Not Good

Pss. 63:3 “Because thy lovingkindness is better than life, my lips shall praise thee.”

When people ask me how I’m doing, like everyone else I say fine. They’re happy with that and offer me to ‘keep it up’! I’m not lying I just don’t want to get into the gist of what I feel is a failure. My husband, son, and mother-in-law don’t see it as a failure but I do. I feel like I’ve let myself an everyone else down. I come down pretty hard on myself.

I’m lying to myself more than anything. I want to be fine and believe I’m going to be fine but getting from point ‘A’ to point ‘B’ is a whole different matter. I accepted the easier of the chemo routes meaning not the kind where they slice, dice, and radiate you, then place what they call a ‘port’ under my skin to fester. The port is the loading dock for the poison they’d administer. No, I took lethal injection instead.

It has been nothing but lethal since the first ninety-minute injection where the side effects were tearing me up from the inside. They lied and told me it would get better; the chills and hard pain should subside with each dose and after the third dose I see no change in side effects except them getting worse. Had Allison been more concerned with the patient than the kickbacks from the Femara she kept trying to push, maybe she would have known about the swelling.

The last visit I had was two weeks ago and Allison, whom I think is the doctor’s assistant came in and saw me instead of the Dr. himself. I guess he was too busy and bears the weight of the patient load. For some reason when they ask you how you’re doing, and you tell them, they spin your words. 

“I’m not good. I’m in a lot of pain from side effects,” I say.

“Oh, they get better with time. Some women don’t even know they’re getting chemo. So, why don’t you want Femara?” There it is, the sale of drugs.

“Well, I know I don’t like the side effects, but I’ll push on. Not with Femara though, something milder the doctor offered.” 

The argument. “Chemo has saved millions of lives, you know?”

“I’m not getting into this conversation, it upsets me.” She knows this, I’ve seen her before. She pressed on until I was in tears and she was (unapologetically) apologizing. She knew what she was doing. They push the fear and scare tactic buttons until you’re a hot mess. Needless to say, she didn’t check my heart, my swelling, or my pulse, all that are normal things to check for in a visit. She was too busy trying to sell her drug.

I was going to give this weeks Herceptin a try, so off I went for my thirty-minute poison pump, where they pump the ‘juice’ into my veins. Afterward, at home, I ate and thought all was right with the world, I was feeling good, then the pain came like a freight train barreling down the tracks. I’ll never eat again, is what I said over and over in tears, wrapped in a blanket, and now in bed at five in the afternoon. This was the norm when coming home from the chemo trips.

A couple more days followed suit and it hit me, that since my first treatment what was once a vital woman was now a shell, a crippled woman trying to make it through each day. I was waking sad, sore and depressed. I couldn’t do my exercises that for seven months I’d been doing. I was just wheeling through the house, using my walker too, but the cane… it became a hindrance and I haven’t used it in nine weeks, almost twelve weeks.

Now when people ask how I’m doing I say, “Not good.” I just can’t lie. When I said I was doing okay, I was! I was walking, exercising, cold or not I got out of the house, intermingled with human beings, I was good. WAS being the operative word. Say your not and poof, everyone disappears. They’ll be back when the word is ‘good’ again. Not good is negative (I know) and brings them down. I don’t blame them.

My mother-in-law emailed me last week and asked if she could come out for a visit, bring me some flowers (for the outside) and I said YES!! Need anything? FRESH RIPE tomatoes! Lol So I was getting a visitor besides my son! Wouldn’t you know, we had so much rain the roads are a muddy mess. It was warm that day and she wore shorts and I told her, this week you’ll be bringing the coats back out! We are all in amazement of this crazy weather. Surprising tornadoes in the city of Lincoln, rain, high winds, cold, chill, floods again, if not, washed out roads! Just a mess, just not a frozen solid ground mess.

Then last week the pain hit me hard. I was having adverse reactions and needed to call the doctors office and let them know. I wrote about the ‘normal side effects a few weeks ago, like sleep problems, nausea, muscle pain, abdominal pain, loss of appetite, tiredness and more, so many more. But there were also the bad side effects. I remembered the swelling but needed to look and see what else I had.

Serious Reactions:
bone pain,
increased coughing,
swelling of the hands/ankles/feet, MY ONE FOOT IS SWELLED LIKE A BALLOON
sudden unexplained weight gain,
unusual tiredness, I FEEL SLEEPING TWELVE AND FIFTEEN HOURS IS NOT NORMAL
severe headache,
tingling or numbness, MY LEFT-HAND GOES NUMB/ NECK TINGLY
mental/mood changes,  I THOUGHT IT WAS NORMAL MENOPAUSE CRUD
fast or pounding heartbeat, and  YES
easy bruising or bleeding.           YES (WHERE’D THAT COME FROM)

I  called and told the nurse Navigator I was experiencing adverse reactions. She said to rest and put my foot up and see if that helps. It did for a couple of nights but that was it. Only my left foot is swelled. And… and… “I’ll take care of the scrip for ya. Ok, bye.” This malpractice is in their court, not mine!

I’m giving up on Herceptin and to me feels like I failed. But wait I didn’t, the DRUGS did!

I know I didn’t, and everyone will tell me so. I go this week for what the docs office thinks is a Herceptin trip and to their surprise, they’re getting me and all my adverse reactions, FINALLY, but no more Herceptin, on to a new plan, Doc! I hope I make it that far, until Wednesday!

There’s more going on that I need to tell you, I’ll call extenuating circumstances! 

TO BE CONTINUED….

Pss. 119: 78 “Let the proud be ashamed; for they dealt perversely with me without a cause: but I will meditate in thy precepts.”

Pss. 119:17 “Deal bountifully with thy servant, that I may live, and keep thy word.”

God Bless!

Lost: I'm searching

2 Sam. 23:4 “And he shall be as the light of the morning, when the sun riseth, even a morning without clouds; as the tender grass springing out of the earth by clear shining after rain.”

The days leading up to...

The days leading up to a chemo treatment are usually filled with anxiety. I try my meditation, my prayers, my refocusing of daily chores and hobbies, but still, I find I’m normal, in so much that, anxiety leaks through. 

I’ve been having good days filled with a lot of pain at night on my right thigh. I guess this is normal too, one of those lovely side effects. I try to understand what I signed up for but I honestly have no clue. I know I signed up for intravenous Herceptin, with no port, and it has side effects. What does it do? Well, one thing it doesn’t do is cure the Big C! It kind of sings it to sleep. 

Why do people assume that chemo is a cure? Do you not see the commercials from the ACS begging for money to help them FIND a cure? Sure they have treatments to prolong your life, but cure? THERE IS NO CURE! Just had to shout that out to those who are reading.

Here are the  COMMON side effects of Herceptin:

Diarrhea - nope
redness or irritation at injection (IV) site - well duh all needles have some pain/redness
muscle/joint/back pain - YES
stomach or abdominal pain - somewhat
Headache - not really
sleep problems (insomnia) - nope
nausea and vomiting (may be severe) _ thank God NO
weight loss - I sure hope not! Hard enough finding clothes now!
Rash - kinda
altered sense of taste - is that what that is?
mouth sores - nope
loss of appetite - still eating like a pig!
Tiredness - most definitely
cold symptoms such as stuffy nose, sinus pain, sneezing, or sore throat. - Runny nose, does that count?

Tell your doctor if you have serious side effects of Herceptin including:

bone pain,
increased coughing,
swelling of the hands/ankles/feet,
sudden unexplained weight gain,
unusual tiredness,
severe headache,
tingling or numbness (e.g., in the hands, feet, leg),
mental/mood changes, - going through menopause, so yes, before Herceptin days.
fast or pounding heartbeat, and
easy bruising or bleeding.

I don’t know the difference in BONE pain and muscle pain, I somewhat have an idea after breaking my femur. But…

THIS is the other DRUG he wanted me taking and I refused. The COMMON side effects alone scared the pants off of me! 

