The Story Continued ~ ER 3

Job 27:3 “All the while my breath is in me, and the spirit of God is in my nostrils;”

You might not see ER visits as answered prayer but this second ER visit is where I got a referral to an Oncologist after this sympathetic ER doctor heard my story of being turned away from my first two oncologists.

I had told my husband and son of MY wishes and I wanted their blunt honesty in THEIR wishes. Both wanted me to live and try the chemo route, maybe my way wasn't working anymore. No, this was not my wish, but I gave into half their wish, I made an appointment to go see the oncologist doctor. I respect their wishes because I too, don’t want to die. My alternative protocol had been working all along but the stress of a dying dog was too overwhelming and my body reacted; mind, body, and soul, internally and externally.

For eight months I watched as my 14-year-old dog slowly dwindled. Right around Christmas of 2017, she showed signs of her arthritis winning the battle of her bones. She was not making it up the steps too well and a month or two passed as we carried her up the stairs on a daily basis. We knew what was inevitable but no one wanted to face or admit what was happening. Everything I had tried was simply a pacifier and got her to August where the heartbreak became an inevitable reality. We had to let her go to release her from the constant pain we knew she was enduring. 

Eight months of stress. I had done the research and knew wholeheartedly that stress was an enormous factor in the onset and the spreading of this dreaded disease but I was so hellbent on my protocol, I didn’t see the failure for what it was. I was still feeling great, walking, riding my bike, eating right and taking my vitamins but slowly the walking became strenuous. Month after month walking worsened and I blamed everything except what the culprit was, STRESS was beating me over the head with a lead pipe, stress was winning the battle.

How do I know that stress was the culprit? As soon as we put our beloved Sassy to sleep, strangely things started to happen to me in great succession. I told you I’d straighten out the timeline in the editing phase of this story, but yeah, the ball started rolling and still to this day has not stopped. It has lost momentum but that’s a good thing, it means I’m gaining balance over the situation again.

Rolling along, I called the oncologists number and the secretary told me that the (prescribed) doctor was only available at the hospital, she could hook me up with (no name) the first oncologist that dumped me, I told her no way and she offered yet another colleague of the first oncologist. The appointment was made and now everything snowballed. 

The first appointment went as expected. My husband and I sat listening as we were told that chemo was the only way to go if I wanted any quality of life. I stood firm in my stance with my protocol but admitted stress had won out and I needed help. He almost laughed at my protocol and what I’d been doing for a year and a half, but the first blood test showed, I had done something right. He admitted that I had done a good job in taking care of myself. But now it was his turn if I’d allow.

I asked him about the Oral Chemo I had seen and read about, he said the product was still in trial phases and I asked why I was seeing commercials on TV for stage 4 ER+ PR+? Hmm...he left the room and came back and offered an Oral Chemo real quick as well as monitoring blood tests and a listening ear. He was hearing me for the first time, someone in the medical field was listening and hearing me. He also wanted me to see an orthopedic surgeon to see about the pain in my hip. But first he put me right in touch with Physical Therapy for my lymphedema in my arm and that also led to a Home Health nurse coming to check up on me.

I didn’t get to see the Orthopod (as nurses called them) before my third visit to the ER via ambulance. Once again, I was in pain, called 911, the ambulance came and I was scooted onto the gurney and taken to the hospital. As I was leaving, the Home Health nurse was coming to my door wondering what was going on. I let my husband and son handle her as for the third time, I was being escorted to the emergency room. The Volunteer Emergency Unit now called me by name. I joked on the ride so as not to let worry consume me. They always agreed that laughter was the best medicine.

X-rays once again, this one of my hip. This is the one that told the story of my disease basically eating away at my hip bone and causing them to be brittle. I was told my right leg was the one in most severe trouble and to guard it. I was put on morphine and sent home. My Oncologist and Orthopod both knew of the visit to the ER and reached out to me for a visit with each of them respectively. Both had dire prognosis’, use a walker at all times and look into buying a wheelchair. 

I let my left leg do all the work for my right leg. I was in a lot of pain when I walked so we ordered a wheelchair and it was on its way. Fear had now slithered into the place where stress has dwelled. My life was failing and I needed help that only my great God could give! I think prayer is the only thing to save me now. 

Jonah 2:7 "When my soul fainted within me I remembered the LORD: and my prayer came in unto thee, into thine holy temple."

One More Thing: The Trio

Philippians 2:14-16 (NIV) “Do everything without grumbling or arguing, so that you may become blameless and pure, ‘children of God without fault in a warped and crooked generation.’ Then you will shine among them like stars in the sky as you hold firmly to the word of life.”

I wanted to share just one more thing before you all move along with your summer activities and get too busy to check up on lil old me. I feel like my most recent posts have been me 'grumbling' about my pain when really I wanted to share with you the reality of my day to day life in the best way possible.

Phil. 2:14-16 (KJV) Do all things without murmurings and disputings: That ye may be blameless and harmless, the sons of God, without rebuke, in the midst of a crooked and perverse nation, among whom ye shine as lights in the world; Holding forth the word of life; that I may rejoice in the day of Christ, that I have not run in vain, neither laboured in vain.

The KJVersion of Phil. 2 doesn't say, 'grumblings or arguing' but grumblings is what I feel I've been doing and maybe that shouldn't be so. How can I shine a light of Christ from my soul if all you read is the grumblings of my back pain? There is a light in here and the only reason I share my murmurings are so that you do not get the picture that self-healing is all hunky-dory. It's hard work AND it is pain-filled! THAT is the reality of the situation that I took upon myself and in the end, I will blame no one for my decision but me and by then there will be no purpose in the blame game.

You know the reason for my choice in this route and that is point blank, I don't believe in drugs. I am a RECOVERED drug addict (another self-healing route at a very young age) and the thought of drugs and the process of the tiny pill that is destroying a population to this day scares me to bits! I believe and always have, that God created healing tools here on earth. When He created us, He placed all around us the true nature of healing whether it is physical, mental, or psychological; the earth holds an abundance of healing tools without the necessary means of a laboratory of synthetic drugs to 'miraculously' HEAL you. It just doesn't work that way, in my mind, anyway.

I know what my tumor looked and felt like when I was first diagnosed. After reading and researching I found information that a biopsy (the test that I was FORCED to undergo along with a mammogram and CT scan) were all links to the spreading of this disease. I did not have any idea of this because I ASSUMED that the doctors actually knew what they were doing and that THEY were right; I wrongly trusted them. 

Over the year I watched as the tumor changed shape and color and things were happening that were enough to scare the pants off of me but I held fast to the belief that 'GOD'S GOT THIS' and I settled into accepting things were going to take time. Not MY time but with HIS time. I knew that the biopsy was the damaging test that set all of this in motion. MANY of the women who I've met online in a BC support group have ALL said the same thing, except their outcome, was slightly worse than mine and for that, I'm truly grateful mine wasn't worse.

A lot of these women are not even in their thirties yet. Some are pregnant or have just given birth but all are adamant in treating this illness on their own, of course, against their doctor's wishes. They don't want to be slaughtered cows either and through the same avenues as me, diet and supplements, we are all in this self-healing together! And HEALING is what we are!

Through my grumblings you might not pick up on parts of my healing that I need to share with you, nor do you understand the method of my healing that is taking place but rest assured, I am healing! I don't boast of my hours of prayer and meditation. I don't tell you about the foods I ingest or my long year and a half journey of finding my place in this new world I have in front of me.

The trio: cancer, psoriasis, and arthritis. I've had psoriasis for about forty years (on and off), arthritis I'd say about six years since diagnosis of my lower lumbar joint arthritis, then there is cancer, the cells have been in there all of my life, awakened about eight or nine years ago and only felt and seen in 2015, diagnosed a little over a year ago on diagnosis day 1-25-17. 

