Spiritually Speaking

1 Cor. 1:26 "For ye see your calling, brethren, how that not many wise men after the flesh, not many mighty, not many noble, are called:"

Spiritually Speaking

The day I came home from my first round of chemo, my body felt like it was pulled out of an ice chest, set in the car, and told to go home and fend for yourself. Basically, that is what happened when the lady behind the desk looked at me stupidly and asked, “Is that all for today?” I’m not a cursing woman but I’m sure my eyes poked hers out with the daggers I was slinging at her.

Luckily, I had taken a small blanket that Steven quickly wrapped around me as he saw the chills were getting the best of me as he buckled me in the truck. Yeah, you’re at the whim of everyone when this takes place and luckily I got one of those good men that can handle taking care of me. 

But the white dove… when he made an appearance earlier in the week, I knew he was spiritually telling me that things were going to be alright. I haven’t seen him since mind you. Things just didn’t feel like they were all going to be okay at this moment as every bone jingled, every tooth chattered, and tears, well, of course, they were not in short supply, they overflowed my eyes like the Niagara Falls!

I got home, was helped into the house, helped into my pajamas (with a hefty blanket wrapped around me, mind you) and laid back on the bed. I fell asleep instantly. I woke to pee a couple of hours later, took a pain pill then it was back to sleep until the next day. 

The next day I woke to feel very stiff, hungry as all get out because a pretzel was the gist of my food the day prior, and I felt like I was in the Cone of Silence, I spoke in whispers, and no one heard. I was in a fog. Luckily Steven had off that day because I would’ve been no good to take care of myself. Honestly, a couple days passed before I can say I consciously remember what happened.  

I wasn’t hit with a ton of side effects and chills were the main thing on the day of treatment, to look out for. I was told they’d call and see if everything was alright on Friday but it was Tuesday before they called and asked if I had found the bottle of poison I passed on months ago. It was an Estrogen blocker but the side effects were worse than the chemo Herceptin and I quite clearly told her I was not comfortable with taking them. I found an alternative blocker and told her that THIS is what I’m taking, the only side effect was a possible headache. I’m okay with that.  The doc didn’t understand why I wasn’t willing to take a prescription DRUG with an arm's length of side effects including liver damage, possible heart damage, hair loss, and a lot of other losses I just am not willing to gamble with! He needs to see the bottle of what I’m taking and I’ll show it to him, next week on my second trip of a ten-year dance with chemo. (The Doc is a he, Navigator is a she)

I knew my birthday was coming up and I was so glad to finally relax and have a ray of light shine in my window after the floods and snow absorbed my mind and chemo stole my positive line of thinking. I was losing hope and this is not something I’m familiar with! It is totally foreign to me! I’m upbeat and overflowing with positivity! 

Thursday would be a Joni day! My son was coming out to see me to give me my gift, (because he’d be working on my birthday) and my mother in law wanted to come out and see me too, because on Saturday my nephew, her grandson, was getting married. I haven’t seen her since Christmas, so that would be nice. I wanted to hear how the flood affected her little town that made National News for the first time in their lives I imagine. She had not seen any of my progress since December and I’ve come along way since then. She had no idea about my choice of doing chemo. She had company the week before and I was too shaken by the events to rain on her parade so I kept it personal. Okay, my online friends knew more than my family, just so you know!

My son got me an awesome sketch pad and an extremely nice pencil set so I can get back into my sketching. I need to refocus on something more than Facebook and just writing about the Big C. I need to focus on my passions and love! My drawing, my poetry, my gift. My story, my husband and my son are number one in my life so I need to focus on caring for them, but also nurture the passions and gifts that God gave me. My M-I-L brought me a card with money (always needed and helpful) and a soft cuddly bear with inspirational words attached to her ribbon. I named her Harmony, a grayish bear with one black ear! A precious addition to my growing stuffed family.

I was slowly feeling uplifted, but I needed to be careful because one thought, one memory could just knock me down. Saturday, my birthday arrived, I was going out to enjoy my day and have Chinese food! Woohoo! I’m on a strict protocol but sometimes the strictness binds me and it gets me down. It would take a knock on my door and a beautiful flower from someone many miles away to boldly lift my spirits! Online friends who can reach your front door with acts of kindness need their own special blessing because I’m telling you, it started a snowball of an all-around good day!!! Thank you! 

At the Chinese restaurant, I got the garden medley. My goodness, green pepper, broccoli, mushrooms, onions, carrots, and more in a nice sauce, with rice on the side! It had been gray and dreary and my one wish, my one prayer was for some sun not only for my birthday but for my nephew who was getting married outside at his family's home where he grew up. He wanted a special day as much as I did. As I walked out the door to go on my adventure, the sun came out!!!  Bright and beautiful with a little blue sky in the mixture. It was going to be a great day! What a meal I had! I bet it was a really nice wedding, too. Because of my disability, I like to spare people the burden of coddling me when something more important than me is taking place. 

I was feeling hopeful but I’m telling you it only takes one thing and wham, I’m down. Sunday it would be my talk to my mother. She is so depressing. She says over and over how lonely she is, how she has nothing to live for, life is not worth living, etc. etc. NO, no one can get through to a woman who all her life was dedicated to her husband and nothing else. Of course she has nothing to live for, with him gone, she literally has nothing. It’s sad and it brings me down, and she has NO IDEA of what I’m going through.

Monday came and I was trying to pick myself back up! I woke, cleaned myself up, got dressed, exercised, ate fruit, washed clothes and I was well on my way to a brighter day, even if the sun wanted to play hide and seek every single day! Adam visited and it was a good day, exhausting but good. I needed rest. I normally set myself by the front window with my computer but I was so exhausted by six o’clock I decided to just go lay in bed and meditate. I took my computer and instead of surfing, writing, or anything else, I chose meditative sounds to help me calm my nerves and the loss I had been feeling.

