One Ray of Hope

Pss. 119:105 (NIV) “Your word is a lamp to my feet and a light for my path.”

One Ray of Hope

That’s all I asked for really, is one ray of hope. I think it’s been less than two weeks since the Family Practice office called and asked me if I’d like an appointment to see a doctor. They just wanted to see where I was at with my treatment.

Well, I was told that my doctor GP (general practitioner) was leaving the office due to her residency being complete in July. July came and I still hadn’t made an appointment to get in there to see her before she left. Not because of me, mind you, because my husband had an eye doctor’s appointment and after that, his tooth decided to be in pain and he HAD to get that worked on, too.

So here we are in July and the Family Practice office called ME and asked if I’d like to make an appointment. She was a somber voiced woman sounding like the stress of the job was getting to her;  I said yes, taking whomever she picked for me. I thought she said I could see the PA (Physician Assistant) and we could discuss a referral maybe. I was scheduled for July 18th the woman said. 

I didn’t put much promise into the visit, all I wanted was one ray of hope. I’d say almost a month leading up to the visit were wrought with tears and angst, feeling abandoned by all doctors and just left out here to die. I think it came through in my previous posts and yes my friends knew something was bothering me.

I wasn’t sad because I thought this alternative route was failing, I knew things were working and I could feel it and literally SEE it. But I feel satan had his own plans in planting doubt and fear in my mind by the appearance of a lump in my RIGHT breast this time. Before you all jump to conclusions that my disease is spreading allow me to tell you. 

Consistency.  When I was a kid and even throughout my adult years of menstruating my breasts were lumpy Lil buggers, that is why this disease went unrecognized for so long. The lump, the cancerous one, was hard as a marble and grew over the months. The one on my right feels like a spongy little fella, moves around, making me think this is the difference in a cyst and a tumor.  

Just so you know, I SEE visual differences and this one obviously drew concern at first but then I remembered all I’m dealing with, stress, life, heat, monsters creeping under my bed. Okay no monsters, I just wanted to see if you were still paying attention. You get the picture, I know. This is not a journey I would wish on my worst enemy! But I’m barreling through like a champ and am even wondering some days where I’m getting this strength! (Trust me, I KNOW where I get the strength from.)

I’ve never lost sight of the Lord and with every tear that dripped onto the floor I knew, God was right there catching them for me. Then the eighteenth came and the doctor visit was at hand. No expectations in the least. I thought I was seeing a PA and getting a referral. I know what I had prayed for but I was willing to wait a little longer for the answer.

But it came, an answer to my prayer. You all know for six months (on the 25th) what I’ve endured, encountered, been hit with from the doctors, all of my illnesses and I do believe you all have been praying the same thing for me. When the M.D., (yup, not a PA) came into the room, introducing herself as the doctor and asked me what I was looking for I told her straight up, I need blood tests done to check for any vitamin deficiency or any other tests she could run. 

She asked me why I chose not to go the chemo route, I told her, I don’t believe in chemo, it has killed too many in my family and I NEED to try something else, I have a lot of nieces that might need to see another route to take one day. I told her, I don’t want to die from chemo and that is basically what I’d be doing if I went that route. I also said that if none of this works and I die because it didn’t work, it is MY choice, MY body and MY death on my hands, no one else’s.

She asked if I’ve done any research on this method of healing and I basically gave her the rundown of my research for the past six months, she listened, asked questions and nodded in agreement. I never at one time felt like I was off my rocker. She looked at me as an equal not down on me as if she was the all powerful Oz. Even when I mentioned CBD oil (cannabis oil) she sounded interested. I told her of all of the success stories I’ve read, about THOUSANDS of people healing and being CURED, not just hundreds.

I threw names around like The Truth About Cancer, Chris Wark of Chris Beat Cancer to Dr. Hoxsey, founder of the Oasis of Hope in Tijuana, Mexico and the Vitamin C treatments being done in Colorado. She looked intrigued and didn’t roll her eyes or throw her arms in the air once, brushing me off. Instead, she said the words I longed to hear, “I can run some tests.” Tears started to well in my eyes, but I didn’t allow them to flow over. I said, “I think I love you right now.” She chuckled then went on to tell me she’d test my B12 levels, C and D levels, bone density and liver and the other organs, and as she was speaking I zoned out silently praising God, thanking Him for answering my prayers. “…lab.” That’s all I heard, I think I was in shock.

