Shining Star

Rom. 2:5-6  “But because of your stubbornness and your unrepentant heart, you are storing up wrath against yourself for the day of God’s wrath, when his righteous judgment will be revealed. God “will repay each person according to what they have done.”

Shining Star

I go out back of my house on any given night to look at the expansive sky. I see a massive amount of stars shining like diamonds glistening in the sand. I live out in the middle of nowhere so my world out here is blanketed in a crisp clear view of the cosmos.

Dark matter tries to swallow the big exploding balls of gas but it doesn’t always win in the destruction of the beautiful force of light. This is how I see life nowadays. I see streams of light trying to hide from the dark matter but there is a Black Hole that people seem to live in shedding off all their matter in the cosmos and drowning out the shining stars.

“A Black Hole is defined as a region of spacetime from which extremely strong gravity prevents anything, including light, from escaping. We know that matter falling into black holes is no different from the matter which can be found lurking around the rest of the Universe.”

This is what earth has become; the inhabitants are like a Black Hole failing to let any light escape because I believe the earthlings are here to deplete the living of any oxygen. And sadly, they are okay with this mass destruction. Thank you political aficionados of the world. You have destroyed any chance of survival and if you foolishly think ‘not in my lifetime, kiddo’, you are sadly mistaken.

You know, the problem arises when I try to post a news source, it doesn’t fit your PC worldview. Is it left, is it right? Either way, it is going to be deemed wrong. If I say UP you say down, if I say Light, you say Dark and the world spins and spins by this widely accepted rhetoric and I truly want off this merry-go-round.

FACT: Really read this from NASA!!!

“A black hole is a place in space where gravity pulls so much that even light can not get out. The gravity is so strong because matter has been squeezed into a tiny space. This can happen when a star is dying.

Because no light can get out, people can't see black holes. They are invisible. Space telescopes with special tools can help find black holes. The special tools can see how stars that are very close to black holes act differently than other stars.”

From ME: Humanity is a Black Hole, a place where negativity pulls on the human psyche so much that it doesn’t allow a morsel of light to shine from within. Because the Light is buried deep in the depths of you, it can’t get out. People would need all six of their senses to really see this Black Soul but know, when people are fed your negative vibrations they begin to act differently (you fill them with hate) than the ones who are REALLY Shining Stars in the world, emitting light and making it through far away from the Black holes of space. 

I can’t be a part of your vortex of hate.  You [society as a whole] say just live life to the fullest! Laugh, drink and be merry. Life is too short to be anything else. This sounds all well and good but how on earth can you live life and be merry when you know the world is going to deplete you of oxygen and you’re going to stop breathing and become a rotted corpse sunk into the earth?  

Oh wait a minute, you have a getaway ticket to the Castles in the sky with a doorway to Heaven open to YOU because you are just so special! You did absolutely nothing to obtain the ticket, you just know your thoughts are going to carry you away into a space after your last breath is taken away from you on this planet.

I read a facebook page called, Too Young to Die, someone from back in Baltimore started the page and people go there announcing who in the ‘neighborhood’ died. They utter words like, “Now they’re angels in heaven, sitting around with [such and such] drinking all the brew they can.” Talk about an oxymoron! Heaven + beer, the only time I heard the two together was in a song ‘In heaven there is no beer, that’s why we drink it here.’ Sad isn’t it?

What a warped image people have of Heaven. Druggies actually think they’re going to heaven to continue in their drug addiction (or beer, or wine) but no, my image of heaven is not one of drugs and people sitting around a big party. That’s like saying in heaven Mother Teresa is sitting there beside Hitler. Think about it, or not, just live life to the fullest and worry about heaven when you get there, or seconds before your last breath.

I know, people are wondering why I’m thinking about heaven. Well, to be honest, I’ve always thought of heaven, maybe that is why my faith grew and grew because heaven was always on my mind, getting there or not getting there. Would I be accepted or shunned? Would I be laughed at or welcomed? Would I ascend or descend?

Maybe the longer I steer clear of the toxic people who show their TRUE colors that no one wants to see, maybe then I’ll be able to put the shine back in my posts and allow the shining star that I know I am on the inside to break through the black hole of society.

While they can play with their faith, play the good guy then the bad guy, then bask in hate and anger and vengeance maybe the world will see what they are doing. I feel I’m alone in this stardust. We’ll see after I give myself more time to heal from this fiasco of a world. I WILL come out SHINING and still love myself when I look in the mirror. 