I had not realized thirty minutes had passed but I opened my eyes after a relaxing prayerful meditation and just sighed. It was a good sigh and then I caught something out of the corner of my eye. Something was saying to look out the window. The curtains were drawn but a couple of slats of the mini-blind were open. I saw something white. A mound of snow? No, it moved. Must be my white dog, Riley. No, it’s too white to be her. I jumped up not believing what I thought it was, a duck, so I made my way to peek out the window.
“My dear sweet Jesus, it’s a duck!” A BIG WHITE duck and a small black one were nestled on my lawn. Just sitting there looking around as if dazed.

My husband jumped from his chair and came in to see. He couldn’t believe the white dove and now a duck? He was scratching his head too! We both made our way to the back of the house so we could see with camera in hand what we were seeing! There they were Yin/Yang I thought. A big white duck and a small black duck.

From Wikipedia: “In Chinese philosophy, yin and yang is a concept of dualism in ancient Chinese philosophy, describing how seemingly opposite or contrary forces may actually be complementary, interconnected, and interdependent in the natural world, and how they may give rise to each other as they interrelate to one another.”

Hope was speedily returning to me. Could this be the push I needed to get me through another session of chemo next week? When Tuesday came I was almost afraid the hope would be gone but it was still there. And when hubby checked the mail there was a THANK YOU from the wonderful ladies of Physical Therapy with a thank you card. I had framed a poem and gave it to them for their office and they thanked me for that ‘blessing’ and so much more, my genuine thoughtfulness, my spunkiness, and the laughter I brought to them. I had made my mark as I apparently do. 

I read something this morning by Max Lucado: When Joseph, Mary’s husband, was asked to do something for God, instead of saying NO,  “Joseph obeyed. God used him to change the world.  He does the same with us.  Be a modern day Joseph.  God will use you to bring Jesus into the world.”

I think I found my calling. I’m listening, Lord! I’m listening. 

Breasts

Pss.22:9 “But thou art he that took me out of the womb: thou didst make me hope when I was upon my mother's breasts.”

Breasts...the title alone got you to click

I imagine since the beginning of time, breast were being obsessed over just as they are this day and age. I imagine Eve tiptoeing toward Adam with her head hung low after biting the apple and having sex with satan and enticing Adam with the apple so he could see what she saw. 

His first bite opened his eyes and pierced his soul and what was the first thing his eyes beheld? Breasts, the alluring nakedness of her sensuous curves had him wanting her in a sexual manner. And there you have it, man has never gotten his soul returned to him. This is the very lust that man and woman must fight.

Today man objectifies, ogles, lusts, breathes and pants heavy just looking at breasts. Whether they are real or fake, small or big, round or sagging, men lust after breast. What they don’t lust after is the reality of all that breast really are. 

If the breasts are fake, man doesn’t see the scars that it took to make them that way, or the pain and stitches the woman had to endure so he would look at her and pay her any sort of attention. Without those fake breasts, she is just another woman in the garden.

If they are real, men don’t see what the woman has to go through with wires poking them to keep them up, or what pain a woman lugs around as they get too heavy to carry causing all sorts of back pains, or the natural way gravity takes a hold of them pulling on them making them look like dried grapes hanging on the vine. 

No, while the female anatomy is an obsession to man it is the very heart of motherhood. Breast are to sustain an infant's life. They are not to sustain a man and his libido but I digress…

Prov. 5:19 “Let her be as the loving hind and pleasant roe; let her breasts satisfy thee at all times; and be thou ravished always with her love.” 

We have objectified women for centuries.

Cant. 8:10 “I am a wall, and my breasts like towers: then was I in his eyes as one that found favour.”

From pin-up gals to Victoria Secrets runway shows, women are to be objectified in today’s society never looked at as part of the human species. I’m curious, do men objectify their mother? Do they see her as a sexual, sensuous being that has had sex with their father? No, they see her as their life-giving nurturer who sustained their very life and breadth of being, nothing more. But when men are grocery shopping, what is it that grabs your eyes at the checkout counter; exposed skin of a woman more than likely, not Field and Stream or a National Geographic magazine.

From Marilyn Monroe to Dolly Parton, from Farrah Fawcett, Daisy Duke to the today’s obsession of the Kardashian clan. No one thinks to see the breasts as carriers of cysts, or dormitories for cancer cells, or over-bearing back-breaking hindrances, no they only see what the images titillate the eye with, they never see an entire picture of the shell being portrayed.

Ezek. 17:7 “I have caused thee to multiply as the bud of the field, and thou hast increased and waxen great, and thou art come to excellent ornaments: thy breasts are fashioned, and thine hair is grown, whereas thou wast naked and bare.”

Which brings me to the reason for a much-needed doctor’s appointment. Cysts, tumors or something out of the ordinary has taken over my left breast. Yeah, that’s something to be looked at, a lop-sided woman. I should fear this event in almost every woman’s adult life but instead, I’m empowered to bring you my journey. 

Hos. 9:14 “Give them, O LORD: what wilt thou give? give them a miscarrying womb and dry breasts”.

I find it quite amazing that God places hindrances in your life for you to admirably overcome to only toss another one in to see how you handle THAT one. It’s like a one-two punch that you hear about but seriously don’t ever want to experience or have to live through.  

I also find it quite confounding to go through almost three years of blindness with hubby to watch the success of the miracle of him regaining his sight only for my body to take a mystifying fall almost immediately after his sight returned. I strongly supported him, now it is his turn to be my Hercules and support me. This is me and the journey of my life.

And so the story goes… Monday an ice storm is going to hit this area we live in and it looks like something is going to try and hinder me finally being looked at to find out what has taken over my body. As I said, I could be down, sad and scared but instead, I am amazed that I am worth this much trouble for God to choose ME to carry this to YOU! Praise be to God!

Keep me in your prayers as the story continues not without surprises and twists and turns. 

2 John 1:10 “If there come any unto you, and bring not this doctrine, receive him not into your house, neither bid him God speed:”

Don't Give Up!

Pss.4:1 “Hear me when I call, O God of my righteousness: thou hast enlarged me when I was in distress; have mercy upon me, and hear my prayer.”

So many mornings I rise from bed forgetting I’m disabled and I stumble out of the bedroom door almost tripping over my sleeping dog. When my eyes fully open and the pain kisses me good morning, I remember I’m disabled and go over what it means to me on that given day.

