Not Good

Pss. 63:3 “Because thy lovingkindness is better than life, my lips shall praise thee.”

When people ask me how I’m doing, like everyone else I say fine. They’re happy with that and offer me to ‘keep it up’! I’m not lying I just don’t want to get into the gist of what I feel is a failure. My husband, son, and mother-in-law don’t see it as a failure but I do. I feel like I’ve let myself an everyone else down. I come down pretty hard on myself.

I’m lying to myself more than anything. I want to be fine and believe I’m going to be fine but getting from point ‘A’ to point ‘B’ is a whole different matter. I accepted the easier of the chemo routes meaning not the kind where they slice, dice, and radiate you, then place what they call a ‘port’ under my skin to fester. The port is the loading dock for the poison they’d administer. No, I took lethal injection instead.

It has been nothing but lethal since the first ninety-minute injection where the side effects were tearing me up from the inside. They lied and told me it would get better; the chills and hard pain should subside with each dose and after the third dose I see no change in side effects except them getting worse. Had Allison been more concerned with the patient than the kickbacks from the Femara she kept trying to push, maybe she would have known about the swelling.

The last visit I had was two weeks ago and Allison, whom I think is the doctor’s assistant came in and saw me instead of the Dr. himself. I guess he was too busy and bears the weight of the patient load. For some reason when they ask you how you’re doing, and you tell them, they spin your words. 

“I’m not good. I’m in a lot of pain from side effects,” I say.

“Oh, they get better with time. Some women don’t even know they’re getting chemo. So, why don’t you want Femara?” There it is, the sale of drugs.

“Well, I know I don’t like the side effects, but I’ll push on. Not with Femara though, something milder the doctor offered.” 

The argument. “Chemo has saved millions of lives, you know?”

“I’m not getting into this conversation, it upsets me.” She knows this, I’ve seen her before. She pressed on until I was in tears and she was (unapologetically) apologizing. She knew what she was doing. They push the fear and scare tactic buttons until you’re a hot mess. Needless to say, she didn’t check my heart, my swelling, or my pulse, all that are normal things to check for in a visit. She was too busy trying to sell her drug.

I was going to give this weeks Herceptin a try, so off I went for my thirty-minute poison pump, where they pump the ‘juice’ into my veins. Afterward, at home, I ate and thought all was right with the world, I was feeling good, then the pain came like a freight train barreling down the tracks. I’ll never eat again, is what I said over and over in tears, wrapped in a blanket, and now in bed at five in the afternoon. This was the norm when coming home from the chemo trips.

A couple more days followed suit and it hit me, that since my first treatment what was once a vital woman was now a shell, a crippled woman trying to make it through each day. I was waking sad, sore and depressed. I couldn’t do my exercises that for seven months I’d been doing. I was just wheeling through the house, using my walker too, but the cane… it became a hindrance and I haven’t used it in nine weeks, almost twelve weeks.

Now when people ask how I’m doing I say, “Not good.” I just can’t lie. When I said I was doing okay, I was! I was walking, exercising, cold or not I got out of the house, intermingled with human beings, I was good. WAS being the operative word. Say your not and poof, everyone disappears. They’ll be back when the word is ‘good’ again. Not good is negative (I know) and brings them down. I don’t blame them.

My mother-in-law emailed me last week and asked if she could come out for a visit, bring me some flowers (for the outside) and I said YES!! Need anything? FRESH RIPE tomatoes! Lol So I was getting a visitor besides my son! Wouldn’t you know, we had so much rain the roads are a muddy mess. It was warm that day and she wore shorts and I told her, this week you’ll be bringing the coats back out! We are all in amazement of this crazy weather. Surprising tornadoes in the city of Lincoln, rain, high winds, cold, chill, floods again, if not, washed out roads! Just a mess, just not a frozen solid ground mess.

Then last week the pain hit me hard. I was having adverse reactions and needed to call the doctors office and let them know. I wrote about the ‘normal side effects a few weeks ago, like sleep problems, nausea, muscle pain, abdominal pain, loss of appetite, tiredness and more, so many more. But there were also the bad side effects. I remembered the swelling but needed to look and see what else I had.

