OPTIMISM: A New Day

Pss. 34:4 I sought the LORD, and he heard me, and delivered me from all my fears.

Optimism: A New Day

For the past two and a half weeks I’ve been walking around in a veiled fog. My brain couldn’t wrap itself around the simplest of things. I knew without the Oral Chemo I would start to fail. I don’t know why the nurse assumed, two weeks ago, I would jump right into the chemo Herceptin, she knows me and has been working with me for seven months but she went ahead and stopped all further shipments of my meds and didn’t, it sounds to me, get the doctors okay. He wanted me back on what I had left here at home, pronto! And as soon as I started taking it again, my body, muscles, and brain all connected, finally.

I was angry and bitter at just about anyone I came in contact with. I put up a good front (or not) but I muddled through each and every day. If you’ve been reading my blog over the years, you know I am an optimist at heart. I take everything to the Lord and listen ONLY to Him. Not my husband, son, doctors or family can tell me anything, I listen to God and wait for what He has to say ALL of the time.

This instance was no different as I told you last week. I prayed, I heard, and I listened. I also told you I didn’t like the answer I got and for that, I became bitter and disgruntled and in all honesty, ready to pick out my urn! Just an FYI: I want the cover of Dark Side of the Moon on it. Inscription will say: "I'll see you on the dark side of the moon."

Pss. 34:6 "This poor man cried, and the LORD heard him and saved him out of all his troubles."

God wants me to go the Herceptin route and for the life of me, I cannot conceive why. Why would He do this to me? Why can’t I just be healed like everyone imagines how healing is done? You don’t have to answer that I already know the answer. GOD DOES NOT WORK THAT WAY! 

With all of the healthy eating and supplementation, my body was being prepared to handle what the damaging poison would do to my system. It’s a fact that chemo destroys, it’s a fact that we have the power within ourselves to heal so we need to step up and take action to see healing through. I worked hard to build up my immunity and it may just be time to see if it is strong enough for the poison while the poison attacks the C cells. A science project in motion, if you will.

My body was ready for the Oral Chemo. After sifting through the lies that the doctor told, I had no idea the Oral Chemo was a short term route. I was led to believe ‘that I would see ANOTHER Christmas’. Well, if I don’t go the Herceptin route, I might not see another Christmas!

I have said over and over and over again, this illness is not like a cold. You eat some soup, take some vitamin c and you’re all better. There is no clear indication that just changing your diet to an organic plant-based and taking supplements is the secret to healing the Big C! I’ve NEVER EVER said that or misled anyone to believe that. I made it perfectly clear that there is an entire chasm of healing tools and chemo is NOT the only way to go either! And also, cancer is NOT the death sentence that doctors would like you to believe it is, it’s an enemy of your system, but it is YOUR system, your body, your healing, no one else can heal you but God and you!

The women I see healing alternatively have money, the choice of fine doctors at their fingertips, chiropractors, have been to the clinic in Mexico, have access to the UV saunas, have within their reach the ability to afford all the crazy organic Plant Based food, and many live in states where Medicinal Cannabis is legal. They have family supporting them and maybe they’ve never had a life of trauma. Yes, I know, we’ve all had hard lives but again TRAUMA is different than losing a dog when you were a kid or being whooped because you were bad. TRAUMA is stress that needs tender loving care to get through and it doesn’t happen in a meditation session, or on a psychologists sofa, or with drugs! There are elements to healing this disease that the poor impoverished person has a much deeper struggle to contend with.

So with that, yesterday I woke with an answer. Optimism! I’ve had a gung-ho attitude through all of this but in recent weeks my pep pooped out! Today, my poop got pepped! Ewww. Wait. Today my perk got prepped! Yeah, that sounds better. God said to me if I go into chemo thinking it’s going to destroy and kill me, by all means, it will. If I go in with the optimism that this is just another supplement (albeit a poisonous one) needed in my healing then we’ll find success, then so be it! We’ll find healing! 

God is not a God of fear tactics and scare traits. He wants me to see this as a love potion to add to all of my other healthy eating, exercising, and supplementation. This is just an odd leg of the journey that I did not want to accept. You heard me right, I didn’t like what God wanted me to do! After asking for forgiveness in my doubting Him and asking Him to hold my hand and lead the way, He shouted, OPTIMISM! We’ll walk with optimism so I can see a new day every day and see many more Christmas’! 

I don’t have to do what the doctor says, I’m in the passenger seat of this vehicle and God is my Almighty Driver! The doctors fear tactics have me on this Herceptin for years, ten to twenty. Look, people, I’m not a prisoner doing ten to twenty years for something I didn’t do. I am going to show the world that this disease can be licked, all wounds healed and scars tended to. Years down the line, the scars will be minimal with caressing, rubbing, touching, acknowledging and coming face to face with what brought them to me. 

My mantra will continue - I am HEALED, I am Healthy and I am WELL! 

All praise and Glory to my God! 

Pss. 34:1 "I will bless the LORD at all times: his praise shall continually be in my mouth."

A Milestone...Changes ARE Happening

Isa. 60:19 "The sun shall be no more thy light by day; neither for brightness shall the moon give light unto thee: but the LORD shall be unto thee an everlasting light, and thy God thy glory."

A Milestone

I wanted to share a bit of a milestone that really came out of nowhere. You remember that for years I thought I had MS and that my unbalance may have been a symptom? I have posted numerous times telling of my pains in my back, knees and everywhere else. 