I could return to the bedroom, plop down on the bed and pull the covers over my head but I won’t allow myself to get to that place where I don’t want to face the day. I’m not giving up that easy. I don’t know if it is right or wrong but I start to think of the people who have it so much worse than me.

There are people who wake up and need assistance getting up. There are people who need an aid with them twenty-four hours a day. What I’m saying is that there are people much worse off than me and here I am dealing, okay?

I’m here to tell you, DON’T GIVE UP! There is always, someone somewhere out there dealing with a life that is much worse than the one you’re dealing with. Often it doesn’t feel like there could be anyone or anything out there in the world with a situation or health problem worse than yours but really look around you, intently digging for someone who is a little worse off, or extremely worse off. 

It can be as extreme as the homeless man living under the bridge in a cardboard box with sores crawling up his body that needs medical attention but is not getting the help he needs. It could be the single lady down the street with a full-time job, and five kids who doesn’t have enough food to feed the family and no husband/father around to assist. It could also be someone as simple as the man raging passed you on the road, eager to leave you in his dust, that is worse off than you. 

When we’re off climbing our own mountain, struggling with each step, we rarely look around us to take note of who might have it worse off than us. Imagine climbing a mountain in a wheelchair. You might see it as impossible to do any climbing but to the person in a wheelchair, they’re climbing mountains on a daily basis that you or I might have thought impossible. 

It’s all in perception. We live in a world where everyone is always thinking about themselves and how bad it is for them. From a selfish perspective, they are worse off than ANYONE they look at when in reality, there is always someone struggling just a little bit harder than you.

About a month ago, my mother-in-law unintentionally hurt my feelings. I had said how uneasy I felt with my husband and son off at work and I’m alone to do ALL of the chores (in my disabled capacity) especially mowing the lawn. “Well, I mow my own lawn.” Yes she knows of my inability to walk well and yes she knows my age but she was comparing me to her, an almost 70-year-old. 

It hurt only in the fact that I sat envious for a moment. Like when hubby and I went to WalMart and I sat in the car under a shade tree. I watched as older women unloaded their groceries from the cart into their vehicle. I sat with tears welling in my eyes; I sat with a tissue in hand pacifying the tears and pitying myself. 

After getting over myself I fought! I fought tooth and nail not to see myself as a weak individual! Sure the immense ninety-degree heat would hinder my outside chores but I would not allow anything to hinder my inside chores! I can write, vacuum, wash clothes, cook, clean; I can do a lot of stuff others only wish they could do and instead of pity, they have my empathy. I totally relate to all you can and cannot do on a new level.

Instead of resentment of the older folk doing more than me, I now felt contentedness in knowing that God is taking care of them and has enabled them to do and live as long as they have. They’re out there overcoming the mountain and it filled me with delight. Just so you know, God is taking care of me too, just in a different way and I’m okay with that. 

I remember years ago when I had to take care of my grandmother after she had a stroke. She was wheelchair bound and full of negativity and actually resented me for my peppiness and positive view on life. Here I was full of life and she felt her over active lifestyle was taken away at too young an age, she was eighty when she had her stroke, and she gave up trying almost immediately after being released from the Physical Therapy Hospital she had been placed.

Years later while on her deathbed when I called to speak to her, (I was in Texas, a million miles away it seemed) she asked for my forgiveness in the way she had treated me when I cared for her. She was remorseful and she let me know that she loved me but she was now afraid to die. Her not having a religious bone in her body, I assured her that God would take care of her and I felt with every fiber of my being, that He would/did! 
“How do you know?” she asked. 
“He doesn’t give up on anyone!” I assured her.

I felt confident in saying that God doesn’t give up because it is my faith to believe. If you don’t give up, God surely won’t give up on you in your desperate time of need. In self-pity, in selfish envy, in pride and shame, He doesn’t give up, nor should YOU!

Matt. 18:33 “Shouldest not thou also have had compassion on thy fellow servant, even as I had pity on thee?”

CRASH!

Those were the days

circa 2004

Isa. 63:9 “In all their affliction he was afflicted, and the angel of his presence saved them: in his love and in his pity he redeemed them; and he bare them, and carried them all the days of old.”

Living with a disability is like a car crash. At the scene, you’re taken to the hospital and released after being checked over but sometimes you have to live with a new unexpected disability. People today take for granted waking each day and going on with their normal routine. They brew their coffee, take a shower and sit at their desk all without incident.

As I was writing this, this morning before clicking save on my document, it crashed! Microsoft is looking into the issue is what became displayed on my screen instead of the words I had just written. Gone, the document was lost never to be retrieved. That’s what happened to me when I became one of the chronic illness survivors, I lost something never to be returned.

A person with a disability does not have the same advantage as everyone else when they wake in the morning. Most wake with the routine of taking meds; coffee isn’t their first priority upon awakening. Getting out of bed without wincing in pain is a triumphant beginning of any day.

Here’s a loose synopsis of what it’s like having a disability: Imagine waking up and your computer is gone, fried, crashed. The computer was your life, your news, your accustomed way of living and your window to the outside world. You can live without the piece of equipment but now you’ll have to find ways around living without it in your life; you’d make a trip to the library until you realize it’s raining monsoon like rain so you say oh maybe tomorrow. 

Plans being thwarted become your new norm. Sure you can walk in the rain, some like walking in the rain, but the wind cutting raindrops into your skin you did not bargain for. You make plans to get around without your computer but when someone asks for an email address (asks for more info on your disability) and you say, “I don’t have a computer,” they look at you like you’re a Neanderthal.

“Do you have a smart phone?”  THEY have a smartphone. That’s like asking if your disability is the same as theirs?

“Yes, I have a phone.” Yes, I have a disability.

“Well go online from there.” 

“Um, I don’t have THAT kind of phone.” My disability is not the same as yours.

Again, the Neanderthal look that I’m getting used to seeing. I feel like they’re saying (but they’re not) “My disability is worse (better, medicated, easier) than yours.” 

