Citizen Of Heaven

Philippians 1:29 “For unto you it is given in the behalf of Christ, not only to believe on him, but also to suffer for his sake;”

Citizens of Heaven

This morning as I was reflecting on my bible emails, something in one email jumped out at me, citizens of heaven. Long story short, we are basically citizens of heaven being immigrated to earth. What we portray to the world should be our heavenly realm residing in us but so many times along the route are people born of the earth and of the earth, they will return.

I have a friend who recently moved from one side of the United States to the other side of the U.S. Along the journey of moving he snapped beauty-filled pictures along the way to show everyone his daily travels. Basically, that is what happens to us after we’re born, we have mentally taken pictures along the growth route and display them for the world to see.

I have some friends who were raised by the mother and father love, some where only the mother was around, and some who were abandoned at birth and left in an orphanage. Some had seemingly perfect lives while others struggled to live. I have a bountiful of friends who’ve had a religious upbringing while others were made to fend for themselves in finding anything to do with God. 

I, as usual, was of the weird background. I went to a Catholic school, had a mother and father present, but was basically on my own in declaring any semblance of a heavenly citizenship. I came from a somewhat big family of six but as we grew we dispersed never really knowing what it meant to be bound to each other. We’re a family in name only. Funny how emptiness works; you’re raised in a full family where nothingness dwells and emptiness is the return deposit you get.

I see other families having ties that bound them as parents and siblings and often wonder what on earth did I miss? How did my travels go so awry? Why are the images that I snapped of the negative format and why didn’t they turn me into a negative person?

While some people might look at me now and think I’m Miss Perfect, I am as far from perfect as you can get. I am bruised and battered, shattered and broken just trying to glue some of the pieces back together so I can be rid of a disease that tries to eat me alive. I am excess baggage on the carousel of life.

I am still on a writing hiatus but occasionally I get the urge, like today, to just write out my feelings that will get me to the next leg of this journey. My snapshots are few because you can only take so many images of wind, cold and rain before realizing the breath of life is dealing you a gray bleak reality. I think spring is on hiatus too as it dished out a blizzard on April 18th with horrendous winds. The lack of sun, the absence of new life, the longing for any kind of outdoor activity has put a damper on my new year. A month into spring and all I see and feel is winter. I will not see anything remotely related to spring until June. 

No matter how hard I try to put a positive spin on my heavenly world, darkness creeps in trying to strangle what light I have left in me. Like a child tiptoeing down the stairs at Christmas; I’m always surprised by what is or isn’t under the tree. Snapshots become bitter memories. My journey isn’t a pretty bouquet of joy and happiness.

1 Chron. 29:15 “For we are strangers before thee, and sojourners, as were all our fathers: our days on the earth are as a shadow, and there is none abiding.”

I feel as though I’m a citizen of heaven with a temporary passport, dropped off at the airport with a sign saying ‘family’ and seeking out a family, any family that will say look there she is, let’s bring her home! The airport empties and I’m left sitting, sometimes playing on the baggage carousel just to get someone to notice that I’m still here with the sign in my hand. 

Someone comes and picks me up saying, “I can use a new piece of luggage.” And I’m carried off to a new home a new life, but still holding the sign. I must’ve stayed on the carousel too long because now I’m dizzy from going around and around. A kaleidoscope of images fans out but to the eye, they are jumbled gray clouds.

I live in a state where the majority of youngsters here are desperate to get away and move across the country carrying their baggage. They were born of the heavenly realm, raised mostly in the Bible Belt atmosphere and will show the world, the future, what shaped them. Some residents wanted to flee but instead stayed having nothing to show for their lives except a passive repetitious growth of snapshots hanging on the wall. Me? I was dropped off at the airport with a sign.

Some residents ventured away only to return because the big bad world out there was not all they expected it to be. Bon Bon's and cream puffs are a thing of the past. It’s as if we were taken from paradise and dropped off at the airport. Some had names of families that picked them up right away, while others were given a generic sign with hopes that someone would see them.

The projection of the heavenly realm escapes me as the pastures are covered in a somber tone of grayish-sage. The emotional baggage is heavy, carrying it around drags me down, and no one wants to be burdened by an orphan at the airport. While I may be a Citizen of Heaven, I’m a product of the earth.

Isa. 51:6 “Lift up your eyes to the heavens, and look upon the earth beneath: for the heavens shall vanish away like smoke, and the earth shall wax old like a garment, and they that dwell therein shall die in like manner: but my salvation shall be for ever, and my righteousness shall not be abolished.”

Holy Week - Strength in Scripture

Holy Week – Strength in Scripture 

Sorrow

With my illness I often find myself wallowing in sorrow. Sorrow for the lost, sorrow for what was and what is to come, physically and spiritually, literally and metaphorically.

Deut. 28:65 “And among these nations shalt thou find no ease, neither shall the sole of thy foot have rest: but the LORD shall give thee there a trembling heart, and failing of eyes, and sorrow of mind:”

Esther 9:22 “As the days wherein the Jews rested from their enemies, and the month which was turned unto them from sorrow to joy, and from mourning into a good day: that they should make them days of feasting and joy, and of sending portions one to another, and gifts to the poor.”

Job 6:10 “Then should I yet have comfort; yea, I would harden myself in sorrow: let him not spare; for I have not concealed the words of the Holy One.”

The Holy Spirit is my comforter during these trying days. As people hurry around buying their Easter Sunday dresses, scramble to have a feast for their family, sorrow fills my heart for those who struggle to have bread, for those who seek but do not listen. It is with sorrow my heart is heavy.

Job 17:7 “Mine eye also is dim by reason of sorrow, and all my members are as a shadow.”

Pss. 13:2 “How long shall I take counsel in my soul, having sorrow in my heart daily? how long shall mine enemy be exalted over me?”

Pss. 18:4 “The sorrows of death compassed me, and the floods of ungodly men made me afraid.”

Pss 39:2 “I was dumb with silence, I held my peace, even from good; and my sorrow was stirred.”

Pss. 69:29 “But I am poor and sorrowful: let thy salvation, O God, set me up on high.”

Pss 127:2 “It is vain for you to rise up early, to sit up late, to eat the bread of sorrows: for so he giveth his beloved sleep.”

I pray for my family to know the love in my heart for my heavenly Father and not to remember me for the sorrows that haunted me. I sleep eight hours a night of peaceful rest. May they know when eternal rest comes I’m not bearing sorrow but eternal peace will fill my being of light.

Prov.10:22 “The blessing of the LORD, it maketh rich, and he addeth no sorrow with it.”

Prov. 14:13 “Even in laughter the heart is sorrowful; and the end of that mirth is heaviness.”

Prov. 15:13 “A merry heart maketh a cheerful countenance: but by sorrow of the heart the spirit is broken.”

This verified illness is upon me as so many hidden illnesses encapsulate me. I cannot tackle one without the other and the sorrow from the heaviness overwhelms me at times with loneliness.

Ecc. 5:17 “All his days also he eateth in darkness, and he hath much sorrow and wrath with his sickness.”

Ecc.7:3 “Sorrow is better than laughter: for by the sadness of the countenance the heart is made better.”

Isa. 14:3 “And it shall come to pass in the day that the LORD shall give thee rest from thy sorrow, and from thy fear, and from the hard bondage wherein thou wast made to serve,”

Isa. 35:10 “And the ransomed of the LORD shall return, and come to Zion with songs and everlasting joy upon their heads: they shall obtain joy and gladness, and sorrow and sighing shall flee away.”

