Year's End Part II

Amos 8:11 “Behold, the days come, saith the Lord GOD, that I will send a famine in the land, not a famine of bread, nor a thirst for water, but of hearing the words of the LORD:”

End of the Year part II

Since I had such a nice Christmas and this year is worth a couple of End of Year posts I thought I’d relay the joyous season that rolled out like a red carpet for me and welcomed me on Christmas day.

The build-up to the day was nice, not too extravagant never an overabundance of spending, just another ‘spend what you have’ kind of Christmas. We’ve never been the type to go into debt to celebrate Christmas day; we’re the kind of people that if we don’t have the money to buy it, we don’t need it, and that has always worked. We never wake up after Christmas and say, ‘What did we do? How will we ever repay all this debt?’ I imagine a lot of folks do that but we’re not that type. Never have been and I don’t imagine we ever will be.

Luckily I have a dear friend and a loving niece who donated to me and it purchased my end of year vitamins and what a blessing that was, to know I’d have a couple more months of vitamins to welcome me into the New Year. Thank you, you know who you are and to me, a hidden blessing is a major blessing in MY life! 

The Christmastime weather was right out of a storybook. On Christmas Eve eve the temps dipped down to single digits and flurries began falling from the sky, they didn’t seem to stop! Both my guys had to work and the light fluffy snow didn’t hinder their drives on that night so I was content to head into Christmas Eve where they both had the days off. That was a gift in and of itself, and a white Christmas was unfolding with three to five inches of snow already on the ground at bedtime.

When I arose Christmas Eve the three to five inches of predicted snow was layed out right before my eyes! Light, fluffy, sweepable snow! The temps were still in the single digits but for some reason the blanket of snow made it feel cozy as the hour of sweeping passed by quite quickly. With my clothes layered, earmuffs intact, mittens to somewhat keep my fingers warm, the ‘play’ in the snow was seasonal. It’s here you must embrace it kind of snowfall.

I was kind of antsy thinking about the impending ‘family get-together’ but as usual, the tension subsided the closer the day came. While my illness is not open for discussion except on a more personal level (one-on-one) I knew at the family gathering it would just be chatter and laughter.

Our aunt who was scheduled to come down from South Dakota had to cancel her trip because not only did we get covered in snow, S. Dakota was hit too and she was staying safe. I believe she is eighty years old and yes, she still drives down here to Nebraska to visit her family on holidays, but the snow would halt her visit, this time. She was really missed too because she’s the cherubic beauty that bakes little loaves of banana, cherry, and spice bread for the family. She was missed for her spreading of love and cheer too but I was looking forward to her bread! 

Christmas morning arrived and everyone was safe who had to be. We were nestled in our warm home in the morning, gathered around the tree exchanging gifts. With the tree lit, our hands shuffled with a ‘here, open this!’ kind of excitement. I always cherish this time with my husband and son, because in that moment, the world evaporates and it is just us and love and that to me is what the holiday is all about. 

I won’t go on and on about the gifts I received because I’m not a braggart but I will say that I did receive my Grace Vanderwaal CD and wrist weights for my power walks, and Adam gave me a wonderful set of artistic colored pencils and an adult coloring book of horses! Oh the joy and excitement of Christmas morning.

I had wished my virtual family a Merry Christmas on Christmas Eve as I knew that Facebook would not be entered on Christmas Day. I do have priorities set and FB and Christmas aren’t one of them. After the gift exchange and listening to the CD, I called my mother back home and wished her the merriest of days. She did pretty well leading up to the day, remembering my dad but not with mournful cries but with lovingly missing him and trying to be the strong woman I know her to be. That was the only family from back home I heard from on Christmas.

It was a cold, blustery day and as we sat with the family in front of a big picturesque window; the flurries began to float to the earth once again. I had forgotten to look at the weather forecast but everyone was saying that they were calling for flurries. An hour or two passed and the flurries were still falling but more speedily and my anxiety grew. I don’t like driving in snow. Icy roads and swerving cars are not my cup of tea if they can be anyones.

By four o’clock I was pleading to go home. My chest hurts when anxiety is tense and I could feel the pain for quite awhile but told no one as not to ruin what a great Christmas everyone was having. Without being too graphic, my chest hurts where my illness resides. 

