I Don't Want To Know

James 1:2 (NIV) “Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds.” 

I Don’t Want To Know

Something came up in conversation the other day with my husband. I was taking my supplements and pointed out that many were for inflammation. He responded with, “Did you ever think that’s not what it is?” Referring to my immense amount of daily pain. "Absolutely," I responded. I don't think of it often, but it certainly crosses my mind on occasion. Maybe it isn't inflammation, maybe it's worse. Yeah, I won't go the doubt route.

I feel negative comments surfacing on a regular basis now. I feel like others are doubting and it's not helping my journey any. I snapped back at my husband and told him that No, I don't wanna know if it is something else. I don't want to go to the doctors for them to hound me and tell me I should get chemo. I don't want to know if it has spread and I only have six months to live. I am persevering and doing everything I can to prevent death but then when you think about it, no one can prevent death, we're all going to die.

Memorial Day was no different with the poor poor pitiful Joni, looks. I didn't want to go to his mother's, but I did want to see the family. She wasn't having a cookout or anything, just a yearly gathering of his aunt and two uncles that we only get to see one or two times a year because two live out of state and one hours away. I didn't want to go because well, I'm in constant pain and it's a challenge to get out the door, down the steps, into the truck, back out of the truck, ascend more stairs and do it all over again when the visit is over.

I was also concerned with the questions that would be aimed at me. Luckily his brother was there with his wife and son so it kind of took the questions away from me. Instead, I was met with eyes of pity. They looked at me like the cripple I am and treated me like a fragile broken child who needs assistance with every step. I wonder how they think I manage to get through every single day? I don't have a live-in nurse that cares for me, I DO take care of myself. I AM a little slow but I'm not a precious vase about to fall on the floor that needs catching before it smashes to the ground.  

Then there was the lightning storm going on for two hours and more. The gusty winds arose right before we left as did a little thunder and lightning and I wanted to wait but no, hubby had to leave then and there. The dirt road was a sloppy mess as we swerved and swayed until it came to an end. Every swerve of the car sent a tingling pain up my back. The short trip to his mother's had the pain rising and rising with each clap of thunder and every sliver of lightning. We arrived in a downpour. I said I'd wait in the car, but I got so frustrated with myself, I hopped out and limped, cane in hand, to the front door. Hubby on arm trying to walk in his normal stride and me trying to keep up with my tiny limps, in the pouring rain and gusting winds. 

I try and understand that his family never sees me, and hasn't seen me using a cane and just expected bouncy-bouncy Joni, but instead, they were met with Tiny Tim. After his brother left, his aunt was right on me asking how I was doing and if I was still doing my protocol. I tried not to be snarky but it was quite hard as my back felt like a tightly wound rubber band about to snap and I really was not up to a visit that day. I just said yes, yes, I wake every day and thank God for another day. I was curt but not snarky. 

When I went to get up to use the bathroom his mother was about to leap into action, "You need help?" Umm... no, but thank you. As I walked past her my husband was sitting there and I asked for some water and his mom quickly jumped up and said I can get it, I can get it. I love having people care, I love that they want to know more about how I'm handling my illness. I love that they don't even talk chemo with me, but a tightly threaded quilt will eventually dry rot. Remember, I'm here year round. Not that anybody ever asks about my writing but is as important to me as my husband's now-defunct blog he had while he was blind. Writing is my life and I live to tell my story. 

On the ride home from his moms the storms were still churning; hard to see, muddy roads a bigger mess but we made it home and my tears fell unseen as quickly as the raindrops. It was a trying day for me that no one understands. As stubborn as I am, I am not one to be pitied and the looks, the stares, they tore me apart shred by shred. While I know and understand how lucky I am to be in this family and to have people that care, you don't realize how much it hurts to know I have a family back home that couldn't give a rip about me. I never cross their mind in a day, month or a year. It makes me feel defensive and isolated when a person after months of not seeing me shows signs of caring. I go on.

