Happy Valentine's Day: Another Year

Pss. 116:1 "I love the LORD, because he hath heard my voice and my supplications."

Another Year...

It was here and then gone

the year that was then wasn't

We started off on a slippery slope

the days of does and doesn't.

I try to make some sense of it all

but memories mesh together

A sunny day here, a rainy one there

all measured by crazy weather.

Then there are days filled with pain

coughs, sniffles, and sneezes 

your hand in mine, memory blind

a warm soft hug appeases.

We've made it through some blizzards

together all seemed so easy 

fierce lightning storms and raging winds

with love, it passed as just breezy.

Here we stand once again

confusion trying to take hold

but we're too strong to let it win

Our souls should stand so bold! 

This Valentine's day remember

as all the ones in the past

The year might soar in a whirlwind

but it's our enduring love that lasts! 

To my honey! 

HAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY!

I Don't Want To Know

James 1:2 (NIV) “Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds.” 

I Don’t Want To Know

Something came up in conversation the other day with my husband. I was taking my supplements and pointed out that many were for inflammation. He responded with, “Did you ever think that’s not what it is?” Referring to my immense amount of daily pain. "Absolutely," I responded. I don't think of it often, but it certainly crosses my mind on occasion. Maybe it isn't inflammation, maybe it's worse. Yeah, I won't go the doubt route.

I feel negative comments surfacing on a regular basis now. I feel like others are doubting and it's not helping my journey any. I snapped back at my husband and told him that No, I don't wanna know if it is something else. I don't want to go to the doctors for them to hound me and tell me I should get chemo. I don't want to know if it has spread and I only have six months to live. I am persevering and doing everything I can to prevent death but then when you think about it, no one can prevent death, we're all going to die.

Memorial Day was no different with the poor poor pitiful Joni, looks. I didn't want to go to his mother's, but I did want to see the family. She wasn't having a cookout or anything, just a yearly gathering of his aunt and two uncles that we only get to see one or two times a year because two live out of state and one hours away. I didn't want to go because well, I'm in constant pain and it's a challenge to get out the door, down the steps, into the truck, back out of the truck, ascend more stairs and do it all over again when the visit is over.

I was also concerned with the questions that would be aimed at me. Luckily his brother was there with his wife and son so it kind of took the questions away from me. Instead, I was met with eyes of pity. They looked at me like the cripple I am and treated me like a fragile broken child who needs assistance with every step. I wonder how they think I manage to get through every single day? I don't have a live-in nurse that cares for me, I DO take care of myself. I AM a little slow but I'm not a precious vase about to fall on the floor that needs catching before it smashes to the ground.  

Then there was the lightning storm going on for two hours and more. The gusty winds arose right before we left as did a little thunder and lightning and I wanted to wait but no, hubby had to leave then and there. The dirt road was a sloppy mess as we swerved and swayed until it came to an end. Every swerve of the car sent a tingling pain up my back. The short trip to his mother's had the pain rising and rising with each clap of thunder and every sliver of lightning. We arrived in a downpour. I said I'd wait in the car, but I got so frustrated with myself, I hopped out and limped, cane in hand, to the front door. Hubby on arm trying to walk in his normal stride and me trying to keep up with my tiny limps, in the pouring rain and gusting winds. 

I try and understand that his family never sees me, and hasn't seen me using a cane and just expected bouncy-bouncy Joni, but instead, they were met with Tiny Tim. After his brother left, his aunt was right on me asking how I was doing and if I was still doing my protocol. I tried not to be snarky but it was quite hard as my back felt like a tightly wound rubber band about to snap and I really was not up to a visit that day. I just said yes, yes, I wake every day and thank God for another day. I was curt but not snarky. 

When I went to get up to use the bathroom his mother was about to leap into action, "You need help?" Umm... no, but thank you. As I walked past her my husband was sitting there and I asked for some water and his mom quickly jumped up and said I can get it, I can get it. I love having people care, I love that they want to know more about how I'm handling my illness. I love that they don't even talk chemo with me, but a tightly threaded quilt will eventually dry rot. Remember, I'm here year round. Not that anybody ever asks about my writing but is as important to me as my husband's now-defunct blog he had while he was blind. Writing is my life and I live to tell my story. 

On the ride home from his moms the storms were still churning; hard to see, muddy roads a bigger mess but we made it home and my tears fell unseen as quickly as the raindrops. It was a trying day for me that no one understands. As stubborn as I am, I am not one to be pitied and the looks, the stares, they tore me apart shred by shred. While I know and understand how lucky I am to be in this family and to have people that care, you don't realize how much it hurts to know I have a family back home that couldn't give a rip about me. I never cross their mind in a day, month or a year. It makes me feel defensive and isolated when a person after months of not seeing me shows signs of caring. I go on.

