Still Small Voice

1 Kgs. 19:12 “And after the earthquake a fire; but the LORD was not in the fire: and after the fire a still small voice.”

Still small voice

Listen, can you hear Him, His still small voice is speaking to you, can you feel him? Maybe you hear an inner voice, maybe He’s revealed in dreams or visions. One way or another God is reaching out to you, can you give Him a moment of your time?

I need to heed my own advice. Yesterday was a pretty bad day, like a pimple everything in me burst; not physically, emotionally. When Lent begins and you alter your routine that you were so set on, you’d be surprised how quickly the Lord responds. 

I’ve said that I’m on a strict protocol but sometimes I don’t feel it is strict enough, I’m not fighting off the common cold mind you. I’ve given up so much that the task of continuing can be quite daunting and overwhelming. This week has been one of those weeks of build-up that came to a head and popped.

For starters, the weather. While everyone is out there laughing at me when I say how cold it is, they are not the ones hindered or put out by the unending cold. They're also not fighting a deathly disease. Let me remind you that last winter we had nary a speck of snow, we had one cold spell that was completely over in two weeks and on this day last year we were hitting record warmth and trees were already showing signs of budding.

Granted I know it is ‘winter’ from December 21-March 21 but for a couple of years, the winters have been mild and bearable. This one is strangely different. I say strangely because with a very dry summer we normally would have a dry winter, but this year when droughts were rampant across the country, after the wildfires in the west, something happened up there in the jet stream that changed weather across the states. 

Since December 21st, we’ve had snow or ice on the ground not allowing me my daily walks. The temperatures have been below normal meaning I’ve seen more minus zero wind chills than days above zero, or even above the freezing temp of 32. With the cold comes clouds, more clouds than sun. With ice, clouds and cold it has swept me into hibernation and that is not an allowed protocol of a vicious disease that lets me know who’s boss on any given day.

With the viciousness of the attack of this illness, I get very down, another part of the protocol that is not allowed. I know from the outside world you can’t see it, so of course, you’re going to laugh and not think of how your simple words might cut me like a knife. I do understand that life is going on for everyone else while mine has come to a complete standstill and turned around for me 360 degrees.

Yesterday I cried, a deep cry where my eyes puffed up, my nose clogged beyond decompression, my head ached and my whole body shivered and shook wanting to curl into a ball and be left alone. I told my husband I didn’t know what was happening or why I was crying like this. I just feel like I’m getting worse, not better, I’m not strong but am becoming weakened. I feel like Jesus went to pray and came back and here I am sleeping. He wanted me awake and I couldn’t do that one simple thing for Him, stay awake!

My husband told me that I used to cry like this a lot in the beginning and that I’ve been doing great. I sure don’t feel like I’ve been doing great but he assured me I was. Even with his assurance and compassion, I felt like sleeping, never to wake up again. I prayed.

Yesterday, tucked in among the frigid gloomy days was a sixty-degree day. The winds were horrendous, kind of ruining the beauty but after my cry, my dog needed to do some business and my hubby was in the shed working on a project. I rose and went to the back door, letting the dog outside, I looked around; the winds subsided. For a brief moment, I felt the sun, I drank in the warmth of my swollen face and felt a peace wash over me. God was letting me know, in His still small voice that I was going to be okay. 

Yesterday I craved everything that I haven’t had for a year. Yes, I know I can crash but I craved like never before. While shopping, I wanted donuts, I wanted pizza, I wanted everything but knew I could have nothing. I grieved beyond consolation, when I got home I crashed into a fit of tears that hurt every part of my being and there was this day, possibly the Son shining just for me, letting me know that I need to see how far I’ve come.

Luke 4:2 “Being forty days tempted of the devil. And in those days he did eat nothing: and when they were ended, he afterward hungered.”

I was reminded that when Jesus fasted, for forty days He was tempted by the devil, He didn’t cave but instead said, “Satan, get thee behind me.” I’m letting you know quite bluntly, I’m not Jesus and sometimes am not that strong.  

Luke 4:8 “And Jesus answered and said unto him, Get thee behind me, Satan: for it is written, Thou shalt worship the Lord thy God, and him only shalt thou serve.”

I caved and ate a small frozen pizza. Not just any frozen pizza, I added black olives, onion, jalapeno peppers, ham, and some turkey bacon; the pizza was a feast I haven’t seen for a year! I had two slices of bread with butter, a pickle and some green olives on the side. I ate the entire meal! I was full and it felt good to be full. Granted I’ve been eating well for a year, and yes I’ve had a day or two out of the year where I went off protocol but this winter is the real test. It is making me feel total insecurity, anxiousness, doubt, and fear all coming to a head and exploding.