The drive home to me, was treacherous, even though I wasn’t doing the driving. The falling snow was intense with less than a mile visibility, and whiteout conditions were present on this two-lane highway. It was frigid-single-digit cold and the snow so fluffy that there wasn’t really much ‘sliding around’ but hubby was being cautious. Cars were speeding around us well above the sixty-five miles per hour speed limit because you know that there is NOTHING more important than getting to a destination, not even LIFE! It’s all about me, me, me on the roads, snow, ice or rain, it doesn’t matter!

We made it home safely and it took hours before my chest stopped hurting. We settled into a precious movie, ‘It’s a Wonderful Life’ (how fitting) and we sat and enjoyed the rest of the evening. I think I was so relaxed I slept through the first thirty minutes of the movie. My second call to my mother made the tension rise again but I was not allowing it to ruin a perfect Christmas Day! As the year ends…my days are being spent relishing my year, and cleaning up what is going to be known as the Christmas of 2017!

Quotation Saturday ~ Holidays

Pss. 36:5 “Thy mercy, O LORD, is in the heavens; and thy faithfulness reacheth unto the clouds.”

HOLIDAYS

“In the old days, it was not called the Holiday Season; the Christians called it 'Christmas' and went to church; the Jews called it 'Hanukkah' and went to synagogue; the atheists went to parties and drank. People passing each other on the street would say 'Merry Christmas!' or 'Happy Hanukkah!' or (to the atheists) 'Look out for the wall!” 
― Dave Barry

“Humanity has always conquered the flux of natural time by means of a rhythm between active and passive time-spans. To reconquer his holidays, to establish a new and better time schedule for life, has been the great endeavour of man ever since the days of Noah.” 
― Eugen Rosenstock-Huessy,

“This, after all, was the month in which families began tightening and closing and sealing; from Thanksgiving to the New Year, everybody's world contracted, day by day, into the microcosmic single festive household, each with its own rituals and obsessions, rules and dreams. You didn't feel you could call people. They didn't feel they could phone you. How does one cry for help from these seasonal prisons?” 
― Zadie Smith

“It's not about presents but it is about your presence. Therein lies the spirit of the holiday season.” 
― Julieanne O'Connor

CHRISTMAS

“There are many things from which I might have derived good, by which I have not profited, I dare say,' returned the nephew. 'Christmas among the rest. But I am sure I have always thought of Christmas time, when it has come round—apart from the veneration due to its sacred name and origin, if anything belonging to it can be apart from that—as a good time; a kind, forgiving, charitable, pleasant time; the only time I know of, in the long calendar of the year, when men and women seem by one consent to open their shut-up hearts freely and to think of people below them as if they really were fellow-passengers to the grave, and not another race of creatures bound on other journeys. And therefore, uncle, though it has never put a scrap of gold or silver in my pocket, I believe that it has done me good, and will do me good; and I say, God bless it!” 
― Charles Dickens, A Christmas Carol

“The Christmas tree, twinkling with lights, had a mountain of gifts piled up beneath it, like offerings to the great god of excess.” 
― Tess Gerritsen

“Christmas it seems to me is a necessary festival; we require a season when we can regret all the flaws in our human relationships: it is the feast of failure, sad but consoling.” 
― Graham Greene

“When purchasing gifts becomes the focal point of the season, we lose focus on what's truly important.” 
― Joshua Fields Millburn

FAITH

“Is my faith so terribly pathetic that I have diminished God to the point that I doubt His ability to survive in the very world that He came to save? Indeed, I have done exactly that. And all I need to do to beat that mentality is to remember that a baby born in a manger with every disadvantage imaginable stills lives today.” 
― Craig D. Lounsbrough

Dreams come from that special place in our mind where our soul loves to spend its holidays.” 
― Anthony T.Hincks

“The Simple Path
Silence is Prayer
Prayer is Faith
Faith is Love
Love is Service
The Fruit of Service is Peace” 
― Mother Teresa

“There are times when solitude is better than society, and silence is wiser than speech. We should be better Christians if we were more alone, waiting upon God, and gathering through meditation on His Word spiritual strength for labour in his service. We ought to muse upon the things of God because we thus get the real nutriment out of them. . . . Why is it that some Christians, although they hear many sermons, make but slow advances in the divine life? Because they neglect their closets and do not thoughtfully meditate on God's Word. They love the wheat, but they do not grind it; they would have the corn, but they will not go forth into the fields to gather it; the fruit hangs upon the tree, but they will not pluck it; the water flows at their feet, but they will not stoop to drink it. From such folly deliver us, O Lord.” 
― Charles Haddon Spurgeon

