I Need You To Know

Prov. 19: 20-21 (NLT) “Get all the advice and instruction you can, so you will be wise the rest of your life. You can make many plans, but the LORD’s purpose will prevail.” 

This week I was emotionally hit by someone who told me what I need to do with my body. It was a supposed dear friend who knows what I am enduring with this diagnosis of a lifetime. He went on to tell me that God wants me to take care of my body and I'm being selfish not thinking of my loved ones by not going the slice, dice, and radiate route. I told him that the chemo route could only give me five years and he said it was better than five months. He feels the route I'm taking is limiting me to five months time?

I don't know personally how this person listens to God, but I know how I do and how God listens and hears me! Throughout this slightly traumatic event that this supposed friend put me through, God has reached out through scripture, placing what I need to see and hear in front of my eyes, in my email, or just by chance. I don't believe in coincidence so I know it is God who is giving me messages and not the enemy of attack! God had my dear friends come out in full force of support for me and I know each of them to be Godly Christians, not the twice-a-year Christian. So who will I listen to? Dear friends who God sends or a supposed friend who a month ago told me to go climb back under my rock because I'm not wrapped up in this materialistic world as the rest of the people? I think you know the answer to that.

Friends, let me tell you. I did not make this decision blindly or loosely. I'm not one of those people whose child is dying and I don't take him to the hospital because God is the almighty healer and will fix it all! No, I prayed first and foremost at the beginning (and I still do, just so you know.) God sent me on this path! He heard my prayer and understood so He agreed to be here for me no matter how bumpy and craggy the road got. No matter how many people jumped out in front of me to try and instill fear in me, God would handle them and me! I have not wavered in faith one time on this journey. People have but I have not and I will not apologize for my strength.

The person hit me below the belt. I'm still weak when it comes to opposition, and this opened a door of doubt and fear I wasn't ready for. But God swooped in via scripture and supportive friends to relieve any doubt and fear and has me once again embracing this journey. The person went on to tell me that if what I'm doing is not working I need to get to a doctor immediately. For one, how does he know if what I'm doing is or is not working and second of all, who is he to tell me what to do with MY body? Boy, that really got me unnecessarily riled up! When I need peace the most, I was hit with worry and stress. Interesting, isn't that usually what the enemy uses to attack with? 

Can I paint a scenario of what would happen if I chose the conventional route at ANY time during this illness? Chemo can 'maybe' give me five-to-ten years of life. After cutting me open, radiation, and scientifically known toxic drugs. Oops, they missed some of the yuks, cut me open again exposing the C-cells to air. Oops its spread, cut me open again to remove ovaries, oops it spread again, cut me open some more, remove my lung, my lymph nodes gone, my immune system shot. No fight left in my genetics or my spirit. The next ten years would be putting myself and my family through a chopping block of pain, literally! In and out of the hospital month after month with new trauma after new trauma only to watch me wither, crumble and die in hospice hooked to machines. In the five years of chopping me up, my 105 lb. weight dwindles to 60lbs. How is THAT selfish of me? I want to spare my husband and son that pain AND suffering!

That is exactly what happened to MANY members of my immediate family. They were not distant aunts and uncles. One was my grandmother, my dads' mother. One was my dad's sister and one was my mother's aunt. On both sides of my genetics, this scenario played out year after year with family members that I also didn't even know. I CHOSE not to be a victim of slice and dice. I found too numerous to count testimonies of people who SUCCESSFULLY went a different route! Why would I NOT try this? My family before me chose THEIR route, even though there was no internet of alternative routes available to them. They actually trusted their doctor and the numerous toxic drugs they put in their body. They all died!

Friends, it is inevitable that I am going to die. So are you. Granted we would all rather die later than sooner. We would all love to spare our loved ones the pain of losing us but when in history did that become our choice in when we die? NO ONE has chosen when they die except via suicide. I'm choosing to live as long as I possibly can, maintaining my health on a daily basis and that is more than I can say for a lot of folks who could care less about their health. But I'm the selfish bad guy for wanting to LIVE? Something is seriously wrong with that mentality. 

