The Struggle Is Real

Prov. 16:1 (NIV) “To humans belong the plans of the heart, but from the LORD comes the proper answer of the tongue.”

The struggle is real...

In the past year since my diagnosis, I have a totally different perspective on life, as you can imagine. I don’t live aligned to the world like everyone else, eating what I want and not caring about my health because simply put, my inner health is as vital as my outer health. The sooner we all learn that, the more in tune we’ll be with the God within. 

I was a lot like you all in that I ate what I wanted whether it was unknowingly toxic or not (ie: fluoride in drinking water, microwaving plastics, processed food, and GMO food) I ate what I wanted and didn’t care if it was killing me. Food tasted good and everyone else was doing it and they ‘appeared’ healthy, somewhat overweight (is that healthy?) but appearing like all was right in their world, health-wise and otherwise.

Then it hit me, I have the disease everyone dreads hearing from their doctor. The fear-of-death laden diagnosis came out of left field, but if truth be told, I knew cancer was a possibility but I did NOTHING to prevent it. I was swimming along with the school of fish enjoying the plastic and oil spills being dumped into my living space; I didn’t care, like you, I just did not care!

Please, don’t tell me that you care about what you eat and drink and what goes in your body. Don’t tell me you care about yourself while slowly killing yourself. What you can do is jump on the scale and look me directly in the eye and say, ‘I am healthy and where I (and my doctor) want me to be! I CARE about Me!’ I wasn’t even overweight and I told myself that on a daily basis, and look at me now. I know the struggle and the struggle is REAL!

I came out from under my rock and peeked around at the world and it is not at all what I remember or care to see. I asked God a few things and this [similar] post popped up on my newsfeed on facebook.

A reworded, rearranged meme: 

God Said No

“I asked God to take away my nasty habits. 
He said NO. It’s not for me to take away but for you to give up. 
I asked God to make my handicapped body whole again.
He said NO. Your Spirit is whole and your body is only temporary. 
I asked for patience and he said patience is a byproduct of tribulations, it isn’t granted, it is learned.
I asked for happiness and He gave me blessings,  my happiness is up to me. 
I asked for my pain to be spared and He said NO, pain draws me AWAY from the world and brings me closer to Him! 
I asked Him to help me grow. He said No, I'll prune you so you’ll be fruitful. 
I asked God for all things to enjoy this life and He said NO, I’ll give you LIFE so that you may enjoy all things. 
I asked God to help me LOVE others and not be judgmental. Again I was told that is for me to learn so I can count every day as a blessing.

Sometimes we ask for so many of the wrong things in our walk of life. Our eyes are not turned toward God but away from Him and focused on the things of this world that pleases our eyes. When you are so consumed with the world, you shouldn’t make fun of others who have God as their focus. I'd like to help you, but again, you don't CARE to help yourself, so my words fail to you. I don’t make fun of you as you’re consumed with food, media, and the world that a box presents to you. I accept that we're all different. So please, don't make fun of me!

While others are consumed with life and living I’m consumed with dying and where I want to go afterward. My daily consumption is the Word and all that He is preparing me for. I won’t go from this world to the next with nasty smelling baggage. When I was consumed with the world it got me nowhere but sickness, illness, and destruction. 

While someone might find it okay to tell me to go back under my rock as I’m in the throes of fighting cancer, I have to accept that being hurtful is the new norm from a world gone wrong. I peek out momentarily from ‘under my rock’ as was so inconsiderately spoken, and I see a world consumed with food, gossip, media headlines, and fantasy. And nothing of God dribbles from their mouths. Oh, on occasion they utter a word or two to God to make themselves feel good but really, is that what this life is all about nowadays?

Not for me. These days I HAVE to be consumed with God because my perspective on life has changed quite dramatically over the last year. I don’t live on the playground with other kids, frolicking in the physical toxins that deplete life, I am living in the Spirit-filled world where the bountiful beauty resides in nature. I am me, you are you. If you are happy with who and what you are then KUDOS to you and your accomplishments. Now respect me enough to allow me to dawdle in what makes ME happy, and that is God! 

The struggle is real! This is the time that God says YES! 

Job 31:5-6 “If I have walked with vanity, or if my foot hath hasted to deceit; Let me be weighed in an even balance, that God may know mine integrity.”

Pss. 9:2 “I will be glad and rejoice in thee: I will sing praise to thy name, O thou most High.”

Citizen Of Heaven

Philippians 1:29 “For unto you it is given in the behalf of Christ, not only to believe on him, but also to suffer for his sake;”

Citizens of Heaven

This morning as I was reflecting on my bible emails, something in one email jumped out at me, citizens of heaven. Long story short, we are basically citizens of heaven being immigrated to earth. What we portray to the world should be our heavenly realm residing in us but so many times along the route are people born of the earth and of the earth, they will return.

I have a friend who recently moved from one side of the United States to the other side of the U.S. Along the journey of moving he snapped beauty-filled pictures along the way to show everyone his daily travels. Basically, that is what happens to us after we’re born, we have mentally taken pictures along the growth route and display them for the world to see.