I did hear her say it could take a few days, maybe by Friday for results. I was just sitting in shock. I know I became quiet and couldn’t believe what was happening. My husband who I took into the office for support was kind of shocked too.

She did ask if I wanted to get a colonoscopy, and all of the other internal test and I told her, please let me get to know you first. Allow me one thing at a time; this is all so overwhelming. I thanked her profusely, gave her a firm handshake and off I went to the lab with a smile on my face and a sunbeam in my hand.

I only prayed for one ray of hope…my God gave me an entire SON! 

The following verse is what greeted me this morning. All praise and Glory to Him! 

Pss. 24: 3-6 “Who shall ascend into the hill of the Lord? or who shall stand in his holy place? He that hath clean hands, and a pure heart; who hath not lifted up his soul unto vanity, nor sworn deceitfully. He shall receive the blessing from the Lord, and righteousness from the God of his salvation.

A New Way Of Living

Prov. 28:1 (KJV) “The wicked flee when no man pursueth: but the righteous are bold as a lion.” 

A New Way Of Living

When I first went to the doctor in January (and successive doctors) they all seemed to ask the same questions of me and one of the main symptoms of this disease surfaced, “Have you experienced rapid weight loss?” 
“Nope, I sure haven’t; I’ve been a pretty steady weight person not rapidly gaining or losing."
“Bleeding?”
“Nope.”
“Leakage?”
“Nope.” Nothing about me said I had this disease but here I am, four months later battling the disease of a lifetime. 

Everything changed on January 25, 2017. That was the day of my diagnosis; the day my world flipped upside down and everything changed for me. I would never be the same person again after this day. I would be a new tried and true transfiguration of the old me in the coming months. I would be the same me but physically, spiritually and mentally everything would be thrust into overdrive and I’d be in the race of my life, for my life.

While people are out there in the world trying every weight loss concoction imaginable from Slim Fast to Weight Watchers, to Jenny Craig, so you can spend hundreds of dollars on their product to lose the weight you’ve struggled your life to lose. From pills to shakes to patches, everything under the sun is used to promote these products. Do you know the one thing that is cheap and isn’t readily accepted? Change in the diet! A new way of living.

While I don’t know or understand the struggles of losing weight I am not one to inform you on the nutrition craze of the race I’m in. Promote nutrition? When doctors across the world are promoting drugs and pills, surgery, and lifelong commitments to their ‘programs of pharma’, the people who promote nutrition and health are laughed and scoffed at, only because we live in a world of quick fixes.

Yesterday I faced and overcome a battle I knew would take place. I did not allow fear to have me flee, instead, I faced a Q&A from the family. My hubby’s aunt and three uncles were in town from different parts of the U.S. for their yearly get together on Memorial Day and while I didn’t want to be a part of a Memorial Day cookout, his aunt had told me at the wedding a couple of weeks ago, that she’d come out to my house to see me if we didn’t come to the cookout. We went to his moms on Sunday instead where we chatted.

His aunt asked all of the questions, from what are you eating, why no nuts, to my stance on no chemo. I was okay with it, I didn’t feel intimidated or persecuted instead I felt love and compassion. This is the awesome family I never had as a child and I am blessed to even be in their lives. 

I told them how I’m utilizing my Frankincense and soon to be added Myrrh, which is still under clinical studies (and will be for many more years) as to the promise in treating this dastardly disease. I told his, sound biblical family, how the wise men brought these things to Jesus at His birth because these elements would be used at His death, they knew because they were Wise Men. *Chuckle chuckle laugh laugh.*

His family sat mesmerized and quite amazed at my transformation in four months and his aunt offered, you’ve really done your research. I mentioned once again that I’m a writer and that is what we do so we can bring you the most knowledgeable information we have. We try to bring you the truth as we know it so our writing holds credibility. She was pleased. His aunt with the cherubic face was pleased. 

It was an informative weekend as I learned that his aunt, who is eighty or nearing it, who drives from South Dakota to visit her family in Nebraska, was also having medical issues of her own, and that she was a STUDENT OF TAI CHI! 

I left feeling good about the visit and the only thing I feel I left hanging was the error of them assuming I’m against medical intervention where health is concerned. I need my writing community to understand I am not against MEDICINE or the medical community because I KNOW people are still alive today BECAUSE of the drugs they are given by the doctor! What I AM against is the doctors closed minds to anything nutritious that would benefit you. There are doctors out there willing to work with you, but where I am? They’re far and few between!