I can't guarantee that this route will be a success. A doctor can't guarantee chemo either. There are no guarantees in life! I don't want to leave my husband and son but THAT is not my choice! I just want to hold fast to my unwavering faith and show people that God reigns supreme in this world. The world is full of choices in life, many a matter of life and death, you live or you die. I choose God over man; life over death. You make your choices, I make mine unselfishly always putting God first! I may be wrong, I may be right but I know in my soul that eternal life is awaiting me. All praise and glory to God!

Pss. 27:3  "Though an host should encamp against me, my heart shall not fear: though war should rise against me, in this will I be confident."

*note: both scriptures in today's post were sent to me

by happenstance. Thank you, Lord! 

You Only Live Once

1 Chron. 29:13 “Now therefore, our God, we thank thee, and praise thy glorious name.”

You only live once!

I hear this too often from people justifying their unhealthy eating and drinking habits. “Well, you only live once, so I’m going to eat all I can whenever and whatever I want.” But when you get sick and on your deathbed, you don’t realize what you are putting your loved ones through. Was that toxic double burger, with melted cheddar, fried onions, lettuce and tomato worth putting your family through an emotional hell that they have to live with for the rest of their lives?

What’s so ironic is I was never overweight, never thought I had bad eating habits, but here I sit with an illness that many people wouldn’t have the strength or willpower to fight, nevertheless, have their families fight for them. I’ve never gone on a diet in my life, I never colored my hair, heck, I’ve never even been to the beauty parlor in my life. Mani/Pedi? What are those? (I know what they ARE but you get my meaning, I’ve never had the NEED for them.) FYI: I am a self-maintenance woman!

You see, I’ve always been conscientious of what I put into my body so I could live a nice long life for my family. That is why my battle with drugs/alcohol happened at the ripe age of twenty-one. Now here I am, with an illness that has FORCED me to rethink life, and my unhealthy eating habits. What did I eat that was so unhealthy? Pasta, bread, processed meats, canned food, a Pepsi a day, yeah one! And three cups of coffee. I was never a big sweets and dessert person, which I am so glad because this disease would’ve more than likely hit sooner! All foods that turned out to be the toxins eating me away.

Yup, this disease loves sugar and carbs and I’ve eliminated them too late. Or is it in time? We’ll have to see on that one. I have every bit of faith that God and I will nip this thing in the butt and in the meantime I just want to scream from the rooftops, or from this blogosphere, LIFE IS SHORTER THAN YOU THINK, PEOPLE!!!

As my doctor bills mount from what my insurance didn’t cover, I didn’t draw concern because I knew that God in all His Glory assured me that He had this covered, and sure enough, He does!!!! Miracles DO HAPPEN! Every day I wake and praise a Mighty God, trusting Him to carry me through another day and praising Him for waking me to pass through this day. I thank Him every morning I wake up and am grateful to Him for allowing me the opportunity to feel so dadgum good in a world drenched in sickness. I am empowered to be His voice in trying darkened times. 

I’m wondering if you’re all tired of me talking about my unwavering faith and trust in God? Tired of me talking about the toxic lives we live? I can’t help it, friends. The way I see it, some of my words (or links) might provide you with the change you NEED or were looking for but kept putting off because, “Hey, we only live once, I’m going to do what I want and eat what I want and die HAPPY!” Maybe you see me and what I’m going through with vitality and want a bit of what I have. I'll share, I have God, life, energy, and a most humble nature (and the best friends ever.)

Rest assured, I can guarantee if ‘you only live once’ is the way you feel about life, you will NOT die happy. You will be relinquished to a fetal position in some uncaring hospital, allowed to dry up, wither and die, ALONE! But if you have a family, they get to witness your brutal choice of this death scene.