The signs:
Cancer:  I saw no signs of cancer except for the lump I felt in 2015. The year my aunt, uncle and, dad died and the year I got married. What a year, huh? That is the very reason I didn't tell my husband of my lump. I had to wait for medical insurance to go through because don't believe what they tell you when they say FREE CANCER SCREENING- mammograms in the month of October. Maybe in YOUR state but this backwoods stuck in the 1800's state of mine, there were no free mammograms, and yes, I looked! I waited for my insurance to go through and I started the doctor visits and the swift cancer diagnosis came without even ONE test, then she put me through THREE tests to verify her assumption. I feel there was an easier route to diagnosing without the threat of spreading my disease, but who am I, just a little woman going up against the 'Big Bad know it all Doctors'.

Psoriasis: Physically visible my skin was as scaly as a fish! I had dry patches on my elbows and knees, my ears, and my back. This is a chronic illness that kept me in jeans and long sleeves for most of my life. There were times that it healed (so I know the signs of the healing) but over the years it has gotten worse. 

Arthritis: This did not surface until the year of the trips to Omaha took place. The too numerous-to-count, to me four-hour trips, that left my back in pain that I'd never known before. It cost me my ability to walk right. While the trips gained my husband his eyesight back, it cost me the ability to walk. I went to an NP (nurse practitioner) who had an office in a little town and she sent me for an x-ray and it was verified I had lower-lumbar-facet-joint-arthritis; an illness the current P.A. (physicians assistant) could not find as a feasible illness. (Shrug me off) But I know different because I am in this broken body. And if truth be told, just because other people have taken trips to Omaha in two-and-a-half hours and can walk, undermines my truth in the reason I can't walk. (Try driving in high winds, two and three times a week to Omaha! Eight-hour round trips.)
{whatever will be will be}

You have the trio, the proof that they exist, and now you need to know the truth that they are healing! I don't know if you've seen the movie, 'What About Bob', if so, you will understand the term baby-steps. I know for a fact that God is in the business of miracles, and I know people who have experienced them (my husband for one, his sight restored) and I know people who think He just blinks them into existence. Let me ask you this, did the miracle of Christ's birth blink into existence? Was it easy for Mary and Joseph? Was the miracle of Christ's death blinked into existence? Was carrying the cross an easy task? You need to seriously read and understand the Bible before you can understand what I say about my healing and it not just 'blinking into existence'. 

Let me first say I trusted God from the very beginning of this diagnosis. I trusted what He was saying and where He was leading. With that, I bring my baby-steps to healing and my continued healing!

Psoriasis: In the beginning when I began this journey my scars were visible and embarrassing, to say the least. Now, my 'sores' look like targets. I have big circles like a ring of fire, where the sore began and the center is in the clearing stages. Smooth skin is resurfacing and yes, it's taking its time, but it IS a work in progress moving FORWARD in healing and not getting worse. No new sores appearing.

Arthritis: The pain subsided for months last year as my tumor seemed to grow. Three levels of healing Psoriasis, Arthritis, and the Big C, all taking turns on the healing journey. The signs ARE there! While the pain may be back for a time...

Big C: The tumor is now in the SHRINKING phase. VISIBLY SHRINKING! I can't say much more without showing you a picture (eww gross) and I only wished I was of this techno world that takes a pic of everything just to document my PROOF. But then again let's go back to the Bible... show me pics as proof. (that is sarcasm, friends) We only have words to go on and as this journey of mine, it's all in my words. 

Go back and read my words from the beginning, it's all there. One day, my family might finally stumble upon my words and they'll finally SEE, CHRIST IN ME! As I take baby-steps toward my healing, I am enjoying each and every breath in the day because let's face it, as we enjoy these summer months, one never knows what the next day has in store. Cherish the day! 

May God bless each and every one of you! Have a beautiful Summer! Godspeed...

1 John 5:4 For whatsoever is born of God overcometh the world: and this is the victory that overcometh the world, even our faith.

Go To The Mattresses

Ex. 14:14 KJV “The LORD shall fight for you, and ye shall hold your peace.”

Go to the Mattresses

Ex.14:14 ESV “The LORD will fight for you, and you have only to be silent.”

Have you ever heard the term, ‘go to the mattresses’? I remember first hearing it in the movie You’ve Got Mail and thought it was kinda funny that Joe Fox the competitor was telling his competition to ‘go to the mattresses’ with her competitor, not knowing it was him of course. (I love that movie!) But he was using the phrase he’d remembered from the Godfather movie, it means to prepare for battle.

I used the phrase a couple of months ago quite literally when I was discussing the necessity of a new mattress. I was willing to ‘go to battle’ to get a new mattress to save my aching back. Our fifteen-year-old mattress had it’s final days years ago but affordability made it quite impossible getting a new one, bad back or not. Illness after illness it seems was always nipping at our feet inhaling any extra funds needed to get a stupid mattress.

Then not long before Christmas my dog showed signs of failing and for sure I didn’t think she’d make it through Christmas, but I went to the mattresses for her and looked up home remedies to help her with her obvious arthritis in her hindquarters. The unending bitter cold and snowfalls were not helping my Sassy as I know myself, the cold can sometimes agitate arthritis. Fish oil! Who would’ve thought fish oil would help a dog’s arthritis? It does tremendously, so much so, if I miss a day, she’s back to the inability to climb the stairs. 

I know you’re going to say, get her to a vet but I’m sure each and every one of you know how expensive they can be and well, in my battle with this disease and every other thing going wrong, funds are just not in the cards of ours. I know it might sound like I’m picking our life over our dog, but I do what I can do. In three days time the fish oil began working its magic. I had fish oil on hand because it is one of my many supplements, I gave it up for her, to save her! It is WORKING! 

My situation always has me wondering what people are thinking. ‘If her God is so great why does she suffer so much?’ Let me put it quite bluntly to you, God is fighting a bigger battle than I ever give myself credit for. You get your hair done, right? Your nails done, too? Well, I look at my life and struggles as God grooming me for my eternity with Him. He’s going to the mattresses for me and quite frankly, I’m sitting in peace, in silence, amazed at His ability to take on anything thrown at me. And just so you know, I've never had my hair or nails done. I do them myself, always have and always will. 

We finally decided to get a new mattress. I couldn’t believe it! On January twenty-fifth, the anniversary of my diagnosis, my husband set out determined to change the negative overtone of the date and hang something new in the balancing scheme of things, we went mattress shopping. It was a surprise to me, I had just said I wanted a Wendy’s chili, and he said he needed a pair of work pants (like the mattress, his old ones had served their time) but we went a different route and he announced, ‘want to look at mattresses’ and I squealed in agreement, ‘yes, yes, yes! 

You might be wondering why I wanted a Wendy’s chili since I’ve been so strict with my protocol. That’s just it, for a year I have been strict with my protocol. The twenty-fifth was a day one-year-ago I had my last fast-food purchase with a chili (my fave). I needed a good memory of chili and not the grim one that held it captive for a year. The twenty-fifth of January will be a new memory for me! We purchased a therapeutic necessity, work pants a part of his uniform, and a wonderful bowl of Wendy’s chili! The day was a great day and no longer does the grim reminder of a dastardly diagnosis hold the days' memory in its hand.

So while going to the mattresses holds different meaning all around, I prepared for battle, my Lord by my side, and claim a VICTORY! After one night's PEACE on the new mattress, my back felt different! I can’t wait to see what a month, a year, a couple years do to my back. Just as putting all of my faith in God, the mattress was well worth the price! God goes to battle and *I*, rest in PEACE! 

All praise and glory to Him! 

Pss. 97: 10 “Ye that love the Lord, hate evil: he preserveth the souls of his saints; he delivereth them out of the hand of the wicked.”

Tis the Season

Col. 3:15 “And let the peace of God rule in your hearts, to the which also ye are called in one body; and be ye thankful.”

