I Need You To Know

Prov. 19: 20-21 (NLT) “Get all the advice and instruction you can, so you will be wise the rest of your life. You can make many plans, but the LORD’s purpose will prevail.” 

This week I was emotionally hit by someone who told me what I need to do with my body. It was a supposed dear friend who knows what I am enduring with this diagnosis of a lifetime. He went on to tell me that God wants me to take care of my body and I'm being selfish not thinking of my loved ones by not going the slice, dice, and radiate route. I told him that the chemo route could only give me five years and he said it was better than five months. He feels the route I'm taking is limiting me to five months time?

I don't know personally how this person listens to God, but I know how I do and how God listens and hears me! Throughout this slightly traumatic event that this supposed friend put me through, God has reached out through scripture, placing what I need to see and hear in front of my eyes, in my email, or just by chance. I don't believe in coincidence so I know it is God who is giving me messages and not the enemy of attack! God had my dear friends come out in full force of support for me and I know each of them to be Godly Christians, not the twice-a-year Christian. So who will I listen to? Dear friends who God sends or a supposed friend who a month ago told me to go climb back under my rock because I'm not wrapped up in this materialistic world as the rest of the people? I think you know the answer to that.

Friends, let me tell you. I did not make this decision blindly or loosely. I'm not one of those people whose child is dying and I don't take him to the hospital because God is the almighty healer and will fix it all! No, I prayed first and foremost at the beginning (and I still do, just so you know.) God sent me on this path! He heard my prayer and understood so He agreed to be here for me no matter how bumpy and craggy the road got. No matter how many people jumped out in front of me to try and instill fear in me, God would handle them and me! I have not wavered in faith one time on this journey. People have but I have not and I will not apologize for my strength.

The person hit me below the belt. I'm still weak when it comes to opposition, and this opened a door of doubt and fear I wasn't ready for. But God swooped in via scripture and supportive friends to relieve any doubt and fear and has me once again embracing this journey. The person went on to tell me that if what I'm doing is not working I need to get to a doctor immediately. For one, how does he know if what I'm doing is or is not working and second of all, who is he to tell me what to do with MY body? Boy, that really got me unnecessarily riled up! When I need peace the most, I was hit with worry and stress. Interesting, isn't that usually what the enemy uses to attack with? 

Can I paint a scenario of what would happen if I chose the conventional route at ANY time during this illness? Chemo can 'maybe' give me five-to-ten years of life. After cutting me open, radiation, and scientifically known toxic drugs. Oops, they missed some of the yuks, cut me open again exposing the C-cells to air. Oops its spread, cut me open again to remove ovaries, oops it spread again, cut me open some more, remove my lung, my lymph nodes gone, my immune system shot. No fight left in my genetics or my spirit. The next ten years would be putting myself and my family through a chopping block of pain, literally! In and out of the hospital month after month with new trauma after new trauma only to watch me wither, crumble and die in hospice hooked to machines. In the five years of chopping me up, my 105 lb. weight dwindles to 60lbs. How is THAT selfish of me? I want to spare my husband and son that pain AND suffering!

That is exactly what happened to MANY members of my immediate family. They were not distant aunts and uncles. One was my grandmother, my dads' mother. One was my dad's sister and one was my mother's aunt. On both sides of my genetics, this scenario played out year after year with family members that I also didn't even know. I CHOSE not to be a victim of slice and dice. I found too numerous to count testimonies of people who SUCCESSFULLY went a different route! Why would I NOT try this? My family before me chose THEIR route, even though there was no internet of alternative routes available to them. They actually trusted their doctor and the numerous toxic drugs they put in their body. They all died!

Friends, it is inevitable that I am going to die. So are you. Granted we would all rather die later than sooner. We would all love to spare our loved ones the pain of losing us but when in history did that become our choice in when we die? NO ONE has chosen when they die except via suicide. I'm choosing to live as long as I possibly can, maintaining my health on a daily basis and that is more than I can say for a lot of folks who could care less about their health. But I'm the selfish bad guy for wanting to LIVE? Something is seriously wrong with that mentality. 

I can't guarantee that this route will be a success. A doctor can't guarantee chemo either. There are no guarantees in life! I don't want to leave my husband and son but THAT is not my choice! I just want to hold fast to my unwavering faith and show people that God reigns supreme in this world. The world is full of choices in life, many a matter of life and death, you live or you die. I choose God over man; life over death. You make your choices, I make mine unselfishly always putting God first! I may be wrong, I may be right but I know in my soul that eternal life is awaiting me. All praise and glory to God!

Pss. 27:3  "Though an host should encamp against me, my heart shall not fear: though war should rise against me, in this will I be confident."

*note: both scriptures in today's post were sent to me

by happenstance. Thank you, Lord! 

I'm Alive

James 5:16 (ESV) “Therefore, confess your sins to one another and pray for one another, that you may be healed. The prayer of a righteous person has great power as it is working.” 

I’m Alive

Everyone draws concern when I'm away from the social media platform for a week. I imagine they all think the worst and have me dead in the still of the night. But I digress they all might just wonder whatever happened to me as my daily postings come to a halt. I love you all immensely!

I wish I was well enough to bring you great news, but no, I’m down and don’t want to bring others down with me. It’s hard visiting the social media world and see everyone happily moving along, portraying the perfect life while I’m out here miserable. And I know, they all have imperfect lives also they just like portraying the facade. I just could never do that in all honesty. I like dripping truth onto the page and sweeping up the mess as I move along.

I’m now housebound for the summer. I was housebound for the extensive, extremely frozen over winter and now that we've jumped right into summer with a day or two of a spring feel to it, I'm housebound again. I'm grumpy and not liking anything these days so I figure if I stay away from my friends and the social media, I can try and mend without hurting anyone with my snide lashings.

My inability to walk came to a complete standstill last week when I had finished mowing. I used to walk with a limp but now I can't even make it down a pair of stairs, and before you start telling me to see a doctor, that's easier said than done. If you're willing to come and shower and clothe me and place me in the vehicle and take me to the doctor, (if you can find a wheelchair when you get there) then attending a doctors office is not in the picture any time soon. Yeah, it's gotten that bad in just a week. 

My writing has come to a standstill, my walking to a halt, my mowing at a deadlock, my showering when I can, my joy on hiatus. I now write in Yahoo notepad since my MS Word is malfunctioning. My walking, what little I can do, is done with a cane in hand, my mowing is now my husband's fun. My joy? Well, that's taking its sweet old time in resurfacing as the enemy thinks its time to hit me full force!

I thought my riding lawn mower was going to be my welcomed joy this summer, heat or no heat, I would be out and enjoying SOMETHING in the world, but no, it just wasn't meant to be for me. Last week when I got off the mower my legs nearly crumbled. I came in the house to sit down and sitting felt like I had just sat on an ice pick and no one could remove the steel point hitting the nerve in my back. I was in pain worse than I had been in a few weeks ago when I didn't want to visit family but I did. I could not lie down (still can't), I could barely sit, cooking was out of the question so I just sat, and cried, a good long sobbing cry. The uneven land out here and every jostle the mower took, so did my already damaged back. 

I've rested this week staring out the window at the squirrels, bunnies, and birds. We've had pretty intense heat in the upper nineties so peeking my head out the door even became an unbearable task. This is not the kind of heat that arthritic people can endure. I'm here and I'm alive. I don't have my peppy optimism and inspirational spring in my step; negativity from the outside world seeps in whether aimed at me or not, so avoiding the social world helps. I just can't bear to see people happily enjoying the very thing that will kill me in the foods they eat and post happily because well, it's not killing them, yet. YET!