Tuesday, the entire day was rainfall! Glorious rainfall with rolling thunder and a flash of lightning here and there but rain it did! I think we had ten storms in one day and they didn't stop until eleven at night. The temps dropped to normal on Monday, meaning Springlike temps of the 60's and yesterday the temps that were predicted near ninety barely made it to seventy. Alleluia Amen.

Like summertime storms, life comes at us unexpectedly. Sometimes the trials are easy to endure, at other times they're difficult. Sometimes it's a delicate rainfall, at times a hard downpour. Sometimes high winds, a few times tornadoes pop up. Surely you need to be ready but if you knew ahead of time that you were going to die, what would you do differently? If a doctor told you that you have six months to live, how would you spend those last six months? Me, I don't want to know. I want to live until I die and that's that. Sure I'll prepare myself for the storms about to strike but I will not sit here and count days and think each one my last. As long as God is my guide, I never fear the valleys. Don't pity me as I persevere! I go with God!

James 1:12 (NIV) “Blessed is the one who perseveres under trial because, having stood the test, that person will receive the crown of life that the Lord has promised to those who love him.” 

Haunting Christmas Day Storm

4 Ezra 15:38 “And then shall there come great storms from the south, and from the north, and another part from the west.”

Haunting Christmas Storm

I don’t know where you’re located but on Christmas day we here in the Midwest had the weirdest and darkest of storms almost wipe us out. 

Let me start by saying I had the most beautiful blessed day! I woke in the ever peacefulness of the morning, computer humming in the background, hubby already awake. I shuffled to the kitchen to start my morning coffee and allowed Sassy to go outside and do her morning business. 

Besides the wind smacking me in the face the fog wouldn’t allow my eyes to see any further than the road, so I ducked back in the house to see how the coffee was coming along, ahh, nothing like a house filled with the aroma of coffee!

We waited for Adam to make his presence known and then the excitement of gift exchange began. My favorite gift was a Grace VanderWaal CD! My second (or third) favorite gift was a Minion that TALKS! Says 25 different phrases and well, this excited me like any child ripping open presents on Christmas morn. Shut up! I hear you laughing, I was excited! 

They asked what I wanted and I really am not a person of want so anything was fine by me, but I think these people I live with know me too well and made their purchases of love with the knowledge of knowing and understanding my needs. Yes, I needed that Minion to bring a much-needed smile to my face! 

The Grace tape brought tears to my eyes because I didn’t think anyone would remember how much I admire this twelve-year-old prodigy! But hubby remembered! Then there were the adult coloring books! You know coloring books for grown-ups that kids would find boring but I’m using them to keep my fingers exercised; kind of a physical therapy on myself.

I got Pepsi cups, a Pepsi apron (that covers my chest for when I’m slaving over the hot stove!) now I don’t ruin my shirt by that one splatter of sauce. And what else you ask? Well two letters, HP? Any guesses? A new and improved much-needed laptop. WOOHOO!! My old one has been going up for months now and his days were numbered as my days were just writing and going easy on the tired fella. Watching videos was like riding down the bumpy road in frustration waiting for the trip to end. No amount of cleaning was making the old fella work any better and hubby knew that and made sure my Christmas was a MERRY one!

I didn’t get to play with my toys because out here in the Midwestern part of the country, people eat dinner at noonish. Yes, noonish! I was kind of leery after looking into the deep thick fog that made viewing the outside world nearly impossible. It was if God had hung a veiled curtain over the window and was not allowing anyone to see pass the flowing mist.

Anxiously, we went on with our plans and all hopped in the truck and trudged on, falsely thinking that it could only get better out there right? Boy were we ever wrong. The dirt road was already a trembling puddle as the winds were causing the water to shiver as we drove. The drizzle became a downpour quickly as we hit the blacktop part of the road but the fog and rain were only getting worse. I wanted to go back! Home! Safety! 

We pressed on seeing it brighter up ahead but as we lurched ever so slowly as a slug on a slimy road, eerily the sky darkened to almost black as night. The fog had turned into a thick blanket then the rain, the torrential downpour coupled with what felt like a hundred mile an hour winds basically pushing the car off of the road to the side where a ditch was only the next place to go. 

Lightning crashed thunder erupted, and winds pushed. I saw a car pull over and he just sat there waiting for the monsoon-like winds and rain to stop pulsating so that we could eek along on a nearly empty road barely missing hydroplaning our way into a ditch. I felt as if I was in the Twilight Zone special feature and I would surely wake up and all would be sunny and bright after passing through the time warp vortex. 

I wanted to turn around and go back home but I wasn’t the one driving and after all, we had made it this far. I must’ve said ten Our Father’s before reaching his brother's place and yes, we were the first to arrive as the rest of the family was facing the same exact thing that we had just been through. 

All of the family arrived safely, each with their own version of what they had just experienced driving through but like I said we all made it safely to the Family Celebration. Although worries of the turkey not making it, fear of food poisoning hung over the get-together, quickly gone after eating all of the extremely good food that survived. The turkey was fine really but the caution was there for us to decide after the oven had failed early in the morning hours, rendering Tom drying out time in a cooling oven.

