End of the Year: Part III

Rom. 13:13-14 “Let us walk honestly, as in the day; not in rioting and drunkenness, not in chambering and wantonness, not in strife and envying.

But put ye on the Lord Jesus Christ, and make not provision for the flesh, to fulfil the lusts thereof.”

End of the Year: Part III

Polar opposites. That is the only term I can come up with when I think of my family and my hubby’s family. My hubby’s dad passed away when he was twenty-five and he basically didn’t have a dad for many of those years because of a divorce of his mom and dad, but let me tell you, his family is simply amazing in their endurance of togetherness.

His great-grandparents and grandparents (on his mother’s side) were the pillars that set the stage for the future generations to come. They were deeply rooted in the love of the Lord and handed down that passion for ages to come. No not all of the family watered and nurtured the seed that was planted so long ago, but when I came into the family I could FEEL a difference in our polar opposites.

My great grandparents handed down alcoholism to the generations. Now while my hubby’s dad was a drinker, alcoholism never had a chance to define the children because the mother was so rooted in her dedication to the Lord. What the children do with the seed is totally up to them, they have free will to pick and choose where the next generation will take the family.

My family on the other hand, for generations, was defined by alcohol. I’m not talking about casual drinkers now; I’m talking about generations of alcoholics. My great-grandmother, my grandparents (on both sides from what I can tell) were very heavy drinkers, and all their kids and their kids' kids, all became drinkers or alcoholics. That was and IS my family except for the scarce few who peeled themselves AWAY from the family to become what they could on their own, like myself. I’m a survivor from way back.

Drugs and alcohol defined my life when I was very young and it was only the Hand of God that guided me in a different direction. Not my mother or father or my sister or brothers showed me a different way to live but I was determined to NOT  be like them or raise my child to grow and be a drinker. I would give him a window into the past but offer him a promise of a future, away from alcoholics.

Now many people wonder where I get my strength to battle this disease without the aid and assistance of a doctor and I can honestly tell you it is once again by the Hand of God that guides me. Live or die, my God is the guide on this long journey; always has been and always will be! I was not raised in a family that loved the Lord, we kids were basically tossed into a Catholic school and made to defend ourselves and find what we could on our own. I found God waiting to cradle me daily in life. I can’t say other members of my family were as lucky. I converted from (religious) Catholicism to (spiritual) Christianity very easily and it is the seed of the Lord that defines who I am and who I am yet to become.

You might be wondering why this is my End of the Year post? Well because on Christmas Day, the family embraced me, hugged me, allowed me to feel the love that carried them all of their lives. I feel nothing but love shining from this family. They are not perfect but to me, this is as close to perfect that I will ever see. The Mid-West farmland, the Bible belt is definitely a different place than an industrialized smoggy city like the one where I came from. Pure love is the best love here! With no ulterior motive behind the love, it becomes a blanket not much unlike the snow-covered ground. It’s a barrier of protection to the seeds below.

My blood family, on the other hand, is still continuing on the path of lies and deception. I can’t elaborate because it's not my story to tell. On Christmas Eve I went to my family FB account and wished them all a Merry Christmas, I went back the day after Christmas and not one Merry Christmas back. My family is so consumed with their selfishness, their money, their blindness that they cannot see any real love right in front of their faces except for the false products of the fabricated family that they built.

Pss. 4:2 “O ye sons of men, how long will ye turn my glory into shame? how long will ye love vanity, and seek after leasing? Selah.”

Christmas morning I called my mother to wish her a Merry Christmas and to have a good day. Later that evening I called to see how her day went. All she could talk about was how she had a good meal at my brother’s beautiful house and how she went to my sister’s and there sat my meth-head brother who is now taking advantage of my sister’s kindness in keeping him out of the frigid cold and how my other brother didn’t even send her a card and blah blah blah. Yeah, she didn’t ask how my day was and probably doesn’t want to hear how great of a family I have found and been a part of for fifteen years. 

