’t you wish it was that simple to just light a candle and pray for a miracle? Well quite simple enough all you have to do is pray an earnest heartfelt prayer. Meaning, not just an emoticon will suffice, not just a ‘God I need a miracle’ will do, you need a real prayer. 

After watching the movie, I cried; the tears overflowed from my compassionate understanding heart. I know where each of those people was coming from in needing a miracle and it can be quite disheartening when you pray for a miracle and don’t receive one. I’ve been there before so I know what one looks like and what not receiving a miracle looks like.

We live in self-gratifying times where millions of people need miracles. You could line the streets with people seeking a miracle in their life but I have to ask, what draws them to wanting the miracle? Are they children of Christ seeking a miracle or are they from the school where they heard of this God who dishes out miracles so why not give Him a try? 

Do you believe in miracles of your faith or have you heard of His miraculous touch and would like a piece of the pie? Some people put stock in coincidence while some build their entire life around faith in the Lord. Some ministers standing on the pulpit preach faith but when you turn to them in need of a miracle and you tell them that you’re going to put your faith in God, he tells you that is all well and good but to have a backup plan because we live in reality. That is NOT what you want to hear from a minister you trust. Where is his FAITH and trust in God?

Yes, this exact instance took place a little over nine years ago to us. I’ve written about it before. My husband was going blind and we needed a miracle. We didn’t turn to holy oils and laying on of the hands, we turned to God and prayed for a miracle. Our minister assured us that we had the best of intentions but we needed a backup plan. Needless to say, we didn’t listen to the minister. We left that particular church, sought out a church of actual believers with a spirit-filled minister and two and a half years later our miracle was given, my husband had his sight restored. 

I know you’ll say, two years, I want my miracle NOW! Well, rest assured, you will not get a miracle when you demand one! The Lord asked us to endure the trials and wait, without a doubt and a backup plan. We trusted our Lord to do HIS work and sure enough, as I had every bit of faith He would, He came through.

We had zero health insurance so we turned to our ever-trusty government. They told us that my hubby had to be blind for two years before they would help. So we waited. The wait cost him one of his eyes and so much more but to see again was nothing short of a miracle! My husband’s license was restored to him five years ago and just the other day he had to get it renewed. In government fashion, for hubby, there was no simple online renewal. Nope, he was made to take the driving test again, to see if he could still ‘see’. 

Ironically, his nighttime driving restriction was lifted but the daytime forty-mile radius wasn’t. I say ironically because he knows he can’t see at night so that restriction being lifted made no sense. He CAN, however, see during the day but the forty-mile radius of driving was not lifted. When asked about the radius restriction, the lady said we’d have to take it up with the government office seventy-five miles away. How funny!

So what it boils down to is this, if he drives outside the forty-mile radius he is breaking the law. If I want medicinal cannabis to heal from cancer, I have to break the law. The government demands we abide by the law but prevents us from abiding by placing near impossible restrictions so we have to BREAK the law. Makes a lot of sense doesn’t it? 

Back to the miracles. We live in reality so there is no demanding a miracle to happen in your life. God has governed my reality all of my life and has governed man for a millennium. He has rules also; prayer and dedication is just one rule, abide or break the law. You do have a choice!

When I was first diagnosed, I wanted a miracle right then and there to POOF my tumor away and bring me to full health. God asked me to wait and endure and sure enough, with every restriction, with every family get-together, every trip to the grocery store, I am enduring beyond belief. I’m forty pounds lighter and healthier than I’ve been all of my life. My miracle is happening as I write. My Lord is faithful! Maybe I’m the candle you all need to see this Christmas season as you painstakingly endure the wait for your own miracle. I will not be lighting a candle to pray for my own miracle, I will be praying for all of you, He already knows who you are that is in need of one. I already have my miracle! 

All glory and praise to God!

Acts 4:22 “For the man was above forty years old, on whom this miracle of healing was shewed.”

I Am At Peace

Heb. 12: 14 (KJV) “Follow peace with all men, and holiness, without which no man shall see the Lord:”

I’m At Peace

I’m at peace with the decisions I make. While many will have a hard time seeing eye to eye with me, I will not be swayed by the force that tries to darken my days. 

I woke this morning, and upon reading my email I realized why I’m putting this windowed world on the back burner, to allow it to simmer down. I go right for my Encouragement For the Day, then to my verse for the day, then I move on to my bible reading for the day. 