I know I have one friend that remembers the intimate details I displayed for you all here on my blog. If you’re a follower, you know my story. If you’re not a follower, there are previous posts links over there to play catch up.

Being unbalanced left me either sitting or standing and holding onto the wall but never could I stand and put my pants on in about four years now; it was just too uncertain.

Yesterday it happened, I had to go into my bedroom and get pants. Without even thinking, I stood in the middle of the room and put my pants on, one leg at a time. No wobble, no uncertainty, no holding onto anything, nothing. After pulling them up and buttoning them, I stood there and thought, ‘did I just do that’? A tear came to my eye because it had been four years since feeling like a somewhat normal human being.

My body is changing for the good. Apparently, a healthy lifestyle is what I needed to regain my balance. Not only has the loss of thirty pounds made a significant difference in my wardrobe (115 lbs and holding), the adding of pertinent supplements and healthy eating all around has made a difference in my showering, the way I dress, the way I walk and just about everything in my life. 

This week though, I’ve been on the defense in so many ways. I’m thinking October 29th, the second anniversary of my dad’s passing is taking a toll on me that I never seen coming. I am at peace with his passing but I do have to contend with my mother, very much alive who misses him terribly on a daily basis. She says she can’t figure out why she was kept here alive and I told her point blank, maybe it’s for ME! I think God is going to keep me alive for HER as well.

My mother has no idea I have this ugly disease, she would become paranoid (as usual) and worry too much and try to instill fear in me so I think her NOT knowing is for her benefit as well as mine. I think God has kept her alive for me since she is really the only family that I’m in touch with on a daily basis, my grounding so-to-speak. I’ve always been very close to my mother and not physically seeing her for over ten years has its own stress factor but to hear her voice daily helps relieve the stress immensely.

Another milestone is the tumor itself. I’ve been feeling some sharp pains here lately and instead of fear and panic I kicked into research mode and conferred with ladies experiencing the exact same thing as I, as we are all on an alternative path together. I’m going to get a little (a lot) personal and graphic here, if you’re a man, turn away now. 

The tumor is in the rapid cell die-off phase. Without a doctor, you might be wondering how I know this. Well, let me tell you. The tumor is big. I’ve already done immeasurable research on this and have found that the tumor is not cancer. The tumor is a result of the cancer, a reaction if you will, it is NOT the cancer itself. Back in January when the disease was discovered, I went to the doctor with a C+ cup size of my left breast. I, my life since teenage years, have been a very comfortable B size. 

With my diet change and weight loss, I’m bound to lose breast size so that isn’t the telltale sign I’m looking for in healing, no, the pains are. Over I’d say this past month (since a miraculous herb literally walked in my front door) or two I’ve had a reduction of breast size on the LEFT side. No longer a C+ or even a C, I’m fitting comfortably back into my B cup! You might see that as no big deal, but visually it IS a big deal because I SEE the healing taking place! The tumor is still there but if the pains are a telltale sign of rapid cell die off, I’m winning this battle, a little pain at a time!

I have to share this graphic tale with you as I move toward the continued healing part of my journey. I’m still edgy and defensive but hey, maybe a lack of sugar and carbs is having that effect nine months later. I still have my sense of humor, I took a six-week writing course, and while a little stressful for me, I took it as a challenge to stretch my writing muscles even further. I’m still maintaining strict eating habits that I’m coming to enjoy, I’m still walking and exercising, still loving life and still have problems with my defensiveness. I can work on that though. I’ve done so much work this year that finally I’m seeing the results of my labor. A little defensiveness is nothing to tackle.

All my praise and glory goes to my God on most high! I could not and would not be where I am today without Him holding the reins! My supportive friends are very much an aspect of this healing too! Thank you, and God bless! 

Touch the Spirit

“‘You are the God who sees me,’ for she said, ‘I have now seen the One who sees me.’” Genesis 16:13b (NIV)

Touching the Spirit 

Well, it seems to me I’m an odd one. Why not when I think I can touch the Spirit. What you say? We’re used to just basing our faith on things unseen but what is this touching the Spirit?

My dear friend said: “We can lay our hands on spaceships, and books, iPods and plastic bottles, and we cannot touch a Spirit. HE can touch us, but we cannot touch HIM. So there's always that point of disconnect. Always that feeling of being out of step because the God we trust on we cannot touch with our hands, see with our eyes, hear with our ears.”

Gosh, when I read that my mind went exploring! It drifted off to the time I DID touch Him. I touch Him often and I assumed everyone else did also. I know after you read what I say you’ll say, Oh that, that’s not the same. It is very real to me. It is what makes me an oddball in the crowd. It makes me the crimson in a sea of yellow. 

Just so you know, while I can physically touch an iPod, I never have, the same goes for a spaceship, but my heavenly Father, oh yes, I’ve touched Him; my fingers brushed his robe, my hand held his hand, my arms wrapped around Him in an embrace but in Spirit form, it is like hugging liquid.

Ezekiel 1:26-28 “Now above the expanse that was over their heads there was something resembling a throne, like lapis lazuli in appearance; and on that which resembled a throne, high up, was a figure with the appearance of a man. Then I noticed from the appearance of His loins and upward something like glowing metal that looked like fire all around within it, and from the appearance of His loins and downward I saw something like fire; and there was a radiance around Him. As the appearance of the rainbow in the clouds on a rainy day, so was the appearance of the surrounding radiance Such was the appearance of the likeness of the glory of the LORD And when I saw it, I fell on my face and heard a voice speaking.”

