I Do Have Bad Days

Prov.1:21-23 "She crieth in the chief place of concourse, in the openings of the gates: in the city she uttereth her words, saying,

How long, ye simple ones, will ye love simplicity? and the scorners delight in their scorning, and fools hate knowledge? Turn you at my reproof: behold, I will pour out my spirit unto you, I will make known my words unto you."

Few and far between, I do have bad days...

As much as I carry ninety-nine percent of my days in positivity, there is always the chance of that little tease of negativity to slither in even without me knowing it was headed my way. 

It’s as if I’ve placed power blockades [GOD] up to protect me but as thin as a sheet of paper, the negative aspect of something simple can slide right under my door without notice.

While I had a great birthday, friends from all over the world wished me a happy birthday and one friend even sent me much-needed supplements to my front door! My son bought me a beautiful ceramic cross with the words, 'Walk by faith, not by sight' on it, my sister called me, and my husband bought me an essential oil diffuser (with six essential oils)! What a blessed day all around and it ended with a house trembling lightning storm, my gift from God Himself!

I’m feeling great with my daily walks, whether cold or not, my two fifteen-minute walks, are now leading into two twenty-five-minute walks. I just feel THAT good. I always share the positive and the good but need to let you all be aware that I do have my bad days. I’m not out here blowing rainbow bubbles oblivious to the negative elements that want to attack me.

The negative knocked on my door on Friday when my phone rang. I didn’t get to it on time but no message was left so I had to resort to my friend, google. All I know is my gut churned, my heart palpitated and quickened and I had my suspicions who it was and a google search confirmed that it was onc.2’s office. Why does just a phone ringing illicit FEAR?

Coincidentally (I DO NOT believe in coincidences!) my son came up the stairs and told me he received a spam phone call from a job search site he’s been accessing. Instinctively, I asked for the number and my suspicion was yet again confirmed, my onc.#2’s office had called him, no message!

I’ve been watching The Truth About Cancer’s ten-module online series, and one of the things they said in module #5 was that oncologists are no different than terrorists. The definition of terrorism is: 1.the use of violence and threats to intimidate or coerce, especially for political purposes.
2. the state of fear and submission produced by terrorism or terrorization.
3. a terroristic method of governing or of resisting a government. 
Could they be right in their assumption? Are oncologist using FEAR tactics to get patients to submit? I BELIEVE SO! 

Why had my oncologist called my son? My HUSBAND didn’t receive a call, my twenty-one-year-old son did! How did they get his number? I stupidly signed a piece of paper allowing my son, via his phone number, access to MY hospital records in case he should need them because remember, the oncologists basically handed me a death sentence. 

They ABUSED my RIGHTS! And yes, I’m documenting this because my gut is now telling me that they are NOT just ‘doing their job’, they are HARASSING ME WITH FEAR TACTICS!!!! I have to turn to my friends because they are the ones empowering me, along with God to go full steam ahead in my holistic healing. I will NOT be swayed and suckered into the oncologists’ web of terror!

Saturday came and I woke empowered once again, feeling great, Sunday came and I was feeling great so much so I went food shopping with my husband. I truly think it will be my last visit. Tears welled in my eyes as I could find nothing edible that wasn’t laced with toxins. I was relinquished to the small corner of organic vegetables, which by the way, are right next to the bakery laden with toxic sugar poisoning.

Home, I just wanted to be home. I knew my mother-in-law would be out to see me to hand deliver my birthday present so I had to perk up (no, I didn’t make coffee). I got home from the food store, had a good cry, and sat down to write, my healing place. 

I wanted to show his mother how well I was walking after seeing me for years unable to walk, zero meds, and mostly in pain, the majority of my days. It always felt like she looked at me with pity. I was the strength in her son's time of blindness and now here I was limping and suffering in back pain. Pity, pity, pity, poor Joni. I thought I would be a living testimony to hers and many others answered prayers as I am now walking! Joni is walking. Joni is doing good! 