The day was drawing to a close. I was getting antsy wanting to play with my new toy at home and briefly the sun shone and pierced the darkened skies just as the Light of the Lord will do for any soul living in the dark. All three of us were ready to part before another predicted storm hit. 

The only thing that hampered the drive home was the winds that had calmed to about 50 mph but we made it home, listened to the howling wind hurl small limbs at the house, shred shingles from the rooftop and pound on the walls like an anxious intruder. Outside tables and chairs were flipped upside down, chimes broke free from the branches where they hung, but we all made it through yet another Christmas day.

Except for the weird wind, strange fog, and thundering lightning the day was perfect. Yet another Pop Singer (one of my faves) died and 2016 will stand out as the most Perfectly Imperfect year to date, for ME!!!! Fittingly, Perfectly Imperfect is Grace VanderWaal’s CD’s name! 

Now onto the days AFTER Christmas… 

Poetry Sunday ~ Memory Lane

4 Ezra 4:40 (Hebrew bible) “And I took it, and drank: and when I had drunk of it, my heart uttered understanding, and wisdom grew in my breast, for my spirit strengthened my memory:”

Memory Lane

Strolling down memory lane

I peel the years away

It’s all I can do to find the pain

And heal the years at bay

I remember childhood wonders

And how they came to being

With all the plights and plunders

Is what my mind is seeing

Reeling from the hurt-filled past

A life that no one knew

Into years my rod was cast

The good ones were but few

With all the bad that shaped me

The good was carved in stone

A haunted past I had to flee

My choice to stand alone.

A home in God is what I found

As truth and Light felt right

By days of old I’ll not be bound

I’ll soar the star-filled night.

The Truth Hurts

Gen.1:1 “In the beginning God created the heaven and the earth.”

The Truth Hurts

Well, yesterday was a good day even with summer rearing its ugly head to let me know it hasn’t gone too far away. Sometimes summer does that, it holds onto the season until the very last day and sometimes longer not wanting to let go and release the cooler temperatures of autumn!

After a quite refreshing couple of days in the fifties, eighty degrees raised the bar yesterday. Sure I stayed inside and did my work but I could feel the warmth tapping on the closed windows wanting to heat the house. Then last night we had a thunderstorm that washed away the heat in a light show beyond comparison. Flashing across the sky, lightning lit up the south, west and northern portions of the sky, the strobe light blinked in red and bluish hues. 

You could say I got a wake-up call yesterday in speaking the truth, right or wrong? I called my mother like I normally do at the same time every evening. I was in a relaxed mode as we had settled in to watch our movie but I pause the movie every evening to call my mother back home.

I could sense harshness in her tone but I shrugged it off as the conversation continued. She had said that she had a bad day, I knew what that meant but I prodded for more info and maybe I should have just ended the call by saying maybe a better day tomorrow but  it’s my mother, I needed to know if she was okay. 

A little back-story might help you with where I’m going with this. My mother lost her best friend, her husband of sixty years and she misses him intensely! A bad day means she just sits there thinking about him, his illness, his hospital stay, and most heart-wrenchingly, his death. As is to be expected, she has her good days and her bad days.

It hurts me to no end that I can’t be there for her but my calls have got to be enough at this juncture in my life and MY healing. She went on how my sister took her out to lunch and a little shopping. I know it’s good for her to get out and that is her healing mechanism, to shop. It always has been.

She told me about a book she read (this is where the conversation went downhill) about a young boy who died and went to heaven and came back and told this story of meeting Jesus in heaven and his deceased sister (that he had no knowledge of before the coma). The story Heaven Is for Real is the book she was referring to. 

She went on to tell me that because of THAT book she believes Heaven is for real and that ‘I’ should read the book to see for myself. I told her I READ a book that tells me heaven is for real called The Holy Bible. She retorted, “Oh, I’m going to read that one too.”

But then her tone became one of anger and she started berating me, “Why do you always have a conflicting response? Everything I say, you always try to correct me!”

Calmly I spoke and said, “I think I need to call you tomorrow.” I was not going to allow her bad day to leak through the phone and cause ME to have a bad day (too late) also. It already had in ways you don’t want to know. 

Was I wrong in telling her the truth? Should I let her believe Jesus is up there with a rainbow crown prancing with unicorns? Was I wrong in directing her to the bible? Should I let my mother holler at me like a two-year-old because she is grieving? I did and ended the call and afterward, I cried.

I told my son what had happened because he had overheard me, after talking to my mother, very loudly vocalizing my hurt from the phone call and then suffering a chest-tightening anxiety attack. 

His response? “The apple doesn’t fall far from the tree.” 

Yeah, I spat that at him more times than once, now it was his turn to fling those sentiments at me. Boy, I'm batting a thousand in the feel good vibes!