I do like seeing people happy and changing the very way they view their obesity. To overcome weight problems is a chore and one that deserves high-fives and demands hugs! I hope in some way that my testimony of healthy eating has impacted many peoples lives so that they WANT to live and not just live meal to unhealthy meal. Death is final! No, we're not going to take our bodies with us afterward but I feel what we ARE taking is our negative unhealthy thoughts. They don't just go, poof, because we die, they shape our very soul in the here and the hereafter.

If we remain positive, feed on health and nutrition, maybe, just maybe when we face the Lord, we can share the joy we had living with him, our Father who wants nothing but the BEST for us! Forgiveness isn't about doing wrong and treating your bodies bad all your life then when you get to heaven say, "Oh, by the way, forgive me for not cherishing the very sacredness of what you created in me." You knew all along your body is a sacred temple but spitting in the Lord's face is easier than self-control, I get it.

I'm alive. Even though I don't have much to do in a day, I pray, hours on end. It seems like everything has been taken away from me and all I have to do is pray. So if you don't see me for a spell, know that I'm out here, alive. If anything drastic happens to me, I've asked my husband or son to inform you so you will never be left not knowing what happened to Joni. To stay positive, I need to stay away from the negative, please understand that. I need to reclaim the joy that lies out in the dry fields buried. I will be back. You need patience as much as I. My love to you, my friends!

All praise and Glory to God! 

Ephesians 5:11-13, “Have nothing to do with the fruitless deeds of darkness, but rather expose them. It is shameful even to mention what the disobedient do in secret. But everything exposed by the light becomes visible — and everything that is illuminated becomes a light.” (NIV)

God's Not Done...

Rom. 8:25 "But if we hope for that we see not, then do we with patience wait for it."

God’s Not Done

On Friday the 6th I began writing a blog post aimed at a Monday posting titled God’s Not Done… but if I had gotten it done, I would’ve posted it Saturday. Unfortunately it didn’t get done. Sunday I watched a sermon online, it was an Easter sermon. What jumped out at me were these words, “We can’t reach up to God He reaches down to us and assures us He is not done with us.”

Where had I heard those words, ‘He’s not done’? Oh that’s right, from my blog post I was writing on Friday! Coincidence? I think not! It was a direct message, a message on transformation! So here is what I had written on Friday.

God is not done…

God is not done with me yet! He’s busy transforming this broken, damaged, diseased woman into something beautiful; a cherished work of art that shines His Light in the dark places!

The statistics are in and the researchers have concluded that 90% of cancers are a result of diet, lifestyle, and environmental factors. And the single biggest factor is what you eat. Imagine that! We are what we eat! My lifestyle was eating junk and crud and look at me now in the battle of my life trying to reverse the damage.

It’s pretty sad that I’ve only begun embracing this new lifestyle after the diagnosis of an illness. I’m continuing to dig deep within my wounds, as deep as my arm will reach, to heal the core of the damage and make peace with my past. God and I are alone on this journey as there are parts so weathered and stained for the naked eye that I keep them there, never to write about. I guess you could say they are the demons in my closet.

Philippians 1:29 (NIV) “For it has been granted to you on behalf of Christ not only to believe on him, but also to suffer for him.”

I’m not changing just a portion of my life, I’m changing everything one hundred percent! [finishing post] I’m surrendering my all to God because I know He is looking down on me, reaching out to me, shaping me and transforming me for a better life.

Life sometimes takes hold of us to where we’re blinded by all of the chaos in the world. From the crazy weather, to the sudden deaths, to the upheaval of life as we know it. If you tell me your weather is just fine and dandy where you live, give it time, you’ll see the craziness He has planned coming to your state. God is not done with us yet.

Moving along, at first, I was bitter and angry and slowly I was losing patience. I was paranoid and frustrated and sought to be healed or let go. He didn’t let me go, He held on tighter and tighter and popped open my eyes so I could see a little more clearly.

The chaos in the world can lead to isolation. You’re running along just fine until someone tosses a roadblock up and you sit idle for far too long. Maybe you’re in a raging storm held back by gridlock. Maybe an angry blizzard came up and movement forward is at a standstill. Maybe you’re getting tired of the unethical society being the controlling factor in day-to-day living. Maybe you think you have life under control but rest assured, He’s not done with you yet.

Job 14:19 “The waters wear the stones: thou washest away the things which grow out of the dust of the earth; and thou destroyest the hope of man.”

Recently I’ve noticed a slow migration from Facebook. People are dropping off of the radar for days if not weeks at a time. Last week someone asked, why are people leaving Facebook? I mentioned that maybe they’re tired of Big Brother watching their every move. I received a very aggressive snappy reply that said, “If you’re tired of Big Brother watching you, turn off your computer!” It is that type of nastiness that is causing people to migrate away from Facebook. It’s no longer a place of fun and sharing information in a congenial manner. It’s a paranoid aggression at its finest.

I myself could care less if Big Brother is watching my every move; I’m not doing anything wrong so I don’t have anything to hide. I could care less if they control the Internet, I’ll just find a hobby that doesn’t enlist the aid of online research, like painting and coloring. No skin off of my nose but apparently something is causing this mass migration.

Something is causing this shift in weather. Something is provoking this deviation in attitudes of negative energy that people are sending out. Something is compelling people to wake up and realize God is not done with us yet and are removing themselves out of fear and uncertainty. At first, in my paranoia, I thought it was just me, feeling like I had gone and done something wrong in steering people to a healthier lifestyle. I’ve come to the realization that people are who they are, and kill what they must, they’ll continue where they will and dust what they dust.

Job 6:20 “They were confounded because they had hoped; they came thither, and were ashamed.”

As my, hopefully short, hiatus begins, I leave you, my fellow Christians with hope! There IS hope in tomorrow. There is hope in saving yourself. There is promise in transforming the old you into a new being of Christ’s. You might not see it as you gaze at the corrupt land you live; the unscrupulous badgering society is taking but there IS hope! God’s not done with you yet! Remember that with every breath. 

Death without the hope of the resurrection and eternal life brings despair!

He is RISEN! 

All Praise and Glory to God!

Acts 24:15 “And have hope toward God, which they themselves also allow, that there shall be a resurrection of the dead, both of the just and unjust.”

God's Not Dead, He is surely alive, living on the inside roaring like a lion! 

The Struggle Is Real

2 Cor. 5:17 KJV “Therefore if any man be in Christ, he is a new creature: old things are passed away; behold, all things are become new.”

The Struggle is Real

I know a lot of people who think that because you’ve accepted Christ that life will be full of luxurious bubble bath days and happiness. Some know and understand the truth, some are learning, some want what they want and want it NOW! 

Just like the above scripture, there is a simplified version from the AMP explained for us, you know someone else did all of the work and all you have to do is read it to understand the bible better.

2 Corinthians 5:17 (AMP) “Therefore if anyone is in Christ [that is, grafted in, joined to Him by faith in Him as Savior], he is a new creature [reborn and renewed by the Holy Spirit]; the old things [the previous moral and spiritual condition] have passed away. Behold, new things have come [because spiritual awakening brings a new life].” 

I’m not normally offended when I read scripture but that verse in my morning email struck a nerve with me. I’ll assume that AMP is an amplified bible, (total assumption) and maybe people like having someone else decipher and dissect every scriptural word of the bible for them so they don’t have to do the work for themselves. I totally understand what 2 Tim. 2:15 is saying and don’t need fifty versions of the bible to tell me. Don’t we all wish life was so simple for us, let’s have others dissect our life for us, tell us right from wrong so we don’t make any mistakes? I have cancer, here ya go, take it away from me. Make my job in doing all of the hard work in healing simple for me, please! I can read and learn the protocols in healing but no one is going to do the work for me, but ME!