Like his aunt taking Tai Chi. She said that the class was held, ironically, at a Cancer Center and it is offered to patients (cancer and otherwise) at a reduced rate, to HELP them with what they are experiencing medically. Since moving is not an option, I have to try whatever works for me out here in the middle of nowhere.

While people are out in the world struggling with their weight and other health issues, they’d much rather sink hundreds if not thousands of dollars in programs that are essentially a quick fix to what really ails them and that is their HEALTH! It can all be changed by CHANGE in your diet! There are herbal remedies for thinning your blood, there are herbal diuretics, homeopathic remedies that could possibly eliminate your heart medication and so much more is out there waiting for you to harvest. 

I’m not against the medical community, I’m against them not giving you the entire spectrum of what will heal you. I’m against lies and deception. Whether that is the medical community, political community and yes, even the religious community. I’m against the wicked machinations of them trying to relinquish me to a trembling fear-laden woman. I’d rather fight like a LION and come out roaring. If I live or die in the process, I can say I didn’t succumb to conformity. The easiest not-so-easy diet doesn’t cost a lot of money, it cost a new way of LIVING!

Gen. 6:12 “And God looked upon the earth, and, behold, it was corrupt; for all flesh had corrupted his way upon the earth."

I'm Gonna Let It Shine

1 Peter 1:7 “That the trial of your faith, being much more precious than of gold that perisheth, though it be tried with fire, might be found unto praise and honour and glory at the appearing of Jesus Christ:”

I’m Gonna Let It Shine

Do you have a goal in life? I never really was a goal setter and I don’t know if that is a good thing or a bad thing. I have since a young girl of about fourteen always had a plan, kind of, and that was for people to see Christ in me. 

You might say, well weren’t you a drug addict and alcoholic? And I would quite bluntly and honestly admit that yes, yes I WAS. BUT here’s the thing, people always saw God in me. Comments like, “Oh she’s that God person”, or “Don’t ask her for advice, she’ll give you a sermon.” stuck with me. I went through life thinking, I’m a God person, and that is what people see in me, even in my darkest days, they see a Light.

As an adult, in hindsight, I see that it wasn’t my plan after all; I think seeing God in me has been His plan all along. While being dragged through coals of fire, being darkened by pain and strife, I always saw God. People would often wonder how I could see God through raging storms of hell. Again, quite bluntly I responded with, “Because He never lets me down.”

Drug addiction and alcoholism didn’t break me, being sexually abused didn’t taunt me, the loss of two children didn’t crack me like an egg, I plowed on refining my light so that the world would see the brilliance shining from me. 

Last week I went to WalMart. I was standing inside as I waited for hubby to park the car. It was a chilly rainy day so I opted for being let off at the door instead of walking in the rain. I stood inside and my eye caught an older lady and man as they passed me. She had an ear-to-ear smile as our eyes met, then her hand went to her husband's arm as she was gently nodding towards me. Did she know me? Recognize me, what? I didn’t recognize her but I smiled back.

As I walked through the store, I felt like I had a neon sign on my forehead because for some reason I noticed more and more people smiling at me. Not just the smirky kind of smile, smiles that said, I SEE you! What? It was an interesting shopping event, to say the least. This week I went shopping but this time I was going to notice what and why the smiles were there.

I realized that I had a smile on my face for every passer-by. Whether a crotchety old woman, a disgruntled older man, a mom with a screaming child, I had a smile for each and every one of them and they could do nothing more but to look at me, and smile back!

My ego would say, oh yeah, I’m all that. But the portion of a realist in me says, they see me; they see CHRIST in me. Instead of looking at people and forming a judgment in my mind, ‘she wore THAT’, ‘she needs to lose weight’, or ‘take a chill pill dude’, I looked with an intense gaze and thought, GOD, BLESS YOU!

I think the drastic change in my diet has caused my mind to expand on some metaphysical level; I see God in everything. Yes, this has always been parts of me but lately, it is ALL of me not just a portion of me.   

It’s not easy looking intently into someone’s eyes and seeing their pain, like the crotchety old woman who had a bit of road rage on the way to the store. I offer a smile. To the grumpy older man who was hesitant in getting out of bed and going shopping on his own because he NEEDED his medication, I offer my smile. To the man who has a bit of impatience brewing while waiting in a long line, I smile and let him go ahead of me, silently blessing each and every one as they pass. 