I think maybe first you need to understand who and what He is. God is Spirit not a man, not sitting up on the puffy white clouds. God is not hiding from us in the shadows, He is in plain view for all of the world to see, hear, touch, taste, and smell. When you stop seeing Him as ‘up there' sitting on a majestic throne in the icy sky maybe then you can intimately feel that He is within, without, He IS dwelling in every living thing. 

Psalm 139:7-12

"Where can I go from Your Spirit? Or where can I flee from Your presence? If I ascend to heaven, You are there; If I make my bed in Sheol, behold, You are there. If I take the wings of the dawn, If I dwell in the remotest part of the sea, Even there Your hand will lead me, And Your right hand will lay hold of me. If I say, "Surely the darkness will overwhelm me, And the light around me will be night," Even the darkness is not dark to You, And the night is as bright as the day Darkness and light are alike to You."

I think what makes me an oddball is that I believe and always have known I have more than five senses. Yeah, that just makes me weird that way. I think when you’ve died twice and then came back to wander among the human species you feel just like the astronaut who has been taken into space then brought back here to live out the duration of your life on earth, except one thing, when you die, you touch the Spirit realm.

When you touch a point of light and it streams through your fingers like liquid in your hand, or when you listen to music and it vibrates through your body like an electrical current surging through you, it is at those moments that spirit is passing through you. 

Take this statement as an example, “He can touch us but we can’t touch Him.” I mean no offense but that doesn’t make sense to me because my reality tells me otherwise. What is touch? Is it a physical, material object?

Acts 17:27-28 “that they would seek God, if perhaps they might grope for Him and find Him, though He is not far from each one of us; for in Him we live and move and exist, as even some of your own poets have said, 'For we also are His children.'”

When my mother hugs me, I feel her love wash over me like a waterfall. I live well over a thousand miles away and I can still feel her hug in her voice, I can still feel that love spray over me. It’s no longer physical but I can feel her and know she is there. God is no different in that aspect, He can seem far away but still be within me.

1 Corinthians 3:16 “Do you not know that you are a temple of God and that the Spirit of God dwells in you?”

As assuredly as I can touch my arm, run my fingers through my hair, softly scan my face with my fingertips, I can feel Him there. God becomes physical when I allow my very fingertips to caress any material object that He created.

1 John 2:16 ESV “For all that is in the world—the desires of the flesh and the desires of the eyes and pride in possessions—is not from the Father but is from the world.”

The soil in my garden is dry and sandy. I tried many years to grow plants, veggies, food, but rarely did I get anything from my crop. I couldn’t afford to put rich soil in the ground, or fertilizers, so I had to trust the land to provide beauty for me because if the earth doesn’t provide then there is no need to plant. This year I threw my hands in the air and said I’m not planting and whatever comes up will have to be provided by God himself and I will tend the garden when it shows up. As you can see below, God showed up!

You’ll say when I tell you that my annuals come back year after year it’s because of seed drop the year before and you’d be right but still, my annuals sprouted from the ground and put on a display of beauty that I had no hand in except the watering of the garden. God touches us in the most mysterious of ways. The same can be said for us, we TOUCH Him in mysterious ways also but it is still TOUCH! 

When I stroke a leaf, I feel the swell of life surfing through my blood and I connect on levels most would never understand. The veins of a leaf are not much different than the very DNA flowing through the cells of my body. It is the sustenance of LIFE.

I think the problems with people are that they disconnect from God. They don’t see, hear and feel Him in everything. They place Him in a book, they shape Him into molds, and they form Him out of clay. He becomes a material when that was never His intention in ways to be among us. He is a spirit that dwells in us, the temple. When He looks at us, He doesn’t see us from afar, He isn’t out there in the world swirling clouds to make storms strike the earth because we were bad.

Storms form because of man's inability to restrain himself from filling the skies and land with toxins that create a mess in the atmosphere and a terrible storm is in essence, the clouds letting off backed up emissions, to put it simply, the clouds burp! 

2 Chronicles 16:9

"For the eyes of the LORD move to and fro throughout the earth that He may strongly support those whose heart is completely His. You have acted foolishly in this. Indeed, from now on you will surely have wars."

Zephaniah 3:17

"The LORD your God is in your midst, A victorious warrior He will exult over you with joy, He will be quiet in His love, He will rejoice over you with shouts of joy.

When someone says to me that I cannot touch God, there is no way to humanly kiss the Spirit, I have to digress. Contact is in different forms not just by handling. That’s like saying a man with no arms can’t paint a portrait, I’ve seen it done. I wasn’t there for the act but I’ve witnessed the fact. I challenge each of you today to look for the Spirit WITHIN and embrace what has been there all along. He has never left you for one nano second so don't ever give up on Him. Seek and you will find.

Isaiah 52:10 “The LORD has bared His holy arm In the sight of all the nations, That all the ends of the earth may see The salvation of our God.”

The Results Are In

Acts 4:22 “For the man was above forty years old, on whom this miracle of healing was shewed.”

The Results Are In

I can honestly say I patiently waited. I thought the doctor said she’d call Friday but I remembered I did ask for a written copy of the results because I do better visually seeing with my own eyes.

I felt good about the blood test because I know I’ve been doing everything and more to get this crud under control! In my mind, I shouldn’t even have this disease, this belongs to someone else. But such as it is, I got the diagnosis.