Tuesday, the entire day was rainfall! Glorious rainfall with rolling thunder and a flash of lightning here and there but rain it did! I think we had ten storms in one day and they didn't stop until eleven at night. The temps dropped to normal on Monday, meaning Springlike temps of the 60's and yesterday the temps that were predicted near ninety barely made it to seventy. Alleluia Amen.

Like summertime storms, life comes at us unexpectedly. Sometimes the trials are easy to endure, at other times they're difficult. Sometimes it's a delicate rainfall, at times a hard downpour. Sometimes high winds, a few times tornadoes pop up. Surely you need to be ready but if you knew ahead of time that you were going to die, what would you do differently? If a doctor told you that you have six months to live, how would you spend those last six months? Me, I don't want to know. I want to live until I die and that's that. Sure I'll prepare myself for the storms about to strike but I will not sit here and count days and think each one my last. As long as God is my guide, I never fear the valleys. Don't pity me as I persevere! I go with God!

James 1:12 (NIV) “Blessed is the one who perseveres under trial because, having stood the test, that person will receive the crown of life that the Lord has promised to those who love him.” 

Quotation Saturday ~ Memorial Day

Fort McHenry

Baltimore, Maryland

WAR

“We the people, in order to form a unified world must stop to fact check before posting lies to diversify. We the people are the victims of a ‘click-bait-share’ system. Anger, rage and misunderstanding are all the causes of internal wars. You, my friends, are the ones so eager to share the lies without seeking out facts thus causing and feeding into the war of the races. You are the ones who start the wars.”
~ Joni Zipp

“Patriotism is a kind of religion; it is the egg from which wars are hatched."
[My Uncle Sosthenes]” 
~ Guy de Maupassant

“In war, the first casualty is truth.” 
~ Terry Hayes

“Wars today seem to occur at a more precise point in time but deep down they are permanent.” 
~ Bernardo Carvalho

MISUNDERSTANDING

“We're all born with selfish desires, so we can all relate to those feelings in others. But kindness is something made individually by each person...so it's easy to misunderstand when others are trying to be kind to you.” 
~ Natsuki Takaya

“They have the unique ability to listen to one story and understand another.” 
~ Pandora Poikilos

“The common man prays, 'I want a cookie right now!' And God responds, 'If you'd listen to what I say, tomorrow it will bring you 100 cookies.” 
~ Criss Jami

SEGREGATION

“All good people agree,
And all good people say,
All nice people, like Us, are We
And every one else is They:
But if you cross over the sea,
Instead of over the way,
You may end by (think of it!) looking on We
As only a sort of They!” 
~ Rudyard Kipling

“To become a true global citizen, one must abandon all notions of 'otherness' and instead embrace 'togetherness'. The world is no longer white, black, yellow and brown. Through love, tribes have been intermixing colors to reveal a new rainbow world. And as more time passes, this racial and cultural blending will make it harder for humans to side with one race, nation or religion over another. Therefore, practical wisdom should be used to abandon any cultural, social, religious, tribal, and national beliefs of alterity altogether. This is the only way mankind will truly evolve. Segregation is a word of the past. Unity is the key to a peaceful future.” 
~ Suzy Kassem

“Ignoring the evils of our history will only cause them to reoccur.” 
~ R.M. Donaldson

“Having the liberty to have freedom of choice is the greatest thing that each and every one of us has because that makes us who we are. Do not however, use this as an excuse to discriminate, segregate and stereotype mass amounts of people on the basis of a small group of individuals who have either the power or the spotlight to do bad things” 
~ Calum Alexander Logan

MEMORIAL DAY

“The atrocities of war are only overshadowed by the heroism of their dead.” 
~ Todd Stocker

“As individuals die every moment, how insensitive and fabricated a love it is to set aside a day from selfish routine in prideful, patriotic commemoration of tragedy. Just as God is provoked by those who tithe simply because they feel that they must tithe, I am provoked by those who commemorate simply because they feel that they must commemorate.” 
~ Criss Jami

“We'd like to think that it is not our fault that great men and women died fighting for the security of our nation and safety of our communities. But we know this not to be true. They committed their lives for us in instances where either we were too afraid to do it ourselves or failed to find alternate solutions on our own. We enjoy the fruits of their ultimate sacrifice and owe their families a heartfelt thanks and apology every day.” 
~ D'Andre Lampkin