GREED

“Earth provides enough to satisfy every man's needs, but not every man's greed.” 
― Mahatma Gandhi

“He who is not contented with what he has, would not be contented with what he would like to have.” 
― Socrates

“The world says: "You have needs -- satisfy them. You have as much right as the rich and the mighty. Don't hesitate to satisfy your needs; indeed, expand your needs and demand more." This is the worldly doctrine of today. And they believe that this is freedom. The result for the rich is isolation and suicide, for the poor, envy and murder.” 
― Fyodor Dostoyevsky

“Growth for the sake of growth is the ideology of the cancer cell.” 
― Edward Abbey

DEPRESSION

“Whenever you read a cancer booklet or website or whatever, they always list depression among the side effects of cancer. But, in fact, depression is not a side effect of cancer. Depression is a side effect of dying.” 
― John Green

“Every man has his secret sorrows which the world knows not; and often times we call a man cold when he is only sad.” 
― Henry Wadsworth Longfellow

“There are wounds that never show on the body that are deeper and more hurtful than anything that bleeds.” 
― Laurell K. Hamilton

“Sometimes I just think depression's one way of coping with the world. Like, some people get drunk, some people do drugs, some people get depressed. Because there's so much stuff out there that you have to do something to deal with it.” 
― Ned Vizzini

Food, Food, Food

Pss. 104:14 “He causeth the grass to grow for the cattle, and herb for the service of man: that he may bring forth food out of the earth;”

Food, Food, Food

I think I need to clarify something for my readers, FOOD! Food is not a problem for me anymore, I’m enjoying this forced protocol more than I ever have in these past nine months, my problem is, and I’m WORKING ON IT, is being around festive happy carnivores eating the meal offered as if they hadn’t eaten in weeks, shoveling food into their mouths, getting a second huge helping, then adding a sweet scrumptious dessert to their faces. Then listening to them complain about their weight and how they need to shed some pounds.

Scents conjure images and memories for me. Have you ever walked into a church with polished wood and marble floors and an image or memory floods the mind? Ever walk into a library and the aroma of thousands of books smack you in the face bringing back memories of the good old days when libraries were the actual source of information? Ever walk into a bakery and your mouth begins to water, then scanning the shelves your stomach begins churning, craving the delectable sweet? THIS is the problem I have, memories! I don’t get to decide when they’re turned on and turning them off isn’t a trait I’ve acquired yet.

No, I do not miss the food I used to eat. I’m really doing well on passing up gobs of macaroni and cheese, bread and mayonnaise and the occasional meat that went through the doors to my stomach. I wish I had changed my diet sooner but I didn’t really care because never having a weight problem, the food tasted good.

I was never a big meat eater; I usually ate meat when in a family gathering, meat and potatoes were all that was offered and I never went for dessert. While desserts smelled good and looked tasty, I was never a big partaker of sweets either. So no, I don’t miss meats and sweets.

I think, not sure, what I miss is camaraderie. Food brings people together. Think about it, you go food shopping once a week, you’re all gathered in the store doing the same thing buying food for your family. In that one moment, you are mingling with people with like agendas, satisfying your family. What has happened in my family is separateness. Adam shops and buys his food, hubby buys his meats, eggs, and potatoes and me I hit the veggie section.

Then there are the separate dinners; Adam makes his food, hubby makes his or I put it on for him and my meal is totally different. And we no longer sit at the table together. Adam likes watching his phone, hubby and I watch reruns of old TV shows on his computer and it feels like in this year, we’re all going in different directions where once we had unity, togetherness. Adam has also chosen to work on Thanksgiving. I’m okay with that because I don’t have any plans anyway.

Memories - my memories of childhood were of us, never eating together as a family, we all did our own thing. Don’t get me wrong, my mother made some delicious meals and when I was old enough, I’d start the meals in a slow cooker and basically it was a first come, first serve basis, grab a TV table and go plop in front of the television. Unless it was Thanksgiving, that was the day we all ate together as a family, even my father joined us at the table.

