Year's End

2 Cor. 4:16 “For which cause we faint not; but though our outward man perish, yet the inward man is renewed day by day.”

The Year's End

I look at the calendar and see December 27, my son’s 22 birthday, and I have to wonder where all of the other the months this year went. I feel like I feathered through the pages of the calendar and landed here in December with no fill in for the in between. You know, you’re given a life-altering diagnosis and something in your life is supposed to change right? You make or complete a bucket list, family surrounds you and supports you, you strive to live every last second of the years of your life you have left.

That didn’t happen to me. I altered my daily eating habits, I changed my physical activities to include walks and stationary bike rides and I do more cleaning, more writing, but that’s about it. The outside world exists only when I force myself to go out and place myself in this seemingly mechanical robotic world we live in.

One day I’m sitting in the doctor’s office being poked and prodded, the calendar saying January 25th, then I’m sitting under an eclipsed sun and it says August 21st, then I blink and now it is the 27th of December.

I’m sure all of you have had a significant year where you took scenic trips, relished family memories, ate delicious toxic food and wonder where all the weight came from that you’ve added. Me, I’m wondering where in the world I hid forty pounds that I lost. My mother in law just said to me on Christmas, that she didn’t know I had forty pounds to lose because I always looked great. I guess looking great and actually BEING great are two different things. Shrinking from a size seven to a size three is forty pounds. Now I have no clothes that fit, again.

While I may have lost weight I feel like I’ve aged ten years. It’s kind of weird and nothing I do can change that portion of my year. I did have a nice Christmas and that meant a lot to me. The enormous amount of food did overwhelm me but I stayed focused on my macaroni salad. Macaroni salad, you ask? Well yes. Back home our Christmas’ always had my great-grandmother’s secret family recipe for macaroni salad and potato salad, and my mother always had pork, sauerkraut, and kielbasa simmering in the slow cooker. 

When my German great-grandparents (my dad’s grandparents) came here to America not too long ago, they brought with them recipes to hand down to the family. My mother actually made the recipes the best and my aunt’s always envied how she made it just like their grandmother! They tried to duplicate the recipe to no avail. I was always by my mothers’ side when she made the salads so I basically knew what she did that made it so special. She says my niece has acquired the ability to reproduce her salad but sometimes misses an ingredient but the similar taste is still there. 

I don’t make her potato salad because I don’t really like potatoes but the macaroni salad I made last year for my son and hubby was back-home delicious so much so, it took me back home for a moment when savoring every bite. When I thought about facing Christmas day surrounded by food and family I mentioned that if I could make my mother’s macaroni salad, I would have that one cheat to eat, relishing the taste and my surroundings would melt into the background. My husband, loving the salad, had no problem with my request!

I have never shared my salad with this family and his brother makes some good tasty food himself. I felt the two pounds of macaroni was too much so I saved me a small bowl for home and took the rest thinking it would go untouched because of all of the food my bro-in-law made. Amid the turkey, ham, dressing, cranberry sauce, string bean casserole and a host of other stuff sat my macaroni salad. 

Holding my plate in my hand I loaded up on macaroni salad and two deviled eggs that my hubby made. No one knew that they were organic eggs. I went and sat at the table surrounded by family and ate, after prayers of course. This family actually prays before meals, something I never knew in my life before coming to Nebraska. 

After the forks began scraping the plates I could hear the low murmur of ‘mmmm’s’ circling the table. I thought they were agreeing with how good my bro-in-law’s food was but then it came out, “This macaroni salad is delicious!” 

I think I blushed, “My macaroni salad?” 

Out of ten people there, only one didn’t like the salad and that was because he had eaten a pepperoncini thinking it was a banana pepper and his dinner was ruined by the taste, otherwise, the macaroni salad was a big hit. I had an almost empty bowl to take home with us by the time we left. There was a request to bring it to the Easter dinner and his brother said I could bring that dish again next year! 

If I give them nothing else to remember me by, my old family recipe will linger in their minds and taste buds for years to come. I’m sure my laughter and personality will be sweet reminders also, but I can say what made my year was sharing a meal from back home, bringing my dysfunctional family close to me while sharing with my new family. 

The only person that I talked to from back home on Christmas day was my mother, everyone else has forgotten about me so this year is the year of release for me. I need to release that family and move forward. The delete button cannot be more prevalent and necessary at this juncture in my life. I’ll continue on in my hermetic lifestyle isolating myself and living for me, hubby and my son, and…my macaroni salad once or twice a year! What a nice way to end the year!

A Naked New Year

Acts 5:20 Go, stand and speak in the temple to the people all the words of this life.

Well as many spent their New Year’s Day sitting on facebook, tweeting on twitter, wasting a new day and the beginning of a new year, I was being productive and dismantling Christmas.

New calendars were hung and the first picture of the New Year? A Cardinal. That glorious red bird that visits me when he can is now on my wall for at least a month. That brought a smile to my face.

I sure get a lot done working with my disabled body. As I wrapped ornaments, snowmen and all, to be put away while Adam was unstringing lights from the tree and Christmas was slowly being sucked out of the house. By the end of the day my body was screaming in pain, not because Christmas was melting into the boxes not to be seen for another year, but because I try to do too much in a crippled body.

I woke thinking the day was going to be something special; that all the revelers knew something that I didn’t. I realized that I’m alone in the world of zombies. I woke to find it was a new day, the same as the day before, just a new calendar. The only thing that is going to change is me. I have to make some changes this year. This is not a resolution, this is a part of my continued soul searching and where it is leading me. There sure isn’t anyone going to do it for me.