Common side effects of Femara include:

hot flashes,
warmth in your face or chest,
hair loss,
joint/bone/muscle pain,
tiredness,
unusual sweating or night sweats,
nausea,
diarrhea,
dizziness,
trouble sleeping,
drowsiness,
weight gain,
weakness,
flushing (warmth, redness, or tingly feeling),
headache,
constipation,
numbness/tingling/weakness/stiffness in your hand or fingers, or
pain in your hand that spreads to your arm, wrist, forearm, or shoulder.


I would hate to see what the more serious side effects are! When a trusted doctor tells you the side effects are a lot like menopause I beg to differ!!! Unless I’m a rarity among women!

This is MY choice of estrogen blocker that I showed him last Wednesday to see if he’ll ‘allow’ it in my regimen. I’m not giving him a choice.

DIM partial list of side effects:

This is not a complete list of side effects and others may occur.

One of the supplements used for estrogen dominance is diindolylmethane, or DIM, which is a natural plant-based chemical found in many cruciferous vegetables. The effects of cruciferous vegetables, such as cabbage, broccoli, and Brussels sprouts, are being studied as a treatment for cancer.[1] DIM works to create a healthy balance of estrogen and testosterone in your body and is available in capsules or tablets.

DIM Supplement warnings:
If you have a hormone-related condition, make sure to discuss DIM with your doctor, because it can sometimes block estrogen activity. Taking larger doses can be unsafe; possible side effects of using DIM supplements include headaches and nausea.

DIM Side Effects and Interactions
DIM is considered to be safe when consumed from natural sources at doses 100-200mg daily. Taking larger doses such as 600 mg each day, may cause side effects such as headaches, upset stomachs, and can cause reduced sodium levels in some people

TO ME, DIM is much safer than Femara and does the same thing in a natural way, albeit a tablet form. Yes, I’m still on a plant-based regimen! 

The Day of Dread and Doom came and looking for a chair in the chamber was almost impossible, filled with souls getting poison pumped into their systems, bald and aging, wrinkled and sagging. And then there was me with a puzzled look on my face wondering what on earth I was doing there.

The quick session was over (thirty minutes) and I was promised this one would not be as bad as the first session with the chills and pain. It was a lie as I arrived home, I went right to the bedroom cringed in pain, popping pill after pill to try and relieve some of this tension-wracked pain nursing my body and feeding the angst and desperation I never knew before.

Three hours of crying and wriggling in pain, I finally fell asleep. I woke but didn’t want to. I hurt like I’ve never hurt before. Eight years of arthritis and no meds, pain bearable but now, this pain was exhausting and unending. My mind was not accepting this. I did not in no way shape or form want to finish my life out in this kind of angst that is driving my body into the grave. My mind, almost gone. Is this what menopause is like? I don’t think so. Thank you, doctor, for bending the truth YET AGAIN!

Oh and my DIM supplement? He laughed in my face and offered me up another drug to kill me with less side effects. I said no ten times but his ears were obviously clogged so I appeased him, ok doctor, maybe next visit in three weeks.

It has been almost one week and I still feel like the crab on the ocean floor, sucking down the toxic poisons left behind. I still have my hard shell, I can still crawl and be plucked out of the water at any moment but for now, my body is filtering poison through my system and it’s not a pretty sight. Have you ever opened a crab up? Have you seen the filters and the yellow gunk that you’re told NOT to eat of the crab, just the meat? I don’t even have meat left to eat. I am a shell. My yellow gunk is on display. I have maintained my body weight since September, so I know I'm still fighting! 

My husband and son see this change in me; at their wit's end and hubby being sick with walking pneumonia, this isn’t going to fare well. Mother-in-law came out and I feel like she thinks this chemo is the cure-all I need and is good for me but then not after I tell her how it makes me feel. But then again, no one has a clue of the pain and isolation chamber I feel locked into.

I was strolling along enjoying life. Going to physical therapy three days a week when suddenly the rug was pulled out from under me and I fell, hard. Now, I get to the outside world, if I’m lucky, every three weeks for chemo. A doctor visit here and there. A stare out the window, a walk to the back door, and life going on in every way without me. I’m a shell with two eyeballs looking left and right and wondering, is someone going to get me out of here? 

I wake in the morning and don’t like who I see. I’m filled with anger, disgust, discouragement, hate, bitterness, pain and misery; all of these things are foreign to the me who just a month ago was enjoying the physical therapy, loving life and feeling God deep within every step I took. Now...it’s only fitting that during Lent, the season that is being swallowed up around me, I should be tempted and filled with everything the dark lord stands for. 

I’m here...waiting for the crab net to come swooping down. Run along now...it’s not a pretty sight.

Pss. 95:8 “Harden not your heart, as in the provocation, and as in the day of temptation in the wilderness:”

I’m hanging in here, Lord. Don’t leave me dangling...

Isa. 58:8 “Then shall thy light break forth as the morning, and thine health shall spring forth speedily: and thy righteousness shall go before thee; the glory of the LORD shall be thy reward.”

The Chemo Journey

1 Sam. 1:15 “And Hannah answered and said, No, my lord, I am a woman of a sorrowful spirit: I have drunk neither wine nor strong drink, but have poured out my soul before the LORD.”

The Chemo Journey

Preparing for the inevitable chemo Herceptin was an anxiety driven road riddled with potholes. First with the, “We need to see if your heart can handle this drug,” to “Come in the day before treatment to have your blood drawn.” All while having to say my goodbyes to the wonderful young lady who brought me this far in my Physical Therapy recovery and her team that I had grown to know and love over seven months.

A rollercoaster of emotions that I’m still not sure I’m doing the right thing but I was powering through like a champ. The heart test was tedious; take my blood, wait thirty minutes, put my blood back with some kind of drug that would identify if my heart was pumping. Into a tube after putting those lovely sticky nodule things on my chest and into the tube for twenty minutes of picture taking. I wouldn’t find out the results until chemo-day.

Even the day of drawing my blood was filled with anxiety as the lady who drew my blood was not the regular lady and it kind of hurt this time with the wiggling of the chair's arm. My arm was at an awkward position, thus the needle hurt going in and when she was done, she pressed on some cotton that didn’t feel too good but again, I was pushing through the day. Test results wouldn’t be available until the next day, chemo day. 

Chemo day arrived and my anxiety had hit an all-time high. There was no form of meditation or prayer calming me that’s for sure but again, trudge through, rain and all. I did want to go to the Mall and the Pretzel Palace where they make fresh soft pretzels. The day before we went there and met up with my son and he said he'd like to do that again on chemo day if I didn’t mind. Mind? Hubby, son and a soft pretzel equal heaven to me! And an FYI, NO, I'm not supposed to be eating it but at least I passed on the melted cheddar cheese that you could get with the pretzel. It was definitely comforting food for me in a hard time.

This was also the day the flood waters began to show signs of keeping us from getting out of the house. Hubby had been having troubles with his truck and hadn’t driven it much this winter and there was no way our already previously flooded out driveway would allow our car through. The water was rising, the substation across the road was covered, surrounded by water as I’d never seen. I was ready to cancel.

Hubby, determined to get me the doctor on Chemo Day, tried his truck, it started right up. He revved and revved, turned it off and on a couple of times and he was good to go! I wasn’t ready but he and the truck were.

As we swerved around the bend to slosh our way to the entry of our driveway, we saw what we were in for. The water around the substation was now crossing the road. The truck stalled, rev it up, stall. “Let’s go back,” I said anxiously. But instead, the next rev of the engine had us swerving on our way, up the muddy dirt road, where the ditches were almost level with the road beside them. On we went.

I had texted my son that we were on our way and would meet him at the mall at the Pretzel Palace. A relaxing visit that eased my anxiety and found me not in tears heading off to the Chemo that I was still against but trudged on anyway.

Arriving at the set time, slumped over and sad, I could feel my smile was a frown. I was not happy to be there and the thoughts of being a small child being led into a gas chamber weighed heavy on my mind. The weigh-in was grim. The hellos were stilted and the waiting for someone to come in and tell me what was next was like waiting for a dentist to yank out a wisdom tooth! I was so glad to have my husband by my side, but I could see that he too was tormented with confusion and uncertainty.

