To Adam, my bud

I'm posting this on July 23, 2018

They just need to be out here in the cosmos if for no other reason but to be here for you at a later day. I love you!

Where do I begin? With the joyous day you were born or the day I ripped you away from the only home you ever knew and the only family that you knew?

Pop and grandmom

I saw that your life would have been traumatized had I stayed and in protecting you and thinking of myself, I took us both away. I didn't know if it was going to be for the best or would it be the worse thing that ever happened. I look back now and know it was for the best.

I want to ask you for your forgiveness for thinking of myself and not thinking how a strange man would understand the child you were at seven. He tried, he really did but he could only give what he knew. Having a father abandon him when he was young left him with not much knowledge of fathering. I'm sorry about that. We both did the best we could for you and although we've had trying times, you had the best life I could give you.

Happiest day of my life

Seeing you graduate high school was a highlight of my life! I was so proud of you that day. I knew I had done the right thing in letting you grow to be your own man. Sure, I made mistakes, but with all of those mistakes, it made us both stronger for it!

I was also pretty proud the day you got your driving license. I know it wasn't at the age of sixteen like all of the other kids out here in Nebraska, but we've already established, you're not like all of the other kids! You are unique! A one of a kind special boy, man person! I love this person, my friend, with all of my heart and soul!

If I'm not here for you, for the rest of your life, to see your wedding and to possibly see when you 'get you a kid', lol, my presence will be felt for your lifetime. Maybe not the physical mother you want and need but believe me, talk to me and I'll listen. It may be a new and different spiritual relationship but it is what it is! You stood by me through this whole wretched illness and never judged my decision to die... in peace by my choice and not some doctor who WANTS to kill me. Thank you so much for being a great friend to me! A great one! You always listened!

I am so proud of you, Adam! Don't ever forget that or ever think you could've/should've done more! You were there for me when so many others weren't, always remember that! Remember that love that you and I share! Forever! I LOVE YOU! Go and live life to the fullest! See where it takes you. You're a good man! You're worthy to be loved! You earned a special blessing!

We had good times!

Now onto my preaching part. lol One thing that will make me extremely happy is you believing in God. You know, the same God I believe in. You don't have to be one of those ever so perfect religious Christians we always talked about, I'd like you to be a Christian like *I* was. A laid-back believer. You never judged me in all my years of trying to instill God into your life. I believe I achieved what I set out to do when raising you and that is allowing you to believe, to form, to love what YOU see in the world! I love that about you!

Always contemplate the future!

Know that my life was all for you! My God purposed me to create something beautiful and magnificent and what I created is YOU! I will love you for all of eternity! Wipe those tears and move on and LIVE life to the fullest!

Love you, bud!

Your mother!

to better days

2017

Empty Nest

Adam at 7 yrs. old

Pss. 102:7  “I watch, and am as a sparrow alone upon the house top.”

~ Empty Nest ~

Today is Adam’s first day at ‘work’, well, it is Orientation so he really doesn’t begin work until Monday, if he likes what he hears and sees today. Since he graduated from high school everyone placed the pressure on him from the get-go, “Where will you go to college?” “What are your aspirations?” “Do you have a job” “Do you have your license?” Questions kept coming and coming from friends and family alike. 

The implosion took place the following September when he had no school to go to, no license or job. He felt useless, suicidal at times, depressed and unworthy of being alive. I think I also have the only child alive who turned twenty without ever owning a cell phone. No, our money went to other things, other necessities that had to be taken care of; Adam was/is the last man on the totem pole, has been basically his entire life.

While he has been first on my totem pole, my totem pole has stood alone in a sea of virtuality. He is always my first priority so teaching him to drive a car was first on my agenda. Nail biting at times, exhausting at other times, then it became fun excursions as he learned the ropes and finally got his license. Not to say I’m not still that ‘back seat driver’ voice every time he gets behind the wheel and takes me into the store.

You might ask, so what’s he been doing these past two years? Well, he’s been an enormous help to his semi-disabled mother. He takes the trash out, puts the recycling cans out, washes dishes (sometimes, not all the time) dries and puts the dishes away (all the time), mows the [very big] lawn, vacuums the floor, does basically anything I can’t do and everything I ask him to and no, he doesn’t complain and whine either. 

So how do I feel today? Alone. I have to be very careful because I sometimes think I can do everything and wind up hurting myself in the end. Hubby is at work, Adam is off on his new adventure and here I am, alone. But hey, at least when he drove off I didn’t cry my eyes out like I did on his first day of school, and he started in the ninth grade mind you. He was home schooled for fourteen years so that was hard getting used to my day without him and now, I think I may have to get used to my life without him every single day.