I need to let you all know that the struggle is real. Appreciate every whimsical chance you get to be with the ones you love. Eat like tomorrow you might not have another piece of food enter your mouth and pray, pray your illness can be fought and won and don’t ever give up. Listen for that still small voice in your head, but most of all, HEAR what it is saying.

This week we’re back to the brisk cold, the clouds swallowing the sun whole, and me kicking myself in the butt for breaking! I need to get back into my exercise routine that winter curtailed even if it is on a bike that sits inside four walls. I need to be lifted up instead of feeling down, even if that means I need to stay away from everyone and their great food filled lives, I need to listen to that still small voice telling me to wake up, I’m not alone! I need to feel Jesus, tapping me on the shoulder telling me He is right here beside me, that He made it, He put satan in his place and we can go on from today with our heads held high. We embrace… I’m not alone. 

God is good, all of the time. All of the time, God is good!

Jas. 1:2-5 “My brethren, count it all joy when ye fall into divers temptations;

Knowing this, that the trying of your faith worketh patience.

But let patience have her perfect work, that ye may be perfect and entire, wanting nothing.

If any of you lack wisdom, let him ask of God, that giveth to all men liberally, and upbraideth not; and it shall be given him.”

All praise and Glory to God!

Year's End Part II

Amos 8:11 “Behold, the days come, saith the Lord GOD, that I will send a famine in the land, not a famine of bread, nor a thirst for water, but of hearing the words of the LORD:”

End of the Year part II

Since I had such a nice Christmas and this year is worth a couple of End of Year posts I thought I’d relay the joyous season that rolled out like a red carpet for me and welcomed me on Christmas day.

The build-up to the day was nice, not too extravagant never an overabundance of spending, just another ‘spend what you have’ kind of Christmas. We’ve never been the type to go into debt to celebrate Christmas day; we’re the kind of people that if we don’t have the money to buy it, we don’t need it, and that has always worked. We never wake up after Christmas and say, ‘What did we do? How will we ever repay all this debt?’ I imagine a lot of folks do that but we’re not that type. Never have been and I don’t imagine we ever will be.

Luckily I have a dear friend and a loving niece who donated to me and it purchased my end of year vitamins and what a blessing that was, to know I’d have a couple more months of vitamins to welcome me into the New Year. Thank you, you know who you are and to me, a hidden blessing is a major blessing in MY life! 

The Christmastime weather was right out of a storybook. On Christmas Eve eve the temps dipped down to single digits and flurries began falling from the sky, they didn’t seem to stop! Both my guys had to work and the light fluffy snow didn’t hinder their drives on that night so I was content to head into Christmas Eve where they both had the days off. That was a gift in and of itself, and a white Christmas was unfolding with three to five inches of snow already on the ground at bedtime.

When I arose Christmas Eve the three to five inches of predicted snow was layed out right before my eyes! Light, fluffy, sweepable snow! The temps were still in the single digits but for some reason the blanket of snow made it feel cozy as the hour of sweeping passed by quite quickly. With my clothes layered, earmuffs intact, mittens to somewhat keep my fingers warm, the ‘play’ in the snow was seasonal. It’s here you must embrace it kind of snowfall.

I was kind of antsy thinking about the impending ‘family get-together’ but as usual, the tension subsided the closer the day came. While my illness is not open for discussion except on a more personal level (one-on-one) I knew at the family gathering it would just be chatter and laughter.

Our aunt who was scheduled to come down from South Dakota had to cancel her trip because not only did we get covered in snow, S. Dakota was hit too and she was staying safe. I believe she is eighty years old and yes, she still drives down here to Nebraska to visit her family on holidays, but the snow would halt her visit, this time. She was really missed too because she’s the cherubic beauty that bakes little loaves of banana, cherry, and spice bread for the family. She was missed for her spreading of love and cheer too but I was looking forward to her bread! 

Christmas morning arrived and everyone was safe who had to be. We were nestled in our warm home in the morning, gathered around the tree exchanging gifts. With the tree lit, our hands shuffled with a ‘here, open this!’ kind of excitement. I always cherish this time with my husband and son, because in that moment, the world evaporates and it is just us and love and that to me is what the holiday is all about. 