After a forty minute wait, the twenty-minute idle chit chat of the PA sent me off to ‘pick out a chair’ and they’ll set you right up. The room with the chairs was like looking at coffins to pick out. All looked like nice comfy recliners with chairs beside them for guests, but the recliners themselves looked like a deathbed. I feared that room from my very first day of diagnosis and now here I was, a victim to be sat in ‘the chair’.

As I, with a head of thinning hair sat and looked around, there was elderly bald folk hooked up by a port to get their poison. A thin young bald guy awaited his blood to be drawn and another lady waited for a shot in the stomach. Oh, the torture. I was about to cry when my doctor appeared saying he had a cold so he wouldn’t be shaking my hand today and asked if I was okay and had any questions. I had hundreds but shook my head no, tears now brimming my eyes. More idle chit chat that I didn’t hear and the nurse appeared with a needle. “You don’t have a port?” She asked quite shockingly like why are you here?
I told her no and she proceeded to stick a needle in my ‘bony arm’ and the juice flowed. For ninety minutes, with my back already in pain, I would sit as the poison flowed into my veins. I was now a victim of chemo. Outside the window, the sun briefly shone. Days on end of clouds and rain and here I was on my deathbed and the sky opened up and let the sun out to dance for a while.

After the ninety minutes were up, the nurse came back to flush something in my arm and I’d be there another ten minutes. This was almost a three-hour visit! I was hooked up to a blood pressure machine also, as this form of chemo affected the heart and they wanted to monitor me. I watched my blood pressure go from 115 to well over 140 by the time I left.

I rose to leave. Weakened, I almost dropped. My back in utter pain. Walker in hand, I made a beeline for the door, with my husband in hot pursuit. Walking past the front desk smiley receptionist says, “Is that all for today?” I wanted to tell her to go… nevermind… “I’m fine, thanks.” And walked out the door to be met by dark clouds, a chilled swift breeze and a mist starting to fall from the sky. The sun had run away too!

The chills, the pain, the anxiety, the sadness, the fear, the glazed watery eyes, the mud-puddles pretending to be roads all made their presence known. I will wallow in self-pity and figure out what I do now. Where does one go from here? 

TO BE CONTINUED…

There will be the REST of this story.
Please, no harsh criticism.

Pss. 18:4-5 The sorrows of death compassed me, and the floods of ungodly men made me afraid. The sorrows of hell compassed me about: the snares of death prevented me.

OPTIMISM: A New Day

Pss. 34:4 I sought the LORD, and he heard me, and delivered me from all my fears.

Optimism: A New Day

For the past two and a half weeks I’ve been walking around in a veiled fog. My brain couldn’t wrap itself around the simplest of things. I knew without the Oral Chemo I would start to fail. I don’t know why the nurse assumed, two weeks ago, I would jump right into the chemo Herceptin, she knows me and has been working with me for seven months but she went ahead and stopped all further shipments of my meds and didn’t, it sounds to me, get the doctors okay. He wanted me back on what I had left here at home, pronto! And as soon as I started taking it again, my body, muscles, and brain all connected, finally.

I was angry and bitter at just about anyone I came in contact with. I put up a good front (or not) but I muddled through each and every day. If you’ve been reading my blog over the years, you know I am an optimist at heart. I take everything to the Lord and listen ONLY to Him. Not my husband, son, doctors or family can tell me anything, I listen to God and wait for what He has to say ALL of the time.

This instance was no different as I told you last week. I prayed, I heard, and I listened. I also told you I didn’t like the answer I got and for that, I became bitter and disgruntled and in all honesty, ready to pick out my urn! Just an FYI: I want the cover of Dark Side of the Moon on it. Inscription will say: "I'll see you on the dark side of the moon."

Pss. 34:6 "This poor man cried, and the LORD heard him and saved him out of all his troubles."

God wants me to go the Herceptin route and for the life of me, I cannot conceive why. Why would He do this to me? Why can’t I just be healed like everyone imagines how healing is done? You don’t have to answer that I already know the answer. GOD DOES NOT WORK THAT WAY! 

With all of the healthy eating and supplementation, my body was being prepared to handle what the damaging poison would do to my system. It’s a fact that chemo destroys, it’s a fact that we have the power within ourselves to heal so we need to step up and take action to see healing through. I worked hard to build up my immunity and it may just be time to see if it is strong enough for the poison while the poison attacks the C cells. A science project in motion, if you will.

My body was ready for the Oral Chemo. After sifting through the lies that the doctor told, I had no idea the Oral Chemo was a short term route. I was led to believe ‘that I would see ANOTHER Christmas’. Well, if I don’t go the Herceptin route, I might not see another Christmas!

I have said over and over and over again, this illness is not like a cold. You eat some soup, take some vitamin c and you’re all better. There is no clear indication that just changing your diet to an organic plant-based and taking supplements is the secret to healing the Big C! I’ve NEVER EVER said that or misled anyone to believe that. I made it perfectly clear that there is an entire chasm of healing tools and chemo is NOT the only way to go either! And also, cancer is NOT the death sentence that doctors would like you to believe it is, it’s an enemy of your system, but it is YOUR system, your body, your healing, no one else can heal you but God and you!

The women I see healing alternatively have money, the choice of fine doctors at their fingertips, chiropractors, have been to the clinic in Mexico, have access to the UV saunas, have within their reach the ability to afford all the crazy organic Plant Based food, and many live in states where Medicinal Cannabis is legal. They have family supporting them and maybe they’ve never had a life of trauma. Yes, I know, we’ve all had hard lives but again TRAUMA is different than losing a dog when you were a kid or being whooped because you were bad. TRAUMA is stress that needs tender loving care to get through and it doesn’t happen in a meditation session, or on a psychologists sofa, or with drugs! There are elements to healing this disease that the poor impoverished person has a much deeper struggle to contend with.

So with that, yesterday I woke with an answer. Optimism! I’ve had a gung-ho attitude through all of this but in recent weeks my pep pooped out! Today, my poop got pepped! Ewww. Wait. Today my perk got prepped! Yeah, that sounds better. God said to me if I go into chemo thinking it’s going to destroy and kill me, by all means, it will. If I go in with the optimism that this is just another supplement (albeit a poisonous one) needed in my healing then we’ll find success, then so be it! We’ll find healing! 

God is not a God of fear tactics and scare traits. He wants me to see this as a love potion to add to all of my other healthy eating, exercising, and supplementation. This is just an odd leg of the journey that I did not want to accept. You heard me right, I didn’t like what God wanted me to do! After asking for forgiveness in my doubting Him and asking Him to hold my hand and lead the way, He shouted, OPTIMISM! We’ll walk with optimism so I can see a new day every day and see many more Christmas’! 

I don’t have to do what the doctor says, I’m in the passenger seat of this vehicle and God is my Almighty Driver! The doctors fear tactics have me on this Herceptin for years, ten to twenty. Look, people, I’m not a prisoner doing ten to twenty years for something I didn’t do. I am going to show the world that this disease can be licked, all wounds healed and scars tended to. Years down the line, the scars will be minimal with caressing, rubbing, touching, acknowledging and coming face to face with what brought them to me. 

My mantra will continue - I am HEALED, I am Healthy and I am WELL! 

All praise and Glory to my God! 

Pss. 34:1 "I will bless the LORD at all times: his praise shall continually be in my mouth."

The Bombardment: Doubt and Fear

Baltimore, Maryland - Fort McHenry

The Star Spangled Banner was written out there

Pss. 57:6 “They have prepared a net for my steps; my soul is bowed down: they have digged a pit before me, into the midst whereof they are fallen themselves. Selah.”

This week and last week I’ve been hit with a bombardment of emotions. I’d wake in the morning to tears, look out the window and all I saw was a dense fog, so deep there was no seeing a light, a blade of dead grass or even a winterized tree, just deep snow packed lawn, fields and a mist.

