Reminiscent

Luke 23: 42 And he said unto Jesus, Lord, remember me when thou comest into thy kingdom.

I remember telling Adam I sometimes wish I had never left Baltimore. His response kind of shocked me. “But mom, look at all the people whose lives you touched. That wouldn’t have happened back there and you know it.”

I had an ‘It’s a Wonderful Life’ moment. Really? I touch people? I didn’t know whether he meant ‘touched’ people and their lives or had an affect on them. Let me see: I would’ve not signed up to WVU, I would have never met this awesome family in Nebraska and had a chance to see what normal looked like. I would have not crossed the path of so many who needed a prayer or a lifting of spirits; I would’ve never met mu church family; I would not have been me.

Joining the WVU community brought me to hundreds of minds like mine. Back home I wasn’t ‘allowed’ to make use of friendships on the internet. They were all mass killers in the minds of my sick people surrounding me, who by the way had tried to make ME believe that, but I’m a rebel at heart.

I have said many of times how GOD brought me to Nebraska so I won’t repeat the story again. But had I not rebelled against ‘my people’ I would have not been able to reach out and touch many lives. Through all of these people I feel love pouring through my screen and not the demented love of my blood family, real caring and compassionate love.

So after Monday’s post, which I started writing Sunday by the way, God placed something on my heart and yesterday on facebook two of my Christian friends posted this same scripture!

Proverbs 3:5-8 NASB Trust in the Lord with all your heart and do not lean on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge Him, and He will make your paths straight. Do not be wise in your own eyes; Fear the Lord and turn away from evil. It will be healing to your body and refreshment to your bones.

Let me tell you, I have a strong community of Christian online friends who might not be physical to me but we all have such a strong spiritual connection it exceeds anything physical!

Now you read my post of Monday and think, “Wow she’s losing it.” But no, really I’m reflecting on everything. Doggone me, I sure do a lot of reflecting and soul searching. That’s the way God made me.

I’m putting things into perspective here. I cannot worry what he does or what he doesn’t do, I have to worry what * I * do and as long as I stay focused on God, I will be carried by Him. I wrote a poem a while back titled ‘Your Sin is Not My Sin’. And I need to practice what I preach. Not worry about HIS sin and what he does, just worry about me and MY relationship to God.

While I go around lifting people up in prayer, presenting a happy-go-lucky lifestyle, inside I cringe. I’m tired of being made to feel stupid, I’m tired of people correcting me like everything I do is tagged as wrong, whether it is spelling, comma usage, or dangling participles. I guess as a writer I need to be made aware of my mistakes, but on a social site? I let go of everything; I typo, I often make mistakes but guess what I KNOW I make mistakes and sitting there editing everything on my facebook wall is nothing but paranoia of being pegged as stupid.

Since being diagnosed with arthritis in my back, not only does it cause me imbalance, it affects EVERYTHING I do in life from dressing myself to cooking and cleaning. In my physical world, I’m looked at as a poor crippled who can’t do anything. In the virtual world, no one sees my disability and doesn’t understand the daily pain I go through just to get out of bed and make them smile.

It affects my mind too. I’ll try and think of something, and often I can’t grasp what I’m even thinking. An example; months ago I was looking for a magic marker and I said, “Do you have a harpie I could borrow?”

I was looked at, laughed at and then responded to, “Do you mean a SHARPIE?” Isn’t that what I said? It is what I meant but it isn’t what came out of my mouth. It happens too often and instead of compassion, I get mocked.

I think God is showing me the way people are treated on a daily basis with even the most minor of disabilities. Imagine being an amputee and having your prosthetic leg stolen. Yeah, it happened in Pennsylvania at an Eagles game. People assume the disabled are smaller people than their higher-than-mighty selves.

Being reminiscent of all I’m enduring has made me think of bigger things that I have no control over and that I need not focus on. I am me and God made me this way. I need to focus on God and me but mostly God and giving it all up to Him!