The Story Begins - ER visit One

2 Cor.12:9 "And he said unto me, My grace is sufficient for thee: for my strength is made perfect in weakness. Most gladly, therefore, will I rather glory in my infirmities, that the power of Christ may rest upon me."

ER visit One...

The first ER visit was the one that got the pebble rolling wherever I was being led on this path. The ride of a lifetime was sweeping me into its arms. And so the journey began. I'm not going for time consistency right now and will get back to it at the editing phase and make the timeline more clear. After the first ER visit, everything seems a fog, it was the first time in many many years that a hardcore drug entered my body, Percocet.

I couldn't breathe that night, my chest seemed to be tightening, the air in my lungs minimal and by morning, Steven accidentally missing his alarm, called for him to be at home that day and me needing to be driven to the ER. We drove to the Emergency Room entrance, pivoting to a (hospital owned) wheelchair, making it from car to hospital sign in, the formality and tagging began. This is where my birthdate would be the most uttered words over the next couple of months.

The ER2, 3, and 4 were all maddening visits in their own stage. While in ER1 I was told what the x-ray had shown. That my disease had metastasized (spread) to my liver. "Mets to the liver," he said. I didn't blink. I sat, I stared and quite honestly thought, 'and so it begins'. Don't ask me what 'it' was, I hadn't figured that part out but was assured in the deepest depths of my being, my sacred place, that I would know, and also I would know when it was time to share.

I left the hospital in tears, only a cane in my hand and my husband by my side. A blur, that is the only way I can describe it. I felt like I wanted to shelter this news in a cocoon and allow only one or two (okay, maybe three) people know that I was now Stage 4? I think that's what they call it when it has spread. Hey, some is still a blur. I'm still in my healing phase. It was at this time that I was told that I should use a walker at all times and think about getting a wheelchair. I should also make an appointment with my GP (General Practitioner) if for my pain and my inability to breath should I need medication to continue. The spot, I was told, was pressing on my lungs, making it feel like the air was being restricted. My oxygen level was 97%. 

Rolling right along I went. I made a GP appointment and thus began the struggle between illness and law. She was hesitant in prescribing Percocet 'because of the 'LAW', so she prescribed a delicate drug that did minimal assistance to my pain. Being raised in MG's placed me in the ER again, the pain too much to bear.

ER2 found me visiting by my first ever ambulance ride. Unable to breathe and a lot of pain in my lower extremities. The meds my GP gave me, obviously were not working and little did I know that the Opioid crisis running rampant across the nation would imprison medication to aid me but could be prescribed for 30 days only, then its, "SUFFER American, your illness means nothing to us, we have a drug problem here!" My illness is defined by legalities, stigmas and the good old Almighty Dollar! UNLESS you find a caring doctor.  

This doctor had NO PROBLEM prescribing my medication. I am Stage 4, what's going to happen to me, I'm going to become addicted in a couple of months or worse overdose and die? Get in line, we're all going to die some way somehow eventually and DRUGS are NOT going to take ME down! BUT I was now given a choice. I was ‘encouraged’ to go the chemo route. I was gently nudged to an Oncologist. I also sat nodding my head in utter disbelief I was going through this. I needed my son and husband. I had no idea what to do.

I think this is where I hopped on the merry-go-round for a spell. FEAR wrapped its long fingers around my neck gripping with flames of fire. Messages, mixed and otherwise were scrambling through my head. I heard them but I could not discern. Surely enough, I was on the fatal merry-go-round from a Ray Bradbury novel.

Friends and family were getting concerned, seeing that this was my second visit to the ER after all. I made the decision to see an Oncologist. Miracles were evident and prayers were being answered at this time. Some people like instantaneous answers to prayers but I AM LIVING PROOF, prayers are answered in the most minute ways. You might not see Steven missing his alarm clock as an answered prayer, but had he been at work and I, home alone? ER visit 2 brought me to a possible third oncologist looking at my disease since last year.
Think about the ramifications had God not intervened.

To be continued…

“Each of you should use whatever gift you have received to serve others, as faithful stewards of God’s grace in its various forms.” 1 Peter 4:10 (NIV)

Jar of Clay

2 Cor. 4:7-9 KJV “But we have this treasure in earthen vessels, that the excellency of the power may be of God, and not of us. We are troubled on every side, yet not distressed; we are perplexed, but not in despair: Persecuted, but not forsaken; cast down, but not destroyed;

ESV 7 “But we have this treasure in jars of clay, to show that the surpassing power belongs to God and not to us. 8 We are afflicted in every way, but not crushed; perplexed, but not driven to despair; 9 persecuted, but not forsaken; struck down, but not destroyed;”

While I prefer the KJVersion many find the ESV an easier read. That’s okay with me because I’m a fragile jar of clay spilling out the word. It is not mine to shape and twist for easier reading it is mine to pour out of my earthly vessel.

Many people fear the Word, the Light, the Love that God showers on the world. I find in this physical world that people embrace hate easier than they do love. Love makes people vulnerable. Love is an open wound and touching love brings forth pain. Like salt on a wound, your pain becomes visible to the world. Hiding behind hate and anger is so much easier.

So here I am, an open wound. I have a disease that has people curling up in fear, writhing in pain, losing all sense of self. This illness leaves many alone in a struggle with the only thing in their faces is fear.

