Sight Unseen

Psalm 90:4 For a thousand years in thy sight are but as yesterday when it is past, and as a watch in the night.

***

This is the emotions attached to the accident continued, if you all have been reading.

Steven wants me to get back in the saddle again, as much as I hate it, I have to agree, if I don’t get back, I’ll lose myself in the pit of depression, anxiety and fear. All things I’ve fought and overcome throughout my lifetime and here I am faced with it yet again, beckoning at my doorstep. I need time to heal but time is NOT being allotted me. I’m ‘supposed’ to just ‘get over it’, with all due respect.

We named the truck Destiny, the year she was purchased, many years ago in 2003 before Steven and I had met in person. I called her Destiny because it was that White Knight that was going to come and save me, although she was dark blue. She was going to whisk me away from the treacherous life I had been living and take me to a place warm and safe.

She made it across many states, to Maryland and then back to the land of Texas. Destiny made it to Nebraska for a wedding, back to Texas, up to Nebraska again for a funeral and back to Texas. A few more Nebraska trips and back to Texas. She’s run the gamut of successes. I always talk to her as if she is a living breathing entity and on the day of my accident I was telling her how sorry I was for wrecking her.

She gets pulled out of the ditch, and in her greatness, starts right up. That’s my Destiny. Now as I know she has to be fixed and overhauled, she’ll shine in her greatness and ride once again. What I’m wondering is, will I be in the drivers seat?

What I do know is that my destiny (future) is unknown just as the trucks. We’ll both heal and move on but will our paths continually collide? This we never know. I’m tired of the unknown. Hurt by the uncertainty. I will shine once again in my greatness and ride off once again. No white Knight this time, no warmth surrounding me, just my heart and soul.
My illusions have been shattered.

Can you tell I’ve sunken into the pit of depression? This is not me, just so you know. I’m the strong one who gets through these tough times with God gallantly carrying me on his shoulder. My Destiny is laid out, and the truck is just a truck.  To Steven, the truck is his baby. Men are different with their cars/trucks. I see the accident playing over and over and he sees how much this is going to cost him. Money we don’t have, money that will keep him from going to the doctors, money, money, money! As he loses faith, I am empowered by the very force that saved me.

I am a living breathing entity. This much I’m sure about.

You know, I realized something throughout all these years, I cost more than I’m worth. :(

Back to writing on Monday, hopefully.

The Accident...

Job 17:7 Mine eye also is dim by reason of sorrow, and all my members are as a shadow.


Well friends, I said I’d write about my life if something came in an upheaval. This warrants an upheaval of my life.

I was in an accident yesterday. I’m out on a farm, dirt roads either way for at least 2-3 miles. I was doing about 35 MPH when I hit a wet patch on the road, swerving left, right, left, right. Something came over the truck and a force grabbed the wheel turning me left, placing me into an embankment of water. Had I swerved right, I would have smacked right into a telephone pole. Adam (my 14 yr. old son) and I would probably not have walked away with bruises had we pounded the truck into a pole.

The airbags exploded in our faces, smoke billowed, and stench filled the air.  “Are you alright Adam?” Was my first words that screamed out of my mouth. “Are we dead?” I saw so much smoke, I later joked about us both winding up in hell together since there was so much smoke!

My face felt like I was hit with an iron frying pan. I unloosened my seat belt, Adam did the same. We opened the door to step out into two or three feet of cold water. Adam scurried to get the books out of the back of the truck. We had been on our way to the library and food shopping. He climbed the embankment, placed the books down and came back to help me, my little hero.

My feet were sinking deeper and deeper in the mud and my head was spinning. Instant headache and oh how my face hurt. I reached back into the truck to find my purse and Adam found it, handed it to me. I placed it over my shoulder and headed toward the back of the truck.

My shoe came off, I managed to get it back on my foot and pull it out of the mud, only I couldn’t find my bearings to get across the three foot ravine. Adam reached out and helped me over and we both clawed our way to the top, about five or six feet high, of the embankment.

We’re at the top now hollering for help, our faces burning with pain. Adam had blood running down his face and I immediately went to inspect him. “Are you okay?” shivering, I asked. “YES!” he screamed, “What happened?” tears were now flowing and as we looked off into the distance a truck was coming and we both waved our hands unnecessarily because he was already coming to a stop. “You need help?”

“It just happened. I don’t know what to do.” He told us to get in his truck, he would drive us home. We were wet and muddy, but he didn’t care. Instead of home, he stopped at the nearest farm to see if anyone there could help. They called a sheriff and a wrecker to come dig us out of the mud. My tears and fear would not stop.

More tears as we waited on the side of the road. I had called Steven, my beau, from the truck and I kept thinking how he would hate me for doing this to his truck. He didn’t hate me, he asked if we were both okay.

The man had to go to work. The wait...wet, cold, windy as all get out; face burning, more tears, worry, tears, pain, more tears. The sheriff and then the wrecker arrived almost an hour later. They got the truck out of the ravine and the wrecker guy said, “Your truck don’t come off of my truck until you pay, a hundred and fifty or more.”
“I just want my truck home, can you get it back to our farm, right up the road?” I said, shivering still. “Oh and can you take a check or credit card?” Money we do not have!
“Yeah sure.”  Wow, sympathy flowed from him like a dry damn.

I’m home. I ran into Stevens arms like a baby to her momma! More tears, more pain. I’m alive. Now the affects take shape and form. Can the truck be saved? With Steven blind, and our truck the only form of transportation for us to get ANYwhere, we’ll need all the strength we can muster, once again. Now I need to physically and mentally heal.

Prayers will help too because I believe in the power of prayer. Now I wonder...what is God up to? Everything happens for a reason, right?

Prov. 15:23 A man hath joy by the answer of his mouth: and a word spoken in due season, how good is it!