I have some friends who were raised by the mother and father love, some where only the mother was around, and some who were abandoned at birth and left in an orphanage. Some had seemingly perfect lives while others struggled to live. I have a bountiful of friends who’ve had a religious upbringing while others were made to fend for themselves in finding anything to do with God. 

I, as usual, was of the weird background. I went to a Catholic school, had a mother and father present, but was basically on my own in declaring any semblance of a heavenly citizenship. I came from a somewhat big family of six but as we grew we dispersed never really knowing what it meant to be bound to each other. We’re a family in name only. Funny how emptiness works; you’re raised in a full family where nothingness dwells and emptiness is the return deposit you get.

I see other families having ties that bound them as parents and siblings and often wonder what on earth did I miss? How did my travels go so awry? Why are the images that I snapped of the negative format and why didn’t they turn me into a negative person?

While some people might look at me now and think I’m Miss Perfect, I am as far from perfect as you can get. I am bruised and battered, shattered and broken just trying to glue some of the pieces back together so I can be rid of a disease that tries to eat me alive. I am excess baggage on the carousel of life.

I am still on a writing hiatus but occasionally I get the urge, like today, to just write out my feelings that will get me to the next leg of this journey. My snapshots are few because you can only take so many images of wind, cold and rain before realizing the breath of life is dealing you a gray bleak reality. I think spring is on hiatus too as it dished out a blizzard on April 18th with horrendous winds. The lack of sun, the absence of new life, the longing for any kind of outdoor activity has put a damper on my new year. A month into spring and all I see and feel is winter. I will not see anything remotely related to spring until June. 

No matter how hard I try to put a positive spin on my heavenly world, darkness creeps in trying to strangle what light I have left in me. Like a child tiptoeing down the stairs at Christmas; I’m always surprised by what is or isn’t under the tree. Snapshots become bitter memories. My journey isn’t a pretty bouquet of joy and happiness.

1 Chron. 29:15 “For we are strangers before thee, and sojourners, as were all our fathers: our days on the earth are as a shadow, and there is none abiding.”

I feel as though I’m a citizen of heaven with a temporary passport, dropped off at the airport with a sign saying ‘family’ and seeking out a family, any family that will say look there she is, let’s bring her home! The airport empties and I’m left sitting, sometimes playing on the baggage carousel just to get someone to notice that I’m still here with the sign in my hand. 

Someone comes and picks me up saying, “I can use a new piece of luggage.” And I’m carried off to a new home a new life, but still holding the sign. I must’ve stayed on the carousel too long because now I’m dizzy from going around and around. A kaleidoscope of images fans out but to the eye, they are jumbled gray clouds.

I live in a state where the majority of youngsters here are desperate to get away and move across the country carrying their baggage. They were born of the heavenly realm, raised mostly in the Bible Belt atmosphere and will show the world, the future, what shaped them. Some residents wanted to flee but instead stayed having nothing to show for their lives except a passive repetitious growth of snapshots hanging on the wall. Me? I was dropped off at the airport with a sign.

Some residents ventured away only to return because the big bad world out there was not all they expected it to be. Bon Bon's and cream puffs are a thing of the past. It’s as if we were taken from paradise and dropped off at the airport. Some had names of families that picked them up right away, while others were given a generic sign with hopes that someone would see them.

The projection of the heavenly realm escapes me as the pastures are covered in a somber tone of grayish-sage. The emotional baggage is heavy, carrying it around drags me down, and no one wants to be burdened by an orphan at the airport. While I may be a Citizen of Heaven, I’m a product of the earth.

Isa. 51:6 “Lift up your eyes to the heavens, and look upon the earth beneath: for the heavens shall vanish away like smoke, and the earth shall wax old like a garment, and they that dwell therein shall die in like manner: but my salvation shall be for ever, and my righteousness shall not be abolished.”

Quotation Saturday - Hope, Faith, Love!

“And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love.” 1 Cor. 13:13 (NIV)

HOPE

“Part of the problem with the word 'disabilities' is that it immediately suggests an inability to see or hear or walk or do other things that many of us take for granted. But what of people who can't feel? Or talk about their feelings? Or manage their feelings in constructive ways? What of people who aren't able to form close and strong relationships? And people who cannot find fulfillment in their lives, or those who have lost hope, who live in disappointment and bitterness and find in life no joy, no love? These, it seems to me, are the real disabilities.” 
― Fred Rogers

“TO BE HOPEFUL in bad times is not just foolishly romantic. It is based on the fact that human history is a history not only of cruelty, but also of compassion, sacrifice, courage, kindness.
What we choose to emphasize in this complex history will determine our lives. If we see only the worst, it destroys our capacity to do something. If we remember those times and places—and there are so many—where people have behaved magnificently, this gives us the energy to act, and at least the possibility of sending this spinning top of a world in a different direction.
And if we do act, in however small a way, we don’t have to wait for some grand utopian future. The future is an infinite succession of presents, and to live now as we think human beings should live, in defiance of all that is bad around us, is itself a marvelous victory.” 
― Howard Zinn