Fear tried to afflict me in the earliest of days. I quickly turned to Light and Love and the entire perspective changed for me; I may have been struck down but I was not destroyed! I know quite a few friends asked where my strength comes from and I have to be honest, from the Holy Spirit residing in me, there can be no other place in me to hold such a magnitude of passion except this jar of clay.

Fear was strewn outside the vessel trying to shatter the fragility of the jar but I could not, I would not allow the hardened clay to be tapped by fear. I will not break because someone thinks they know what is better for me. I will defend my honor and hold fast the truth that is a vine climbing inside of me.

A Puritan they say, well praise be, if you think of that as an insult you’d be wrong, if you see the purity in me, you’d be right. A puritan, I’m honored. 
Puritan defined - a person who is strict in moral or religious matters, often excessively so.

I may be an excessive moral person, a strict spiritual person but I am not a religious person, but I like that about me. It surely doesn’t make me any better than you. I am not above anyone. I am a sinner who, if God doesn’t chastise me, I will correct myself. I’ve walked the rigid path, my bare feet scarred by the stones, glass penetrated me and I bled, but I am now healed and I want the world to know of this healing. Is that wrong in wanting to share the Light of the road less taken?

While a doctor tries to use fear, a browser tries to use dominance, people try to use doubt, God uses me to pour out all that’s in this vessel. I’m okay with that, I feel I have a purpose and it isn’t in the materialistic society. I have a Spirit filled with love and everything that entails. I share the love. Judge if you want, I’m okay with that too, if you have a problem with love then you need some deep thinking sessions to see what is missing in you.

I could say the weight of an illness is on my shoulders but no instead I feel the weight of the Lord pressing in on me to spill out all He has shown me. I’m a basin full of living water just waiting for someone to dip their fingers into, to wash their face. I want to share all that the Lord has shared with me. Is that wrong? Is that moral high ground?  

Though some look down on me trying hard to ignore the Light I bring to the table, I see you and it makes me love you all the more. I will not break, I will not shatter, I will not be swayed or inhibited by persecution. I will rise above this disease and look at it from afar, it will be buried in the chasm of my healing cells never to be seen of again.

My hope for the world is that more and more people will be brazen enough to step up to the plate and not be shamed for spreading the Word. But can I give you some advice? Don’t share the Word then turn around and shew forth hate, it kind of gives off a mixed message. There is no confusion where God is concerned. 

Onward Christian 

Rom. 10:17 “So then faith cometh by hearing, and hearing by the word of God.”

Fanning the Flames

The Fire of Hate

Joni Zipp

Feed the fire, fan the flame

No one here but YOU to blame

A frenzied lie; mass delusion

Leads too many to confusion!

You breed corruption; you harbor hate

Watch the world disintegrate.

Infect the world with pure love

Watch the radiant rain above.

As men deliver irrational fears

All that’s fueled is crimson tears.

Imagine the spread of positive flow

The Lord will erupt in a wondrous show!

***

We’re living in a day and age where it is so easy to spew hate instead of spreading love. I dislike many things that are happening in the world, but to keep my sanity, I turn the thoughts of distaste into love to get through my day.

So many people are willing to ‘share’ their hatred that they get others feeding the fire of hate also. It is no different than taking a match and handing it to a dry piece of kindling wood, which gets handed to a log amid a pile of dried heaped up logs, you then have formed a bonfire of hate all with your one little match of hate.

I am not a political person, so I don’t HATE my president that the country voted into office. I do dislike what is happening in our government as a whole, but does that cause me to spew hate? What am I gaining from it? Well let me tell you, it would be turning me away from the very God I profess to love! The very God that declares love is the key to all healing!

My time and energy is better off spent in sharing the gospel truth that so many of these disillusioned spewers need to hear so they can take a more positive path than the anger that they relay to the bonfire awaiting their match.

Granted, not everyone is open to God and bible quotes, so I make it a mission to share a positive spirit that might infect some of these naysayers into being more productive with their thoughts so that together, in the spirit of love, we control the power of unleashing a mass hysteria of LOVE!

As a writer I like to research where all this hate comes from and to see if it is truth that people are spewing. Oftentimes I go to Snopes. Com to debunk these myths. Recently a spewer said that even Snopes is false. So again I researched the truth and found this link Snopes Exposed!

I think we live in a world where so many people are eager to hate that they don’t even care if it is the truth or not, it just makes them feel good to get their opinion, often hate-filled, out there.

If you’re in my circle of friends, do you realize what you are doing? Do you know that with every spit of hatred it causes me to find love in the source of your anger? Do you realize the more that you fill your wall with anger posts, the more room you are giving to satan in your heart? But at least you gain a prayer in doing so because with each fan of the flames I bow my head in prayer for you.

Sure you say you love God, but how can you mix love and hate and feel clean in doing so? Last time I checked oil and water don’t mix well.

On a final note, I love my country and am grateful for every single thing I have. While you spew hate for the government, without that very government, I would’ve starved, my man would have remained blind and a leech of government funds. No, it is BECAUSE of my government my pride took a leap off a cliff and I was able to survive BECAUSE of the government.

I praise the Lord for feeding my soul, I thank my country for not judging me and giving me the ability to live and thrive.

My prayers go up for the military and their families, my prayers walk with my government instead of against them, my prayers go out to my friends (and family) who need to feel MORE of the LOVE that God offers.

Spread the LOVE, change the WORLD!!!!