We think that being a Christian that there will be no struggles, no hard days, that all our days will be filled with knowing, understanding and doing the right thing. I’m here to tell you, nothing in life is simple, not reading the Bible, not being a Christian and certainly not going a Natural path to healing when conventional treatment is out there to make an illness easier for us.

I’m also here to tell you that the struggle is real! Life is hard, being a Christian is hard work, reading the bible is a (fun for me) chore! Nothing in life ever comes easy. If you’ve had an easy life, raising kids or pets, if being an adult has been a walk in the park for you, well then praise be to God, you’re one in a zillion! Yes, I said zillion because no one has an easy road to walk in life! 

Being a Christian doesn’t make the road easy, and it’s not always paved; sometimes there’s gravel on the road and we walk along in our bare feet. Our journey as a Christian is as tough as the non-christian we just have a friend walking along with us at all times. Now some people allow Jesus to walk way up ahead so He can prepare us for what we’re about to go through. Sometimes people allow Jesus to sit on the side of the road to watch us stumble and fall. Others don’t believe there is a Jesus and only allows a god to be sunshine on their bubbly well-lit path. 

See what I’m saying? The struggle is real for each and every one of us, in reading, believing and walking. I myself, and I like to think many others, has the Spirit of the Lord WITHIN us. This way we don’t have to look outside to see where He’s at, at any given moment. If we feel weak, we know He’s our strength to hold us up. If we feel disillusioned, He restores our sight so we see. If we have trouble understanding the Word, He fills us with the knowledge to understand every intricate word.

2 Tim. 2:15 King James Bible “Study to shew thyself approved unto God, a workman that needeth not to be ashamed, rightly dividing the word of truth.”

There are literally thousands of interpretations, languages, renditions of the bible but in all honesty, there is only ONE Word! With the Word, we have internal and external struggles but all struggles none-the-less. Our internal struggles wrestle with the new life we’ve been given in Christ. We wonder when He’s just going to simplify everything for us, after all, we’ve allowed him on our path, right? Wrong! He’s not there to SIMPLIFY your life! He’s there to fill your life with meaning, purpose and most of all, strength. The task is that you yourself have to do the work but you're never alone!

Ezek. 37:1 “The hand of the LORD was upon me, and carried me out in the spirit of the LORD, and set me down in the midst of the valley which was full of bones,”

Our external struggles come when we wrestle with the flesh, the mind on other things not of God. Free-will demands we choose from good and evil, there is no in between. We struggle with understanding the Word and is probably the reason we seek out a simplified version of the bible so we’re sure that we are understanding correctly. 

Ezek. 36:27 “And I will put my spirit within you, and cause you to walk in my statutes, and ye shall keep my judgments, and do them.”

Can everyone and anyone understand the bible completely with so many renditions out there? With thousands of years passing the story around, do you believe it is possible that some words got lost along the way? I believe God to be the One and Only word and He places on your heart the understanding so no simplification is necessary. What is the purpose of discernment if we have the Word simplified in many variations? Shouldn’t we FEEL the Word in us and no reason for simplicity?

I could be totally wrong, (as often I am) but I believe over dissection of His Word loses the luster of the meaning SPIRIT-FILLED, for ME. The struggle becomes a battle of differences in opinions and again, lost is the Spirit that was intended in having the Word documented by so many people.

Some people want me to blame God for this disease I carry while others want to blame evil, darkness, and negativity while I myself blame no one except my life choices! The lusts of my free will ran rampant and I lost the battle. No, wait, I haven’t lost the battle, the struggle is still on, day after agonizing day, night after aching night, the struggle is REAL! 

Pss.119:50 KJV “This is my comfort in my affliction: for thy word hath quickened me.”

I don’t want the Word simplified and I don’t want this journey made easy for me, it is what it is, upon me and the path I chose. Good or bad, right or wrong, simple or hard, this journey each of us is on is never easy and can never be simplified. The path can only be embraced for what it is, a completion of our journey home. Remember, He never walks in front, beside, or behind, He always remains within!  You are spirit-filled from the moment of rebirth in His name! 

All praise and Glory to God

Pss. 119:92-93 KJV “Unless thy law had been my delights, I should then have perished in mine affliction. I will never forget thy precepts: for with them thou hast quickened me.”

Simplified - “I will never forget your precepts, for by them you have preserved my life” (Psalm 119:93)

Gateway to Health: Conclusion

Rev. 8:13 "And I beheld, and heard an angel flying through the midst of heaven, saying with a loud voice, Woe, woe, woe, to the inhabiters of the earth by reason of the other voices of the trumpet of the three angels, which are yet to sound!"

Gateway to Health: Conclusion

Value Yourself!

I am concluding my Gateway to Health Series. I’ve shown you all I can about changing your diet, and the essential exercise necessary (simply walking 20-30 minutes a day or more) to keep blood flowing through your lymph nodes. I’ve told you of my successes and my failures, my ups and downs, and everything in between; now its time to let you fly. 

I realized that I might not have shown you one thing and that is to value yourself. I think people are so caught up in the fast pace of society, trying the fish joint, or the new burger palace or eating at that restaurant because of tradition and not many will give pause to waiting, valuing themselves enough to change their order for a healthier solution. People don’t think themselves worthy enough to save or are worth eating healthy to save themselves from numerous doctors visits to stay alive.

Statistically, only twenty percent of the people are willing to change their diet to save themselves from imminent death. Life is too short they say, you only live once they murmur, ‘hey, we all gotta die from something’. I get it, I know what you’re saying. Me, I’ve had the wake-up call of a lifetime. I’ve been given the opportunity to live instead of dying a slow, long drawn out, painful, drug-induced death. I’m one of the twenty percentiles that value living more than dying.

I have a Spider plant that I’ve had for about twelve years. It was always drooping no matter what I did. I watered, fed, and fertilized it but it continuously drooped. With the Christmas season came a rearranging of plants. I sat my Spider Plant in a window where it gets to see the sunrise every morning. Within two months, this looks like a whole new plant, reaching for the sky, turning towards the sun, and reproducing by having babies! 

I did something right and never moved the plant back to its previous spot. I let my plant flourish and grow. It listened to me when I said you need to have a change or you’re going to die. I know a lot of folks don’t believe plants know anything but let me tell you, weird Joni has witnessed this living breathing plant extend its life with CHANGE! That is my very reason for writing to you, so maybe you’ll change to live.

I could’ve left the plant where it was and just let it limp through life with wilted leaves but I knew a drastic change was in order for me to see this plant live up to its potential. That is all I want for my human friends who can actually change on their own, live up to your full potential, is that too much to ask? Apparently, it is. I can offer sunshine but most of the time I think your shades are drawn. I can offer you something new but too often you cling to the old. Old habits are hard to break, or so they say.

1 Thess. 5:24 “Faithful is he that calleth you, who also will do it.”

1 Thess. 5 is almost the same thing (as in so many scripture verses) that cries out to you, a guide for you, and an aid in hard times and struggles but do you adhere? If you are not going to listen to the Holy Bible who am I to think you’d change your diet because of a few words I pen? I cry out to you to change, not to shame you or judge you, I do it because I want you to live and not be imprisoned by the drugs that will usher you to your death.

To get through the Gateway to Health there is no other entry than to walk through it, taking the first step towards change. Even the smallest of steps will have you feeling the value of life. If you’re not willing to change then go to your doctor, ask him what drug will make the slow process of death easier on you because it seems that is all anyone wants is an easy route to get from point A to point B. 

A year into my changed protocol, I struggle daily with pains, ups, and downs and don’t feel much unlike Elijah in many ways. I understand the trial I must endure and it is not the easy route in life; I cry out.