Tis the Season

As the Christmas season unravels, starting with Thanksgiving, compassion rolls out like a red carpet. People start donating to charities but then there are posts on facebook of who NOT to give your hard earned money to; that’s the joy of the season. We are so desensitized and so ‘well informed’ that people out in the world get no help at all because they’re being told to pick and choose wisely who you give to during this season. 

Over the weekend I had a welcomed surprise. My niece sent money directly to my PayPal account. I cried because this girl is a hard-working young mother, cleaning houses for a living and took the time and money out of her funds to help me.  She just never stops amazing me with her compassion. I have another friend who has gone above and beyond on the compassion for Joni and helps so often, I feel spoiled. I have many amazing friends who have reached out to help me and the only way to thank them is… my survival and my continued positive uplifting writing. I call them my Spiritual Family because they wrap their love around me and blanket me with support.

Yes, there are people out in the world who care about other people but I’ve found that the algorithm of the Facebook feed shows the dimly lit pulse of the world and where it stands. Recently I’ve had to limit my time on the social media platform because sadly the heartbeat has flatlined across the board.

I do see positive in the world so I’m not just focused on the negative aspect. If I had to do a percentage, I’d say eighty percent negative, twenty percent positive. Yes, I feel that is how bad we’ve become. Hopefully, over the Christmas season, I’ll see a shift of great magnitude. The darkness cannot win.

When people tune into facebook I want to be the one bright spot they see. I had planned an altogether different post but scrapped it because to me it felt full of negativity, and I am in no way about negativity. I almost feel guilty for feeling so good when I’ve had the diagnosis of a lifetime that would have others crumbling. Again, that is not me, I don’t give up that easily.

For four years I struggled with the bone-crunching of arthritis, years before that I fought the debilitating depression battle and the angst of anxiety battle. I clawed my way out of the darkness that had a tight hold on me only to find myself face to face with the diagnosis that cripples people to the core. People were full of advice on what worked for them, pills, drugs, etc. but since I was a young girl I shunned drugs after surviving an epic battle of drug and alcohol addiction by the time I was twenty-one. You see, I’ve been in a raging war all of my life FOR my life and now I’m feeling great without the use of drugs and I feel like I need to shout from the rooftops the positive change that has washed over me and will carry me into the new year!

My success is not bragging, it’s not boasting, it is LIVING and surviving! Now don’t get me wrong, there is a force out there that tries to take my eyes off of the Lord during these times but the more I focus on God the more cleansed I feel. I wrote a post last week about changing or staying the same, and I find that with CHANGE everything, and I mean EVERY-THING, changed for me. 

If you’re out there struggling in pain, with non-weightloss, with migraines, or with a stagnant life and you feel like you’ve changed, then take notice of what you HAVEN’T changed. Maybe you’ve lied to yourself and tell yourself that you’ve changed but as you still overindulge, knock back alcohol, or feel like the change is getting you nowhere, maybe you need to do a reassessment of what you FEEL you’ve changed. Write it out and tell yourself the truth.

Tis the season to reflect on another year that the Lord has given you. Have you done everything you wanted to do, to change? Are you happy with everything the way it is, and don’t lie to yourself because you’re only cheating yourself? Maybe you haven’t been given a diagnosis of an illness that has taken your world by storm but are you not worth the change? Or will you wait until the New Year to make a bungled resolution? If you were given one month to live, what would you change? That is more than likely the part of you that you believed you changed.

Every aspect of my perspective on life has changed in this past year. Everything has shifted and I’m leaving no stone unturned. Now as I go into the New Year, I’m reaping the rewards of painless living. My wish for you this Christmas is that you embrace the change that is inevitable as we go into the New Year. My hope for you is that you scrutinize your life as much as you dissect the wrongs of the world and other people. Find within yourself a comforting place of healing and take hold of the real change in your life that will lay you at serenity’s door.

Phil. 1:2 “Grace be unto you, and peace, from God our Father, and from the Lord Jesus Christ.”

Defining Moments

Job 30:18 “By the great force of my disease is my garment changed: it bindeth me about as the collar of my coat.”

Defining Moments

I will not allow an illness to define me. I will not allow the world to shape me and I can’t let people define the most intimate moments of my life. I’ve been taking a sort of break this week allowing my thoughts to be moved forward in a rush to the raging waterfall where they can be forced over the edge and led out to sea.

It seems the rabid heat wave of July has come to an end. This is where I mention once again that Nebraska has had an extremely mild summer give or take a couple of weeks in the lower nineties and a week in the upper nineties, with sporadic rain and nary a storm. Cool air crept in like the baby raccoons invading the property just moseying around to see what they can get into. The welcome cooler temps filled the night air and we rarely got above seventy in the evenings then the beautiful seventies temperatures arrived in our daytime hours beginning August first.

My defining summer moments have been shaped by a garden I didn’t plant but turned out beautiful anyway, new chores that have fallen on my lap because my son who used to do them got a full-time job, and then there’s the full-time employment that my son anxiously needed and received.  

I think 2017 will be a host of defining moments for me and the year isn’t even close to being over. Changes that are taking place, lifestyles uprooted, routines broken like the once fragile eggs that they were. Life is all about changes; I think it’s a matter of how you handle each set of circumstances tossed at you. You either catch the water balloon or allow it to shatter, splashing water all over your face.

Relieving stress and toxins has been one of the hardest of my defining moments year. Giving up sugar, processed food, meat, dairy was easy compared to the stress that haunts the days. While prayer and meditation work amazing wonders, wandering in to read my mail or visit facebook drown all of my meditative work. 

I think I failed big time as a parent and without going into detail because my son is very private, I’ll try and leave it at that. My son suffers from anxiety and depression and I’m the one holding the bag to his outlet of emotional outbursts. Then there is me, realizing my failure, and the need to let him go and shape his own future. It is stress I need to be gone if ever I am to heal from this dastardly disease.

A ray of hope shined momentarily when my neighbor moved from the trailer he lived in for six years. I got a little over excited thinking my son could rent the place. Boy, visions of a peace-filled transition washed over me but were slowly diminished by further inspection of the place. The place needs a lot of work and my landlord hasn’t gotten back to me on whether he is willing to do the much-needed maintenance of the place. By law, I believe he has to take care of them, but out here in the middle of nowhere, there is no law. I’m not willing to risk losing our very affordable housing (a house not a trailer) to push for mandatory maintenance so my son can get out of the house.

So, I continue in a toxic environment trying to heal what has been a life-altering diagnosis and has become a most notable defining moment in my life thus far. I never thought of my husband and son as the toxins that need to be remedied in my life but here I am the medium between two toxic people and trying to heal a toxic illness. 

I sit here and watch my husbands’ family move through life. They’re the good Christian family and all that entails in your mind when you think of when you think of a good Christian family. You know, the Leave It To Beaver June Cleaver kind of people? Yeah, when his mom sees my husband she hugs him like she hasn’t seen him for years and you can see all the love pass between the two. My sister-in-law has two kids that blend so well with her husbands’ two kids you’d think they were blood, but no, they’re more than blood siblings, they’re family!

It’s amazing to watch as an outsider city-gal. Sure I married into this great family but I’m out in the middle of nowhere as the Cleaver family moves on in a time-lapse fashion, and I sit here as the observer of two toxic people trying to live under the same roof. It’s an unneeded stress at a time I need no stress to add to my inflammatory body.

I have unmedicated pains many of my days. Not from this illness, from my arthritis and psoriasis. Trying to put bandages on a lifelong illness like psoriasis is not going as I had planned, and my arthritis flare ups keep me in check, wanting to do certain things but unable to just jump into gear. This is an interesting journey, to say the least. I still trudge through the pain, take breaks when needed and am still overwhelmed by simple things like visiting a social media site to visit with my Spiritual Family. Lord knows I've been dealt a raw deal with no REAL family to call my own. I think that's why He placed me here.

