Thursday, January 26, 2017

Cancer

Pss. 16:9 “Therefore my heart is glad, and my glory rejoiceth: my flesh also shall rest in hope.”

Cancer

I was going to sugarcoat the title, dress it up for you and try to make it mysterious, but no, I’m all about the blunt truth of the matter. By reading this you more than likely won’t learn anything that you haven’t had a suspicion of at the mere mention of ‘breasts’ and ‘lump’.

I woke yesterday morning at 3:30 am. and knew I wasn’t going back to sleep knowing I had to be at the Dr.’s office by 8:30. I quietly scooted out of bed, allowed my hubby to get a little more sleep because something inside was telling me that this was going to be one of the longest days of my life.

After praying, making coffee, and settling in front the computer, I reflected on what *I* thought today was going to be. Yeah, that was shattered as soon as the doctor examined me! First of all, let me say, I now know why the young mousy looking doctor the day before had the look of serious concern hung on her face and had called this doctor immediately after inspecting my ‘lump’ and set me up this wonderful tell all appointment.

I’m glad she did but I just wish I could wake up from this nightmare and go back to my boring ‘bring God to the people’ life! I guess God wants more, and I’m okay with that, alright?

I have to say, first of all, my little puppy (my left breast) has never received so much attention in my life! It was kneaded like dough the day before and this visit was no different, she wanted to see why a Hershey kiss was wandering around inside the soft dough instead of a little eensy-teensy chocolate chip, if you know what I mean. And worse off she brought an intern in to see what the real deal looked like before they popped it in the oven to be x-rayed under a microscopic crew of people!

This is where I heard the words. I was standing in a long tunnel and she seemed to be whispering, it didn’t help that she looked like the angelic Georgia Engel from the Mary Tyler Moore Show. Ironically on the day of MTM's death. 
The sweet voice, murmuring the words, “we’ll be here for you” she whispered, “we’ll get you through this.” My eyes just hazed over and I probably looked like I had just sucked a lemon because I was trying to make out the words as they were slowly coming into focus, the word, the sound -- c- an- cer.

I spat back, “What? How do you know without a mammogram, without tests?” Her eyes, fixated on mine, the tunnel coming back, “Many…women…come here, I know, I feel, I see.” I couldn’t make out one iota of what she was saying. A blur, a fog… I need my husband in here. 

The tears. This is going to be hard to read for the so many women who have been right here where I am; they know, they feel, they see, it hurts. I heard something about work and I proudly stated I was a writer. What kind of writing? Believe it or not, I’m writing, non-fiction, a memoir. Boy this more than likely will be the next chapter, I said via a little chuckle, through the dripping tears. 

My inability to walk, due to arthritis in my back was obvious so they offered me a wheelchair ride to the other side of the hospital for the mammogram, the c-t scan and then onto post op for the lovely ‘biopsy’. I could not have made that journey on my wobbly legs and my heavy sodden heart.

I think I’ll stop here because, this one day, the worst day of my life, warrants more than one post. As you can imagine so much filled that awful darkened day that I need to reflect on all of it before I forget. As if I could ever forget. 

As I wait for the official news, the one where it is verified that I am now on a journey of many women, I’m now one of you, I’m one who will be down the line cheering on other Breast Cancer Survivors. Because... don’t you cry for me, I AM A SURVIVOR! A FIGHTER! A DEFENDER OF GOD! 

All future posts you must read at your own risk, I will be blunt, I will smile, I will laugh and you will see for yourself a woman, who knows, who feels, who sees. 

Prayer, Light, and Love will carry me! God bless you all for journeying with me! 

Pss.20:5 “We will rejoice in thy salvation, and in the name of our God we will set up our banners: the LORD fulfill all thy petitions.”

Pss.21:1 “The king shall joy in thy strength, O LORD; and in thy salvation how greatly shall 
he rejoice."



10 comments:

benning said...

Well ... SHIT! >:( Sorry, but that was there and I let it out. *sigh* Okay, the biopsies will take a little time to test, and so on. But I assume they'll begin treatment, regardless, soon? *grumble*

*HUGS!*

Dang it! >:(

<3

joni said...

