One Ray of Hope

Pss. 119:105 (NIV) “Your word is a lamp to my feet and a light for my path.”

One Ray of Hope

That’s all I asked for really, is one ray of hope. I think it’s been less than two weeks since the Family Practice office called and asked me if I’d like an appointment to see a doctor. They just wanted to see where I was at with my treatment.

Well, I was told that my doctor GP (general practitioner) was leaving the office due to her residency being complete in July. July came and I still hadn’t made an appointment to get in there to see her before she left. Not because of me, mind you, because my husband had an eye doctor’s appointment and after that, his tooth decided to be in pain and he HAD to get that worked on, too.

So here we are in July and the Family Practice office called ME and asked if I’d like to make an appointment. She was a somber voiced woman sounding like the stress of the job was getting to her;  I said yes, taking whomever she picked for me. I thought she said I could see the PA (Physician Assistant) and we could discuss a referral maybe. I was scheduled for July 18th the woman said. 

I didn’t put much promise into the visit, all I wanted was one ray of hope. I’d say almost a month leading up to the visit were wrought with tears and angst, feeling abandoned by all doctors and just left out here to die. I think it came through in my previous posts and yes my friends knew something was bothering me.

I wasn’t sad because I thought this alternative route was failing, I knew things were working and I could feel it and literally SEE it. But I feel satan had his own plans in planting doubt and fear in my mind by the appearance of a lump in my RIGHT breast this time. Before you all jump to conclusions that my disease is spreading allow me to tell you. 

Consistency.  When I was a kid and even throughout my adult years of menstruating my breasts were lumpy Lil buggers, that is why this disease went unrecognized for so long. The lump, the cancerous one, was hard as a marble and grew over the months. The one on my right feels like a spongy little fella, moves around, making me think this is the difference in a cyst and a tumor.  

Just so you know, I SEE visual differences and this one obviously drew concern at first but then I remembered all I’m dealing with, stress, life, heat, monsters creeping under my bed. Okay no monsters, I just wanted to see if you were still paying attention. You get the picture, I know. This is not a journey I would wish on my worst enemy! But I’m barreling through like a champ and am even wondering some days where I’m getting this strength! (Trust me, I KNOW where I get the strength from.)

I’ve never lost sight of the Lord and with every tear that dripped onto the floor I knew, God was right there catching them for me. Then the eighteenth came and the doctor visit was at hand. No expectations in the least. I thought I was seeing a PA and getting a referral. I know what I had prayed for but I was willing to wait a little longer for the answer.

But it came, an answer to my prayer. You all know for six months (on the 25th) what I’ve endured, encountered, been hit with from the doctors, all of my illnesses and I do believe you all have been praying the same thing for me. When the M.D., (yup, not a PA) came into the room, introducing herself as the doctor and asked me what I was looking for I told her straight up, I need blood tests done to check for any vitamin deficiency or any other tests she could run. 

She asked me why I chose not to go the chemo route, I told her, I don’t believe in chemo, it has killed too many in my family and I NEED to try something else, I have a lot of nieces that might need to see another route to take one day. I told her, I don’t want to die from chemo and that is basically what I’d be doing if I went that route. I also said that if none of this works and I die because it didn’t work, it is MY choice, MY body and MY death on my hands, no one else’s.

She asked if I’ve done any research on this method of healing and I basically gave her the rundown of my research for the past six months, she listened, asked questions and nodded in agreement. I never at one time felt like I was off my rocker. She looked at me as an equal not down on me as if she was the all powerful Oz. Even when I mentioned CBD oil (cannabis oil) she sounded interested. I told her of all of the success stories I’ve read, about THOUSANDS of people healing and being CURED, not just hundreds.

I threw names around like The Truth About Cancer, Chris Wark of Chris Beat Cancer to Dr. Hoxsey, founder of the Oasis of Hope in Tijuana, Mexico and the Vitamin C treatments being done in Colorado. She looked intrigued and didn’t roll her eyes or throw her arms in the air once, brushing me off. Instead, she said the words I longed to hear, “I can run some tests.” Tears started to well in my eyes, but I didn’t allow them to flow over. I said, “I think I love you right now.” She chuckled then went on to tell me she’d test my B12 levels, C and D levels, bone density and liver and the other organs, and as she was speaking I zoned out silently praising God, thanking Him for answering my prayers. “…lab.” That’s all I heard, I think I was in shock.