‘Mom’ brought me a carved angel, yes people still see an angel in me, and she brought a fruit tray. Laden with raspberries, strawberries, pineapple, kiwi, red/green grapes overflowing in goodness. I didn’t ask if it was organic and at that point, I didn’t care, it looked DELICIOUS! Actually, it was, after she left I ate the entire tray for dinner. Ha ha ha!!!

She watched me walk up and down the stairs and her jaw just hung wide open in amazement. Score one for Joni! The visit didn’t go all bad, I tried talking about my healing but she informed me of her friends who were CURED by chemotherapy. I explained that it only appeared that way and I felt the small fog of fear creeping in with this slender built woman whom I love. Chemo is NOT A CURE, I stated, it is toxic poison. The makers of the chemo juice wear hazmat suits for crying out loud. 

I explained that if I had gone the chemo route, that the picture of me that she is witnessing would’ve been totally different. I’d be in bed, curled in a fetal position and vomiting, more than likely bald by the in her eyes ‘nontoxic’ treatments. But still, she seemed adamant that people have been CURED by chemo and are now alive twenty years later BECAUSE of chemo. To me, it’s amazing the illusion we paint for ourselves.

I tried to let the entire conversation go, but it was haunting. Haunting in the fact that what she said inadvertently hurt, more than I even knew. She said something like, “Sometimes God doesn’t give the answers we want to hear.” So there it is, my faith, my hearing and listening to GOD is being compared to how EVERYONE else hears and listens to God. What I psychologically heard her say was, ‘you heard wrong and God really wants you to do chemo. You’re choosing not to listen.’ Doubt slithered in with the remnants of fear left over by the oncologist Friday, imagine that!

Hmm, the God that pulled me from so many trials and tribulations, he literally pulled me back from the brink of death and is now leading me down a misguided path and is filling me with doubts, fear, and lies? Friends, you know me better than that, right? Even if she is a Godly woman, they too can use satans tongue to spew the doubt that we fight against. 

I let it slide, I went on with my day, took a twenty-five-minute walk empowered by the LIFE in me, grateful to be ALIVE by God’s fruits and vegetables that ARE HEALING ME, not making me sick! Which just an FYI, she informed me fruits and veggies made her literally sick. Her stomach could not handle them.

I went to bed feeling good but at two thirty I awoke unable to shake the negative undertones leftover from the entire weekend starting with the mock terroristic betrayal of the medical profession on Friday. Like a ghost rising from the dead, the haunting detail lingered. Unable to go back to sleep at four a.m. I got out of bed and walked to the kitchen to make me some coffee! 

I’m writing (documenting) this on March 27th, 2017 I started at four thirty and am just finishing this post at eight a.m., readying myself for yet another post. I’ll use writing to heal the detrimental doubt that I was spoon-fed over the weekend. I will rise from this funk with the love and support of my friends and family that care about lifting me up, not tearing me down. 

I forgot to mention, my MIL left me two Guideposts magazines, (she always saves me her old ones) but these two were left in the trash this morning as one story was talking about feeding eighteen families with turkey, gravy, mashed potatoes etc. etc. for Thanksgiving, (I mentioned the image yesterday and she apologetically replied, “I should have looked at the two before giving them) and another front page story of a woman’s battle with cancer and her success with chemotherapy (only two years out, mind you) I suspect my MIL did KNOW what she was giving me! I laughed and I cried as I skimmed only a few words and tossed the magazines along with doubts and fear in the garbage, where IT BELONGS!

And I’m rising above the doubt and fear with the wings of an eagle and I am getting back to soaring to my healing place that I know God wants me to be!

Isa. 41:10 “Fear thou not; for I am with thee: be not dismayed; for I am thy God: I will strengthen thee; yea, I will help thee; yea, I will uphold thee with the right hand of my righteousness.”

Hope and Faith

Where I Go From Here...

