I Don't Want To Know

James 1:2 (NIV) “Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds.” 

I Don’t Want To Know

Something came up in conversation the other day with my husband. I was taking my supplements and pointed out that many were for inflammation. He responded with, “Did you ever think that’s not what it is?” Referring to my immense amount of daily pain. "Absolutely," I responded. I don't think of it often, but it certainly crosses my mind on occasion. Maybe it isn't inflammation, maybe it's worse. Yeah, I won't go the doubt route.

I feel negative comments surfacing on a regular basis now. I feel like others are doubting and it's not helping my journey any. I snapped back at my husband and told him that No, I don't wanna know if it is something else. I don't want to go to the doctors for them to hound me and tell me I should get chemo. I don't want to know if it has spread and I only have six months to live. I am persevering and doing everything I can to prevent death but then when you think about it, no one can prevent death, we're all going to die.

Memorial Day was no different with the poor poor pitiful Joni, looks. I didn't want to go to his mother's, but I did want to see the family. She wasn't having a cookout or anything, just a yearly gathering of his aunt and two uncles that we only get to see one or two times a year because two live out of state and one hours away. I didn't want to go because well, I'm in constant pain and it's a challenge to get out the door, down the steps, into the truck, back out of the truck, ascend more stairs and do it all over again when the visit is over.

I was also concerned with the questions that would be aimed at me. Luckily his brother was there with his wife and son so it kind of took the questions away from me. Instead, I was met with eyes of pity. They looked at me like the cripple I am and treated me like a fragile broken child who needs assistance with every step. I wonder how they think I manage to get through every single day? I don't have a live-in nurse that cares for me, I DO take care of myself. I AM a little slow but I'm not a precious vase about to fall on the floor that needs catching before it smashes to the ground.  

Then there was the lightning storm going on for two hours and more. The gusty winds arose right before we left as did a little thunder and lightning and I wanted to wait but no, hubby had to leave then and there. The dirt road was a sloppy mess as we swerved and swayed until it came to an end. Every swerve of the car sent a tingling pain up my back. The short trip to his mother's had the pain rising and rising with each clap of thunder and every sliver of lightning. We arrived in a downpour. I said I'd wait in the car, but I got so frustrated with myself, I hopped out and limped, cane in hand, to the front door. Hubby on arm trying to walk in his normal stride and me trying to keep up with my tiny limps, in the pouring rain and gusting winds. 

I try and understand that his family never sees me, and hasn't seen me using a cane and just expected bouncy-bouncy Joni, but instead, they were met with Tiny Tim. After his brother left, his aunt was right on me asking how I was doing and if I was still doing my protocol. I tried not to be snarky but it was quite hard as my back felt like a tightly wound rubber band about to snap and I really was not up to a visit that day. I just said yes, yes, I wake every day and thank God for another day. I was curt but not snarky. 

When I went to get up to use the bathroom his mother was about to leap into action, "You need help?" Umm... no, but thank you. As I walked past her my husband was sitting there and I asked for some water and his mom quickly jumped up and said I can get it, I can get it. I love having people care, I love that they want to know more about how I'm handling my illness. I love that they don't even talk chemo with me, but a tightly threaded quilt will eventually dry rot. Remember, I'm here year round. Not that anybody ever asks about my writing but is as important to me as my husband's now-defunct blog he had while he was blind. Writing is my life and I live to tell my story. 

On the ride home from his moms the storms were still churning; hard to see, muddy roads a bigger mess but we made it home and my tears fell unseen as quickly as the raindrops. It was a trying day for me that no one understands. As stubborn as I am, I am not one to be pitied and the looks, the stares, they tore me apart shred by shred. While I know and understand how lucky I am to be in this family and to have people that care, you don't realize how much it hurts to know I have a family back home that couldn't give a rip about me. I never cross their mind in a day, month or a year. It makes me feel defensive and isolated when a person after months of not seeing me shows signs of caring. I go on.