It all began as a flurry of uncertainty the minute I accepted chemo as a way to heal this crud. If you all have been with me throughout this ordeal you’ll know I’m dead set against chemo (no pun intended) as this being any form of healing. I see chemo as a death sentence and I can’t get past this unnerving grating feeling deep inside me.

At the beginning of this trial, the only family member I told was my niece. She was the only one I trusted to care. My hubby told his family also. I had expected care and compassion to crawl out of the woodwork but say the words ‘alternative’ to a conservative nation, you’re going to be met with a bombardment of questions and doubts and a sort of wall to be built that you’re not allowed over. All negativity I tried to avoid came creeping in, in unexpected ways! 

Here I am two years into this affliction and I’ve grown and have learned so much! My diet was never bad, I’ve been 125 -135 pounds since I was in my twenties. I didn’t keep that weight because I pigged out on all the wrong foods with no exercise. No, I pretty much cared for my health until about five years ago when living in a carnivorous world finally caught up to me. All the meat and potatoes could not be excreted quick enough with exercise, that’s for sure! But two years ago, with this diagnosis, I dove into research on natural treatments and possible cures for one of the deadliest diseases that in over one-hundred years has found no CURE! 

I found that a plant-based diet and supplementation could be the secret to healing and in two years, I’ve witnessed the success of MANY women going this route. No surgery, no chemo, no drugs, just the fruits of the earth to replenish their damaged body. I tried that route and was succeeding until last year when my world came crashing down. I realized I needed more than the food and supplements to get through this and it was the only reason I tried Oral Chemo.

What I was not expecting is finding a doctor I liked (finally) and being met with lies and fear tactics. The first doozy came in the way of telling me I should focus on the tumor/lesion on my brain. “OOPS, I must’ve been reading the wrong file, sorry.” There was no tumor, that was just a fear tactic to get me to jump into chemotherapy! Then there were the months he told me my markers were going down when in FACT they were rising! 

Assuming once again I’d jump into chemo, “Stop taking your meds, they’re not working!” 

I stopped taking my meds, I didn’t jump into chemo, then the disease started gnawing at my bones! I could FEEL it, chomping and weakening me. Doc says, “Now start taking your meds again until we get in here and get the poison in your veins to fight the battle.” 

All of the hard work I did at building up my strength in physical therapy was dwindling. I at one time was the champ of the place, meeting and exceeding my goals but just yesterday I came home and could hardly bend my knee. I climbed into bed and wrapped ice packs at different parts of my leg.

Last week I hit rock bottom. Feeling isolated and alone. Everyone seemingly has abandoned me except for my husband, son, my Physical Therapists and my loving Spiritual Online family. They are my anchors in getting me through this. Whether it’s through faith, religion, or just a positive presence, these people are the ones I’ll credit with any healing that takes place!  

I’ll be the first to admit, in all honesty, I even felt like God bailed on me. I’m just dangling on the end of this thread and it’s about to snap but luckily I’m grotesquely underweight that even a thread can hold me. Doubt and fear knocked on my door and like a fool, I let it walk right on in. 

I fear the chemo won’t work. I doubt that it is the cure all I seek. The doctor tells me of a lady who has been on Herceptin for TWENTY YEARS, and she’s still alive. And I’m supposed to find hope in that? I don’t! I will not be on this poison for one year let alone ten or twenty. That’s ridiculous! I’m concerned that the chemo, as I’ve read in all of my research, will destroy my immune system. For two years I have worked to build up my immune system! As I watch friends get sick month after month with a cold, flu, and any other illness, I’ve been the picture of health except for this one debilitating illness. I actually care about living and work my tail off to secure my strong immunity, now is chemo going to come in and destroy all I worked to build up? Am I going to lose MORE weight? How much can this tiny frail body take?

Again, feeling abandoned, I prayed. In the wee hours of the morning, for hours, I prayed. I woke to this message:

Prov. 13:12 (ESV) “Hope deferred makes the heart sick, but a desire fulfilled is a tree of life.” 

That is exactly what happened with all the talk about chemo. It brought in negativity that I didn’t know how to deal with. I’ve shunned negativity for so long when it beats me over the head, I think it’s personal and wants to fight. I think that’s the city girl in me, always ready to battle. Chemo knocked all my hope out the door. 

So what is my desire? To live! I don’t want to live until I’m ninety, but a good seventy-five - eighty would be nice. There’s my hope, right there! 

The realization of HAVING to go the chemo route is this. My diet and exercise can only save so much of me. I live within one-hundred yards of a substation, an element that cannot be removed from this healing equation. Move? Not an option, it’s Nebraska, substations are a part of life. Money would help too, then I could move. Then there are crop dusters, dropping poison on the crops to save the crop from bugs while damaging humans in the process. Such is life, I’m surrounded by fields and fields of crop dusters. I also have dealt with black mold for the ten years here. Then there is the chronic illness I’ve had all of my life and that is psoriasis. Sure supplementation has put it to sleep over the years but I do deal with flare-ups on occasion. 

I’ve been back on my plant-based diet for about three weeks now. I will continue exercising as long as my broken body and weakened limbs allow. I'll continue to meditate and pray. I’ll waltz down the organic route, the non-chemical use of body lotions and sprays, shampoos and soaps. I’ll pursue doing my part of the healing, God will do His part in protecting me, and my family will continue doing what they do, live in a toxic world right along with me.

I will wake every day and see hope in the hopeless. I will pound through these doubts and fears. Next week will come and instead of tears, I will hold hope instead of kleenex. A smile in place of a frown. Joy instead of sorrow.  I heard yesterday someone say that the simplest form of bravery is choosing to wake and take a step. How true is that?

May God bless you all in the steps that you choose to take.

A Dove Tale

In Texas, my dove visits

Josh. 1:9 "Have not I commanded thee? Be strong and of a good courage; be not afraid, neither be thou dismayed: for the Lord thy God is with thee whithersoever thou goest."

A Dove Tale

I know my friends think I’m crazy, that’s a given. I’m always ranting and babbling about holistic and alternative treatment as if it is the Holy Bible of the medical world. I sure hope I never gave that impression. The first impression I like to leave you with is for you to go to God in prayer and see what He has to say about your situation. He DOES listen! He WILL answer!

Now the second thing I’d like to leave you with is timing and patience. We all go to prayer with wants and needs, OUR wants and needs. While God is all about our wants and needs too, with Him, it is all about in HIS time and not ours. Meaning sometimes we’re not going to like the answer we receive, or when we receive the answer.

When I was first diagnosed I went to Him first and listened to Him. Now you’re probably saying, “And He told you what you wanted to hear, right?” Well shockingly enough, yes and no. I had no intention of doing port chemo and when God gave me an option, alternative treatment, I listened but went for a second opinion from a doctor. It was obvious no doctor was going to hear me like God, or pay my thoughts and opinion one piece of mind. Nope, they were all about drugs and money, point blank! 

So, on I went for a year and a half listening, praying, loving, learning and healing. During this time I really tuned to the animal and plant kingdom. Whether it was my dog (who was still alive at the time), the stray dog who is still here four years after wandering onto my property, or the birds and squirrels. They are all a part of God’s kingdom and the kingdom I live in most of the time. Man has let me down on major levels throughout my life, so I have to have someone, some THING to turn to, I trust the animals. The squirrels, the Cardinals, the Doves, the Owls, the deer, the wandering wild turkey, and the Falcons; the signs, the wonders. There are more things I look for, if you can imagine, from God himself. I listen, good or bad, I have to listen, this is who I am, this is who God shaped me to be. He didn’t fashion me out of false clothing that I put on every day to prance around and show you, no I received the straight up Value Village clothing to walk around in and proudly display because this is who God created in ME!

I was recently hit with oncologist lies. I don’t know what to do with that. This is my third oncologist (I don’t have a variety out here in the middle of nowhere) so I go where God leads me. This doctor is doing an okay job, but he likes the fear tactics and scaring me and in my weakened state, I fall prey to what he offers. I’m alone and abandoned out here, I only have my husband, son, and my God. Yeah, that’s a lot to me! Besides my Spiritual Family, everyone else is just voyeurs along for the ride. 