I feel like saying, ‘do you take medication for your pain’ and when they respond with a loud YES, I couldn’t make it through a day without them, then I’d reply, well I don’t take meds, I live with my pain without medication. Then I’d stick out my tongue for good measure. Just kidding, I use humor to squelch most of my pain. 

Go to a doctor, get some medication, get a diagnosis. Really? So in other words, buy a new computer? Sometimes not everyone has the capability of buying a new web source. I know I have no way of buying a new body!

You’ll make plans to go to the library because you know they have a computer you can use but when you arrive the librarian announces, sorry but the internet is down for the day. That’s like affording a doctor visit only to be told the medication is an astronomical monthly, rest of your life, fee!

While the non-computer is a loose analogy and living without the computer would steer you into a new routine, that is what people with sudden chronic illnesses are forced into, a new routine that they had no plans for. Sure we’d all make different plans if we KNEW we were going to be disabled but plans are often made just to be broken. 

Maybe God is tired of the ordinary. Maybe He wants to shake up the world and see how people react, to see what kind of new familiarity we’d fall into, to see what kind of plans we’d make. Something was taken away from me and my fellow disabled friends, a normal take-for-granted-routine. 

I, and I imagine others, are no longer setting a methodical plan. We just wake and are happy to be alive. Meds or no meds, we get by another day trudging through the slime that impedes our pathway. We’re stronger and more resilient with what we generally go through on a daily basis.

So when I wake up with the intention of going outside to mow the lawn, I have to first survive getting out of bed. When I succeed I give the old fist pump and say YES! under my breath. Now, onto making a pot of coffee! Success, YES! Now onto making it into the shower without any incidences. Yes! Now the weather; is it cool enough for my back to be able to withstand an hour of mowing an enormous lawn? Yes! Will I suffer because of the challenge I overcame to get from point A to point B? I most certainly will but then I remember who is going to comfort me when the day is done. 

Pss. 72:3 “The mountains shall bring peace to the people, and the little hills, by righteousness.”

People take for granted the waking, the making of the coffee, the hopping in the shower, simply putting their clothes on one leg or arm at a time, when for people with disabilities, it’s a chore, a long drawn out painful obstacle.

When God places a challenge in front of you ie: heart attack, breast cancer, any illness or disability, the reason I feel it is there is for you to share with others HOW you overcame the unseen hindrance. The illness isn’t for you to hide and be ashamed of, that’s not doing any service for God it’s being selfish and thinking of only you. No, God wants you to rejoice in His saving grace. Each day is a hurdle that you’ve overcome, shout to the world a resounding YES! I made it another day! 

Prov.24:10 “If thou faint in the day of adversity, thy strength is small.”

Some people are empty of expression and to me, that is sadder than ANYTHING God tosses at me. I can live with pain, I can live with a wobble and a cane or a wheelchair, but I cannot live without my ability to express myself to the world how I’m blessed daily with overcoming my every day challenges. I can even live without a computer, my expression might reach you a little slower but only because I would be forced to take another route in seeing you receive my message. I can't live without my body.

If you’re in a bored ho-hum daily routine, actively seek to make a change, a simple change or a major one; either way if you do nothing, God will see to it you taste, touch, feel, hear, SEE His presence; even if you don’t acknowledge that it was Him. Eventually, you will crash. What will YOU do with a mountain in YOUR way?

Jer. 16:21 “Therefore, behold, I will this once cause them to know, I will cause them to know mine hand and my might; and they shall know that my name is The LORD.”

Peeve Of The Day ~ "Just Get Over It."

1 Pet. 4:12-13 “Beloved, think it not strange concerning the fiery trial which is to try you, as though some strange thing happened unto you: But rejoice, inasmuch as ye are partakers of Christ's sufferings; that, when his glory shall be revealed, ye may be glad also with exceeding joy.”

My peeve of the day? People minimizing pain.

“Just get over it.” 

“Suck it up, buttercup, life goes on.”

Yup, those words right there grate on my nerves like screeching nails on a chalkboard. Telling someone to just get over their pain, depression, or anxiety, whatever burden they bear or cross they carry is minimizing what they are going through on a daily basis. 

If you’ve been through the depths of hell and have come back to tell the world about your experience that’s just great, you’re the one human God has chosen to break the gates of hell but if you’ve suffered in similar pain as someone else, don’t minimize what they endure daily by telling them to just get over it because YOU survived a similar pain.

You don’t know the pain someone is going through unless you’ve walked in his or her shoes and I’m pretty sure no one has walked [metaphorically] in another person’s shoes. No, we are on our own path in life and while you may have comparable pain, similar circumstance, identical health issues, you need to know that the person enduring the affliction owns what is happening to them, it can’t be borrowed or stolen it has to be LIVED.

Offering sympathy is one thing but comparing your incident with their daily struggle takes away the healing that they have in place and the prayer that they utilize by making their illness seem like they will just ‘get over it’ when that is not the case at all. They need time to drink in the healing that they are going through so they can make plans for what they need to change (if anything) and possible routes they might take.

Can you imagine if we were all on the same exact journey? Life would be no fun that way and would we all arrive at the same destination? Of course not. Just because the journey was ‘similar’ does not mean they are the same. Life is like that sometimes, we all think we’re headed to heaven but we do nothing in our life to get us there.

Reading and believing the bible isn’t going to get you there. Attending church isn’t any assurance that heaven will be your end destination. People tend to be misinformed when they think that the outward appearance of being a Christian is going to get them into heaven. 

All Christians may ‘appear’ to be the same but that is the farthest thing from the truth. We all are different in our journeying path but the one thread that unites us in a genetic strand of life is the blood of Jesus Christ running through our veins. 

Our disability isn’t what bonds us together. Our illness doesn’t define who we are in the living world. Our outward appearance isn’t the link to an eternal heaven. The only thing from the physical realm that is universally ours that we carry into the spiritual realm is LOVE. Love binds us all. Without love, the path will lead straight to hell and there will be no coming back to tell us about it on twitter, or facebook or through images on Instagram. 

