I Don't Want To Know

James 1:2 (NIV) “Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds.” 

I Don’t Want To Know

Something came up in conversation the other day with my husband. I was taking my supplements and pointed out that many were for inflammation. He responded with, “Did you ever think that’s not what it is?” Referring to my immense amount of daily pain. "Absolutely," I responded. I don't think of it often, but it certainly crosses my mind on occasion. Maybe it isn't inflammation, maybe it's worse. Yeah, I won't go the doubt route.

I feel negative comments surfacing on a regular basis now. I feel like others are doubting and it's not helping my journey any. I snapped back at my husband and told him that No, I don't wanna know if it is something else. I don't want to go to the doctors for them to hound me and tell me I should get chemo. I don't want to know if it has spread and I only have six months to live. I am persevering and doing everything I can to prevent death but then when you think about it, no one can prevent death, we're all going to die.

Memorial Day was no different with the poor poor pitiful Joni, looks. I didn't want to go to his mother's, but I did want to see the family. She wasn't having a cookout or anything, just a yearly gathering of his aunt and two uncles that we only get to see one or two times a year because two live out of state and one hours away. I didn't want to go because well, I'm in constant pain and it's a challenge to get out the door, down the steps, into the truck, back out of the truck, ascend more stairs and do it all over again when the visit is over.

I was also concerned with the questions that would be aimed at me. Luckily his brother was there with his wife and son so it kind of took the questions away from me. Instead, I was met with eyes of pity. They looked at me like the cripple I am and treated me like a fragile broken child who needs assistance with every step. I wonder how they think I manage to get through every single day? I don't have a live-in nurse that cares for me, I DO take care of myself. I AM a little slow but I'm not a precious vase about to fall on the floor that needs catching before it smashes to the ground.  

Then there was the lightning storm going on for two hours and more. The gusty winds arose right before we left as did a little thunder and lightning and I wanted to wait but no, hubby had to leave then and there. The dirt road was a sloppy mess as we swerved and swayed until it came to an end. Every swerve of the car sent a tingling pain up my back. The short trip to his mother's had the pain rising and rising with each clap of thunder and every sliver of lightning. We arrived in a downpour. I said I'd wait in the car, but I got so frustrated with myself, I hopped out and limped, cane in hand, to the front door. Hubby on arm trying to walk in his normal stride and me trying to keep up with my tiny limps, in the pouring rain and gusting winds. 

I try and understand that his family never sees me, and hasn't seen me using a cane and just expected bouncy-bouncy Joni, but instead, they were met with Tiny Tim. After his brother left, his aunt was right on me asking how I was doing and if I was still doing my protocol. I tried not to be snarky but it was quite hard as my back felt like a tightly wound rubber band about to snap and I really was not up to a visit that day. I just said yes, yes, I wake every day and thank God for another day. I was curt but not snarky. 

When I went to get up to use the bathroom his mother was about to leap into action, "You need help?" Umm... no, but thank you. As I walked past her my husband was sitting there and I asked for some water and his mom quickly jumped up and said I can get it, I can get it. I love having people care, I love that they want to know more about how I'm handling my illness. I love that they don't even talk chemo with me, but a tightly threaded quilt will eventually dry rot. Remember, I'm here year round. Not that anybody ever asks about my writing but is as important to me as my husband's now-defunct blog he had while he was blind. Writing is my life and I live to tell my story. 

On the ride home from his moms the storms were still churning; hard to see, muddy roads a bigger mess but we made it home and my tears fell unseen as quickly as the raindrops. It was a trying day for me that no one understands. As stubborn as I am, I am not one to be pitied and the looks, the stares, they tore me apart shred by shred. While I know and understand how lucky I am to be in this family and to have people that care, you don't realize how much it hurts to know I have a family back home that couldn't give a rip about me. I never cross their mind in a day, month or a year. It makes me feel defensive and isolated when a person after months of not seeing me shows signs of caring. I go on.

Tuesday, the entire day was rainfall! Glorious rainfall with rolling thunder and a flash of lightning here and there but rain it did! I think we had ten storms in one day and they didn't stop until eleven at night. The temps dropped to normal on Monday, meaning Springlike temps of the 60's and yesterday the temps that were predicted near ninety barely made it to seventy. Alleluia Amen.

Like summertime storms, life comes at us unexpectedly. Sometimes the trials are easy to endure, at other times they're difficult. Sometimes it's a delicate rainfall, at times a hard downpour. Sometimes high winds, a few times tornadoes pop up. Surely you need to be ready but if you knew ahead of time that you were going to die, what would you do differently? If a doctor told you that you have six months to live, how would you spend those last six months? Me, I don't want to know. I want to live until I die and that's that. Sure I'll prepare myself for the storms about to strike but I will not sit here and count days and think each one my last. As long as God is my guide, I never fear the valleys. Don't pity me as I persevere! I go with God!

James 1:12 (NIV) “Blessed is the one who perseveres under trial because, having stood the test, that person will receive the crown of life that the Lord has promised to those who love him.” 

It's Hard...

Pss. 63:8 “My soul followeth hard after thee: thy right hand upholdeth me.” 