On the twenty-fifth of this month, it will have been eight months since I received the diagnosis of this life altering disease. Eight months of no processed food, no sugar, carbs, grains, etc. etc. and I long for the day I can just eat a piece of pizza without worrying that THAT will be my demise. Joni passed due to a slice of pizza! Hey, if I can’t have a sense of humor through all of this, shoot me now! 

My Lord has wrapped His blanketed touch around me for my protection and as the year of defining moment’s speed on, I’m cradled by His love! So if you don’t see me or my name for a couple of days at a time, know that I’m out here struggling to get through the day and always keep me in your prayer. I feel as if it were not for your continued prayers, I might as well pick out my urn now. 

1 Cor. 15:51 “Behold, I shew you a mystery; We shall not all sleep, but we shall all be changed”

There IS Hope

Job 11:18 "And thou shalt be secure, because there is hope; yea, thou shalt dig about thee, and thou shalt take thy rest in safety."

There Is Hope

After a week-long bout of depression, I see that there IS hope in the future. The more and more I learn I can see and feel a future of Hope and promise. Knowledge is power, prayer is powerful, and moving forward is Hope-filled.

It all began last Saturday with a city-wide garage sales event. Not intending to hurt my feelings in any way, my husband commented after I said I love junk, I can’t wait to buy more, he said, “Careful, you don’t want to be like Lisa.”  Lisa is my neighbor and she is a hoarder. You know, like the kind you see on tv that they do TV shows about? Yeah, my neighbor is like that with flower pots, pallets, end tables and bikes and more strewn all over the place and three vehicles she doesn't use because ‘they need work’. I’m more of a nic-nac fan. But the comment hurt and it brought me to silent tears.

I came home with a cross, a carved angel, and two other angels to add to my collection. That’s what I like. I spent less than five dollars. My collection of angels began when my dad bought a beautiful angel for my sister and at the time, my ex-bro-in-law didn’t ‘allow’ angels in the house. His reasoning was it took away from thoughts of God and became idol worship. I know how sound that DOESN’T sound, so I switched with my sister, the angel for my beloved pig my dad had bought me. If you don’t know the difference between God and angels, then you need a little more than your Holy Bible, my friend. I also own a Precious Moments collection as well as Dreamscicle Cherubs, compliments of my mother years ago growing up. 

By Monday my hurt had festered and I didn’t feel like writing, walking or riding my bike. The funk was real and I felt like a shattered bottle on the ground. No, it wasn’t just that comment, it was also my feeling like a failure as a mother. I botched raising a good son and I feel the ramifications. He wants to move to Kentucky to meet his online girlfriend. Please, no comments or advice. This is a real hurt I need to work through. In time I may be able to write more. But the good news is, today he has a job interview! 

By Wednesday I was begging for prayer from my spiritual family. Finally, my mood wasn’t because of food. I am getting better on the food moods and I’m a bit confused looking at a twenty-year-olds body in the mirror and feeling like an eighty-year-old woman with leather skin and all! I need to meditate. Yeah, even that stopped for a few days and I FELT the difference of not meditating as my days WITH meditating.

Job 6:11 "What is my strength, that I should hope? and what is mine end, that I should prolong my life?"

I’m going to go through this storm of my life fighting. If only it were just one illness, maybe I wouldn’t get down, but three? Why is God all about three’s? (Trinity ring a bell?) *winkwink* I have been fighting psoriasis my whole life, arthritis for about four years and now this disease that crept up on me like a snail crossing the busy highway!

Wouldn’t you know, that the healing remedy for all three illnesses require the exact same supplements? They're all tied together, like a woven blanket, the illnesses are just unraveling threads. The good news is I’m doing everything to heal all aspects and the recent purchase of Tea Tree Oil Shampoo and Conditioner has shown great results in just two days of use! So that perked me up a bit.

And don’t worry friends, I don’t care how down I get, I never give up on my Morning Prayer and worship and bible reading. NEVER! I am committed to God and worship only Him! He is the one helping me sail through this being my lighthouse in the storm. The angels are just for warmth when I need a hug, and comfort when I feel down. God has never let me down, and this path, as slow as molasses filled that it is, I’m HEALING! I feel it and SEE it.

All praise and Glory to God! 

Pss. 71:5 "For thou art my hope, O Lord GOD: thou art 

my trust from my youth."

Seeing The Light

Eph. 5:26 "That he might sanctify and cleanse it with the washing of water by the word,"

Seeing the Light

After many days of rain and no sunshine, I finally saw the light the other day and I ran and got my camera. I took a couple of pictures just to prove I knew the orb was still out there in the universe spinning! Without it, I lack Vit. D in a big way and leaves me with stress in trying to bring vibrancy and the vitamin into my world via supplementation. For what seems like months, the sun has been a rare event as well as warmth which can sadden anyone in what is supposed to be Spring! 

Out here in Nebraska, we had such a warm and mild winter, the farmers thought they’d start early with tilling the fields and planting. That turned out to be a bad idea since we’ve had freezing temps and many of the fields need to be redone. Also, we’ve had so much rain the fields flooded out making the farmers well aware that no matter what they do, He is still in charge! 

Recently I read the sad news that I shouldn’t be eating the nightshade vegetables. The ones that are more than likely causing me inflammation are peppers (red and green), cayenne pepper, and tomatoes! I’m going to try and cut back on these. I know I overindulge in these but only because I read they were on the non-acidic list or the alkaline list. I didn’t look into what was causing the flare up of my arthritis and while my Boswellia has a remarkable effect I still have some back pain and I now KNOW it is from my overindulgence in red bell peppers and tomato everything!

Goodness, what things we need to learn to regain our health! This is the nightshade list and while I don’t have a problem with many, the peppers (cayenne, hot, and bell) and tomatoes jumped out at me as my over indulgence lay glaring in my face like the once hidden sunshine.  

Ashwagandha
Bell peppers (a.k.a. sweet peppers)
Bush tomato
Cape gooseberry (also known as ground cherries—not to be confused with regular cherries)
Cocona
Eggplant
Garden huckleberry (not to be confused with regular huckleberries)
Goji berries (a.k.a. wolfberry)
Hot peppers (such as chili peppers, jalapenos, habaneros, chili-based spices, red pepper, cayenne)
Kutjera
Naranjillas
Paprika
Pepinos
Pimentos
Potatoes (but not sweet potatoes)
Tamarillos
Tomatillos
Tomatoes

Like I said in my 5 25 17 post, four things cancer finds comfort in and snuggles up to is a virus, inflammation, bacteria, and fungus; all four of which I’ve battled throughout my life with and I realize NOW as the root cause of this disease eating away at me. No, I wasn’t sent to battle ONE illness, I have three or four, yay me! I AM a warrior! 

With Memorial Day approaching as the call to honor war veterans who have died in battle, I think of the ones who lived with the battle circling around them as they fought, trying to survive the killing war. I guess that would be what Veterans Day is for. I also think of all of the people who lighten the somber weekend with a cookout and have the day off of work rejoicing in a three-day weekend, giving nary a thought of the men who died in battle.

While I respect the Armed Forces and all of the government holidays celebrating them, my Memorial Day will be filled with thoughts of all of the family members I lost to the Battle of Cancer. There is no national holiday memorializing their loss and cancer has wiped out millions! 

I am not minimizing the Veterans of war; I have many members of my family who have served. I salute them for their service. But I have every right to memorialize my family members who lost the battle of their disease because there will be no government holiday remembering those victims. 

This week has been a somber week as I try and maintain my optimism. While I see the Light at the end of this tunnel and continue to wake thanking the Lord for being allowed to be a voice to the people, I have my days where optimism wanes. Four months in and it is quite difficult to daily wake up and be the pep who can’t eat peppers, the zip with a zing, the life amid so much death.