I explained to him that I respect our difference in beliefs; I don’t force my belief on him, I already lost that battle and he is his own person believing what he wants. But no one wants to respect MY beliefs. So now here I am…

Tears roll down my cheek as I wonder if all of this is in vain. Am I writing the truth, yes I know it is MY truth, to believers or non-believers? Do the non-believers think I’m an overbearing, pompous, bible thumping donkey? Do believers believe the same truth? Prayer…lots of prayer time for ME coming up in the following weeks, I’ll let you know how it turns out.

I know grief has no time limit. I understand the mourning process. I have lost all four grandparents (not the same as a husband), I’ve lost two children (not the same as a husband), I’ve lost a father, along with aunts and uncles to illness or suicide (not the same as a husband); so maybe I don’t understand my mothers’ grief. Maybe it IS normal for her to buy my father's cologne so she can inhale the fragrance he once wore. 

I don’t understand the loss of a husband and truly hope I don’t have to ever cross that bridge but one thing I AM certain of is Heaven, FOR ME! I’m not certain if my father is there, I don’t know if my mother will wind up there, I don’t even know if I’M going to end up there but… I DO KNOW HEAVEN IS THERE! I will strive to reach heaven, long for it, and always feel it within my grasp. 

Maybe I should just shut my mouth and stop my fingers now.

Matt. 18:3 “And said, Verily I say unto you, Except ye be converted, and become as little children, ye shall not enter into the kingdom of heaven."

Healing Through Prayer

1 John 2:1-2 (NIV)

My dear children, I write this to you so that you will not sin. But if anybody does sin, we have one who speaks to the Father in our defense -- Jesus Christ, the Righteous One. He is the atoning sacrifice for our sins, and not only for ours but also for the sins of the whole world.

Healing through prayer

The prayer of the righteous is powerful and effective. It may be just me, but I do not feel an emoticon is righteous and should not be used in the place of prayer, real earnest prayer. I have learned through watching and seeing, feeling and knowing that prayer encourages healing and this is where I’m at, for now.

Who are the ones paying when I don’t pray? The negative influencing people could care less about me or whether they are hurting me or they wouldn’t post what they do and consider the pain they might inflict on people. No, they continue spewing their hatred, flaunting the ego in laughter and using God’s word for their own feel good show. 

When I can’t make it onto facebook and see the prayer requests, the only one paying for my lack of prayer are those in need of prayer and thus satan thinks he is winning the game. As I find healing it is only through prayer that the power of prayer is realized. While satan was wielding his pitchfork and laughing at my seeming demise, I prayed. My God has always been stronger and more powerful and I knew I’d find healing.

I need to stop taking everything people write and post as a personal attack on ME! I need to know that people are human and going to act accordingly in the search for their egos survival for without their ego, they are nothing. To me, they are the Legion referred to in Luke. Men of many faces, hiding in the armpits of satan, wearing the many masks that evil offers.

Luke 8:30 “And Jesus asked him, saying, What is thy name? And he said, Legion: because many devils were entered into him.”

The darkened days are clouded over with an air of mystery as night after night, day after day storms erupt from the sky unleashing damaging lightning, gusting forceful winds, trembling thunder, and torrential rains that leave the newly plowed fields unrecognizable. The sun is hiding behind the darkness waiting to warm the moistened soil just as God is waiting for me to embrace the light that is hiding within me and to override the negative influence with the Glory of Him and Him alone.

While depression will lay dormant I will get on the horse and ride into the sunset that I know is there and it will cradle my thoughts. I will not make light of the darkness that covers my eyes, no I will see the sun lurking behind the cloud waiting to pierce the ground in the light beams that will eventually devour the gray murk of the days.

I don’t use pills to heal my daily pain, I don’t use alcohol to hide behind a storm inside, I don’t abuse food because it serves me no purpose. I won’t go to a doctor who is only there to tell me what I DON’T have wrong with me and can only confirm what IS wrong with me when the tally of the doctor bill reaches the thousands, THEN they’ll find what is wrong and will medicate me for the problem instead of finding HEALING for the problem.

Each day that passes, I will slowly emerge the victor of the storm stronger because the darkness didn’t win, this time, yet again. A flower will unveil one petal at a time. Buds will emerge and the winds will strengthen the stem. I will continue to write, as this is my God-given path that I must pursue. While my immediate family could care less if I write, I know there are people out in the world seeking that one person who is suffering with them and wish to read how they handle such circumstances and maybe THAT is why so many storms take hold of my life so that I can weather them and share my healing with others like me. 

I'll weather this storm and find my healing through earnest prayer. All praise and Glory to God. 

Phil. 4: 6-7 “Be careful for nothing; but in every thing by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known unto God.

And the peace of God, which passeth all understanding, shall keep your hearts and minds through Christ Jesus.”

