One Year Ago Today

Pss. 30:2 “O LORD my God, I cried unto thee, and thou hast healed me.”

One Year Ago Today

January 25, 2017, was one of the worst days of my life! That was the day I had an appointment with a doctor. I wasn’t told by my GP that she was a breast surgeon. Everything about doctors, to me, is a secretive mysterious puzzle of sorts.

The tests of the day were excruciating, to say the least. I had no say in the matter as to what was going to happen to me that day. I wasn’t given a choice, I was just told by a surgeon, that was only going by what she felt (the lump) that I had cancer and that a string of tests was in order to confirm.

If I was told about the tests doing more harm than good, I would have gone home to cry that instant but instead, I was wheeled from one test to the other. Pressed, prodded and poked in a puddle of tears left behind. 

When I finally returned home from all of the tests, I had to face my son, I had to tell my niece. She is a Reiki specialist and knows her stuff when it comes to holistic healing. She didn’t have one ounce of negativity in her words. She filled me with hope and inspired me to take on the whole team of oncologists and put them in their place. They worked for ME, not the other way around. They were not going to shape my disease in any way! 

You are free to read my last years worth of posts, all documenting this wondrous journey. My plans are to write a book, Beating Cancer on a Budget but as you know, I have to beat this disease before the book will ever see the light of day. But my blog is the (partial) documentation I’ll need to put the book together.

I am going to admit that the diagnosis that came two weeks after the tests were cryptic, to say the least. I was never given a stage of the BC, I was only told what HAD to be done, the chemicals and drugs that would be put into my system via an IV and pills/drugs I would take for ten years, the radiation and cutting of my body that I’d need; not one ounce of positivity. What they didn’t know was that I’m an optimist, in every sense of the word. They could not, as hard as they tried, fill me with fear of the disease that takes millions of lives!

Today’s post is not about the ‘bad news’ I received on this day a year ago. This post is about the BLESSING I received in knowing I, Joni, was given a second chance to turn my life around and change some wrongs and make them RIGHT! I peeked into the window of all the detrimental toxic treatment I had given my body over the years that basically is the cause of this disease. First on the agenda, life-changing protocol for daily living.

In the eyes of the medical profession, this disease cannot be won without their money-grabbing negativity infused treatment. Little do they know, or want to admit, there are thousands of people out here in the world successfully treating themselves with no surgery, zero radiation, and most of all no DRUGS!

After the diagnosis, the year of toxic weight lost, the abundance of pivotal supplements, I am healed! Have I received verification? Of course not, the doctors threw up their hands and disposed of me, moving onto their next victims of the disease.

I say I am healed because I asked my Lord and Savior and we’ve had some long talks over this year, He confirms all I need to know. You don’t need to wish me a happy anniversary because it is not a HAPPY anniversary, this is a day I wish to put behind me in my pile of negative build-up rubble. 

This is the day the Lord has made, I will REJOICE and be glad in it! I will not be sitting behind the screen today, I’m going to go out for awhile and love life. The NEW life I live with God beside me all the way.

All praise and Glory to Him! 

Pss. 118: 24 “This is the day which the Lord hath made; we will rejoice and be glad in it.” 

I'm Alive!

Prov. 16:24 “Pleasant words are as an honeycomb, sweet to the soul, and health to the bones.”

I’m Alive!

Every morning I wake I want to shout out the door, I’m Alive! I don’t do it for obvious reasons so I just take a moment before placing my feet on the floor and say, thank you Lord, for granting me another day.

It has been three weeks since my diagnosis and while the medical community thought my illness was theirs to control, I asserted my body and took control of something I lost on the day of diagnosis. Since I’m a victim of sexual abuse as a child I’m going to be quite blunt here, I felt as if I had been raped on the day of diagnosis as they whisked me from one test to the other amid tears.

I wasn’t prepared, to say the least, can one ever be? But I seriously thought I was just going in to have my breast exam. I had no idea I was going to need a mammogram, CT scan AND a biopsy all in a succession of tests. I felt violated, I lost control of my body and it felt demeaning. I stayed strong because I had to, I would not succumb again the preying vultures. 

The last I saw or heard from the Breast Cancer doctor was moments before I was wheeled off to my mammogram when she said, “We’ll be with you all the way.” That was three weeks ago. She was the doctor my General Practitioner sent me to, her ‘colleague’. 