Jam. 5:5 “Ye have lived in pleasure on the earth, and been wanton; ye have nourished your hearts, as in a day of slaughter.”

You see, you live for the pleasure of the day. You don’t think of tomorrow, or your children or grandchildren, you live for you and your happiness. You have the theory ingrained in your head that ‘you only live once’ and that scares me as I think of heaven and it not being as full as people ‘who only live once’ will never have the pleasure of seeing. I hold eternity in my pocket!

I think that’s what makes me different among men (and women), I don’t live for earthly pleasures, I live for one day getting the opportunity to kiss heavens gate and to be welcomed in with open arms.

I have plenty to keep me busy these days around the house to ready myself for spring, like Spring cleaning! Yes, I love this time of year, out with the old, in with the new! I am healing, I am well, and I am LIVING! Living for my God! 
May God reach out to each and every one of you and rain blessings upon you!

Pss. 9:1 “I will praise thee, O LORD, with my whole heart; I will shew forth all thy marvellous works.”

MTOC ~ Day Four: Mysteries of God

Philippians 3:13-14 (NIV)

One thing I do: Forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead, I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus.

I should be dead right now. When I was three-years-old my brother and sister were pushing me on a swing when my cries to stop pushing me higher didn’t get them to stop, they continued until I jumped off the swing and flew toward the wire fence, catching my wrist and slicing it like a thanksgiving day turkey. I have the stitches to prove it. I should be dead but I lived.

You’d think that by doing all the drugs I did as a child LSD, PCP, the enormous amount of marijuana, and not to mention my overdose on alcohol would have killed me, but here I am, alive to tell about it. People like me should be dead but here’s the thing, I think God had a plan. I know many of you don’t believe in God, you don’t believe in something greater than yourself and you know why? Because you’re selfish, you think of you. I didn’t mean that to be judgmental, I meant it as an observance on MY healing.

I was not one consumed with myself, I put others before me. Sure I was a bad kid but I always thought of the other people before I thought of healing myself. I turned to God because I had heard he was a great healer and after the loss of my firstborn child (at sixteen) to stillbirth, The Holy Spirit consumed me and helped me during my grief and stayed with me to this day.

When you care for other people, which means you love, you can’t have love in you without God being in you because God IS love. Some people see it that way while others just see love as an emotion. Many religions and spiritual faiths revolve around love. Love is the center and the God of their faith, period.

As dysfunctional as my upbringing was, I never knew what Meth was or heroine, and I NEVER stuck a needle in my arm; in some form, that was my saving grace. At twenty-one years old as I started down the path of change, I watched many ‘friends’ die by making the wrong choice in life. Whether it was by an overdose, a shooting, jail, or trying to reform, death was surrounding me but yet I was alive and breaking free. I didn’t see it as scientific, I know it wasn’t ‘luck’, I never believed in coincidence, the one thing that was left was GOD. God saved me and HE guided me. 

My twenty-year marriage wasn’t ALL that bad as I seem to paint it, we had some pretty good years and the birth of a living son. It was toward the end when we started growing apart instead of growing together. I saw a future in writing. I was witnessing my growth and seeing the impact that God was having on my life. I saw my growth and healing and my ex didn’t want to grow and change for the better, he just wanted to control and obsess. 

So I wound up in Texas after giving up all of my earthly possessions. My husband gave me two weeks to get out of ‘his’ house. I took my son and saw a brighter future for him than the Baltimore streets would have ever allowed.

I had met a stranger online and for ten months we got to know one another on a spiritual level. He wasn’t a George Clooney prince coming to save me, he was more of a John Cusack silent knight in shining armor coming to my emotional rescue. My husband knew he had lost the battle to control me so he let me go and feigned defeat. 

The night before I left, Steven and I went to my sister’s for dinner and to say our goodbyes to the kids. No one showed up except my mother. My sister and I left on bitter terms because I had sat a rock on her precious oak table. I told her my Rock was the reason I had the strength to follow on a path that will lead me away. To this day, I still have the rock, the physical one AND the Spiritual Rock! 