To many, this is the jaw dropping death sentence disease that no one wants but millions each year get and quite frankly, die. I’ve said it once and I’ll say it again, a million times if you’d let it sink into your brain, cancer does NOT kill, chemotherapy DOES! 

I’ll quit stalling because I know you all, my dear spiritual family, who has been with me through this illness these past six months, are as eager as I am to get the results, to actually SEE the results. Just so you know, by the end of the letter I received, the doc did encourage me to get treatment (chemo) for this disease but understood my want for alternative treatment first. She is a medical professional, I’d expect nothing less from her.

Now let me start out with, when you’re diagnosed with cancer, NOTHING is normal; no blood counts are normal, no vitamin counts, everything registers deficient.  That is another signal (besides the mammogram, CT scan, and biopsies) you have the ugly C or some other illness festering inside. Here are the results with comments from me in parentheses.

The letter started off…
Your white blood count including your INFECTION cells (CELLS), were NORMAL at 6,000. Normal range is 4,000 to 11,000.  (comment: mine is 6,000 meaning to me it is ascending daily or can stay where it is, normal range!)

Your hemoglobin was normal at 13.8 and your platelets were normal at 306,000. These should be between 150,000 and 400,00 (comment: I am almost ABOVE normal!)

Other lab testing included comprehensive metabolic panel which looks at your liver, kidneys and all of your electrolytes. Your blood protein ratio was a little bit off (not a lot). This can be affected by hydration, nutrition—this can be mildly affected. (you all know my diet, so this is a normal response, to me) Your liver function tests and your kidney function tests including your sodium, potassium, blood sugar and chloride were all normal! (Comment: this means the detoxification I’m doing is registering in my organs. This is a very good sign when these organs are functioning normally with this disease.)

Your vitamin b12 level was actually ABOVE normal range at 998. Normal range is 193-986. This is just fine to be slightly high. (comment: You bet it is! B12 is a major component of the vitamin that’s essential to fighting this disease. She even said that at the office.)

Your vitamin D level is at 37. Anything over 30 is considered normal. (Comment: Vit. D is another major nutrient component in the fight.)

Overall, all of these tests are essentially NORMAL!!! (my caps and exclamation marks)

Tears flooded from my eyes at this point! Six months of not knowing if what I’m doing was really working. Yes, I most certainly have faith it is, I can see things that SHOW me this diet, my eating habit change has all been working. How everything is just a part of a working machine that when taken care of properly it all works in order to heal.

She also added that while these tests were good, none can be a direct indicator of progressing cancer or improving (the immune system). She has to say that so she is not held liable in any way. I did tell her that I would hold myself directly responsible for whatever outcome happens. And well…it looks like I might be NORMAL after all, at least my blood is. * Big ol’ smile *

My God is an awesome God He reigns. I could not be doing what I’m doing without Him. Once again as so many other times in my life, He has NEVER let me down. My prayers have been answered and I walk along a tough road in faith but now I have actual tests to prove, what I’m doing is showing signs of working. Onward I go on the healing path I’ve chosen.

Thank you and God bless you all!

Luke 9:11 “And the people, when they knew it, followed him: and he received them, and spake unto them of the kingdom of God, and healed them that had need of healing.”

Continued Healing...

Prov. 14:30 (NIV) "A heart at peace gives life to the body, but envy rots the bones."

When people say that all I’m doing to heal this most dreaded disease on the planet is hokey stuff, well turn yourself around, this hokey stuff is of sound doctrine you know? Look at the above verse. A heart at peace gives LIFE to the body!

You see, the Bible tells us to use the herbs of the land. It tells us to eat the right foods and the GMO filled toxic food is NOT biblically sound food to eat. I realized something this week with our shopping journey, it’s not just the food that I can’t eat that brings me down, it’s looking at a sick nation consumed with overeating. 

We’re not just living in an overweight nation, we’re living in an obese nation. I’m not pointing fingers at people or judging you because maybe there is a medical reason for your weight issues; I’m talking about looking out into the world and seeing people being consumed by food, not the other way around.

If you’re a label reader as I’ve now become you’ll see the processors of food have used manipulative ways to get you to buy their product with words like ‘all natural’, ‘healthy’, 'vitamin filled’ but when you read the ingredients, safflower, soy, lecithin, oils. Oils of any kind are not natural and healthy. colors and dyes are not natural and neither are dextro- anything or -oxides.

In biblical times the overweight people were reserved for the kings of the land. The rich over indulged while the poor withered away to nothing. Today it is the poor that are growing in size and the rich are affording the only healthy food on this planet. Do you know why? Because we’ve been manipulated by the system!

People go on diets all the time, they try and try to lose the weight, they use every (processed) source of achieving their desired weight and then in a couple of years, the battle has to resume because the diet failed or is it because they weakened? 

In these past four months, I’ve learned a lot about myself, that’s usually what fasting does, clarifies spiritual insights to yourself that need tending. I obviously needed to be more aware of my health and basically this change in food lifestyle (I will not call it a diet) was forced on me and I’ve learned I have the willpower and strength of some Super Hero of the comic books! 

What I’ve also learned is that cancer likes four things: virus, bacteria, inflammation, and fungus. These four things are the breeding ground for the disease. All four of which I've struggled with my whole life. You add emotional stress and trauma to the mix and your C cells start multiplying like rabbits. 

While we live in a nation that believes in the Big Pharma ways of healing, teaching doctors to slice and dice patients and drugging them, there is a small portion (growing by the minute) that teaches different ways to heal that doesn’t start with fear, slice, dice, and radiate. Why would our people be against the natural type of CURE for a disease that is sweeping the nation and taking out people like fumigating ants?