I won’t go on and on about the gifts I received because I’m not a braggart but I will say that I did receive my Grace Vanderwaal CD and wrist weights for my power walks, and Adam gave me a wonderful set of artistic colored pencils and an adult coloring book of horses! Oh the joy and excitement of Christmas morning.

I had wished my virtual family a Merry Christmas on Christmas Eve as I knew that Facebook would not be entered on Christmas Day. I do have priorities set and FB and Christmas aren’t one of them. After the gift exchange and listening to the CD, I called my mother back home and wished her the merriest of days. She did pretty well leading up to the day, remembering my dad but not with mournful cries but with lovingly missing him and trying to be the strong woman I know her to be. That was the only family from back home I heard from on Christmas.

It was a cold, blustery day and as we sat with the family in front of a big picturesque window; the flurries began to float to the earth once again. I had forgotten to look at the weather forecast but everyone was saying that they were calling for flurries. An hour or two passed and the flurries were still falling but more speedily and my anxiety grew. I don’t like driving in snow. Icy roads and swerving cars are not my cup of tea if they can be anyones.

By four o’clock I was pleading to go home. My chest hurts when anxiety is tense and I could feel the pain for quite awhile but told no one as not to ruin what a great Christmas everyone was having. Without being too graphic, my chest hurts where my illness resides. 

The drive home to me, was treacherous, even though I wasn’t doing the driving. The falling snow was intense with less than a mile visibility, and whiteout conditions were present on this two-lane highway. It was frigid-single-digit cold and the snow so fluffy that there wasn’t really much ‘sliding around’ but hubby was being cautious. Cars were speeding around us well above the sixty-five miles per hour speed limit because you know that there is NOTHING more important than getting to a destination, not even LIFE! It’s all about me, me, me on the roads, snow, ice or rain, it doesn’t matter!

We made it home safely and it took hours before my chest stopped hurting. We settled into a precious movie, ‘It’s a Wonderful Life’ (how fitting) and we sat and enjoyed the rest of the evening. I think I was so relaxed I slept through the first thirty minutes of the movie. My second call to my mother made the tension rise again but I was not allowing it to ruin a perfect Christmas Day! As the year ends…my days are being spent relishing my year, and cleaning up what is going to be known as the Christmas of 2017!

Family...your worst enemy?

Eph 3: 14 For this cause I bow my knees unto the Father of our Lord Jesus Christ,

[15] Of whom the whole family in heaven and earth is named,

***

Family....your worst enemy

I know that statement is harsh but in my experience, it is the truth. Sure your family is great, all smiles when you’re close to them, a 'normal' family with open arms, opinions, prodding and assistance. But move hundreds of miles away and see just how much your family really cares.

I think from my writing you can glean I was a messed up kid. I have four brothers and a sister and our intricate weaving of closeness ran about as layered as an Igloo’s ice block.  We were close while we could do something for one another. We were there for one another when we had to be, but there was something missing in my childhood that eludes me to this day; genuine heartfelt LOVE!

As you read in my two previous posts, there were decisions trying to be made for me, there was a lot of discouragement and there was hope dashed whenever it could be dashed, by circumstances and family that is.

I got an email the other day from a long lost family member. We had been close at one time in our lives, but ever since I left home and gave up on that whole ‘family’ business and started looking out for me, I talk to no one but my mother (daily), and my sister and niece on occasion.

Not that I haven’t tried to reach out. I called, but the calls got far and few in between until they ended completely. My family is the type, they don’t call you, unless you call them. How’s that for love? One year, my ex had given my brother three hundred dollars to mail to my son. It never made it here. Bro said he felt bad and would send it from his own pocket but, that too never made it here.

So why should I have gotten excited by an email that said, “How are you?” Because people, I hold out hope that someone from that clan really does love me. I was wrong. I wrote back in excitement, shared my joys, sorrows and triumphs and my son attending school. And the response? An ice block. “My family is great, my life is great, everything is great,” reported the email. Not one ounce of, “Sorry to hear you’re going through all of that,” nothing. A compassion-less heart, frigid.

What does any of this have to do with writing? Let me tell you. I was encouraged by the Grace of God. I went on with the Lord’s blessing. I continued through all hardships and struggles to stand firm in my belief. The writing community is my family now. They love, appreciate and encourage me, every step of the way. Just like a family should!

I now know what genuine heartfelt love is! Even if the people reside all over the world, I know to them, I am somebody. To them, I am family.

The writing community is a FAMILY. We don’t just ‘write’, we LOVE!