It’s Hard…

As you know I haven’t written in awhile and many of my friends might be wondering how I’m doing. A meme on Facebook wishing you a good day doesn’t tell you, a meme exclaiming all is right with the world is not a picture in my window that all is well and a meme certainly can’t carry the pain I have on a daily basis. 

I’ve stopped complaining about the cold, wind and snow that left the trees bare right up until this week when we did a leap into summer, no spring, right into summer. We were in the thirties and forties two weeks ago, then bam the eighties. That is not a complaint by any means but it kind of throws you into the unpreparedness of the seasons.

All I have in my wardrobe is turtlenecks and fuzzy socks and they don’t bode well for eighty-degree heat. I have pants that don’t fit, shirts that drape me, and pains that won’t leave me. At one hundred pounds even my size six jeans is too big so now I don’t even have shorts for the summer. I have tennis shoes and sandals but I prefer wearing clothes as to not scare anyone from looking at this skeleton of a body. 

I’m slowly changing up my protocol, I’ve gone gluten-free so I can eat food, but nothing seems to be working these days, and I think my PH is so wonkey, that it is keeping me in the disabled column. The extremely cold horrendous snowy winter was not a friend to my illness in any way.

Then there is the grass that finally turned green and with days on end of clouds and some rain, the grass began rapidly springing up like a time-lapse show of growth. Then there was the thought of mowing; that was my summertime pleasure. I knew in this condition, my summer would be spent in the house and no pushing the lawn mower from one row of overgrown grass to the next. I more than likely would just be sitting at the window watching it grow as the world outside the window went on around me.

Yes, I do have a husband and a son who are more than capable of mowing but my son works about forty-five hours a week and my husband’s schedule has changed to five days a week. Granted he only works five hours a day but no one feels like coming home, after being on your feet for hours on end, to mow the lawn now, do they?

I had been asking for a riding mower for the nine years that we’ve lived here but it was just not feasible on a part-time salary and only one person working. It was on my bucket list of things to do before I die, own a riding mower. Yeah, that’s sad, mowing makes me that happy. 

When we first moved here the owner had a really nice riding mower and I took care of all three properties for four hours a day. Each week a new set of growth sprung up keeping me happy and busy until the belt broke, and the owner never got the machine fixed. He didn’t care; he’s a millionaire and doesn’t have to look at the three-foot-high grass. Hubby’s mom gave us an old faithful rusted up push mower that lasted until a few years ago when it finally went kaput! Even then we’d thought of a riding mower but illnesses kept it out of the budget. A newer push mower was affordable, somewhat.

Now this year I’m faced with an illness that should’ve kept the option of a riding mower out of the equation but I can smell my husband’s fear. It's hard; he’s trying so hard to be supportive and he even tried giving up sugar and cigarettes for me but fear won out. Not everyone is as strong as I am and I totally understand where he is coming from. I think everyone has some small measure of fear in the back of their minds that this just isn’t going to work. No one has DARED voiced those sentiments but instinctively I sense the emotions.

On Thursday, the third of May, he let me know he was stopping by Walmart for a hitch for his truck (I thought he already had one). I assumed the hitch was for a trailer so he could take his mother a bench he made for her for Mother’s Day. When he got home and I prodded him for information he announced he needed to find a trailer for a riding lawn mower he was purchasing. I cried. Tears of joy leaked down my cheek and a faucet full of tears came streaming down. 

I told him, “Don’t you dare tease me!” He assured me he wasn’t. I asked if he could get it delivered and he announced that they wanted $250 for delivery. He called around asking if anyone had a trailer, his brothers' trailer had bad tires. I was calling around asking to borrow money but to no avail, maybe the rider wasn’t in the cards. 

Friday morning came and when the small trailer his brother-in-law had was just that, too small, he decided to go rent one. Not realizing how cheap the rental was, after a lot of running around from store to store, he finally arrived at Walmart to pick up the floor model riding lawn mower to deliver to my waiting heart.

When he pulled up with the mower I couldn’t stop the tears. I was visualizing the many hours of enjoyment on the mower and how my husband went above and beyond to see me happy even by going in debt to own this machine that was now lighting my face with tears of happiness.

After about twenty minutes of the how-to’s, I was well on my way to mowing my lawn! He took the trailer back and left me alone with my new friend, Murray the mower; not a John Deere, or a Craftsman but Murray was MINE, all mine!!!!

When he returned home half of my lawn was already mowed. It’s a big lawn and I had to save myself some to cut the next day. I parked the mower right outside my window so I could wake the next day and see that it all wasn’t just a dream.

While walking and maneuvering might be hard this summer, mowing my lawn will NOT be a problem for any of us. Life is hard all around, not just for me, for everyone. My petty annoyances are nothing to what some other people have to go through. I am blessed to be alive, I cherish every moment I get, and I’m most thankful for a husband who loves me more than the sun shines, the earth spins and flowers bloom! (But no, not more than pork chops)

Be blessed and be grateful! God created it and it was good!

Poetry Sunday ~ Two Alpha Males

google image

Gen 4:9 “And the LORD said unto Cain, Where is Abel thy brother? And he said, I know not: Am I my brother's keeper?”

