Not Good

Pss. 63:3 “Because thy lovingkindness is better than life, my lips shall praise thee.”

When people ask me how I’m doing, like everyone else I say fine. They’re happy with that and offer me to ‘keep it up’! I’m not lying I just don’t want to get into the gist of what I feel is a failure. My husband, son, and mother-in-law don’t see it as a failure but I do. I feel like I’ve let myself an everyone else down. I come down pretty hard on myself.

I’m lying to myself more than anything. I want to be fine and believe I’m going to be fine but getting from point ‘A’ to point ‘B’ is a whole different matter. I accepted the easier of the chemo routes meaning not the kind where they slice, dice, and radiate you, then place what they call a ‘port’ under my skin to fester. The port is the loading dock for the poison they’d administer. No, I took lethal injection instead.

It has been nothing but lethal since the first ninety-minute injection where the side effects were tearing me up from the inside. They lied and told me it would get better; the chills and hard pain should subside with each dose and after the third dose I see no change in side effects except them getting worse. Had Allison been more concerned with the patient than the kickbacks from the Femara she kept trying to push, maybe she would have known about the swelling.

The last visit I had was two weeks ago and Allison, whom I think is the doctor’s assistant came in and saw me instead of the Dr. himself. I guess he was too busy and bears the weight of the patient load. For some reason when they ask you how you’re doing, and you tell them, they spin your words. 

“I’m not good. I’m in a lot of pain from side effects,” I say.

“Oh, they get better with time. Some women don’t even know they’re getting chemo. So, why don’t you want Femara?” There it is, the sale of drugs.

“Well, I know I don’t like the side effects, but I’ll push on. Not with Femara though, something milder the doctor offered.” 

The argument. “Chemo has saved millions of lives, you know?”

“I’m not getting into this conversation, it upsets me.” She knows this, I’ve seen her before. She pressed on until I was in tears and she was (unapologetically) apologizing. She knew what she was doing. They push the fear and scare tactic buttons until you’re a hot mess. Needless to say, she didn’t check my heart, my swelling, or my pulse, all that are normal things to check for in a visit. She was too busy trying to sell her drug.

I was going to give this weeks Herceptin a try, so off I went for my thirty-minute poison pump, where they pump the ‘juice’ into my veins. Afterward, at home, I ate and thought all was right with the world, I was feeling good, then the pain came like a freight train barreling down the tracks. I’ll never eat again, is what I said over and over in tears, wrapped in a blanket, and now in bed at five in the afternoon. This was the norm when coming home from the chemo trips.

A couple more days followed suit and it hit me, that since my first treatment what was once a vital woman was now a shell, a crippled woman trying to make it through each day. I was waking sad, sore and depressed. I couldn’t do my exercises that for seven months I’d been doing. I was just wheeling through the house, using my walker too, but the cane… it became a hindrance and I haven’t used it in nine weeks, almost twelve weeks.

Now when people ask how I’m doing I say, “Not good.” I just can’t lie. When I said I was doing okay, I was! I was walking, exercising, cold or not I got out of the house, intermingled with human beings, I was good. WAS being the operative word. Say your not and poof, everyone disappears. They’ll be back when the word is ‘good’ again. Not good is negative (I know) and brings them down. I don’t blame them.

My mother-in-law emailed me last week and asked if she could come out for a visit, bring me some flowers (for the outside) and I said YES!! Need anything? FRESH RIPE tomatoes! Lol So I was getting a visitor besides my son! Wouldn’t you know, we had so much rain the roads are a muddy mess. It was warm that day and she wore shorts and I told her, this week you’ll be bringing the coats back out! We are all in amazement of this crazy weather. Surprising tornadoes in the city of Lincoln, rain, high winds, cold, chill, floods again, if not, washed out roads! Just a mess, just not a frozen solid ground mess.

Then last week the pain hit me hard. I was having adverse reactions and needed to call the doctors office and let them know. I wrote about the ‘normal side effects a few weeks ago, like sleep problems, nausea, muscle pain, abdominal pain, loss of appetite, tiredness and more, so many more. But there were also the bad side effects. I remembered the swelling but needed to look and see what else I had.