Dan. 10:16 “And, behold, one like the similitude of the sons of men touched my lips: then I opened my mouth, and spake, and said unto him that stood before me, O my lord, by the vision my sorrows are turned upon me, and I have retained no strength.”
I longingly give you the fruit of the Spirit as I’m guided. My Holy Week will conclude and my New Year will begin. Even if it is only I who acknowledges the New Year it is mine to begin anew. A new breath, a new day, a new flame to my fire!

Jer. 31:25 “For I have satiated the weary soul, and I have replenished every sorrowful soul.”

Hos. 8:10 “Yea, though they have hired among the nations, now will I gather them, and they shall sorrow a little for the burden of the king of princes.”

Matt. 24:8 “All these are the beginning of sorrows.”

I gave all I could give and have nothing more to present. His Word has wrapped around you and shown you the sorrows but the blind cannot see. I will not walk in the shadow of death, I will rise to see a New Year; a new day dawning. Man will taste sorrow.

Mark 13:8 “For nation shall rise against nation, and kingdom against kingdom: and there shall be earthquakes in divers places, and there shall be famines and troubles: these are the beginnings of sorrows.”

John 16:22 “And ye now therefore have sorrow: but I will see you again, and your heart shall rejoice, and your joy no man taketh from you.”

2 Cor. 2:3 “And I wrote this same unto you, lest, when I came, I should have sorrow from them of whom I ought to rejoice; having confidence in you all, that my joy is the joy of you all.”

Rev. 21:4 “And God shall wipe away all tears from their eyes; and there shall be no more death, neither sorrow, nor crying, neither shall there be any more pain: for the former things are passed away.”

May the Grace and Glory of God

be with you all

All Glory to God

1 Cor. 10:31 “Whether therefore ye eat, or drink, or whatsoever ye do, do all to the Glory of God.”

All Glory to God

Have you ever had one of those days where you woke to a crisp cold morning and felt like just staying nestled under the covers a while longer in the warmth of your bed? Yeah, I think we all have those kinds of days, and more times than not we have to force ourselves into the cold because of work, school, whatever, we wake and go. 

My job these days is giving Glory to God. That’s not a job, you might say but if you knew the pain I was in this past couple of weeks, you’d admit, it’s one chore that you wouldn’t look forward to for sure. I wake and am like a stick pretzel, very stiff from a long night of sleep. I’m prompted to wake, I force myself out of bed and begin my day, all for the Glory of God.

I cannot abandon the job He’s set aside just for me. I’m sure He has others doing jobs for Him but we are unique in our own way. I use my talent to glorify Him in any way I can whether poetry or a post guided by Him. It’s a unique job, but one I never in any way felt capable of doing. But when people say they get it! That the message spoke to THEM, it is at that time I feel my work is for a solid purpose.

I imagine all of the significant people (and some who seem non-significant) all felt the same exact way. Here they were living life, loving God and God stopped them short of continuing and asked them to do something major for Him. How much are we unlike the very people in the Bible?

I believe we’re all like at least one person in the Bible and that is the reason why the book resonates with us, we see ourselves in Esther, Sara, Ruth, Job, Paul or Peter. The list of people in the bible is very long. Is there someone in the Bible you connect with and after reading stand there thinking, 'that is me’? What has God called you, in this generation to do for others?

I was strolling along in life feeling like Mary Magdalene, the repentant prostitute who sat at Jesus’ feet, who sat below Him as He was hung on the cross, then at other times I connect with Job on many levels of feeling worthy and loved, but then discouraged only to find the love of God again and that I fit into His plan after all. 

How many of you sitting there reading this don’t feel worthy enough to put yourself in the shoes of a person in the Bible? So many of us don’t feel worthy to kiss the ground Jesus walked on; we feel like the onlooker watching as Jesus carried the cross or the person sitting at home going on with their daily chores as such a commotion as the hanging of an innocent man went on ‘up the road’.

Me, when I’m feeling unworthy and down I try with everything I have to connect with just one person in the Bible. This is the only way I can find a connection to this world and not as an alien on my home planet. 

The other night we watched the children’s movie Inside Out. I relate to that movie on many levels although it was targeted to be a children’s movie. Who did I relate to? Joy, sadness, fear, anger, or disgust? Every character was a portion of the main character’s personality. Riley’s family had moved her away from her familiarity into a big city of unknown. She feared, she was angry and mad and we had to witness all the worlds in her personality shatter and fall apart. In the end, we learned that we can’t have joy without the pain of sadness.

In the simplest form, that is what the Holy Bible is all about, finding joy through the pain; finding the light at the end of the tunnel. While I often feel alone and alienated in this world, I can at any moment pick up the Bible and relate to one (if not many) people in the bible. I wake in the morning and God is my first ‘go to being’ so I can begin my day. It is the only time I don’t feel so alone.

As I look out at the broken world and pieces of the puzzle are scattered on the floor I try extremely hard to find a fitting puzzle piece. Where do I fit in? How can I accomplish all that God has set out before me? How do I make a picture out of nothingness?

For three, almost four weeks now, I have woke in the morning and grabbed my cane to walk. I’ve led you down my path where I unknowingly fell off protocol and struggled to get back up again. Something happened this week. On the seventh of March, my mother-in-law wrote me an email and asked how I was doing. Did she really want to know or was she just being like everyone else and asking because she didn’t know how to approach me?

I had to wait two days to respond because at the time the email came in I was bitter and angry and not willing to lash out at her, I had to stop and think. On the ninth, I wrote her a letter and told her the truth. I explained going off protocol and eating wheat bread had nearly destroyed me and how my severe pain had returned.

A week passed before I received a response. My sister-in-law was visiting her from Arizona with her two kids and my m-i-l was busy with catering to them I imagine and more than likely didn’t turn her computer on one time. It was during that week that satan knocked on my door with his lovely doubt and fear message. 

“She doesn’t care about you, she’s too busy to be bothered with you. People have lives unlike yourself. No one cares about your pain!”

Yessiree, for an entire pain-filled, cane-embracing week, he was walking around my house like he owned it. I had weakened.

Sister-in-law went home on the sixteenth and poof like a magical leprechaun spun his little hand and poked his head in (I’m kidding here) my m-i-l sent me an email on the seventeenth. She said she was glad that I was so honest with my pain because now she knew where to target her prayers for me. I honestly was thinking ‘yeah right’ as satan was still here wandering around the cold gloomy days. I didn’t write back as I was still harboring resentment of her week of no response.

Sunday morning came, I reached for my cane to get out of bed. I woke, I walked but didn’t feel the need for it. Again, I was thinking, yeah right, I’ll need it in a bit, after my shower I bet. Guess what? It is Wednesday and I haven’t used my cane this week. Oh, I grab it because I’m not totally surrendering as I should be, but today, I feel like satan has packed his bags and is now huffing and puffing because once again he realized THERE IS POWER IN PRAYER!

Moral of the story? We might all feel like Thomas, doubting the power of God, second-guessing our purpose because of the pain we’re in but rest assured my friend, God has YOU in His hands even when satan thinks he is gaining ground. Our God is BIGGER and more powerful, and PRAYER HEALS! Through the pain, I give ALL GLORY TO GOD! On a dusty traveled road, I see Light at the end of the tunnel! I feel joy in the midst of my sorrow. 

