Crossroad to Confusion

Exodus 4:11-12 (NIV) “The LORD said to him, ‘Who gave human beings their mouths? Who makes them deaf or mute? Who gives them sight or makes them blind? Is it not I, the LORD? Now go; I will help you speak and will teach you what to say.’” 

Okay, so here I am reopening my blog writing again and you might be asking yourself why. Well let me tell you my story, yet again. The Big C came into my life on a black horse carrying with it fear and uncertainty. That was January 25th, 2017 when I got the official diagnosis. Now in all of my research, I learned that the C cells were awakened seven to ten years earlier when they were as small as a dust mote and no possible sign of them being seen even with the finest equipment in the 21st century!

I’m not going to rehash the entire story, you can read it here with this link and all of 2017 if you wish but fast-forwarding to 2019, after I was told I was stage 4, that the C cells had metastasized, meaning they spread to my bones, my liver and I have no clue where else. Doctors are funny that way, they tell you snippets of what THEY want in little increments of fear, so you stress and worry yourself, literally to death. But I have something no doctor has and that is FAITH in the Lord my God!

Yes, I know some doctors have faith but I can assure you, they think they are doing God’s work for Him. Maybe they are and maybe they are not, that is not for me to judge. They are NOT the God I listen to. In my heart and my soul, no doctor’s fear penetrates me so much that I override what the Lord tells me and says for me to do.

Around the time of my femur break, I was placed on (OC) Oral Chemo. That is not the same as chemotherapy, being hooked to a machine pumping poison into your system. This poison targets the estrogen positive cells going crazy in my body and attacks the little wanderers in other places.

My markers were extremely high and the doctor really didn’t feel like this OC was going to work but after a month in the hospital, the pills, often not taken on a regular basis until I got home from the hospital, were showing signs of working. The oncologist who visited me in the hospital for the ten days that I was there kept pushing for me to do the port IV Chemo which I AM firmly against. I know it, God knows it, the doctors know it! But Dr. Biscuit, a colleague of my current Onc., was astounded that the little time I was on the OC, my tumor was shrinking and the markers were sliding DOWN the sliding board at record speed!

Markers are blood cell counts. White, red, and C cells. They tell the doctor what is going on inside the body. Dr. Biscuit didn’t want to agree with me that my strict diet adherence is what made my body accept the OC so well when thousands of women across the country were falling sick with vomiting, skin problems, diarrhea, and other side effects. I was an exemplary guinea pig if you will.

Miracle after miracle, my markers, month after month was going down. August-September they were at an all-time high of 2711 dropping to 350 by November. What my doctor failed to tell me was that December and January there was a slight increase in my C cells, not my White and Red ones, so I guess it didn’t draw concern at that time.

During those months I thought I was home free. My current oncologist told me to eat what I wanted to get my weight up and like a fool, I LISTENED to the doctor! As I sit here in February all the junk food, meat, dairy, carbs all toxins I hadn’t had for almost two years were in my body doing a little dance, unbeknownst to me, with my cells! I weigh the same that I weighed when I entered the hospital back in September. So the doctor was wrong in telling me to eat what I want.

I was told to stop my supplements back in September but was allowed my Vitamins A, B12, C, D3, and E. I stopped all supplementation except two that I felt were essential, Green Tea/Curcumin, turmeric/black pepper. The doctor on many occasions LAUGHED at me and made fun of my supplementation. I let it roll off my back because I took jabs at his bald head, so touché.

Also in these months, I’ve been attending Physical Therapy to regain the mobility that I lost when my femur popped out of my leg. Yeah, it was not a simple break, it was a total disaster and they really didn’t think I’d walk again after repairing the damage, but again, miraculously, I PROVED THEM WRONG! I’m walking with a walker and often with just my cane! 

The other day was my oncologist visit. It was the first time they’d seen me NOT in a wheelchair. The one assistant squealed like a little girl in amazement! 

“JONI! What’s this? You’re walking!” Squeals of delight and smiles from the other nurses as I passed and little murmurs of “Way to go!” could be heard as I was led into the docs office. Even the doctor smiled and said, “You’re looking good!”

In the room, the talk began, the banter if you will. Him making fun of me and me listening to his rhetoric on chemotherapy and how people die without it. THIS is when he mentioned my C cells rising. The OC had done its job and can do no more. This is also the time, six months later, that he tells me the OC was only supposed to work for three months. Here I was five-six months out, still looking good for a stage 4 patient. My white and red were ‘plateauing’ as he put it, an evening out.

I got home from the visit sad, not my peppy self when the phone rang as we walked in the door...

“The doctor needs to see you again. Your markers are up.” PA says to me. I said a Wednesday visit would be okay. 

I broke. The tears that had been stored up for a few months all unleashed when the floodgates opened. I had been doing so good, I’ve been soaring, walking, healing, feeling great and BAM! Slap me in the face kind doctor! 

I was angry. For the first time in my spiritual life, I was angry at God! I lost two children and didn’t feel the anger that swelled up inside of me at that very moment. I was not as well as I was led to BELIEVE I was. 

“WHY,” I cried, “why is all of this happening again. I just wanted a break, a reprieve from the stress of healing! I thought I was. I was being misled down a path?” The tears filled the trashcan to overflowing with Kleenex.

That night I did what I always do, I prayed. I apologized first and asked what He’d have me do. No answer. In the morning on Thursday, I prayed as I always do and talked with Him. I had said in jest that if it snows on Wednesday (or snow inhibiting my visit) then my answer was to just say no, to chemo! I looked at the weather and while snow was forecasted for Friday and Saturday, three to four inches, it was sunny and clouds all next week. A deep sigh left me still praying and wondering. What was I to do?