I knew this time would come when I’d have to release him to the cruel world and he’d have to fend for himself but it does feel like just yesterday that he was born; when his little tiny fingers wrapped around mine and I made sure I counted ten toes. Now the boy is a young man standing six foot two weighing in at 175 pounds. My baby isn’t so little anymore nor is his life mine. 

Males are different than females when they grow up, the girls are usually closer to their mother and boys, they find a girl to love and leave their mother’s behind. Not that they stop loving their mothers it’s just they’ve found someone who will nurture them the way their mother once did.

So the nest won’t be completely empty for a while and I’m glad about that and he came home today from Orientation happy with a smile on his face and I was so happy to see him… all grown up and becoming his own man. 

Off Topic~ Bullies!

Ps.73: 16 When I thought to know this, it was too painful for me;
***

Adam had a feeling. He didn’t want to go to school on Monday. Was he sick? Does he need a doctor? No, just a feeling. I sent him anyway saying , “Aww you just have to shake it off.” Against my better judgment, I sent him to school.

All day I sat wondering and I anxiously awaited the bus. I can always tell by the way he walks from the bus to the front door whether or not it was a good day. Monday was not a good day. No wave of the arm, no smile, just a sulking boy with his head lowered not to rise until he got to the door.

“What happened?” I asked. “I got sent to the office for self-defending myself!” he unleashed. Now let me tell you, I know mothers always think their son is right and never wrong, but my son is a good kid. When I went to the Parent/teacher meetings, Adam got all good reviews of how well behaved he is, mannerly, polite and respectful. Not a bad thing about his behavior. He even received the ACE award which is for Achievement, Citizenship, and Effort.

So when he told me the story of how he tripped, fell into a kid, and the kid turned and began pushing him, HARD. So he pushed back. What was he supposed to do, stand there and take the bullying? A teacher was a partial witness of the commotion and she overheard the other boy calling Adam an effing b*tch. They were both sent to the office. The perpetrator was taken first.

Adam was the one to look like it was all his fault. The principal called in a ‘witness’ and the poor girl only told what she saw, but she didn’t say Adam tripped, she said Adam was trying to trip the other boy, intentionally. Adam, trying to START something? No, he’s the one always trying NOT to start anything. So the girl didn’t lie but she didn’t see Adam trip, she ASSUMED he was trying to trip and her word was gold to the principal. “Thank you, for telling the truth.” she says. Adam wasn’t allowed to say HIS truth.

So Tuesday, Adam stayed home from school. He now doesn’t want to go back. Gibbon has let him down. What I thought was a Christian community, has turned into everyplace high school. Is this what the schools across the map are all about? Are kids being bullied, fearing for their life each and every day? Are the principal’s in these schools taking the proper precautions in preventing bullying or are the protecting the bully by blaming the victim.

As always, the victim is made to feel more of the victim, and this is hurting kids across America! What is a parent to do? I step in and it continues, nothing is being done, so once again I am stepping in, trying to resolve this so my kid can get the pleasure out of school. One more time and I’m pulling him out and returning to home-schooling.

This morning he rose and went off to school. He said, “I can’t miss my test!” He’s a good kid!! God be with him today and always!

Joel 2: 6 Before their face the people shall be much pained: all faces shall gather blackness.

Day 5: Letting go...

Isa 23:7 Is this your joyous city, whose antiquity is of ancient days? her own feet shall carry her afar off to sojourn.
***

Today is Friday! YAY! This is the last of my “pity-me-my-son-is-not-here” posts. I’ve had to do some soul searching this week as I let my son go out into the great beyond called, The World. It’s been an enlightening week for sure.

Letting go is a hard obstacle to maneuver around. The last time that I let anything major in my life go, was about seven years ago when I left my home in Maryland and moved to Texas with a strange man, and brought my son on the journey with me. He was only seven at the time and we both had major adjustments to get used to.

I had been married for twenty years, and the marriage disintegrated quickly after I got a computer. The obsessive type of man could not bear me having friends whether online or off. Paranoid and controlling did not work for me, fun and fancy free, so we both parted ways. I left everything.

Steven came and picked me up, rented a small u- haul to hang on the back of his truck and it followed us to the grand state of Texas. Not before letting go of all my worldly possessions. There were treasured nic-nacs, favored dolls, ornaments, some books, memorabilia, and yes, the beloved home, a cape-cod surrounded by trees and a garden full of birds! Not to mention, my family.

No one came on the day I left except my niece. (I have four brothers and a sister) I had seen my father, mother and sister’s clan the prior evening, so on the day of my departure, I walked alone. Only I wasn’t alone, I had Adam, my life support.