Matt. 5:16 KJV “Let your light so shine before men, that they may see your good works, and glorify your Father which is in heaven.”

Season of Depression

Gen. 26:30 “And he made them a feast, and they did eat and drink.”

The Season of Depression

The holidays are slowly creeping into the next two months, rendering many people depressed, more depressed than what they normally experience throughout the year. Thanksgiving and Christmas are supposed to be times of celebrations, times with family and houses filled with aromas of turkey, ham, apple pies and often, pumpkin pies. Imagine what its like for people who have no family, or who lost their family it can be one of the most suicidal depressing times of the year. Imagine the season as someone with an illness that renders them vegetarian (omnivore) surrounded by carnivorous beasts! 

On October 27 I marked my ninth month since this diagnosis that turned my world upside down. While I’ve always been a grateful person I find it hard to be grateful living with this disease that changed my world while everyone else around me basically stays the same. The 29th of October marked two years since my father’s passing and well, I found myself hurting when I didn’t need to be. I know he’s in a better place but I was hurting more for myself as his death took on the role of permanency. The first year, you mourn more for your mom and her pains but the second year you allow yourself to mourn your pain over the loss.

Then November sprung into action and that means family time. My family is all back home preparing or mourning in their own way not even giving me a second thought, so that hurts somewhat. Then there are the celebrations going on here where I live now, the place I’ve called home for almost nine years now. How I, the girl from the wrong side of the tracks, who rode the dysfunction junction her whole life, winded up with what I deem the Walton clan, the most perfect family in my eyes!

Yes, I know no family is perfect and yes this family has its hidden flaws but one thing they are, a family and everything that those families in the Rockwell paintings portray, get-togethers, gatherings, food, more food, love, and laughter. Although in my eyes, this family is short on the laughter. They do try but it comes off as mechanical and not real. Imagine Joni, always the laugh-a-thon-go-to-gal being plopped right into this more serious than normal family. Just imagine the challenges I have to face! (giggle giggle)

I’ve had to adjust my sails, so to speak, over the years to fit into this quiet, laid-back family. This year as you can imagine has been one of my most challenging years yet as the family has questions about my illness, about my decision in healing this disease, a decision they may or may not agree or approve of, I don’t know, it’s hard to read passive indecisive people.

Here’s an example, a couple of weeks ago my son gets a PM from his aunt (by marriage). It was a group private message asking the kids (fully grown kids with jobs) to take the day off  of work on November 5th so she could get a family photo session because a brother was coming in from Arizona with his wife and three kids and she thought it was a good idea and was making plans in advance.

My husband and I heard of this get-together at his moms a week ago, when she said she hoped we could make it to the gathering and that she’d ‘make me fruit’ non-organic, she retorted. I said I would try since I have good days and bad days, I never know how I’ll feel. 
“Well they’ll be here all week,” she offered, “but I hope you can really make it for the family get together.”
You see there? That is pressure (stress) I don’t ask for but it is slung at me anyway. I’m NOT a passive person and I’m like no! But his Walton family assumes we want to be a part of the happy, happy, love, joy event. And actually, my husband DOES want to see his brother he never gets to see (understandably so) and I, the good wife will support my husband with whatever he decides. Is passivity rubbing off on me? EGADS!

Needless to say, this year, I haven’t looked forward to these events but more times than not, I over think the situation and all turns out fine. Yeah, I wind up with unnecessary stress. But hey, it’s just me, the in-law. Believe it or not, these get-togethers only make me miss my family back home more, and the stress rises because I know that is not feasible. Visiting back home will not happen in my lifetime and what would I return to, a non-caring group of people I knew my whole life? Yeah, it’s not worth the stress.

So we’re back to the depression season. I’m grateful I landed in a loving family that actually knows what the term means. I’m grateful I get to celebrate another Christmas with these folks even if it is for food, food that I will have to watch them shovel in their mouths as I sit away from them trying to act like I’m enjoying myself. I have mixed emotions about this Sunday's event also when the family convenes.

In nine months I have aged ten years and appear very thin and gaunt. I don’t WANT my picture taken but as much as this family is about food and get-togethers, they’re about pictures, hundreds of pictures, not one or two. I don’t look forward to Sunday, and they’ll say they never knew, but Monday morning I’ll write and tell you how well it went, and so begins the Season of Depression.

Isa. 1:14 “Your new moons and your appointed feasts my soul hateth: they are a trouble unto me; I am weary to bear them.”

Stress and the Net

Psalm 124:2-5 (NIV) “If the LORD had not been on our side when men attacked us, when their anger flared against us, they would have swallowed us alive; the flood would have engulfed us, the torrent would have swept over us, the raging waters would have swept us away.”

Stress… and the net

There’s a little too much stress going around the internet these days, stress I can not tolerate at this time. I really try to put a handle on it, but in the state of this disease that’s ravishing my cells, I need to control what stress I allow in and what stress I contribute to.

I’ve always been intrigued by weather so when Harvey was headed for Galveston Texas, I kept up to date on when it would hit, where exactly it would hit and the damage. I take devastation very seriously and deaths are nothing to joke about. 

After Harvey pummeled Houston, I began to watch a couple more storms snaking their way through the waters. The jokes from people not directly affected by the storms kind of took a sick and twisted turn. I think damaging a soul for the sake of a laugh is not of good character. You might find it funny and humorous that people are losing not only their lives but also many have lost their homes, their livelihoods. I don’t find it humorous, I’m sickened and saddened by the childish acts of supposed adults.

I didn’t retreat from the social media world when I should have because that is where the majority of my friends reside. I like to read and see what everyone is up to and I also like to be informed about the BC group and what is going on in the lives of other newly diagnosed patients trying this here alternative method. I aim to help but I realize that I’m not as well informed as I thought. Well for me, I am as informed as I’m going to get for now. Apparently, my first month of this crud I inundated my system with some great information.

I look to aid others in this quest but more times than not my words and assistance are shot down by those who know more than I know. I think also because I’m not needy, I’m informative and that threatens people sometimes. You see, every crud is different so what works for me might not work for them and vice versa, what works for them might not work for me. If I try to contradict what they’re saying I feel badgered so I pull myself away and into isolation I go. I sit back and listen but then the overload of information gets jumbled. I’m done trying to dissect all the information as it comes into view. I slowly back away.

Then another hurricane, Irma, took aim after devastating the Virgin Islands in the Caribbean then the beast set its sights on the U.S.! Trees and homes were chomped away like fried chicken and taters as the monstrous hurricane chewed its way through not only trees and homes but also lives. Irma was now setting her sights on Florida, another state with friends of mine. I can tell you, they were not the ones making jokes before or after.

After I made sure my friends were all okay, I chose to step back and take a breather. Away from the word cancer, away from people, away from drama, away from the stress drama causes, away from ignorance and hate and just isolate me and build strength in the Word!

While I can’t do much more than pray for the victims of the hurricane's devastation, my prayers will have to be a sufficient enough form of caring for those who’ve lost so much. While it does take the focus off of me, it hurts me to read and listen to the tragedy everyone has had forced upon them. While my heart bleeds for all involved, I feel selfish in caring for myself. I’m battling a deadly disease, these people are battling a tragedy also but at least they’re alive, for now so am I.