So before telling someone to just ‘get over it’, or to pray more, hope for more, be more to the world; dig into the depths of your soul and find the love that lives there. When you want to hate…find love. If you feel the need to compare…do it with love. When you find a burning fire in your soul…douse the flames with love. 

Love is one of the hardest paths to journey on. You might think it is a simple task but tapping into the well of love on a daily basis is a struggle we all must face. You can give someone directions but that doesn’t mean they’ll follow them. Just as life and the trying storms we muddle through; we own our journey, it is ours alone. We might all strive to get to the same destination but we’ll all take different routes to get there.

May the God of love bless you all!

1 John 4:16 “And we have known and believed the love that God hath to us. God is love; and he that dwelleth in love dwelleth in God, and God in him.”

Amen!

Feeling Hopeful Through the Pain

1 John 4:18 (NIV) “There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear, because fear has to do with punishment. The one who fears is not made perfect in love.”

*Hopeful*

Well, it’s been a pretty exhausting week for me. No, I haven’t been working myself too hard and I learned something really early in this disability and that is to 'know my limits'!!!

I go out early in the cool morning hours and water my garden and fill my birdbath. I pull any weeds I can without hurting my back and then I come inside to do the inside chores of washing clothes, ironing hubby’s work shirts, planning the meal for dinner (preferably not one that consists of the use of the oven) more times than not, in the summer months I use my slow cooker or make a nice refreshing pasta salad, or a tossed salad and some turkey wraps. 

After my chores, I start my writing, usually an inspirational blog post or something of that nature. Today is a hopeful day. I was so encouraged by my friends I woke yesterday feeling hopeful in my future of writing, blogging and just being alive. I got out early to water my plants, was enjoying the breeze so much I decided to wash my car, then when I finished I went inside to wash two loads of laundry. Hubby had gone food shopping at seven a.m to beat the heat, then he came home and sprayed for weeds, and as I washed the car, he whacked the weeds with a weed-whacker! He was on a weed killing mission, I can tell you that much. 

I came inside as it started to heat up outside washed some clothes and then began the afternoon by writing in the nicely air-conditioned house. I would every once in a while peek my head outside just to see how hot it was and by 5:30 it was 99 degrees with a heat index of 108!!! Wow, after living in Texas for six years you think I’d be used to the heat but this is an airless hot where you try to breathe and are reminded of what hell potentially feels like. 

I made a mistake in the midst of my euphoria and that was to try and get a fly off the back of my right leg using my pained left leg, not a good idea! I lifted my left leg backwards and used my foot to swat the blood-sucking varmint. It rendered me practically immobile when my left leg dropped by the inability to place any weight on my left foot and I was forced to stagger painstakingly inside to the heating pad. Yeah, how exciting is that to have to sit on a heating pad when you’re trying to get cool? And amid such a good day!

I often wonder why. Why me? Those thoughts often discourage me and my friend told me recently that it’s to bring you closer to God. You see, the people out there that just soar through life with nary a problem turn to God when they NEED Him and some people find that they don’t need him at all, they have their egos and they’re good with their not-a-care-in-the-world- life, but us who are always seeking God and want to be so close to Him that we fall asleep at night in His arms are usually the ones with the heaviest load to carry.

My daily pain brings me that much closer to God himself. No deed, no selfless act, no not-committing-all-ten of the commandments is going to bring me closer to God than my pain. 

When you’re suffering, the first thing you do, and yes even atheist have been known to do, is cry out dear God help me please, or dear sweet Jesus. Only because in some sense we know, that is the only comfort we’re going to get.

Now a lot of people have turned away from Christ because either they really don’t care if He exists, need PROOF that He exists, or don’t like the non-answer they get from Him. Allow me to tell you this, He has always answered me! Maybe not in the way I expected him to but yes, He has always answered me. Sometimes he tells me to be patient and wait, sometimes he says how about this instead? Yes, He always gives ME an answer.

So as I sit here literally crying in pain that my leg renders me, and asking God why? He gently nods – because you need me. Ahh… that was sweet. 

Jer. 15:18 “Why is my pain perpetual, and my wound incurable, which refuseth to be healed? wilt thou be altogether unto me as a liar, and as waters that fail?” < I question

He answers >Jer. 15:20 “And I will make thee unto this people a fenced brasen wall: and they shall fight against thee, but they shall not prevail against thee: for I am with thee to save thee and to deliver thee, saith the LORD.”

PRAISE BE TO GOD!

I Had a Bad Day...

Job 33:19 “He is chastened also with pain upon his bed, and the multitude of his bones with strong pain:”

I had a bad day…

If you’re looking for a happy-go-lucky post click a button that tells you to go to the next blog, this might not be worth reading for you today.

Yesterday I had a bad day. A good day to me is where I wake and can move without pain, that makes me happy. Tuesday I woke up and could move so I thought yay it’s going to be a good day. I always try to stay optimistic but here lately, I’ve lost all hope in optimism. With the world, with people, even with writing.

My body reacts to the extremely hot weather so much so my knees feel like balloons and if I try to do any outside activity they reach the bursting point and I have to return to the house and find solace sitting in front of the screen resting my knees but not my fingers. 

If you were one of those curious people who would ask a disabled person what is wrong with them, then I’d have to be honest and say, I don’t know. All of my vitality was sucked out of me as a Hoover vacuum went over my body and took most of the life out of me. Now I’m a barely walking zombie of sorts.

I live out in the middle of nowhere in the middle of the cornfields surrounding me in all directions. The only communication to the outside world is from my online friends and a daily call to my mother (twice on weekends). I can no longer drive because of my blurred vision so when my husband asked if I wanted to go to the mall Tuesday, I got excited, sure why not. (I often forget my disability and move full steam ahead without thinking, just ask my kneecap I cracked on the wall last week.)

I often feel like taking a walk into the cornfield until my legs buckle and just lie down and let the bugs eat me and wait for harvesting time when the big harvester of crops finishes off what is left of my body. Or walking through the woods and waiting for nightfall for the coyotes to come and devour me or maybe a mountain lion (who has been spotted in my area) would find me to be a good meal. No, I chose to go to the mall instead.