Hubby’s family will have another get-together next week and it will be yet another one I miss. I will be ready to celebrate with them by Christmas I hope, but I am still not ready yet for questions, unhealthy food, and celebration. I’m still in the early stages of acceptance of this disease, which is more earth-shattering than my psoriasis or arthritis, that’s for sure. They only know I’m battling the ‘C’ and arthritis and while they love me, they still have questions as to my choice in this path. I can hear everyone’s thoughts, “What, no drugs? Is she insane?” I can assure you I’m not, I’m saved!

Prov. 17:22 (NIV) “A cheerful heart is good medicine, but a crushed spirit dries up the bones.” 

As I move forward and accept the fact that some ‘friends’ have given me the cold shoulder, I move forward into the Light and pray for their wounded souls. I don’t pray for myself as often as I should because there seem to be so many more people out there in the world worse off than me and they need my prayer.

As I seek and find the source of my optimism I stay in touch via my writing as often as I’m led to the words that fill me, I offer them to you. Remember, we are all members of one body. As you unknowingly hurt one, you hurt the other members and as you knowingly seek out to hurt one, you hurt the many. 

From my morning devotional from Bible Gateway: “Solomon assures us a cheerful heart is good medicine for the soul, the mind, and the body. Positive thoughts lead to a positive outlook which leads to a positive heart and a positive life. Negative thoughts lead to a broken spirit which impacts our minds, emotions and our lives.” Life in the flesh is another toxin invading the battlegrounds.

May God bless you all this weekend with loving memories of Veterans who have passed as well as family members who have passed. May your heart and soul be filled with love.

Romans 12:3-5 (NIV) "For by the grace given me I say to every one of you: Do not think of yourself more highly than you ought, but rather think of yourself with sober judgment, in accordance with the measure of faith God has given you. Just as each of us has one body with many members, and these members do not all have the same function, so in Christ, we who are many form one body, and each member belongs to all the others."

Fort McHenry

Locust Point, Baltimore, Maryland

My hometown

My Lil Primrose

Matt. 5:6 “Blessed are they which do hunger and thirst after righteousness: for they shall be filled.”

My Lil Primrose

It’s been a little over a month now since my diagnosis of the illness. January 25th will be forever etched in my mind but as February 25th came and went I almost forgot it had been a month that had passed and seemed like this crud had slithered into my body quite some time ago.

Well, actually it has resided in me for quite some time. The lump became known in December of that terrible year of 2015 that I had three deaths in the family, including my father. It was a tiny and small lump and I paid it no mind thinking it was just a cyst of some sort. They happen sometimes when you’re pre-menopausal. 

Everybody says don’t go to google, so I didn’t because google searches always lead to death in some way, so I steered clear as I mended from the losses. I knew the lump had to be taken care of but it was not in my hands, God held this the entire time and made the moves necessary for it to be diagnosed when the timing was perfect.

People probably wonder if I feared the imminent diagnosis and I can say, no, not really. I’m sure some small part of fear was lurking in there somewhere but when you’ve overcome so many hurdles like I have in my life, you kind of pretty much place the fear in God’s hands, have faith and trust Him with where everything goes.  

What I do fear is a system that tries to force their self-righteous indignation down my throat. A friend reminded me that I am doing battle with worldly-minded people and it hit me, that’s exactly what these doctors are, worldly-minded trying to push their worldly beliefs on me, the weak at the moment child of God. I stood up, looked in the mirror and repeated what I said to myself out loud, “I AM A CHILD OF GOD.” 

I remember a couple years back when I had to have my teeth pulled and the dentist gave me nothing for pain and no antibiotics to go home with to care for myself. He just told me to ‘gargle with salt water and let the body heal thyself’. Kind of shocking, eh? A doctor who don’t believe in pacifying his patients with drugs?

This was around the time I was diagnosed with lower lumbar facet joint arthritis. I believe this was the time that the c-cells were awakened. No, I’m not one hundred percent sure, they could have been triggered by the loss of my daughter thirteen years ago and they just slowly progressed to where I was most weak. All my research this month has pointed to stress and fear being underlying culprits in the c-cells stretching, yawning, then attacking! A one-two punch, so to speak. The above link is an informative six-part series on healing cancer. 

Throughout these years, I’ve been healing, growing and mending. I’ve grown in my faith, become stronger in my belief, and held fast to the garments of Christ's robe dangling in my face as I crawl toward Him to get one gentle touch. 

I’m reminded of the temptation of Christ where Jesus was being tempted by satan. He offered him the world, just like my doctors are offering me, life, a precious few years added to my life if I walk with them and go to their healing place. This diagnosis is my temptation, this is where they instill fear in me so I walk with them, but no, I am reminded of Jesus’ words.

Matt. 4: 1-11 “Then was Jesus led up of the Spirit into the wilderness to be tempted of the devil. And when he had fasted forty days and forty nights, he was afterward an hungred. And when the tempter came to him, he said, If thou be the Son of God, command that these stones be made bread. But he answered and said, It is written, Man shall not live by bread alone, but by every word that proceedeth out of the mouth of God. Then the devil taketh him up into the holy city, and setteth him on a pinnacle of the temple, And saith unto him, If thou be the Son of God, cast thyself down: for it is written, He shall give his angels charge concerning thee: and in their hands they shall bear thee up, lest at any time thou dash thy foot against a stone. Jesus said unto him, It is written again, Thou shalt not tempt the Lord thy God. Again, the devil taketh him up into an exceeding high mountain, and sheweth him all the kingdoms of the world, and the glory of them; And saith unto him, All these things will I give thee, if thou wilt fall down and worship me. Then saith Jesus unto him, Get thee hence, Satan: for it is written, Thou shalt worship the Lord thy God, and him only shalt thou serve. Then the devil leaveth him, and, behold, angels came and ministered unto him.”

As everyone knows me and who has read my blog over the years, they know I’ve done a Lenten series. This year I was distracted from that with this illness but lo, look at the past month. I have somewhat been forced to fast; no carbs and no sugar. I am being weakened by the doctor's dire prognosis, but I AM STRONG, I need you to know that THIS is my temptation! This is satan trying to lure me into his pit and my only strength is coming from the spiritual family that God has chosen to surround me with prayer at this time and Jesus Himself being the only set of footprints I see on the shore of healing. 

Primrose. You may remember a month ago my mother-in-law coming out to see me; she was bearing a gift of the primrose plant. It was a sad little plant wilting and hanging low. My MIL informed me the next day that she was sorry the plant looked so sad and she’d have to replace the little fella. I told her not to worry about, this lil guy was going to be just fine! 

Each day as its leaves curled and petals fell from the stem I tended the small tender plant with sunshine, love, and care. As I write today my lil survivor is now the beauty I knew it would be. He overcame the sadness with love and care and now has NEW flowers to show me as it basks in the Son! 

My visit to the Dollar Store this weekend found me purchasing a door hanger that said, 

“To plant a garden is to believe in tomorrow.” I BELIEVE in tomorrow!

God bless each and every one of you as you are faced with your own temptations and know that the Lord your God is with you all the way! 

Matt. 5:8 “Blessed are the pure in heart: for they shall see God.”

The Well Is Dry

“The most beautiful people we have known are those who have known defeat, known suffering, known struggle, known loss, and have found their way out of the depths. These persons have an appreciation, sensitivity, and an understanding of life that fills them with compassion, gentleness, and a deep loving concern. Beautiful people do not just happen.” 

– Elisabeth Kübler-Ross

The Well is Dry

After writing yesterday, I prayed about what I wrote and the reason behind why on earth would I share such a pity party post? Well, I know why, because even I have my bad days. People think because I laugh and make them smile that there is nothing wrong in Joni’s world, well let me tell you, there are things wrong in my world! 

Is it possible to focus too much on the Lord, therefore alienating yourself from the rest of the world? Am I to blame for all the angst in my life? I sometimes think I am. 

I’m trying to get back into writing and my well is dry. I woke this morning with a renewed faith when cool air kissed my cheek in the middle of summer. It was 6o degrees and a storm was about to erupt when all of a sudden, a poem came to my mind. The rain began falling, the thunder cheered with lightning displayed across the sky.