I find it quite admirable when people are trying to lose weight and better their health. They need the strength of a Super Hero and sometimes they find it in the Will of God, or by giving up what they lust after, one can lust after unhealthy food, you know. People say I don’t know WHY I ate that five pounds of chocolate, or that extra helping of mashed potatoes, or that extra thick juicy steak. They know why, they craved it, lusted for it and became filled with it and afterward they rejoiced but then in their mind, they live with regret as they feel bloated, gassy and pain-filled. I know their doctors are sure happy. 

True contentment in life isn’t about having what you want and crave, it’s about being appreciative and grateful for what you already have. I have a disease. I’m thankful God didn’t wipe me out; He awakened me and gave me a second chance. When people are told they have this disease, do you think that’s what they’re saying? Thank you, Lord? I don’t think so because I know what my initial reaction was and I know the God slap moment I had almost immediately in the following days. 

I have dug and dug, research upon research and am finding quite an arsenal of unconventional healing techniques out in this world that I hope and pray are one day the more conventional method of treating this disease. I can tell by people’s reaction to my method of healing, that this world has a long way to go in understanding everything. 

People say they believe in the Father, Son, and Holy Spirit, but when someone turns to this method of healing, they’re frowned upon. It’s as if those pedestal-people feel they hold all the truth and knowledge about God and His kingdom, and no ditzy blond in the twenty-first century is going to tell them anything differently! 

Heb. 11:1 “Now faith is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen.”

I know to heal from this disease no method is going to work if I don’t believe in it and that is one of the main things that Naturopath agree upon. If you believe chemo will work, it works and they head you in that direction. If you don’t believe chemo will work for you (like me) it won’t work, it’ll be more disastrous. I am not buying into the disaster route. I’m following the healing route all the way!

To HEAL you must start with your Spirit. God sent the Holy Spirit to fill us and the Holy Spirit is not just in us to praise and worship it is there for us to find healing! With calling on the healing the Spirit brings with Him, we tap into our mind which is the storehouse of past traumas, events, negative and positive that we’re going to call on the Holy Spirit to heal with us, together, never ever alone! Only then can we think that the change of lifestyle and supplementation will be the powerhouse to our healing.

If you’re fighting overweight issues and not seeing results, maybe you went about it backward; supplementation, therapy, then turning to God. This ditzy blond is going to tell you, that’s not how it works. This is what I’ve learned over the past four months. Much of this is new to me, especially where the Big C is concerned. 

I’ve always been tuned into God, but I gave no care for my mind or body. I assumed things could all just stay neatly in the closet while I lived. Nope! Spring cleaning people! HEAL with the Spirit, unconventionally tackle the mind, THEN turn your body into the flourishing temple God created!

2 Corinthians 12:9 (KJV) “And he said unto me, My grace is sufficient for thee: for my strength is made perfect in weakness. Most gladly therefore will I rather glory in my infirmities, that the power of Christ may rest upon me.”

Questions and Answers

Pss. 145:17-18 KJV “The LORD is righteous in all his ways, and holy in all his works. The LORD is nigh unto all them that call upon him, to all that call upon him in truth.”

Questions and Answers

I think people have more questions than I do answers but I will try my best to give you the most asked questions as I face this battle of a lifetime. I don’t mind answering questions as long as you don’t counter with a negative response, it could cost me what I deem a valuable friendship.

Question: What made you opt out of doing chemo?

Answer: Well, as the oncologist would have me believe, fear. You see they instill fear so you react in fear. Meaning, they give you dire consequences before allowing you to think for yourself and possibly finding an alternative route. 
What made me opt out? Prayer, God’s answers to my prayers, and finding that there ARE options that the doctor’s don’t allow people the chance to know. 

Question: Are you sure you’re not reacting in fear? What makes you so confident?

Answer: Let me ask you, what would make YOU choose chemo, and be honest? How would YOU react and WHY? 
For me, the doctors handed me a dire diagnosis in my eyes. They wanted me to act quickly, so quickly red flags went up in my head overriding the fear. All I asked for is TIME; time to think things through. Their reactions of  ‘Joni’s not committing’ and words like ‘all I hear is fear in your voice, let us help you’, again raised red flags. THEY are the ones I fear; not the diagnosis. I knew right then and there God was answering my prayer. ‘Don’t do it’ He said. So I opted to ‘Just Say No To Drugs’; a motto that carries a lot of weight with me, a thirty-year reformed drug addict.

1 John 5:14, “This is the confidence we have in approaching God: that if we ask anything according to his will, he hears us.” (NIV)

Question: Why do you have such confidence that you’ll beat this?

Answer: My faith gives me confidence. I’ve been through so much in my life that God has led me through, walked with me, never once led me astray, and now has chosen to lead me again, so I go with confidence in my Lord.

Question: Are you saying my faith isn’t as strong as yours?

Answer: In NO WAY am I saying my faith is stronger. We each individually have our own strengths and weaknesses. Your faith is not my faith and my faith is not your faith. As unique as this diagnosis is to every person, so is our faith and so we must do what we feel is right to US. I would never judge you for choosing chemo, or drugs for what ails you. This is MY walk and MY path and I’m just sharing with you on MY journey. If you ask for what is working for me, by all means, I’ll give you an honest answer but don’t be surprised if it turns into a God talk. *smile* 

Question: Why don’t you say the  C word, is it fear?