Now I know how Adam must have felt on day one of his first day at school. The same way I felt when I left home. Lost, lonely, scared, uncertain of what the future holds. But I sit here almost eight years later and can see that had I stayed, I would not be the woman I am today. I’m a writer! Back home I was a wife, mother, servant, in that order. Today I’m a mother, writer, fiancé, servant of God. I wouldn’t change a thing.

I’ve often been asked the question, “If there was one thing in your life you could go back and change, what would it be?” My answer then and always will be, “Not a thing!” You see, if we change one thing, then everything that followed that one thing would change. Everything would be different. Your life, your family, your SELF. I would not change my SELF because I like who I am!

Sure I’ve lived, loved and lost, but I am who I am today BECAUSE of all of my experiences. Sometimes we just need to let go so new doors are opened for us. The winds of change will not be able to swiftly blow through your hair if you leave the door closed.

For Adam’s sake and my own...IMNOPENDOOR!

Thank you all for your support during this time!

Job 8:19 Behold, this is the joy of his way, and out of the earth shall others grow.

Day Four: Another Day Alone

Pss. 102:7 I watch, and am as a sparrow alone upon the house top.
***

Well friends this is day four of the Adam saga. I call it a saga because I’ve never experienced anything like this in my life. Yesterday I did pretty good, I didn’t cry until I saw Adam get off the bus. Such a sense of relief knowing he was home safe, in my arms.

Yesterday as I drove into town alone, I realized something. This is it. I am really alone. With Adam off at school and Steven doing his thing on the computer; I’m riding into town, passing the luscious trees, crossing over the Platte River, inhaling the aroma’s that only the fields of corn can emit, taking in all the sounds of moving cars, while listening to Praise music on my car radio. Alone.

The drama queen in me really wants to curl into a ball and forget I even exist in this world. But the human being who loves God more than life itself, knows I have to move forward with each day and take the new strides as a growth spurt. I know I feel a story in here somewhere. Will I ever get to it? *shrugs*

Adam likes school. He likes making friends, he likes all his classes except Algebra, and his health teacher, who sounds like a bully to me, but hey, maybe that’s what teachers have to do to get kids to listen up! Adam even got into his stickler of a locker! Never having touched one in his life, he had troubles so he just carried the 100 lb. backpack around with him all day.

He’s lost weight. I don’t know if it is from stress, not eating, or lugging those darn books!He came home, we ate, I helped with his homework and we went to bed. A new routine to fall into and one we both need to adjust to because it looks like this is the way it is going to be. I told him that by Friday we’ll know if this is what he really wants. I am not pressuring him in any way. If he succeeds yipee, if he fails, AT LEAST HE TRIED his darndest, and for that, he will never fail in my eyes!

I’ll start  with the writing posts again after this week but really I just needed this week of support from my writing friends. The community that never lets me down.

The next leg of my journey is whether I continue as a writer, or say adios to the writing biz. The life I’ve tried so hard make for myself may just be coming to an end. Only God knows what is in store. I could take this time to dive into my writing, or I can let it go and get a ‘real job’ as I’ve been told to do on so many occasions.

The writing community will tell me to stay, but not having funds to help my own son through this school excursion is darned near killing me. And remember, my son will always come first. The saga will continue... be blessed  or just BE!

Day 3: A Lesson Learned

Acts 10:40 Him God raised up the third day, and shewed him openly;
***

Well today is day three of Adam going off to school. Guess what? I didn’t cry, he didn’t cry and we parted in a joyful, “I love you” as I watched him cross the lawn to go off into the world of knowledge.

I felt selfish the last two days crying and moping like a big baby, but then I thought, Crying because you love and miss your son is not being selfish, it’s pain being released. Selfish is not allowing him to grow.

It hit me the other evening when our neighbor, who is in the same school and rides the bus with Adam, had said, “I hate school. I’ve learned all I needed to and I don’t need it anymore.” I told him, “You never stop learning. Even me, I’m still learning.” God slap moment!

I realized that Adam needs to grow in knowledge that I can no longer give him. He needs to see and feel the world for all it is. I’ve taught him all that I can and now it is time for him to use what I taught him and go and learn from others. Last night as Steven, Adam and I all sat around doing Algebra (ugh) I realized so much of what Adam really needed.

Already surrounded by love, he will now flourish as a human being, and yes folks, I needed to FEEL this for myself. It’s like being told about God, but what a person really needs is to FEEL God in order to know the truth. No one person can tell you about God, you need to be shown.

This is still a writing blog about writing and I feel the need to share with all of my friends and followers the real me. I need to show you that there is a real human on the other side of this screen who is alive and willing to grow with all of you. I could have just started a new blog and made it all about Adams journey but I like to share the aspect of myself, that as a reader, you never connect with if I remain all about the technical field of writing.