1 Kgs. 19:4 “But he himself went a day's journey into the wilderness, and came and sat down under a juniper tree: and he requested for himself that he might die; and said, It is enough; now, O LORD, take away my life; for I am not better than my fathers.”

When I cry out to Him, God assures me of another path, one where I live and I’m shown the value of my life, my journey and the end reward. Am I wrong in wanting the same for my fellow man?

1 Kgs. 19:5-8 And as he lay and slept under a juniper tree, behold, then an angel touched him, and said unto him, Arise and eat. And he looked, and, behold, there was a cake baken on the coals, and a cruse of water at his head. And he did eat and drink, and laid him down again. And the angel of the LORD came again the second time, and touched him, and said, Arise and eat; because the journey is too great for thee. And he arose, and did eat and drink, and went in the strength of that meat forty days and forty nights unto Horeb the mount of God.

My journey is far from over. I will move forward with the strength of an army of angels plowing forward bringing peace and goodwill to man. I cannot devalue my life, my soul is too precious whether good or bad instances flare up, I roll right along facing what I must. My wish for you is that when you look in the mirror you see the value in yourself before giving in completely to the darkness that leads you in the wrong direction; strolling down the darkened path where the gateway of health is closed to you.

When God extends his hand, do you turn away? When He gives you a second chance, do you toss it in the garbage pail outside the fast food restaurant? When God speaks, do you listen or are your earplugs in and you only hear what you want to hear, when you want to hear it? I’ve had every opportunity that you’ve had, to listen to everyone else, go the easy route, to be thrown on the table to be sliced, diced and medicated or go the tough route of listening to the whispers of something greater out there in the void of the cosmos. I chose the harder route but, to me, the better route.

I’m now making a choice to conclude my Gateway to Health series and allowing you to decide for yourself whether you’re worth living or dying. Do you value your life or are you content with your health, weight, prognosis, or diagnosis? If you said no, then do something about it, change is within your grasp. Take a chance, that’s all. Either fall or walk, stumble or crawl, whatever you decide you’re WORTH it to stay alive!

May the Grace of the Lord be upon you all! 

Angel always…Godspeed my friends…

Wasted Words

Pss. 91:2 “I will say of the LORD, He is my refuge and my fortress: my God; in him will I trust.”

Wasted Words

Can words ever be wasted? You know, you toss words out into the void and hope they land on virgin ears where they are cherished and utilized to build a house of stone. More times than not they fall to the eyes of the blind where they’re crumpled up and tossed away on the sands of the shore; washed out to sea. Wasted words is what I call them, where you speak and no one listens.

I like to consider myself a very sensitive person. When I read words I take them to my heart and run them earnestly through my system to see where they can be used for the greatest benefit to my being. If I have to switch the words around, I will as long as the strength in the meaning stays the same.

This cancer that has invaded my body is the wakeup call I needed to show me just where in space and time I have wasted portions of my life. If someone says, ‘this is what worked for me’, I try the protocol out to see if it works for me also, if not, I toss it away like everyone else does. Words, on the other hand, they’re of value to me, I wash them down my throat like water quenching my thirst on a hot muggy day.

I remember a time about thirty years ago or so when recycling was a big thing for me. I was informed by recycling paper, plastic, glass, and metals like tin and aluminum could possibly save the world in which we live and help in the destruction of the atmosphere that man has brought upon the earth in rapid succession. Climate change, global warming or whatever they are calling it these days, didn’t happen in a normal progression of time, we sped up the destruction by not caring and our over industrialization.

So when I heard recycling could ‘help’ seal the growing hole in the ozone, I went to it and became a recycle crazy woman. Fast forward thirty years, the hole is growing bigger, many people think recycling is a waste of time, a joke, and a laughing matter. Just this year, after thirty years of trying to save the world, my trash now gets tossed out like everyone else’s, in the dump of the earth. No one else gives a flying fig about the planet, why should I be alone? On some level I feel guilty when witnessing the destruction when I see polar bears vying for life in the arctic waters once home to icebergs but are no more. Shame that my fellow man allows death over the building and saving of a precious ecosystem.

I imagine millennia in time when God spoke to His people and some listened carefully and documented His word to be carried so far in the future that to this day we still read the foundational Words and covenants of a bygone era. As years passed by, all too many people didn’t want those words to shape their houses and shores. Like waste, they were tossed out to sea, now inhabited on barges that circle the globe because no one has room for the bulk of the waste or knows what to do with the magnitude of truth facing them.

Have they wasted words? On a physical level, waste is what it is, excrement that is no longer needed for the production of results. Words, on the other hand, continue on to this day like clay, to be shaped and molded into a beautiful cistern that holds words, thoughts, and the essence of your very being. Language and communication are essential to anyone whether they can see or hear. The human body has the biggest organ on display and that is skin, with it the ability to touch and like a thumbprint, no one is alive today without the innate ability to feel.

Wasted, what is the meaning? I remember a time when I drank booze, I always heard the term wasted, ‘she or he got wasted’. The dictionary defines waste as ‘done to no avail or useless’, That is exactly what humankind has done with everything that we were freely given; wasted pretty much of the essential nutrients that keep us shaped and formed. Look at the world, look at our bodies, all waste that has gone unshaped.

When I wake in the morning and watch the sunrise, whether hidden behind clouds or not I know the Sonrise is always there for me and I ask of Him, Lord, what will you have me write of today? This morning with a heavy heart, He replied, WASTE. 

Whether wasted words, wasted refuse, wasted time, wasted life, I understood through discernment what He was telling me to write about. We have wasted His Word, in essence, we have wasted our world. There is no recycling that is going to save us only what words you listen and adhere to on a minute level. 

As I go on with my day I will hold these words I wrote in my heart and I will pray throughout the day that my words land on someone that can use them and not waste what they are hearing, seeing, touching, feeling. Embrace the momentum of the day with change. Be prepared to change your heart, your mind, your body and your soul. We have limited time that was not given for us to waste.

All of my Praise and Glory goes to Him! 

Pss. 18:2 “The LORD is my rock, and my fortress, and my deliverer; my God, my strength, in whom I will trust; my buckler, and the horn of my salvation, and my high tower.”

A New Year

Psalms 116:8 “For thou hast delivered my soul from death, mine eyes from tears, and my feet from falling.”

A New Year

Winning! Victory! Health! Out with the old in with the NEW! 

This New Year is going to be all about health and what the mind can do to help you organize a mindset of winning, for your health. Healthy living is hard. Expensive? If you’re sitting there with cable television, internet, a new iPhone and other gadgets, is your internet use more important than your health? You say you can’t afford healthy food but again, there you sit with gadgets out the gazoo that you pay monthly for upkeep but why isn’t your health worth the same upkeep?

Then I see people trying to navigate their health with supplements. When this disease hit me I turned into a research guru on health and am certainly more knowledgeable than I was a year ago. 

Your health cannot be obtained by supplements and this year my journey is all about healing and health. This year isn’t about a disease or illness. It isn’t about how bad I’m doing, this year is about how GOOD I am doing! Not many people want to know about healthy living but if you do, join me on my journey.

You might be asking yourself where does my strength come from. I hope you know me well enough to know but if you don’t and want in on my little secret, again, join me on this wondrous journey of health and healing!

Many people are amazed at my willpower and I myself am kinda shocked at the will I have to want to remain alive and healthy. I assumed everyone was like me but as I’ve seen my husband struggle with giving up this or that I realized that not everyone has my iron strength. Don’t think this as me stroking my ego because I’ve said numerous times I don’t know where it comes from but I have a clue.

As the New Year unfolds and people are making fake resolutions that they know full well they’ll break in a month, try giving up something on a smaller scale. Not as a resolution to break but as a victory to gain your health! Make it a goal to finish by years end instead of in one night of wanting and wishing. This year I challenge you, strive to give up three things: sugar, dairy, flour/grains. I myself have given up these three things and more, like meat, unhealthy carbs, and toxic living.