Was this God cheering me on? Was He letting me know He was right there and hasn’t left my side? It is as if He was filling my well with water to drink and words to write. The poem I wrote was, God is Crying. I normally write a poem, let it rest a day, then come back to the poem and fix anything that doesn’t work for me. Through the thundering morning and cool rain showers egging me on, I felt the need to post the words right away, so if you see something wrong with the poem, take it up with Him.

Proverbs 16:9 (NIV) “In his heart a man plans his course, but the LORD determines his steps.”

I sometimes wrongfully think I’m in control of my life when I know full well God is in complete control. When I whine of the pain I’m in and cry about the reasons my disability hinders me from doing what *I* want to do, I have to remember who it is I work for first and foremost. If anyone remembers (you have to go back to my posts from 2011-12) my disability hit me after my hubby got his sight back after being blind for two and a half years. The many hours behind the wheel driving to and from Omaha, sometimes two times a week, (6-8 hour trips) took its toll on the lumbar portion of my back.

Had this happened while he was blind, I would have never been able to do the work that I felt God had called me to do and that was to take care of my man. Yes, that was basically the job I signed up for when I met my beau but it was so much more than that. God had His hands in the stew the entire time and he decided to whip it up a bit to see how I handled the situation. 

I’m allowed a day or two to feel sorry for myself, by dagnammit, no one else will or does for that matter so I feel I have to have my bad days or I’ll never rise up and be more than the pain that defines me.

It’s weird how me having a bad day warrants hits on my blog out the gazoo! My happy, joyful posts might get 13-20 hits but my woeful, pained posts near the hundred and over hit mark, how odd is that? When I began this blog, it was all about the writing craft and when I decided to make it about God, I no longer wrote for other people, the hits or the followers, I took on the challenge to write what God wanted me to write and what I felt that He spoke to my heart to say to the world.

I no longer write to satisfy everyone else, I never LIVE to satisfy others; I only live for God, pain and all. I realize that God has me this way because my heavy lifting, hours upon hours of driving, snow shoveling and overworking myself days are over. I would have never stopped so God made sure I stopped, maybe so I wouldn’t further damage myself, after all, He did see ahead of the steps I take, this is His plan and not one of my own selfish making.

Sure I would love to be able to walk normally again, to dance while dusting, to skip while vacuuming, to meditate while mowing the lawn but that is not God’s plan for me. His plan is for me to rest. Maybe he has something big planned or maybe not, maybe the walk in the cornfields is His plan for me. Nah, I know that is not His plan, He told me so. Now you’ll have to tolerate me a little longer!

I’ll end this post on a happy note. While my husband is complaining that the 61 degrees and rain is too cold for the month of July (he LIKES the 100 degree days), I am relishing the dampness of an eight-hour rainfall accompanied by a dark overcast sky with stormy weather erupting every half hour or so. I have washed clothes, dried clothes, and folded them all because my back loves cooler temps and affords me more mobility than normal. Praise be to God.

I have written two blog posts today and all is right with the world…for today. May you look at God’s plan as the master plan for your life and your own plans as selfish fodder. Life is already too short to be giving up when YOU are done, always remember it will last until God is done!

“We think sometimes that poverty is only being hungry, naked and homeless. The poverty of being unwanted, unloved and uncared for is the greatest poverty. We must start in our own homes to remedy this kind of poverty.” 

– Mother Theresa

I Had a Bad Day...

Job 33:19 “He is chastened also with pain upon his bed, and the multitude of his bones with strong pain:”

I had a bad day…

If you’re looking for a happy-go-lucky post click a button that tells you to go to the next blog, this might not be worth reading for you today.

Yesterday I had a bad day. A good day to me is where I wake and can move without pain, that makes me happy. Tuesday I woke up and could move so I thought yay it’s going to be a good day. I always try to stay optimistic but here lately, I’ve lost all hope in optimism. With the world, with people, even with writing.

My body reacts to the extremely hot weather so much so my knees feel like balloons and if I try to do any outside activity they reach the bursting point and I have to return to the house and find solace sitting in front of the screen resting my knees but not my fingers. 

If you were one of those curious people who would ask a disabled person what is wrong with them, then I’d have to be honest and say, I don’t know. All of my vitality was sucked out of me as a Hoover vacuum went over my body and took most of the life out of me. Now I’m a barely walking zombie of sorts.

I live out in the middle of nowhere in the middle of the cornfields surrounding me in all directions. The only communication to the outside world is from my online friends and a daily call to my mother (twice on weekends). I can no longer drive because of my blurred vision so when my husband asked if I wanted to go to the mall Tuesday, I got excited, sure why not. (I often forget my disability and move full steam ahead without thinking, just ask my kneecap I cracked on the wall last week.)

I often feel like taking a walk into the cornfield until my legs buckle and just lie down and let the bugs eat me and wait for harvesting time when the big harvester of crops finishes off what is left of my body. Or walking through the woods and waiting for nightfall for the coyotes to come and devour me or maybe a mountain lion (who has been spotted in my area) would find me to be a good meal. No, I chose to go to the mall instead.

We get to the mall and no shopping carts, that make walking easier on me, are available at the mall. I made my way to the JCPenny door. Wow, I made it, now to make it allllllllll the way to the back of the store to the tiny shoe department. We must’ve gone up and down the two aisles of men shoes five times before it was declared, “I don’t see anything.” I know I’m a woman and should love to shop but I despise the event, even if it is online, I DON’T like shopping!

Let’s go to Shoe Express he says. He had seen the shoes he wanted online but here in the mall is the same store so they should be here, right? No, no they were not after hobbling all the way to the other side of the mall. We leave there without a purchase and pass another shoe store so we go in there. By this time the mall was slowly filling up with the bored-to-be-home-from-school-with-nothing-to-do people. Did you know people stare too long at imperfect people? Long glaring stares as if to say, “Is she faking or is she really wobbling, is she crippled, what?”

Another shoe store another no sale. I start making a beeline to the exit but we have to go through JCPenny because the truck was parked outside the entrance that we had come through. Great! The pain by this time was unbearable and my eyes started to water. No, wait, it wasn’t water, I made it to the truck, breathed a sigh of relief and began bawling my eyes out.

Now I’m throwing myself a pity party. I’m done, I’m just done watching the world go ‘round as I sit crippled unable to get help, for the pain, for a cure, for my life back. I wasn’t done living. I didn’t ask for it to be taken away and here I am hearing people complain because their pool water is too warm, that their A.C. is too cool, that their vacation wasn’t long enough, or that they’re tired from working too hard. The next step is a wheelchair, no other option for me but a wheelchair. (No the cane doesn't work for long walks.)

I sit here and stare out the window and watch the corn get taller and think to myself, maybe God will take me today, maybe I AM done. As the tears continue to roll down my cheek I realize, I made it home. I think I’ll wash clothes. No matter how making it through a day pains me, I’ll go on… God will be calling soon and I have to be ready to answer.

Pity party over...

Rev. 21:4 “And God shall wipe away all tears from their eyes, and there shall be no more death, neither sorrow, nor crying, neither shall there be any more pain: for the former things are passed away.”

Disability Awareness

These clouds explain what my body feels like

Job 14:22 “But his flesh upon him shall have pain, and his soul within him shall mourn.”

My friend posted an MS fact-check list, a slightly humorous take on what people endure and how misunderstood the disease is and compassion should be thought of before judging people with MS as just ‘dumb’. I have never thought that my Lower Lumbar Facet Joint Arthritis was so similar to MS and now I’m rethinking if I should be checked out. I think there is only two or three on the list that isn’t me but maybe I miss the signal?

I do not take meds. Having never been diagnosed, I self medicate with holistic healing and Vitamin B12. That’s been working for about three years now. I wonder now how much longer…

While I don’t feel I have MS, the symptoms are eerily close to what I suffer with every day.