Serious Reactions:
bone pain,
increased coughing,
swelling of the hands/ankles/feet, MY ONE FOOT IS SWELLED LIKE A BALLOON
sudden unexplained weight gain,
unusual tiredness, I FEEL SLEEPING TWELVE AND FIFTEEN HOURS IS NOT NORMAL
severe headache,
tingling or numbness, MY LEFT-HAND GOES NUMB/ NECK TINGLY
mental/mood changes,  I THOUGHT IT WAS NORMAL MENOPAUSE CRUD
fast or pounding heartbeat, and  YES
easy bruising or bleeding.           YES (WHERE’D THAT COME FROM)

I  called and told the nurse Navigator I was experiencing adverse reactions. She said to rest and put my foot up and see if that helps. It did for a couple of nights but that was it. Only my left foot is swelled. And… and… “I’ll take care of the scrip for ya. Ok, bye.” This malpractice is in their court, not mine!

I’m giving up on Herceptin and to me feels like I failed. But wait I didn’t, the DRUGS did!

I know I didn’t, and everyone will tell me so. I go this week for what the docs office thinks is a Herceptin trip and to their surprise, they’re getting me and all my adverse reactions, FINALLY, but no more Herceptin, on to a new plan, Doc! I hope I make it that far, until Wednesday!

There’s more going on that I need to tell you, I’ll call extenuating circumstances! 

TO BE CONTINUED….

Pss. 119: 78 “Let the proud be ashamed; for they dealt perversely with me without a cause: but I will meditate in thy precepts.”

Pss. 119:17 “Deal bountifully with thy servant, that I may live, and keep thy word.”

God Bless!

Change is Coming

Isaiah 26:9 (NIV)

My soul yearns for you in the night; in the morning my spirit longs for you. When your judgments come upon the earth, the people of the world learn righteousness.

Change is Coming

Change is coming in the air like a veiled morning fog. I can see it in the spiraling leaves being swept by the wind. I can feel it in the temperatures ever changing with the season. I can smell it blowing in the air the sweet scent of change that will wash over me as a waterfall.

I felt the change coming and I wanted it to be swift but as you know, my plans are not Gods plans and here I sit today on my 201st post of the year as I barrel toward my 203rd goal of posts so I can rest. After this post, I will end with Quotation Saturday and Poetry Sunday, then be on my way to Holy day. I’ve watched as my stats flew through the roof this year and as I love my supportive friends very much, facebook was not the only source that had me soaring. 

I’ve had to bear a lot this year as people have either liked or disliked what I’ve said and it’s been an interesting year tolerating what all of you have either said or not said. Now it is my turn to reflect on me not what others do or say or how they acted and reacted. It has been a year of scars and blemishes by people knowingly or unknowingly saying things that cut me and now I must go and heal. The New Year cannot come without my healing taking place. 

I tried to stay away from Social Media when it got too bad, the news when it got too loud, and the world when it got too hard. I’ve seen friends disappear and new friends emerge. All in all the year has been good to me, pain wise and otherwise, I’ve survived.

I feel like a lone wolf who’s been caught in a bear trap, freed and released to wander in the wilderness among the animals of the forest. Sorry humans, for relinquishing you to the animal species, but I have not seen much humanistic display this year; I’ll have to dig and look back to see if any existed.

I won’t get back to you on that because the change calls for me to find a nice cove to hibernate in peeking out only to retrieve nourishment to sustain me through the winter. Nourishment to my soul can only be found one way and it isn’t anywhere connected to a screen and keyboard. 

I have some serious health issues to contend with in the coming new year but I’m not at liberty to go into anything before the holiday season. Maybe that will be my new year blog beginning seeking out people who relate to what I’m experiencing but for now, my little semi-hibernation cove will have to do. 

My Thanksgiving will be spent in thankfulness with my husband. We’re not going to have a humongous meal like in prior years just something simple where we have plenty of leftovers for the next day, not the next month. My son will have to work on turkey day from nine to five so it will be a bit different by not having him in the house as my helper. 