While I sometimes miss back home, all that I really miss are the memories and to be blunt, I have them, and my story safely tucked inside my head; I don’t miss the love because my family does not know what genuine love is. I pray for them, that is all I can do. I journey on into my future that awaits me, in a polar opposite world surrounded by the path of where I was led and that is the path of LOVE! THAT, my friends, is where I find my strength! 

Pss. 18:1 “I will love thee, O LORD, my strength.” 

A Milestone...Changes ARE Happening

Isa. 60:19 "The sun shall be no more thy light by day; neither for brightness shall the moon give light unto thee: but the LORD shall be unto thee an everlasting light, and thy God thy glory."

A Milestone

I wanted to share a bit of a milestone that really came out of nowhere. You remember that for years I thought I had MS and that my unbalance may have been a symptom? I have posted numerous times telling of my pains in my back, knees and everywhere else. 

I know I have one friend that remembers the intimate details I displayed for you all here on my blog. If you’re a follower, you know my story. If you’re not a follower, there are previous posts links over there to play catch up.

Being unbalanced left me either sitting or standing and holding onto the wall but never could I stand and put my pants on in about four years now; it was just too uncertain.

Yesterday it happened, I had to go into my bedroom and get pants. Without even thinking, I stood in the middle of the room and put my pants on, one leg at a time. No wobble, no uncertainty, no holding onto anything, nothing. After pulling them up and buttoning them, I stood there and thought, ‘did I just do that’? A tear came to my eye because it had been four years since feeling like a somewhat normal human being.

My body is changing for the good. Apparently, a healthy lifestyle is what I needed to regain my balance. Not only has the loss of thirty pounds made a significant difference in my wardrobe (115 lbs and holding), the adding of pertinent supplements and healthy eating all around has made a difference in my showering, the way I dress, the way I walk and just about everything in my life. 

This week though, I’ve been on the defense in so many ways. I’m thinking October 29th, the second anniversary of my dad’s passing is taking a toll on me that I never seen coming. I am at peace with his passing but I do have to contend with my mother, very much alive who misses him terribly on a daily basis. She says she can’t figure out why she was kept here alive and I told her point blank, maybe it’s for ME! I think God is going to keep me alive for HER as well.

My mother has no idea I have this ugly disease, she would become paranoid (as usual) and worry too much and try to instill fear in me so I think her NOT knowing is for her benefit as well as mine. I think God has kept her alive for me since she is really the only family that I’m in touch with on a daily basis, my grounding so-to-speak. I’ve always been very close to my mother and not physically seeing her for over ten years has its own stress factor but to hear her voice daily helps relieve the stress immensely.

Another milestone is the tumor itself. I’ve been feeling some sharp pains here lately and instead of fear and panic I kicked into research mode and conferred with ladies experiencing the exact same thing as I, as we are all on an alternative path together. I’m going to get a little (a lot) personal and graphic here, if you’re a man, turn away now. 

The tumor is in the rapid cell die-off phase. Without a doctor, you might be wondering how I know this. Well, let me tell you. The tumor is big. I’ve already done immeasurable research on this and have found that the tumor is not cancer. The tumor is a result of the cancer, a reaction if you will, it is NOT the cancer itself. Back in January when the disease was discovered, I went to the doctor with a C+ cup size of my left breast. I, my life since teenage years, have been a very comfortable B size. 

With my diet change and weight loss, I’m bound to lose breast size so that isn’t the telltale sign I’m looking for in healing, no, the pains are. Over I’d say this past month (since a miraculous herb literally walked in my front door) or two I’ve had a reduction of breast size on the LEFT side. No longer a C+ or even a C, I’m fitting comfortably back into my B cup! You might see that as no big deal, but visually it IS a big deal because I SEE the healing taking place! The tumor is still there but if the pains are a telltale sign of rapid cell die off, I’m winning this battle, a little pain at a time!

I have to share this graphic tale with you as I move toward the continued healing part of my journey. I’m still edgy and defensive but hey, maybe a lack of sugar and carbs is having that effect nine months later. I still have my sense of humor, I took a six-week writing course, and while a little stressful for me, I took it as a challenge to stretch my writing muscles even further. I’m still maintaining strict eating habits that I’m coming to enjoy, I’m still walking and exercising, still loving life and still have problems with my defensiveness. I can work on that though. I’ve done so much work this year that finally I’m seeing the results of my labor. A little defensiveness is nothing to tackle.