A week after the BC doctor visit, in comes the Oncologist to pressure me and make me feel even less in control when she uttered the words chemotherapy. The last I’ve seen or heard from her was two weeks ago. Oh, her navigator person has been in contact putting a little pressure on me to decide even though I asked REPEATEDLY about alternative treatment. The oncologist informed the BC doctor that, “Joni is not committing.” 

So the BC doctor had a person at the desk (there were five receptionists when I went in for my initial visit) call me telling me I needed to make an appointment. Doc. wanted to talk to me. I said I would call back. Tuesday of this week after navigator lady called to put the pressure on me, I told her BC doctor wanted to see me and after I see her, I’d get back to her, the navigator lady. I called BC doctor to make an appointment and one of her five receptionist said she’d call me back. She needed to see how much time to put me in for with the doctor. It’s Friday, she never called back.

Tuesday at five, my phone rang and it went to voicemail before I had the chance to pick it up. It was my General Practitioner calling to see how I was and if there was anything she could do for me. She even left me her cell phone number. I cried. This is the FIRST doctor who actually took the time out of their day to PERSONALLY call me!

I didn’t call her but by Thursday she made another call. She’s persistent but I needed that at that point and time. I called the office, the Desk Lady said that the doctor would like to see me, for a follow-up visit, a wellness visit (my guess, anything to get me into the office to see if I’m okay.) I began to cry, “Can you ask her if she is going to abandon me?” 

Desk Lady didn’t understand, but I went on to tell her basically what I told you above, I felt abandoned by the medical community because I uttered the words Alternative Treatment. She sounded not surprised at all and said, “It is YOUR body! You need to do what YOU want.” I told her that was the first time in three weeks I’ve heard those words from ANY of the offices! We’ll get you in here Tuesday of next week, she offered.

I don’t know about you but Dr. appointments are usually hard to come by but this place actually has walk in visits. This doctor has to be as busy as any other doctor but there was an opening on Tuesday in a couple of different time slots convenient to ME.

My mind suddenly began to spin paranoia webs of background deceit brought on by no other than the dark one. “Was she acting on BC doctor’s orders to put pressure on me? Is this all about who makes the dollar off of my Breast Cancer?” I immediately thought of my dream the other night where the webs were sucked from my system tossed into the sea.  

I felt a relief wash over me, I was back in control and someone in the form of my General Practitioner was out there, waiting to see me and willing to listen. That’s all I want in this mess of confusion is for someone to listen to me. I don’t want her to say what I want to hear, I want to listen to her too and see what she has to say about all of this. 

Chris Wark of Chris Beat Cancer is just ONE of the thousands of testimonials against chemotherapy. He’s not a new age guru, he’s a colon cancer SURVIVOR! People will never hear these testimonials because cancer is a BILLION dollar industry that doesn’t WANT you to hear them. Listen, I am not treading lightly in my decision, trust me, having three members die in one year is weighing heavily on my decision. They chose THEIR path and I am choosing my path! I walk hand-in-hand with God my heavenly Father! We’ve got this. I'm ALIVE!

Isa. 6:10 “Make the heart of this people fat, and make their ears heavy, and shut their eyes; lest they see with their eyes, and hear with their ears, and understand with their heart, and convert, and be healed.”

And The Beat Goes On...

Pss. 43:5 “Why art thou cast down, O my soul? and why art thou disquieted within me? hope in God: for I shall yet praise him, who is the health of my countenance, and my God.”

And The Beat Goes On…

Every day I wake up and am grateful for a new day and a new way to fight the cancer. My day begins with prayer, a reading of my Bible Gateway emails, and reflection on what God means to my life. It’s ironic how each new day brings emails, web page landings right in my hand that pertain exactly to me and what I’m going through.

I have my good days and those days are the ones I want to keep fresh in my mind while my bad days are good days where I feel negative people or events tried to wander into the spatial plane of my existence.

In two weeks the positive outweighs the negative by far. One lady friend basically attacked me telling me how wrong I was in making the decision not to do chemo because she’s lost people and cancer is ugly! I wish people would respect me enough to READ my words before berating me with THEIR experience and THEIR opinion as if I didn’t have enough of my own experience to make this judgment call on my own. 

I’ve lost people to cancer too, my husband has lost people to cancer also and I know it is an ugly disease that millions are fighting, struggling, winning and also losing. I KNOW I get it! I am not an uneducated child throwing my hands in the air and stomping in temper tantrum fashion, I get it, CANCER KILLS! In a span of decades, I would say I’ve lost well over 10 people in my family alone to the disease and there could be more that I haven’t heard of.