Two Alpha Males

Two Alpha males; stiff raised tails 

Evident hate for one another

Circling around with insolent sound

not friend, not father nor brother.

They’ll never know the daily blow

my soul had to take for them.

They’ll never know the pain although

they pool in their self-made phlegm

They think they’ll undo all that’s done

though no one holds the power

to fill my soul in a crumbled soup bowl

in their passive clouded shower.

Their souls misaligned I can’t define

the mismatched ego's they boost.

No one saw the pain; my time in the rain

Abandoned was I to roost.

Will one of them dare to give a care

for the woman they leave behind?

Grieve all alone, no soul of their own

I’ll soon be gone from their mind.

It pains me to say to this very day

the males make the path they take.

No Omega to roam the place called home

their lives a shattered earthquake.

May one day they see the deserted me

while chancing my love with their dance

I’m not impressed with fist thumping chest

Drifting alone I advance.

God be with you both 

Isa. 40:6-8 “The voice said, Cry. And he said, What shall I cry? All flesh is grass, and all the goodliness thereof is as the flower of the field:

The grass withereth, the flower fadeth: because the spirit of the LORD bloweth upon it: surely the people is grass. The grass withereth, the flower fadeth: but the word of our God shall stand for ever.

Poetry Sunday - Death Came Knocking

Job 12:22 He discovereth deep things out of darkness, and bringeth out to light the shadow of death.

Death Came Knocking

Slithering like a snake to tap

Tap tap on my shoulder unaware

I didn’t care if it bit, it bit me where

I never dared to see the color of death

From the icy clouds, it fell like snow

You know the kind, ice stings it binds

The flow, flowing down it fell it found

To skin be bound without a sound

Spray with waves crashing dashing

The mist sits as beads on my fist

I feel not real among the bliss of this

That walks along the path I kiss

Depart from me the cloak that came

Over me like falling rain, my tears not pain

To be me again as death came knocking

The clock tic tocking to remain the same

Haunting Christmas Day Storm

4 Ezra 15:38 “And then shall there come great storms from the south, and from the north, and another part from the west.”

Haunting Christmas Storm

I don’t know where you’re located but on Christmas day we here in the Midwest had the weirdest and darkest of storms almost wipe us out. 

Let me start by saying I had the most beautiful blessed day! I woke in the ever peacefulness of the morning, computer humming in the background, hubby already awake. I shuffled to the kitchen to start my morning coffee and allowed Sassy to go outside and do her morning business. 

Besides the wind smacking me in the face the fog wouldn’t allow my eyes to see any further than the road, so I ducked back in the house to see how the coffee was coming along, ahh, nothing like a house filled with the aroma of coffee!

We waited for Adam to make his presence known and then the excitement of gift exchange began. My favorite gift was a Grace VanderWaal CD! My second (or third) favorite gift was a Minion that TALKS! Says 25 different phrases and well, this excited me like any child ripping open presents on Christmas morn. Shut up! I hear you laughing, I was excited! 

They asked what I wanted and I really am not a person of want so anything was fine by me, but I think these people I live with know me too well and made their purchases of love with the knowledge of knowing and understanding my needs. Yes, I needed that Minion to bring a much-needed smile to my face! 

The Grace tape brought tears to my eyes because I didn’t think anyone would remember how much I admire this twelve-year-old prodigy! But hubby remembered! Then there were the adult coloring books! You know coloring books for grown-ups that kids would find boring but I’m using them to keep my fingers exercised; kind of a physical therapy on myself.

I got Pepsi cups, a Pepsi apron (that covers my chest for when I’m slaving over the hot stove!) now I don’t ruin my shirt by that one splatter of sauce. And what else you ask? Well two letters, HP? Any guesses? A new and improved much-needed laptop. WOOHOO!! My old one has been going up for months now and his days were numbered as my days were just writing and going easy on the tired fella. Watching videos was like riding down the bumpy road in frustration waiting for the trip to end. No amount of cleaning was making the old fella work any better and hubby knew that and made sure my Christmas was a MERRY one!

I didn’t get to play with my toys because out here in the Midwestern part of the country, people eat dinner at noonish. Yes, noonish! I was kind of leery after looking into the deep thick fog that made viewing the outside world nearly impossible. It was if God had hung a veiled curtain over the window and was not allowing anyone to see pass the flowing mist.

Anxiously, we went on with our plans and all hopped in the truck and trudged on, falsely thinking that it could only get better out there right? Boy were we ever wrong. The dirt road was already a trembling puddle as the winds were causing the water to shiver as we drove. The drizzle became a downpour quickly as we hit the blacktop part of the road but the fog and rain were only getting worse. I wanted to go back! Home! Safety! 

We pressed on seeing it brighter up ahead but as we lurched ever so slowly as a slug on a slimy road, eerily the sky darkened to almost black as night. The fog had turned into a thick blanket then the rain, the torrential downpour coupled with what felt like a hundred mile an hour winds basically pushing the car off of the road to the side where a ditch was only the next place to go. 