I did hear her say it could take a few days, maybe by Friday for results. I was just sitting in shock. I know I became quiet and couldn’t believe what was happening. My husband who I took into the office for support was kind of shocked too.

She did ask if I wanted to get a colonoscopy, and all of the other internal test and I told her, please let me get to know you first. Allow me one thing at a time; this is all so overwhelming. I thanked her profusely, gave her a firm handshake and off I went to the lab with a smile on my face and a sunbeam in my hand.

I only prayed for one ray of hope…my God gave me an entire SON! 

The following verse is what greeted me this morning. All praise and Glory to Him! 

Pss. 24: 3-6 “Who shall ascend into the hill of the Lord? or who shall stand in his holy place? He that hath clean hands, and a pure heart; who hath not lifted up his soul unto vanity, nor sworn deceitfully. He shall receive the blessing from the Lord, and righteousness from the God of his salvation.

Feeling Hopeful Through the Pain

1 John 4:18 (NIV) “There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear, because fear has to do with punishment. The one who fears is not made perfect in love.”

*Hopeful*

Well, it’s been a pretty exhausting week for me. No, I haven’t been working myself too hard and I learned something really early in this disability and that is to 'know my limits'!!!

I go out early in the cool morning hours and water my garden and fill my birdbath. I pull any weeds I can without hurting my back and then I come inside to do the inside chores of washing clothes, ironing hubby’s work shirts, planning the meal for dinner (preferably not one that consists of the use of the oven) more times than not, in the summer months I use my slow cooker or make a nice refreshing pasta salad, or a tossed salad and some turkey wraps. 

After my chores, I start my writing, usually an inspirational blog post or something of that nature. Today is a hopeful day. I was so encouraged by my friends I woke yesterday feeling hopeful in my future of writing, blogging and just being alive. I got out early to water my plants, was enjoying the breeze so much I decided to wash my car, then when I finished I went inside to wash two loads of laundry. Hubby had gone food shopping at seven a.m to beat the heat, then he came home and sprayed for weeds, and as I washed the car, he whacked the weeds with a weed-whacker! He was on a weed killing mission, I can tell you that much. 

I came inside as it started to heat up outside washed some clothes and then began the afternoon by writing in the nicely air-conditioned house. I would every once in a while peek my head outside just to see how hot it was and by 5:30 it was 99 degrees with a heat index of 108!!! Wow, after living in Texas for six years you think I’d be used to the heat but this is an airless hot where you try to breathe and are reminded of what hell potentially feels like. 

I made a mistake in the midst of my euphoria and that was to try and get a fly off the back of my right leg using my pained left leg, not a good idea! I lifted my left leg backwards and used my foot to swat the blood-sucking varmint. It rendered me practically immobile when my left leg dropped by the inability to place any weight on my left foot and I was forced to stagger painstakingly inside to the heating pad. Yeah, how exciting is that to have to sit on a heating pad when you’re trying to get cool? And amid such a good day!

I often wonder why. Why me? Those thoughts often discourage me and my friend told me recently that it’s to bring you closer to God. You see, the people out there that just soar through life with nary a problem turn to God when they NEED Him and some people find that they don’t need him at all, they have their egos and they’re good with their not-a-care-in-the-world- life, but us who are always seeking God and want to be so close to Him that we fall asleep at night in His arms are usually the ones with the heaviest load to carry.

My daily pain brings me that much closer to God himself. No deed, no selfless act, no not-committing-all-ten of the commandments is going to bring me closer to God than my pain. 

When you’re suffering, the first thing you do, and yes even atheist have been known to do, is cry out dear God help me please, or dear sweet Jesus. Only because in some sense we know, that is the only comfort we’re going to get.