Serious Reactions:
bone pain,
increased coughing,
swelling of the hands/ankles/feet, MY ONE FOOT IS SWELLED LIKE A BALLOON
sudden unexplained weight gain,
unusual tiredness, I FEEL SLEEPING TWELVE AND FIFTEEN HOURS IS NOT NORMAL
severe headache,
tingling or numbness, MY LEFT-HAND GOES NUMB/ NECK TINGLY
mental/mood changes,  I THOUGHT IT WAS NORMAL MENOPAUSE CRUD
fast or pounding heartbeat, and  YES
easy bruising or bleeding.           YES (WHERE’D THAT COME FROM)

I  called and told the nurse Navigator I was experiencing adverse reactions. She said to rest and put my foot up and see if that helps. It did for a couple of nights but that was it. Only my left foot is swelled. And… and… “I’ll take care of the scrip for ya. Ok, bye.” This malpractice is in their court, not mine!

I’m giving up on Herceptin and to me feels like I failed. But wait I didn’t, the DRUGS did!

I know I didn’t, and everyone will tell me so. I go this week for what the docs office thinks is a Herceptin trip and to their surprise, they’re getting me and all my adverse reactions, FINALLY, but no more Herceptin, on to a new plan, Doc! I hope I make it that far, until Wednesday!

There’s more going on that I need to tell you, I’ll call extenuating circumstances! 

TO BE CONTINUED….

Pss. 119: 78 “Let the proud be ashamed; for they dealt perversely with me without a cause: but I will meditate in thy precepts.”

Pss. 119:17 “Deal bountifully with thy servant, that I may live, and keep thy word.”

God Bless!

Thorn in the Flesh

2 Cor. 12:7 “And lest I should be exalted above measure through the abundance of the revelations, there was given to me a thorn in the flesh, the messenger of Satan to buffet me, lest I should be exalted above measure.”

Thorn in the Flesh

I come to you today friends with a thorn in my flesh. As much as I grumble and gripe I am humbled as I am being used by God. I often think of this journey I’m on and how hard the walk has been but I also think of Paul and how he must’ve felt. I know there are many people in the Bible, real human beings who felt the Lord had forgotten them, only to find that through the scorching flames of seeming hellfire, they were actually being used by God to deliver a message. 

I rise in the morning and settle down to read my morning devotion with a warm cup of coffee in my hand. I gaze out the window into the darkness and the light is yet to shine. I patiently wait, read and glean a message to write to you. Not every day do I write, some days I just sit in thought and relish my alone time with God.

When I look out into the world the hustle and bustle sometimes frightens me as everyone is scurrying around doing their own things. They have lives to busy themselves with and often the Lord is a passing thought, if ever a thought at all.

Deut. 32:5 “They have corrupted themselves, their spot is not the spot of his children: they are a perverse and crooked generation.”

I often think of how many generations have been lost to the crookedness of their path. Has any ever been in the clutch of God awakened? Are the people far and few between these days who take their role in this world serious?

We have become a world puffed up in vanity and conceit and find that serving a god, any god Higher or lower to be a chore of service that sometimes takes up too much of our time. In my affliction, my disease, I have nothing BUT time for Him because, to be honest, His world is such a pleasure to get lost in, as for this world, there is nothing but distress and disgust.

I find that here lately, there is an evil that tosses me about the shores of my walk. Every word I say is met with, ‘you’re wrong!’ or ‘you don’t know what you’re talking about!’ and with that puffiness, the waves wash away my footprints in the sand. But lo, I continue to walk.

As God is directing me in my steps, there are those that wish to push me in the water. They wish to see me disappear but I cannot go yet, my words are still required. And whether you want to read them, need to read them or enjoy reading them, please know, my path of pain is as much for you as it is for me.

I can’t give you all the answers you seek as no one is here handing me the easy answer either. But I do set for you a goal, a path that is possibly achieved if only you pull the veil from your head and let the mask of conceit be drowned. 

There is much work to be done. Change is not only desired but it is much needed during these times. There is no time to be lazy and blinded by your own ambitions.

2 Cor. 4:17 “For our light affliction, which is but for a moment, worketh for us a far more exceeding and eternal weight of glory.”

I see some out there laughing and scoffing, waving their pointed finger at me but I also see some out there scratching their heads and saying ‘I think she’s onto something’ and they grab hold and hope the airbags work in case a disaster should befall them. Not many are ready for the ride of their life.

I know I am not the only one being dipped in the flaming fire. But I am the rare one without a veil who is trying to show you how to weather these torrential storms. They might seem disastrous, noisy, downright uncomfortable, but rest assure, there IS hope on the other side.

