Shine On

Prov. 30:5 “Every word of God is pure: he is a shield unto them that put their trust in him.”

SHINE ON!!!

I will be the first to admit that this year has been a struggle to shine on in a world full of darkness. It began in the beginning of the year when a cloud overshadowed the month of January in the form of death, a beloved aunt.

Death is never an easy thing but it was especially hard for me since I couldn’t be back home with my family. I would muddle through the trenches of guilt, shrug off the feelings of incompetence and embrace the Light of the Lord as my strength to get me through yet another of life's crisis’.

Crawling my way out of the mire I saw a glimmer of light in the form of engagement then marriage. The feeling was so bright and felt so warm and good I thought I myself had died and been wrapped in Heavenly arms. 

The month of May would pass and the glimmer of light would dim; it would die a slow death in and of itself. I should have (maybe I did) know that this year wasn’t going to end well when the voles in my yard tore into my garden of flowers and destroyed them with what looked like hurricane force.

There went my Hollyhocks, my Zinnia, my Salvia of five years, my Bleeding Heart, my precious mums etc. etc.; the list goes on like Nebraska farmland. The bright side came to me when I thought, oh well there is always another year to come, but is there? I went on knowing my flowers were all dead for the season and I saw a little light in the beauty of a facebook friend who has an endless show of flowers; a smile, a glimmer of hope in this gloom.

Throughout the year my dad’s health was diminishing. By October he would be hospitalized and he would suffer a slow agonizing death. Again the guilt circled me like a vortex in the middle of the sea drawing me in and drowning me with no way out. I fought, I clawed and I searched breathless for a ray of hope. There was none to be found. 

Thanksgiving would come and I’d have to find a ray of light in the impending Christmas spirit, right? Wrong. The lighthouse of my life was gone; the pillar of strength that I looked to was out to sea sucked into the vortex. Left behind were fragments, souls and dread.

Last night when talking to my mother, she informed me that my uncle had three days to live. We cried as the rain pelted on the door and the winds rampantly blew. He had been battling cancer for years and it seemed licked two years ago when his ‘port’ was taken out and then it resurfaced with a vengeance. He is her sisters’ husband and as of today, 12-14-15 I got the dreaded phone call that I knew was coming…he died. Cancer is what sucked him into the vortex called death. Cancer is what will cling to my cousins and aunt around Christmas and for years to come. Cancer has eaten too many of my relatives. How do I fight such a dismal prognosis? Maybe with the only Light that I know; the only Light I trust to get me through these dampened darkened days?

Then there’s the celebratory feasts that we’re obligated to attend. We were invited to his mom’s house on Friday the 18th. We had to sadly decline because hubby has to work a long day, but we were guilted into going by his sister. You know how families have that guilt trip stuff down pat! Who cares that you’re mourning? Who cares that you’re not in the mood to celebrate? Who cares that you’re not as happy as everyone else? Point blank: NO ONE!

Maybe it is what I need, to be surrounded by a family that actually loves one another. Maybe I need to see people laughing and enjoying the season. Maybe I need to be a part of a Mother’s wish in seeing all her kids together. Maybe it isn’t about my whining and ME. Maybe the season is about LOVE and seeing others happy. 

Maybe I’M the Light that they need to see shining through overcast skies.

MAYBE… I need to take up drinking again. (That was me trying to joke my way through pain!)

May God Bless you ALL and may YOU be a light shining on for someone to see!

2 Sam. 23:4 “And he shall be as the light of the morning, when the sun riseth, even a morning without clouds; as the tender grass springing out of the earth by clear shining after rain.”

Blessings

Eph. 1:3 “Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, who hath blessed us with all spiritual blessings in heavenly places in Christ:”

Blessings

In the midst of grief, blessings arise. Can you imagine laughing and smiling less than five days after your father passed away? Believe it or not, I’ve even shed some happy tears along the way this week.

I have traveled down memory lane and clung to all the happier times and the dimmer days don’t even seem to be in my memory base. As I sit out here in the middle of nowhere, I find myself being a light in a tunnel where darkness might try to seep in.

Last week my brother was shying away from visiting my father all because of earlier disagreements with his brother and sister. I’m too far away to slap him upside the head but what I did say encouraged him so much that the next day he walked in the hospital, head up, and spent three hours with our mother, father and siblings. He came home and called me right away and thanked me.

The next day my father passed away. My brother again called me and thanked me. He said had I not told him what I told him he may have never had those last moments with my dad. There are blessings in death.

Last week on October 29^th when the news of my dad dying smacked me upside the head, I struggled with thoughts of not being there by his side. I went outside and looked at the night sky as tears leaked out of my eyes like a faucet. I talked to my dad and said how sorry I was for not being there, in that moment the brightest star I’ve ever seen fell from the sky. A smile replaced the streaming tears and I said, “Thank you, Dad.” That is why when I saw the shooting star dance across the sky the other night I called him a show off.

I imagined my dad, dancing across the sky in happiness that there would always be a way to communicate with me. He was happy, breathing easy and knowing not only would we all be okay but that my mother would be fine. He is dancing in the eternal sky and the heavens are now his home.

Many people, not just me, see their loved ones in one form of communication or the other. Some see them in fluttering birds who land in odd places and chirp or butterflies who show up at odd times of the day and land right in front of you or on your hand even, some see their loved one communicating in something as simple as a frog appearance where frogs/toads wouldn’t normally show up but deep inside they KNOW, it is their loved one communicating. They see what others don’t want to see and they acknowledge it as just what it is; they are blessings, communication from beyond.

Then there are different blessings like the one my mother received yesterday. As you can imagine she has the new worry of living alone and paying rent and bills. My mother paid her rent for November while my dad was in the hospital. My dad always took care of that stuff but he wasn’t home or able to at that time so my mother took charge. The landlord called her yesterday and announced that my mother had paid too much rent for November! Since my father passed on Oct. 29, and she would be living alone, her rent would be reduced by almost $400 dollars!!!

As you can imagine my mother cried her eyes out but finally in all the dismal weeks these were happy tears. She called me right away and told me, I then unleashed some of my own happy tears! It felt good that my tears were not for being sad but were comfort in knowing this blessing, and that’s just what it was, coming a day before my father was put to rest.

Blessings come in all shapes and sizes and each of us needs to be open to see the spiritual blessings that reside in every thing. Today, November fourth, my father’s funeral is taking place back home. I need to reflect and see what blessings come on this grim day.

Gen. 49:25 “Even by the God of thy father, who shall help thee; and by the Almighty, who shall bless thee with blessings of heaven above, blessings of the deep that lieth under, blessings of the breasts, and of the womb:”