Maybe during this season, I’m melancholy, not depressed, and yes I do know the difference. I only get depressed because of the deaths that have invaded my holidays. That could just be melancholy too. The holidays elicit feelings, aromas give rise to memories, sights and sounds awaken the melancholy beings that we are. Gatherings make me think of family and togetherness.

Yes, I could cheat and eat my heart out for just one day, but wouldn’t that defeat all that I’ve accomplished in nine months? My stomach is different now; it reacts to foods going down the tube differently. Meat turns my stomach, sugars churn the cells inside and they react to what I place in my mouth. Cheating is only cheating myself, no one else. I don’t eat to please others, I eat to survive, just like everyone else, except my choices of food, are quite different in my survival mindset.

I’ll go on with the holiday as my happy-go-lucky self. When people ask how I’m doing I’ll tell them fine, if they ask questions I’ll smile and tell them I’m not really up to a Q & A session. I just want to visit and enjoy their company and being the Walton clan I see them as, they’ll understand, go on with the day and enjoy their non-heart healthy meal. It is THEIR life, not mine. I live to seek eternity while others live to basically die. I’m finding that there is more to life than eating, living and dying.

1 Tim. 6:8 “And having food and raiment let us be therewith content.”

“God Bless Everyone”

Fear of Rejection

Pss, 40:3 "And he hath put a new song in my mouth, even praise unto our God: many shall see it, and fear, and shall trust in the LORD."

Fear of Rejection

Since I was a child, I’ve always had the fear of rejection. It started when I was young being rejected by the first crush I had and every school aged crush thereafter until I finally settled at fifteen for the only guy that showed ANY interest in little old Bony Joni! 

Let me say first and foremost that God has NEVER rejected me from the day I was born until now, He has NEVER rejected me hence the reason for my lifelong dedication and commitment to Him. He has and will NEVER let me down. Not that he hasn’t told me that ‘now is the time to wait, or the time to be patient, or even not now!’ But He has always been my one and only constant in my life that never lets me down or rejects me in anyway.

With that said, I fear rejection. I give my everything to God but that does not stop rejection from happening to me over and over and as a writer fear of rejection should be the norm, it happens to the best of writers! It’s how we deal with it that matters. 

Okay with that said I have to say this too, I miss blogging! Writing my blog is sharing me with you and how I deal with things. If I don’t share, then the words all play scrabble in my brain trying to compartmentalize them and could very possibly keep me awake at night if I stop blogging completely. I’m wondering if that is what insomniacs suffer from, not getting their words OUT so they jumble all that is going on in their day to day life in a brainsoup that keeps them awake at night. 

I’ve never had trouble sleeping so I’m wondering if my writing is what has kept insomnia away from MY doorstep. Dealing with health crisis after health crisis should keep me awake at night but my faith that the Lord will carry me through any fire I walk through settles my mind quite a bit. 

Before I divulge my ‘new’ health scare, let me first say I have no health insurance, I have no money and I HAVE been rejected so many times for Medicaid, health coverage, anything, that I just walk this path day in and day out with the Lord and I’m certain that this is leading up to my next year’s blogging posts, my journey and my survival. Please, do NOT say, “I should do this, or I should do that.” I HAVE exhausted all avenues and here is where I am. My husband applied for medical coverage for me, and it takes time for it to ‘activate’. Yes, it will cost but this was what he wanted to do. January first I can make my first appointment (I think) to see just what is the matter. He’s also applied for medicare disability for me, but I KNOW I will be rejected from that too. I think he took action because 1) he’s seen all of the rejection, 2) he’s smarter than me, and 3) he might be a little scared. 

I waited until after Christmas to post this so I knew you’d all have a Happy Holiday. Not that you’d stress over my health crisis and me but I know some of you might because that is who you are, you love me! Being a woman you’ll relate, you’ll be concerned and you’ll want to see me through this with compassion, love and of course, prayer! And I’m certain I will need all of that to get me through each day.

Just what exactly am I babbling on and on about? Here goes… the ever dreaded lump! Yup, you know that lump you feel during a shower and you think , “Hmm… this is new.” You kind of forget about it and try to wish it away but it is there and it is growing and you then start to think, “Hmm… this isn’t normal at all.” That’s where I’m at. Then, what’s the next thing you do? Google of course because you know, it has all the answers and they’re usually dire and when you get checked out it was not as serious as you thought? 