Just because I don’t have the same search as you, just because you are wrapped up in your own conceit and think only YOU are right about everything, I’m here to tell you that you are amazingly wrong. Yes, I say that as my finger is poking you in the chest and pushing you back to your sitting down position! 

As you flop in the chair, listen up, LIFE IS NOT ABOUT YOU! Know that there is a force running alongside you building pedestals for you to stand on. Know that there is another force ready to knock you off that pedestal and plant you back into reality, whenever you’re ready.

As my spiritual nature has always known about the positive/negative energy having the ability to either drain you or lift you up, science finally agrees with me. I found another site that was on my newsfeed wall on Facebook. Be forewarned it has Native American belief system there. A people I greatly admire and respect, I might add.

Looking through the link above I may be labeled as a White Witch. Ironically, the writing group I frequent, the animal persona I chose was that of a White Wolf! Hmm… interesting.

For all of you saying, oh my goodness I can’t believe she said that she is a white witch. Maybe you need a lesson on what a witch is, a person with their Wits about them. Like marijuana, there is a stigma surrounding both. Yes, I’m off my rocker, cuckoo, crazy, insane and any other label you wish to stamp me with. And just so you know, I NEVER give myself a label. If I were to label myself, I’d say Spirit-filled, all the way!

From the link, all are true of me except for number nine, partially.

9 "They are ardent believers of the idea that just because we can’t see something with our own eyes doesn’t mean it doesn’t exist. This makes them believers in the power of magic."

I draw the line with number nine. I don’t believe for one moment in the power of magic! I believe in the strength of an all-powerful God, Father of Jesus, His Son! If the label of White Witch offends, so must the God of Heaven who parts a sea, or unleashes plagues, or watches His Son die for the unmoved man. 

Our world is defined by labels that people place around so they can read people to make themselves feel good about themselves. They say they are not judgmental but use words, even if they are floating in their subconscious mind, words like fat, ugly, snob, witch, bitch, rude crude, you name it, it feels better to you if you give it a label. Have you ever wondered about the labels given to Jesus? 

As we wind down our days to the Resurrection Sunday. Think! Think of all the words Jesus said while hanging on the cross. Hold close to your heart the very reason you believe or don’t believe. Try your hardest to release the stigmas you drown in, this is a new era, a new day is dawning. Think! As the thorn in my flesh is painfully evident for all to see, the Crown of Thorns worn on Jesus’ head holds more significance. He came, He walked, He lived, He died. Now, pray.

All praise and Glory to Him who holds my spirit cupped in His hands! 

Never stigmatize the world we live. Keep your mind open!

Dolphins at work. 

Rom. 15:13 “Now the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace in believing, that ye may abound in hope, through the power of the Holy Ghost.”

The Month I LOVE

Col 2:16-17 "Let no man therefore judge you in meat, or in drink, or in respect of an holyday, or of the new moon, or of the sabbath days:Which are a shadow of things to come; but the body is of Christ."

The Month I LOVE

The beginning of Lent starts, ironically on February 14th, the day of LOVE! You might ask why I care if I’m not Catholic, well I blogged about this over the years, Lent is a Christian holy season, not just a Catholic season. Ash Wednesday begins the Catholic celebration of Lent on the same day. 

Matt. 4: 1-4 "Then Jesus was led up by the Spirit into the wilderness to be tempted by the devil.   And after fasting forty days and forty nights, he was hungry.  And the tempter came and said to him, “If you are the Son of God, command these stones to become loaves of bread.”  But he answered, “It is written,

“‘Man shall not live by bread alone,

    but by every word that comes from the mouth of God.’”

For the past ten years or so I’ve fasted for Lent, not always giving up food, usually giving up meat, but this year I can’t do that because I’ve basically given up meat completely because of this disease.As in years past, I prayerfully ask for what I’m to give up this year, this is MY honor and respect to Him. This is MY ritual that you can laugh and tease me about. Every one of us praise, honor and worship differently, and this is one thing I somewhat have control over. Either I fast or I don't. It is totally my choice.

I feel I’ve been given my answer. With Google strong-arming the web searches I used for researching alternative treatments, and with their compadres Facebook being the schoolmarm, waving their ruler around correcting me with their sidekick Snopes (phony) fact checker, I feel more bullied than ever.

I think I’m being led by the Spirit into the wilderness, unknown terrain. It’s not unknown that I have a disease of a lifetime. I have my Spiritual family with their supporting arms all around me so the bullying tactic of the elitist might raise my blood pressure a bit, but it will not break me! I am not swayed by money, I cannot be broken by power, but my words are being noticed by someone to go as far as to flag an informative post, while other 'for the government' post get by with no problem. What a joke facebook has become. No longer a place for family and friends to get together.  