The End is Near ~ Part II

2 Cor. 2:9 “For to this end also did I write, that I might know the proof of you, whether ye be obedient in all things.”

By Monday morning the news blasted across the screen that there were “43 dead across seven states after a week of devastating storms, flooding and tornadoes.” And now we can add California too with a wildfire. We can’t blame terrorism for this one now can we?

We can sit comfortably at home and laugh the hardy har har and politicize this, we can scoff and chuckle at the terms “Global Warming”, “Climate Change” or El Niño but you cannot sit at home and deny that SOMETHING is happening! Or is all this just ‘normal’ weather patterns for you? Tornadoes in December? A blizzard in El Paso? Normal you say?

On Christmas day as we were driving home, we were bombarded by pellets. Not snow, not ice and not rain but pellets. I felt like I was in the middle of a packing war because they looked exactly like the packing material used when shipping something. It felt strange because just the week before we were basking in the fifty degree range. Yeah I guess that’s normal for Nebraska in December. I’ve been here almost seven years and haven’t come to know this as a normal December for Nebraska.

Another strange event happened on Christmas. We arrived home in time for the sky to darken as lightning streaked across the sky. No thunder just lightning. In strobe like fashion it blinked as if the earth was being short-circuited. I knew that on this Christmas there would be a full moon, the first Christmas full moon in 38 years, so it kind of felt like a phenomenal climax to the season; the kind you never remember having in your lifetime?

Many will politicize this, laughing at the politicians who tried to tell us what they thought was happening. Some will try Biblicism and call on Bible scripture to say LOOK, it is written! Scientists will shout out that they have been warning us for years and everyone just seems to laugh it off!

My take on this is, and I’m no scientist, I think WE as a human race have done this to ourselves! Our earth was dependent on us as a species to take care of the planet but no, we had to go and ruin it with our greed for more, more, more; more cars, more planes, more materials, more houses, etc. !!

I think the earth is at war with us! All of the having more of this and more of that is having a detrimental affect on us as a human race. Just as we have been infecting ourselves with poison ie: think cholesterol, alcohol, drugs, (legal or not) and thinking there are no ramifications, we are injecting the earth with a poison and now we are feeling the disease running rampant on our planet. 

Science can PROVE this but we sit back and laugh because we’d rather politicize it and place blame on OTHERS, not ourselves! We can be like Chicken Little and cry out, “The end is near, the end is NEAR” until we are blue in the face. Until you start taking seriously that the sky is falling and not doing something about it, then my friend, this IS the end… of TIME!

And the year is not over…yet.

May God humble you in these darkened days and may you see the Light that lies at the end of the tunnel. God bless you all!

Rev. 2:26 “And he that overcometh, and keepeth my works unto the end, to him will I give power over the nations:”

Assessing the Damage

Acts 1: 7 And he said unto them, It is not for you to know the times or the seasons, which the Father hath put in his own power.

After this weekend and the nasty storms, it was time to assess the damage. We had winds I know topping the 70 mile mark and they were sustained winds which meant they did not pause between gusts.

I knew we were crazy to do our planting in May but I was getting antsy. It’s planting season by May right but nothing about this year has been normal weather wise. While some were saying this was a harsh winter here in Nebraska because we had a few nights that dipped down to 20 below, yes, that’s 20 below zero!

I say it WASN’T harsh because I remember a few days in December where Steven was still wearing shorts to work. Then a cold spell would hit then back up to the 70’s. We had no back-to-back blizzards as we had had back in 2009 when we moved up here from Texas. We barely had any snow at all this year.

A harsh winter would have rendered my perennials dead, as in the other years, but not this year. This year my perennials and trees showed signs of life in late February early March. It would dip down in the 30’s and bounce back to the sixties and it did that for a month, so I assumed spring was on the way, the calendar said so, right?

Now anyone who knows me, knows I absolutely LOVE winter, but when springtime surfaces it’s as if a bug has bitten me and infects me with the getting outside and assessing the gardens. But working in the cold and sweating and the wind gusting and blowing your hair all over the place is really no fun. It kind of takes away any springtime planting joy.

I despise summer. Yes, despise! Have you ever baked a potato to an excess and it shrivels? That is what summer is to me, time to bake and shrivel. Not much more enjoyment for me other than sitting in my house and watching the birds and creatures on the farm go about their summer business. I’m relinquished to the house. The heat has a negative affect on my body and some days I can’t even move!

For some reason, people are under the impression summer is the time to walk around half naked and expose their body. I saw one girl walk into WalMart in a bathing suit. It IS WalMart mind you and that is where you can see just about ANYthing and everything, but seriously? A bathing suit?

To the best of my recollection, we have four seasons. In February, people were wearing shorts (in all that eagerness to expose their bodies) and two days later they were wearing their parka!