And to those who find humor in this devastation, I pray for them and their lost souls. Next thing you know they’ll be joking about cancer, oh no wait, that more than likely has touched their lives so no, they won’t joke about that. Our world is being consumed by its own form of cancer and while I like laughter as much as the next person, death and devastation are not the place and time to find humor.

Hebrews 13:5b, “For God has said, ‘I will never fail you. I will never abandon you.’”(NLT)

The Gamut Of Emotions

An Icy Morning

Jer. 9:23-24 (ESV) “Thus says the LORD: ‘Let not the wise man boast in his wisdom, let not the mighty man boast in his might, let not the rich man boast in his riches, but let him who boasts boast in this, that he understands and knows me, that I am the LORD who practices steadfast love, justice, and righteousness in the earth. For in these things I delight, declares the LORD.’” 

The Gamut Of Emotions

After last Wednesday’s diagnosis I have been put through the mill of emotions; sorrow, pain, sadness, fear, grief, and believe it or not faith, hope, and joy. Now I feel like I’m being hit with a new emotion for the day, denial and off in the distance I can see anger galloping toward me. 

"No, it can’t be! They’re wrong. Wait for the test results. Doctors who know what to look for and feel for CAN be wrong, it’s rarer than the cancer you’ve been diagnosed with, but it does happen. Miracles happen too." < -- That's my mind talking. 

If you just thought to yourself after reading ‘Miracles happen’, “Yeah, she’s in denial.” Go away! Get very far away from me and leave me to believe all that I’ve believed and have already lived through and experienced in my life! MIRACLES DO HAPPEN!

You don’t think it strange that people of no faith haven’t experienced a miracle in their life? They’re the ones who allow doctors to be the last word, they allow doctors to be their miracle cure. Yeah, I’m not about to put my faith in man. You see the world today? It’s because people, millions of people have put their faith and trust in their fellow man! Don’t misunderstand me please, I believe Doctor’s serve a purpose, but I believe only YOU know what’s best for your body and they should work WITH you so you both have the same vision as to where to go in treating you.

You know where the miracles come from? Emptying your reliance on man and placing your faith and hope in a God who created the very disease/injury or illness you are struggling to rid your body of!

Here’s what I’m reading, from a friend who is on the same page as me in seeing HOPE; and it has only been because I see HOPE, not a death sentence that man wants me to see. Surrounded by survivors, I see HOPE.

Article Summary by A Von Butz.

*From the conventional medical perspective, cancer is a disease that for all intents and purposes is just as untreatable today as it was 40 years ago.

*Cytotoxic chemotherapy chemicals destroy both good and bad cells leaving aggressive cancer cells behind and leaving patients prone to more cancer.

*Radiation treatments are increasingly being shown to trigger secondary cancers in patients within years after administration.

*We rarely hear about patients actually being cured from cancer when opting for chemotherapy and radiation. At best, these treatments might help extend a person’s lifespan by a few weeks, months, and sometimes years − usually with serious side effects and greatly reduced quality of life. At worst, such treatments kill patients more quickly than if they had chosen not to undergo them at all.

*There’s no money to be made in telling you how to avoid cancer in the first place. The “bread and butter” of the cancer industry is unleashing the next, latest-and-greatest cancer drug.

Think about that. “There’s no money to be made,” in a nutshell, every illness and disease can be prevented and cured but the ones making the money on your illness and disease are NOT going to tell you about it. They’ll pump you with drugs and radiation before they tell you of the holistic treatments that are in testing stages. They’ll say, “Oh it’s very expensive,” but what they mean to say is, “My colleagues don’t make one dime on holistic therapy.”

Prayer results in promise! I believe in the power of prayer and as a witness of the way it effects me, just this Sunday I woke after what I believe, hundreds upon hundreds of people are praying for me. Not just in this country, in other countries as well. Not just of the Christian faith either, many faiths (even atheists and non-believers, mind you) are all sending their thoughts, their prayers, their positive energy toward ME! I woke and felt rested. I didn’t want to cry, I wanted to go out, look at cows, look at the landscape, breathe in the farm air. (Yes, if you know what a farm smells like, I WANTED to inhale the aroma!)

Most of my mind is a blur. I’ve been doing so much reading about cancer my brain hurts. I AM optimistic, that’s the good thing but I’m hoping my doctor’s share the same optimism and deliver to me a shared treatment plan that I can get behind. What I don’t want is someone telling me that THIS (cut you open, dispose of tissue, and radiate) is the only option. I want to hear what is out there and being tried and tested, I want to be the face of the cure not the face of the disease. I DON'T want to be microwaved!

Now keep in mind, I have never been operated on in my life, not even a tonsillectomy. I’ve never broken a bone or been in a cast. I’ve kind of sailed through life uninjured until I hit forty-seven and was hit with arthritis and severe gum disease. Now at fifty, I am being hit with breast cancer? Boy, God must see a strong little soldier in me all geared up and ready to go into battle and ready to FIGHT tooth and nail for a promising outcome! 

But through it all, I prayed. I steadfastly prayed and God has either answered immediately or made me patiently wait but rest assured, He has never let me down once! Now if He’ll just step in and let the Doctor’s know and understand that He’s in control and He’s got this and guide them to an informed treatment based on knowledge, not MONEY! I do truly believe from the very General Practitioner to the breast specialist to the timing of all of the appointments, God is here working His plan. Now just let me accept His plan. 

2 Cor. 12: 9 (KJV) “And he said unto me, My grace is sufficient for thee: for my strength is made perfect in weakness. Most gladly therefore will I rather glory in my infirmities, that the power of Christ may rest upon me.”

The Tests - Be Strong

2 Corinthians 1:3-4  “Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of mercies and God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our affliction so that we will be able to comfort those who are in any affliction with the comfort with which we ourselves are comforted by God.”

The Tests

As the nurse wheeled me over to the other side of the hospital to await the trials of the day, tears flowed as people passed. Tissues placed throughout the hospital were grabbed along the way. Faces flew by in a collage then a whirling kaleidoscope fashion. 

I had papers to fill out, my husband handled questions to be answered mostly because words got caught up in my throat and wouldn’t come out. The nice lady took one look at me with tears rimming her eyes before sending me on my way with the comforting words, “I’ve been right where you are today, be strong,” These words were going to be the most frequent words heard for the next year to come. 

Mammogram first – I have to say I think I landed in an Angelic domain of hospital workers because every single person who cared for me had a glowing beauty about them. The first one being, Shantay (I think that’s spelled right) I won’t put too many names out here but that was the most beautiful name and the bubbly blonde connected to that name filled me with laughter on one of my darkest days. 

You would have never known that I was just told I have cancer or that I was about to experience a squishing-squashing ceremony of the boob. I told her, “If I can’t laugh, I’ve got nothing to hold onto.” She agreed and we continued with our out of the ordinary sense of humor. 

For example, the door she wheeled me through had big taped up cracks and I told her, “You did that didn’t you? You just wheeled someone into the glass and cracked it!” She replied, “I’m a dangerous driver.” Chuckle. 