I was told by the docs office to not take any more pills and they called the pharmaceutical place and stopped delivery of further shipments. Great, I’m dangling out here, alone. HA! The jokes on them! I AM NEVER ALONE! I have an Almighty God! An intense faith in my spiritual life! It surpasses anything in this physical realm! I know my friends think I’m crazy, surely the doctor does too, but I have an AMAZING Healer in God! I cannot and will not lose my faith!

I woke Friday morning feeling eerily good. Two days in a row of PT wore me down, the doc visit shredded me to pieces and here I was Friday morning, snow blanketing the fields, and I’m feeling pretty good. Wednesday I tossed the drugs in the trash and resumed right then and there my supplementation. No more meat, back to the strict protocol that OBVIOUSLY worked FOR me and not against me!

On to reading my morning devotional emails. I was going to read ‘Verse of the Day’ first but I inadvertently hit Encouragement for the Day. In it was a story of a woman who had in-vitro fertilization and was told by her doctors that these last four embryos were ‘inferior’. In his YEARS of study, knowledge, and experience told these hope-filled parents that inferior embryos don’t ‘hatch’, so to speak.

She was on the sonogram table listening to THREE HEARTBEATS! From the email: “As I lay on that table, looking at the glowing screen, those three fluttering heartbeats told me what a doctor had labeled “inferior” was exactly the kind of thing God uses to accomplish His will.
Our doctor briskly entered the room, breathless and looking perplexed. “I really don’t know how this happened!” He exclaimed.”

What message was I, little Joni, getting from this? Let’s look at the accompanying scripture and you’ll see/read for yourself.

TRUTH FOR TODAY: Deuteronomy 31:6, “Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid or terrified because of them, for the LORD your God goes with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you.” (NIV)

Exodus 4:12, “Now go! I will help you speak, and I will teach you what to say.” (NCV)

I closed down my writing because I thought I was done, I could move on. As you see...God is not done with me yet! A look at next weeks weather? A 70% chance of snow on Tuesday. 

All praise and Glory to a Wonderful and Amazing God! 

Just in case you were wondering, this was the other message received today. Our God is an AWESOME God! From Charles Stanley: In Touch
Pss 23:1-6

Poetry Sunday ~ Angry Winds

Matthew 15:14 "And if the blind lead the blind, both will fall into a ditch."

Angry Winds 

Fierce winds churned

the chimes banged to life

a cradle bough broke

the day with a knife.

The sleeping ground numb 

while trees bent their head

discourse erupted 

waking the dead

Warped weather crawling

weeping night whispered still

           the moonlight dangling             

an intense hardened chill

Lamppost dispersed

a feathered night sky

angry winds churned

a soft lullaby

Goodnight sleeping beauty

awake in the morn

daybreak is dawning

a new life reborn

Ecc. 3:3 “A time to kill, and a time to heal; a time to break down, and a time to build up;”

I need a break!

Still Small Voice

1 Kgs. 19:12 “And after the earthquake a fire; but the LORD was not in the fire: and after the fire a still small voice.”

Still small voice

Listen, can you hear Him, His still small voice is speaking to you, can you feel him? Maybe you hear an inner voice, maybe He’s revealed in dreams or visions. One way or another God is reaching out to you, can you give Him a moment of your time?

I need to heed my own advice. Yesterday was a pretty bad day, like a pimple everything in me burst; not physically, emotionally. When Lent begins and you alter your routine that you were so set on, you’d be surprised how quickly the Lord responds. 

I’ve said that I’m on a strict protocol but sometimes I don’t feel it is strict enough, I’m not fighting off the common cold mind you. I’ve given up so much that the task of continuing can be quite daunting and overwhelming. This week has been one of those weeks of build-up that came to a head and popped.

For starters, the weather. While everyone is out there laughing at me when I say how cold it is, they are not the ones hindered or put out by the unending cold. They're also not fighting a deathly disease. Let me remind you that last winter we had nary a speck of snow, we had one cold spell that was completely over in two weeks and on this day last year we were hitting record warmth and trees were already showing signs of budding.

Granted I know it is ‘winter’ from December 21-March 21 but for a couple of years, the winters have been mild and bearable. This one is strangely different. I say strangely because with a very dry summer we normally would have a dry winter, but this year when droughts were rampant across the country, after the wildfires in the west, something happened up there in the jet stream that changed weather across the states. 

Since December 21st, we’ve had snow or ice on the ground not allowing me my daily walks. The temperatures have been below normal meaning I’ve seen more minus zero wind chills than days above zero, or even above the freezing temp of 32. With the cold comes clouds, more clouds than sun. With ice, clouds and cold it has swept me into hibernation and that is not an allowed protocol of a vicious disease that lets me know who’s boss on any given day.

With the viciousness of the attack of this illness, I get very down, another part of the protocol that is not allowed. I know from the outside world you can’t see it, so of course, you’re going to laugh and not think of how your simple words might cut me like a knife. I do understand that life is going on for everyone else while mine has come to a complete standstill and turned around for me 360 degrees.

Yesterday I cried, a deep cry where my eyes puffed up, my nose clogged beyond decompression, my head ached and my whole body shivered and shook wanting to curl into a ball and be left alone. I told my husband I didn’t know what was happening or why I was crying like this. I just feel like I’m getting worse, not better, I’m not strong but am becoming weakened. I feel like Jesus went to pray and came back and here I am sleeping. He wanted me awake and I couldn’t do that one simple thing for Him, stay awake!

My husband told me that I used to cry like this a lot in the beginning and that I’ve been doing great. I sure don’t feel like I’ve been doing great but he assured me I was. Even with his assurance and compassion, I felt like sleeping, never to wake up again. I prayed.