My strength comes from what I think is a culmination of multiple things put together. Think of a brick, alone, it is just a brick but where two or three are gathered it becomes a protective wall one that the Wolf in The Three Pigs doesn’t easily huff and puff and blow down. So when asked where mine comes from I have to say, there is strength in the number of bricks I use.

Number one is faith. Walking a fine line between doubt and faith will not work. God was right, man cannot serve two masters. You either walk strong in your faith or you walk a line of doubt. Minimal faith doesn’t cut it when your life is on the line. Take the word ‘but’ out of your vocabulary. I ‘think’ I can do it with God, ‘but’. There it is, the fine line of doubt! Get it right to find success.

The second bit of strength I find is in support. If you don’t have support, anything you try, you will fail. When I was first diagnosed and told my friends I was going the holistic route and trusting in God and my faith, some were in shock and fled, others were extremely opinionated while others moved in closer to give me their full support. Unload the non-supporting crowd, they are not worth having in the first place.

The third portion of my strength is DETERMINATION! When you want to quit drinking, smoking, to lose weight and become healthy you MUST be determined to succeed! Have you ever taken diet pills to lose weight and they didn’t work? It’s because you thought the pill would do all the work for you. That’s not how it works. Your determination is the WORK you yourself put into your eventual victory.

Number four is CHANGE! To become healthy, lose weight, quit drinking or smoking you must change! Change your diet, change your habits, change your routines. To SAVE your LIFE, CHANGE your life! In the beginning, my husband was an obstruction but to me I saw it as a challenge. When he reached for a smoke, I took a walk. When he reached for a Pepsi I refilled my glass of water. When he ate candy I ate fruit! Over time, the weight melted off like butter in the sun and I felt healthy and the best I've ever felt in my entire life. I started feeling better, eating better and living better. Guess what happened? I was having an influence on my hubby and others. In just two months he has given up sugar and is actively changing!

His health is changing, his weight is changing and this wasn’t because he made a resolution in the New Year it’s because he was determined to stay alive! Isn’t that what we are all striving for? In the coming year, the majority of my posts will be about health, eating right, exercise, strength and determination! I might even toss in a few recipes. Live or die!  I wish someone had said that to me more bluntly in my early years, maybe I wouldn’t have shrugged off healthy living for the lusts of the flesh. A Happy, Healthy New Year to you! 

Gal. 5:16-17 “This I say then, Walk in the Spirit, and ye shall not fulfill the lust of the flesh. For the flesh lusteth against the Spirit, and the Spirit against the flesh: and these are contrary the one to the other: so that ye cannot do the things that ye would.”

Food, Food, Food

Pss. 104:14 “He causeth the grass to grow for the cattle, and herb for the service of man: that he may bring forth food out of the earth;”

Food, Food, Food

I think I need to clarify something for my readers, FOOD! Food is not a problem for me anymore, I’m enjoying this forced protocol more than I ever have in these past nine months, my problem is, and I’m WORKING ON IT, is being around festive happy carnivores eating the meal offered as if they hadn’t eaten in weeks, shoveling food into their mouths, getting a second huge helping, then adding a sweet scrumptious dessert to their faces. Then listening to them complain about their weight and how they need to shed some pounds.

Scents conjure images and memories for me. Have you ever walked into a church with polished wood and marble floors and an image or memory floods the mind? Ever walk into a library and the aroma of thousands of books smack you in the face bringing back memories of the good old days when libraries were the actual source of information? Ever walk into a bakery and your mouth begins to water, then scanning the shelves your stomach begins churning, craving the delectable sweet? THIS is the problem I have, memories! I don’t get to decide when they’re turned on and turning them off isn’t a trait I’ve acquired yet.

No, I do not miss the food I used to eat. I’m really doing well on passing up gobs of macaroni and cheese, bread and mayonnaise and the occasional meat that went through the doors to my stomach. I wish I had changed my diet sooner but I didn’t really care because never having a weight problem, the food tasted good.

I was never a big meat eater; I usually ate meat when in a family gathering, meat and potatoes were all that was offered and I never went for dessert. While desserts smelled good and looked tasty, I was never a big partaker of sweets either. So no, I don’t miss meats and sweets.

I think, not sure, what I miss is camaraderie. Food brings people together. Think about it, you go food shopping once a week, you’re all gathered in the store doing the same thing buying food for your family. In that one moment, you are mingling with people with like agendas, satisfying your family. What has happened in my family is separateness. Adam shops and buys his food, hubby buys his meats, eggs, and potatoes and me I hit the veggie section.

Then there are the separate dinners; Adam makes his food, hubby makes his or I put it on for him and my meal is totally different. And we no longer sit at the table together. Adam likes watching his phone, hubby and I watch reruns of old TV shows on his computer and it feels like in this year, we’re all going in different directions where once we had unity, togetherness. Adam has also chosen to work on Thanksgiving. I’m okay with that because I don’t have any plans anyway.

Memories - my memories of childhood were of us, never eating together as a family, we all did our own thing. Don’t get me wrong, my mother made some delicious meals and when I was old enough, I’d start the meals in a slow cooker and basically it was a first come, first serve basis, grab a TV table and go plop in front of the television. Unless it was Thanksgiving, that was the day we all ate together as a family, even my father joined us at the table.

Maybe during this season, I’m melancholy, not depressed, and yes I do know the difference. I only get depressed because of the deaths that have invaded my holidays. That could just be melancholy too. The holidays elicit feelings, aromas give rise to memories, sights and sounds awaken the melancholy beings that we are. Gatherings make me think of family and togetherness.

Yes, I could cheat and eat my heart out for just one day, but wouldn’t that defeat all that I’ve accomplished in nine months? My stomach is different now; it reacts to foods going down the tube differently. Meat turns my stomach, sugars churn the cells inside and they react to what I place in my mouth. Cheating is only cheating myself, no one else. I don’t eat to please others, I eat to survive, just like everyone else, except my choices of food, are quite different in my survival mindset.

I’ll go on with the holiday as my happy-go-lucky self. When people ask how I’m doing I’ll tell them fine, if they ask questions I’ll smile and tell them I’m not really up to a Q & A session. I just want to visit and enjoy their company and being the Walton clan I see them as, they’ll understand, go on with the day and enjoy their non-heart healthy meal. It is THEIR life, not mine. I live to seek eternity while others live to basically die. I’m finding that there is more to life than eating, living and dying.

1 Tim. 6:8 “And having food and raiment let us be therewith content.”

“God Bless Everyone”

Illness Knows No Bounds

Pss. 67:2 "That thy way may be known upon earth, thy saving health among all nations."

Even the Healthy Get Sick

I just read an article about a young woman age thirty-two who was a vegan, health nut, she exercised daily, non-smoker in her prime, and she has stage four lung cancer.

I pretty much know how I contracted this disease, and knowing is part of the healing. But this young lady has no idea. She was doing everything right and yet, she was still hit by this disease.

To me, this is proof of the toxic world we live in. She ate the right foods, more than likely non-organic because organic is more or less a new thing. She didn’t smoke but was an avid jogger. I imagine the toxins she inhaled jogging daily was worse than smoking five packs of cigarettes a day. She washed her hair, probably dyed it too, she used deodorant and soap put out with chemicals in them. Then she probably drank water either toxic faucet water or water in a plastic bottle. All toxic.

When we think we’re doing the best we can for our health, we’re smacked with the truth that no, we are not doing everything that needs to be done to stay alive. We are not vigilant enough when it comes to our health. We’re vigilant when it comes to posting on Facebook, we’re active when something happens in our nation, we throw our support behind the wrongs and right of society but our health? That takes a back burner while we’re looking the other way, the wolf is sneaking into the den.