My day consist of wanting to stay alive! I don’t wake and turn to the nasty habit of eating what I want, drinking what I want, no, I think of my body as a broken machine and it’s in the shop for repair. When your car needs repairs and the mechanic says, “Well ma’am, you need a whole new engine. That’s gonna cost you about five grand.” You think the repairs are not worth it and you just go and buy a new car. Well, I can’t just go and trade my old body in and get a new one. No, I need to repair what I was given.

To ME, chemo is like putting a gas treatment in the gas tank and expecting it to run because you treated it with the best juice on the market. You didn’t weigh your options. The mechanic said you needed this gas treatment and that your car would run good for a little while, so you took his word for it even though he just told you that you needed an entire engine!

Sometimes people don’t trust themselves because we’re supposed to trust the mechanic or doctor who has been trained in their field of expertise. How many of you have taken your car in and when told that you needed an entire engine, decided on a second opinion and were told that it was fixable for a much cheaper price. You took their word because they HAVE to be right, right? 

I’m all about trust. Since my abusive childhood (read my entire blog) I’ve had many years of being leery and mistrusting people and having to go with my God given instinct. Something feels wrong about this big C diagnosis, I do not trust the rush, rush, hasty decisions that are making me feel uneasy.

One day the diagnosis, the very next week the oncologist, and that visit was all about starting chemo two days later. Wow, what a week. My mind didn’t even have time to let the diagnosis set in and they were already making plans for a port to be installed and begin chemo treatments, how I’d lose my hair and be sick but we’ll give you pills for the sickness. When I said, “WHOA, hold on there, Silver.” The oncologist told the initial BC doctor from the first-week diagnosis that I was not committing. What does that even mean?

When the navigator lady called on Monday (the 6th) she asked me where I was leaning and what were my thoughts. I told her I was considering the PET scan but I was working on getting my body, mind, and spirit in sync with all of this information. I need my body READY if it is ABSOLUTELY necessary to get chemo or any other radiation (PET SCAN). I’m still not getting clear answers on that one. One day my cancer is ‘not aggressive’ the next ‘mildly aggressive’, could you be more specific? I told her she could call me call Friday. 

Friday came, yesterday I woke feeling great as usual, happy to be alive one more day and praising the One who made it all possible. I took a shower, woke Adam and asked if he’d drive me to the store to pick up money (thank you, God) and to get some more veggies for my new way of living. I came home happy as a penguin sliding on the ice. I was gearing up for my walk when the phone rang, must be navigator lady, I thought. 

List of characters: Onc. – oncologist, navigator- works for Onc. and is supposed to help and guide me, BC- Breast Cancer specialist doctor who gave me the news of BC. Joni- That’d be me, the one in the background. 

“Hello?”
“Hi, this is the ‘BC Doctor’s office, the doctor would like to schedule you for an appointment.”
“For what?” I was totally broadsided on this one, I was expecting navigator lady from the oncologist office. 
“The oncologist informed BC doctor that you were not willing to commit.”
“To what?” I asked. 
“To your chemotherapy treatments.” Silence over the phone as she read the note Onc. had sent to BC doctor. “I’m sorry, I was just reading the note that Onc. sent to BC.”
“I thought navigator lady was going to call me today. I told her I needed time, and we were working toward a solution. I need a moment,” silence as I had to wrap my brain around what was going on, “I have to call you back.”

I hung up the phone feeling anger, anxiety, and perplexity along with a tinge of betrayal. I thought navigator lady was working with me, but obviously, after our call on Monday, she went and told Onc. that, “Nope, Joni isn’t falling for our scam we’re trying to pull on her.”

I was actually ready to tell navigator lady to set me up for the PET scan, but apparently, we’re all playing a different game here. I could not call navigator lady right then because my blood was boiling, my temperature rising and my heart went into overtime. “Well, there goes my walk.” I couldn’t even wrap my mind around taking my little walk.

This is what I’m up against. I’m being as open and honest in conveying my feelings but they are NOT hearing me and only have tunnel vision for what THEY want done. Why can’t we work together for a positive outcome here, why is it your way or no way at all? How come when I ask about vitamin C treatments they quickly, hastily brush off what I said and say, “We don’t do that here!” I’ll tell you why they’re realizing I’m doing my homework on this disease. I’m educating myself in treatments that are out there. I’m asking them to embrace something that is foreign to them and that is moving forward in the steps that it will take to eradicate cancer.