Lightning crashed thunder erupted, and winds pushed. I saw a car pull over and he just sat there waiting for the monsoon-like winds and rain to stop pulsating so that we could eek along on a nearly empty road barely missing hydroplaning our way into a ditch. I felt as if I was in the Twilight Zone special feature and I would surely wake up and all would be sunny and bright after passing through the time warp vortex. 

I wanted to turn around and go back home but I wasn’t the one driving and after all, we had made it this far. I must’ve said ten Our Father’s before reaching his brother's place and yes, we were the first to arrive as the rest of the family was facing the same exact thing that we had just been through. 

All of the family arrived safely, each with their own version of what they had just experienced driving through but like I said we all made it safely to the Family Celebration. Although worries of the turkey not making it, fear of food poisoning hung over the get-together, quickly gone after eating all of the extremely good food that survived. The turkey was fine really but the caution was there for us to decide after the oven had failed early in the morning hours, rendering Tom drying out time in a cooling oven.

The day was drawing to a close. I was getting antsy wanting to play with my new toy at home and briefly the sun shone and pierced the darkened skies just as the Light of the Lord will do for any soul living in the dark. All three of us were ready to part before another predicted storm hit. 

The only thing that hampered the drive home was the winds that had calmed to about 50 mph but we made it home, listened to the howling wind hurl small limbs at the house, shred shingles from the rooftop and pound on the walls like an anxious intruder. Outside tables and chairs were flipped upside down, chimes broke free from the branches where they hung, but we all made it through yet another Christmas day.

Except for the weird wind, strange fog, and thundering lightning the day was perfect. Yet another Pop Singer (one of my faves) died and 2016 will stand out as the most Perfectly Imperfect year to date, for ME!!!! Fittingly, Perfectly Imperfect is Grace VanderWaal’s CD’s name! 

Now onto the days AFTER Christmas… 

Refiners Fire ~ Perfection

Zech 13:9 “And I will bring the third part through the fire, and will refine them as silver is refined, and will try them as gold is tried: they shall call on my name, and I will hear them: I will say, It is my people: and they shall say, The LORD is my God.”

I’m Not Perfect!

I sometimes feel like I come across as a miss-know-it-all. Let me stop you right there in that thought, I am the farthest thing from known perfection since my son was born. To me, he was the most perfect thing I’d ever seen!

Guess what, he grew up and is not perfect either! Wow, how did something so perfect, reshape and transform into an imperfect being? Life, that’s how. Life happens to all of us and instead of being perfect we are refined. We are but grains of sand in a shell waiting to become the perfect pearl.

We are an imperfect species and as we grow we, in all of our instabilities, try to refine ourselves to become the most perfect beings possible. To me, there is only one way to achieving such status and that is to allow the Holy Spirit to live in me and take up a residence in my soul.

Only through the storms are we going to find the refiners fire to go through the hailstorm and shape our inner beings into something of perfection. Maybe not what perfection is to you but what perfection is to me. Since we’re all on different paths leading to different places we will all achieve our own perfection in our own time. Maybe not even in the time that we want or expect but by the Holy Spirits time. 

As I woke today and encountered a double rainbow I knew right then that there was a beauty that was going to encompass my entire day. If I were to allow negativity to drive my day it would have wiped the slate clean of such beauty so early in the morning.  The sun was struggling to peek through heavy clouds in the east while I was facing west and there it was a double-arced rainbow alight in wondrous color right before my eyes. 

I tried with all my might to see the beginning and the end of the rainbow and what I saw was myself, standing midway underneath the joyous arc. I smiled taking in all the beauty and became one with the luminous shape, so much so, I stood in the quiet coolness of the morning and allowed the aroma of the crisp air to shape my day.

As the day progressed the clouds swallowed the rainbow; lightning crashed as thunder erupted in a calamity of rumbles unleashing a torrent of rain that washed over the parched fields. I sat in the stillness of the darkness that had blanketed the room. The rain, calling me to write…I embraced my inner peace of perfection and sat to write today’s blog. 

No, no one is perfect and judging people for their imperfections makes you even less perfect than the Holy One had intended when he refined the pot of gold He shaped you into. He never left you alone to sort out this thing we call life. He never once made you feel that you had to achieve perfection because one thing I’ve learned, He loves us the way we are, only because in his perfection He created you! You ARE perfect in His eyes.

When my son drove off today to go to work in the rain, my maternal instincts wanted to worry about the muddy roads, the nighttime driving when he comes home and all the worries a mother faces but the words ‘I love you, mom’ as he drove off, was like a rainbow of peace washing over my soul. I thought of him going off in his own direction perfecting what his soul means to him. 

Peace has completed my day!

May the Light of the Lord wash over you all and bless you on your individual journey.

Poetry Sunday: God Is Crying

Isa. 22:5  "For it is a day of trouble, and of treading down, and of perplexity by the Lord GOD of hosts in the valley of vision, breaking down the walls, and of crying to the mountains."

God is Crying

God is crying once again

The ground is wet with shame

Man can’t see the pain God’s in

Your senseless acts to blame.

God is crying can you hear

The rumbling sounds that stir.