Isa. 41:10 “Fear thou not; for I am with thee: be not dismayed; for I am thy God: I will strengthen thee; yea, I will help thee; yea, I will uphold thee with the right hand of my righteousness.”

:13 “For I the LORD thy God will hold thy right hand, saying unto thee, Fear not; I will help thee.”

Where I go from here…

If you’re not an expert in the field, then please refrain from judging ME and MY way of healing MY body! Your comments HURT more than help and I am in a very FRAGILE state as I face this cell-biting funk in my body! I’m not here to judge the toxins you put in YOUR body daily, I’m here to judge MY daily intake of toxins.

Expert opinions

“All the so-called natural deaths are nothing but the terminal point of high body acidity,” -- George W. Crile of Cleveland, one of the most renowned surgeons in the world.

“The innumerable names of the diseases are not important, but the fact that they all stem from the basic causes is -- too much acidity in the body.” -- Dr. Theodore A. Baroody, book “Alkalise or die” 

“Increased acidification of the body is the cause of degenerative diseases. If there is an imbalance and the body begins to store toxins and acidity to a greater extent, your body will start to experience diseases “- Dr. Robert O. Young.

Saturday, I unintentionally got knocked down a rung or two by a comment and with my impending new oncologist visit on Monday, it almost knocked me back to square one. A social media fast is in order and if you haven’t bookmarked my blog, then you’ll have no idea I’m continuing to write.

One comment, that’s all it took to get my heart racing and my hands shaking allowing doubt and fear to slither in; albeit unintentional, it kicked me in my fragile butt! Sunday I was a mess, even after a sermon and praise. I don’t like to delete people but at this juncture, I am more focused on MY healing than YOUR feelings. 

Monday morning came and a visit with a new oncologist was in order for the day. My anxiety felt high, but I winged it with a great blood pressure reading and not a tear fell down my cheek!
My GP led me to this doctor last week. This was not HER pick, it was MY pick out of the IBS (IckyBoobSyndrome) doctors available. I looked at the faces, I looked at the eyes and this was whom I chose. Little did I know that he is probably one of the TOP oncologists in the STATE of Nebraska, affiliated with a pretty highly ranked Big C Center. It was worth the forty-five-minute drive to me, to US. 

Someone warned me that this man was pretty adamant about not allowing patients to walk out the door without committing them to Chemotherapy. I was warned so I was ready with what little armor I had (I was weak going in, thanks to the unintentional hurtful comment over the weekend) and the doc was extremely almost forceful (hugging me seven times to sway me?) in making his call of having me commit. He wanted to call my son at home, he demanded I commit now before leaving, or he’d lose me (played the guilt card). Almost two hours of pressure but I walked out, informed, enlightened and aware. This was MUCH better than the first oncologist. And no bruising to show for it today!

What I DID commit to was a PET scan, only for the very reason being, to know if this crud is spreading through my body. I NEED to know as I continue on with my fight. If it is spreading, I may HAVE to do chemo. So I can live. As he put it, without chemo he gives me a year of cancer eating my brains and bones (with my former unhealthy lifestyle, mind you) to live, WITH chemo he was pretty confident an additional fifteen years. He put up a good argument but like I said, I still had my faith and strength in tact! “What’s stopping you?” Doc asked. My hubby, who was in the room with me, spoke up and said, “We need to pray about this! She’s told you her reasons why. Now we need time.” The man was not giving up! 

This is how firm he was. He ordered the PET scan from his office to my local hospital and of all the nerve, he wanted me to visit his office forty-five minutes away after my PET scan to sign up for the chemo!!!! He almost demanded and I said NO! If any of you have had a PET scan you know the twenty-four hour protocol? No eating, no drinking etc.? He needs results before I make ANY sort of commitment because it will change the plan a little that he had set out for me. “Friday, how about Friday?” he demanded. “NO!” I shot back! Pressure! My chest felt a tight pressure closing in on me!