Alone in Texas, I had to redefine myself; learn to love this stranger on what was now a physical level. It didn’t happen immediately and we had to grow to be better people and as a team WE chose God and the church (or did God choose us?) My son, Steven and I all grew together to become one family, united. Again, it was not luck, not science, no coincidence involved, it was something greater and more spiritual that drove us. 

Six growing years in Texas for me when we found a fork in the road called blindness. We had to move to Nebraska and surround ourselves with his family who could empower us to get through a very troubled time. His family is one that had God in their lives instilled early on by grandparents. The light of their ancestry shone round about us as we embarked on this journey. On April 26th, my deceased daughter Astri’s birthday, we sailed (or I drove) off to the safe haven of the Midwest.

Strength washed over us, the Church was our anchor and his family was the boat that drifted us into a safe harbor. Miraculously his sight was restored two and a half years later, prayers were answered and as we anchored ourselves to the shore, six years after we arrived in Nebraska we were united in marriage surrounded by my son and his mother. 

The mysteries of God is there for everyone to behold but again we live in a world where everyone but a few are consumed with themselves; what they can get out of the world, what the world owes them and who is to blame for nothing happening the way they planned. The Mysteries of God are unraveling before me, and the only way for me to relay the story is to fulfill my purpose and my dream and that is to WRITE. 

God Bless you ALL!

Ecc. 3:1 “To every thing there is a season, and a time to every purpose under the heaven:” 

Day 2:Selfish me

Isa.13:7 Therefore shall all hands be faint, and every man's heart shall melt:
***

Well this is Adam's second day in school. He liked his English class where they will be reading To Kill a Mockingbird for this first semester. Two other kids and himself were the only ones who’ve already read the book. Out of twenty some kids, 3 have read this classic.

He liked Workshop, Physical Science, and his Spanish class where they have a virtual teacher? My how times have changed. There is no real teacher in the classroom, she is via Skype, teaching. I do have to wonder what happens when the kids spit a spitball at the screen. Well, I read that they have camera’s around the room to monitor, but is this really what our classrooms have come down to? Will we be putting teachers out of jobs soon and let the virtual things teach?

Adam didn’t like being away from home and I didn’t like him being away. We’re pals, buddies, we lean on one another like two peas in a pod. I’ll know more how he feels by Friday. You can’t judge in one day. Getting lost and not knowing things like all of the other kids, not having friends like all the other kids, and wandering around dazed and confused in a new place on the first day can be kind of scary to a ‘babe in the woods’.

I am being selfish in saying, it was me and all me who raised him. Steven and I are raising him. I give the love, tenderhearted support and Steven does the dishing out of chores and making sure things get done in an orderly manner. It’s not all about me. There are three people being affected and as Adam’s bus was appearing outside to drop him off from school, both Steven and I raced to hear the exciting news of how his day went.

This will definitely take some getting used to and as my heart bleeds each and every second I don’t see Adam, I know this is for the best. I just wish everyone would stop with the, “This will help him grow.”  “This will benefit you both.” “This is the best thing you could have done for him.” and oh so many more things to try and make me feel better.

I’m glad you all have the right answers and since you have the manual on “How to Raise a Child Exceedingly Perfect” could you keep it to yourself? It is like when someone dies you say, “He/She’s in a better place.” Do you know that for a fact? No. You’re saying it to be a comfort but sometimes, well all the time, it is no comfort to the person who just lost someone. They want that person back and words are not going to do it!

I do thank all my friends for their support. I would not have gotten through yesterday without those kind words. And after all, Adam is ALIVE and he came home! It doesn’t seem like we spent any time together yesterday. Two, three, four hours doesn’t cut it, when we normally spent at least 16 waking hours a day together.

I’m in Zombie mode. I’ll make it and I’ll write all about it...someday.

THANK YOU FOR YOUR SUPPORT!