Tuesday, the entire day was rainfall! Glorious rainfall with rolling thunder and a flash of lightning here and there but rain it did! I think we had ten storms in one day and they didn't stop until eleven at night. The temps dropped to normal on Monday, meaning Springlike temps of the 60's and yesterday the temps that were predicted near ninety barely made it to seventy. Alleluia Amen.

Like summertime storms, life comes at us unexpectedly. Sometimes the trials are easy to endure, at other times they're difficult. Sometimes it's a delicate rainfall, at times a hard downpour. Sometimes high winds, a few times tornadoes pop up. Surely you need to be ready but if you knew ahead of time that you were going to die, what would you do differently? If a doctor told you that you have six months to live, how would you spend those last six months? Me, I don't want to know. I want to live until I die and that's that. Sure I'll prepare myself for the storms about to strike but I will not sit here and count days and think each one my last. As long as God is my guide, I never fear the valleys. Don't pity me as I persevere! I go with God!

James 1:12 (NIV) “Blessed is the one who perseveres under trial because, having stood the test, that person will receive the crown of life that the Lord has promised to those who love him.” 

Weather the Storm

Pss.148:8 “Fire, and hail; snow, and vapour; stormy wind fulfilling his word:”

Many many people go through trials and tribulations but not everyone handles the storm they’re passing through in a graceful manner. I’ve been through too many storms to count but always I try to hold my head up in optimism and trudge through the blaring winds that season my face.

I don’t allow the storms to break me instead I let them build me up into a stronger being. By writing about my storms, I share with you the fact that not all storms are damaging. Take for instance Friday when my hubby came home from work and told me he lost his job. Granted it wasn’t a great job to begin with but it was a job. 

Him being ‘disabled’, blind in one eye and limited driving, he has to take what he can get which makes finding a job pretty challenging for him. He’ll never be able to go back to the forty-hour workweek like he had when we lived in Texas and he worked for UPS on the high-income end of the tax bracket. No, since he went blind for two and a half years it humbled us beyond measure. We took on a new way of living. 

We normally take on storms like brushing hair out of our eyes; we just whip them away and move onto the next challenge. That’s how we roll. This time is no different; I didn’t shatter into a million pieces nor did he when he was ‘let go’ to put it mildly.

I twiddled my thumbs anticipating the anxiety he must have felt being the breadwinner of the household. Since I’m disabled, can’t work and can barely take care of the household things that need to be done around here, of course I wondered what his next course of action would be in this matter.

Monday he was online filling out applications and Tuesday he received a call for an interview on Wednesday and Wednesday found him at the job interview and it ending with ‘come in Sunday to train’!!! Wow, talk about a storm passing over! Praise God!

There are drawbacks but none my man can’t handle. It’s not a lot of hours but he can’t put in more than 30 with his limited driving. He can’t drive in the dark and cannot exceed a sixty-mile radius, which really puts him for whatever job is out there in the Kearney area that is willing to work his limitations into their schedule. I know with summer months we get more daylight but many won’t work around him to satisfy their job requirement. 

It really stinks being limited but hey, living in the midst of a storm constantly is a learning experience not too many could handle. We weather these storms wrapped in God’s loving arms and just when you think it is settling down, WHAM another storm.

“Life is not about waiting for the storm to PASS, it’s learning to DANCE in the rain!”

I wonder why a candle with that quote is prominently displayed on my table? Because I love dancing in the rain. When God tosses a storm my way, I don’t run and hide under an umbrella, I let the rain roll down my cheeks, I let the wind blow through my hair, I sometimes tremble at the ferocity of the lightning but then I still, dance in the rain.

God’s like that sometimes, He tosses storms your way to see how you’ll handle what He throws at you. You either become a testimony for His greatness or you hid under a rock, the choice is always your own.

Isa. 25:4 “For thou hast been a strength to the poor, a strength to the needy in his distress, a refuge from the storm, a shadow from the heat, when the blast of the terrible ones is as a storm against the wall.”