We get to the mall and no shopping carts, that make walking easier on me, are available at the mall. I made my way to the JCPenny door. Wow, I made it, now to make it allllllllll the way to the back of the store to the tiny shoe department. We must’ve gone up and down the two aisles of men shoes five times before it was declared, “I don’t see anything.” I know I’m a woman and should love to shop but I despise the event, even if it is online, I DON’T like shopping!

Let’s go to Shoe Express he says. He had seen the shoes he wanted online but here in the mall is the same store so they should be here, right? No, no they were not after hobbling all the way to the other side of the mall. We leave there without a purchase and pass another shoe store so we go in there. By this time the mall was slowly filling up with the bored-to-be-home-from-school-with-nothing-to-do people. Did you know people stare too long at imperfect people? Long glaring stares as if to say, “Is she faking or is she really wobbling, is she crippled, what?”

Another shoe store another no sale. I start making a beeline to the exit but we have to go through JCPenny because the truck was parked outside the entrance that we had come through. Great! The pain by this time was unbearable and my eyes started to water. No, wait, it wasn’t water, I made it to the truck, breathed a sigh of relief and began bawling my eyes out.

Now I’m throwing myself a pity party. I’m done, I’m just done watching the world go ‘round as I sit crippled unable to get help, for the pain, for a cure, for my life back. I wasn’t done living. I didn’t ask for it to be taken away and here I am hearing people complain because their pool water is too warm, that their A.C. is too cool, that their vacation wasn’t long enough, or that they’re tired from working too hard. The next step is a wheelchair, no other option for me but a wheelchair. (No the cane doesn't work for long walks.)

I sit here and stare out the window and watch the corn get taller and think to myself, maybe God will take me today, maybe I AM done. As the tears continue to roll down my cheek I realize, I made it home. I think I’ll wash clothes. No matter how making it through a day pains me, I’ll go on… God will be calling soon and I have to be ready to answer.

Pity party over...

Rev. 21:4 “And God shall wipe away all tears from their eyes, and there shall be no more death, neither sorrow, nor crying, neither shall there be any more pain: for the former things are passed away.”

My Own Little World

My Own Blessed Little World

1 John 4:16 “And we have known and believed the love that God hath to us. God is love; and he that dwelleth in love dwelleth in God, and God in him.”

Out here in the middle of nowhere, I sit in my own little world. People expect me to be absorbed in the virtual world but no, it serves no purpose in my life so I sit in my own little world tapping on keys writing to my hearts content. 

The mornings here in this springtime world are bathed in sunshine, after almost a month of gray clouds and rain. The crisp cool mornings are still upon us where a light jacket is needed in the morning but by afternoon, no jacket is required, just sun, grass, and endless fields.

The pivots are making their morning stroll releasing a mist to the newly planted fields. Big-wheeled tractors are making their morning rounds discharging a fertilizer to protect the greenery from insects. Then there are the cottonwood trees freeing the clumps of cotton-like substance landing on the ground looking like a newly fallen snow.

Then there is the insect world. The spiders have been awakened from their winter slumber, the flies are mounting an army to attack any living creature in their way, and the hummingbird moths have made their appearance on my Salvia bush. Butterflies flit off in the distance inspecting the newly bloomed Marigolds that resurface every year. Note that marigolds are not perennials but the mild winters have been protecting the seeds as they fell from last year and so I am blessed with hundreds of marigolds each season.

I was in a bit of depression a few weeks ago and my one friend asked me what was wrong. I didn’t really give him any clear answer but sure enough, a week later he prodded further and I told him I was healing. I had been down for who knows what reason but I was now working on myself and finding healing. That’s a friend, who senses when you’re down and actually cares enough to poke in your business to see what the problem is and checks up on you to make sure you’re doing okay. 

He assured me that I am blessed and it hit home. I began counting the blessings in my life instead of focusing on what I can’t do. You see, I’m not an idle person; I always like to be moving whether planting in my garden, digging up weeds, mowing, cleaning, and doing laundry or whatever. I type/write in the few minutes of rest that my disabled body needs, then I’m back up moving around. 

My disability gets me down a lot of the times. I don’t even know what the disability is but I do know if I was pulled over and asked to take a sobriety test I’d fail for my inability to walk a straight line and not from alcohol either. My vision isn’t too good either so I stopped driving for my safety and the other drivers, too. I was diagnosed with arthritis in my back but after reading the M.S. symptoms, I’m not going to rule that out.

After I throw myself a pity party, I find a healing place in counting my blessings. I know this doesn’t sound like a blessing but my neighbor finally mowed down her waist high grass. Her riding mower needed blade repair and a push mower that she bought (so that she could lose weight, she told me) was too hard for her so she had her riding mower repaired and spent four hours for three days out there in the sun, stirring up my allergies, but I was feeling blessed by not having to see the eyesore any longer.

On the cooler days, I take advantage of getting outside, in my own little world. Sometimes I mow (carefully, knowing my limits) sometimes I just sit out there watching trucks roll by, other times I’m out there, counting my blessings.

While many people are consumed with what they don’t have, what they HAVE to have, what they WANT and what they’ll spend their money on, I’m here in my own little world counting my blessings of all that I HAVE! Cherishing the fact that I have all that I NEED and want for nothing but cool nights so I can continue sleeping with my windows open and the breeze chilling me so much that the quilt is pulled up to my neck!

I know spring will end and summer will arrive, and in my own little world, that will be fine by me! I’ll just continue to count my blessings!

Deut. 28:2 “And all these blessings shall come on thee, and overtake thee, if thou shalt hearken unto the voice of the LORD thy God.”

Working Through Resentment

1 Sam. 2:3 “Talk no more so exceeding proudly; let not arrogancy come out of your mouth: for the LORD is a God of knowledge, and by him actions are weighed.”

Working Through Resentment

Working through resentment is a tough pill to swallow. It is so hard to just forgive and let go but this is truly what I’m trying to do, if only the pain didn’t go so deep. I feel like I’m swimming in an ocean with no life preserver and I’m sinking due to the weight of resentment laying heavy on me at this time. 