1 Peter 5:8 “Be alert and of sober mind. Your enemy the devil prowls around like a roaring lion looking for someone to devour.”

The Big C is nothing to mess with. I know in the deepest depths of my soul that this can be beaten on an alternative level but funds are needed for that route, funds I will never hold in my hand for say Vit. C therapy, Cannabis, UV therapy, a chiropractor even and so many more treatments but out of my reach. So I have to go with what I’m offered, cannot afford, but is covered.

The doctor wrongly assumed that by scaring me back into his office a week after my visit that he’d devour me with fear and I’d jump into Chemotherapy, the port chemo that he’s been pushing all along.  He hurried me in to tell me my markers had gone up, and unknown to me, had been going up all along, he LIED! He lied when he told me they were going down, they went down once, in Oct., then went up in Dec. Jan. Feb.! And here I was two visits in February. Of course I’m going to be scared. I trusted him! 

He didn’t know that his Navigator nurse had already canceled my oral chemo from being delivered. She had called the day of my blood test and told me to stop taking the toxic drugs and that is what I did, the doc was not prepared for me to say NO to port chemo. He wasn’t prepared for me to ask what the rush was and why couldn’t it have waited until my next scheduled visit. He mumbled and babbled but I was not ready to completely give up, just meet him on MY terms, not his. I agreed to the intravenous chemo drug Herceptin. Toxic and debilitating and I knew I’d need prayer and guidance on this one. Lord, don’t fail me now. This to me is not a courageous route. They won.

I agreed only if, by my next scheduled visit, my markers were still rising. I told him I’d wait around for the results and not wait to get home to be scared. I’m also going to ask for a printout of the graph that visually shows me my red, white and C cell counts. He didn’t know the nurse had one printed for me obviously because again he lied and said my red and white cell counts were rising also. I hold the graph in my hand and it shows no such thing. My red and white cells were still dropping. So we’ll wait and see. Do I go on or do I TRY and find another doctor. I can’t keep toying with my health! I run out of choices.

Prayer upon prayer, tear upon endless tear, decisions to be made, give up, give in or trudge on. My doctor also assumed I meant that I’d sign on for this drug and it would be in my arm like the next day. I said, no, I want another blood test before my hookup and he said he needed to schedule a test to check and see if my heart can handle this toxic drug they’re going to pump into my veins. I told him I work on my husbands' work schedule, not anyone else’s. We NEED food to eat and he NEEDS to work, I have to finish up my Physical Therapy and I’d see the good old liar in three weeks.

In these weeks I’ve prayed. I had to weigh the pros and cons. I shared with my husband and son and listened to their opinion, I prayed, because I already knew what ‘I’ wanted but I’d listen for God…..

I woke on a cold brisk morning, my feeder aflutter with my usual winter birds. For a week or two, a female cardinal had been hanging out with the sparrows and I asked her, “Where is Red? You get him back here!” Red is the male cardinal who only makes special appearances since he was chased away by the Blue Jay family. I needed to see him, I needed my ‘other’ family and that is the ones of the animal kingdom. 

On this morning he was hard to miss, his rich red color against the white snow as he scurried around for some stray seed. It’s funny when they seem to stop and look right at you, and slant their little heads, then go on about their business, but sure enough, Red made his appearance this day, no sign of Bell his lady friend.

In the following days as I waited to discern answers to my prayers, I enjoyed the bunnies at the feeder in the morning before the sunrise. Four bunnies, all of which I thought had moved on because I hadn’t seen them all winter. Tracks in the snow told me they were around but I never saw them until this morning when I turned on the outside light to see if it had snowed. To my surprise, there was snow AND bunnies! As the sun came slowly cresting over the horizon on this rare event of a day, (we never see the sun these frigid, gloomy days of winter) my birds along with the squirrels all started making their appearance.

This day was different, I could feel it but couldn’t put my finger on it. Then it happened, a dove came fluttering down with his mate, then another and another. They always come in pairs but recently the six-pack was only five. I don’t know what happened to the sixth dove. These were just your every day Morning Doves. Then the fifth dove appeared and I said good morning to them all. I know my husband thinks I’m crazy but hey, it’s all I have these days! Wait, what is that, a sixth dove, a WHITE dove! WHITE! Tears were brimming my eyes and I couldn’t say nothing for fear of scaring him away but I whispered, “A white dove! Honey, a white dove!” I was full fledge crying now, in all my years here I’ve NEVER seen a white dove! 

My husband jumped out of his chair and slowly went to the kitchen window after peeking out my window and seeing what I saw, a white dove! Through tears I asked him, “Please tell me you see him. Please tell me I’m not crazy.” 

“He’s there! I see him too!” 

A sigh of relief. I’m not letting God or my family down if I go this toxic route. Let me tell you in all honesty, I wanted God to tell me no, don’t do it! That would’ve been MY answer, but I have to listen. I could spin it and say God doesn’t want me to go this chemo route and twist His answer to meet my needs but that would be dishonest, that would make me as small and little as my doctor.

I was told to give it a try, if it has bad side effects that my body can’t handle, then stop, no matter what doctor liar says. This is my body, my temple for the Lord and I will only do what He leads me to do. If at the last minute my markers miraculously go down instead of up, I pull out of this chemo crud. I just feel there are too many obstacles that can’t be beaten with diet and supplementation alone.

Back to Square One… the will to survive.

P.S. In the following days, no Red,

only one dove, and the normal

sparrows and squirrels attend

the feeder. Just so you know.

This little fella visited me last year

Silent No More

Pss. 35:22 “This thou hast seen, O LORD: keep not silence: O Lord, be not far from me.”

Silent No More

As I scan the news feeds I see an awakening of people pointing fingers. Abuse has been going on for centuries if not the millennium. No one would like to admit it but even in the bible, there is rape and the mistreatment of women and men on a sexually promiscuous stage.

From my experience, when you come forward to tell of your story, you’re shot down. I think that is why the women you see today coming forward with sexual abuse cases are banding together because as one is shot down, forty and fifty might be heard.

We live in a world where if one person disagrees with another, the first thing they do is retaliate by belittling and silencing the other voice so that their voice is heard above all others.

I’ve never been the silent type as many will read, laugh and understand what I’m saying. I’ve been pretty vocal about my abuse as a child and I hope in years to come when people want to look into my window and actually learn who I am (of course after I pass because many could care less about my story as I live) they’ll dig through these pages and discover me and my voice.

If you ever wonder where I get my strength in fighting a disease like cancer that has killed millions of people, look at my history, read my story. I’ve been sexually assaulted, I’ve been ridiculed, bullied and battered and this disease is just another form of attack that I won’t be silenced, scared of and led quietly into the night away from.

Job 31:34 “Did I fear a great multitude, or did the contempt of families terrify me, that I kept silence, and went not out of the door.”

Just as everyone else who stands their ground for what they believe in will get shot down, I am no different. We live in a world of people who are led around by a nose ring. If it is in a book, it must be the truth. If a person has a diploma, their words have to be true, if the story is on the web, a ring of truth has to be in there, right, wrong! The people are not going to listen to me because I’m that still small, uneducated voice that is heard but not believed. I don’t dig enough into the scientific detail. I don’t listen to the mainstream; I listen to the voice in the back of the room trying to be heard and always being silenced.

This MUST READ link isn’t from a politically trusted news source, this story more than likely isn’t scientifically right, you should know what is right from left, I mean wrong, and to be honest, I don’t. I can’t tell a fake news story from a real one, I don’t trust anyone these days and sometimes that even means my friends. I just don’t trust very easily anymore.

I’ve always been shot down and put on the defensive and it puts me in the corner of the closet and I don’t want to be heard anymore, I just want to pull the door closed and go quietly into the night, abandoned and alone. But AFTER I pass, will everyone be intrigued with what I was saying all along? Will they then do their own homework and seek out the truth or will they close the book on this page in history?