Yesterday, tucked in among the frigid gloomy days was a sixty-degree day. The winds were horrendous, kind of ruining the beauty but after my cry, my dog needed to do some business and my hubby was in the shed working on a project. I rose and went to the back door, letting the dog outside, I looked around; the winds subsided. For a brief moment, I felt the sun, I drank in the warmth of my swollen face and felt a peace wash over me. God was letting me know, in His still small voice that I was going to be okay. 

Yesterday I craved everything that I haven’t had for a year. Yes, I know I can crash but I craved like never before. While shopping, I wanted donuts, I wanted pizza, I wanted everything but knew I could have nothing. I grieved beyond consolation, when I got home I crashed into a fit of tears that hurt every part of my being and there was this day, possibly the Son shining just for me, letting me know that I need to see how far I’ve come.

Luke 4:2 “Being forty days tempted of the devil. And in those days he did eat nothing: and when they were ended, he afterward hungered.”

I was reminded that when Jesus fasted, for forty days He was tempted by the devil, He didn’t cave but instead said, “Satan, get thee behind me.” I’m letting you know quite bluntly, I’m not Jesus and sometimes am not that strong.  

Luke 4:8 “And Jesus answered and said unto him, Get thee behind me, Satan: for it is written, Thou shalt worship the Lord thy God, and him only shalt thou serve.”

I caved and ate a small frozen pizza. Not just any frozen pizza, I added black olives, onion, jalapeno peppers, ham, and some turkey bacon; the pizza was a feast I haven’t seen for a year! I had two slices of bread with butter, a pickle and some green olives on the side. I ate the entire meal! I was full and it felt good to be full. Granted I’ve been eating well for a year, and yes I’ve had a day or two out of the year where I went off protocol but this winter is the real test. It is making me feel total insecurity, anxiousness, doubt, and fear all coming to a head and exploding.

I need to let you all know that the struggle is real. Appreciate every whimsical chance you get to be with the ones you love. Eat like tomorrow you might not have another piece of food enter your mouth and pray, pray your illness can be fought and won and don’t ever give up. Listen for that still small voice in your head, but most of all, HEAR what it is saying.

This week we’re back to the brisk cold, the clouds swallowing the sun whole, and me kicking myself in the butt for breaking! I need to get back into my exercise routine that winter curtailed even if it is on a bike that sits inside four walls. I need to be lifted up instead of feeling down, even if that means I need to stay away from everyone and their great food filled lives, I need to listen to that still small voice telling me to wake up, I’m not alone! I need to feel Jesus, tapping me on the shoulder telling me He is right here beside me, that He made it, He put satan in his place and we can go on from today with our heads held high. We embrace… I’m not alone. 

God is good, all of the time. All of the time, God is good!

Jas. 1:2-5 “My brethren, count it all joy when ye fall into divers temptations;

Knowing this, that the trying of your faith worketh patience.

But let patience have her perfect work, that ye may be perfect and entire, wanting nothing.

If any of you lack wisdom, let him ask of God, that giveth to all men liberally, and upbraideth not; and it shall be given him.”

All praise and Glory to God!

Going With Confidence?

Ps. 118:8 “It is better to trust in the LORD than to put confidence in man.”

Going with Confidence?

I say this amid a week of doubts and uncertainty. While I still feel assured doing what I’m doing is the right thing, there are those days that doubt creeps in like the mouse you never knew you had peeks his head out as a crumb falls to the floor. You didn’t know it was there but sure enough, his eyes meet yours and he scurries away.

Here I am five days away from Christmas. The weather has been unseasonably warm, the winds brutal and just like Christmas itself will arrive, so will old man winter awaken on the twenty-first of December to give us our first real winter cold spell.

I’m going to be honest here, I don’t think I’m ready for the family gathering. I’ve noticed here lately it is getting harder to pass up those sweet treats, drinks and toxic (to me) foods. I do, but it feels harder than when this all began eleven months ago.

I caved last week after going through the entire food store full of Christmas cookies, eggnog, sprinkle-topped sugar cookies of seasonal red and green colors, biscuits and breads, turkeys and hams. I rounded the freezer section and WHAM there it was – a pizza – Maximus Supremus it said, with a window to gaze at the topping filled pizza. It somehow jumped into my cart and to my husbands' amazed eyes he questioned my choice. “I want pizza!” I exclaimed with tear-rimmed eyes and made it to checkout with pizza in tow.

That night for dinner I gobbled five pieces of the delicious cheese-filled topping exploding pizza after shoveling the small slices in my mouth savoring every single bite. Not without guilt, I might add because yes, the measly two pieces that were left, I left for my son to eat. Eleven months of not caving and cheating on my protocol went out the window for a brief moment in time when I indulged in satisfying my flesh! I caved!

While my husband himself has remarkably slowly given up his addiction to sugar and Pepsi, not for me, for his own health, still can eat what he wants. Most of the time the Doritos, or cheese and crackers, or the three-flavored popcorn in a tin, doesn’t bother me, but here lately with the facebook walls lighting up with sugar cookies and toxins that would kill me paint the walls in hopes of satisfying the ones that they will only slowly kill. 

The holiday is all about food and family here. It’s not about exchanging gifts, it’s not about seeing family you haven’t seen all year, it’s about getting together and sharing a meal. I remember last year on Christmas we were hit with a torrential downpour with hail, lightning and thunder crashing all around the vehicle almost keeping us from the visit. But we made it to our destination safely and of course, we had a great time. Their concern (after seeing we all made it) was wanting to know how I was doing and I basically said fine and that I’d have a doctor visit and would know more. And boy did I ever learn more. At the time I thought I was suffering from MS but little did I know it was much worse.