Heaven shakes as tears roll down

The earth to Him’s a blur.

God is crying can you see

The echoes mount the sky

Signs that leak from the clouds

But man dare not ask why.

God is crying do you know

More souls ascend, He bleeds

Fear tears down our only hope

Of fruit within his seeds.

God is crying can you taste

Corroded corpses embers

Here among the righteous 

Godly earthbound members.

God is crying can you feel 

The trembling of His feet

Earth erupts in quaking stance

To rhythmic tapping beat.

God is crying feel his grief

For man has left Him lonely.

I alone will take a stand

To hug Him once if only.

© Joni Zipp

posted on:July 15, 2016

repost 7 17 16

God Is Crying

Isa. 22:5  "For it is a day of trouble, and of treading down, and of perplexity by the Lord GOD of hosts in the valley of vision, breaking down the walls, and of crying to the mountains."

God is Crying

God is crying once again

The ground is wet with shame

Man can’t see the pain God’s in

Your senseless acts to blame

God is crying can you hear

The rumbling sounds that stir

Heaven shakes as tears roll down

The earth to Him’s a blur

God is crying can you see

The echoes mount the sky

Signs that leak from the clouds

But man dare not ask why.

God is crying do you know

More souls ascend, He bleeds

Fear tears down our only hope

Of fruit within his seeds.

God is crying can you taste

Corroded corpses embers

Here among the righteous 

Godly earthbound members.

God is crying can you feel 

The trembling of His feet

Earth erupts in quaking stance

To a rhythmic tapping beat.

God is crying feel his grief

For man has left Him lonely.

I alone will take a stand

To hug Him once if only.

© Joni Zipp

Healing Through Prayer

1 John 2:1-2 (NIV)

My dear children, I write this to you so that you will not sin. But if anybody does sin, we have one who speaks to the Father in our defense -- Jesus Christ, the Righteous One. He is the atoning sacrifice for our sins, and not only for ours but also for the sins of the whole world.

Healing through prayer

The prayer of the righteous is powerful and effective. It may be just me, but I do not feel an emoticon is righteous and should not be used in the place of prayer, real earnest prayer. I have learned through watching and seeing, feeling and knowing that prayer encourages healing and this is where I’m at, for now.

Who are the ones paying when I don’t pray? The negative influencing people could care less about me or whether they are hurting me or they wouldn’t post what they do and consider the pain they might inflict on people. No, they continue spewing their hatred, flaunting the ego in laughter and using God’s word for their own feel good show. 

When I can’t make it onto facebook and see the prayer requests, the only one paying for my lack of prayer are those in need of prayer and thus satan thinks he is winning the game. As I find healing it is only through prayer that the power of prayer is realized. While satan was wielding his pitchfork and laughing at my seeming demise, I prayed. My God has always been stronger and more powerful and I knew I’d find healing.

I need to stop taking everything people write and post as a personal attack on ME! I need to know that people are human and going to act accordingly in the search for their egos survival for without their ego, they are nothing. To me, they are the Legion referred to in Luke. Men of many faces, hiding in the armpits of satan, wearing the many masks that evil offers.

Luke 8:30 “And Jesus asked him, saying, What is thy name? And he said, Legion: because many devils were entered into him.”

The darkened days are clouded over with an air of mystery as night after night, day after day storms erupt from the sky unleashing damaging lightning, gusting forceful winds, trembling thunder, and torrential rains that leave the newly plowed fields unrecognizable. The sun is hiding behind the darkness waiting to warm the moistened soil just as God is waiting for me to embrace the light that is hiding within me and to override the negative influence with the Glory of Him and Him alone.

While depression will lay dormant I will get on the horse and ride into the sunset that I know is there and it will cradle my thoughts. I will not make light of the darkness that covers my eyes, no I will see the sun lurking behind the cloud waiting to pierce the ground in the light beams that will eventually devour the gray murk of the days.

I don’t use pills to heal my daily pain, I don’t use alcohol to hide behind a storm inside, I don’t abuse food because it serves me no purpose. I won’t go to a doctor who is only there to tell me what I DON’T have wrong with me and can only confirm what IS wrong with me when the tally of the doctor bill reaches the thousands, THEN they’ll find what is wrong and will medicate me for the problem instead of finding HEALING for the problem.

Each day that passes, I will slowly emerge the victor of the storm stronger because the darkness didn’t win, this time, yet again. A flower will unveil one petal at a time. Buds will emerge and the winds will strengthen the stem. I will continue to write, as this is my God-given path that I must pursue. While my immediate family could care less if I write, I know there are people out in the world seeking that one person who is suffering with them and wish to read how they handle such circumstances and maybe THAT is why so many storms take hold of my life so that I can weather them and share my healing with others like me. 

I'll weather this storm and find my healing through earnest prayer. All praise and Glory to God. 

Phil. 4: 6-7 “Be careful for nothing; but in every thing by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known unto God.

And the peace of God, which passeth all understanding, shall keep your hearts and minds through Christ Jesus.”