Isaiah 61:10 “I will greatly rejoice in the LORD, my soul shall be joyful in my God; for he hath clothed me with the garments of salvation, he hath covered me with the robe of righteousness, as a bridegroom decketh himself with ornaments, and as a bride adorneth herself with her jewels.”

Letting go

Isa. 38:18 For the grave cannot praise thee, death can not celebrate thee: they that go down into the pit cannot hope for thy truth.

Letting Go…

On October 16^th my dad went into the hospital. Being so far away is hard but I imagine not as much pressure as on the ones who have to be there day in and day out and watch the lighthouse of their life crumble before their eyes. When he went in he had told my mother that he wouldn’t be coming back home. She just shrugged it up to his tiredness.

Like water in a clogged drain, my father kept going down, slowly and exhaustively. My mother was tiring but kept holding on to the threads of her husband who was once vital in their daily walk of life. For sixty years they were one for each other. No one else in the world seemed to exist and he was her lighthouse that she sought out in the dark.

By the 23^rd she held onto hope that he would be coming home, not in the condition he went in but much worse off than what he was before entering the hospital. Her daily visits to the hospital, by either my sister or brother, were tiring for her but she kept going on, no matter what, she was holding onto hope that he’d be coming home.

I’ve called twice a day for the last two weeks and what I heard on the other end was not good. He had slept and slept and on a rare occasion would wake then drift off to sleep. He went from ICU to a ‘room’ then back to ICU and then back to a room.

Ironically his first room number was 405. Our address growing up and where we resided for almost 30 years was 1405. The next room he was put in was 317, the time of my first child’s birth/death. Also, it was the same floor and same hospital where my grandmother died one room over in 316 a few years ago.

My feeling in my sunken heart was that this is it; this will be the week my father dies. I cried, I sobbed like a baby, hoping beyond hope my feelings were wrong. By the 25^th my mother had seen a ray of hope, my dad sat up and talked. He sat in the chair (as opposed to lying helpless in the bed) and conversed. By Sunday he was back to sleeping hours on end, not looking as good as he had the day before.

By Monday the 26^th there was talk of putting him in a hospice because there was nothing they could do. He was now seeing people who weren’t there and talking gibberish in his sleep. They were going to take him off the defibrillator because his heart is being overworked. The doctor said this is a painful step as his oxygen is minimal and his heart is pumping at abnormal rates. His blood pressure would drop to a deathly low then soar to an astronomical high. Would he make it through the night? The doctor’s and all around him said no!

The call came in that they had to make a decision to turn the defibrillator off. I spoke to my mother and said is this what you want. After I told her to let him go in peace not pain and the conversation ended with he’d be taken off the life source keeping him alive.

I called my brother, the black sheep whom no one has conversed with, and told him the defibrillator would be turned off and that he wasn’t expected to make it through the night. We cried, we laughed, we spoke of old times, and we mourned. I hung up the phone and drained remaining tears as I let my father go. I would sit and wait impatiently for the call that my father had passed. It never came.

Instead, at nine p.m my mother called and said they DIDN’T turn the defibrillator off. My father had awakened and said not to touch it, he just wanted to go home. This is something impossible since they can’t send the machine home with him to keep him alive. I believe there is another aspect of… affordability. The hospital has done all it can, told the family the options, and they are releasing him to the unknown. Ten to fifteen hours of sleep, the machine alone keeping him alive, pain and suffering abound, the heart and lungs trying to pump the very last second of life as the host lay waiting to take his last breath.

My mother said he was not supposed to make it through the night even with the defibrillator keeping him alive. My day and night was spent mourning like a baby who lost their first puppy.

After calling my mother twice in the early morning and not getting an answer, wondering if he was alive or dead, I waited the entire day of the 27^th for ‘the phone call’ that never came. Instead at 5:30 she did call to tell me that they put him back in a room, #316 by the way, and that he was having hallucinations, unable to eat whole food because he was choking on it, then sleeping for hours on end.

I’ve struggled with the decision to put him at rest but it had to be done to face the inevitable. I woke feeling a peace around me because I had let my father go. I don’t know where his destination will end, I cannot be certain because his destination is his; it is between him and God

Today the 28^th they will decide to put my father in a hospice against his wishes (remember he just wants to go home), to live basically on life support. The ones back home have had to make this heart wrenching decision. I cannot fathom what they are enduring and the guilt of not being there is sometimes overwhelming but I feel peace because I’ve done the hardest part on my end and that is… I let my father go.

Lam. 1:20 Behold, O LORD; for I am in distress: my bowels are troubled; mine heart is turned within me; for I have grievously rebelled: abroad the sword bereaveth, at home there is as death.