I was handed a smock? Dressing to cover ‘my girls’ but as she noted I would be needing to change again and again and that I should just leave it on. As we were wheeling to the next session of ‘boob academy’, she noted, “Are your girls in?” 
“Well no, I just wanna flash everyone I pass! After this experience, I think I’ve earned that right.” More giggles and laughter. My tears were drying, my nose tender from all the rubbing; my head was pounding from no food, no water and the whirling of the room and tests. She had to part but didn’t leave without the comforting words ‘stay strong’ tear-rimmed eyes, and a gentle touch of the hand, “I wish I could go with you.” Bonding words if I ever heard. 

Onto the c-t scan – The nurse who came to wheel me into the c-t room was another angelic beauty. With piercing blue eyes and wavy black hair, she introduced herself and handed me off to ‘the table’ where a Mr. Clean looking man stood awaiting me to get on the bed. Haha, not a funny thought there, is it?

The Zooey Deschanel look-alike saw that I was already dressed for the occasion (the left-over smock from the squishy room), and asked if my ‘girls’ were in and well… in Joni fashion, I said, “No, I’m in a flashing mood today.” Mr. Clean chuckled and said, “Well I need to take pictures.” He thought about what he said and said “No, not like that, hahaha” He went on to poke me with an IV which would be used for a fluid to run through my veins and, his words, ‘make me feel like I wet myself’. As if I didn’t feel that way already before we met. 

I was sent through a Stargate portal and as I looked at a blinking light, right beneath it said, ‘Do Not Stare at the blinking light.’ Too late, I’m in a fog, I’m flashing people and I don’t even care at this point. “Be strong,” Mr. Clean said as I finished up with the portal and I was slowly taken away and wheeled over to the next leg of the journey, the pre-op!

The doctor who would perform ‘the surgery’ they called it (it was really just a 16 gage needle being stuck into my ‘girl’), looked a little like Kevin James. He was a jovial dark-haired man with soft hands and very capable of the duty set before him. He comforted my husband and I and we were told how routine this procedure has become. 

I had never experienced such a wonderful group of teammates. Sure being in this profession you need a spot on personality and caring compassionate ways but they handled me as if I was the Queen of England and treated me with kid gloves in every aspect of this journey. My longest waiting time was in the pre-op stage because as you can imagine, this process is apparently routine and the doc was working on someone else as I waited. 

His soft voice talked me through every step and while I was laying in an uncomfortable position (due to my arthritic pain) I lay still as David Crowder music played in the background gently lulling me to a safe comfort zone as my breast was being poked. BillyBob (male anesthesiologist) had asked what kind of music I like and no hesitation went into proclaiming my Christianity. David Crowder and Kari Jobi I said, and the young lady at the sonogram machine smiled, BillyBob said it was a nice upbeat sound.

BillyBob had asked if a young lady could come in and observe the process since she is in training. I said, “Sure, the more the merrier!” My sense of humor was kicking into overdrive. This is when we waited for ‘the surgeon’.

As I lay a foot from the sonogram screen with my left arm over my head, I gazed at the huge lump with sadness. I just stared and then said something… “Is this like the sonogram they give to look at babies?” The doctor in all seriousness said, “Yes, that’s exactly it!” I said in a deadpan rye way, “Is that my baby?” I could see his face turn blistering red as to hold back an outburst of laughter. “Is it a boy or a girl?” I asked. He calmly offered, “We should know by Tuesday.”

He went on to clean me up, gave me the pat on the back and I finally hear, “Good job! You did great! I have some really good samples here and now onto the hardest part, the wait.” 

All of their faces screamed ‘poor girl’ but I wouldn’t allow the down faces to carry me or them through the rest of the day, I went on to say, “I’m hungry! I haven’t eaten all day, no water and I’ve been up since 3 a.m.”
The doctor said, “You deserve to go and eat something.”

I giggled, “Chili from Wendy’s?”

He offered, “You earned two!”

“Tell my husband?” a little chuckle came out and a tear passed my cheek.

The observing girl offered, “You should get a Frostee, too!” I laughed. “Yeah, you both need to tell my husband that!

They both wheeled me back to the pre-op station/cubby hole and announced that I did really well to my husband. “And?” I said. “And she earned two chili’s from Wendy’s.” And the observer piped in “And a Frostee.” Hubby laughed and shook his head. This has to be hard on him too, I thought.

Thirty minutes later after a jello, water, IV removal, and BP checked as well as my temperature, (and a long awaited pee!) Then we were sent on our way into the blustery cold and blowing snow filled day. Wendy’s (drive-thru), home, then reality to deal with all that happened on this much eventful, test and tear filled day. In that order. 

Fear of Rejection

Pss, 40:3 "And he hath put a new song in my mouth, even praise unto our God: many shall see it, and fear, and shall trust in the LORD."

Fear of Rejection

Since I was a child, I’ve always had the fear of rejection. It started when I was young being rejected by the first crush I had and every school aged crush thereafter until I finally settled at fifteen for the only guy that showed ANY interest in little old Bony Joni! 

Let me say first and foremost that God has NEVER rejected me from the day I was born until now, He has NEVER rejected me hence the reason for my lifelong dedication and commitment to Him. He has and will NEVER let me down. Not that he hasn’t told me that ‘now is the time to wait, or the time to be patient, or even not now!’ But He has always been my one and only constant in my life that never lets me down or rejects me in anyway.

With that said, I fear rejection. I give my everything to God but that does not stop rejection from happening to me over and over and as a writer fear of rejection should be the norm, it happens to the best of writers! It’s how we deal with it that matters. 

Okay with that said I have to say this too, I miss blogging! Writing my blog is sharing me with you and how I deal with things. If I don’t share, then the words all play scrabble in my brain trying to compartmentalize them and could very possibly keep me awake at night if I stop blogging completely. I’m wondering if that is what insomniacs suffer from, not getting their words OUT so they jumble all that is going on in their day to day life in a brainsoup that keeps them awake at night. 

I’ve never had trouble sleeping so I’m wondering if my writing is what has kept insomnia away from MY doorstep. Dealing with health crisis after health crisis should keep me awake at night but my faith that the Lord will carry me through any fire I walk through settles my mind quite a bit. 

Before I divulge my ‘new’ health scare, let me first say I have no health insurance, I have no money and I HAVE been rejected so many times for Medicaid, health coverage, anything, that I just walk this path day in and day out with the Lord and I’m certain that this is leading up to my next year’s blogging posts, my journey and my survival. Please, do NOT say, “I should do this, or I should do that.” I HAVE exhausted all avenues and here is where I am. My husband applied for medical coverage for me, and it takes time for it to ‘activate’. Yes, it will cost but this was what he wanted to do. January first I can make my first appointment (I think) to see just what is the matter. He’s also applied for medicare disability for me, but I KNOW I will be rejected from that too. I think he took action because 1) he’s seen all of the rejection, 2) he’s smarter than me, and 3) he might be a little scared. 

I waited until after Christmas to post this so I knew you’d all have a Happy Holiday. Not that you’d stress over my health crisis and me but I know some of you might because that is who you are, you love me! Being a woman you’ll relate, you’ll be concerned and you’ll want to see me through this with compassion, love and of course, prayer! And I’m certain I will need all of that to get me through each day.

Just what exactly am I babbling on and on about? Here goes… the ever dreaded lump! Yup, you know that lump you feel during a shower and you think , “Hmm… this is new.” You kind of forget about it and try to wish it away but it is there and it is growing and you then start to think, “Hmm… this isn’t normal at all.” That’s where I’m at. Then, what’s the next thing you do? Google of course because you know, it has all the answers and they’re usually dire and when you get checked out it was not as serious as you thought? 