“You are silent now who once stood on battlefields ravaged by destruction unimaginable, holding in those desperate places the line of freedom for others you would never know, and who would never know you. And being one of those you never knew, I would give all I have to clasp your hand one single time, look into eyes that witnessed the bloodied carnage that results when freedom refuses to bow to chains of any kind, and simply say 'thank you.” 
~ Craig D. Lounsbrough


Have a safe and blessed Memorial Day weekend remembering this:

“-We need more love, to supersede hatred,
-We need more strength, 
to resist our weaknesses, 
-We need more inspiration, 
to lighten up our inner mind. 
-We need more learning, 
to erase our ignorance, 
-We need more wisdom, 
to live longer and happier, 
-We need more truths, to suppress deceptions, 
-We need more health, 
to enjoy our wealth, 
-We need more peace, to stay in harmony with our brethren 
-We need more smiles, 
to brighten up our day, 
-We need more hero's, and not zero's, 
-We need more change of ourselves, to change the lives of others, 
-We need more understanding, 
to tackle our misunderstanding, 
-We need more sympathy, 
not apathy, 
-We need more forgiveness, 
not vengeance, 
-We need more humility to be lifted up, 
-We need more patience and not undue eagerness, 
-We need more focus, to avoid distraction, 
-We need more optimism, 
not pessimism 
-We need more justice, 
not injustice, 
-We need more facts, not fiction,
-We need more education, 
to curb illiteracy, 
-We need more skills, not incompetence, 
-We need more challenges, 
to make attempts, 
-We need more talents, 
to create the extraordinary, 
-We need more helping hands, 
not stingy folks, 
-We need more efforts, 
not laziness, 
-We need more jokes, to forget our worries, 
-We need more spirituality, 
not mean religion, 
-We need more freedom, 
not enslavement, 
-We need more peacemakers, 
not revolutionaries...with these, we create a heaven on earth.” 
~ Michael Bassey Johnson

Poetry Sunday ~ All Good Men

“All Good Men”

©Adam Zipp

The gunpowder and smoke,

the sounds of a roaring hell,

that is where the glory is shed,

along with the blood stained rivers,

the sick lay wounded in their beds.

Turn away from the pain,

let the night sky fall down like rain,

it is said that good men die young,

but good men stand up to be strong.

Good men fight,

They play the songs of the war bands,

they guide us all with an unseen light,

and always take our hands.

Liberty lives within strong men,

even when evil lashes out like a roaring fire,

the darkness will seep out from the Lion’s Den,

If good men do not aspire.

They never fought alone,

One good man can win a battle,

but when grouped with many men,

together a war can be won.

The men who fought,

they are strong and wise,

they have been through the pits of hell,

always risking their lives.

In the cold months ahead,

in the long warmth of the dead,

may we give thanks to those living and gone,

for everything they have done,

let us thank a vet.

Quotation Saturday ~ Memorial Day

The flag at Fort McHenry, Baltimore Maryland, war of 1812

Luke 4: 18 The Spirit of the Lord is upon me, because he hath anointed me to preach the gospel to the poor; he hath sent me to heal the brokenhearted, to preach deliverance to the captives, and recovering of sight to the blind, to set at liberty them that are bruised,

In honor of Memorial Day, once known as Decoration Day when the graves of those who fought in the Civil War was decorated in remembrance of their service to our country.

Last night we watched the movie Patriot and you really get the feel of the bloodshed of the early 1776 war, as I imagine all wars. So in honor, memory, and respect for ALL who have died fighting, I give you my Quotation Saturday.

Honor, Courage, Patriotism, Hero

“They hover as a cloud of witnesses above this nation.”

~ Henry Ward Beecher

“A hero is someone who has given his/her life to something bigger than oneself.”

~ Joseph Campbell

“Courage. Kindness. Friendship. Character. These are the qualities that define us as human beings, and propel us, on occasion, to greatness.”
~ R.J. Palacio

“For love of country they accepted death, and thus resolved all doubts, and made immortal their patriotism and their virtue.”