May 15^th. That is the day I was waiting for. It is supposed to be the date where it is safe to do planting because nighttime temps should be safely above 65 degrees; should be anyway. Here it is June 19^th at 6 in the morning and it is a pleasant 60 degrees. We’ve had a FEW mornings where we were above 65, but a few to me is three. Yeah, that’s about it. Spring never arrived. It was either summer or winter, but never spring.

Anyway, by May 15^th we were ready to plant! We did some tilling, got the soil ready, and planted two rows of tomatoes and two rows of peppers, I went around the outside of the house planting Marigolds and Zinnia’s, my Hosta’s and Hollyhocks had surfaced and we were well on our way, right? Wrong!

We had quite a few cold nights at the end of May (some 40’s and 50’s) and I lost a few marigolds, and the tomatoes were hanging in there along with the peppers. Then the Saturday storm hit and hit pretty hard too.

Assessing the damage. The Hollyhock leaves were shredded with nary part of the leaves clinging to the stems. Marigolds were bent over and the flowers were laying inches away from the mother stem. I had a sunflower growing and all that was left standing was a stem, all the leaves were ripped from the stem.

Sunday, Monday and Tuesday was spent raking out the gardens of all the leaf debris that had fallen from the surrounding trees, and assessing the damage to the tomatoes and peppers and the newly sprouts of the Peach trees.

Survival. Truly I got a taste of what was meant by only the strong survive. A bitter taste but a taste nonetheless. I saw as leaves clung to the branches of my plants. I saw the stems standing strong after being whipped through the winds. I saw trees standing as if laughing saying, “You didn’t get ME.”  I witnessed the birth of a seedling rising out of the moistened soil. I saw life, new life going on and facing the days in the sun.

We’ve had a 95 degree day and 60 degree mornings. We’ve had rain, we’ve had loss and all that I gather from the entire experience is that there IS life after devastation. It may change perspective for you but you tend to see it all differently this thing called life.

As the Salvia sprouts new blossoms, as the Hollyhocks reform new leaves, as the Marigold releases new buds, as flowers form on the tomato and pepper plants, I see new life being shaped and formed by the devastating blows.

Ever the optimist, in assessing the damage, I see new life. I see all my plants going on and becoming stronger. I see anew spirit coming alive in my garden. They are all singing praises and lifting up their flower to the Lord chanting, “We will survive!” Until the next storm that is, when they get to do it all over again.

1 Chron. 29:12 Both riches and honour come of thee, and thou reignest over all; and in thine hand is power and might; and in thine hand it is to make great, and to give strength unto all.

The Days Without Internet

Pss. 55:8 I would hasten my escape from the windy storm and tempest.

The Days Without...

Well, my internet has been out three going on four days now. It went out late Saturday night during the storm. Storm? What storm? First…

Saturday we went to his nephews wedding. It was an odd wedding like none I’ve ever been to. The bride/groom wore white tip tennis shoes. You know like the Converse high-tops only they weren’t high tops? The invitation never stated ‘informal wedding’ so I wore my ankle length dress and sandals. It’s in style and can be worn as formal or informal so I felt I looked nice. Everyone else looked nice too except for the two or three that wore almost butt baring short mini-skirts with white tip tennis shoes mind you.

The very short ceremony was held at a reception hall, by I do believe, a female justice of the peace. A wedding/reception if you will. The vows took about ten minutes and poof the bride, groom and bridal party left afterward. The sign said they’d be back at six. They all had left to get pictures taken and went over to a park a few miles down the road.

So it was about 3:30 when they left and they’d return at six! Before the ceremony and after the ceremony we were treated to very loud rock music by the likes of AC/DC, Kiss, some Reo Speedwagon and such. You get the picture. The bride’s family were bikers and the groom’s side of the family are of the Baptist nature. While I did grow up on that type of music and it was all too familiar to me, it was interesting though, watching his aunt endure the noise.

The groom’s mom and dad aren’t church goers so they seemed to enjoy or at least bear with the whole kit and kaboodle. We had to sit and wait the two and a half hours close to three, smelling the food cooking in the background. We were all starving so that didn’t help. I’d go outside and look around at the scorching parking lot and feel the brisk winds to let myself know I was still here on the planet earth. A few had gathered outside where they had booze in the trunks of their car. One man who was already feeling his liquor commented on my skirt blowing up and I just smiled. How sweet. (not)

By this time my stomach was cramping so bad from eating Reese’s cups that were on the table; the only thing to eat while waiting. The bridal party had finally returned! We had to wait another twenty minutes while they all got to the food first. Then it was our turn to stand in line, and finally, food! Spare ribs and chicken and some delicious salads, which is all I ate. I didn’t touch the ribs or chicken.

I did like the party favors though, little Converse high-top tennis shoes in every color of the rainbow. I took three, sue me, I was bored. I was asked more times than once when WE (Steven and I) were taking the plunge. After eleven years, no proposal and witnessing THIS wedding? I NEVER want to marry again! Seriously! While I love the kids, the sanctity of marriage is a little more than… oh never mind.