“We don’t do that here.” That means to me, we just do chemo and if you don’t agree with us on chemo, we have to send you back to the BC doctor and let her time and money be wasted on you. Our time IS money, see ya! 

That is exactly the way I’m feeling I’m being treated. I will call the BC doctor on Monday and set up an appointment and hear what she has to say, as for navigator lady, if she calls Monday I’ll think of something creative to say, you all know me.  *wink*

Pss. 107:20 “He sent his word, and healed them, and delivered them from their destructions.”

Cancer

Pss. 16:9 “Therefore my heart is glad, and my glory rejoiceth: my flesh also shall rest in hope.”

Cancer

I was going to sugarcoat the title, dress it up for you and try to make it mysterious, but no, I’m all about the blunt truth of the matter. By reading this you more than likely won’t learn anything that you haven’t had a suspicion of at the mere mention of ‘breasts’ and ‘lump’.

I woke yesterday morning at 3:30 am. and knew I wasn’t going back to sleep knowing I had to be at the Dr.’s office by 8:30. I quietly scooted out of bed, allowed my hubby to get a little more sleep because something inside was telling me that this was going to be one of the longest days of my life.

After praying, making coffee, and settling in front the computer, I reflected on what *I* thought today was going to be. Yeah, that was shattered as soon as the doctor examined me! First of all, let me say, I now know why the young mousy looking doctor the day before had the look of serious concern hung on her face and had called this doctor immediately after inspecting my ‘lump’ and set me up this wonderful tell all appointment.

I’m glad she did but I just wish I could wake up from this nightmare and go back to my boring ‘bring God to the people’ life! I guess God wants more, and I’m okay with that, alright?

I have to say, first of all, my little puppy (my left breast) has never received so much attention in my life! It was kneaded like dough the day before and this visit was no different, she wanted to see why a Hershey kiss was wandering around inside the soft dough instead of a little eensy-teensy chocolate chip, if you know what I mean. And worse off she brought an intern in to see what the real deal looked like before they popped it in the oven to be x-rayed under a microscopic crew of people!

This is where I heard the words. I was standing in a long tunnel and she seemed to be whispering, it didn’t help that she looked like the angelic Georgia Engel from the Mary Tyler Moore Show. Ironically on the day of MTM's death. 
The sweet voice, murmuring the words, “we’ll be here for you” she whispered, “we’ll get you through this.” My eyes just hazed over and I probably looked like I had just sucked a lemon because I was trying to make out the words as they were slowly coming into focus, the word, the sound -- c- an- cer.

I spat back, “What? How do you know without a mammogram, without tests?” Her eyes, fixated on mine, the tunnel coming back, “Many…women…come here, I know, I feel, I see.” I couldn’t make out one iota of what she was saying. A blur, a fog… I need my husband in here. 

The tears. This is going to be hard to read for the so many women who have been right here where I am; they know, they feel, they see, it hurts. I heard something about work and I proudly stated I was a writer. What kind of writing? Believe it or not, I’m writing, non-fiction, a memoir. Boy this more than likely will be the next chapter, I said via a little chuckle, through the dripping tears. 

My inability to walk, due to arthritis in my back was obvious so they offered me a wheelchair ride to the other side of the hospital for the mammogram, the c-t scan and then onto post op for the lovely ‘biopsy’. I could not have made that journey on my wobbly legs and my heavy sodden heart.

I think I’ll stop here because, this one day, the worst day of my life, warrants more than one post. As you can imagine so much filled that awful darkened day that I need to reflect on all of it before I forget. As if I could ever forget. 

As I wait for the official news, the one where it is verified that I am now on a journey of many women, I’m now one of you, I’m one who will be down the line cheering on other Breast Cancer Survivors. Because... don’t you cry for me, I AM A SURVIVOR! A FIGHTER! A DEFENDER OF GOD! 

All future posts you must read at your own risk, I will be blunt, I will smile, I will laugh and you will see for yourself a woman, who knows, who feels, who sees. 

Prayer, Light, and Love will carry me! God bless you all for journeying with me! 

Pss.20:5 “We will rejoice in thy salvation, and in the name of our God we will set up our banners: the LORD fulfill all thy petitions.”

Pss.21:1 “The king shall joy in thy strength, O LORD; and in thy salvation how greatly shall 

he rejoice."