I know what you’re thinking, working on Thanksgiving Day? Well, he’ll be out of a job in a couple of weeks because of the store closing down so he’s trying to make all the money he can to prepare for the interim of joblessness. As of December 2, he’ll have been there five months and the young man has worked his heart out in those five months, so I can put away any selfishness I have in wanting him home as I find a new way of life in the empty nest.

I’ll also be preparing for new ventures in the coming year so during this holiday season I’ll be enjoying the breathing room necessary to carry me through the lone wolf syndrome. May you enjoy the sights, sounds, aromas, tastes and magnificent wonders of a Holy Season and always remember when you’re feeling selfish, greedy, and prideful that Jesus sacrificed His life for you so you would think of others before yourself. 

God Bless You ALL!

1 Timothy 6:6-10 (NIV)

But godliness with contentment is great gain. For we brought nothing into the world, and we can take nothing out of it. But if we have food and clothing, we will be content with that. People who want to get rich fall into temptation and a trap and into many foolish and harmful desires that plunge men into ruin and destruction. For the love of money is a root of all kinds of evil. Some people, eager for money, have wandered from the faith and pierced themselves with many griefs.

Helpless!

4 Ezra 2:27 “Be not weary: for when the day of trouble and heaviness cometh, others shall weep and be sorrowful, but thou shalt be merry and have abundance.”

HELPLESS

There is no other word to describe how I’m feeling right now. Helpless! One single word. Oh, I’m feeling a river of emotions but helpless is at the top of my list.

I’ll start with… my dad is dying. Don’t be so negative you might say but as you my readers well know, I’m the optimistic one. I always see the bright spot in any given circumstance and I’m struggling so hard to dig through the gray mire and find some sunshine to cling to here.

A little background: My dad had heart surgery twenty years ago and he’s had a stent placed on an artery of his heart, he’s survived throat cancer, five years clean now, and he also suffers with emphysema. He’s been on oxygen for quite awhile now and last week he was taken to the emergency room because he couldn’t breath, his oxygen wasn’t working. He was told to use the oxygen when necessary and my dad used it 24/7. Little did he know that THAT was doing more harm than good.

A little over a month ago when he had his visit with the Cardiologist, the doctor looked at him and said, “I can’t believe you’re still alive.” You see, all the x-rays show my dad has a heart that looks like a mangled car wreck but it is still driving.

Last Friday, as the doctor did his work, and the nurses did theirs, day after draining day I sat here feeling helpless. You see, I can’t just hop on a plane and go see my father. I’ve made ample use of my phones free minutes on the weekend and the not free minutes during the week. I have called and talked to him, talked to my mother and well… no one wants me home for fear my father will get the impression that he’s dying. If everyone comes and sees him, since no one sees him while he’s alive, coming to visit will surely speak volumes that he is near death.

Tuesday my mother had offered to pay for my trip back home but later when I told her the astronomical airfare prices, she quickly said, “I can’t afford that!” I understood but was hurt nonetheless. I think I overestimated the quote I gave her not knowing $1500 was for three adults, three days, round trip.  And that is not including the hotel I’d need to stay at or the rental car that we’d need. No, going home just isn’t an option.

Then there’s MY disability that would hinder travel. I can’t just be squished onto a tight-seated plane with the arthritis in my back. A three hour car drive to Omaha then boarding the plane to fly two or more hours only to have a layover in N.C. to take off again for another two hours of flying to Baltimore. After the flight I’d never be able to walk off the plane, with limited legroom, I’d definitely need a wheelchair. That is NOT how I want to visit my father, with not nearly enough time to ‘visit’.

Helpless! There IS no solution except prayer.

I had said on my Family Facebook page, “I might never get to see my family again.”

My sister retorted, “That was YOUR choice.”

Yes, I chose to leave Hell! I chose to find LOVE even if it took my last breath I would find and KNOW what love is, what family is all about, what my God had planned for me and I would not look back. Yes, MY CHOICE! That wasn’t my reply to her but something similar. I wrote, “Yes, I wanted to see what REAL love was and I found it.”

A dear friend who I confided in told me, “Joni, you don’t need that family, you have your family right there with you and your spiritual family to uphold you.”

He was right. As hard as it may be NOT going home to put my father to rest. I am at peace knowing that he knows I’ve found what I was looking for and he can die a happy man.