For Lent, if I give up posting my blog or sharing my journey on Facebook that will give the higher-ups the appearance that they’ve won. I don’t think Goliath knows me but they will. I may be small but my God is mightier than any earthly power, (and unearthly power for that matter.)

After February 14th I will retreat, an unnamed sabbatical will begin. I just need my friends to understand and respect this journey of mine. As they have always done in the past, they have given me nothing but the utmost respect, and support that’s why I keep them close. They make me laugh, smile and feel comfortable about this craggy journey. They let me know I’m not alone and never will be. 

While Lent will be signified by the day of love, Easter Sunday will be signified by the day of fools. How ironic is that? Lent begins February 14th, Valentine’s Day, Easter is on April 1st, April Fool’s Day! Now the jesters and jokesters of the world can have a field day mocking Christ, yet again.

Me, the little one, will be celebrating my New Year on April first. It is my marked significance of new life, a new beginning. I will rise from my dormancy healthier, wealthier and wiser. All praise and Glory to God, my God, whom hopefully I share with you.

I will not run, I will not stray, I most definitely will not fear!I am so done trying to mold my protocol to the likes of the naysayers who don't believe in anything but false idols. I may be quiet for a bit, a much needed time of reflection, a time to put in perspective the long journey I’ve left behind me and the new unchartered journey I walk forward into. My body has been put through the wringer. It doesn’t show to those who only read my words, it doesn't show in the smiles I give to people, but it shows when I look in the mirror or when I lay my head down for a long deserved nights rest. I feel it crawling slowly through my pained tendons and I’m left exhausted at the end of the day. When negativity seeps in, my tumor literally throbs! This is why I need negativity, and all of the harsh disagreeing with me as far away from me as possible.

Each morning I wake, refreshed ready to make the most of every breath in the day, and tackle whatever is thrown at me, with the slingshot in hand. This week it was mud where I never expected it to come from, Google, Facebook, and Snopes. I have to ignore the bullies, for now, I have too much work to do to be bothered by the negativity of the Giants of the world. 

I will move forward never looking back at what I leave behind in my dust. I’m on the right path and my Father has assured me, daily, that He is with me all the way…as well as my Spiritual Family cheering me on from a distance but always close in heart!

2 Tim. 1:3 “I thank God, whom I serve from my forefathers with pure conscience, that without ceasing I have remembrance of thee in my prayers night and day;”

My Doctor Visit

Pss. 6:2 “Have mercy upon me, O LORD; for I am weak: O LORD, heal me; for my bones are vexed.”

My Doctor Visit

Yesterday, many of you know I visited with my General Practitioner (GP from here on out). It was all that I expected from a doctor who actually cares about her patient and she didn’t let me down. 

I didn’t wait long in the nearly empty office that is usually bustling and as my name was called my heart raced a bit. Of course, my mind thinks good things but there is always that one little part that we all have that wonders what this visit will bring. 

I stepped on the dreaded scale in anticipation of what my forced diet would bring and to my surprise; I lost seven pounds in three - four weeks. That’s normal since I’ve had no carbs, no sugar, no meat and no dairy and a gallon of purified water a day. I’m an herbivore these days and it is paying off with energy, life, stamina, and peace.

The doctor came in and we talked. We talked about not doing chemo, and doing chemo, we talked about my illness and what I’m currently doing with my diet and exercise. She and the assistant were impressed that in four weeks (since I saw her last) I had changed so much!

She’d really like me to do chemo. It wasn’t the pressure I felt from the oncologist this was a subtle conversation between doctor/patient with eye to eye contact and compassion. I understood everything she said. I told her about the bad experience with the onc. and that we just didn’t click and I in no way said I ‘wasn’t committing’, I said I needed time!

She did say right off that my Breast Cancer doctor (remember, they’re colleagues/friends) had told her to keep an eye on me. That was the honesty I seek in a doctor, not an evasive reply. She offered that, I didn’t ask. I knew, but I still didn’t ask. That was her fifth or tenth brownie point in my eyes. 

She asked if I’d like to see another oncologist and I said YES, I’m not NOT committing, I need time to gather all the information I can. Her honesty showed again when she said, “I’m not a specialist in the field of oncology and that is who you really need to see to explain it more.” Monday the 27th, I’ll visit the new oncologist. He may also recommend a PET scan and I’m thinking, radiation and all, it might be for the best to know if the disease is spreading. I welcome your positive thoughts! Positive only!