Weather the Storm

Pss.148:8 “Fire, and hail; snow, and vapour; stormy wind fulfilling his word:”

Many many people go through trials and tribulations but not everyone handles the storm they’re passing through in a graceful manner. I’ve been through too many storms to count but always I try to hold my head up in optimism and trudge through the blaring winds that season my face.

I don’t allow the storms to break me instead I let them build me up into a stronger being. By writing about my storms, I share with you the fact that not all storms are damaging. Take for instance Friday when my hubby came home from work and told me he lost his job. Granted it wasn’t a great job to begin with but it was a job. 

Him being ‘disabled’, blind in one eye and limited driving, he has to take what he can get which makes finding a job pretty challenging for him. He’ll never be able to go back to the forty-hour workweek like he had when we lived in Texas and he worked for UPS on the high-income end of the tax bracket. No, since he went blind for two and a half years it humbled us beyond measure. We took on a new way of living. 

We normally take on storms like brushing hair out of our eyes; we just whip them away and move onto the next challenge. That’s how we roll. This time is no different; I didn’t shatter into a million pieces nor did he when he was ‘let go’ to put it mildly.

I twiddled my thumbs anticipating the anxiety he must have felt being the breadwinner of the household. Since I’m disabled, can’t work and can barely take care of the household things that need to be done around here, of course I wondered what his next course of action would be in this matter.

Monday he was online filling out applications and Tuesday he received a call for an interview on Wednesday and Wednesday found him at the job interview and it ending with ‘come in Sunday to train’!!! Wow, talk about a storm passing over! Praise God!

There are drawbacks but none my man can’t handle. It’s not a lot of hours but he can’t put in more than 30 with his limited driving. He can’t drive in the dark and cannot exceed a sixty-mile radius, which really puts him for whatever job is out there in the Kearney area that is willing to work his limitations into their schedule. I know with summer months we get more daylight but many won’t work around him to satisfy their job requirement. 

It really stinks being limited but hey, living in the midst of a storm constantly is a learning experience not too many could handle. We weather these storms wrapped in God’s loving arms and just when you think it is settling down, WHAM another storm.

“Life is not about waiting for the storm to PASS, it’s learning to DANCE in the rain!”

I wonder why a candle with that quote is prominently displayed on my table? Because I love dancing in the rain. When God tosses a storm my way, I don’t run and hide under an umbrella, I let the rain roll down my cheeks, I let the wind blow through my hair, I sometimes tremble at the ferocity of the lightning but then I still, dance in the rain.

God’s like that sometimes, He tosses storms your way to see how you’ll handle what He throws at you. You either become a testimony for His greatness or you hid under a rock, the choice is always your own.

Isa. 25:4 “For thou hast been a strength to the poor, a strength to the needy in his distress, a refuge from the storm, a shadow from the heat, when the blast of the terrible ones is as a storm against the wall.”

Poetry Sunday ~ Unity

Gen. 9: 13 “I do set my bow in the cloud, and it shall be for a token of a covenant between me and the earth.”

Unity

In the midst of beauty lies

Darkness gathered round

I heard it in the stillness there

Uncertainty with a sound

Join the voices calling out

Be one with God and man

In the stirrings of the heart

The Light to which I stand

The rainbows arc dances loud

Across the sunlit sky

In the back a darkened shroud

I hear the people cry.

Rain explodes from the span

Puddles form from drops

Divided in a darkened sky

A rainbow then erupts.

One color never shines alone

They join to cast a bow

A shower of solidarity

Men and women wish to know.

Only God can be the judge

Of man and earthly sin

The rainbow is a promise

Of the flood we’ll never win.

Gen. 9:16 “And the bow shall be in the cloud; and I will look upon it, that I may remember the everlasting covenant between God and every living creature of all flesh that is upon the earth.”

 

 

 

Sometimes...

"Just because a person ‘looks’ fine on the outside, doesn’t mean they aren’t suffering with debilitating pain on the inside. Just as you wouldn’t judge a book by its cover, don’t judge a person because they ‘look’ fine." ~ Joni

Sometimes…

Sometimes… my tears fall down like rain

Sometimes… I smile through all the pain

Sometimes… I’m judged by what you see

Sometimes… there's no fun in being me.

Sometimes… the clouds wash o’er my soul

Sometimes… I’m left not feeling whole

Sometimes… someone should take my hand

Sometimes… I need you to understand.

Sometimes… the sun don’t ever shine

Sometimes… I’m not doing ‘fine’

Sometimes… the tears won’t ever fall

Sometimes… I hide behind it all.

Sometimes… I hear the Lord demand

Sometimes… He says child take my hand

Sometimes… when tears fall down like rain

Those times… He carries all my pain.

Job 33:19 He is chastened also with pain upon his bed, and the multitude of his bones with strong pain:

 

 

Do I Fear?

Pss. 143:7 Hear me speedily, O LORD: my spirit faileth: hide not thy face from me, lest I be like unto them that go down into the pit

Do I Fear...

I don’t live in fear but yesterday I felt a twinge before posting my poem post to facebook. I expected no reply and got no reply. Eighty friends and only three LIKES? Boy that makes me feel like all the writing I do is worthwhile. I haven’t posted on my FB wall since Christmas Eve and I’m all the better for it; I’ve written for the first twelve days of the New Year. I feel liberated, alone, but free from the restrictions FB places on me as a human being.