This year we’re going to be hit with a seasonal cold spell! Twenty-three degree high is predicted for Christmas Day. While many across the nation have already dealt with the blustery cold and snowy season, the fifties have spoiled us. This tiny woman, forty pounds lighter, might feel the biting cold more than I have in the nine years since I’ve been in Nebraska.

While I feel I’m doing well, I don’t feel ready to be seated around a table full of delicious smelling food that in years past I ate and enjoyed. I have to watch as people overload their plates, go for seconds, complain about needing to lose weight as they head to the dessert table and proceed to get two helpings. I have to remain silent as people overindulge, laugh and chuckle as they fill their faces, while I can’t as I’m writhing, holding back tears. I am going to need iron strength not to carry the bitter taste in my mouth that I have right at this moment.

Will this stop me from fighting my fight with everything I have? By no means! I am not faltering just because a Christmas party declares I NEED to eat the toxic (to ME) food served. I declare that I have at least twenty years left in me, assuming the world even lasts that long. I have a spiritual family online that loves and cares that I succeed and will lend me prayers where I need. I know I may come off as confident and secure but know, there are times I break, I cry, I pout, then remember to whom this season belongs to and am reminded that my strength lies in Him! I will go in confidence only because I know I am loved. 

Prov. 3:26 “For the LORD shall be thy confidence, and shall keep thy foot from being taken.”

Merry Christmas my Spiritual Family! I am counting on your prayers to carry me through with confidence! God Bless Everyone!

Elaine DeBoucher made this for me

Sometimes I Just Need A Break From...

“Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged, for the LORD your God will be with you wherever you go.” Joshua 1:9 (NIV)

Sometimes I just need a break from…

… the disease

Apparently, it’s the disease ravishing the nation, running rampant through the bodies of millions, dripping from the eyes of everyone who is touched by the disease. Everywhere I turn the stupid word turns up. Cancer is taking over the airwaves more than diabetes, autism, or heart disease, the word is everywhere I look and is the very reason I won’t use it.

You’ll often read from me that I have this ‘crud’, or this disease, and maybe even call it ‘the C’ but rarely do I use the word cancer. Facing this mind-numbing illness by choosing to do everything non-conventionally I can’t help but see the word but I’ll be darned if I use it all the time. I don’t want to use the word out of denial or fear, oh no, I know this illness has me in its grips and is wrestling with the very cells of my being. I don’t use the word because I won’t own this parcel that has taken over my doorstep.

Sometimes I need a break from the disease that has taken over my body and will define the rest of my life partly I need a break because I’m drained from information overload. I wake every day and thank the Lord for giving me one more day and then I begin to write. As a writer, I dig into research before I place one word on my journaling pages and that can be more overwhelming than the diagnosis itself.

It has been six months since I was diagnosed and I have been working on healing myself inside and out. I didn’t allow the oncologist to drill in me their fear tactics of an imminent death sentence because I knew what attacked too many members of my family and it wasn’t the diagnosis that killed well over ten members it was the toxic chemical treatments. 

Research, research, and more research needs to be done for this battle to be won. The crud will not be the end of my journey. I have a rewarding purpose in life and defeat is not in my vocabulary unless I use it to say I am defeating the disheveled cells wreaking havoc on my body. But sometimes I just need a break from…the disease.

I know my extremely supportive friends understand if I don’t write every single day or if I sit silently as I scan my facebook news feed, they’re pretty awesome in understanding me. They tell me often how they could never do what I’m doing, or eat the foods I’m eating or even have the discipline to sacrifice what I do on a daily basis.

When I gave my life over to the Lord at the tender age of fourteen, my life took on a new shape a new meaning and pretty simply put became all about sacrifice. I’ve sacrificed so much over my life span and to me, it is all worth the journey because while many will die a fruitless death and be put into the cold ground to shiver their bones for eternity, I am promised eternal life. That for sure is my driving force as I’ve lived half of my life already.

If we as Christians are willing to sacrifice all for God, why are there many that won’t sacrifice lusts of the world, the cravings of their stomach, the feast of their eyes, the destruction of their souls? Why do they call me extraordinary when I am only doing my duty and being a dedicated servant to the temple entrusted to me to take care of?

Through my strength, I am shining a beacon of hope to those that might not have any. I am a pillar of brazen beauty flourishing in the road of turmoil. I am overcoming obstacles that were once thought impassable. I am showering the world with my faith and everything that holds me during these troubling times. May they see in me the God that I serve, the Spirit that dwells within me. I know my spiritual family will all understand if sometimes I just need a break from… the disease.

Matt. 6:20 “But lay up for yourselves treasures in heaven, where neither moth nor rust doth corrupt, and where thieves do not break through nor steal:”

Moving Right Along...Healing

Luke 9:11 And the people, when they knew it, followed him: and he received them, and spake unto them of the kingdom of God, and healed them that had need of healing.

Moving right along… HEALING

While some might see my alternative treatment actions of this disease of mine as bungee jumping without any bungee cords, I see myself as jumping with a safety net; a net filled with cotton balls no less!

You see, chemotherapy is not safe bungee cord. Chemo is a frayed bungee cord that they hand you after you’ve already paid the enormous jumping fee. Then you find out that the bridge is under construction and could topple mid jump and most assuredly you won’t make it alive. You will have a long arduous life wrought with pain and sicknesses of all kinds, but hey, that’s the price you pay when bungee jumping from the Chemo bridge.

As people struggle to understand my approach, I struggle to understand their soapbox that they stand on and think they know all of the facts because of a couple people who survived with the chemo treatments. I have yet to see a success story unless it was caught early on and they had minimal treatments. They STILL had to change their eating habits and lifestyle or guess what, their frayed cord comes back to haunt them, it stings them for years.