Now a lot of people have turned away from Christ because either they really don’t care if He exists, need PROOF that He exists, or don’t like the non-answer they get from Him. Allow me to tell you this, He has always answered me! Maybe not in the way I expected him to but yes, He has always answered me. Sometimes he tells me to be patient and wait, sometimes he says how about this instead? Yes, He always gives ME an answer.

So as I sit here literally crying in pain that my leg renders me, and asking God why? He gently nods – because you need me. Ahh… that was sweet. 

Jer. 15:18 “Why is my pain perpetual, and my wound incurable, which refuseth to be healed? wilt thou be altogether unto me as a liar, and as waters that fail?” < I question

He answers >Jer. 15:20 “And I will make thee unto this people a fenced brasen wall: and they shall fight against thee, but they shall not prevail against thee: for I am with thee to save thee and to deliver thee, saith the LORD.”

PRAISE BE TO GOD!

Thank You Dear Lord

THANK YOU

Below is a scripture that I was led to by the Spirit and I read it in the wee hours of Monday morning. This is exactly how I have been feeling lately.

Pss. 143:1-6 Hear my prayer, O LORD, give ear to my supplications: in thy faithfulness answer me, and in thy righteousness.
And enter not into judgment with thy servant: for in thy sight shall no man living be justified.
For the enemy hath persecuted my soul; he hath smitten my life down to the ground; he hath made me to dwell in darkness, as those that have been long dead.
Therefore is my spirit overwhelmed within me; my heart within me is desolate.
I remember the days of old; I meditate on all thy works; I muse on the work of thy hands.

I stretch forth my hands unto thee: my soul thirsteth after thee, as a thirsty land. Selah.

And my prayer:

Pss. 143:7-12  Hear me speedily, O LORD: my spirit faileth: hide not thy face from me, lest I be like unto them that go down into the pit.
Cause me to hear thy lovingkindness in the morning; for in thee do I trust: cause me to know the way wherein I should walk; for I lift up my soul unto thee.
Deliver me, O LORD, from mine enemies: I flee unto thee to hide me.
Teach me to do thy will; for thou art my God: thy spirit is good; lead me into the land of uprightness.
Quicken me, O LORD, for thy name's sake: for thy righteousness' sake bring my soul out of trouble.

And of thy mercy cut off mine enemies, and destroy all them that afflict my soul: for I am thy servant.

And my answer:

Pss. 144: 1-15 Blessed be the LORD my strength, which teacheth my hands to war, and my fingers to fight: My goodness, and my fortress; my high tower, and my deliverer; my shield, and he in whom I trust; who subdueth my people under me.
LORD, what is man, that thou takest knowledge of him! or the son of man, that thou makest account of him!
Man is like to vanity: his days are as a shadow that passeth away.
Bow thy heavens, O LORD, and come down: touch the mountains, and they shall smoke.
Cast forth lightning, and scatter them: shoot out thine arrows, and destroy them.
Send thine hand from above; rid me, and deliver me out of great waters, from the hand of strange children;
Whose mouth speaketh vanity, and their right hand is a right hand of falsehood.
I will sing a new song unto thee, O God: upon a psaltery and an instrument of ten strings will I sing praises unto thee.
It is he that giveth salvation unto kings: who delivereth David his servant from the hurtful sword.
Rid me, and deliver me from the hand of strange children, whose mouth speaketh vanity, and their right hand is a right hand of falsehood:
That our sons may be as plants grown up in their youth; that our daughters may be as corner stones, polished after the similitude of a palace:
That our garners may be full, affording all manner of store: that our sheep may bring forth thousands and ten thousands in our streets:
That our oxen may be strong to labour; that there be no breaking in, nor going out; that there be no complaining in our streets.
Happy is that people, that is in such a case: yea, happy is that people, whose God is the LORD.

This was Monday morning’s meditation and Bible reading and if you read my poem on Sunday, you’ll see how similar they are. I wrote the poem on Saturday and Monday morning I was led to these readings. I am Spirit filled and Spirit led.

Just so you know, no matter how deep the pit, there is always the Light that will lead you to a comfort zone in your soul.

Praise be to God!