We have defiled God’s plan for man and beast!

Psalms 104:14 “He causeth the grass to grow for the cattle, and herb for the service of man: that he may bring forth food out of the earth;”

Did you read that scripture? At one time, it was the norm for cattle to be raised on grass, herbs were the source of medicine, and oils were the tincture they turned to. Now if someone says they eat grass-fed beef, they’re looked at as if they’re not normal. 

I love it when people say, “I’d die before I gave up ______.” Fill in the blank, is it beef, coffee, sugar? What would you die for before you gave it up? Think about that seriously. Because when death taps you on your shoulder like you’re given a life-altering illness, would you still rather die before giving something up? I wouldn’t rather die. I know some of my posts sound otherwise, but honestly, I do want to live and get this, I’ll DIE TRYING to live! How funny is that? (not haha, ironic)

I’m sure some of you understand the gamut of emotions I must go through in a day, a week or a month but the emotions don’t cling to me and shape my healing. I write about them good or bad, express the inner turmoil, have people nodding their head in agreement because they too are doing everything to stay alive. 

Often when I’m feeling my lowest asking the why’s I’m doing what I’m doing, I’m told from the higher ups that these struggles are to attain the home that they have waiting for me. It’s like they saved me a spot and they want to make sure I get there, but I need to run the race first.

We’re all in this race together. It’s like running a marathon; some are slow, some are fast, some drop out mid way, some collapse from exhaustion but there are a FEW who make the million-mile stretch to the end!

1 Cor. 9:24 “Know ye not that they which run in a race run all, but one receiveth the prize? So run, that ye may obtain.”

The Lord doesn’t ask us to give him half of our self, He’d like it if we gave it our all and submitted all of our self. I can’t hammer this truth home hard enough, our bodies are a temple, we should move full steam ahead in treating it as such. Why do we treat infants with gentle loving care? Because they are precious! Why do we tend our gardens with such intimate grace? Because more times than not our gardens are taking care of US! So why would you treat your body any different? Why are your health and life not as precious as an infant or a garden? Let me tell you, IT IS!! Treat it as such and you too will win this race before us. 

1 Cor. 6:19 “What? know ye not that your body is the temple of the Holy Ghost which is in you, which ye have of God, and ye are not your own?”

They'll Never Know

Gen. 18:21 “I will go down now, and see whether they have done altogether according to the cry of it, which is come unto me; and if not, I will know.”

They’ll Never Know

They’ll never know the loneliness I felt, the emptiness that resided in me. They did nothing and could have done everything. They left me, isolated and alone, out in the pastures of life.

They’ll never know the hours I spent staring out the window, chasing birds with my mind wanting to fly away from the very sedentary life I live. I wanted to live but no one, nothing gave me options, they left me alone.

I am the plague that they fear catching. The disease that they’d rather keep away from their life; the very fear that festers inside of them that they’ll one day have to face alone. It’s no fun this solitude that haunts my mind. It saddens me to think I will die and they’ll never know of my life, my real life.

They’ll see the pictures I painted for them, the fragments as breadcrumbs dropped on the ground for them to follow. They’ll never find the real source of my pain because it is dwelling in them, they’ll never know. They’ll never know that the picture is false; the painter is never the painting it is just an expression of what they see. I am the artist creating an illusion of a world you’ll believe. I am the game endlessly played never to be won. I am your addiction, the one thing you need to be real.

Deep down I am the smear, the painting went wrong, the mistakes you’ll never see. I am the routine never to be broken. I am the vase sitting on the shelf with no flowers. I am the desert, dry and never to be rained upon. The hour never to be changed, the life day in and day out staring into a windowed world sharing a love for people I’ll never meet, a spiritual family that deeply cared from afar.

They’ll never know the turmoil I faced. They’ll think I was strong because I never allowed the shards of glass to cut them open. I only allowed the brokenness to shut me down to leave me vulnerable to what it is that surrounds me in my physical world. Alone, I am alone and pained by my surroundings. 

They’ll live thinking they did everything and knowing they did absolutely nothing. They’ll never know I was used, abused and diffused; a live wire with no connection to sustain the energy that thrives within me. I loved too hard, I shined too bright, and I was everything they were not nor ever could be.

There can be no healing as long as I’m demeaned, pushed down into the box and smothered. I spring forward like a jack-in-the-box daily with my polka-dot suit and painted smile I show everyone what they want to see. I make them smile waxing nostalgic over the times of their youth when they cranked the music and watched as the toy came bouncing into life. They never saw the real me, they’ll never know.

The blood, they claimed to love but they’ll never know that it was only I who loved and they shed me like dry skin to be swept away from the scene. I became the disease that they dreaded to see; they dared not look at. They went on in their fantasy playing charades and showing the world their imagined perfect life. They lived while I died, but they’ll never know.

To sum it all up, I was flourishing in the warmth of the sun, growing and turning towards the sunlight as the orb drifted overhead and I carried the rays like a candle into the night to show me the way. Then one day in all my splendor I was mowed over, severed and left in mere rubble, kicked about and wiped off the bottom of the shoe, I was done. To them I am nothing, to me I am all, to Him I am worthy. I am everything. In their obscured selfish bliss, they’ll never know.

Who are they? They are the ones who sat in their passive state and said they cared. They are the ones who did nothing as my body slowly withered and decayed. They are the ones who afterward wondered what they didn’t do carrying guilt like a different handbag of the week. They are the ones who went on, to live, to breathe. They know who they are but then again, they’ll never really know.

Ezek. 39:8 “Behold, it is come, and it is done, saith the Lord GOD; this is the day whereof I have spoken.”

Perseverance

Proverbs 16:9 (NIV) “In his heart a man plans his course, but the LORD determines his steps.”

Perseverance

Diet and stress are my new high points in life at this moment as I persevere. I’ve deleted umpteen emails that are naggingly telling me what feeds this disease, what wakes up this disease, what to eat and when to eat. I’m now on the information overload of my system. Then this plant based diet got through to me. I took a deep breath and looked it over, not hating what I was seeing.

I want to try this diet but seriously, I’m not out for a diet based on what’s a good diet. I’m looking for sustenance in my health in healing this disease! Everything looks good except the acidic aspects of some of the foods. I just want what's best for my health.

July 25th will be my sixth-month mark since this diagnosis walked into my life like a volcano and erupted shifting everything in its path forcing me to rethink some things in my life, including the food I put into my mouth. I’ve badgered unhealthy eaters; I’ve even tried to twist some arms into change but then I came to an abrupt halt of my own hand pressing on my chest telling me to hold on now, STOP!

I don’t know if this is a bad habit or just a part of who I am but I always find myself worrying about everyone else but myself. Even now with this disease, I’m more concerned with those around me, their feelings, their eating habits, their unhealthy living.

When I say I’m done, I never mean it to be I’m giving up, I mean I’m done with everyone else! I’m done worrying about tiptoeing on their love or non-love. I’m done falling apart when my feelings are hurt. I’m done being something for all and nothing for myself. I can’t make people love me and that’s okay, I love me. I have to realize that I am the most important player in MY game of life. Actually, I am the ONLY player. 

Solitaire, it’s the game I’ve played all my life. Alone. Even with my most recent upset, I keep it to myself because when I share, I’m told what I should do, what I need to do, or I get silence, nothing at all. Yeah, I know it makes it hard to make a comment, but can’t someone just say something simple like, ‘I’m here for you’ and actually be there for me? I hear I’m here for you then don’t hear another word from them for months?