“The cause of MS largely remains a mystery, even though the disease was discovered in 1868. Researchers know the nerve damage is caused by inflammation, but the cause of the inflammation is still unknown.”

 ~ The Heathline Editorial Team

20 facts about MS (Multiple Sclerosis)

** Fatigue – I’m always trying to work through fatigue. Just a shower is scary and exhausting.
**Walking Difficulties – The insulting remarks of ‘your so young’ hurt. Yes, I am young, I didn’t ASK to be ill. I didn’t insist on the inability to walk. And I’m NOT OLD! Show a little compassion.
**Spasticity – No this doesn’t mean I’m a spaz, this means my illness wins the majority of the time.
**Numbness – Again, insulting remarks of ‘You’re numb’, hurt. I take it to heart. Yes I am numb. While you can feel your fingers and toes, I really need to be careful because scalding myself is a real threat.
**Vision Problems – Again, people make remarks ‘that comes with old age’, if they knew what I suffered with DAILY they might understand that it is NOT OLD AGE! Driving does not feel safe so you, the ‘other’ driver, should be glad I recognize my inability to drive the same road as you.
**Dizziness – The pity look doesn’t help. Yeah, I’m sorry this is happening but don’t look at me with pity, try understanding!
**Bladder – Some days are better than others, be glad.
**Cognitive Difficulties – I’m not old! This happens to people with MS and I relate to what they are going through.
**Pain – I occasionally take generic Naproxin and it helps a little. Meditation helps more. I’m glad I learned that skill when I was young. (there) Apparently our nerves are misfiring sending mixed signals to our brain.
Swallowing Problems – no. But don’t ask me a question while I’m chewing. 
**Heat and Cold Intolerance – A little understanding goes a long way when I pass on an outing if it is too cold or too hot outside. 
**Speech Problems – While mocking my wrong choice of wording, understand the cognitive energy it is taking for me to even verbalize a complete sentence.
**Emotional Changes – Maybe it is NOT PMS! It is NOT pre-menopause/menopause! Did you ever think I’m having a hard time dealing with my disability as much as you don’t like seeing a vibrant, beautiful, YOUNG woman wobble across the floor?
**Itching – My goodness. The numbness makes me itch! Once I start, I can’t seem to stop.
Tremors – no, but I do have a lot of eye spasms.
**Breathing Problems – I get out of breath very quickly. Reading out loud is a chore in itself.
**Hearing Loss – Not LOSS, but the ringing, fluttering and the feeling I’ve been swimming all day creeps up on me but it does go away.
*Sexual Problems – Life is not all about sex! 
Headaches – not many
**Seizures – I don’t have the uncontrollable jerking kind, I have lapses of consciousness where it feels like I’m daydreaming in a world that is spinning. Or the jello legs. I’ll be walking and a nerve just sends my ankle bending. Sometimes I catch myself, sometimes I fall. 

#10 - Swallowing and #19 – headaches - are not on MY list. I do feel as the years go on I will add the other two and maybe possibly become wheelchair bound. Many people don’t see me in a wheelchair so they just assume ‘I’ll get better’. I’m going to do more and more research on this and I have to thank my friend for posting this on his facebook wall. Maybe he didn’t know why God led him to post this but let me assure you, as I read, I cried because of the realization that this is me. I didn’t cry because I was sad that this was me, I cried because it opened my eyes and made me see me for who I am now, and I accept this, I just wish everyone else did too.

5-13-15 Wedding Day

Spring Cleaning My Soul

Job 37:21 “And now men see not the bright light which is in the clouds: but the wind passeth, and cleanseth them.”

The tiny seed knew that in order to grow it had to be set in the dirt, covered in darkness, and struggle to see the light! I myself have plunged through the darkness as it tried to envelope my soul, I stretched out toward the light and that is the time I burst forth with growth. The dirt (darkness) enriched me and cleansed my soul.

I know it is early for Spring-cleaning but it is never too early for cleaning of the soul of all the leftover fragments scattered behind from the previous year. With the doozy of a year behind me, the dismantling of the Christmas season, I’m faced with a liberating feeling of cleanliness. That is what happens when you clean up and put away the old and make way for the new. 

Only five days into the New Year and already I’m feeling the presence of change, so much so that it is moving along in a smooth flow: of words, of actions, of deeds and of promise. This year is setting itself up to be a rapid succession of energy that spills out into my writing, my cleaning and my meditating. I’m in awe of the visible transition.

Some people would rather wait until spring to clean out closets, toss away old clothing, get rid of unused stuff and junk, but me, I do my spring-cleaning when my soul calls me to make some semblance of this clutter that has filled these four walls. I didn’t start off the new year wanting to clean and shake this house up and get rid of the excess baggage tagging along collecting cobwebs. It just came upon me as I slept, hugged me when I woke, and moved me into action.

Granted my back is in no better shape than it was last year but this year I’m not letting my disability alter my active lifestyle I had before this thing called arthritis gripped my NOT-OLD back! I have not even reached the half a century mark and my back thinks it is moving into the seventies. Since my mind is still back there in time, where the thirty-year mark saw the seedling spurt with growing pains, now my nearly half a century old mind is giving a speeding ticket to my body and telling it to ‘hold on now’! But hi ho silver and away I go growing like a newly planted seed.

I’m not one to hoard because I learned quite a few years ago that they are all materials and can be gone in the blink of an eye and all you have to hold onto is memories of the physical hindrances, sometimes called artifacts of your past. This ‘stuff’ that I’m soul-cleaning is newly acquired stuff lodged in my mind as new experiences, new thoughts, and brighter comfort zones. 

I have a tendency to hold onto my old ways, my own pattern of thinking, not allowing the new age of things to play games in the basketball court of my mind. My soul-cleaning is going to consist of closing the doors on the negative thoughts that sometime ensnare me in their web and cloud my God thoughts as satan has set out to do on this earth. 

If I seem to be living my life out there on a cloud, distanced from what some call reality, it is my way of clinging to the new growth that is before me awaiting the springtime air, the season of MY New Year, and the bringing forth the solidarity of strength in my eternity. If I dip into the pool of confusion, like so many cling to this day and age, I will lose sight of my self worth and become stagnant in a clouded puddle. 

Pss. 91:1 “He that dwelleth in the secret place of the most High shall abide under the shadow of the Almighty.”

I will continue on the path of soul-cleaning, bouncing back refreshed and renewed with a new perspective on life. Some will enjoy the change, some will hide because they fear change, some will embrace my soul-cleansing and come along for the ride.

John 15:3 “Now ye are clean through the word which I have spoken unto you.”

May God bless YOU on whatever journey YOU are embarking on this year. 

Dysfunctional Family

Luke 17:3 “Take heed to yourselves: If thy brother trespass against thee, rebuke him; and if he repent, forgive him.”

Family

Many know of the circumstances of my family. I’ve said over and over again we’re not a tight knit, religious in any way family but oftentimes that leaves people scratching their heads and saying “What?”

Let me paint a picture: I have an older brother, J, who is 59 and living in Tennessee somewhere. I haven’t spoke to him in about 13 years and there really is no doorway to communication for reasons I won’t elaborate.

Then there is my second eldest, T: He’s an oxycontin addict/alcoholic living somewhere in Baltimore doing the ‘house squatting’ thing ie: moving from house to house, flopping wherever he can.

Then there is Ja who I just spoke to yesterday. (more about him later)

There is M who is married to a woman 16 years his senior living happily high on life in the ‘we’re doing great ignoring you’ world.

Then there is my sister, T, who is wrapped up in her family struggling to be everything for my mother and father. I haven’t spoke to her since June when her grandbaby was born.

What a mixed up mess, eh? There you have it, altogether six non-communicative siblings and a dying father and a disabled mother. I call my mother daily and I have for the thirteen years since I left home for brighter horizons. Little did I know I’d be out here, in the middle of nowhere with the inability to ever return home ie: my birthplace.