~ James A. Garfield

“We come not to mourn our dead soldiers, but to praise them.”

~Francis A. Walker

“And they for who their country die shall fill an honored grave, for glory lights the soldiers tomb, and beauty weeps the brave.”

~ Joseph Rodman Drake

“The tree of liberty must be refreshed from time to time with the blood of patriots and tyrants. It is its natural manure.”
~ Thomas Jefferson

“Courage is contagious. When a brave man takes a stand, the spines of others are stiffened.”

~ Billy Graham

“It doesn’t take a hero to order men into battle. It takes a hero to be one of those men who goes into battle.”

~ Norman Schwarzkopf

“They are dead; but they live in each patriots breast, and their names are engraven on honor’s bright crest.”

~Henry Wadsworth Longfellow

“Let every nation know, whether it wishes us well or ill, that we shall pay any price, bear any burden, meet any hardship, support any friend, oppose any foe to assure the survival and success of liberty.”

~ John F. Kennedy

“And I’m proud to be an American, where at least I know I’m free. And I won’t forget the men who died, who gave that right to me.”

~ Lee Greenwood

Memorial Day...

Rom. 14: 19 Let us therefore follow after the things which make for peace, and things wherewith one may edify another.
***

I remember when I was a kid, Memorial Day meant a day off of school, and a day where we had cookouts. You could smell the grills churning from blocks away. It was as if everyone in the city had a cookout on this day.

We didn’t really celebrate it as a Memorial Day to soldiers who served our country, and little did I know about the day or the sacrifices made. You could call me ignorant to the facts, but no one ever really just said it plain and simple for me, so I could appreciate and honor the day and respect those who served.

My Dad always hung the flag, “Because it’s Memorial Day.” He was a Marine himself in his day, and I had many family members who served, fought in wars, and possibly died later from PTSD.

As I sat in church yesterday, and they showed a clip of a Dad taking his son to Washington DC for memorial day, I was hit with a ton of memories, a floodgate opened up and I appreciated the soldier in a whole new light.

The man went to the Capital, he took his son to the birthplace of our founding fathers, the White House, Lincoln Memorial and then they ended the day at Arlington Cemetery. The boy asked what all the crosses were for, and the dad said, “Heroes.” As the son turned around a soldier stood Saluting a grave, “Dad? Is he a hero too?” The father quietly whispered, “Yes son, he’s a hero too.”

These were all places that as a child, were part of our annual school field trips, since we only lived about 30 minutes away. We never went to any of these places as a family, because my family was too busy fighting the years of dysfunction to be bothered with ‘family’.

Which brings me to the other part of our service yesterday. It was about the importance a grandparent holds for generations to come. How they essentially determine what the future generations will bring forth in life. Pastor Mike went on to give examples of former Presidents, whose descendent's produced many political senator’s, presidents, and other upstanding citizens. While at the same time, he took a murderer, and looked at say, 500 of his descendants. Over half followed suit and were either incarcerated or followed the path of the illegal.

That scared me. I had four grandparents, two who died when I was eight, within two months of one another. While extremely of poor lineage and alcoholics, they had a heart of gold. My other two grandparents were boozers I call them. They come from and were taught to be selfish, greedy and to drink your problems away.

Maybe that is why I was an alcoholic before the age of twelve. I never had good examples to look up to. So I began carving a new me, I looked up to new things. I accepted God and built a life around him and as he embraced me, essentially becoming my grandparent, we strode together to form something to pass down to MY next generation.

As you have your cookout today, as you sit with family. Look around you, and see just what it is that you as a human being are going to pass down to YOUR future generations.

And Thank you Soldiers of past and present... I thank you and appreciate all you have done for me and the generations that will look up to and follow you.

God Bless America!

God Bless America

Annapolis Maryland Statehouse

where our founding fathers worked

Memorial Day - May 31, 2010

When I was a kid, I always thought that Memorial Day was where you woofed down hamburgers and hot dogs, spent the day at a family cookout and enjoyed a three-day weekend.