His navigator lady was extremely helpful and very explanatory and also said, “In the end, it is YOUR body! YOUR decision!” I have to remember that I need to stop being a people pleaser for this duration. I only agreed to this visit to appease my GP. I wanted to go back home before entering the office and hubby started the truck and said, “Let’s go!” I told him I NEEDED to hear what this man had to say for my own sanity, good or bad, I NEED to hear it and that I did. 

I left the office with no other commitment but a PET scan on Thursday. He wanted me to schedule a visit for next week but I had to decline so I can see what my husband’s schedule is going to be like. Pressure! Pressing down on me. I do hold in my hand a copy of the results of my tests on January 25, a booklet on the guide to reading those tests and what they mean, and a book ‘Straight Talk about BC’. 

It sure doesn’t feel like MY life and MY decision but I guess this is normal. 
I’d like to add that with each doctor (4) now, they have seen my arsenal of supplements and my new eating habits. I get the feeling they know I’ve done my research and each supplement is targeted at my cells!

I pray that God gives me the strength to hear and follow what He wants me to do and I pray I’m hearing rightly and not blinded by what I want. I need continued prayer from the warriors who’ve been praying. Please don’t let up. Put my name in Prayer requests in all of your churches. PRAY FOR ME! 

Isa. 11:2 “And the spirit of the LORD shall rest upon him, the spirit of wisdom and understanding, the spirit of counsel and might, the spirit of knowledge and of the fear of the LORD;”

Empty Nest

Adam at 7 yrs. old

Pss. 102:7  “I watch, and am as a sparrow alone upon the house top.”

~ Empty Nest ~

Today is Adam’s first day at ‘work’, well, it is Orientation so he really doesn’t begin work until Monday, if he likes what he hears and sees today. Since he graduated from high school everyone placed the pressure on him from the get-go, “Where will you go to college?” “What are your aspirations?” “Do you have a job” “Do you have your license?” Questions kept coming and coming from friends and family alike. 

The implosion took place the following September when he had no school to go to, no license or job. He felt useless, suicidal at times, depressed and unworthy of being alive. I think I also have the only child alive who turned twenty without ever owning a cell phone. No, our money went to other things, other necessities that had to be taken care of; Adam was/is the last man on the totem pole, has been basically his entire life.

While he has been first on my totem pole, my totem pole has stood alone in a sea of virtuality. He is always my first priority so teaching him to drive a car was first on my agenda. Nail biting at times, exhausting at other times, then it became fun excursions as he learned the ropes and finally got his license. Not to say I’m not still that ‘back seat driver’ voice every time he gets behind the wheel and takes me into the store.

You might ask, so what’s he been doing these past two years? Well, he’s been an enormous help to his semi-disabled mother. He takes the trash out, puts the recycling cans out, washes dishes (sometimes, not all the time) dries and puts the dishes away (all the time), mows the [very big] lawn, vacuums the floor, does basically anything I can’t do and everything I ask him to and no, he doesn’t complain and whine either. 

So how do I feel today? Alone. I have to be very careful because I sometimes think I can do everything and wind up hurting myself in the end. Hubby is at work, Adam is off on his new adventure and here I am, alone. But hey, at least when he drove off I didn’t cry my eyes out like I did on his first day of school, and he started in the ninth grade mind you. He was home schooled for fourteen years so that was hard getting used to my day without him and now, I think I may have to get used to my life without him every single day.

I knew this time would come when I’d have to release him to the cruel world and he’d have to fend for himself but it does feel like just yesterday that he was born; when his little tiny fingers wrapped around mine and I made sure I counted ten toes. Now the boy is a young man standing six foot two weighing in at 175 pounds. My baby isn’t so little anymore nor is his life mine. 

Males are different than females when they grow up, the girls are usually closer to their mother and boys, they find a girl to love and leave their mother’s behind. Not that they stop loving their mothers it’s just they’ve found someone who will nurture them the way their mother once did.

So the nest won’t be completely empty for a while and I’m glad about that and he came home today from Orientation happy with a smile on his face and I was so happy to see him… all grown up and becoming his own man.