I’ve been wanting to write and post but really I’ve been writing and keeping it to myself because I’m virtually tired. I’m tired of all of the information, I’m tired of defending myself, and I’m tired of having to watch what I say. My son seems to think I have a lot to live for but quite honestly, I don’t see it. I might feel differently in a month or two but right now, I’m exhausted.

I have hope that one day, maybe when I’m gone my family and loved ones will FINALLY read MY blog, MY pains, MY thoughts and realize what they REALLY lost. I’ll tell them I hurt, they didn’t care that I hurt and were partly to blame for my hurt. I can’t be any more honest than that with myself. That is how I’m healing, letting go of the ones hurting me; even if that means the ones closest in my orbit who actually had the chance to love me but chose something else over me. 

Maybe being exhausted is a good thing because I can take the time to put things into perspective, see things from a different vantage point. It’s like looking out and knowing mountains are out there but not seeing them. It’s like driving to the mountains and finally seeing the glorious peaks and knowing the climb is the end game, not just observing beautiful mountains.

When I wake and ask God, what would you have me do for you today and He says rest, I want to give Him a Joni slap and say WHAAAT? But then I remember who He is and bow down and respond, Your will be done. Can I ever rest? Why do I feel like resting is giving up when I know it is just a pause in the machine I’m oiling. I have a little more work to do then…I’m done.

I have a doctors appointment tomorrow and she isn’t even a real doctor or anything, she’s a PA, a Physicians Assistant. What on earth is she going to do for me except reiterate why I need drugs and go the slice and dice method? That is what they are all programmed to say. I’m reading too much into the visit before I’ve even given the poor woman a chance. If she asks me what I’m doing, I’ll be honest with her and tell her, I’m choosing the way I die.

Don’t read more into that than I offer. I’m just not choosing to go down in a fetal position, in a hospice hooked to wires and drugs. I’m choosing to enjoy the Lord’s bounty of fruits and vegetables, His gifts to us and yet too many overlook because their eye is on the sweet, meaty prize, literally.

What I am doing and all that is left for me to do is prepare for my entry into Heaven and the walk that I look forward to. I seek that mountain with the snow-capped tops. I look toward the ascent to finally being free from the earth and all of the ignorance and disrespect strewed around like confetti on New Year’s Eve. When Jesus descended into hell, I just can’t imagine there is a place lower than this planet. I’m reaching for the summit in the sky…I’ll persevere here then move on to a place where I am truly loved and surrounded by love where ALL is love. I yearn for that. Peace out!

To God Be the Glory…

Pss. 37:37 "Mark the perfect man, and behold the upright: for the end of that man is peace."

Pss. 30:12 "To the end that my glory may sing praise to thee, and not be silent. O LORD my God, I will give thanks unto thee for ever."

Transforming

Rom. 12:2 “And be not conformed to this world: but be ye transformed by the renewing of your mind, that ye may prove what is that good, and acceptable, and perfect, will of God.”

Transforming

There are numerous scientific studies that show the way we habitually think changes our physiological makeup in our brains. To me, it shows that the biblical verse telling us to be transformed means so much more than just follow Christ. I read so much more into scripture and it is never a clear-cut literal meaning to me when I read something from the Holy Bible.

God wants us to be transformed. He didn’t want us following the ways of the world because He knew even back when he was creating, that this world would be corrupted and we needed to be strong in our minds to stand up against the wiles of the world.

2 Cor. 11:13-15 “For such are false apostles, deceitful workers, transforming themselves into the apostles of Christ. And no marvel; for Satan himself is transformed into an angel of light. Therefore it is no great thing if his ministers also be transformed as the ministers of righteousness; whose end shall be according to their works.”

When I write about healing this dastardly disease, I in no way think I’m doing this all on my own. I know there are many out there that think I’m crazy, “change your diet and heal” how silly is that. If that were the case doctors would be prescribing healthy food change instead of the poisons they so often dish out, right? Wrong. Doctors are trained to dish out pharmaceuticals. They’re not in the health business nor will they promote it. They to me are no different than drug dealers, they just have legal means to get through the red tape.

While I’ve always been a follower of Christ, being transformed is a whole different matter. When you think of someone who has gone through a transformation what is the first thing that comes to your mind? That they’ve changed in their entirety right? Not just something as physical as a nose job or facelift. Facial physical features usually conjure the words, they’ve had work done. Think about that, there is a difference in a physical transformation and a spiritual metaphysical one.

Rom. 2:19 "And art confident that thou thyself are a guide to the blind, a light of them which are in darkness."

I myself am not conformed to this world but there is always room for growth within the realm of transformation. While I may have physically appeared to be transformed on the outside, this illness has caused me to transform on the inside as well. If I were to look at an x-ray of my insides I more than likely would be looking at the transformation this disease has wrought on all the cogs of this machine I call my body.

Now if a doctor looked at my x-rays, as they have, seeing everything askew, the first thing they offer is drugs, not health and diet changes. They want to physically chop me up and radiate me and I just don’t feel like conforming to their method when God Himself tells me to ‘be transformed’. Again, a transformation is nothing physical to ME!

If I thought in my mind for a minute that the slice and dice method was for me, I’d go that route with no hesitancy. Instead, my mind is conformed to the way of God and I’m being transformed physically, mentally and spiritually! 

It’s ironic, have you ever wondered why you need a doctor in the first place? You botched up your health (temple) and you need the doctor to pacify you. You NEED the drugs. To transform your health is quite difficult so the road most frequented seems like the right road to take. It is quite obvious to me that I screwed up taking care of my health, so when the doctor offered a pacifying method, I chose to go to God and see what He says. I need to clean and take care of my temple (body) and treat it as the sacred place of God if I’m ever to survive this disease.

1 Cor. 3:16- 17 “Don’t you know that you yourselves are God’s temple and that God’s Spirit dwells in your midst? If anyone destroys God’s temple, God will destroy that person; for God’s temple is sacred, and you together are that temple.”

Here I am today, in a transformation stage. I feel like a butterfly inside the cocoon wriggling and squirming, waiting to be set free. Then it happens, I wake one day and look in the mirror and don’t see the same ol’ unhealthy person that used to be there, I’ve been granted wings to FLY.

Isaiah 40:31 "But they that wait upon the Lord shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings as eagles; they shall run, and not be weary; and they shall walk, and not faint."

He’s arrived. I waited; He showed up and gave me wings to fly, to be transformed, to heal, inside and out. He gave me the ability to run and not be weary, to walk and not faint. He’s allowed me to soar and not be conformed to this world. I am transforming!

All praise and Glory to God!

Hope In The Hopeless

2 Cor. 1:3-4 (ESV) “Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of mercies and God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our affliction, so that we may be able to comfort those who are in any affliction, with the comfort with which we ourselves are comforted by God.”

Hope in the Hopeless

Shocked, saddened or heartbroken, that is the reaction you get when you tell people your diagnosis. The Big C has always carried with it the equality of a death sentence. They don’t see the hope of Christ living in us and working through us, they see disaster, dread, empathy, basically, they see death in us.

I’ve learned in my life that Jesus overcame death and it is not something to be feared. If we feared death with every downfall we have in our life, every affliction, every illness, and disease, we would see it as a disaster about to happen. Opportunity knocks in the strangest of situations. Some people are used to show you the Glory of God in an affliction as we show you the Light of Christ shining through us.

There IS hope in the hopeless; you just need to be willing to see past your own hardened observations. Empathizing is a lot different than sympathizing.  Empathizing is almost like feeling sorry for a person going through a difficult stage in their life where sympathizing is feeling equal in understanding what the person is going through. 

Definition of:
Empathy – the psychological identification with or vicarious experiencing of the feelings, thoughts, or attitudes of another.