There was other mail in my box and one, in particular, threw everything I had just read out the window and I was ready to respond in anger and offense. Instead, God’s hand touched my shoulder, He told me to breathe. By choice, I had been away from Facebook for twenty-four hours but my finger immediately went to the FB link and there I was on facebook at six in the morning.

I was expecting the same old-same old ‘this star is dead, oh wait, no he’s not, he’s hanging on, oh wait now he’s really dead’ posts. Instead, I was met with numerous scriptures on peace. A dear friend in Christ shares his walk with Christ and that was the first post that greeted me on FB. A friend of his posted a link to a sermon on ‘Overcoming Offense’! I sat for the next hour watching an excellent sermon that resonated with me and I felt a peace wash over me.

I went on to wish everyone a happy Thanksgiving and then backed away from Facebook because it will absorb my day instead of me seeing the true meaning in the very purpose of my living day.

Two takeaways I got from the sermon was,

“What’s born out of love will never fail.”

“The way that seems right to man always leads to death and destruction.”

Prov, 14:12 “There is a way which seemeth right unto a man, but the end thereof are the ways of death.” (KJV)

Prov. 16:11 “A just weight and balance are the LORD's: all the weights of the bag are his work.”

I am transformed not by technology; Christ transforms me daily. I live my life for Christ, not for the media, social influence, or the advancement of technology, I live for God. My life is love, which is all I care about these days is love and how love is projected outwardly from me to the world. I won’t be bogged down by offenses or past sins because I’ve been transformed. If you’ve known me over the years, I hope the one thing you see in me is God. You don’t see disease, you don’t see a distracted woman babbling, you see God in me! That is the peace I want to be projected to the world.

Prov. 16: 20 “He that handleth a matter wisely shall find good: and whoso trusteth in the LORD, happy is he.”

Needless to say, I did not respond to the email that angered me or to the person who offended me. After hearing the sermon I just wanted to praise and rejoice and go on with my day, balancing what needs to be weighed in my heart and soul. 

God does not call us to offend or be offended. He calls on us to portray Him and anything else you spew opposite of love is foolish pride in yourselves. God knew that our flesh was weak. He knew we would have an ego that would allow our flesh to rule over us and guide us through life. That’s the very reason He used the message of Prov. 14 and 16 scripture TWICE so we could understand the importance of putting aside our pride and ego and just let Him live in us and through us. 

Prov. 16:25 “There is a way that seemeth right unto a man, but the end thereof are the ways of death.”

If I allow myself to be offended by every little thing, then I let satan and his work win. He’s cunning these days, disguised in Christians wearing the veil of righteousness but when exposed by the pulling off of the veil, their ugliness shows through. I will not be the person who does the unveiling, you yourself have to look in the mirror every day and who you see when you first get out of bed is who God sees. No makeup, no perfected hair, no deception, He sees right through you. THAT is the person God loves, flaws and all!

As I near Thanksgiving I am so grateful for everything in my life I can’t list it in just one post. But the thing I am MOST grateful for? God LOVES me flaws and all! HE sees perfection in me and it is up to me to show the world what perfection looks like through my flaws.

God is great, God is good, I always pray, as I know I should! 

May God bless you this Thanksgiving and may you find the light you seek in the darkness. Be full! 

Paranoia II

Prov. 13:17 “A wicked messenger falleth into mischief: but a faithful ambassador is health.”

Paranoia II

Sometimes when I begin writing I veer off topic and go in a whole other direction. Like yesterdays post, I wanted to write about the paranoia that seeps into everything I’m doing. If someone comments on a post I’m trying to share I get defensive when they don’t agree with me and they go off in their own direction in what they believe. My apologies, but that just does not work for me.

What I’m trying to do here is unconventional on so many levels, I don’t expect people to rally behind me and say go for it but I also don’t expect them to jump down my throat and berate me with why I’m wrong. I will refrain from sharing on facebook the doctors and websites that I read from and follow because more times than not it’s pointed out that it is a fake news site, the doctor’s are wrong because the medical world does not agree with their unconventional ways, or that I’m just a crazy woman. Well, that one I can agree on.


I’ve just deleted hundreds of emails because most were trying to feed my paranoid state. Topics covered were thyroid, diabetes, heart disease and the list goes on. Topics also include why the water I shower with is toxic, why this one vegetable is not good if I’m fighting the C, or why chemtrails are making everyone sick. The emails feed my paranoia as does the toxic invaders.