Well let me tell you, my google search did not bring up anything dire and in some ways it was a comfort knowing but then again it scared me because google is always wrong! Yeah, I laugh and joke during a crisis! Smile with me people!

It doesn’t sound like the ‘C’ word that everyone is afraid of, it sounds more like the ‘c’ word that makes you go, “ewww, I got one of those and it needs draining?” In other words it sounds more like a cyst than it does cancer but it needs to be seen, touched, poked, prodded and looked at by a professional (other than google) to be sure that all is well with my already falling apart body. 

There I said it and I feel better already!

Another Year (poem)

Psalms 116:8 “For thou hast delivered my soul from death, mine eyes from tears, and my feet from falling.”

Another Year…

Another year has passed us by

We’re told to laugh and never cry

Sometimes our eyes don’t know why

A tear rolls down our cheek.

Another year has come and gone

Often struggle to face the dawn

Too many days I just hold on

A tear leaks from my eye.

Another year with all I’ve lost

My family torn it’s what it cost

Memories of the miles I crossed

The tears they never stop.

Another year with Christmas day

Without you here the price I pay

Our lives enhanced is what I say

The tears begin to stop.

Another year in which I fight

To know if what I did was right

And when I see the star filled night

The tears all wash away.

A note from the author:

For forty years I've written my mother and father birthday and holiday cards. This is one to my mother this Christmas. After my dad passed away last year, the tears flow more easily but I am healing, my mother, not so much, she's lost the love of her life and no words, (not even my poems) can take the pain away. 

Think of people who are alone this Christmas without their lifelong spouses, or lost children. 

Christmas is NOT a MERRY time for ALL. 

God Bless one and all!

Feeling Sad

 Writing this, thinking of Christopher I look out the window and see this. 

Col. 3:15 “And let the peace of God rule in your hearts, to the which also ye are called in one body; and be ye thankful.”

A Sad Day

I could feel the sadness brewing at the beginning of the week but when Thanksgiving arrived it hit me like a Mack truck running me over, and my body left to lie on the cold concrete as the truck kept going. I always get sad around the holidays missing my family but it hit me harder this year I think because my one and only living son had to work.

I could feel the hustle and bustle coming through my screen as my days are not much more than sitting behind a screen writing my feelings down or cleaning and scrubbing the house to my liking as I prepare for the Christmas season. I just like a clean house so it tends to keep me busy on a daily basis.

It was 34 years ago on Thanksgiving day that I lost my firstborn son. I often think of what my son would be like had he been able to live in this crazy world. Sometimes I’m thankful that he didn’t have to endure years of pain with me as a failing mother and that he resided with his heavenly Father who would shield him from the world's animosity; it doesn’t hurt any less, after all, Christopher was still born!

It’s too long of a story to get into but the gist of it is, the sharp stinging pains started on Thanksgiving Day in 1982, and a doctor visit the next day confirmed my nine-month fetus was lying in a tomb, my body. A week would pass before the dead lifeless baby was delivered and it was one of those changing points in my life that affected me for life. 

Every Thanksgiving Day has been a kind of memorial day for me (no one else) when I think of that day. I don’t cling to the sadness just for that day but the days that followed leading up to Christopher’s birthday, December 2nd. This year was no different as my husband and I sat at an empty table alone, eating our scrumptious dinner that I was ever so grateful to be eating.

I consider myself to be a strong person but there are two days that buckle me to my knees and that is Astri’s birthday and Christopher’s birthday, my two angel babies that didn’t have work to do on earth but had plenty to do in heaven!

So maybe you can sympathize with me as I eagerly made the turkey, the mashed potatoes, yams, and dressing this year but the meal when done, would only fill my husband and my stomach. Tears streamed down my face during prayer as I was missing so much, feeling so empty waiting to be filled. This was Adam’s first Thanksgiving away from the table and I felt the emptiness in the core of my bones.

I watched as family after family rejoiced in spending time with one another. Picture after picture of sons and daughters, brothers and sisters, aunts and uncles all gathering around for what was to culminate in a family tradition. Family time together, that is what Thanksgiving is to many people but I do know a few who celebrated alone and maybe no one offered a prayer for them (but me) because they were too busy being thankful for what was in front of them.