Sympathy -- harmony of or agreement in feeling, as between persons or on the part of one person with respect to another.

When my Dad, Aunt, and Uncle were all battling this same disease, I felt sorry for them because I couldn’t do anything so I felt helpless and I didn’t understand what they were going through because I had never been through the same thing. As individual and unique as this disease is, we all handle the diagnosis and treatment differently. 

Many are conditioned to see a death sentence. Many see no hope in the hopeless, many also would rather turn their heads to ignore the situation than bringing HOPE to the hopelessness people feel.

I’ll admit, after hearing the initial diagnosis, it crumbled me like a cookie. I saw my life slowly flash before my eyes and I saw an imminent death sentence awaiting me. The oncologists fed me their lies and I believed them, even after I had accepted this illness, they continued to shovel in the fear and hopelessness. I would enter the office full of hope, I would leave wondering where the broom was to sweep up the mess I’d leave behind. 

I would regain the hope I walked in with not long after leaving the office and I promised myself I wouldn’t put myself through that series of negative mud-slinging ever again. I would build on my strength with the Lord and I would walk a path few are brave enough to face. Even if it is not considered bravery, there needs to be an inner strength and willingness to walk the path that might look dim to others but to you is a path of Light.

I see hope in the hopeless. Just like the rain filled days, I always saw the sun shining through. The stationary bike is a perfect example. I could see the days on end of rain as taking my newly formed walking routine away from me but instead, I saw the bike in the basement as a ray of light! And this week, I learned from hubby’s mom, who gave us the bike, that it had a story behind it.

Just a reminder, things always walk through my door free of charge or of minimal price when I need them the most, the bike rode in when my husband was suffering from blindness. The bike sat in his mother’s basement doing nothing and she didn’t want to get rid of it, but when her son needed something to keep his idle body busy, she offered the bike to us.

Many years ago, his mother had found out that someone had entered her name in a raffle. She is not one to sign up for raffles for her own reasons but this person signed her up and guess what she won? The bike! It’s a nice stationary bike, a Schwinn to be exact, with an arm exerciser as you peddle too! She took it not knowing what to do with it so it sat in her basement, years on end until her son went blind and she offered it to him. Little did she know that it would be a blessing to me also. We moved to Nebraska eight years ago BECAUSE of his blindness and had we remained in Texas, no bike, no story. His sight was restored in another miraculous moment that I wrote about, years ago.

God works in mysterious ways of bringing HOPE to the hopeless! I frequently see meme after meme telling me not to donate to the Goodwill because they are making millions off of us people. I have to disagree, I have never gone into a Goodwill where a Cadillac was parked outside and the manager was wearing an expensive Armani suit. No, I see people of my class or lower, working the register, working the backroom unloading donations, I see people WORKING and not for millions of dollars either. That is the only place where I can go and AFFORD nice jeans and clothes and I’m not ashamed to admit it either! I donate clothes to them and I buy clothes from them. 

Hope in the hopeless, from a 2011 post of mine: “Ok, Shady Brooks is a place in my mind where water ripples downstream, I create the illusion of the rainbow permanently above my head inspiring me to move forward in life, sitting on the edge of the water with my notebook in hand. No laughter, just the rushing water, wind-chimes off in the distance and me sitting there, alone, waiting for sanity to brush my face and as they slowly appear, I realize, they are all new people, that have entered my life and are lifting me to the heights that I need to be.”

It isn’t just me bringing hope to the hopeless; it is my friends bringing hope to me, too. They are surrounding me with support and without them, I don’t feel this path would be as easy going as the past four months (fourteen years of friendship for that matter) have been. Sure I have my down days but there is HOPE waiting for me at the beginning and end of every single day! I make the most of a day and I find a peace in my affliction and will continue to share my HOPE and Light with you!

God Bless You, one and ALL! 

Pss. 111:1 “Praise ye the LORD. I will praise the LORD with my whole heart, in the assembly of the upright, and in the congregation.”

There is no one like our God!

God of this City

My Realization

Some see an electric pole, I see a cross

2 Sam. 22:40 “For thou hast girded me with strength to battle: them that rose up against me hast thou subdued under me.”

The Realization

Well, I think I’ve discovered the reason for my ‘grumbles’ as some call it. It’s the realization that this is my new life and it isn’t going anywhere soon. Let me ask you, when you walk into a food store what’s the first thing you see? Food, right?  Now look at the food, all of it and think, I can’t have any. That is my new life. This is the source of my grumbles.

My new life consists of expensive foods that I probably shouldn’t even be eating. I’m cautious with every bite and every single purchase and hubby is always on the lookout for something I ‘might’ be able to eat. If it’s a fruit or vegetable, yippee, that’s me, but I’m human, I don’t like every fruit and vegetable on the market. But I'm willing to try those once disliked veggies.

I can’t eat processed food so the majority of boxed, canned and frozen foods are out of the question. The brown eggs hubby buys me are four dollars a dozen (sometimes on sale) and I go through a dozen a week. I go through two bags of seven-dollars-a bag of grapes a week, and strawberries I eat a lot of whether in season or out of season.

This is my reality. This is the realization that if I want to live, I cannot visit a fast food restaurant ever again. I can’t go to the new Dunkin Donuts that just opened up. Visiting a movie house would be as torturous as going food shopping, the aroma alone will eat me alive. Not that we visited any of these places often, but we had a choice. Now, my only choice is live or die. I look at every item on the shelf and painstakingly have to look at the ingredients. No soy, no wheat, that just about leaves me meat and dairy which is not allowed either, so yeah, that leaves cruciferous veggies, fruit (not all), and berries.

If you’re on a diet, you have a choice. You can cheat, you can go off your diet at any time, and honestly, you can look forward to your diet ending and going back to eating all the food you want. I myself, don’t have that choice. Again, my only choice in the matter is live or die! If I cheat, I am cheating myself of life and my willpower is too strong for that. I choose life, plain and simple.

I am not complaining, I am not grumbling, I’m letting you in on the realization that THIS is my new way of life. I do have a choice, I could live or I could die, quite simple choice, no? I choose life. Why grumble, why whine? Because the realization hits you in the face, that THIS is your new way of life! Let’s say you’re driving down the road and a Mack truck is heading straight for you, in that instant, you swerve to miss the head on collision. You chose to live, you chose to live with the realization of what plummeting into the ditch will cause.

I’m out here in the middle of nowhere building my strength. I go to the food store to see just how strong I am and I’m getting better! The first time I went food shopping, I left bawling my eyes out, the second and third time were a little better, but last time we left the food store we had to stop and get gas. Tears overflowed my eyes in silence. The pictures on the outside of the gas station were images of donuts. We sat next to a Buffalo Wild Wings, another new business I never had the chance to try. 

Surrounding me was a Burger King, an Applebee's restaurant where we had our wedding day meal, and then there was Wendy’s where I had my last meal from the outside world. The images and memories just poured in and my eyes reacted, my heart hurt and I cried. This is all a part of my healing too as I see how strong I am each day and just how much this little lady can take. 

Then there were the people hurrying out of the surrounding places with either a drink or food in their hand or lighting a cigarette. There were big people and little people, short people and tall people all with the same choice as me, to live or die, and my crazy mind is thinking that they are choosing a slow death over life. I can sit here and say it’s their life and I don’t care what they do but in all honesty, I DO care. I care very much whether people live or die. I can’t change their choices but I can hear their voices, and not one of them are saying, I WANT TO LIVE! 

You can say that this is me judging people but I say it is me observing people. I do care whether people live or die but it is not my CHOICE on what they choose in life. I, a little late in life, choose to live and this is the realization of my new way of living. 

2 Sam. 22:33  “God is my strength and power: and he maketh my way perfect.”