Answer: Saying the word c-a-, yeah I can’t even write it; it is not fear that drives me, it is empowerment. If I say it, over and over again, I’m owning the disease. I will not own this illness, this is going to flee from me and it will be the diagnosis and word for other people, just not me. Don’t judge me.

Question: How will you know you’re healed? What does your doctor say?

Answer: Like everything else in my life, I will let God tell me. I prayed for healing and He says through His stripes I am HEALED and I believe that with every fiber of my being. 
My doctor’s not surprisingly have disowned me, washed their hands of me. I imagine them pouting because they failed the pharmaceutical company that drives their pocketbook, but seriously, they’ve moved onto their next victim to instill FEAR into. 
I asked my GP if there were test she could do as I face my recovery and she said flat out, NO, there is no test. Hmm… no scans? No blood test? No measurement? No, nothing? I find that odd! They sure had a lot of toxic tests to diagnose me, but now that I’ve refused chemo, there is no test to see how I’m HEALING?
Again, I’m going to trust God on this one. The One who has NEVER let me down!

Question: What are you doing to heal?

Answer: For one, I searched and researched facts! Second, it is a fact that diet plays a key role in the c-factor. No refined sugars, no carbs, no dairy, no meat, no processed food, no grains (grains are sprayed with pesticides). All toxins need to be eliminated to the BEST of your ability. I switched immediately to a majority of all organic fruit and vegetable diet! Only recently have I allowed, non-chemical laden chicken and eggs into my diet, only because MY BODY was/is telling me what to eat and drink!
I drink purified water, green tea, detox tea, and hibiscus tea. Exciting sounding, isn’t it?
I wash my body with my new Almond soap (no toxic chemicals). I’ve changed deodorant; I now use lavender spray. I have an essential oil diffuser to cleanse the house of toxic mold and pesticides from the fields sneaking into the house. I also now exercise. I take two twenty-minute walks a day (it started out as one fifteen minute walk), weather pending!
I’m taking supplements and I’ve recently discovered the healing power of the sounds of meditative multidimensional music. (No, not rock or classical). Music being used as a healing power, who would’ve thought? Me, that’s who! Yeah, I’m weird like that. 
I’m listening. My body is telling me what I need and God has a trumpet in my ear telling me “You are HEALED! You are HEALTHY! You are WELL!” Onward Christian soldier I go, marching as to war, with the cross of Jesus, going on before. 

Question: Can you tell us the supplements you use? 

Answer: Maybe in another post (too many to mention) as I’m putting together facts for my book I’m writing so I need all of the facts and where I’ve been getting my information to take such supplements. I’m not going into this with blinders on and neither should you if ever diagnosed. Get educated! Gain knowledge! Walk with God!

Question: Don’t you need surgery? Are you going that route?

Answer: My body says NO! The doctor wants to slice me open but in all of my research, I found that it may cause the cells to spread out and go into other parts of my body. No chemo, no radiation, and no slice and dice! Fact: the tumor is not the disease! The tumor is a RESULT of damaged sick cells. Cells are tiny as dust motes. When doctors slice and dice, they take more out even if you say no, they are their own god’s and perform as such. My God is healing all of me not just a portion of me!

Question: Isn’t that asking a lot of your God? 

Answer: A RESOUNDING NO! My God created the universe. Was it too big of a job? Certainly not. He created you and every thread of DNA. Too big of a job? Not in any way, shape or form. My God is an awesome God, He reigns! 

You are free to ask me questions but this topic is not open for debate. I feel debates have a negative overtone and there is no healing in negativity! Am I crazy? Some might say I am, others say I’m brave and courageous, I say I’m just listening, to God, to my body, and the TRUTH! 

All praise and Glory to God in the highest heaven! 

Pss. 9:1 "I will praise thee, O LORD, with my whole heart; I will shew forth all thy marvellous works."

I Follow HIM

Pss. 9:1 “I will praise thee, O LORD, with my whole heart; I will shew forth all thy marvellous works.”

I Follow Him

First and foremost, I follow the Lord and I always listen even if it’s something I don’t want to do. I sometimes feel like I come off as a flighty dumb blond walking into a flaming fire because I stand with Christ and Christ alone. 

I remember the story of Peter when Jesus asked him to walk on water, did you know he did step out onto the water, at first, but doubt and fear won out and he sunk? Jesus asked Him, “Are ye of little faith?” Some people say they have faith but if Jesus Himself came and said walk on the water with me, I can bet MANY would sink!

Matt 14: 25-31 NIV- “Shortly before dawn Jesus went out to them, walking on the lake. 26 When the disciples saw him walking on the lake, they were terrified. “It’s a ghost,” they said, and cried out in fear. But Jesus immediately said to them: “Take courage! It is I. Don’t be afraid.”
“Lord, if it’s you,” Peter replied, “tell me to come to you on the water.” “Come,” he said.
Then Peter got down out of the boat, walked on the water and came toward Jesus. 30 But when he saw the wind, he was afraid and, beginning to sink, cried out, “Lord, save me!” Immediately Jesus reached out his hand and caught him. “You of little faith,” he said, “why did you doubt?”

I’d like to think my faith is so strong that I WOULD walk on water for Him. He’s asked me to trust Him with my cancer and all of the HEALING treatment that He Himself has chosen for me. I say, God, lead me on still waters. Wouldn’t you know it, the waters stirred, I DID NOT FEAR! I AM NOT and WILL NOT DOUBT Him. When people pile up against me, I stand my ground firmly with the Lord. Laugh, scoff, Jesus knows exactly what it was like to be condemned by the very people who claimed to follow Him. 