We talked like old friends yet this was only my second time seeing her. She went on to tell me that this is a very successfully treated type of BC and that they have made great strides in treatment. Still only chemo treatments, but this time I was actually listening because she was actually taking the time to come down to my level, not putting on airs and putting herself above me.

She told me that all I’m doing with the vitamins and diet would only enhance the success of the chemo treatment and not hurt, I’d have to ask the new onc., but she was pretty sure. She said my mind, and my positive outlook can only be a good thing. Too many people go into this with, like I said before, that cancer is a ‘death sentence’.

She was also honest about the holistic healing. I asked why doctors don’t know about these things that can save lives and she made sense in her reply where the oncologist just brushed me off. This doctor said because most holistic remedies haven’t been studied long enough yet or are still in the testing stages and as a doctor, she can only offer what is within her realm of treatment. Chemotherapy is tried and true. I got it, it made sense to me, I understood where the medical community was coming from. 

What we talked about didn’t change my mind on getting chemo but it did give me something to think about. Yes, we even talked about the bad side effects of chemo, and she sided with there is more good than bad and I’m sticking with there is more bad than good, for now. 

Ezek. 34:4 “The diseased have ye not strengthened, neither have ye healed that which was sick, neither have ye bound up that which was broken, neither have ye brought again that which was driven away, neither have ye sought that which was lost; but with force and with cruelty have ye ruled them.” (sounds like chemo - TO ME)

I live in a state where the next oncologist available is forty miles away. Remember, when my hubby needed a cornea transplant the only place in the STATE is three and a half hours away. I grew up in a tiny little state, where there were MANY top-notch hospitals available within miles of each other, University of Maryland and Johns Hopkins just to name two. And out here they have nothing but cows and farmland in such a BIG state; nothing innovative to write home about here. 

Nebraskans seem offended when I say stuff like that but I’m not saying it to offend anyone, I’m just AMAZED, in the twenty-first century, that the nearest airport is (besides those tiny plane ones) is over an hour away and oncologists are separated by forty miles or more!

THIS is the reason I’m doing more research. THIS is the reason I NEED to do more research. I can’t just up and move to a new state so I HAVE to take what is offered me here but *I* feel more in control when I can make the decision on my own and not be forced into something I don’t believe. I feel like they are trying to brainwash me and have me join their cult of beliefs, but now, I have more understanding of where they are coming from with this GP visit.

I’m continuing on my journey, I’m trying to remain positive and also trying to rid ANYTHING I deem as negative out of my life. I’ve done this spiritual cleansing many times over my life but now I need to put to use all I’ve learned. On we go, my friends! I’m so glad I have you along for the ride, this is one mountain climbing excursion that I’m glad to not be on alone. I can’t thank you all enough but remember where I FEEL the love, my prayers bounce back to YOU! Win/win guys…now journey on! 

Gen. 24:21 “And the man wondering at her held his peace, to wit whether the LORD had made his journey prosperous or not.”

Bringing You The Fruit

Prov. 3:5-6 “Trust in the LORD with all thine heart; and lean not unto thine own understanding. In all thy ways acknowledge him, and he shall direct thy paths.”

The Week Begins…

Well, the week has arrived and I was scheduled for my doctor’s appointment barring any weather upsets that would keep me from going. I was a little nervous, not scared or worried just the normal what doctor’s deem ‘The White Coat Syndrome’. That’s when your anxiety heightens as well as blood pressure rises before and during the doctor visit. 

I think I was anxious because this wasn't just a routine exam where she’d look at me and give me a clean bill of health and send me on my way. No, this is more of the serious nature visit where you’ve found the dreaded lump and your mind reels with lies and stirs with emotions. 

I haven’t told my mother yet and for one reason only, first her mind doesn’t comprehend like it used to and second, I don’t need her negative spin on it for sure. She’ll just worry and think I’m dying of cancer, then tell me about her aunt and every other person who has died from cancer in my family (as if I don’t already know). I DO NOT need that kind of negative thought process! 

So today, the 24th I went and just as expected, I didn’t hear words I wanted to hear and wasn’t patted on the back and said good job, received a lollipop and sent on my way. No, today I heard words like biopsies and mammograms and further diagnosis. All of this I was expecting knowing the size of the lump in my breast. Tomorrow I go for a ‘consultation’ to hear what needs to be done then she’ll scoot me out the door to have my breast squeezed like oranges but I’m praying no juice comes out. Yes, I still have my sense of humor intact.