I apparently have been living with this disease for YEARS. The lump didn’t just pop up over night. Nope, it isn’t the size of a pea either! I allowed the lump to grow for a year before I got it checked out because of no health insurance and believe me, it didn’t appear at a moment's notice either. If you believe it did, then you must also believe the earth was brought about by a Big Bang Theory.

Just as the Creator didn’t blink Earth into existence overnight, He took his time and made sure everything was perfect, just perfect. Everything was moving right along until an entity came along with a ‘better idea’ of how to run things. We all see how that turned out, don’t we? We are no longer living in a perfect creation.

Remember, before satan came along the earth was flourishing with herbs and spices, and untainted animals. The atmosphere wasn’t full of toxins. The waters were clean enough to drink and bathe in, and the food was good enough to eat. In those days when people got sick, I can most assure you that what healed them was herbal teas. They tiptoed out in the fields, plucked flowers and leaves and boiled them in water to make a tea to drink in hopes it would heal their beloved sick. 

Through tried and true measures, they found what worked and the results were handed down to their fellow man. Then it happened, again satan felt he knew how to run this machine better than man. Greed came out to play and you see before you the game he spun, the Big Pharma who has pockets deeper than any valley. The laughter is echoed as people die but their pockets are full and their lives are monetarily rich beyond measure. Good job, satan!

Many people are conditioned, or brainwashed into believing everything they are told. Me, I’ve always had a way of finding my own way, walking in faith with one hand in Gods' hand, the other with the truth. God didn’t give me a mask to show off to the people so that everyone falls for a disguised woman. No, he gave me a beauty from the inside that shines for all the world to see.

This illness does not define me. My faith defines the woman I am and people who think THEY have a better way to run this factory we live in won’t mislead me. Mankind is overrun with little satans all thinking they have the right cure for this and that when all along the simplistic approach that God handed us STILL works to this day.

When I was first diagnosed, doctors tried to shatter me to the core, people lashed out telling me what I MUST do, or die! Everyone became the speaker on a podium with their wriggling pointing fingers. They tried to place me in the corner of the ring, where I was left to cower, curled up and in tears. I looked up. Right in front of me was a glorious Light shining. From four corners of the earth, it seemed the Light beckoned me to continue to follow Him. He offered the Way, the Truth and the Life. I rose, took His hand and followed.

John 14:6 “Jesus saith unto him, I am the way, the truth, and the life: no man cometh unto the Father, but by me.”

While fingers are still pointing, people are still on their podium, and there are those who would just rather burn me at the stake for not following along with THEM and THEIR conformity. I will stand tall and I will stand firm as persecution surrounds me. I WILL walk into the Light with no fear in where it is I am being led. I am moving right along in attaining that perfect world that God created for ALL of us to share.

All praise and Glory to God!

John 14:2  In my Father's house are many mansions: if it were not so, I would have told you. I go to prepare a place for you.

Fusion Of Confusion

Job 23:12 "Neither have I gone back from the commandment of his lips; I have esteemed the words of his mouth more than my necessary food."

The Fusion of Confusion

I have to admit, what gets me down these days is the confusing mess of foods. For the past four months I’ve read this, that and the other thing. Eat this, don’t eat that, try this, this FEEDS cancer, leaving me in a total state of confusion and seriously just want to be left alone! 

A perfect example is this from this link.

“Your alkaline diet should be primarily based on organic leafy green vegetables, cauliflower and cabbages, broccoli, herbs and spices, root vegetables, beans, nuts and seeds, lentils and peas, onions, garlic, leek and chives, and non-gluten grains such as rice in small amounts.”

Now from ChrisBeatCancer and The Truth About Cancer says NO to nuts except almonds, and NO to beans and lentils and NO to grains! This kind of puts me in a state of confusion as I’m trying to fight this battle. I get so frustrated with so much mixed information!

This weekend was one of those weekends where everything I did seemed wrong, everything I touched seemed to break, and everyone I spoke to I feel I spat words instead of used encouraging words. I just wanted to be left alone. It was my anniversary and we already committed to going to our nephews' marriage. He is my husband’s sister’s step-son (from a previous marriage on her husband’s part) but an honorable young man none the less.

I knew being around all of those people was really going to put a strain on me, and my husband said it’s because I don’t like being around people. I think he’s wrong, I love people but here lately the enemy is filling me with doubts and judgments, anger, frustration and disgust.

It hasn’t even been four months since my diagnosis and I’m just expected to be the old me who wasn’t told she has an illness. An illness that scares the world but I’m expected to wear a brave face constantly and I’m moving along in my stride, trying my best. Sunday the fourteenth I sat in repentance and now I need to heal from my sin. Writing helps me to actually SEE the errors of my ways, and humility will bring me sharing them with you, my reader, the ones who care for me and will pray for me.

The week before, we went to a graduation where there were hundreds of people. The graduation and people didn’t bother me as much as not being able to go out and eat afterward. Then the wedding, the same thing happened, I didn’t feel strong enough to go to the reception where food, booze and people (who all appeared healthy) were going to be. 

My husband is a people watcher. I’m sure many of you can relate. You go to the beach not to drink in the health of the sea, but to basically watch people. You go to carnivals and fairs and what do you wind up doing? Watching people, it’s human nature I understand that. Here lately, I do not feel human!

I feel like one of those old beat up, run down cars sitting on someone’s property, just there to one day be worked on, but in the meantime, it is just there. I go to a graduation and I’m just there, a wedding, just there. I’m rusty and corroded while everyone else is shiny, sporting new do’s, new clothes, ten-inch heels, strutting like they have no care in the world, looking like a picture of health and then there is me, I’m just there.