Last week when my father fell ill, I thought he’d be home by Sunday but he wasn’t so I took it upon myself to notify Ja. (I’m using initials to protect their privacy) Ja had no idea my father was sick, no one felt the need to inform him and he thanked me.

Him and I were the closest of all siblings and as dysfunctional life proves, no one was happy seeing US get along and well, that is where a lot of resentment arose. Even my mother and father were annoyed of our friendship. And that is what it was, a friendship. I befriended the black sheep and no one else did. As always *I* was the lone warrior in an extremely dysfunctional family.

At one time in my life, I was the only one that spoke to EVERY single one of them. I was there for them, their kids, the parties, the births of their children, the godmother of two, the helper of all. Even my mother and father, I was the only one who was there for EVERY thing! When my brother Ja had a second child I thought I’d be a godmother for a third time but no, he asked my sister whom he was TRYING to be a friend to in some way. (Yeah, that didn’t work out for him so well as you can imagine.)

By the time I left home, it was MY time. I had to finally realize that there was no hope, no one left to LOVE the only way I knew how to love. I was branding myself a ‘self-imposed’ black sheep. The pain I went through the first six years or so after I left, no one knew, no one cared, no one called, I was alone without the crutch of the dysfunctional family.

Yes, *I* called, I cared and I still tried to hold onto the crutch until I couldn’t hold onto the nothingness any longer and let it slip through my fingers like liquid in a strainer. I had to let go to embrace the new family I had joined and was welcomed into with open arms. I am not judged out here in the middle of nowhere. I’m not expected to do and be more than I can be and isn’t that what life is all about really? Being accepted for who you are?

“And the day came when, the risk to remain in a tight bud, was more painful than the risk it took… to BLOSSOM.” ~ Anais Nin

My brother and I spoke for well over an hour yesterday. He went on and on about his kids, his life and how much he strives to be the father to his kids that my father wasn’t to us. He asked about the siblings and he was shocked to find out that our sister lived not far up the road from him and that three of her kids lived there with her. I did tell him that I didn’t want to come home and see my father in an urn or a coffin and he understood. Completely understood.

I did get to squeeze into the conversation that sometimes I had to walk with a cane because of arthritis in my back and he was like, “Wow, how old ARE you?” Then we went over the siblings’ ages and whatnot, finally ending the conversation with the ‘I love you’ and stay in touch jargon.

After the call ended, I was hit smack dab in the forehead with realization. None of them know me. Do they know I’m a writer? I’m the editor of a newsletter? Do any know of my pain and suffering with arthritis? Do any of them care about MY life or that I’m even alive?

I got the answer from my Father in heaven on whether I should return home to see my family. NO was plain and clear not much unlike my father on earth had said when asked if I should come home, “Maybe next time.”

Don’t pity me or misunderstand where I’m coming from, I am at PEACE with every decision I’ve made in my life and I WILL go on living the life that God Himself has etched out for me.

“Trust yourself. You’ve survived a lot and you’ll survive whatever is coming.”

 ~ Robert Tew

Sometimes...

"Just because a person ‘looks’ fine on the outside, doesn’t mean they aren’t suffering with debilitating pain on the inside. Just as you wouldn’t judge a book by its cover, don’t judge a person because they ‘look’ fine." ~ Joni

Sometimes…

Sometimes… my tears fall down like rain

Sometimes… I smile through all the pain

Sometimes… I’m judged by what you see

Sometimes… there's no fun in being me.

Sometimes… the clouds wash o’er my soul

Sometimes… I’m left not feeling whole

Sometimes… someone should take my hand

Sometimes… I need you to understand.

Sometimes… the sun don’t ever shine

Sometimes… I’m not doing ‘fine’

Sometimes… the tears won’t ever fall

Sometimes… I hide behind it all.

Sometimes… I hear the Lord demand

Sometimes… He says child take my hand

Sometimes… when tears fall down like rain

Those times… He carries all my pain.

Job 33:19 He is chastened also with pain upon his bed, and the multitude of his bones with strong pain:

 

 

Reminiscent

Luke 23: 42 And he said unto Jesus, Lord, remember me when thou comest into thy kingdom.

I remember telling Adam I sometimes wish I had never left Baltimore. His response kind of shocked me. “But mom, look at all the people whose lives you touched. That wouldn’t have happened back there and you know it.”

I had an ‘It’s a Wonderful Life’ moment. Really? I touch people? I didn’t know whether he meant ‘touched’ people and their lives or had an affect on them. Let me see: I would’ve not signed up to WVU, I would have never met this awesome family in Nebraska and had a chance to see what normal looked like. I would have not crossed the path of so many who needed a prayer or a lifting of spirits; I would’ve never met mu church family; I would not have been me.

Joining the WVU community brought me to hundreds of minds like mine. Back home I wasn’t ‘allowed’ to make use of friendships on the internet. They were all mass killers in the minds of my sick people surrounding me, who by the way had tried to make ME believe that, but I’m a rebel at heart.

I have said many of times how GOD brought me to Nebraska so I won’t repeat the story again. But had I not rebelled against ‘my people’ I would have not been able to reach out and touch many lives. Through all of these people I feel love pouring through my screen and not the demented love of my blood family, real caring and compassionate love.

So after Monday’s post, which I started writing Sunday by the way, God placed something on my heart and yesterday on facebook two of my Christian friends posted this same scripture!

Proverbs 3:5-8 NASB Trust in the Lord with all your heart and do not lean on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge Him, and He will make your paths straight. Do not be wise in your own eyes; Fear the Lord and turn away from evil. It will be healing to your body and refreshment to your bones.

Let me tell you, I have a strong community of Christian online friends who might not be physical to me but we all have such a strong spiritual connection it exceeds anything physical!

Now you read my post of Monday and think, “Wow she’s losing it.” But no, really I’m reflecting on everything. Doggone me, I sure do a lot of reflecting and soul searching. That’s the way God made me.

I’m putting things into perspective here. I cannot worry what he does or what he doesn’t do, I have to worry what * I * do and as long as I stay focused on God, I will be carried by Him. I wrote a poem a while back titled ‘Your Sin is Not My Sin’. And I need to practice what I preach. Not worry about HIS sin and what he does, just worry about me and MY relationship to God.

While I go around lifting people up in prayer, presenting a happy-go-lucky lifestyle, inside I cringe. I’m tired of being made to feel stupid, I’m tired of people correcting me like everything I do is tagged as wrong, whether it is spelling, comma usage, or dangling participles. I guess as a writer I need to be made aware of my mistakes, but on a social site? I let go of everything; I typo, I often make mistakes but guess what I KNOW I make mistakes and sitting there editing everything on my facebook wall is nothing but paranoia of being pegged as stupid.

Since being diagnosed with arthritis in my back, not only does it cause me imbalance, it affects EVERYTHING I do in life from dressing myself to cooking and cleaning. In my physical world, I’m looked at as a poor crippled who can’t do anything. In the virtual world, no one sees my disability and doesn’t understand the daily pain I go through just to get out of bed and make them smile.

It affects my mind too. I’ll try and think of something, and often I can’t grasp what I’m even thinking. An example; months ago I was looking for a magic marker and I said, “Do you have a harpie I could borrow?”

I was looked at, laughed at and then responded to, “Do you mean a SHARPIE?” Isn’t that what I said? It is what I meant but it isn’t what came out of my mouth. It happens too often and instead of compassion, I get mocked.

I think God is showing me the way people are treated on a daily basis with even the most minor of disabilities. Imagine being an amputee and having your prosthetic leg stolen. Yeah, it happened in Pennsylvania at an Eagles game. People assume the disabled are smaller people than their higher-than-mighty selves.

Being reminiscent of all I’m enduring has made me think of bigger things that I have no control over and that I need not focus on. I am me and God made me this way. I need to focus on God and me but mostly God and giving it all up to Him!