Well let me tell you, my google search did not bring up anything dire and in some ways it was a comfort knowing but then again it scared me because google is always wrong! Yeah, I laugh and joke during a crisis! Smile with me people!

It doesn’t sound like the ‘C’ word that everyone is afraid of, it sounds more like the ‘c’ word that makes you go, “ewww, I got one of those and it needs draining?” In other words it sounds more like a cyst than it does cancer but it needs to be seen, touched, poked, prodded and looked at by a professional (other than google) to be sure that all is well with my already falling apart body. 

There I said it and I feel better already!

Another Year (poem)

Psalms 116:8 “For thou hast delivered my soul from death, mine eyes from tears, and my feet from falling.”

Another Year…

Another year has passed us by

We’re told to laugh and never cry

Sometimes our eyes don’t know why

A tear rolls down our cheek.

Another year has come and gone

Often struggle to face the dawn

Too many days I just hold on

A tear leaks from my eye.

Another year with all I’ve lost

My family torn it’s what it cost

Memories of the miles I crossed

The tears they never stop.

Another year with Christmas day

Without you here the price I pay

Our lives enhanced is what I say

The tears begin to stop.

Another year in which I fight

To know if what I did was right

And when I see the star filled night

The tears all wash away.

A note from the author:

For forty years I've written my mother and father birthday and holiday cards. This is one to my mother this Christmas. After my dad passed away last year, the tears flow more easily but I am healing, my mother, not so much, she's lost the love of her life and no words, (not even my poems) can take the pain away. 

Think of people who are alone this Christmas without their lifelong spouses, or lost children. 

Christmas is NOT a MERRY time for ALL. 

God Bless one and all!

The Legion Puzzle

James 1:21 (NIV) “Therefore, get rid of all moral filth and the evil that is so prevalent and humbly accept the word planted in you, which can save you.”

This past weekend we the people saw what the people of this world are capable of these days. A young up and coming singer/active YouTuber became a victim of violence and her vicious death was overshadowed on Sunday when a mad man went into a nightclub and opened fire killing and maiming as the bullets swept the floor. 

The pieces of the puzzle are falling into place and I, out here in my own little world, am not oblivious to what is going on in the world, I’m saddened by it. I remember a time when we safely walked the darkened streets, listened and respected our parents, and enjoyed life as we knew it to be. Today, we walk the streets with hidden weapons in our purse, mace attached to our hip and extra locks on our door because of fear and hate.

Fear and hate rule the world and don’t you for one minute think politicians in any country rule. Religion does not rule, love knows not where to live, and a legion of darkness is swelling across the world in record heights ready to make this world an afterthought.

Mark 5:9 “And he asked him, What is thy name? And he answered, saying, My name is Legion: for we are many.”

Are you a piece of the Legion puzzle? Do you wake finding yourself so full of rage and hate that the only way to release the hatred is to go and share asinine posts with others so they can mount their hate also?

The media throws fresh animosity on the fire by fanning the flames with whichever political party they’re affiliated with and those from the opposite side eat smores around the flame just waiting to spew new fire among the masses. A vicious cycle that can be annihilated through the power of love and prayer but people are too smothered with the Social Media scene, lies and hate that they can’t get out of the stronghold that their addiction to media-spew holds on them.

I sometimes fear that people are addicted to hate. They wake in the morning and just like their coffee they need to drink in the hate to see what mean hurtful things are out there that they can put their spin on and feed their fellow [virtual] friends. They thrive on hostile illusions with clenched fist. The world is consumed with filling themselves to the brim with hate so much so the days are darkened in every part of the world. 

I know exactly what Jesus felt like when he tried to spread love and the people laughed and scoffed, mocking Him at every turn, willingly hanging Him on the cross to die. I am the outcast that everyone laughs at because I want to share love. I’m the one not liked for not being a part of the Legion of evil hate-mongers of the world. I will not swim with the fish that are so full of bitterness that it’s getting very difficult swimming against the malignant flow.

Not many are willing to stand up for love and positivity because they’re too busy swimming in venom. They are the cancer of our society and are a part of what is destroying the world. It’s kind of ironic that people are willing to ‘share’ the scripture and follow it up with the evil angst that has a grip on them through their malicious rants. Don’t they see that THEY are part of the problem?

The more and more people that feed off what the media spoon-feeds you, you are then becoming filled with their agenda filled animosity. You are not your own person, you’re a sheep being led into slaughter and you don’t try and fight, you just join in and sling mud with them [the media] hoping you look good but you look as demented as them, you have willingly become a part of the Legion Puzzle! 

You are the darkness that hides the Light. You are the evil that permeates the soul of the human species spreading like a wildfire out of control and all that is left is the singed embers that once were known as love.

God is gone. God is dead. He isn’t alive in the many, He is alive in a few and that is why the world will come to an abrupt ending because you didn’t care. Your anger and hatred was more important than your salvation. Millions share your ill will and like lava, the moving flow will destroy all it comes in contact with.

I’m alone. I sit and watch the flames of demons lick the faces of people I once loved and devour them. I watch as the world is pulled into the sweaty palm of satan and squeezed for their very last breath of pure air that they can no longer taste. I look and see people being chewed and spit out of the black teeth that have bit them and left a mark on their soul. Ravaged is the human race that has become victims of the beast. You are now a piece of the Legion Puzzle fitting in nicely where satan would have you placed.

Awake you sleeping nation!

Rev. 6: [1] And I saw when the Lamb opened one of the seals, and I heard, as it were the noise of thunder, one of the four beasts saying, Come and see.
[2] And I saw, and behold a white horse: and he that sat on him had a bow; and a crown was given unto him: and he went forth conquering, and to conquer.
[3] And when he had opened the second seal, I heard the second beast say, Come and see.
[4] And there went out another horse that was red: and power was given to him that sat thereon to take peace from the earth, and that they should kill one another: and there was given unto him a great sword.
[5] And when he had opened the third seal, I heard the third beast say, Come and see. And I beheld, and lo a black horse; and he that sat on him had a pair of balances in his hand.
[6] And I heard a voice in the midst of the four beasts say, A measure of wheat for a penny, and three measures of barley for a penny; and see thou hurt not the oil and the wine.
[7] And when he had opened the fourth seal, I heard the voice of the fourth beast say, Come and see.
[8] And I looked, and behold a pale horse: and his name that sat on him was Death, and Hell followed with him. And power was given unto them over the fourth part of the earth, to kill with sword, and with hunger, and with death, and with the beasts of the earth.
[9] And when he had opened the fifth seal, I saw under the altar the souls of them that were slain for the word of God, and for the testimony which they held:
[10] And they cried with a loud voice, saying, How long, O Lord, holy and true, dost thou not judge and avenge our blood on them that dwell on the earth?

Shine

Job 3:4 “Let that day be darkness; let not God regard it from above, neither let the light shine upon it.”

Shine

This little light of mine, I’m gonna let it shine!

This is my decision as I head into a new year; I’m going to shine! The light in me shined a little in 2015 but I could feel it being dimmed. Saturated by circumstances my light was fading as the year was closing. I could feel the tug of war going on inside my soul and as I grabbed tightly to the light within my spirit, I felt it had diminished from a thick rope of strength to a small thread of nary any hope hanging out there in the darkness that I had a hard time holding onto.