All my praise and glory goes to my God on most high! I could not and would not be where I am today without Him holding the reins! My supportive friends are very much an aspect of this healing too! Thank you, and God bless! 

Embracing My New Life

Prov. 16:24 “Pleasant words are as an honeycomb, sweet to the soul, and health to the bones.”

Embracing My New Life

First, let me just say that I have some of the most amazing friends! When I’m in a venting mood they sense me knowing me so well and knowing I’m doing my best and being so strong in this illness, they surround me to lift me up and give me strength! THAT’s what friends are for! Thank you! You’re precious to me!

I think I touched a nerve in my post about what I eat and how I miss food. Don’t misunderstand me. I never really ate that much food before my illness and I’ve always really deep down wanted to eat this way but when you have a kid and a hubby who likes unhealthy food, I comply. I think I’m the kind of person that always takes care of everyone else before I take care of myself. As you can see, that is not always the best line of defense.

With this illness, I’ve found friends who already eat this veggie way, or are willing to change their diet to make themselves more healthy. If one person changes the way they look at food and all its ingredients after reading my post, then praise be to God! 

You see, as much as I want this new lifestyle to be about me, this diagnosis has hit my husband and son pretty hard. My son, who is twenty-one fears losing his mother and my husband, who lost his dad to lung cancer, lost a young cousin (thirty-three) to colon cancer and has an aunt in hospice now with cancer, doesn’t know what to make of me and this decision to go alternative. 

Do you see? All of these losses and all chose chemo. The doctors never gave them alternatives or even suggested current clinical studies, they threw them into the chemo chair and now they are deceased. I am not saying chemo didn’t help YOU if you are a current survivor, I’m saying chemo didn’t help members of MY family, too many to list, and I want to see if an alternative treatment works, for my husband, for my son, nieces or nephews. I NEED to see if there are alternative routes. I’m willing to do this instead of becoming another statistic in the family.

I’m trying to be strong for hubby, son and my family and they’re trying to be strong for me. But I hope you realize the thing about me again is, I always think of others before I think of myself. When I post about my food shopping excursions, it's really about me hurting to see hubby digging and digging looking for one thing that isn’t there for me. He is trying so hard and this is his way of dealing with what I’m going through.

My husband is the non-communicative type. He’s so much like my father it is eerie at times. When I ask him if he’s okay with me doing the alternative treatment he says, yeah, and goes on with his day. I thank God every day for giving me more than five senses because I can sense what hubby’s thinking and feeling and I sense that he’s afraid, afraid of losing me.

I know my husband doesn’t have the strong faith and devotion to God that I have but then again, not many people do. I don’t think myself a diamond, many people can find a diamond or pearl, I think myself a rarer gem like the elusive Black Opal. I don’t say that from an ego standpoint, I say it from an observational standpoint. I also think my friends would agree, I’m a rare gem among the crowd. Let me just note, I have many friends who are rare gems also! We are a rare breed slowly going into extinction but we are out here fighting to stay ALIVE! 

As I pray and meditate day and night to heal myself, I have a family back home that I have released; I had to, to heal. A friend had said to make amends but I have nothing to mend back there, I reached out and only my sister and her daughter have reached out to show support. My mother still does not know of my diagnosis, she is not well and still grieving heavily for her husband of sixty years and my sister and I agree, she’s just not well enough to know.

I need to heal! If I stress over what is back home, I won’t heal. Luckily over the past thirteen years, I’ve written so much that has aided in my emotional healing, I believe it was strengthening me for the here and now.

Since my friends are so supportive and understanding, I now have them seeking out recipe’s for me whether from online or their own. They’re the ones going to get me through this! They’re the ones on this journey WITH me and doing everything within their power to help; monetarily or otherwise THEY are here for me! My friends along with my Lord are my strength!