I resent having to eliminate much of my facebook feed to only see three or four friends that I KNOW aren’t out to butt kiss and show off. They’re actual people with things to say and post things of actual interest to me. I think the root of the problem is my actual resentment towards facebook for not being a friendly place anymore and just being a load of political zombie garbage that no one wants to take out, they just dump it in the ocean and swim. 

“You must not lose faith in humanity. Humanity is like an ocean; if a few drops of the ocean are dirty, the ocean does not become dirty.” 

― Mahatma Gandhi

Who would’ve thought that Gandhi would be helping me out in this? Not me that’s for sure but I don’t judge a man because of his faith and religion and I admire a man of words, real words. But I’m sure there is someone out there ready to chide me for my choices. Oh well, such is life.

“With each opportunity before me, God presented me with a choice. I could accept His offerings, His wisdom, His grace. Or I could choose to hold onto the pain, the anger and the resentment a little longer.” 

― Sharon E. Rainey

I could go on and on of the list of the resentment war path that has curled up inside of me like a snake warming itself but seriously I’d rather work through the resentment and find a healing place where I can find solace and be free to think of my own fruition instead of having to daily build walls. But please know I do have someone ready to clean up the mess I leave behind. God is by my side all the way and I find He wants this healing from me too. He’s brought along the shovel so as we climb the mountain together we can shovel this mess over the side of a cliff and release it to the air.

I can in good conscience say this didn’t all start with the political postings that get on my last nerve, no this began when I lost my father and I’ve had a hard time dealing with the surfacing of resentment that bubbled up from the pit. 

Mrs. Peppity-Pep Goodie-two-shoes is pooped out. I’m tired, I’m done. I just can’t put on the brave face and act like nothing bothers me when here lately looking at me the wrong way will get you your head chopped off. People reach out their hand only to pull it back (fear of it being chopped off?) People know of my disability but they expect so much more than my pea brain can manage. They want to help but do nothing. How is offering to help someone by a few words helping someone, with no follow through?

My friends, I’ve said it before and I will say it time and time again that actions speak louder than words. Your actions hurt people more than help. I was already struggling not to go down into the pit but add the hate-spewers to the mix and they forced me into the pit like dunking my head under water and holding it there. Thank you. Now go on with your life pretending to be who you are not and feel good about yourself. Just know that your ignorance shines brighter than ANY scripture you can post. The bad/evil does not outweigh the good. 

I wanna be the one to walk in the sun, oh yeah, I just wanna have fun. Oh yeah I just wanna have fun. ~ similar to Cyndi Lauper’s, Girls Just Wanna Have Fun. 

Am I still grieving? No, my dad is at peace and I find peace in knowing he is safe and happy. Am I depressed? Yes, the world suffocates me and I’m laughed at for my beliefs although I don’t carry that laughter with me, instead I carry God with me, the very one you claim to believe but do nothing to follow. Again, ACTIONS speak louder than WORDS.

I will lower my head for now and work through my resentment. I’ll work through the anguishing pain (another thing no one understands) and I’ll go forward into the spring with dandelion bouquets sprouted on my lawn and I will appreciate their beauty for all that they are!

I will read this poem below as daily as I pray. I will hear the words in my heart and I will find a healing place. Away from you, away from the negative flow, away from the pain burning inside me. 

Godspeed…

REMEMBER THE LOTUS FLOWER

Great people will always be mocked by those

Who feel smaller than them.

A lion does not flinch at laughter coming from a hyena.

A gorilla does not budge from a banana thrown at it by a monkey.

A nightingale does not stop singing its beautiful song

At the intrusion of an annoying woodpecker.

Whenever you should doubt your self-worth, remember the lotus flower.

Even though it plunges to life from beneath the mud,

It does not allow the dirt that surrounds it

To affect its growth or beauty.

Be that lotus flower always.

Do not allow any negativity or ugliness

In your surroundings

Destroy your confidence,

Affect your growth,

Or make you question your self-worth.

It is very normal for one ugly weed

to not want to stand alone.

Remember this always.

If you were ugly,

Or just as small as they feel they are,

Then they would not feel so bitter and envious

Each and every time they are forced

To glance up at magnificently

Divine YOU.

― Suzy Kassem

Disability Awareness

These clouds explain what my body feels like

Job 14:22 “But his flesh upon him shall have pain, and his soul within him shall mourn.”

My friend posted an MS fact-check list, a slightly humorous take on what people endure and how misunderstood the disease is and compassion should be thought of before judging people with MS as just ‘dumb’. I have never thought that my Lower Lumbar Facet Joint Arthritis was so similar to MS and now I’m rethinking if I should be checked out. I think there is only two or three on the list that isn’t me but maybe I miss the signal?

I do not take meds. Having never been diagnosed, I self medicate with holistic healing and Vitamin B12. That’s been working for about three years now. I wonder now how much longer…

While I don’t feel I have MS, the symptoms are eerily close to what I suffer with every day.

“The cause of MS largely remains a mystery, even though the disease was discovered in 1868. Researchers know the nerve damage is caused by inflammation, but the cause of the inflammation is still unknown.”

 ~ The Heathline Editorial Team

20 facts about MS (Multiple Sclerosis)