I have suffered and struggled all of my life. God entered into my pain and washed away the scars and allowed me to walk to Him, with Him and for Him! Anything I struggled with he carried for me and gave me the strength of an army, one small woman, felt like an army of angels had encompassed her on a daily basis just to get through a day, a month, a year.

God is not glorified in your pain and suffering, He is glorified in your healing and yes He’s used my pain, my suffering, my scar tissue to be seen as His Light shining through. If I show doubt in His ability to carry this disease, I will sink in the very water I KNOW I can tread.

Toxins. I was raised in a toxic family, shaped by toxic chemicals whether it was LSD, PCP or any other drug of choice at the time; also the environmental toxins that I breathed in daily. I suffered alcoholism, drug addiction, sexual abuse. I lied, cheated, stolen and all of my pain and shame is laid bare for the world to see. I have NOTHING to hide behind because it is for YOU to see how Glorious our God is in His grace and forgiveness! I did not have the advantage of growing up in a rose-colored-glasses kind of world.

We live in a toxic world. Man turns to a doctor because he trusts him and has faith in Him and when someone stands against that very person they put their faith in for drugs, and medication, they don’t see the drugs and medication as toxins, they see my walk without the pacifier I call the medical toxic community as my guide, a toxic decision. So are vitamins, herbs and minerals toxic to my body? I’ll take my chances on that one. 

I think some people think I’m making this decision of no chemo. on my own in my naïve stupid young girl fashion. Seriously? If that is what you think of me, then you are not my friend. If you read my blog to pick out grammatical errors, you are missing an entire portion of me, back away from me, please! I follow HIM and Him alone in my quest for healing.

I watched as my grandmother had a stroke, then came out of the hospital and changed nothing and lived on meds the rest of her days. I watched as my aunts and uncles battled cancer, changed not one bit of their unhealthy lifestyle, I watched as my dad after heart surgery and a good three months of recovery returned to his old ways and eventually died. I've lived as two of my children have died!

You see, I’m coming into this diagnosis with my eyes wide open! I’ve seen, I've watched, I’ve lived, and most of all I LEARNED! I come into this cell attacker with three things none of my family members EVER had. 1) Knowledge 2) Wisdom 3) An undying unwavering FAITH!

The very first thing I did with this diagnosis? DRASTICALLY changed my unhealthy eating habits! I cut out sugar and carbs, meat and dairy, which left me with nothing but fruits and vegetables. I researched, researched and researched chemo, vitamins, herbs, cures, toxins, success stories. I’ve already been a witness to too many unsuccessful stories of illnesses from heart disease, diabetes, arthritis and a host of other illnesses. The one thing they ALL had in common was medications and an unhealthy lifestyle. 

Many people are unwilling to make a drastic change in unhealthy living. They’d much rather depend on a doctor to pacify them with drugs and a false sense that they are gods and are going to make them well. Did you ever notice, doctors are not in the business to make you well? Once you’re on medication you will NEED them for the rest of your days. You will never be healed because you then become an addict, addicted to meds. 

Did you know that God placed natural herbs here for us? Did you know God built our bodies to heal and regenerate? After we’ve totally destroyed our immune system, we need to try HARDER to restore what was lost and not trust doctors to destroy MORE for us. I’m trusting God on this one. Right or wrong, my God is the carrier of ANY burden, sickness, or pain I bring to Him. He is the Almighty Healer, Doctor and cure-all! If it bothers you that I think this way, please, feel free to reexamine your absolute faith and trust in Jesus Christ. The world desperately needs to see Jesus alive and Christians are the only ones to bring him to the world for all to see. He didn’t come to be glorified in our illness, He came to be glorified in our HEALING! THAT, my friends, is the ROCK *I* stand on!

All praise and glory be to GOD! Alleluia AMEN! Godspeed…

James 1:26 “If any man among you seem to be religious, and bridleth not his tongue, but deceiveth his own heart, this man's religion is vain.”

This is me and how I feel and LIVE!


The more I seek you
The more I find you
The more I find you
The more I love you

I want to sit at your feet
Drink from the cup in your hand
Lay back against you and breathe, feel your heart beat
This love is so deep, its more than I can stand
I melt in your peace, its overwhelming

*it's a link to the song

Never Feel Alone

 Pss. 55:1 “Give ear to my prayer, O God; and hide not thyself from my supplication.”

Never Feel Alone

Now before you tell me that I am never alone, God is always with me, I got that down, I’ve been feeling lonely as people react at the mere mention of the enemy Cancer that is attacking me. I feel like I’m accepting the diagnosis better than they are. 

For the past week since I the hammer fell, I’ve been embracing optimism. I have hope and promise in my hand and I just so happen to be walking around with a mustard seed in my hand. My faith is actually bigger but those around me physically, may not be on the same fulfilling promise of their faith. That concerns me.

My mother-in-law wants to come and see me and I am fine with that. If she needs to see the Light of Jesus shining through me, then there really is a purpose and reason for everything and I believe that with every fiber of my being.

I wrote to her in all earnestness and asked her what she was coming out to my house with; pity, sorrow or hope and positive input? I know she surrounds me with love but I can honestly from ten miles away sense the pity in her tone the sorrow in her words, the fear in every letter of the alphabet.