Can you imagine what kind of world we’d live in if every person took it upon themselves to bless people? I know the world is set on destruction but individuals can make a difference by shedding a light in all the dark places. They’re everywhere you walk, they’re in every person you have eye contact with, bubbling under the surface, with a light and a smile, the anger can be dispelled.

My General Practioner’s office called the other day, Ashley said, “Dr. *** wanted me to call and see how you’re doing and if you need anything.” 

I said, “I’m doing GREAT! I didn’t go to chemo and I’m feeling GREAT!”

July is my sixth-month marker and I was informed the doctor will be leaving in July since she’s finished up her two-year residency. I told Ashley, I’d make a well patient visit before the doctor left. I WILL go and shine the light for all to see! Test or no test, this little light of mine, I’m gonna let it shine! Let it shine, let it shine, let it shine!!!

I thought I’d share this for you to keep in mind:
From the Purpose Driven Life: “The Bible often compares trials to a metal refiner’s fire that burns away the impurities. Peter said, “These troubles come to prove that your faith is pure. This purity of faith is worth more than gold.” (1 Peter 1:7) A silversmith was asked, “How do you know when the silver is pure?” He replied, “When I see my reflection in it.” When you have been refined by trials, people can see Jesus’ reflection in you. James said, “Under pressure, your faith-life is forced into the open and shows its true colors.” (James 1:3).”

James 1:3  “Knowing this, that the trying of your faith worketh patience.”

Omaha on hold...

"Rejoice with them that do rejoice, and weep with them that
weep."Romans 12:15

***

My friends and followers have all been following the story of my beau’s blindness. As you may know, he was scheduled to go back to Omaha again today, but  he canceled the appointment yesterday.

Back in September, we were really excited to find out that the Lion’s Club was willing to pick up the tab. Lion lady told us that they would pay for the visits leading up to and follow-up visits. Excitement gathered as everyone couldn’t wait to hear the good news, that beau would see again!

That September visit didn’t go as planned. We got the news that one eye had shut down completely with no chance of seeing from again. The retina had begun to detach. The right eye, possibilities. The doctor didn’t look too optimistic to me as I sat across the room watching as he studied intently the two eyes. An ultrasound was needed. He said, “If we do the right eye, there’s about a fifty percent chance of success, which isn’t bad, but there are other factors, like this eczema, and your allergies.  I can’t guarantee the transplant will be 100% success or even 60%. Let’s get the ultrasound and I’ll know more.”

We both left the office in silence. My heart ached, and beau said nothing all the way home, except, “Lets eat.” We ate in silence. I could feel the cloud of disappointment lingering, and I had to drive and get us home. Tears kept filling my eyes, but we made it.
Silence.

A month passed and we had the appointment in October for the ultrasound. Hope clutched in our hands! We were in the office ten minutes after a four hour drive, only to turn right back around to go back home. We never saw the doctor, we just saw the lady who does the ultrasound.

Not much time passed and someone from the office called and said that they could operate on the right eye. With the success rate that the doctor had pointed out. Okay, now hope is back. One eye is better than none, even if it’s for one day of sight, this is a go! We were a little excited, but I still felt some form of apprehension on beau’s part. More tests need to be done.

A few days later lion lady called and said, “I hear you’re getting the operation, just let me know the day you go in so I can let my people know.” We hadn’t been given a date to ‘go in’, we were not even told anything to that affect. He was told, “More test are needed but there is potential.”

Mixed communication. Lion lady is saying one thing(we’ll pay it all) others are saying other things (they’ll pay for the op and that’s all) and all this info is rendering beau apprehensive to the point where he just doesn’t even care if he gets this operation. What started off as feeling right, now feels as if everything is going wrong. He's like a pressure cooker about to explode. Too much pressure and *KABOOM*.

Does he want to see again? YES! We all want him to see again. But it is not up to me or anyone else. He’s a grown man and can make his own decisions. I NEVER give my opinion, this is for HIM and him alone to decide. Does he want all this confusion? NO! So he has decided to take matters into his own hands! HE will choose a doctor, go and get their opinion, in April he will have medicare and if this is meant to be, he will have this done.

Is time of the essence? I don’t know what that means. It has been a year and a half, so what is five more months? Will his eye be any healthier in April? Well, there should be as much percentage of success in April as there is today. No one knows! Only the Man Upstairs.

This is a bag of mixed emotions I just wanted to toss out to those who have followed, prayed and stood by in support of us.
 
I Thank You!

It is important to distinguish between opinion and judgment. Opinions open us up, judgments close us down.