Thursday, April 14, 2016

Working Through Resentment

1 Sam. 2:3 “Talk no more so exceeding proudly; let not arrogancy come out of your mouth: for the LORD is a God of knowledge, and by him actions are weighed.”

Working through resentment is a tough pill to swallow. It is so hard to just forgive and let go but this is truly what I’m trying to do, if only the pain didn’t go so deep. I feel like I’m swimming in an ocean with no life preserver and I’m sinking due to the weight of resentment laying heavy on me at this time. 

I resent having to eliminate much of my facebook feed to only see three or four friends that I KNOW aren’t out to butt kiss and show off. They’re actual people with things to say and post things of actual interest to me. I think the root of the problem is my actual resentment towards facebook for not being a friendly place anymore and just being a load of political zombie garbage that no one wants to take out, they just dump it in the ocean and swim. 

“You must not lose faith in humanity. Humanity is like an ocean; if a few drops of the ocean are dirty, the ocean does not become dirty.” 
― Mahatma Gandhi

Who would’ve thought that Gandhi would be helping me out in this? Not me that’s for sure but I don’t judge a man because of his faith and religion and I admire a man of words, real words. But I’m sure there is someone out there ready to chide me for my choices. Oh well, such is life.

“With each opportunity before me, God presented me with a choice. I could accept His offerings, His wisdom, His grace. Or I could choose to hold onto the pain, the anger and the resentment a little longer.” 
― Sharon E. Rainey

I could go on and on of the list of the resentment war path that has curled up inside of me like a snake warming itself but seriously I’d rather work through the resentment and find a healing place where I can find solace and be free to think of my own fruition instead of having to daily build walls. But please know I do have someone ready to clean up the mess I leave behind. God is by my side all the way and I find He wants this healing from me too. He’s brought along the shovel so as we climb the mountain together we can shovel this mess over the side of a cliff and release it to the air.

I can in good conscience say this didn’t all start with the political postings that get on my last nerve, no this began when I lost my father and I’ve had a hard time dealing with the surfacing of resentment that bubbled up from the pit. 

Mrs. Peppity-Pep Goodie-two-shoes is pooped out. I’m tired, I’m done. I just can’t put on the brave face and act like nothing bothers me when here lately looking at me the wrong way will get you your head chopped off. People reach out their hand only to pull it back (fear of it being chopped off?) People know of my disability but they expect so much more than my pea brain can manage. They want to help but do nothing. How is offering to help someone by a few words helping someone, with no follow through?

My friends, I’ve said it before and I will say it time and time again that actions speak louder than words. Your actions hurt people more than help. I was already struggling not to go down into the pit but add the hate-spewers to the mix and they forced me into the pit like dunking my head under water and holding it there. Thank you. Now go on with your life pretending to be who you are not and feel good about yourself. Just know that your ignorance shines brighter than ANY scripture you can post. The bad/evil does not outweigh the good. 

I wanna be the one to walk in the sun, oh yeah, I just wanna have fun. Oh yeah I just wanna have fun. ~ similar to Cyndi Lauper’s, Girls Just Wanna Have Fun. 

Am I still grieving? No, my dad is at peace and I find peace in knowing he is safe and happy. Am I depressed? Yes, the world suffocates me and I’m laughed at for my beliefs although I don’t carry that laughter with me, instead I carry God with me, the very one you claim to believe but do nothing to follow. Again, ACTIONS speak louder than WORDS.

I will lower my head for now and work through my resentment. I’ll work through the anguishing pain (another thing no one understands) and I’ll go forward into the spring with dandelion bouquets sprouted on my lawn and I will appreciate their beauty for all that they are!

I will read this poem below as daily as I pray. I will hear the words in my heart and I will find a healing place. Away from you, away from the negative flow, away from the pain burning inside me. 



Great people will always be mocked by those
Who feel smaller than them.
A lion does not flinch at laughter coming from a hyena.
A gorilla does not budge from a banana thrown at it by a monkey.
A nightingale does not stop singing its beautiful song
At the intrusion of an annoying woodpecker.
Whenever you should doubt your self-worth, remember the lotus flower.
Even though it plunges to life from beneath the mud,
It does not allow the dirt that surrounds it
To affect its growth or beauty.
Be that lotus flower always.
Do not allow any negativity or ugliness
In your surroundings
Destroy your confidence,
Affect your growth,
Or make you question your self-worth.
It is very normal for one ugly weed
to not want to stand alone.
Remember this always.
If you were ugly,
Or just as small as they feel they are,
Then they would not feel so bitter and envious
Each and every time they are forced
To glance up at magnificently
Divine YOU.
― Suzy Kassem

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