I think in some way I shaped my own family tradition of loneliness on Thanksgiving Day and not really understanding or comprehending what Family Tradition is all about. My family back home celebrated in their own non-traditional way. My brother invited my mother to his house, my other brother went to his families home, while my other two brothers and sister all ate alone, like me. (My one brother is homeless, the other alone in Tennessee, my sister's kids all ate at their friend's house, I guess, because tradition is not the norm for my blood family)

It’s pretty sad when you miss family because of a death and they’re no longer with you to celebrate, or you live too far away to get together for the turkey day celebration, but it is quite downright pathetic when you have a big uncaring family and you’re left alone on the holiday even without a simple holiday greeting of Happy Thanksgiving! Just so you know, *I* DID make the effort to extend a greeting to those blood family members who are my ‘friends’ on facebook. A huge family and two replies, wow that made my day.

Now my virtual family all replies when you say Happy Thanksgiving to make you feel like some part of their family and celebration; that takes the sting off of feeling depressed during the holiday. Had it not been for them, I would have probably spent the day puddled in tears, feeling hurt and throwing myself a pity party.

My writing break is not over yet but I just had to get this off of my chest and writing is my only healing spot. Thank you all for reading but most off all THANK YOU for allowing me to see traditions through your eyes and letting me know that families DO exist in the world today! Thank you for sharing you with me!

See it or not, this cross was for me. 

Shine

Job 3:4 “Let that day be darkness; let not God regard it from above, neither let the light shine upon it.”

Shine

This little light of mine, I’m gonna let it shine!

This is my decision as I head into a new year; I’m going to shine! The light in me shined a little in 2015 but I could feel it being dimmed. Saturated by circumstances my light was fading as the year was closing. I could feel the tug of war going on inside my soul and as I grabbed tightly to the light within my spirit, I felt it had diminished from a thick rope of strength to a small thread of nary any hope hanging out there in the darkness that I had a hard time holding onto.

The year began with a death (1-25), then yet another death (10-29) and is now being led out in chains with a death (12-14). Not a great year by any means. My candle had burned out, no more wax and no more wick to keep it going and I fizzled. It was as if someone came with wet fingertips and just doused the light that was left in me shining. By years end, I could shine no more. I felt like a deflated water balloon left over by kids of summer just lying in the grass. 

My Christmas day was spent with family and it was really the first time I had spoken about the tragedies of the year with someone other than my mother and my husband. I kind of felt good not just writing about it but also vocalizing about my dad, my aunt, and my uncle. When I woke up on the 26th of December I felt a small burning inside of me, a sensation of a new torch being lit by the match within.

I sat and wrote and by Monday the 28th my candle was fully lit, the flame burning high and a new sense of peace washing over me as if I had been reborn and given a second chance on life. The year of gloom that had hung over my head like a wet napkin was slowly falling apart and diminishing into nothing. I realized I had a light that NEEDED to shine, just a few more days.

Writing took a backseat as I wallowed in self-pity. Not that I had writers block or anything, I just didn’t feel like writing and when I did, none of it made much sense. This year I have had the least amount of posts in my blogging history! Well, no wonder my light was dim! Me without writing is like a baby without their security blanket. It left me feeling all whiney inside (sometimes outside)! 

Well let me tell you, my mother sent me one of the warmest blankets I’ve had in years. A security replacement? A warmth more penetrating than a roaring fire! Whatever it is, I feel like I’m coming back from a year long holiday, one that I didn’t take by choice, it was one that life threw at me, forced me into and asked me to just deal!

As the worst year of my life wraps up, I’m looking ahead and seeing a light shining in the not too far off distance, it’s quite close and appetizing to say the least. This little light of mine? I’m gonna let it shine! Let it shine! Let it SHINE! LET IT SHINE!

Godspeed my friends!

Prov. 4:18 “But the path of the just is as the shining light, that shineth more and more unto the perfect day.”

Tis the Season...

Half of my collection

John 4: 23-24 “But the hour cometh, and now is, when the true worshippers shall worship the Father in spirit and in truth: for the Father seeketh such to worship him.

God is a Spirit: and they that worship him must worship him in spirit and in truth.”

I haven’t written since Thanksgiving and we’re well on our way to the most blessed season of the Christian life. While Thanksgiving came and went, as much as I felt thankful I was also riddled with grief. 