After reading an email (biblical of course) I think this very email was just what the doctor ordered for me today. It said something like God is pruning me. Have you ever seen a ripe peach tree with a bunch of peaches scattered on the ground? The tree is pruning itself of all the bad peaches or over-ripe ones. That’s sort of like me, I need pruning so my testimony of Christ is the proper fruit to go out to all of the people. I can’t give you all dead fruit so he is using my circumstances to give you an abundance of fresh fruit. 

From Ministry Today: 
“Jesus told his disciples that God acts as a gardener in the lives of those who claim him as Lord. He wants his followers to be abundant producers of good fruit, showing the world that they are children of God. But this is not enough. Instead of simply harvesting the fruit that is produced, the Lord grabs a pair of pruning shears and begins to trim the branches. A little here, a little there, until he is satisfied with the end result.

John 15:8 “Herein is my Father glorified, that ye bear much fruit; so shall ye be my disciples.”

My take on the whole situation is God deems me worthy to prune. I’m not just a fruit producer spouting off scripture; I’m a living testimony of God and His masterful plan. I’m not taking lightly the diagnosis of ‘biopsies’ and ‘treatment’, I see it as bringing you fresh ripe fruit for the picking. 

Gal. 5:22-23 But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, longsuffering, gentleness, goodness, faith, Meekness, temperance: against such there is no law.

I had every intention of leaving my blog behind in the New Year to focus on my writing, my fictional writing and me. I guess God had other plans. He wants me to continue bringing you His Word so that you yourself can savor the juiciness of hope and love. 

While the world bathes in hate, while people spit off everything wrong with the world and people sling mud to feel good about themselves, I’m claiming my ministry of bringing God to you and possibly bring you to God. 

Don’t you see, the power of LOVE is stronger than any hatred you can sling. You can try to affect people with your mudslinging but the power of God is more powerful than any anger and hatred you try to stick on people. Your hate is laughed at, God is not mocked!  

My journey continue…

Philippians 4:6-9  “Be careful for nothing; but in every thing by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known unto God. And the peace of God, which passeth all understanding, shall keep your hearts and minds through Christ Jesus. Finally, brethren, whatsoever things are true, whatsoever things are honest, whatsoever things are just, whatsoever things are pure, whatsoever things are lovely, whatsoever things are of good report; if there be any virtue, and if there be any praise, think on these things. Those things, which ye have both learned, and received, and heard, and seen in me, do: and the God of peace shall be with you.”

HOPE

Job 14:7 “For there is hope of a tree, if it be cut down, that it will sprout again, and that the tender branch thereof will not cease.”

HOPE

I hear over and over the hope echoing in the world, behind fear there lays HOPE. The haters, the finger-pointers, the name callers (calling someone stupid, whiny, libtard is indeed name calling) are no different instilling fear and anger than anyone else out there destroying property, it’s okay because there are tons of people ready to back up your fear and enmity that you spew with PRAYER and HOPE!

I’d like to see the world bow in prayer. I have hope that the few can change the many. While I was never a part of the massive amount of animosity that people (republicans AND democrats) spewed, I sat back and took it all in and watched as the cookie crumbled, so to speak.

In the movie Oh God when Jerry (John Denver) asked why God chose him to deliver the message to the people, God replied, “why not?” People today do not want to hear that ‘God placed something on a person’s heart’ or hear them utter ‘what God has shown me’ it’s all hokey to them because God isn’t showing them personally anything and it undermines the years they’ve put into this religion and God stuff. 

It isn’t my fault I sense and see things others don’t; I didn’t create me. It IS my fault that I’m so filled with the Holy Spirit that I see hope where disaster lay. I do blame myself for bringing you a message of hope when everyone (believer and non-believer) are wallowing in an ego and arrogant display of one-upmanship in their own life. I also hear bellows of an ‘entitled generation’, to my eyes, you’re displaying the ego generation.

Luke 8:10 “And he said, Unto you it is given to know the mysteries of the kingdom of God: but to others in parables; that seeing they might not see, and hearing they might not understand.”

I’m not going to apologize because I don’t allow outside influences to shape my thoughts and being. My mind is shaped BY the Spirit, FOR the Spirit and my hope lies IN the Spirit!

John 12:45 “And he that seeth me seeth him that sent me.”