Alkaline Foods I CAN eat: 

ALKALIZING VEGETABLES (preferably organic) 
Alfalfa
Beets
Broccoli
Cabbage
Carrot
Cauliflower
Celery
Chard Greens
Chlorella
Collard Greens
Cucumber
Eggplant
Fermented Veggies
Garlic
Green Beans
Green Peas
Kale
Lettuce
Mushrooms
Mustard Greens
Nightshade Veggies
Onions
Parsnips (high glycemic)
Peas
Peppers
Pumpkin
Radishes
Sea Veggies (not a fan of kelp, but hey, I’d give it a try)
Spinach, green
Sprouts
Sweet Potatoes
Tomatoes
Watercress
Wheat Grass
Wild Greens

So you can see, there is a lot I CAN eat! My list of no eats is on the list of Acidifying side of the list. I cannot have acidifying elements! The cancer cells love toxins and acid is the home of toxins. Recipes with the above ingredients will be greatly appreciated and may even wind up in the book I’m writing, with your permission of course. 

My friends, we can do this! With your support and encouragement, I KNOW I can do this! Onward Christian Soldiers…let’s go to battle! 

God bless each and every one of you! 

Follow Me

Prov. 1:16 “For their feet run to evil, and make haste to shed blood.”

On my blog I have a follow button, over there to your left, you see it? I had 114 followers but google changed some things around and people have to have a google account to follow me, so fourteen of my followers went to the wayside. They were not google followers.

You know, Jesus asked people to follow him and while I don’t concern myself as much focusing on His followers, I’d like to reach out to the non-followers and ask them to join me in a walk. A walk that many followers have tread. Some have fallen; I myself have staggered quite a few times trudging up the mountain but a beautiful Light always pulled me back.

Mark 8:34 “And when he had called the people unto him with his disciples also, he said unto them, Whosoever will come after me, let him deny himself, and take up his cross, and follow me.”

I know comparing my loss of followers to Jesus’ loss of followers is stretching it but bear with me on this one. I wonder if Jesus concerned Himself with the loss of followers or did he just go on with his ministry turning a blind eye to those sheep that strayed. Did he not concern himself with the straying sheep and was only concerned with his close followers? I myself don’t think so.

Did He want you to worry about YOU or did he want you to care and nurture your straying neighbor? To me that’s kind of like seeing a man beating a woman and saying, hey it’s none of my business, I could get myself killed if I intervene. I know, another stretch of the imagination, but you get me meaning. Do we ignore what is in front of our eyes or just worry about ourselves?

1 Cor. 1:10 “Now I beseech you, brethren, by the name of our Lord Jesus Christ, that ye all speak the same thing, and that there be no divisions among you; but that ye be perfectly joined together in the same mind and in the same judgment.”

Here’s the problem ‘I’ have, too many people saying too much differently. Preachers saying this, followers saying that and sometimes they’re not in agreement and that’s what causes division among men. Sometimes people map out their own words that sure sound good but is it sound doctrine? I DO concern myself with sound doctrine and I DO focus on sound doctrine. 

I personally read the King James Version of the bible and I don’t even know if this is the truest of translations, what with all the talk of the apocryphal books (not divine words from God) being put in, kept out, kept hidden. The truth is this, God hides nothing. 

Doesn’t that separate us? Does it bring us together in the same mind? Not if one person interprets the Word differently. It looks to me to be a major problem, everyone seeing what they want to see and doing what they want where the bible is concerned. Me I’m just trying to interpret what the bible means to ME and if following the lost herd of sheep is a direction, I am not going that way. If my words mean something to you, that is all well and good.

If you’re just discovering God, then you too will be pulled in many directions. I don’t think ministers and pastors mean for it to happen, it just happens but it also leaves you confused with what and who to follow.

Eph. 4:14-15  “That we henceforth be no more children, tossed to and fro, and carried about with every wind of doctrine, by the sleight of men, and cunning craftiness, whereby they lie in wait to deceive; But speaking the truth in love, may grow up into him in all things, which is the head, even Christ:”

My focus is on the truth. God is my truth and you, no matter what, need to discern what the truth is to you. As I find healing in my written words because I am being led by the Word of God and all of the fragrances of truth that tickle my nose leave ME feeling complete and whole. You can follow me and my blog, but I’d much rather you seek the truth and follow Him. 