** Fatigue – I’m always trying to work through fatigue. Just a shower is scary and exhausting.
**Walking Difficulties – The insulting remarks of ‘your so young’ hurt. Yes, I am young, I didn’t ASK to be ill. I didn’t insist on the inability to walk. And I’m NOT OLD! Show a little compassion.
**Spasticity – No this doesn’t mean I’m a spaz, this means my illness wins the majority of the time.
**Numbness – Again, insulting remarks of ‘You’re numb’, hurt. I take it to heart. Yes I am numb. While you can feel your fingers and toes, I really need to be careful because scalding myself is a real threat.
**Vision Problems – Again, people make remarks ‘that comes with old age’, if they knew what I suffered with DAILY they might understand that it is NOT OLD AGE! Driving does not feel safe so you, the ‘other’ driver, should be glad I recognize my inability to drive the same road as you.
**Dizziness – The pity look doesn’t help. Yeah, I’m sorry this is happening but don’t look at me with pity, try understanding!
**Bladder – Some days are better than others, be glad.
**Cognitive Difficulties – I’m not old! This happens to people with MS and I relate to what they are going through.
**Pain – I occasionally take generic Naproxin and it helps a little. Meditation helps more. I’m glad I learned that skill when I was young. (there) Apparently our nerves are misfiring sending mixed signals to our brain.
Swallowing Problems – no. But don’t ask me a question while I’m chewing. 
**Heat and Cold Intolerance – A little understanding goes a long way when I pass on an outing if it is too cold or too hot outside. 
**Speech Problems – While mocking my wrong choice of wording, understand the cognitive energy it is taking for me to even verbalize a complete sentence.
**Emotional Changes – Maybe it is NOT PMS! It is NOT pre-menopause/menopause! Did you ever think I’m having a hard time dealing with my disability as much as you don’t like seeing a vibrant, beautiful, YOUNG woman wobble across the floor?
**Itching – My goodness. The numbness makes me itch! Once I start, I can’t seem to stop.
Tremors – no, but I do have a lot of eye spasms.
**Breathing Problems – I get out of breath very quickly. Reading out loud is a chore in itself.
**Hearing Loss – Not LOSS, but the ringing, fluttering and the feeling I’ve been swimming all day creeps up on me but it does go away.
*Sexual Problems – Life is not all about sex! 
Headaches – not many
**Seizures – I don’t have the uncontrollable jerking kind, I have lapses of consciousness where it feels like I’m daydreaming in a world that is spinning. Or the jello legs. I’ll be walking and a nerve just sends my ankle bending. Sometimes I catch myself, sometimes I fall. 

#10 - Swallowing and #19 – headaches - are not on MY list. I do feel as the years go on I will add the other two and maybe possibly become wheelchair bound. Many people don’t see me in a wheelchair so they just assume ‘I’ll get better’. I’m going to do more and more research on this and I have to thank my friend for posting this on his facebook wall. Maybe he didn’t know why God led him to post this but let me assure you, as I read, I cried because of the realization that this is me. I didn’t cry because I was sad that this was me, I cried because it opened my eyes and made me see me for who I am now, and I accept this, I just wish everyone else did too.

5-13-15 Wedding Day

Reminiscent

Luke 23: 42 And he said unto Jesus, Lord, remember me when thou comest into thy kingdom.

I remember telling Adam I sometimes wish I had never left Baltimore. His response kind of shocked me. “But mom, look at all the people whose lives you touched. That wouldn’t have happened back there and you know it.”

I had an ‘It’s a Wonderful Life’ moment. Really? I touch people? I didn’t know whether he meant ‘touched’ people and their lives or had an affect on them. Let me see: I would’ve not signed up to WVU, I would have never met this awesome family in Nebraska and had a chance to see what normal looked like. I would have not crossed the path of so many who needed a prayer or a lifting of spirits; I would’ve never met mu church family; I would not have been me.

Joining the WVU community brought me to hundreds of minds like mine. Back home I wasn’t ‘allowed’ to make use of friendships on the internet. They were all mass killers in the minds of my sick people surrounding me, who by the way had tried to make ME believe that, but I’m a rebel at heart.

I have said many of times how GOD brought me to Nebraska so I won’t repeat the story again. But had I not rebelled against ‘my people’ I would have not been able to reach out and touch many lives. Through all of these people I feel love pouring through my screen and not the demented love of my blood family, real caring and compassionate love.

So after Monday’s post, which I started writing Sunday by the way, God placed something on my heart and yesterday on facebook two of my Christian friends posted this same scripture!

Proverbs 3:5-8 NASB Trust in the Lord with all your heart and do not lean on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge Him, and He will make your paths straight. Do not be wise in your own eyes; Fear the Lord and turn away from evil. It will be healing to your body and refreshment to your bones.

Let me tell you, I have a strong community of Christian online friends who might not be physical to me but we all have such a strong spiritual connection it exceeds anything physical!

Now you read my post of Monday and think, “Wow she’s losing it.” But no, really I’m reflecting on everything. Doggone me, I sure do a lot of reflecting and soul searching. That’s the way God made me.

I’m putting things into perspective here. I cannot worry what he does or what he doesn’t do, I have to worry what * I * do and as long as I stay focused on God, I will be carried by Him. I wrote a poem a while back titled ‘Your Sin is Not My Sin’. And I need to practice what I preach. Not worry about HIS sin and what he does, just worry about me and MY relationship to God.

While I go around lifting people up in prayer, presenting a happy-go-lucky lifestyle, inside I cringe. I’m tired of being made to feel stupid, I’m tired of people correcting me like everything I do is tagged as wrong, whether it is spelling, comma usage, or dangling participles. I guess as a writer I need to be made aware of my mistakes, but on a social site? I let go of everything; I typo, I often make mistakes but guess what I KNOW I make mistakes and sitting there editing everything on my facebook wall is nothing but paranoia of being pegged as stupid.

Since being diagnosed with arthritis in my back, not only does it cause me imbalance, it affects EVERYTHING I do in life from dressing myself to cooking and cleaning. In my physical world, I’m looked at as a poor crippled who can’t do anything. In the virtual world, no one sees my disability and doesn’t understand the daily pain I go through just to get out of bed and make them smile.

It affects my mind too. I’ll try and think of something, and often I can’t grasp what I’m even thinking. An example; months ago I was looking for a magic marker and I said, “Do you have a harpie I could borrow?”

I was looked at, laughed at and then responded to, “Do you mean a SHARPIE?” Isn’t that what I said? It is what I meant but it isn’t what came out of my mouth. It happens too often and instead of compassion, I get mocked.

I think God is showing me the way people are treated on a daily basis with even the most minor of disabilities. Imagine being an amputee and having your prosthetic leg stolen. Yeah, it happened in Pennsylvania at an Eagles game. People assume the disabled are smaller people than their higher-than-mighty selves.

Being reminiscent of all I’m enduring has made me think of bigger things that I have no control over and that I need not focus on. I am me and God made me this way. I need to focus on God and me but mostly God and giving it all up to Him!