I often wonder why I was raised in a bustling city for thirty-some-odd years (Baltimore, Maryland) only to be led to a bigger city for 6 years (Dallas, Texas) to be led out in the middle of nowhere (Nebraska) for seven years, so far. But I SEE the bigger picture, and I’m not asking you to see it. I share it with you but even then you don’t see what I’m trying to show you. Life is like that, a person comes along and tries to help you along and stubbornness and arrogance jump in, to cloud your view and all you allow is your ego to drive you into the unneeded rhetorical hate!

I AM an optimist! I like and I love. I sometimes love so much it hurts and wonder if this is the way Jesus felt. He knew God brought Him into the world, He knew God led His life from infancy, and before. There were believers following Him and non-believers slashing Him and flogging Him, but He STILL walked to the cross to be hung because He had HOPE in changing man so they could live eternally and not just rot and die. He gave us purpose although not everyone can see what purpose they have in this life.

Isa. 41:11 “Behold, all they that were incensed against thee shall be ashamed and confounded: they shall be as nothing; and they that strive with thee shall perish.”

Hope is in the world today in the innocent newborn child. Hope is breathing inside a family that still connects and loves you. Hope is alive and well where LOVE is home to dwell. It isn’t a matter of who’s right and who’s wrong. It all boils down to loving your neighbor, helping a stranger, befriend man, woman, gay, straight, rich or poor. If love is not the first thing out of your mouth upon rising each day and carried with you as you scan the social media and play out your day, then YOU are the same root of the problem you point fingers at.

I myself wish I could bring the Beatitudes of the Sermon on the Mount alive again today but we are too filled with fear and hate to see the HOPE in them! Make the Beatitudes go viral. Share this, I bet you won’t. 

Gospel of Matthew 5: 3-10
THE EIGHT BEATITUDES OF JESUS

"Blessed are the poor in spirit, 
for theirs is the kingdom of heaven. 

Blessed are they who mourn, 
for they shall be comforted. 

Blessed are the meek, 
for they shall inherit the earth. 

Blessed are they who hunger and thirst for righteousness, 
for they shall be satisfied. 

Blessed are the merciful, 
for they shall obtain mercy. 

Blessed are the pure of heart, 
for they shall see God. 

Blessed are the peacemakers, 
for they shall be called children of God. 

Blessed are they who are persecuted for the sake of righteousness, 
for theirs is the kingdom of heaven."


I will toss what I sense and see out the window like lint in the wind. I will see hope where there is none, I will wrap my heart around the joy left in the world. As I watch what is deemed the Super Moon set in the west like so many summer sunsets, the big bold orb will sleep as the sun rises in the east, there IS hope! Coming over the horizon like a mouse creeping up on cheese, the sun peeks in a slither of a cloudless sky. I’m awakened and greeted with the morn. 

May God Bless you always as you too seek out the HOPE that remains in the world!

Joel 3:16 "The LORD also shall roar out of Zion, and utter his voice from Jerusalem; and the heavens and the earth shall shake: but the LORD will be the hope of his people, and the strength of the children of Israel."

Infinite Love

Isa. 60:15 “Whereas thou hast been forsaken and hated, so that no man went through thee, I will make thee an eternal excellency, a joy of many generations.”

Compartmentalize

God is not religion. Man is the owner of the compartmentalized term ‘religion’ that they placed God into. In Genesis when the world was breathed into existence from a vast void in space, there was no religion. God spoke to men and that is when they began building a religion to suit their needs. 

Diversified- man grew to separate because as humans always do, they each see things differently. God told man not to worship false idols but sure enough man has built worlds of religious artifacts/idols to worship and in essence loses the intention of the Supreme Being and all He had wanted for mankind.

When I read that someone don’t believe in religion they only believe in man and nature. What exactly are they saying? Personally, I don’t believe in man. Man has worked for millennia to shape and construct religion and it has gotten them nowhere but in the center of war.

To ME, in my happy little world, the only thing I compartmentalize is love, there is no room for hate and thus my life in a bubble is my own, apparently. Love has shown me inside the mechanizations of the stellar space out there in the cosmos, love has shown me the inside of miracles and how they work. Love has carried me into a world where I kiss the Light of the Lord on a daily basis.

I often thought myself to be crazy and sometimes people are the ones that made me feel a wee bit insane but as I love to read and write, I see that some of the great philosophers, artists, writers and poets were all in the same thought of mind as I find myself. I’m not alone in the happy little bubble I find myself in, I am in great company with the Masters of times gone by. 