Deut. 28:66 “And thy life shall hang in doubt before thee; and thou shalt fear day and night, and shalt have none assurance of thy life:”

Just a few comments (not all) from DEAR friends. Full names withheld for privacy reasons. 

Mike said: “People fear death because they have no hope. They've been brainwashed into thinking it's [death] something really bad.”

Donna said: “It's normal for people that love you to be upset. Of course, you do not want pity but God will use you during this time to help him established his Kingdom.”

Shellie said: “I believe very firmly that we are healed through the stripes Jesus took for us!! You have many friends and family praying and loving you through this process! I also believe that staying as positive as possible is a must do in healing.”

My favorite response by Tom: “People fear most that which they cannot control; they think that if they eat right, think right and do right, they can control everything. Even Christians get coaxed into thinking their reward is in the blessings of this life. But then Cancer, ALS, MS, and Parkinson's diseases come along and confront their/our comfort in THIS life, taking away our self-confidence. But confidence in "self" is not confidence in God. Trusting in God, and placing CONFIDENCE in His will, is what ultimately allows us to make a smooth transition from this life to the next.”

One of MY responses: “Exactly! And I don't feel like God is saying (to ME) choose chemo, prolong your life over choose ME, *I* AM the WAY, THE TRUTH, and the LIFE. And I will take you when I'm good and ready no matter WHAT you choose.”

Pss. 27:6 “And now shall mine head be lifted up above mine enemies round about me: therefore will I offer in his tabernacle sacrifices of joy; I will sing, yea, I will sing praises unto the LORD.”

Does my comment scare you? I understand that they’ve made great strides in the medical field but the treatment is still the same as it was forty years ago, drugs, chemo, radiation. Let me ask you this all of you political aficionados if the enemy from another country threatened your life, is attacking that country with radiation your first line of defense? No? Why not? Because it would KILL innocent people along with the bad! THAT is exactly what chemotherapy does; it KILLS the bad cells but also wipes out the GOOD cells needed to SURVIVE! I’m just choosing another line of defense for now.

When you get the big C diagnosis there is a flurry of bombardments from every angle. The treatments offered are only the ones that the doctors submit you up for, it’s their job. I keep hearing about positive thoughts and prayers are essential in healing but my Oncologists is sworn to Conventional Treatment and if I don’t go that route, she’s out some money I’m sure. 

How can chemo help me if I don’t BELIEVE it can help me? Chemo would NOT work for me because I don’t believe it can help me. I don’t have a positive mindset where chemo is concerned. Sure, they can pretend it is going to work, they can pump me with drugs and radiate me, but if I would go into a treatment that I didn’t have one iota of faith in helping me, how could treatment in that manner save me?

Now, I have faith in medicinal herbs, always have and always will. Why? Because I’ve always believed that God put a cure for EVERY illness right here under our noses and in front of our eyes, but we are too blind to see. We are too bogged with taking a ‘doctors orders’ to see something else that might benefit our disease/illness.

Don’t get me wrong, there are some doctors who go against the grain and are superb and richly needed but are they open to hearing YOU! Do they dismiss any hope you have by shrugging off your faith, your belief, and your wishes? If your doctor gives off negative vibes and a me, me, me attitude, is that the doctor you’re going to want to go with for healing YOU? 

That’s where I’m at, the oncologist left me feeling alone surrounded by people. Now, my friends, they’re a different story I told them I’m choosing this route of holistic healing and they lift me up! Surround me with prayer, and now are supporting me monetarily so I can get all of the vitamins I need to go into battle against the enemy. I have a very prayerful and faithful group of friends.

Isa. 2:12 “For the day of the LORD of hosts shall be upon every one that is proud and lofty, and upon every one that is lifted up; and he shall be brought low:”

My niece started me a sort of GoFundMe page called YouCaring. She asked beforehand if I’d mind and being bombarded with info from everywhere and what I’ll need to fight this enemy, I told her to go for it. Not thinking anything would come of it and I’d be in this battle alone but no, my friends and family came out of the woodwork to help their fellow man (um, woman). I WILL remember those who stood by and lifted me up and I DO thank each and every one who reaches into their bag of riches (can’t take it with you). And I will lift you all in prayer because I LOVE YOU! 

I’m without funds and I know we live in a world where people need every penny that they have, I totally get that and understand because I’m in the same boat with you. But not to share the link is leaving me alone, all alone in this fight of mine. It costs nothing to share the link, it is showing me visually that you support me on this journey. With a share, you are spreading a positive love and acceptance of me. I love you for that!  

Luke 6:20 “And he lifted up his eyes on his disciples, and said, Blessed be ye poor: for yours is the kingdom of God.”

Fear has crept into some, fear of the unknown. They don’t know enough about the disease, but I do know it’s not contagious. Staying away from me and ignoring me isn’t going to keep it from your doorstep. I’ve read that this cell was more than likely growing inside me for the past ten years and now it is full blown in an ‘I can feel you lump’ fashion. Unhealthy eating was the fertile soil the cell needed to grow. 

Come along with me on this journey of a lifetime! Hold on though, it’s not a fantasy trip; we’re going to the deepest depths of reality and there is NOTHING to fear because GOD is with me, with US, all the way. While I love you all, I love Him even more!

Pss. 5:3 “My voice shalt thou hear in the morning, O LORD; in the morning will I direct my prayer unto thee, and will look up.”

MY new motto! "The face of the CURE not the face of the Disease!"

May God touch you all, in the same way, He IS TOUCHING ME!