“Poetry is when an emotion has found its thought and the thought has found words.” 

~Robert Frost

As the sun rises in a flaming ball of fire and clouds brush over to hide it in the shadows I’m reminded that that is how life is. Sometimes you’re standing in the spotlight of the world with all eyes on you and then it happens, a mist falls over your face veiling you and placing you in the darkness of the shadows.

Do you cower in fear or reflect on what is taking place? I choose reflection. Only because in the shadows the reflection becomes more clear for you to see. The only thing I fear in life is the Wrath of God. As I’ve said in previous posts, I don’t feel ready to grab even the first rung of the ladder into Heaven.

As I watch others prance around in confidence or blindly traipse as if there is nothing to be concerned with, after all they’re guaranteed the walk up the ladder because they believe. I’ve said it before, I’m not so sure that just believing is the route to heaven.

“To let God make us, instead of painfully trying to make ourselves; to follow the path that his love shows us, instead of through conceit or cowardice or mockery choosing another; to trust Him for our strength and fitness as the flowers do, simply giving ourselves back to Him in grateful service,—this is to keep the laws that give us the freedom of the city in which there is no longer any night of bewilderment or ignorance or uncertainty.”
~ Sarah Orne Jewett, A Country Doctor

I found this author (thanks Bob) and practically fell in love. I’m in search of her writings because she sounds so much like me I had to do a double take. Her quote above is dead on. We can not make ourselves, only God can do that. And too often I see people trying too hard (conceit?) to make themselves something they’re not.

“Trust Him for our strength and fitness like the flowers do…” Very well put Ms. Jewett.

Flowers do not feed themselves with dogma, doctrine or debates. They are fed with earth, Light and rain. A Rose does not compete with the Lily; they have acquired their own beauty in their own right/rite. They don’t need to be the best and most popular in the garden, they just need to be…ALIVE. And THAT my friends is what I’m striving for; to simply give back to God the beauty He has shown me, nothing more, nothing less. I will walk the path He has placed in front of me and be grateful for every step I’m allowed.

May God bless you on your journey.

"I learned the hard way that I cannot always count on others to respect my feelings, even if I respect theirs. Being a good person doesn't guarantee that others will be good people. You only have control over yourself and how you choose to be as a person. As for others, you can only choose to accept them or walk away."
— Unknown Author

 

 

Poetry Sunday ~ A Spring Storm

Deut. 32: 2 My doctrine shall drop as the rain, my speech shall distil as the dew, as the small rain upon the tender herb, and as the showers upon the grass:

A Spring Storm

A melody rings out in a thunderous clap

Lightning passes in a wondrous flash.

Rumbles are heard in a bellowing sound

Droplets form puddles; a triumphant splash.

Eager to taste the moist rain on my lips

Soaked is my flesh; refreshed I am bathed.

The element of water so tried and true

Unleashed in its fury I escape unscathed.

The earth is saturated, plants sigh in relief

Such a storm commanding the land.

The heat for a moment lifts from this place

Quenching the drought with a wave of His hand.

Finally Friday

"You must write for yourself, above all. That is your only hope of creating something beautiful." ~Gustave Flaubert
***

It has been a long week. A good week, but unseemingly long to say the least. Adam finished up school on Tuesday, finally getting the year of being bullied behind him. He wrote a story for his English class, and was pretty successful in bringing home a complete story. It’s official, my kid can write! I’ve taught hime everything I know, except one thing you can’t teach, is writing. You’re either born with it or your work sounds forced. He is a natural! *happy momma*

He also won some ribbons for his art. I am pretty excited about that, so much so, I hung them all on his wall and surprised him when he came home on his last day, Tuesday. The teacher let him have them on Monday, but the one where he received Grand Prize was missing. I’m assuming someone liked it so much they wanted it for themselves, but the teacher still gave him the purple ribbon!

It has been cold and windy and yes, my heat was still churning on May 20th! I have to admit, weather wise, this has been one strange year. This week alone we received well over four inches of rain, throughout the week. An awesome downpour but I feel for the farmers whose fields look drenched solid.

As for writing, I’ve been focusing more on my writing and websites of writers. I can’t just stay in one place, as much as I love, adore, respect Writers Village University and F2K, there comes a time when one needs to expand their options. And this is one of those times in my life where I feel I’ve hit a roadblock, and need to see what is over the horizon of my journey.

I’m refocusing, prioritizing, and really just shaking up the normal routine of things, because you have to admit, eating oatmeal every single day for five or six years straight kind of becomes a boring and untastey ritual no matter what you add to it, thinking it will perk up. It doesn’t, it is still oatmeal.

I’m also realizing along the way, who my true friends are. It’s sad to see the ones whom I thought were, are not really ‘friends’ per se, and the ones whom I thought were just drifters are true friends. A strange world we live in. My advice on the writing trail: watch your back always. Protect your heart indefinitely. See through the hypocrisy and be yourself. Don’t try to be someone else, so that people will like you, because most of the time, people will see right through you.