Anyone who is following my journey on a daily basis knows what I am going through. I have some people who come in and comment off the cuff and think I’m fighting a simple illness like the flu and want to discuss the ramifications of NOT getting a flu shot. I’m sorry people, I do not believe in the flu shot, vaccines, or anything the medical community tosses out for human consumption. If you read me daily, you’ll understand and know why! The pharmaceutical corporations lead doctors; their pocketbooks are lined by an addicted nation that THEY contribute to daily.

When I point out that the medical community knows nothing about nutrition I’m met with a person's statistics on the reasoning why they are okay with doctors pushing drugs, or how there is one doctor in a big city that knows about nutrition. You see what I’m saying? That one doctor is not helping ME, or the ones I turn to and read on a regular basis. I guess me spewing where I get my information is not syncing with you or the Harvard medical community as a whole.

I’m basically alone in my journey and I’m okay with that. I’m living in a world of people addicted to drugs, legal and illegal drugs mind you. Those people are as defensive of their drugs as I am in fighting for what I believe in. I don’t agree with you that every pill you pop is necessary just as you don’t agree that cancer can be fought and won with NUTRITION! Again, I’m okay with what you believe in but please don’t try and sway me from what I believe in just for argument's sake.

In January when I got this diagnosis the medical community worked hard as nails to instill FEAR in me. I being the warrior and rebel that I am, gently asked for time and they put kid gloves on and knocked me out of the ballpark, dropping me like a hot potato because their income just went out the door with me. They quickly moved on to the next uninformed cancer patient. Did they ever call me to see how I’m doing? NO, they could care less. All they care about is their money! I have proof as they quickly sent me to a collection agency for bills unpaid. I sent money to them but they returned it because they want the FULL payment, not a mere portion at a time. THAT is the medical community that YOU bow down to!

While I am out here feeling great, eating well and am on the road to healing, they still have the hold of paranoia on me in trying to bully me into paying for tests that THEY forced me into! In my distress of being informed of a death sentence, they wheeled me into one test after another knowing full well that the tests could cause the spread of the disease. But if I tell anyone in the medical world of this, they scoff and shrug, they are right and I am wrong. I don’t have legitimate sources or twenty years of 'studies' to back me up.

While I have changed everything I cook, eat, drink and wear, I’m still met with people who disagree with my choice in this journey. I am still being hit with a barrage of information that essentially feeds my paranoia. I have to watch every bite of food going in my mouth and the way it’s cooked no microwave or Teflon cookware for me. I read every label, I buy organic when I can, and feel paranoid when I can’t and allow it to still pass through my mouth. To me, that is cheating! If it is not organic and intricately scrutinized, I feel I’m cheating myself.

No, I haven’t cheated on the sugar intake in nine months. I bend a little on the carbohydrates but only because the first six months of strictly fruits and vegetables has passed. I now allow lentils and some (organic) beans, gluten free, grain free bread and still allow only coconut milk and coconut oil. Only free-range chickens and eggs are allowed on occasion, definitely not a daily basis because of the methionine content. And I have found that the only processed food I can eat sparingly is organic soups and chili. That’s it, but I am eating and happy with every bite I might add. 

With Thanksgiving nearing, I’m thinking of a meal for me and one for the carnivores of the house. While the guys will eat the normal meal of turkey and mashed potatoes, I might try a zucchini medley for me. The aroma will wipe me off of my feet and I may find myself sulking as no biscuits and gravy for me unless I can find something organic I can sink my teeth into. But as with everything else, I’m over thinking and allowing a little paranoia to venture its way into my assertiveness.

I am so glad that from day one of my diagnosis I was led right to The Truth About Cancer and Chris Wark and every doctor they’re affiliated with. It was no coincidence, as I don’t believe in coincidence. It could have been me manifesting my wishes in beating this disease alternatively but I would rather believe that I was led there by my FAITH and trust in God!

I am a Christian soldier, marching as to war, with the cross of Jesus, going on before! This fight is far from over. As with many other wars, this one can’t be won in a couple months or a year, this one will take years but I am up to the challenging battle. One day I’ll even be open to discussions where I can debate who is right and who is wrong but I’m not there yet. I’m coming up on my one year since diagnosis on January 25th, and two years since I felt the prominent lump in December. So you see, this battle is far from over and that is why continued prayer will carry me to victory.

3 John 1:2 “Beloved, I wish above all things that thou mayest prosper and be in health, even as thy soul prospereth.”

May God bless the believers and non-believers alike!