“Since I was young, I have always known this: Life damages us, every one. We can’t escape that damage. But now, I am also learning this: We can be mended. We mend each other” 
― Veronica Roth

“It isn't as bad as you sometimes think it is. It all works out. Don't worry. I say that to myself every morning. It all works out in the end. Put your trust in God, and move forward with faith and confidence in the future. The Lord will not forsake us. He will not forsake us. If we will put our trust in Him, if we will pray to Him, if we will live worthy of His blessings, He will hear our prayers.” 
― Gordon B. Hinckley

FAITH

Keep Going
“Your hardest times often lead to the greatest moments of your life. Keep going. Tough situations build strong people in the end.” 
― Roy T. Bennett

“Faith is walking face-first and full-speed into the dark. If we truly knew all the answers in advance as to the meaning of life and the nature of God and the destiny of our souls, our belief would not be a leap of faith and it would not be a courageous act of humanity; it would just be... a prudent insurance policy.” 
― Elizabeth Gilbert

“The moment God is figured out with nice neat lines and definitions, we are no longer dealing with God.” 
― Rob Bell

“There are times when solitude is better than society, and silence is wiser than speech. We should be better Christians if we were more alone, waiting upon God, and gathering through meditation on His Word spiritual strength for labour in his service. We ought to muse upon the things of God, because we thus get the real nutriment out of them. . . . Why is it that some Christians, although they hear many sermons, make but slow advances in the divine life? Because they neglect their closets, and do not thoughtfully meditate on God's Word. They love the wheat, but they do not grind it; they would have the corn, but they will not go forth into the fields to gather it; the fruit hangs upon the tree, but they will not pluck it; the water flows at their feet, but they will not stoop to drink it. From such folly deliver us, O Lord. . . .” 
― Charles Haddon Spurgeon

LOVE

“Promise Yourself

To be so strong that nothing
can disturb your peace of mind.
To talk health, happiness, and prosperity
to every person you meet.

To make all your friends feel
that there is something in them
To look at the sunny side of everything
and make your optimism come true.

To think only the best, to work only for the best,
and to expect only the best.
To be just as enthusiastic about the success of others
as you are about your own.

To forget the mistakes of the past
and press on to the greater achievements of the future.
To wear a cheerful countenance at all times
and give every living creature you meet a smile.

To give so much time to the improvement of yourself
that you have no time to criticize others.
To be too large for worry, too noble for anger, too strong for fear,
and too happy to permit the presence of trouble.

To think well of yourself and to proclaim this fact to the world,
not in loud words but great deeds.
To live in faith that the whole world is on your side
so long as you are true to the best that is in you.” 
― Christian D. Larson

“Above all, don't lie to yourself. The man who lies to himself and listens to his own lie comes to a point that he cannot distinguish the truth within him, or around him, and so loses all respect for himself and for others. And having no respect he ceases to love.” 
― Fyodor Dostoyevsky

“Love is the depth of the soul that flutters every time you breathe. Some enjoy the aroma of breath on their face, others simply exist with no air in their lungs.”
~ Joni Zipp

Thought-filled Thursday

Rev. 12: 11 And they overcame him by the blood of the Lamb, and by the word of their testimony; and they loved not their lives unto the death.
***

Drama! Drama! drama! I attract drama like a bee to honey, like a bird to a flower, like rain to the ground. It follows me, catches up to me, and splatters all over my face.

Yesterday, my room got a visit by the ‘principal’ at f2k. You see, the drama was so loud, it made the principal come down and reprimand us. I lowered my head in shame because I have higher standards than being relinquished to bitterness, and the drama brought out emotions I just as soon forget were ever brewed inside of me.

Anna assumed no one was watching. She peeked around the corner and like a child in a movie, she slung mud, throwing it at whoever walked by. She had said in one of her responses, “Oh, I’m evil today.” And sure enough, that is the only place that the dark crap of life can come from, you know who, the Dark One.

F2K is normally a quiet, writer filled, peace-has-washed-over me site. We never have drama, but occasionally we get a person who can not handle rules, feels left out, throws spitballs at the teacher, stomps her feet loud enough for everyone to hear, bullies a few people on her way OUT the door. And yes the principal will throw out anyone who disrupts the course of the smooth running waters.

I was hurt in the crossfire mind you, of  all the drama. How can you not get your sleeve ripped off when someone says, “You show poor leadership.” When anyone who knows me, knows otherwise. How can your jeans manage not to shred, when someone says, “You can’t spell, what kind of leader is that?” OUCH! Now I KNOW that one is not true because I am one of the BEST spellers I know. A typo is not bad spelling, it’s poor editing. :)

Then there was the appearance of the principal, standing in the doorway. His silhouette made him appear ten feet tall, and the shadow, the long sinuous shadow creeped along the floor like moss. I shivered, shuddered, blinked then gulped. He arrived.

That was the drama in the virtual world. There was drama in my reality too but I don’t have time for that. I have to move on, raise my chin, walk away proud knowing not one curse word left my mouth. My bitterness is only a taste that will dissipate, nothing more, nothing less. I go on...