Job 4:17 “Shall mortal man be more just than God? shall a man be more pure than his maker?”

Let me just say, as many of you already know, I don’t trust the medical community. Doctors have let me down from the time I was sixteen and the uncaring doctor documented the words “She shows no feeling toward the death of her child,” (yeah, that is on record!) to the doctor who said recently, “She is not committing.” Doctors are all about drugs and the pharmaceutical industry they support and how to dismiss the uneducated little people and force them into submitting to the drugs they offer; drugs that have more damaging side effects than any healing properties. They are legal drug dealers in my eyes and nothing more! THAT is what they are trained for and paid a mighty dollar for too. The medical community is a big pool of vapid swimmers trying to pull you into their diseased cesspool. It is documented fact, but I’ll send you to an unrespected news source over and over so you can read for yourself the FACTS.

I don’t care how loud you are in dismissing me, I won’t hear. I don’t give a hoot how many medical journals you try to point me to, to prove me wrong, I won’t care. A voice doesn’t dare sway me just like my voice won’t sway you. We’re on opposite ends of the spectrum. While the world is out there following along like cows to slaughter, I’m a voice silenced by ignorance. I’m okay with that because I am led by only One voice, One Master, One God. All of your documentation is babble to me the very towers of Babylon that stood because of people like you and fell because of your kind. I know, that’s a politically unacceptable term, but I know nothing of politics either except that it will lead the human population to their destruction.


From this repeated link: "Honestly, we're at a point where the horses are out of the barn after the gate has closed," said Dan Werb, an expert at the University of California, San Diego. "I'm not optimistic about the capacity of our classic approaches to rein this [the drug addiction DOCTORS CAUSED] in."

As for me, I get to choose who I bow down to and it isn’t false idols, false gods or religion. I get to decide where I will go when my time ends. Keep in mind this uneducated woman’s words, MY God is not a religion! Never has been and never will be, no matter how loud you get thumping out man-made texts. I will remain alone but never silenced.

Pss. 31:18 “Let the lying lips be put to silence; which speak grievous things proudly and contemptuously against the righteous.”

The Earth

Gen. 1:10 “And God called the dry land Earth; and the gathering together of the waters called he Seas: and God saw that it was good.”

The Earth 

Agriculture and its destruction. 

We live in a toxic world. The earth itself has cancer as you look around and see things wilting over, they are not playing dead, they ARE dead. Trees are succumbing, sea life is dying, the air is stagnated and that doesn’t leave the earth much to live on to flourish. I live in a state that thrives on everything farming. Agriculture is their specialty and with the link above about the agriculture basically helping to kill off the land and slowly the people, as you can imagine posting any such thing as that link is met with angry faces.

I have lived here in Nebraska for eight years now and have always enjoyed watching the crop dusters fly overhead after spraying a field. I never gave a second thought to the toxins they were putting on the field and the air that I breathed in daily as the surrounding farms all placed pesticides and other chemicals on the farmland to make their crops successful. And to think all of those chemicals are running right into the water I drink. (or used to drink)

I saw the beauty in everything until this year when met with a deadly diagnosis that opened my eyes to every single thing surrounding me from water, food, and of course the toxic land. The first year here I adored the amount of Crane that blackened the skies to come here as the stopover before they further migrated. The numbers were staggering in the beginning but with each passing year, they’ve dwindled by an impressive number. 

Granted I still seek out the beauty in everything, I now see the farmers out to make a buck at any cost. That is what the world has come to, everyone out to make the almighty dollar never thinking of the repercussions as their blindness grows and the world becomes darker and darker.

I have families here that think GMO’s are not harmful, that forty vaccinations for a small child are not the reason we have an epidemic of autism, ADHD, and other disorders. The people who claim otherwise are all wacky as the government stands firmly behind a toxic world and gives false statistics to keep the farming industry happy.

I lived thirty-seven years in a toxic city, a city that was industrialized. Factories where the breathing smoke stacks filled the air with toxins that were being released to unsuspecting humans. My dad worked at the Bethlehem Steel shipbuilding plant and later acquired mesothelioma from the toxins he breathed in for twenty years at a close range. Although in the beginning he was told no harm would come to him.

I then lived in Dallas, Texas for six years and that place wasn’t as industrialized as Baltimore, it was more commercialized. But this was my first taste of how agriculture worked as the ‘Cowboy’ ranchers raised cattle to slaughter for your eating. Living in the city, the food was already processed so I never really gave a care about where it came from.
Another thing I didn’t know is how the cows were injected with growth hormones and who knows what other stuff they were injected with. Steroids and other toxic ingredients come to mind. These toxins go into the living animal, then the animal gets slaughtered and the meat gets injected once more with chemicals to keep the food fresh on the shelves. The food is wrapped in plastic and more chemicals are surrounding the food to again, keep it fresh on the shelf. 

Here is a link, it is broad and not a specific link because there are political aficionados that will point out ‘That’s not a trusted site’, so I give you a broad range for your search of how millions and millions of dollars of food is wasted as we still have homeless people and a starving nation.

The disease cancer is just like the food industry when you think about it; millions of people are being led to slaughter via chemotherapy. Like cattle, we’re being herded into the gates of oncologists across the nation and any real cure that surfaces from homeopaths and naturopaths is thrown in the trash, or better yet, voices speaking out are killed.

To be fair, I will hand you a link from the blind. Please know, I am not of the gullible blind who read this ‘scientific’ meaning government approved, mumbo jumbo! But please, be fair and read the comments also!

In the above link, THIS is exactly the fear-mongering and disagreement I’m being met with.

Words from the link. “If you swallow snake venom, you'll be fine. But, if you get bit by a snake - you're dead. And, the fact that naturopaths can't understand the difference between these two means that they are not qualified to put a band aid on someone, let alone treat people for the disease.”

But being a governmental force is allowed to put toxic chemicals in my body? In the air? In the water? Approves of toxins in the food we eat? And *I’M* the one in the wrong? I’m also Christian, is the government going to allow me to worship my God? I shutter to think of the future we are headed into.

When people by the millions turn a blind eye to something ie: agriculture, medical practices, ingested toxins, etcetera, we all become sheep being led through the gates to slaughter in record numbers.

There ARE people out there fighting back and you can see it in the force of organic food being placed on the shelves. Someone, many someones, have seen the destruction caused by man and sees the opportunity to heal a nation. Instead of being angry farmers of all that has gone wrong in the toxic dollar, why not make it right to the human race just trying to survive?

Humans are a very gullible species. If it looks good to the eye we buy into what we’re being sold. If it is cheap we grab it for the price. If a doctor tells us we need a drug to stay alive, we believe everything he says, if the government tells you that genetically modified food is not harmful, you agree. Tell it to the billions who have succumbed to a deadly disease or the millions still fighting a deadly disease. Tell THEM that there is nothing wrong with the earth, the waters, its plants and animals, the human race. 

Some people actually woke up! Some are more aware and need to tell others of another route to go by. Some people need to tell you the TRUTH in a field of lies. Those people are not your government. The earth doesn’t lie! It’s speaking directly to you in the wind, the air, the rain, the oceans, fields, streams and forests’, if only you’d wake up and listen. 

Luke 15:14 “And when he had spent all, there arose a mighty famine in that land; and he began to be in want.”

The Path To Healing

Prov. 3:5-6 “Trust in the LORD with all thine heart; and lean not unto thine own understanding. In all thy ways acknowledge him, and he shall direct thy paths.”

The Path to Healing

I myself am on the path to healing. My body is reacting to all the good I’m doing for it and yes, I’m sacrificing my (once thought of) sinful pleasures in life, mainly sugar, processed food, high carb intake, toxic GMO meat and dairy intake.

The willpower it takes to go Cold Turkey is basically almost impossible but I’m of the school, ‘With God, NOTHING is impossible’! Forward I go as I tackle full steam ahead the ‘illness of a lifetime’.