I’ve heard over and over how grief fluctuates and I’m no stranger to grief but have never grieved in this magnitude before. Yes, I lost two children and grieved immensely but I didn’t let the grief take hold of my life and I made some semblance of a life after their deaths. 

I knew my dad was very sick and I tried to prepare myself for the ending but like a good book, we never want it to end and always hope that there will be a sequel. My only hope of a sequel with my father dying, is knowing that he is basking on the shores of heaven and the sequel will rise when I join him. 

Thanksgiving was more than grief for my father; it was a longing to be home with my mother who is fighting her own battles of moving on in an empty home where the two of them shared their days on a 24/7 basis. She is now lonely holding emptiness in her hand and I long to be there to comfort her in her time of grief.

December 2nd was Christopher’s birthday and I came to the realization that I am the mother of a thirty-three year old son, had he been allowed to stay here on this crazy planet. I find solace in knowing that he didn’t have to be a part of this insanity that we call life and that he has an even bigger role in the place we call Heaven!

We had snow on Thanksgiving and hubby worked out in it for four hours in the wind and temps no higher than 25 degrees that day. He also drove in the mess but he did have the pleasure of being home for turkey dinner and home comfortably on Black Friday. Adam and I on the weekend began the Christmas decorating and as of Monday the place was looking like Christmas had kissed and blessed the scene. 

The holidays are shadowed in a new color for me, and I imagine many others, the color of grief. While lights dazzle, tinsel sparkles, snow glistens the bubble surrounding many homes this season is a somber gray, echoed by candlelight and showers of prayer washing over not only people but also a nation in the midst of sadness.

I know many people put on the show of glitz and glamour, hug tightly to the materialistic glow that surrounds the season, find themselves nestled in parties and booze all the while many are out here suffering through the pains that come along with this season, the season of joy, now the season of grief.

I won’t allow grief to ruin my Christmas; after all it is the season that we celebrate the Lord’s birth. I won’t allow fear of the unknown to ruin my Christmas because that is what the terror seekers want for us, to live in fear and I won’t allow that to happen. I will allow fear to empower me and to continue in this season with joy and hope in my heart. 

The prayerful soul that I am will bless you all as you too meander through this season. Go with peace, share the love and Light that Jesus stood for in His coming and prayerfully walk with God as you embrace the diversity that rest assured will slap us in the face in the coming new year.

God bless you all!

John 1:4-5 “In him was life; and the life was the light of men.

And the light shineth in darkness; and the darkness comprehended it not.”

Do We Know the Future?

Luke 21: 21: 9 “But when ye shall hear of wars and commotions, be not terrified: for these things must first come to pass; but the end is not by and by.”

Sunday’s sermon touched on the false prophet who claims to know when the end of the world was near. We hear it all the time that these are the end times but keep in mind that during Jesus’ time the apostles and people all thought that they too were living in the end times. Every generation and false prophet claims that they hold the truth and know when the end times will be.

Matt. 24: 36 But of that day and hour knoweth no man, no, not the angels of heaven, but my Father only.

I realized many years ago that focusing on these false prophecies were only doing more harm than good. It kept me from focusing on God and by allowing myself to be led into this false prophecy satan is achieving his goal and that goal is: “The more lies I feed them, the more they believe what I’m saying and not listening to the truth that God has shown them.”

Let me ask, if you knew they day and hour that you were going to die, would you do anything different? Of course you would! But knowing that the Lord has a set day and time for the day of earth to end, you do nothing?

When a blizzard is said to be coming, people rush out and stock up on food, snacks and toiletries preparing to be hunkered down for days on end. Then the day arrives and not even a flurry lands on the grass, making you realize you prepared for nothing. 

That is exactly what false prophecy is, it gets you thinking the end is near and you prepare for it in fear and then it doesn’t come to fruition. Your fears were based on lies. Yes we can rest assured that God does not lie or instill fear in us, and the end WILL happen and we should only be preparing for our entry into heaven, not wandering about looking to see if the end is upon us so that YOU know (or think you know) when the end will come. God will let those who see, see and those that hear, hear.

There’s a terrorist group that is doing this same thing, instilling fear in people. I’m not going to name them because of course that showers more attention on them and I see that they get enough attention so I’ll let you think about it for a moment. God does not instill fear or terror and anyone who does instill fear is nothing more than a cowardly bully.