John 14:6 “Jesus saith unto him, I am the way, the truth, and the life: no man cometh unto the Father, but by me.”

MTOC ~ Day Two: Laid To Rest

Job 22:29 “When men are cast down, then thou shalt say, There is lifting up; and he shall save the humble person.”

My Testimony of Christ

Okay, where was I? Read yesterday’s post.

My mother and sister had a disagreement this weekend and in dysfunctional familyesque form, my sister told my mother that she died when I was born. Mind you, my sister was three years old when I came along. I was the sixth child to be born and better yet, I was born on my mother’s birthday. I ruined my sister’s life by being born and paid for the anarchy that ensued in the following years.

My sister felt slighted from that day forward. She was no longer daddy’s little princess because this new baby came along with a shining smile and stole all of her limelight. I guess I was THAT cute from birth. That was sarcasm. 

I’m not here to tell my sister’s story. But I will say that when my mother told me what my sister said it hurt; another wound on my skin, another scar to add to the fold. I was angry, enraged, bitter and wanted to go on facebook and announce to the world that my sister was a total piece of …

I stopped, “Dear God help me!” It’s all I could do to calm down. I said yesterday how He took me in and saved me, so in my times of distress that is all I know to do, turn to Him. I sat and prayed and as I did memories came flooding back; memories I would have rather laid to rest but they resurface anytime my sister takes out her sword and stabs me with her jealous needles.

I have a friend who told me once, “You have to put the past behind you and leave your blood family behind. We’re your family now, your spiritual family!” No truer words were ever spoken. My family doesn’t know me anymore, I’m the kid (I was thirty-seven) who left home and left them to pick up the pieces of the family puzzle that I left lying on the floor. 

A twenty-year marriage shattered because I listened to God; not to the family or husband who wanted me bound to their whim. I catered to them and weaved them together so that we formed some form of semblance of a family but when I left, with two-weeks notice, the puzzle burnt in a flame of fire. No one spoke to me, no one reached out to see if their little sister who went almost fifteen-hundred miles away with a total stranger was okay. They were glad to be rid of me finally so they could get the attention they didn’t receive in their lives because of this baby who ruined life for them. 

They were then mad; mad because the family was left in pieces without me. They resented the fact that I was going on with my life, never to see them again. I tried the phone calls, I tried with blistered fingers to stay in touch but the calls became farther and fewer in between. I was now bitter with my family but on a road of healing. 

All of those years I was blind to the way I was treated. Not by my mother and father who yes, treated me with the utmost respect and loved my son and showered him and me in love. My brothers and sister didn’t receive that love. When my father was sick, he’d call my husband in the middle of the night for a ride to the hospital, we jumped. We took my mother food shopping weekly, we took care of her house when she went away, we respected one another and THAT is all that I miss now. I can’t say I miss my siblings because I have a lifetime of resentment built up inside of me of abuse: physically, sexually and mentally. 

Why am I telling you this when some things should remain private? I have to heal and God wants me to release this story to the world. Had I not found God, on my own mind you, had I just stayed in the dysfunctional life I was living and breathing, I would not be a writer, I would not have watched my son graduate high school, I would have never found a family that knows what love truly is.

I was a stone cold alcoholic by the age of sixteen, married at seventeen, and on a road of struggling to survive this thing we call life. At twenty-one, I found myself needing sobriety to continue living. As you can imagine going alone, I had only one resource and that was the very being who had been beside me all of my life guiding me.  

I took on a new role, I became a spiritual light for all who came in contact with me. As you can imagine this newly changed person was even LESS accepted by a dysfunctional family let alone the messed up world. I was illuminated by His Word and carried the torch out into the troubled world wherever I went.