My neighbor, who is a hoarder, has three cars sitting over there, they’re broken down but they look like they work. They don’t look bad at all, other than them clogging up the property. That’s what I feel like, I’m just here clogging up the family, having them worried and concerned if what I am doing is not insane when there are drugs out there to help me. 

I allow myself some down time and then I repent because I KNOW I am stronger than this. I KNOW I can beat this and I am the most optimistic person in my corner. Pastor Bill said something that struck me, he said, “When you’re sick sure, go to the doctors but know who the ultimate physician is.” And he gave a scripture James 5:13-15. (look at that number that is the date that I got married.) 

James 5:13-15  "Is any among you afflicted? let him pray. Is any merry? let him sing psalms. Is any sick among you? let him call for the elders of the church; and let them pray over him, anointing him with oil in the name of the Lord: And the prayer of faith shall save the sick, and the Lord shall raise him up; and if he have committed sins, they shall be forgiven him."

So as the enemy works on filling me with doubts and having me second guessing myself, I’m trying to be the fixer-upper that I know resides in me. All of the negativity and hate that people spew is not helping the matter so I need to stay away for awhile so I can build the strength I need to get through this. 

Yes, in time I will have more strength. What I eat and what unhealthy living habits others eat and drink won’t bother me, but right now that is causing me to want to spew hateful comments and that is NOT WHO I AM!! I’ll continue to pray for you.

I just received a message from my mother that her brother has been placed in hospice and will be passing soon. His ex-wife just died in April and their son passed in December. Prayers are definitely needed as my God saves me while taking others. 

I have left my email address on my facebook account in case you don’t see me or hear from me, THAT is how to contact me. I will be deleting my other account soon so THAT is not an option of contact. 

I am grateful for those who have continued their support of me and I pray for those who don’t. I am not weak, I am STRONG and glad to be alive and find life so worth living, I am taking care of myself to see that I continue. 

God be with you all! 

2 Tim 1:7  “For God hath not given us the spirit of fear; but of power, and of love, and of a sound mind.”

It Affects The Whole

Job 34:13 "Who hath given him a charge over the earth? or who hath disposed the whole world?"

What you say and do affects the whole!

When someone says, “Oh that don’t affect me.” I seriously believe they are lying to themselves. I try to say I won’t let all of this negative barrage of false information affect me but it has me feeling like a scrambled egg in a hard-boiled world!

I took a much-needed break last week from writing BECAUSE the negativity is wearing me down! I had a cold on Saturday; I call it my once a year cold because I only get a cold once a year. I didn’t get it when Steven had his a month ago but Adam was off of work for his cold and well THAT is the cold that latched onto me like a leech to fresh skin.

With all the negative mudslinging and me trying to get away from it, the cold snuck up on me, sank in and had me feeling not too well so I, the woman who never rest, rested! A much-needed rest from writing and playing into the hateful hurtful hands of a society gone mad.

It can’t be just me but when I was being raised I distinctly remember being told not to talk about money, religion, or politics. The Social Forums have become my ancestors’ worst nightmare where people actually think that THEY can change your mind by filling the newsfeed with HATE!

I’m not force-feeding my Native American friends my religious views nor me their Spiritual views. We have a mutual respect for one another. So why can’t political views be the same? Why the force-fed inundating hate-filled political views? And we wonder why we have such lousy choices to choose from? People, young and old, male and female cannot be civil beings and respect one another, that’s why!

You cannot change my view on abortion by showing me a late term abortion where a living baby is being pulled (yanked) out of a woman and tossed in the trash! Especially after hearing amazing stories by amazing women about choices that had to be made, and they chose wisely! Another friend was told by the DOCTOR (as happens more than YOU know) to abort her baby and she CHOSE to listen to her instincts and not to!

You cannot make me become a republican by trashing the democrats and vice versa! Do you honestly feel you’re HELPING an already destructive warpath? You’re NOT! You’re adding fuel to the fire and I consider you walking merrily with Satan hand in hand looking like a family. A family that hates together stays together!

Why am I talking about this with you? Because your negative infectious antics have AFFECTED ME! I’m sick, I’m tired, and I just want to write about the blessings that this world has and all anyone can do is rant about what they hate in the world. It has literally made my body susceptible to a normally fought off cold!

People are deleting long time friends, people are arguing over the who’s right and who’s wrong in society, cyber attackers are taking down websites, and  scary clowns are turning fun happy clowns into something sinister. Do we really think this is going to end after the November elections are over? I’m afraid not my friends, this is the beginning of the end and I’m going to be off in my own little world with my happy thoughts thanking my Lord for saving me from the chaos about to ensue. 

God be with you all! 

Heb. 2:4 “God also bearing them witness, both with signs and wonders, and with divers miracles, and gifts of the Holy Ghost, according to his own will?”

Light In The Dark

Outside my back door!

Pss. 1:1-2  "Blessed is the man that walketh not in the counsel of the ungodly, nor standeth in the way of sinners, nor sitteth in the seat of the scornful. But his delight is in the law of the LORD; and in his law doth he meditate day and night.

Light in the Dark

Well, I’m taking a much needed break from the internet activities that had absorbed my world. Hey, I’ve even gotten some cleaning done in the process. It’s pretty amazing what happens when you prioritize your time and eliminate the Black Hole of negativity that tries to consume you on every click. 

I’m still here writing! There is no Black Hole that can take that away from me because basically, it is my medicine to get all the dark out and let the light into my world. I’m trying to be a light in the dark and while some might see me as a self-righteous snob others see me as the inspirational message that they might need to hear on any given day. 