By eight o’clock we were more than ready to go home. As we approached the road home, we could see the sky blackened and lightning off in the distance, probably nearing our house. As we got closer and closer to the house the winds had picked up and drops of rain the size of my hand had begun falling. I was feeling uneasy.

We pulled up to the door, parked pretty close to the steps, and we proceeded to go in the house. By the time Adam put his foot in the door (Adam was the last one in) hail began to pummel the house. It beat for far too long for me and we began worrying about his mother and sister and them driving home right into this stuff.

Can I ask something? Why do people have cell phones if they’re going to leave them off and let voicemail pick up? What’s the point?

We were assessing the damage caused by the golf ball sized hail when his sister called. They made it home only to witness her daughters car get whopped by a baseball size hailstone and bust out the rear window of her car. They couldn’t stand around looking because the hail just kept coming. They all made it home safe.

Well now, that’s exciting for a day isn’t it? Well that wasn’t it…

About two hours passed and we went to bed while lightning like a strobe-light lit up the sky! We knew we were in for a big one because my Weatherbug said so. Now I go out quick and rest for a good eight hours before I wake but by 11:30 I was jilted awake by thunder, lightning and WIND. High winds! High enough for me to be scared outta my wits! With computers off, I relied on my emergency radio.

Once on, we listened as tornado warnings were all around us. The winds howled, the house shook, water came in wherever there was a crack, I saw a small branch that looked like a tree fly by the window, leaves were being tossed around like a windy fall day. Me? I prayed.

I went and sat on the sofa clutching my bible in my hands and continued to pray as the roaring wind went on and on all around me. Tick tock there goes the clock, anticipation as I could hear the wind slowing it’s pace and the thunder rolling away from us.

I remembered my last words to my friend on facebook before the second storm hit, “I’m protected.” I had signed off with a goodnight and God Bless and that was the last I saw of the internet.

Sunday I awoke still cramped. (I never eat chocolate so I guess my stomach knew I had ate something foreign to my system.) The sun had not yet risen but there was enough morning light for me to see. My back lawn was covered in leaves and branches, not big branches but heavy enough to have to put in our wagon to move. My neighbor’s house had a big branch lying across the roof, where it had damaged a portion of her chimney.

I turned on my computer, not surprising, no internet. Still reeling in pain, I couldn’t even THINK of going to church. Oh I thought of God and I sang soft praises and thanked Him for protecting me. I knew He would and after hearing of all the devastation with downed power lines and silo’s toppled, farm crops shredded to pieces, I knew I was protected from something bigger that had gone on out there.

The days without internet. The guys of the house are antsy although they won’t admit it. Adam read an actual book. Steven played his computer game but not without calling the service provider first who told us they’d send someone out by Wednesday, he checked the modem once or twice too. Me? I’m relishing the time without it! I’ve tended my ripped apart garden, de-weeded in spots, I’ve played chess and solitaire, cooked a nice meal and just enjoyed the quiet relaxing pace of life with no net! Brought back a lot of memories of my life BEFORE the internet came into my life.

My Year in Review

Matt. 6:8 Be not ye therefore like unto them: for your Father knoweth what things ye have need of, before ye ask him.

***

 January – It began, knowing full well I had to find a dentist, I had the money to cover the FULL bill, and was helped immensely by friends, with love and monetarily, in getting vitamins and herbs to aid with my deteriorating body. Thank you friends!

Steven, after being blind for three years, had his one eye restored in October, via a cornea transplant, and my body was not acting right by November. It was as if God was saying to me, “Now it’s your turn.” I’m okay with that.

February – The dentist appointment arrived, but it was only to go over the much- needed work I needed to have done. I think this is when an eye infection hit Steven, and many trips to Omaha were adding more pressure on my back pain rendering me practically unable to walk.

March and April – whizzed by in a flash. Trips to Omaha (they’re 6 hour drives at the least.) Trips to the dentist and Easter were fast approaching. I had a birthday squeezed in there somewhere. It’s a little foggy. (must be old age creeping in)

May- June – Found us in the garden growing pumpkins and tending flowers that were starting to grow. I found myself with many back issues haunting me and more dental visits were creeping along, slowly stealing my sanity. May was also the year my niece graduated so once again, another family function to attend.

Keep in mind, I love his family very much, miss my family, which I haven’t seen in six years, and surely was not feeling like a social butterfly. I wanted to crawl in my shell and just be left alone there. It was not to be. I embraced each function, continued going to Church, and my days were like ships out at sea, sometimes calm, cool and relaxing, while others were raging storms.

July – A very strange month for me. This is the month I felt a darkness crawling into the house like a thick fog. It hovered over the house mid-month so I sought the only refuge I knew, my church family. The one minister we visited with took things I said and turned it into a ‘me’ issue. Not realizing that evil is a sorely shunned issue. It hung like a wet blanket over my days, trying to smother me and I turned to what I know best, prayer and meditation. The Light is a much better trustworthy companion when fighting the dark. Yes I’m weird and strange, but I know there is only one way to fight a darkly lit room, and that is by turning on the LIGHT!