It's okay, I may have said a little worse yesterday myself. ;)

She was the sweetest doctor EVER! I do believe I was sent there because she meant it, they're going to take the BEST care of me and get me through this!

The biopsy will confirm what she said and we'll go from there. I think she said 7 days (brain fog). I hope it is seven days because I really need time to let all of this sink in.

<3 hugs <3

NurseArtist said...

Oh Joni! I'm so sorry. You don't need this on top of all your other health problems. But it is what it is. You don't need me to tell you God has this under control. You know that already.

I will alert my prayer warrior team and you will feel the power of prayer working in you. Let God take care of this. And keep writing. This is a great opportunity to write a best selling memoir. One that might save lives.

Hang in there. And if I can help in anyway, please let me know.

Praying for you.

Debbie Seko said...

It is not a journey anyone desires, but me and you know this journey will bring you through a lot of love, laughter, tears, pain, helplessness, and fear, but God will walk with you, in you, and beside you all the way. We're here for you, sounds like so little to say at a time like this but I know it also means so much! Love you,

Hugs!!!! Prayers!

joni said...

Thanks Dixie! <3

joni said...

Thanks Deb. You understand. Thank you. <3

Marilyn Sue Moore said...

My Joni ~
You know I walked this road a very long time ago. I had a dear friend I referred to as my hero, for she had walked the road years before me; therefore, I KNEW she KNEW, so words would be understood as would silence.I determined I would keep a journal. It gave me a place to do what I do:write. Write and keep my thoughts. However, my determination was based on the fact that cancer was a part of my life. It was NOT my life nor was it going to be! No way was it going to be the survivor; THAT was MY PLACE!And I KNEW God had a plan. That was when I found 2 Corinthians 1:3-4 and claimed those verses for my own. I am willing to share them though, and I highly recommend that you see in you that God prepared them so long ago, yet, with ME and YOU in mind way back then!“3 Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of mercies and God of all comfort, 4 who comforts us in all our affliction so that we will be able to comfort those who are in any affliction with the comfort with which we ourselves are comforted by God.” My prayer for you is that you feel that comfort, lean back in the peace He is offering (some of it through me), and KNOW He is ready to take this on WITH us! Our love and our prayers are right there with you and your loved ones ~
Always with much love ~
Papa John and Auntie Sue

joni said...

My mind is in a whirlwind of thoughts and emotions, Sue. I know you understand. I don't know what I need to ask or what I need to hear, it's all such a blur.

I had a bad night sleep last night and that is rare but the thoughts won't stop.

I am surrounded by so much spiritual love and can feel the prayers. I'm sure what I'm lacking is the physical part maybe a support group? I don't know.. is it too soon. I want this to go away, is that wrong?

Love you Sue, you are dear and God had you enter my life for a reason...now it's becoming clearer.

Freckles said...

Hello Joni, I was introduced to you by Auntie Sue- who is a long time facebook friend, and before! I have been where you are. I understand completely, and offer my prayers for you along the way. I have a blog that focuses on this journey from beginning to end. http://restginhisshadow.com I am 4 1/2 years out. As you say, writing is a healing outlet. I also wrote/published a book (on hand). It is currently out of print until I renew my vendor's license (Ohio law). I'd be happy to send you one. the blog was born out of this book "In His Shadow".
In addition, I moderate a very small support group called A Band of Strong Women. These few women and I are in about the same place. It is private to outside eyes. If you would like to join us we will treat you with love and understanding. Send your facebook address if you would like that. http://facebook.com/MzCByr April Clevenger Boyer. Otherwise, I will keep in touch! Hope I haven't overwhelmed you!

joni said...

Hi Freckles!

That name made me smile and I needed that. Sue is the sweetest woman I know!

I am VERY interested in finding my place with this diagnosis and feeling comfortable with this new me. I just found out Wednesday and haven't even had the biopsy tests returned yet so I'm anxious too, of WHAT NEXT? Where do I go from here?

I need all the support I can get as I've not yet informed 'the family'.