So many people are misled, they are all too willing to believe chicken little knew what he was shouting out from the rooftops that the sky was falling. This is how people see the world, they put so much faith and belief in lies that when the truth slaps them in the face, (the sky can NEVER fall), they become defensive in their fight to be right.

I myself am wrong more than I am right, obviously. I am NOT a doctor, nor claim to be one in this box you come to for a daily fix, I am LEARNING as I go along and if it works for me, yay me! If it doesn’t work for you, I’m not responsible, dig deeper to see what DOES work for you. I will not resort to name-calling as that is a juvenile behavior adults carry with them from childhood and never learn to let go and let God. I pray for them. I pray for a nation, a world that always buys what they are sold, and at a bargain price no less, namely putting a price tag on their life.

You might ask if I’ve given up all of the above listed foods, what is left to eat? First and foremost GOD is my guide before anything this here computer can offer me. That’s right, the Bible tells me what to eat, what is good for me and what WILL HEAL ME! Yes, the Bible says to eat meat but it was not talking about twenty-first century GMO laden chemical meat.

Some days it gets so hard for me, I cry, I bawl my eyes out. My face planted in my palms I admit defeat. I admit that it’s hard to go on every single day watching the world go by frivolously and me out here trying to live and people not understanding the lengths one has to go through to rid themselves of toxins in the world. Whether it’s toxic people, (including doctors), toxic food, or a toxic environment, it’s a struggle. Like feet in quicksand and me, trying to run, and there is no way to accomplish the feat. 

Imagine what life in a straightjacket must feel like. Knowing the key to unlocking the system is right there but you fight and struggle to free yourself and people walk by poking you, tormenting you as you wriggle and squirm. This is the suffocating life of a person fighting for their life, every single day!

What do I do? I breathe, slowly and deeply – I eat, I drink the well waters of Christ, I touch – the very thread of His garment, I’m filled. I meditate on Him, His Word. I grasp all that I’m shown. It may not be for you to see, we all have different walks, different paths. I can only share what is working for ME!

Pss. 1:2 “But his delight is in the law of the LORD; and in his law doth he meditate day and night.”

What I eat? The greens of the earth from organic broccoli and lettuce, to cabbage, cauliflower and a host of other vegetables found in the produce section of the food store. Fruits, the natural sugars that God placed on this earth to sustain our need, our want for this sInsational taste bud arousal. (Yes grammar Nazi’s, I meant SINsational!) Fruit, so good it should be a sin to send this delectable treat into your body but instead it is nutrition. Nutrition, something you won’t find in the processed food section of the store.

If I can’t afford to buy organic fruits and vegetables, I go to a better grocery store where they actually take the time to bring you the BEST fruits and vegetables possible, remember their name is being held up to scrutiny so they do their very best for you, the consumer! My husband just so happens to work in a high-end grocery story out here. Our basics are bought at the WalMart supercenter but when this illness hit me, it’s his place of work where we found an incredible difference in our fruits and vegetables. The organic section isn’t closet sized like Walmarts, no, there is a HUGE section of organic fruits and veggies at hubby’s place of work, HyVee! More on that at another time. 

After a day of tear shedding for me yesterday, my husband who is trying so hard to be supportive in what has evidently turned our mundane routine lives upside down, picked out a movie to watch. Inside Out was his choice. We’ve seen it numerous times and I knew what message he wanted to get to me. Behind every tear is JOY! Every moment of sadness is followed by a moment of relief when you see the JOY standing there. I need to feel the sadness, experience the loss, of food, toxins, bitter friends and toxic people; I need to grieve if I’m ever to find a complete JOYFUL HEALING! 

The only place I find MY healing, is God and ALL that He has given us and shown us to be the truth! All praise and glory to God!

1 Tim. 4:15 “Meditate upon these things; give thyself wholly to them; that thy profiting may appear to all.”

Let Go And Let God: Willpower

Matt. 4:23 “And Jesus went about all Galilee, teaching in their synagogues, and preaching the gospel of the kingdom, and healing all manner of sickness and all manner of disease among the people.”

Let go and let God: My Willpower

Okay, I realize now I’m the strong one. What would knock someone out completely has me falling apart for a day, maybe, then jumping back up and coming out swinging! Do you remember those weighted punching bags you’d hit over and over and they’d bounce right back in your face? Yup, that’s me!

I have to attribute my strength to God because He is all I’ve known all of my life. He gives me strength to go on in life day after day when a lot of people would rather just give up. I can’t give up, I have a purpose! (No, Naven jokes please.)

I see so many people struggling and only wish I could reach out and help but right now I am so focused on my healing I feel reaching out and giving my ‘Let go and let God sermon’ might be hurtful to a non-believer or a person who just doesn’t want to hear those words. He is all I know, so if you come to me for advice, if you look to me for inspiration, all that you will see is my sermon in action, I let go and let God be the driver every single minute! 

I didn’t give him much credit in driving my willpower vehicle. I didn’t even think I had any. I had hit a brick wall and I was repairing my banged up vehicle when the diagnosis of a lifetime came tapping on my door. I realized right then and there that God pushed me out of the driver seat (because after all, I did bang up my vehicle pretty bad) and He was willing to repair the damage I caused, as always.

What happened the day after my diagnosis is this, I saw a thread on grandma’s afghan. With curiosity in my fingertips, eyebrows raised, I pulled the string to see just where this path was going to lead me. Wouldn’t you know, in two months time the afghan is almost completely unraveled as I am on a warpath of HEALING! 

My first step was taking the afghan and wrapping it around me for warmth. I prayed. I normally pray for everyone else but the next few days my prayer vigil was consumed with me. I prayed for me; for insight, for strength, knowledge, healing and a host of other things. Don’t get me wrong, I put aside time to pray for others in the day but honestly, my prayer was for me the majority of the time.

I was living my sermon, let go and let God. I released everything in a weeks time when I had to visit onc. #1. Sure, she knocked me down like the punching bag but prayer, friends, and love had me rebounding! 

I knew there were things I’d have to do to see this healing through. A drastic change would have to take place and I’d have to pull every bit of strength from the very fiber of my being to tackle this; willpower! Let go and let God!

Healing takes more than taking supplements and I knew this. I’ve learned how other people were healing and what they did, my prayers were being answered daily as I was led to one healing place or another and my willpower kicked into high gear as I put my sermon into action. God was in the driver seat and I was trusting Him as each thread of the afghan was coming unraveled. 

I was being led to Dr. Mercola, Ty Bollinger (The Truth About Cancer), and Chris Wark (Chrisbeatcancer) among other sites that I’d use in my fight against the Nazi oncology invasion! I say Nazi Oncology not loosely, I use it factually. 
From google: “When did chemotherapy start?
The era of cancer chemotherapy began in the 1940s with the first use of nitrogen mustards and folic acid antagonist drugs. Cancer drug development has exploded since then into a multibillion-dollar industry.”

Did you read that, a multi-billion dollar industry? Did you know we basically funded the annihilation of millions of people in Germany? It’s amazing what a little research will find. 

What do the Nuremberg Trials have to do with doctors and Bayer pharmaceuticals? CLICK the links to LEARN. the Doctor's and the Natural News the Big Pharma. 

I do not CARE how much fake science says that mustard gas and chemo are the way to sending this disease into ‘remission’ note, not CURING. I have a spiritual God who has and WILL and does DAILY overthrow false, manipulated science and all they try to mislead people into believing. Pluto not a planet, anyone?

Why would God lead me down this path of discovery if he WANTED me to do chemo? Would He falsely mislead me, would God now become a deceiver in my life? Could satan be using my STRONG faith against me and lead me to this place? The answer is NO! God is, and always will be in control of MY vehicle! And please, your opinion and lack of trust and faith in the God I believe in wholeheartedly will not sway my decision in moving forward with HIM! 