The year began with a death (1-25), then yet another death (10-29) and is now being led out in chains with a death (12-14). Not a great year by any means. My candle had burned out, no more wax and no more wick to keep it going and I fizzled. It was as if someone came with wet fingertips and just doused the light that was left in me shining. By years end, I could shine no more. I felt like a deflated water balloon left over by kids of summer just lying in the grass. 

My Christmas day was spent with family and it was really the first time I had spoken about the tragedies of the year with someone other than my mother and my husband. I kind of felt good not just writing about it but also vocalizing about my dad, my aunt, and my uncle. When I woke up on the 26th of December I felt a small burning inside of me, a sensation of a new torch being lit by the match within.

I sat and wrote and by Monday the 28th my candle was fully lit, the flame burning high and a new sense of peace washing over me as if I had been reborn and given a second chance on life. The year of gloom that had hung over my head like a wet napkin was slowly falling apart and diminishing into nothing. I realized I had a light that NEEDED to shine, just a few more days.

Writing took a backseat as I wallowed in self-pity. Not that I had writers block or anything, I just didn’t feel like writing and when I did, none of it made much sense. This year I have had the least amount of posts in my blogging history! Well, no wonder my light was dim! Me without writing is like a baby without their security blanket. It left me feeling all whiney inside (sometimes outside)! 

Well let me tell you, my mother sent me one of the warmest blankets I’ve had in years. A security replacement? A warmth more penetrating than a roaring fire! Whatever it is, I feel like I’m coming back from a year long holiday, one that I didn’t take by choice, it was one that life threw at me, forced me into and asked me to just deal!

As the worst year of my life wraps up, I’m looking ahead and seeing a light shining in the not too far off distance, it’s quite close and appetizing to say the least. This little light of mine? I’m gonna let it shine! Let it shine! Let it SHINE! LET IT SHINE!

Godspeed my friends!

Prov. 4:18 “But the path of the just is as the shining light, that shineth more and more unto the perfect day.”

Shine On

Prov. 30:5 “Every word of God is pure: he is a shield unto them that put their trust in him.”

SHINE ON!!!

I will be the first to admit that this year has been a struggle to shine on in a world full of darkness. It began in the beginning of the year when a cloud overshadowed the month of January in the form of death, a beloved aunt.

Death is never an easy thing but it was especially hard for me since I couldn’t be back home with my family. I would muddle through the trenches of guilt, shrug off the feelings of incompetence and embrace the Light of the Lord as my strength to get me through yet another of life's crisis’.

Crawling my way out of the mire I saw a glimmer of light in the form of engagement then marriage. The feeling was so bright and felt so warm and good I thought I myself had died and been wrapped in Heavenly arms. 

The month of May would pass and the glimmer of light would dim; it would die a slow death in and of itself. I should have (maybe I did) know that this year wasn’t going to end well when the voles in my yard tore into my garden of flowers and destroyed them with what looked like hurricane force.

There went my Hollyhocks, my Zinnia, my Salvia of five years, my Bleeding Heart, my precious mums etc. etc.; the list goes on like Nebraska farmland. The bright side came to me when I thought, oh well there is always another year to come, but is there? I went on knowing my flowers were all dead for the season and I saw a little light in the beauty of a facebook friend who has an endless show of flowers; a smile, a glimmer of hope in this gloom.

Throughout the year my dad’s health was diminishing. By October he would be hospitalized and he would suffer a slow agonizing death. Again the guilt circled me like a vortex in the middle of the sea drawing me in and drowning me with no way out. I fought, I clawed and I searched breathless for a ray of hope. There was none to be found. 

Thanksgiving would come and I’d have to find a ray of light in the impending Christmas spirit, right? Wrong. The lighthouse of my life was gone; the pillar of strength that I looked to was out to sea sucked into the vortex. Left behind were fragments, souls and dread.

Last night when talking to my mother, she informed me that my uncle had three days to live. We cried as the rain pelted on the door and the winds rampantly blew. He had been battling cancer for years and it seemed licked two years ago when his ‘port’ was taken out and then it resurfaced with a vengeance. He is her sisters’ husband and as of today, 12-14-15 I got the dreaded phone call that I knew was coming…he died. Cancer is what sucked him into the vortex called death. Cancer is what will cling to my cousins and aunt around Christmas and for years to come. Cancer has eaten too many of my relatives. How do I fight such a dismal prognosis? Maybe with the only Light that I know; the only Light I trust to get me through these dampened darkened days?

Then there’s the celebratory feasts that we’re obligated to attend. We were invited to his mom’s house on Friday the 18th. We had to sadly decline because hubby has to work a long day, but we were guilted into going by his sister. You know how families have that guilt trip stuff down pat! Who cares that you’re mourning? Who cares that you’re not in the mood to celebrate? Who cares that you’re not as happy as everyone else? Point blank: NO ONE!

Maybe it is what I need, to be surrounded by a family that actually loves one another. Maybe I need to see people laughing and enjoying the season. Maybe I need to be a part of a Mother’s wish in seeing all her kids together. Maybe it isn’t about my whining and ME. Maybe the season is about LOVE and seeing others happy. 

Maybe I’M the Light that they need to see shining through overcast skies.

MAYBE… I need to take up drinking again. (That was me trying to joke my way through pain!)

May God Bless you ALL and may YOU be a light shining on for someone to see!

2 Sam. 23:4 “And he shall be as the light of the morning, when the sun riseth, even a morning without clouds; as the tender grass springing out of the earth by clear shining after rain.”

A Not So Merry Christmas

Job 17:7 “Mine eye also is dim by reason of sorrow, and all my members are as a shadow.”

Well yesterday I wrote about people being offended by the term Merry Christmas, but today I’m going to write about the not so Merry Christmas. When I was younger I had joyfully wished an older woman a Merry Christmas. She blurted out, “It’s not so merry to me, I just lost my husband.”

I almost cried because I in no way meant to intentionally hurt her feelings but how was I to know she had just lost her husband? I know we don’t mean Merry Christmas as a bad thing but to others who are mourning a husband, or grieving the loss of a child or who are just alone at Christmas with no family, to them it is not a ‘Merry’ Christmas. We need to be sensitive to them, not because we want to be politically correct, but because we need to have a compassionate heart for people and what they might be going through during the Christmas season.

If someone was to wish me a Merry Christmas, I’ll just nod my head and say thank you and wish them one but only I know that this isn’t going to be the merriest of Christmas’ for me, it just isn’t. I’m definitely not going to blurt out, “I just lost my dad, what’s so merry about it?” 

My husband lost his father over twenty years ago and the death of his dad isn’t as fresh to him as the death of my father is to me. I’m not minimizing his loss in any way but he never talks about his dad or the love that they shared, it’s just a mute point. He still has his siblings and mother to share the season with and I have no one. I have his family, I know, but understand it just isn’t the same as hugging MY mother in her time of need.
My mother is back home going through the days of loneliness without me there and it is going to be a very sad Christmas for me not being home. This will be her hardest Christmas ever.

I’m not trying to bring anyone down with this post, by no means. I want to see people happy and celebrating the season for all that it is; a joyous season. Just because I’m not going to be decking the halls and prancing around singing Ho! Ho! Ho! doesn’t mean that you, if your truly happy, shouldn’t be celebrating the joy of the season.