Remember to watch your words carefully. Your words can cut wounds into the heart of someone, just as theirs can be like a knife, slicing down the skin and all the innards within falling on the floor.

Well folks...it has arrived. It is Finally Friday!!!

What a May...

No matter how long the winter, spring is sure to follow. ~Proverb
***

Well May is almost over and while I wonder where the first five months have gone, I need only look back over my posts.

I remember a time when March 21 signaled the ‘soon-to-be-arriving’ Spring. We sat day after day in anticipation of the flowers bursting their little heads through the soil, the bees onto doing their work for the season, even the ants peeked out in anticipation of the season and prepared for the next.

This year, Spring has yet to arrive. My Day Lilies have came out to greet the day, but have been bearing the brunt of high winds and chilly temps since they made their appearance. Yup it is still in the forties at night here in Nebraska, and the winds are still unbearably gusty. The days drag on in anticipation of the school year ending and hopefully the arrival of Summer, which I’m sure will be wiped out by Old Man Winter rearing his ugly mug way too soon!

We’ve had anniversaries, the 16th was our Eighth Anniversary, we’ve had birthdays, graduations, end of season sporting events taking place, all the while the winds of change have not embraced me.

We reached the twenty-first of May and I look back and think, have you written this year? I have to admit, my writing muse has taken a small break. Just too much going on with doctors visits, storms, stress and more stress. It cradles me like a newborn babe and doesn’t want to release me into the grown-up world in which I live!

Adam, my son, has gotten an ear infection. Actually TWO of them and a sinus infection. He is in his last seven days of school, four of which have been spent in bed, taking meds and trying to recover! And I’m sitting here wondering if Spring will ever tap me on the shoulder, shake me like a  pair of maraca's, and wake me from this hypnotizing funk that I seem to be in.

I’ll get back to writing. It is in my blood, it’s in my heart, writing has consumed my soul. I know there is more to life out there but right now, all I see are winds and I can find comfort in here, with my writing.

I think if you’re a writer, you know what I’m talking about. You try to do other things, but writing keeps calling you back as if it has a straight-landline to the fingers and it’s telling you to write write write!

If you bought into May 21 being the end of the world, I pray for you. The world can not end until my novel is published and THAT, you can bank on! :)

It's spring fever. That is what the name of it is. And when you've got it, you want - oh, you don't quite know what it is you do want, but it just fairly makes your heart ache, you want it so! ~Mark Twain

Poetry Sunday~ I am but a Flower

I am but a Flower

I am but a flower dancing in the sun
protected by Light since my life begun.
I am but a flower flowing in the warm breeze;
safely sheltered by the low hanging trees.

I am but a flower with a purpose in life
I grow and learn through trials and strife.
I am but a flower planted firmly in soil
too much water and my roots will spoil.

I am but a flower please understand
my duty in life is to beautify land.
I can not be plucked and placed where one needs
I have to grow to nurture my seeds.

I’m am but a flower reaching for the sky
Some days I wilt and never know why.
I need some nutrients to replenish my soul
to make this flower feel beautifully whole.

I am but a flower rained on from above
Given life by His gracious love.
Although I grow I have high ambition,
Remember this rose has a sweet smelling mission.

End Times?

What is the world coming to?
Am I the only one who isn’t asleep? Am I the only one that is fully aware of the cataclysmic events taking place on our planet? Am I the only one who CARES? I’m not just referring to Global Warming here, I’m referring to the demise of living breathing human beings.

Is everyone running around with the "me, me, me" mindset? Me first, My turn, mine, mine, MINE! Are we blind to all of the catastrophe’s taking place around us? Are you not even raising one eyebrow as earthquakes erupt in Indianapolis, Illinois? In Nevada? I’ve found a site that list all the recent activity in the past 8-30 days, why not take a look and see if it frightens you any. (title link)

On April 21, 2008 a 4.0 earthquake hit Illinois. Off the coast of Oregon has been hit with NUMEROUS seismic activities, (too many to list here.) 4-22-08 Utah and Nevada. 4-23-08 Colorado.

Does this not make you think that something a little bit bigger than ourselves is at work here? So what do we do? Do we continue in our selfish ways? Watch as wildfires burn thousands of acres of land? Sit idle while tornadoes sweep across our homes with a vengeance? Observe the earth being swallowed up with scorching heat in some places and a deluge of rain in others? Survey the land as if it isn’t happening in our back yard so, "Why worry?"

You need to worry people! You need to wake up and start changing things for the better. Take note of the ever-changing world. Dig deep and defend your life with honor and respect. Give back to kindness to abolish the hate. Wipe greed and lust off the face of the earth. Take stock in pure love and relinquish selfishness. Only, and I DO MEAN ONLY then, will YOU have a chance for survival in what is to befall the human race.

Is it so hard to love instead of hate? To embrace instead of wage war? To respect instead of resent?

Maybe for YOU it is, but not for me.

BE SAFE! BE PREPARED! HURRICANE SEASON IS ABOUT TO BE UNLEASHED!

Godspeed!