I need to say this in my own defense of my recent ramblings. If there is a person out there reading my words and thinks I’m speaking about them directly and their lives then you need to do a deep soul searching to find the reason you feel that I’m speaking about you in particular.

When there are hundreds or thousands, possibly millions of people on the same conscious stream, meaning everyone thinking alike, you are bound to think I am targeting you in general. That’s what a writer does without pinpointing one person.  We write about the collective whole and finding the vein that pulsates from your weakness. And technically, that is what it is, a weakness you have embraced and not healed from within yourself. 

We all hold a light force deep within us but many allow the black hole of a negative society to own them. The light cannot and will not shine no matter how much you fake the you that you display to the world. There is a healing place and the only one that I’ve found for myself is not from friends or family, because sometimes they are transmitters of negativity and if anyone knows my family, you would say, run for your life child. 

No, my healing place is meditation on the Word. I find positive energy in the Light and love of the Psalms and Proverbs. Yes the entire bible is to be read (Old and New Testament) but to actually find the light force, you need to meditate on the positive elements, not the chronological aspects that might leave you with questions, bewilderment, a need for proof and more answers. 

There’s a healing place that is not meant to be hidden in the bible, but so many get lost with the metaphors or timeline of events and the shroud of darkness that is in the Bible; elements of incest, rape, and murder. They get lost trying to figure it all out when the Bible was meant to be a tool for you to build or rebuild the life you have before you.

Do you think it was coincidence that the chosen ones were sinners among men? Do you think that Joseph, the carpenter, wasn’t some form of symbolism of the life we are to build in Christ? The bible is heavy laden with metaphors and symbolism and God asks us not to get tied up with dissecting them but to hear the word, live the word and build your life around the word. Then and only then will you emit a Light that no dark hole can ever swallow and penetrate. 

As I watch a dark hole swallow up the people in society, I want to reach right in and grab them before they get pulled so far into the hole that they can never get out. You can and WILL lose the battle because the oxygen sustaining life will be sucked right out of you and there is no turning back.

I apologize to anyone whom my words hurt, if any. I write to make you (people in general) aware of the fine line between right and wrong. Yes, I’m a sinner and get tugged on more occasions than I care to mention but I fight, fists first to win a battle of good and evil, for me, good always wins! It’s the optimist in me. I will always see the Light in the dark and BE the light in the dark times. 

Praise be to God!

Joel 1: 15-20 “Alas for the day! for the day of the LORD is at hand, and as a destruction from the Almighty shall it come. 

Is not the meat cut off before our eyes, yea, joy and gladness from the house of our God? The seed is rotten under their clods, the garners are laid desolate, the barns are broken down; for the corn is withered. How do the beasts groan! the herds of cattle are perplexed, because they have no pasture; yea, the flocks of sheep are made desolate.

O LORD, to thee will I cry: for the fire hath devoured the pastures of the wilderness, and the flame hath burned all the trees of the field.

The beasts of the field cry also unto thee: for the rivers of waters are dried up, and the fire hath devoured the pastures of the wilderness.

A Break... I'm Not Clay

Pss. 38:10 “My heart panteth, my strength faileth me: as for the light of mine eyes, it also is gone from me.”

A Break… I’m Not Clay

It is with great distress that I need to announce a break. Whether physically or mentally I know myself too well to stick around to watch the hellfires consume the people I love. I want to thank everyone from the bottom of my heart who has inspired me to continue writing. This year has been an active place of healing for me, and I thank you with love.

You’ve told me over and over again how I lift your spirits, how you love my honest writing, how it is I that inspires YOU when it is some of you that inspires ME! I look for that inspiration every day in my life but don’t always find it where I look. Am I looking in the wrong places? Apparently yes. 

Facebook is becoming a desert, a desolate place where vultures linger and seek to suck every bit of life out of one living cactus. I’m a very sensitive person to the point the tiniest pinprick causes me to burst in a way I’m not accustomed to. Sorry, I don’t play your little games of ‘popularity’. Games, that’s all it is behind your mask. Well, I’m not clay, you’re not going to shape me into a hater, racist pig. I see people thinking they’re helping by spreading hate but they are a part of the demolition crew that is destroying this world.

Whether it is in YouTube comments or Yahoo comments or on Facebook, the vultures feed off of the sensitivity and I cringe when I hear/read the battle cry of joy when they’ve doused the light of the one shining brightness in a darkened world. They enjoy seeing people in pain. It is some kind of sickness that they embrace and I totally need to step away, to breathe.

A reality hit me last week when I had the pleasure of listening to this tiny little twelve-year-old, Grace VanderWaal, sing her heart out. 

One of her songs went like this:
I don’t know my name
I don’t play by the rules of the game
So you say I’m just trying
Just trying… to find my way.

Another of her songs Clay was one of my favorites. It touched me in a place that not many long time experienced writers touch me and here was this little girl, thinking she couldn’t sing, taking the world by storm and marking her spot in history. The elite vultures are going to devour her and place the obstacles of fame and popularity on her doorstep and while she has loving parents to protect her, they can only do so much.

“Your silly words
I won't live inside your world 
Cause your punches and your names
All your jokes and stupid games
They don't hurt
No they don't hurt
Watch them just go right through me
Because they mean nothing to me

I'm not clay” 
~ 12-year-old singer/songwriter Grace VanderWaal lyrics 

Like me wanting to protect people from their harsh reality of prejudice, racism, bigotry and hypocritville, people fall victim day in and day out and there is no protector. Sure they claim they have God as a protector, but too many times I see them as food for the vultures more than I see the Living God in them. They are being devoured and I have a weak stomach for mangled flesh.