Why would I be led to Spiritually Healing the wrongs in my past? Why would I be led to turmeric, Frankincense, myrrh and the numerous other healing supplements? Why would I be allowed to HEAL if this was not from God? I only know of One Healer! Jesus HEALED the maimed, the blind, the demon possessed, the woman who bled for twelve years, Jesus was put here on this earth to HEAL and that is EXACTLY what is happening to me right this moment! Yes, I DID sign up for the weekly newsletter and FREE report in the link above, TYVM!

When people see me, they see God in action, healing taking place, the strength of my willpower to overcome what ails me. What they don’t see is the clawing my way out of the hell that science and man has placed as an obstruction. People don’t see me daily fighting the enemy. Taking the good and the bad is all the form that willpower takes and the positive truth wins in the end! 

To find the truth that our country, our very government, keeps from us has to be dug up, researched and researched because I think we all know, our governments LIE to us and keeps the truth hidden!

Why is there successful cancer treatment centers in Tijuana Mexico? Why are the Germans leading the cutting edge technology in finding a CURE for cancer? Why is the world finding healing spots for individuals but America doesn’t WANT to find healing for the sick? I’ll tell you why I can’t find a HEALING practitioner in Nebraska, MONEY! It all boils down to where the money is at and HEALING is NOT where the money is, pacifying the Big Pharma corporations is and getting people suckered into a $315,000 YEARLY chemo cancer treatment, per patient is where all the money is! Keeping people addicted to drugs is where the money is located. And you’re wondering why I’m choosing God to treat and HEAL me? Because it is HIM whom I trust more than ANYONE!

In the coming posts, I will show the non-toxic supplements I’m using. I’ll let you into my wonderful herbivore world with the meals that are sustaining me. I’ll allow you to see the spiritual aspects of my healing from prayer to nature’s essential oils, from healing music to physical exercise and the new lease I have on life with my strengthened-everyday-willpower. You can't heal a portion of the body to heal the entire body. One must heal the WHOLE ENTIRE body; mind, body, and spirit! 

Gen. 1: 29 “And God said, Behold, I have given you every herb bearing seed, which is upon the face of all the earth, and every tree, in the which is the fruit of a tree yielding seed; to you it shall be for meat.”

I am winning the battle, although the road is still long, and the finish line is far off downstream, I’m visibly HEALING. At times when I see one set of footprints, it is then that God is carrying me! This week, with the clouds, rain, and dampness, God has asked me to rest. Not from writing, from walking. He knows how determined I am so He’s asked me to take a small break to allow more healing to take place. Today marks nine weeks—on we go friends. 

God bless every one of you on the journey He’s placed you! 

Rev. 22: 2 “In the midst of the street of it, and on either side of the river, was there the tree of life, which bare twelve manner of fruits, and yielded her fruit every month: and the leaves of the tree were for the healing of the nations.”

*edited because it is important to the Grammar Nazi's that my words be perfect. 

Power in Prayer

Mark 1: 28-29  “And when he was come into the house, his disciples asked him privately, Why could not we cast him out? And he said unto them, This kind can come forth by nothing, but by prayer and fasting.”

Power in Prayer

When this New Year began I was not expecting to be on a journey of my lifetime. I thought I’d sail through the year until another one began. People wonder why I have such a firm belief? Because I KNOW my ways are not His ways, just as my plans are not His plans.

Isa. 55:8-9 “For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways, saith the LORD. For as the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways, and my thoughts than your thoughts.

We always THINK we are in total control but as you can see, nothing is ever in our control, like melting wax it is ALWAYS dripped into His hands and carried.

Did you ever wonder why the Asians (or people in other countries) are healthier than Americans? They knew something we didn’t and still don’t. They knew of prayer and meditation long before we ever did. When we hear of these herbal remedies and holistic healing, the Chinese are usually the first thing that comes to mind. We here in the Western World are not allowed to believe in that hokey stuff, we’re to believe what we’re brainwashed to believe. As evidenced, as a statement of FACT, we Americans are fed toxins! And we buy what they sell us, believe it won’t hurt us, yet we have one of the highest cancer rates in the world.

God placed these herbal remedies, natural cures here for us and as much as we say we read the bible we look over the parts of what they ate, what spices they used and what herbs were used as natural remedies for the ill. Mistletoe is just now being studied at the Bethesda Cancer hospital in Maryland, it's been studied in Germany for YEARS, frankincense is another element under study as a cancer cure, CURE people, not a pacifying drug that will mimic additional years added to your life!

Another cure surrounded by stigma sits in the facts in way of cannabis oil. The state of Nebraska has shot down the bill that would legalize the oil medicinally meaning guess what, cancer patients have to DIE or obtain the stuff illegally or move to a state where it is legal. Their reasoning? Legalizing medicinal Cannabis oil would encourage kids to smoke pot! How stupid is that? THAT’S what our country faces, people and politicians who don’t WANT what is best for the ill but what looks good and acceptable to the easily manipulated older folks. They accept whatever the government feeds them. I cannot comprehend why we are so far behind in finding cures. They say we need more money but what is the money for, to pay the researchers? A billion dollar industry doesn’t become that way unless funds are being misspent.

Why would medicinal oil encourage kids to smoke marijuana? They’re going to smoke weed anyway and they could care less about the medicinal oil hiding within the hemp plant. This from a government who has a nation addicted to pharmaceuticals. Does any of this make sense? It sure doesn’t to me. I’m a victim and the government is the abuser. They say it is my body and my choice but it certainly doesn’t feel like it as they try to force me into submission.

So what’s left? Prayer, that is the one mighty power that the government can’t control, charge money for or withhold from the people. Prayer is the one healer that doctors have zero belief in or control over. Prayer is my most powerful tool in beating this crud that’s decided to take up residence in me. My mind, my body, my soul CRAVES healing and in the Power of Prayer I WILL RECEIVE healing. 

When I got my PET scan the other day it was prayer and meditation that got me through the ninety-minute ordeal. After the young lady checks your blood sugar, mine was eighty, she injects you with radioactive dye. She then shuts the light off and leaves you alone for forty-five minutes as it goes through your system. They need minimal brain activity so you’re left in solitude.

Those forty-five minutes went pretty quickly as I wrapped myself in prayer and meditation. When the girl returned to the room, it had only seemed like twenty minutes. Just twenty more minutes left under the lights of the scan. Being claustrophobic, meditation is what I used to see me through the tube.

Now onto twenty minutes in the tube. The machine wasn’t the BIG O CT scan looking machine; the O was a much smaller and a tighter fit. The onc. doctor had given me a pill to take to calm me down before my scan but I, not liking to take drugs, didn’t take it and trusted God to be with me and get me through this. The machine hummed into life as I was being fed into its mouth. Eyes closed, as the humming and flashing of lights whirled around me, meditation began.

When I heard the words, “We’re done” it was music to my ears. I mistakenly opened my eyes as I was being backed out of the tube and I thanked the Lord for holding my hand during the entire ordeal. I was free to go on with my day, radioactive for eight hours, whatever that means. Was I now in the position to turn into the Incredible Hulk?  

I stopped by the Herbal Supplement store and there stood an elderly lady at the register, known by her fist name by the cashier. The small store was bustling with business. I guess this is only the first or second store in this area of this kind. Living in a state that is broken into counties by 70 miles or so, these kinds of stores are rare. Nebraska is way behind in the times. Actually, I feel like I’ve gone back in time where the only thing available is what is offered unless you feel like traveling. I’d be very comfortable in a horse and buggy on these dirt roads. 

This illness is not a death sentence as so many are misled to believe. I do have a choice and I choose to live. I will walk hand in hand with my Father as we sail through the storms of life. He has calmed the storms for me and in prayer, we communicate on an hourly basis. I’m reminded how the Healer HEALS. Those are not just words thrown into a book for show, the healing words are the TRUTH that we all live and believe, right? I know I do, there is POWER in PRAYER! Alleluia AMEN!

Pss. 34:18-20 “The LORD is nigh unto them that are of a broken heart; and saveth such as be of a contrite spirit. Many are the afflictions of the righteous: but the LORD delivereth him out of them all. He keepeth all his bones: not one of them is broken.”