1 Peter 4: 16 Yet if any man suffer as a Christian, let him not be ashamed; but let him glorify God on this behalf.

The scripture above says a lot to me. While I’m not ashamed of my Christian beliefs, what I am ashamed of is how loosely based the term Christian is used. People who fear Christ, fear salvation, fear being born again call themselves Christians. I have to laugh out loud when I hear/read “Christians fear Christ” in the same sentence.

The reasons people fear Christ is because they haven’t opened themselves up to the POWER of the Holy SPIRIT of Christ. They call themselves Christians without even knowing what spirituality is because that’s some far flung belief from old.

My path is leading me away. Not that I sit in judgment of man because I know full well I am not one to judge people for misunderstanding, I’m just done with justifying and excusing them for not having the strength to seek out and find the spirit within them. For all intents and purposes, they seek what is on the outside. They will have to answer to their god one day, too.

Life after death. My new calendar year, as so many others in the past, will have me seeking. What will become of me in my life after death has drawn interest in me. I am not focusing on the here and now because all of this will be gone in a blink of the eye. What will be left of us? Our bare naked souls.

I’ve opened a wounded soul and seek out healing. I cannot pretend that my popularity and friendships will walk me through the gates of heaven. I will not put on a show of wondrous works to walk me through the Pearly Gates because I KNOW, nothing of this earth is going with me when I come face to face with God Himself! The only thing that will be exposed is my conscience.

I will walk with no guilt or shame when the portal opens. My clothes will be peeled from me, my skin shed and I must stand in front of God exposed. You know, I try to live every single day as if I’m standing exposed in front of God. Maybe if more people believed in God, and more people took the seriousness of their life after death, the world would not live in fear of Christ or His words, they would fear their eternal life.

No scientist is going to verify any fact that hasn’t been granted to me by knowing the Spirit of Christ. When we walk in the Spirit, there is no room for doubts and fears. And when people wake up and realize that being a Christian is MORE than just a name to call yourself, more than just a religious faith, more than any human mind can comprehend, then and only then will they be justified in calling themselves a Christian. A Christian is a disciple of CHRIST. Nothing more and nothing less.

May the Spirit of God be with you all!

Acts 11:23 Who, when he came, and had seen the grace of God, was glad, and exhorted them all, that with purpose of heart they would cleave unto the Lord.
[24] For he was a good man, and full of the Holy Ghost and of faith: and much people was added unto the Lord.
[25] Then departed Barnabas to Tarsus, for to seek Saul:
[26] And when he had found him, he brought him unto Antioch. And it came to pass, that a whole year they assembled themselves with the church, and taught much people. And the disciples were called Christians first in Antioch.

 

 

 

It is finished...the year that is

Baltimore's Inner Harbor

Gen. 2:15 And the LORD God took the man, and put him into the garden of Eden to dress it and to keep it.

The year has come and gone in a whirlwind of speed.

As I rip the last calendar month off, I reflect on the year it was. T’was a year of uncertainty, the loss of a dear cousin-in-law and a facebook friend to colon cancer. I think of the sad months and the joyous months also, that I leave behind in a heap of dried leaves left for springtime removal.

I end the year in uncertainty too as I’m not quite sure where I fit into this life anymore. I’m sure my days as an inspirational writer are over. How can I write to inspire when I have nothing to inspire people with? We'll see.

As the New Year rings in at midnight and people will either be glued to their television watching the bane of society dancing and gyrating across their screens, tucked away at some bar chugging in the new year, or huddled in coats and blankets watching the firework shows going off in many cities (like Baltimore) across America. I myself will be fast asleep and won’t wake until six in the morning to see just what went on while I slept.

While horns will be blaring, guns will be shot in the air, pots and pans will be banged on, tooters will be tooting and again, I will be fast asleep as the world rings in a New Year. Do I resent people partying and ringing in a New Year in a fashion that I once, in my youthful years, was an active participant in? Not at all. We all need to celebrate SOMEthing in life and if a New Year beginning is what works for you, don’t you dare judge me for not finding excitement in just another day and night.

As I’ve said earlier, I don’t do resolutions, I no longer party, and as I get older I no longer stay up past midnight for ANY reason. Some people use a holiday, any holiday as an excuse to drink and party it up. In my day, I was one of those zombies. Not any more and I’m grateful for that. I no longer allow alcohol and partying to rule my world.

I guess I grew up somewhere along the line. I became a fuddy-duddy when I was out seeking my soul. I’m still seeking my soul purpose as I’ve always done and it will never end until my time here on earth ends. We’re not born to just diddle and dawdle away our lives, we’re placed here to SEEK. From the very first book in the Holy Bible, Genesis, we were created to be pure and knowing of no evil.

We faltered and fell and it has always been our destiny to seek out and become like the Adam God created, knowing of no evil. While some will linger in evil for their lives, banking on the forgiveness that Christ gives, we are not to be sinners as a rule because of forgiveness, we are to be sinners and know better before sinning again! After begging for forgiveness for a sin committed, we are to turn from that sin, we’re not to commit it over and over again thinking our forgiveness is a get out of jail FREE card.

The soul seeker in me seeks to purify my soul by any means and if that means giving up the wages of sin, if that means walking in the Light instead of the dark, if that means to be the best person God created me to be, then so be it.

Tomorrow I will wake and a new calendar will be in place. A new day will be here for me to embrace and my soul will rejoice in seeking out all that is good in the world. My heart will be light and as fluffy as the newly fallen snow and I will strive to be everything God intended me to be when I was formed. I will not try to be who people expect me to be, I will Be. I will be ME!

Happy New Year to all who celebrate! May blessings abound in this new calendar shift. 

BE SAFE!!!