As I grew, I realized it was a day to remember those who fought in wars, like a memorial for those who loved our country enough to die for it, or at least serve and struggle with the aftermaths of being here surviving and moving on in this society.

I have family that served. One uncle served in Vietnam and had a bad experience; wound up killing himself about thirteen years ago, and the other who is an uncle by fiance relations, he is a protector of animals, working diligently at an Animal Sanctuary. My dad was a Marine, and my brother was in the Air Force. I’m sure if I dug into it further, I’d find uncles and grandparents that all thought that this country was worth serving.

War causes grief on many levels. Families have to let their loved ones go over seas to fight for this country, mothers have to lay their children to rest; wives have to bury their husbands, and then there is this day, a Memorial Day.

When you pass by graveyards, a glance will show that the American flag is waving over the sites of many veterans who have lived, served and died. It is a breathtaking to see all those flags flapping in the wind, a heartbreaking sight to visually put a number on the hundreds of thousands who have literally, died for this country.

Last week, as I threw myself a pity party, I was God-slapped once again into a rude awakening. I was reminded of all that I have as an American citizen. I am free, where some countries are at war, in despair, in dire straits and as I sip my coffee thinking of all I have this day, like a wonderful fiancé, an awesome son, a nifty step-daughter, surrounded by a GREAT All American family, I am thankful that God loves me enough to take me by the shoulders, shake me a bit and then turn me around to look at all that I DO have to be grateful and thankful for.

Today I realize that this is a wonderful country. A country that gives every single human being an opportunity to become an American citizen; every American citizen a chance to be a part of a great nation. Every man and woman an opportunity to serve this country. Sure we have our messes to figure out but each and every one of us need to realize, that our God is a glorious God and this is our life. Love it, embrace it!

On this day... I arise to the beauty surrounding me in the lush fields of the central part of America, Nebraska. This is home, this is my life, this is a wonderful country. I thank all the men and women who see to it that my country is a safe place to live. I pray for all the men and women who have died defending what is now mine. I treasure the opportunity to raise my son in a land where he is free; free to live, express, pray and serve.

May we all have a God-slapped moment and realize just what we have, wherever we are.

God Bless........

Memorial Day

I would say God Bless America...but I think He already has. ~joni zipp

I sometimes think that the saving grace of America lies in the fact that the overwhelming majority of Americans are possessed of two great qualities- a sense of humor and a sense of proportion.
~Franklin D.Roosevelt (1882 - 1945)

The character inherent in the American people has done all that has been accomplished; and it would have done somewhat more, if the government had not sometimes got in its way.
~Henry David Thoreau (1817 - 1862)

Ninety-eight percent of the adults in this country are decent, hard-working, honest Americans. It's the other lousy two percent that get all the publicity. But then--we elected them.
~Lily Tomlin  (1939 - )

An Englishman is a person who does things because they have been done before. An American is a person who does things because they haven't been done before.
~Mark Twain (1835 - 1910)

America's greatest strength, and its greatest weakness, is our belief in second chances, our belief that we can always start over, that things can be made better.
~Anthony Walton

America is the greatest, freest and most decent society in existence. It is an oasis of goodness in a desert of cynicism and barbarism. This country, once an experiment unique in the world, is now the last best hope for the world.
~Dinesh Souza

There is nothing wrong with America that the faith, love of freedom, intelligence and energy of her citizens cannot cure.
~Dwight D. Eisenhower (1890 - 1969)

I always consider the settlement of America with reverence and wonder, as the opening of a grand scene and design in providence, for the illumination of the ignorant and the emancipation of the slavish part of mankind all over the earth.
~John Adams (1735 - 1826)

I see America, not in the setting sun of a black night of despair ahead of us, I see America in the crimson light of a rising sun fresh from the burning, creative hand of God. I see great days ahead, great days possible to men and women of will and vision.
~Carl Sandburg(1878 - 1967)

May you all have a safe Memorial Day Weekend. Thank you Veterans for serving and protecting my country, because of you...I can have a safe holiday. God Bless you all!