This will be the first year that I write a solo poem for my mother for Christmas and I already told myself that it isn’t going to be a sad one that will have her crying and missing my father and also missing me being there. Nope, I’m going to try and write a sappy, funny limerick to make her smile! I’ll share it with you, my readers and see what you think of it before sending off, assuming I get it done in time. 

My mother already sent a ‘gift’ for Steven, Adam and myself but the real gift will be ‘The Box’! The box I am anticipating like a kid waiting for Santa. The box will be filled with memories of my father and just a couple items that he treasured. I long to hold a piece of him in my hand one last time, to allow the aroma of him to sink into my nostrils and know that he touched the items and loved them. It will be a tear-filled day for sure.

My mother was waiting for a necklace with my dad’s fingerprint on it to put in the box, which she bought from the funeral home, but it wasn’t ready so she’s sending me the box anyway and will send the necklace at a later date. She bought one for my sister and me, and my brother bought her one with my dads ashes in it that will be worn close to her heart where my father will always remain. 

So there IS some joy in my season yet to be had and that is feeling my dad close to me as I sit missing him. While many of my siblings are dealing with guilt of not knowing my father as well as they would have liked, I don’t have that guilt because in my heart I know we had a special father/daughter relationship where I told him I loved him, frequently when I called home. My last words to him were, “I love you, dad!”

Pss. 69:29 “But I am poor and sorrowful: let thy salvation, O God, set me up on high.”

Tis the Season...

Half of my collection

John 4: 23-24 “But the hour cometh, and now is, when the true worshippers shall worship the Father in spirit and in truth: for the Father seeketh such to worship him.

God is a Spirit: and they that worship him must worship him in spirit and in truth.”

I haven’t written since Thanksgiving and we’re well on our way to the most blessed season of the Christian life. While Thanksgiving came and went, as much as I felt thankful I was also riddled with grief. 

I’ve heard over and over how grief fluctuates and I’m no stranger to grief but have never grieved in this magnitude before. Yes, I lost two children and grieved immensely but I didn’t let the grief take hold of my life and I made some semblance of a life after their deaths. 

I knew my dad was very sick and I tried to prepare myself for the ending but like a good book, we never want it to end and always hope that there will be a sequel. My only hope of a sequel with my father dying, is knowing that he is basking on the shores of heaven and the sequel will rise when I join him. 

Thanksgiving was more than grief for my father; it was a longing to be home with my mother who is fighting her own battles of moving on in an empty home where the two of them shared their days on a 24/7 basis. She is now lonely holding emptiness in her hand and I long to be there to comfort her in her time of grief.

December 2nd was Christopher’s birthday and I came to the realization that I am the mother of a thirty-three year old son, had he been allowed to stay here on this crazy planet. I find solace in knowing that he didn’t have to be a part of this insanity that we call life and that he has an even bigger role in the place we call Heaven!

We had snow on Thanksgiving and hubby worked out in it for four hours in the wind and temps no higher than 25 degrees that day. He also drove in the mess but he did have the pleasure of being home for turkey dinner and home comfortably on Black Friday. Adam and I on the weekend began the Christmas decorating and as of Monday the place was looking like Christmas had kissed and blessed the scene. 

The holidays are shadowed in a new color for me, and I imagine many others, the color of grief. While lights dazzle, tinsel sparkles, snow glistens the bubble surrounding many homes this season is a somber gray, echoed by candlelight and showers of prayer washing over not only people but also a nation in the midst of sadness.

I know many people put on the show of glitz and glamour, hug tightly to the materialistic glow that surrounds the season, find themselves nestled in parties and booze all the while many are out here suffering through the pains that come along with this season, the season of joy, now the season of grief.

I won’t allow grief to ruin my Christmas; after all it is the season that we celebrate the Lord’s birth. I won’t allow fear of the unknown to ruin my Christmas because that is what the terror seekers want for us, to live in fear and I won’t allow that to happen. I will allow fear to empower me and to continue in this season with joy and hope in my heart. 

The prayerful soul that I am will bless you all as you too meander through this season. Go with peace, share the love and Light that Jesus stood for in His coming and prayerfully walk with God as you embrace the diversity that rest assured will slap us in the face in the coming new year.

God bless you all!

John 1:4-5 “In him was life; and the life was the light of men.

And the light shineth in darkness; and the darkness comprehended it not.”

Quotation Saturday ~ Resurrection Sunday is Coming...

Lent comes to an end…

As we embrace a new beginning.

Matt. 28:5-6 And the angel answered and said unto the women, Fear not ye: for I know that ye seek Jesus, which was crucified.
He is not here: for he is risen, as he said. Come, see the place where the Lord lay.

"As Lent is the time for greater love, listen to Jesus' thirst...'Repent and believe' Jesus tells us. What are we to repent? Our indifference, our hardness of heart. What are we to believe? Jesus thirsts even now, in your heart and in the poor -- He knows your weakness. He wants only your love, wants only the chance to love you."

~ Blessed Teresa of Calcutta

"Whoever wishes to be my follower must deny his very self, take up his cross each day, and follow in my steps."

~ Luke 9:23

"Prayer does not change the purpose of God. But prayer does change the action of God." ~ Chuck Smith 

"Men may spurn our appeals, reject our message, oppose our arguments, despise our persons, but they are helpless against our prayers."

 ~ Sidlow Baxter

"It is not just about giving up our favorite food but its about going further and giving up things like hatred and unforgiveness. You need to clean your heart and prepare yourself for purity."

~ Amanda Jobs

“The Lord measures out perfection neither by the multitude nor the magnitude of our deeds, but by the manner in which we perform them.”

~ St. John of the Cross

"You cannot be proud and expect to be transformed away from your sins. You need to humble yourself and have a spirit of repentance within you. Then you will see real change."

~ Mable Vine

“If man had his way, the plan of redemption would be an endless and bloody conflict. In reality, salvation was bought not by Jesus' fist, but by His nail-pierced hands; not by muscle but by love; not by vengeance but by forgiveness; not by force but by sacrifice. Jesus Christ our Lord surrendered in order that He might win; He destroyed His enemies by dying for them and conquered death by allowing death to conquer Him.”
~ A.W. Tozer

“The gifts of the Master are these: freedom, life, hope, new direction, transformation, and intimacy with God. If the cross was the end of the story, we would have no hope. But the cross isn't the end. Jesus didn't escape from death; he conquered it and opened the way to heaven for all who will dare to believe. The truth of this moment, if we let it sweep over us, is stunning. It means Jesus really is who he claimed to be, we are really as lost as he said we are, and he really is the only way for us to intimately and spiritually connect with God again.”
~ Steven James

“And now brothers, I will ask you a terrible question, and God knows I ask it also of myself. Is the truth beyond all truths, beyond the stars, just this: that to live without him is the real death, that to die with him the only life?”
~ Frederick Buechner

“May the resurrection power of Christ, awake in us a greater spiritual force and strength, so that we can passionately pursue our God-given dreams.”
~ Lailah Gifty Akita

“It saddens my heart when on this Holy Weekend so-called ‘Christians’ lose the war with satan and give in. Their eyes are not on Christ and satan loves that. Focus on the Life and the Resurrection, your soul will feel much better."

Job 27:8 “For what is the hope of the hypocrite, though he hath gained, when God taketh away his soul?

Saved by the Good book