After writing, I don’t feel so helpless. Thank you sweet Jesus!

4 Ezra 12:5 Lo, yet am I weary in my mind, and very weak in my spirit; and little strength is there in me, for the great fear wherewith I was afflicted this night.

Truth

Pss. 25:5 Lead me in thy truth, and teach me: for thou art the God of my salvation; on thee do I wait all the day.

Truth

The truth shall set you free. Ever heard that one before? A lot of people think they are speaking the truth when in essence they are spreading gossip and enjoying the falseness of a twisted truth.

The definition of truth is this:

the true or actual state of a matter:

a verified or indisputable fact, proposition, principle, or the like:

an obvious or accepted fact; truism; platitude.

honesty; integrity; truthfulness

I watch helplessly as people proclaim knowing the truth, spread it around like salt on ice, preach it as if they themselves were the Lord of all knowing. This is sad. I watch as people lie for a laugh, make fun of people to get a rise out of the sinful because there is no way the Christian will sit and make fun of people and enjoy the laughter. Or would they?

These so-called Christians give real Christianity and all the positive aspects of being a true Christian a bad name. God does not lie, Jesus does not lie, so when I say a so-called Christian I say so because these people think that lying is part of their Christian belief system thus mocking Christianity and all of the goodness it serves in society.

I am a sinner. Have I ever lied? Yes I have. But do I spew lies to get people talking just so they like me and I’ll seem popular? NEVER! My soul is worth much more than freely giving in to the vermin of society who need lies to form the person they are. I am a changed woman because of my Christianity. I’m not the same person I was and to me, these so-called Christians are the same people they always were just with a title attached to themselves to be more likeable.

They come in sheep clothing; appearing to be all good and gooey inside like the chocolate covered cherries?  But in the end, those chocolate covered cherries are bad for you no matter how good and tasty they appear. People have allowed themselves to be the worm on the hook. They’re bait and the innocent fish devours the bait. The man holding the rod? Well he’s just an innocent man wanting to eat you is all. Sounds good doesn’t it?

John 14: 6 Jesus saith unto him, I am the way, the truth, and the life: no man cometh unto the Father, but by me.

The Way -- meaning by LIVING and believing

The Truth -- meaning not through lies or deceit

The Life -- meaning eternal life

I do love the way that people twist the truth to fit their agenda. An example, the media starts to breed the hate, the suckers eat it up and spew it out for those who do not care for hidden agendas, but by dangnammit, they’ll make you care because after all, they read it, it must be true so spew away, getting others to feed with you. Little lost sheep is what I think they are. I lose all respect for the lost ones. I’ll still care to see them do right but I am not the one who can change a person.

I think it’s a sad day when a man must use manipulation to get HIS truth out there. We as a nation are in a battle with the evil one and it is our duty to fight the dark that wants to swallow us whole.

Do you not see that by spreading propaganda, you are doing the dark ones work? You’ll even have yourself believing it is for the greater good but satan knows otherwise and so does God. He’s shaking his head thinking after all He has done for this world, we can still be manipulated and led by the force that causes you to gossip and twist the truth to your needs.

That’s it isn’t it? They are YOUR needs and YOUR wants, you could care less what God wants.

2 Thess. 2:7 For the mystery of iniquity doth already work: only he who now letteth will let, until he be taken out of the way.

Eph. 2:2-3 Wherein in time past ye walked according to the course of this world, according to the prince of the power of the air, the spirit that now worketh in the children of disobedience:
Among whom also we all had our conversation in times past in the lusts of our flesh, fulfilling the desires of the flesh and of the mind; and were by nature the children of wrath, even as others.

I have to take myself away from the places that try to lure me into their false beliefs. I find myself getting angry and turmoil boils inside my veins but also because I watch as my friends succumb and there is nothing I can do. They want me to partake of the anger and hatred they spew and I’ll be no part of it. I will not accept some of the liars spew because by accepting some I am accepting all.

I will bow out quietly and resurface when God calls on me. Maybe there are stronger folks who can let it roll off their shoulders but I am not that strong at this time. I’m ripe for the venom to snap at me and try to bait me. This is me being strong.

May the Lord God Almighty be with you all, even the little lost sheep.