You signed up as a follower, you signed on to me and all of me, not just what is nice and beautiful about me, but all the pains and heartache I, as a writer, go through. We’re on this journey together and always remember this, “You never stop growing!”

I know sometimes the day to day mundane crappola that we all go through might seem like we’re just robots functioning, but we’re humans. We think, feel, grow and live and we NEVER stop growing!

Thank you again for all your support! This is one writer who appreciates each and every one of you! ~~ Angel always...godspeed my friends!

Day 2:Selfish me

Isa.13:7 Therefore shall all hands be faint, and every man's heart shall melt:
***

Well this is Adam's second day in school. He liked his English class where they will be reading To Kill a Mockingbird for this first semester. Two other kids and himself were the only ones who’ve already read the book. Out of twenty some kids, 3 have read this classic.

He liked Workshop, Physical Science, and his Spanish class where they have a virtual teacher? My how times have changed. There is no real teacher in the classroom, she is via Skype, teaching. I do have to wonder what happens when the kids spit a spitball at the screen. Well, I read that they have camera’s around the room to monitor, but is this really what our classrooms have come down to? Will we be putting teachers out of jobs soon and let the virtual things teach?

Adam didn’t like being away from home and I didn’t like him being away. We’re pals, buddies, we lean on one another like two peas in a pod. I’ll know more how he feels by Friday. You can’t judge in one day. Getting lost and not knowing things like all of the other kids, not having friends like all the other kids, and wandering around dazed and confused in a new place on the first day can be kind of scary to a ‘babe in the woods’.

I am being selfish in saying, it was me and all me who raised him. Steven and I are raising him. I give the love, tenderhearted support and Steven does the dishing out of chores and making sure things get done in an orderly manner. It’s not all about me. There are three people being affected and as Adam’s bus was appearing outside to drop him off from school, both Steven and I raced to hear the exciting news of how his day went.

This will definitely take some getting used to and as my heart bleeds each and every second I don’t see Adam, I know this is for the best. I just wish everyone would stop with the, “This will help him grow.”  “This will benefit you both.” “This is the best thing you could have done for him.” and oh so many more things to try and make me feel better.

I’m glad you all have the right answers and since you have the manual on “How to Raise a Child Exceedingly Perfect” could you keep it to yourself? It is like when someone dies you say, “He/She’s in a better place.” Do you know that for a fact? No. You’re saying it to be a comfort but sometimes, well all the time, it is no comfort to the person who just lost someone. They want that person back and words are not going to do it!

I do thank all my friends for their support. I would not have gotten through yesterday without those kind words. And after all, Adam is ALIVE and he came home! It doesn’t seem like we spent any time together yesterday. Two, three, four hours doesn’t cut it, when we normally spent at least 16 waking hours a day together.

I’m in Zombie mode. I’ll make it and I’ll write all about it...someday.

THANK YOU FOR YOUR SUPPORT!

First Day of School

Eph.1: 3 Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, who hath blessed us with all spiritual blessings in heavenly places in Christ:
***

I rose this morning at 4:45. “Got to get Adam up and off to school.” I said out loud and to myself. It was still dark and the blanket of stars had not yet lifted from the sky. This is Adam’s first day ever at going to school. He’s been home schooled all his life and now,  ninth grade of all years, he wanted to go to school.

My heart aches but I know this is what he wants and where the journey for the young man that I, and I ALONE have raised. His father is absent, his kinda step-dad has supported us for seven years and now, things need to change...for the better.

Adam was so excited this morning, scared like any normal kid venturing off on uncharted territory, but to insure his comfort, he took his new bible with him and I bet he gets to read it some time today.

He has eight classes to get through, some hard and challenging, some right up his alley. Workshop, and Art is his forte. He’ll love English Lit! and learning Spanish, but it is the Math and Science I am concerned with.

Being a home schooled kid, did I give him enough knowledge to carry with him on this adventure. Am I going to be shown for a failure? All these things are running through my head but upfront and most sticking out is, my best friend is off somewhere without me. He’s been by my side since the day he was born and only twice in my memory has he been away from me for any more than a few hours.

Twice! Can you imagine? Was I selfish in wanting to protect him from this crazy world? Am I wrong in loving my child? Can one love their child too much? I think you can love them too much through strangling their freedom but you give them a chance to grow in so many other areas that other kids are never allowed to grow.

I am a good mother. I have done my job and now it is Adams turn to soar with all that I taught him. He will go with God, and he will grow with God. This is what I want for him.
I’ll have to write and tell you all what a great day he had today. My little novel writer has grown up to be his own person. Now I get to watch him bloom!