I thanked God daily for my struggles, for my suffering because I knew through every step I was finding a place of healing for ME. God had handed me a flashlight to carry into the darkest of caverns in my life. The batteries never ran out as long as I kept my focus on God and the Light he instilled in me to carry.

The very core of my spirit was strengthened. I was clawing my way through skin and bones to find healing. You might say I was alone; no sugar-daddy to pay my way through the gravel, no medical intervention to drug me up and save me, I had nothing but God. Nothing, no one, just God and me on the journey!

Why did God reach down and save me from the pit I was obviously in; abuse, depression, anxiety, alcoholism and drug addiction? Why did He choose me to be a light to others who might be struggling with their path that is full of darkness? I often ask why but inside I know why. This world is covered in utter darkness and He needs people like me, just as Jesus needed the downtrodden of society to get His message across, God chose me because I am a humble servant giving all Glory to Him!

I have lain my past to rest. To be continued…

Matt. 11:29 “Take my yoke upon you, and learn of me; for I am meek and lowly in heart: and ye shall find rest unto your souls.”

What a Loss...

John 5:24 Verily, verily, I say unto you, He that heareth my word, and believeth on him that sent me, hath ever-lasting life, and shall not come into condemnation; but is passed from death unto life.
***

Well it behooves me to say, I lost a dear friend in the writing world. Joan McNulty Pulver was a special person as all my virtual friends are to me, but she had a light. A shiny light that stood in the doorway when your entire room was dark; she lit the place.

Like so many others before me, she took me under her wing and nurtured our friendship. We never met in person but it really wasn’t necessary because she just had a way of making you feel like she was right in the room laughing and smiling with you.

When someone passes away, it reminds us of the finality of life. We know that if we are Christians and love the Lord, the person has gone on to a much better place than this and that they are no longer suffering with multiple illnesses, like Joan, that seemed to be hitting her a lot in the past year.

We go on day by day, but still, we feel like something is missing. Like our days won’t be the same because that person is no longer there as an arm of support. In the writing world, our arms of support are essential or you don’t have a leg to stand on. Joan was a dependable arm to hold onto and the place echoes with sounds because she is no longer physically present.

I also remember when I had lost another fellow writer, whose death hit me pretty hard. Miss Connie passed and we were all in there (WVU) saying how much we loved and missed her and I remember Joan coming in and saying, “She must’ve been really special. I can only hope I’m loved and thought of this way when I go.” I told her that boy was she! and she wasn’t going anywhere!!!

With each sickness, we lifted her up in prayer. With each virtual visit, she always had kind words to share. Her family is so lucky to have such a special mom, grandma, aunt, friend. They lost a major core of the very beating heart of the family and my prayers can only bring them comfort.

So on this sad day as I remember a friend, I need to remember also that she would not want me to be down. She would want me to laugh and smile and wish her godspeed, because again, she KNOWS she’s in a better place than any of us are down here on Earth.

Just knowing she isn’t here any more hurts in a somber way, but I know that a smile for her will carry her away to heights unknown. She will soar with angels and sing a new song in the realm of heaven. Let me tell you, God got a real special addition to heaven. He needed her more than we did down here. We have to remember her in light and love. We have to give her wings a breath of wind so she may rest, in peace.

Godspeed my friend *blows soft kisses your way*

Soul Harvest

The time is near; the hour nigh,

Moonbeams droop in a blackened sky.

Blazing sun scorches the land.

Earth erupts in a quivering stand.

Encircling us is ravaging hate,
Lust and greed severs our fate.
I sit and watch as lives unravel,
the boulder of strength now merely gravel.



Ashes to ashes, dust to dust,
souls bewildered by mistrust.
Doubt and fear, they give rise;
to muted pleas and mournful cries.



As souls ascend and souls descend,
it is our own that we must mend.
Bringing forth joy, love and peace,
beauty within must never cease.



Firmly tread as the time is here,
to boldly state all we revere.
Harvest of souls its summoning plea.
It's craving you; devouring me.



Come forth and share your wholesome beauty.
Unleash love, as your earthly duty.
Reap what you sow, seek and find.
Then you my friend won't be left behind.


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