August – Another very hot month and having not a drop of rain was depressing. Farmers were hurting, flowers were struggling, pumpkins were growing, and Steven was getting antsy behind the keyboard and wanting to renew his license. He had gotten glasses, and was now ready to take the next step, getting his license restored; taken away when he went blind, his sight now restored meant a license to drive once again.

He took the test and failed the first time, the second time, but the third time, he passed. With a forty-mile driving range restriction, he was now a functional man once again.

My back pain was still there like a throbbing sore thumb, but I plowed ahead in Joni fashion and took each day as it came.

September – Ah September, the month I found my writing again, forged ahead, forgiving old hurts, and reconnecting with old friends I thought were gone out of my life. Restrictions were placed on the class I took, but I didn’t let it shape my renewal of writing. I was not going to allow the same people, who attacked me a year earlier, to dry up my love of writing once again and the six-week course went forward, I accomplished my goal and was writing once again.

During this time, Steven was job-hunting effortlessly. He would take anything that got him out of the house and made to feel like a part of society once again.

WalMart accepted him and he was happily in the work force once again!

October- November – With sore legs and back Steven worked his 30-hour workweek and the hours in the chill were settling into him. He was/is happy. A shopoholics dream; a job at WalMart! lol

Me, my pain soared me through these last months of the year. I was happy if he was happy and that is all that matters.

Not being a lover of family, WalMart insist its workers work on National Holidays. My Thanksgiving was spent at home, with Adam and I embracing the day and making it a day of Christmas decorating to surprise Steven after a long hard day at work.

Sure everyone told me of their many off day Thanksgiving celebrations, and working on T-day, but this was MY very first T-day without a Turkey day celebration.

December – Well this month was not without its turmoil. In Joni-fashion, it was full of drama. The month of November ended with an eye infection for Steven, but this time it was his bad eye. We really didn’t think anything could happen in that eye but Dec. proved to be a trying and challenging month for us both. The infection was too severe for treatment and we were told the eye had to be removed. A lot of confusion with all of that, I can tell you that much. But four trips to Omaha in two weeks, one week of missed work (thank you WalMart for understanding), and a lot of emotions were running wild. My back responded with rendering me unable to really lift my right leg, leaving me crippled and rendered me almost incapable of shuffling across the floor, dragging my leg behind. All my shopping had to be done online and I missed the stores for the holidays (and who says there isn’t a God?) lol I’m the opposite of Steven in that matter, I hate shopping, hate, hate, hate it!

Steven was back to work after his operation and week off, and the holiday was spent at his brother’s house. Steven had to work Christmas eve, and 8 in the morning the day after Christmas, but he did it.

Me, I’m still wobbly and fighting tooth and nail to be able to walk normal again.

Allow me to have a bragging moment. Adam has been GREAT through all of this. I don’t know about you, but how many boys do you know that would do the vacuuming, and dishes and dusting and stuff, when they knew their mother couldn’t? Mine did, and more! Shoveling snow, putting groceries away, taking care of things I couldn’t! I can honestly say, I’m a pretty proud mom.

You might read this and think, “Wow, that wasn’t a good year.” Or you might say, “Mine was worse than THAT!” But can you say, “I’ve had a year of blessings layered throughout my bad year?” Well I can. Sure I could see this as not a ‘good’ year per se, but know, there have been too many God given blessings for me to say it was a bad year.

In a year where I needed more money than I had, all was provided for. No matter what my need for any given month, God saw to it that my needs were met. He may have used YOU, or YOU, or any number of people to fulfill the needs in my life, but know, my year was a blessing filled year, and not one day has gone by that I haven’t noticed God’s presence in my life.

While all around me people’s lives were torn apart, storms took lives, weather took your crops, insane men were driven mad and took lives; my life has been full and richly rewarded. I’m a living testament to Christ, and without Him in my life and my focus on Him and not me me me, left me spiritually full, richly blessed, and another great year to be alive.

Whomever it is you believe in, just know, YOU are blessed to be alive in these times.

God bless you all!

Poetry Sunday ~ The Storm

The Storm

Thunderheads mount the darkened sky

Rolling clouds pass on by.

Lightning rips right on through

Searing with an emblazoned hue.

The earth it rumbles underneath

stirring trouble in the heath.

The land is desolate and bare,

it washes over without a care.

Biting trees like sharks to blood

hitting the ground with a loud thud

Can you hear the brisk winds howl?

The mask of clouds they form a scowl.

Safely tucked and hidden away,

no words will come for me to say.

I feel the presence hanging low

As the booming sounds move to and fro.

I’m in the arms of God above

cradled in His warmth and love

To those who earth has left no home

here in Heaven I’m free to roam!