Yesterday my stomach churned as if I was on the Zipper at the fair. I watched a good movie but it wasn’t enough to help relieve the motion sickness I felt in my stomach for mankind. Satan is trying to attack me from every angle whether it is my son (who will be out of his new job in two months due to the store closing down) or my love of nature; my ceramic birdbath fell yesterday cracking like a clay vase falling from the thirteenth floor with irreparable damage. Then there is the loss of respect for friends I once admired and looked up to as they slither in the snake pit, now I only see a darkness shrouding their beings. It’s all too much for me to bear and TRY to be a positive light in these dark and solemn times. I need to re-energize.

Maybe a break will help. Maybe I’ll unplug the computer completely and just vanish in an air of shrouded mystery. Maybe a day or two will be enough or maybe I need more time, only time will tell, eh? I need to breathe and only my commitments will stay while I take a step back from virtual reality. It’s not and never was a nice fit for me. TO ME, the virtual world is a huge department store on Black Friday filled to capacity with nude mannequins. I see a human off in the distance but I’ll never reach them because the mannequins will topple on top of me and smother me to death.

When I feel the anger and negativity start to boil over like water left on the stove, and I begin to lash out with hatred in my veins I know it’s time for me to get away from that which sickens me. I won’t be molded and formed into the hate-filled people that seem to run the virtual society. People are vicious and they hold no shame. Me, I’m ashamed of this place. I need to breathe because I’m NOT CLAY!

Author's note: *
*sorry Mike, I tried to see the good in a damned world. 
* I'll continue writing, bookmark my blog 

Deuteronomy 31:6 KJV 

Be strong and of a good courage, 

fear not, nor be afraid of them: 

for the LORD thy God, 

he it is that doth go with thee; 

he will not fail thee, nor forsake thee.

A Break

John 5:30 “I can of mine own self do nothing: as I hear, I judge: and my judgment is just; because I seek not mine own will, but the will of the Father which hath sent me.”

I’m taking a break. Maybe you’ve noticed, maybe you haven’t but there comes a time when God puts a halt to your daily routine and lets you know you need a break from it all. 

I’ve almost given facebook up completely (except for the prayer requests) since facebook is no longer a feel-good place. Instead of the place lifting my spirits up, what has happened is the complete opposite. There is no way to bathe yourself in negativity on a daily basis and it makes you feel good. 

It has grown to be more than all of the political crap being spewed by the ‘so-called’ Christians, there is a blanket of negative posts that leads one to see people differently, like not in a good light? I just have to take a break. I don’t like seeing people in a negative light. My blog writing will pay the price because not even writing positive stuff makes me feel good anymore. The negativity has saturated my being and I need a break so I can refocus and come back in full form.

There used to be a couple of positive posts that I could look to and it lift me up and carry me through the day but no, two positive posts do not outweigh the twenty or so negative posts. Yes, this election year has turned people into some sort of demon seeds, spilling out hate like an oil slick on water damaging anything it comes into contact with. 

People think they are being helpful and insightful but all that they do is generate a negative energy that feeds the other legion of negative dwellers. They swarm like bees, gnawing the very essence of positivity and draining the site of all the good left in the world. And then people wonder why they can’t sleep at night?

That’s the one good thing that hasn’t been ruined by the negative virtual world and that’s my sleep. I sleep soundly, I fall to sleep right away and the only thing that awakens me is the sound of the early birds chiming in my window and letting me know the sun is about to rise. So that’s my positive; yay me!

The downright chilly mornings are refreshing. Open windows, low electric bills, no heater needed or A.C., a roof over my head and food in my fridge. All are the positive things that I hold onto while venturing into the negative realm. 

The babies; my niece (and her hubby) have a daughter about to turn one-year-old, my nephew (and his wife) has a daughter turning one in August, my other niece (and her hubby) have three beautiful well rounded adjusted kids that I love seeing their faces and pics to make my day more merry. And I also have a friend who has a daughter with a baby who has the most beautiful eyelashes and laughter that can make any downer of a day a pick me up of a day. Those beautiful faces keep facebook alive for me.

I’ve suffered from depression my whole life, I’ve never been medicated for depression or back pain and I walk with my head high because I will not throw negative crud in people’s faces to make them feel worse? We have a very sick nation that enjoys spewing hate!

Thank you for telling me what I already know. Thank you for letting me know what Memorial Day is all about because God knows, the stupid people who read your wall were not too sure. Thank you for telling me how stupid Democrats are and how intelligent Republicans are? Because again, God knows I don’t know this stuff and I need YOU to make your ego feel good and yes, that’s all it is, YOU on an EGO trip.

I need a break because the more time I spend in the virtual world the less I feel like a human being,and the more anger fills my soul. I knew I didn’t need this world to invade my world and turn me against the world. Yeah, I know, that makes no sense. But hey, nobody sees me as having sense anyway, so enjoy your life. Enjoy the mask-wearing ego-tripping person that you are and leave me to my God. Oh was that name calling? My apologies. You the people have done this and I THANK YOU! For showing me who you truly are and who I will never be in my lifetime.

Oh, and God forgive me. Oh, that’s right, I know you will, thanks. 

May God Bless Everyone! Yup, Muslims too! 

Poetry Sunday~ The Path I Take

Pss. 17:5 Hold up my goings in thy paths, that my footsteps slip not.
***
The Path I Take
***
As curious winds dance about
snow lay at my feet
swirling in my mind is doubt
for all the world to meet.

Take my hand and walk me through
the life that has a muddled hue.

Swift soft whispers of the day
spin my life around
stellar are the stars I see
they lift me off the ground.

Hold me now for I am weak
my Father’s face, do I seek.

Step lightly as you pass.
on wilted willow's bough;
Windows open, breath falls in
I’m here amongst you now.

He breathes new life into me
I share for all the world to see.