Think about it, satan instills fear. We fear death, we fear not measuring up, we fear losing our job and we fear everything and nothing. To live in fear of impending terror you give power to fear.  I hear people cursing God for creating them as worthless to society. I hear people cry in desperation for some kind of anything to help them get through trouble but note, they WON’T give power over to God. They would much rather allow satan run their lives into the pits of hell than admit they NEED God to reign in their life.

I know quite a few atheist (and no, it isn’t you because you’re reading me for the inspiration you seek) an atheist doesn’t have time for inspiration, I assume they only have time for living in fear. I’m not here to judge them because if they are happy, truly happy living that way, well more power to them.

I wonder why so many people are obsessed with when the end will happen. You know what I say? Live every day like it was the last day on earth and you won’t have to live in fear or worry when the end will come.

One of the things that I feel at peace with is that my dad didn’t fear death. When he went into the hospital he knew he wasn’t going to go back home. As much fighting to live the man did, he didn’t fear death even on his last day. With one of his last breaths he told my mother he loved her and I know he was at peace in going to his heavenly home.

No one can predict the future. Not even Jesus knew when the end was going to happen so listening to a minister say HE knows when the end is, you are just feeding his ego of lies. No one knows!!! When it ends, we should all be prepared, not in a panic state, not in a fearful state but in a peaceful state.

With the Thanksgiving holiday approaching and many people traveling the highways, the railroads and the skies, instead of going in fear of what MIGHT happen, go in love and be thankful for a family to go home to on the holiday. Be grateful for the time spent on this earth and cherish every last second because one never knows, it might be your last.

Read Matthew 24

Matt. 24:36 “But of that day and hour knoweth no man, no, not the angels of heaven, but my Father only.”

Emotional Overload

Jude 1: 2 Mercy unto you, and peace, and love, be multiplied.
***

Well how was everyone’s Valentines day? Good? Good.

I personally think that it is one day that is way overrated. Did you ever notice that as soon as the Christmas stuff goes down in January that they start loading up the shelves with everything Valentine?

From teddy bears, to chocolates, to balloons, to flowers. Simply over stuff the shelves and people will have Valentine’s Day shoved down their throat so much that they can’t miss it! Take that, consumer.

I’ve looked at the legends behind February 14th and some sound outrageous but others sound plausible. One legend contends that Valentine was a priest who served during the third century in Rome. When Emperor Claudius II decided that single men made better soldiers than those with wives and families, he outlawed marriage for young men (gasp) — his crop of potential soldiers. Valentine, realizing the injustice of the decree, defied Claudius and continued to perform marriages for young lovers in secret. When Valentine's actions were discovered, Claudius ordered that he be put to death.

St. Valentine would HAVE to be of the male species wouldn’t he? It seems more believable that a woman, whose heartstrings play the tune of love daily would be the reason behind this day of love but no, a man is to blame.

According to yet another legend, Valentine actually sent the first 'valentine' greeting himself. While in prison, it is believed that Valentine fell in love with a young girl — who may have been his jailor's daughter — who visited him during his confinement. Before his death, it is alleged that he wrote her a letter, which he signed 'From your Valentine,' an expression that is still in use today.

Do you see what I’m getting at here? Are we humans that gullible to put our whole being behind a day that was in essence began as a pagan ritual? We have Cupid the god of love, St. Valentine, the bearer of tidings of love, put them together, you have another pagan holiday thrown at your feet.

Why am I telling you all of this? Well because, you see, we’re writers and we have the imagination of the ancients. We can create, spread and make immortal legends of our past too. Of course they more than likely won’t make a holiday where you have hundreds of thousands of dollars spent but hey, the story is there at your fingertips waiting to come alive.

I want today to be St. Joan of Arc Day! Now let me get my fingers tapping and make a story out of it, create a legend and voila! Create a legend. Enjoy the 21st century.

So what did I do for St. Valentines Day? I attended church, came home and had nachos. End of story. (Oh, I wrote a LOVE poem, but I do that all the time and for any occasion.)

Remember this, you don’t need one day to be put aside to give, share or feel love! But, I guess we humans of the 21st Century do need a day to be reminded to love.

Uh oh...better look out...here comes Peter Cottontail and the Lucky Charm leprechaun.