Yes, my thoughts are sometimes crazy insane but they are brought to you by the magnificent wonders of light and love. It takes a pretty strong SANE mind to stand naked in front of the Lord and shed all inhibitions and little boxes that man is so famous for creating. To humble oneself you must strip yourself of all ties that lead to anger and hate and there is where you’ll find yourself in the presence of the infinite Love of God. 

I can understand why men say they don’t believe in religion but to say they don’t believe in God is unfathomable in MY mind. Religion is the compartmentalized box that man has placed God into and if any of you know OF God, you know you cannot put Him in a box? He is EVERYTHING! He is infinite! He is ETERNAL!

John 12:25 “He that loveth his life shall lose it; and he that hateth his life in this world shall keep it unto life eternal.”

When you look at a leaf, do you see a simple leaf or do you see the veins running through the leaf? Do you think of the branch that the leaf fell from or do you think of the tree? The veins of the leaf are fed by the veins of the tree as the tree sucks nutrition from the earth which the earth receives its nutrition from God. 

Our veins running through our body are nourished by the food we feed it. The veins in our brain are nourished by what we put into our brain. What you physically put out into the world is the you that YOU shaped yourself to be. If all you see is hate in the world I believe your brain is malnourished of nutrients. 

Our body was made to receive our nutrition from God but again, man put little compartments up so God can fit neatly into his life. Where you find compartments you find walls. Walls are built so the little compartments stand up stronger against wind and chaos. God can knock down those walls of anxiety, depression, angst, and hate but he needs YOU to nourish your body with Him so the waxed walls start to melt like a lit candle. 

What I’m trying to say is that man is depleting the world of God. One by one, nutrition is being drained from the veins of life. You might say to yourself I am only one person, what can I do? Well, bring the Living nutrition into your life and send bits and pieces into the world via positive fruit of the Vine!

Yes, we all fall, we all do wrong and make bad choices but we need to be aware of the bad and wrong choices so that the only thing we send out is LOVE! Infinite LOVE!

Rom. 1:20 “For the invisible things of him from the creation of the world are clearly seen, being understood by the things that are made, even his eternal power and Godhead; so that they are without excuse:”

Running On Fear

Pss. 40:3 “And he hath put a new song in my mouth, even praise unto our God: many shall see it, and fear, and shall trust in the LORD.”

Running on Fear

They said it was coming, they announced life or death. Catastrophic they claimed, live or DIE they heralded. It came, it went, flooding and downed trees and plenty of power outages. The over hype of hurricanes, tornadoes and earthquakes have been instilling fear for years as the forecasters use their state of the art technology to give you a so-called accurate prediction.

I personally like the names like Storm of the Century or Snowmageddon all to hype fear or to save lives? How many of you have a smoke alarm in your house? How often does it go off when you burn toast or boil water? Would you get rid of it because of its annoying over-hyped warning of impending doom or do you keep it for that one time it might just save your life?

People left their homes only for them to be burglarized. Stores were boarded up and yet were looted by the thugs who see storms as an open opportunity to pillage property. It’s not enough that these people might lose everything to a devastating storm but to be robbed when they’re told to run to safety? And we wonder why people stay behind to ride out the storm? People would rather die than lose everything they own to criminals.

For some reason this makes me think of centuries past when Moses told the people to wait for him to receive God’s word and the people acted like animals instead of having the patience to ‘wait on the Lord’. People live in a selfish little ‘it’s all about me’ world and nothing can override the necessity of sanity and control.

The world is all about taking advantage. Taking advantage of people and situations has become the norm to the point I wonder why I wake up in the morning to face this catastrophic downfall of the human species. I like to think that I’m waiting on the Lord but then I think, am I fooling myself? Everyone else is out there one-upping the next guy and I’m sitting here waiting on the Lord? 

It’s like the smoke alarm, is it worth it to just wait until it is really needed to see its worth? Or do you just get rid of it after the first pan of over-cooked bacon sets the thing blaring? To ME, the Lord is worth the wait. With all the glaring signs of impending doom, with all of the people out to get something for nothing, with all of the people complaining because the forecasters over hype of a devastating storm that wasn’t, I’m happy to be that one rare jewel in the bottom of the ocean, waiting on the Lord to finally take His stance.

Fear is making a resounding play on the hearts of man. Let out the thundering signs, cry out the uproarious impending doom, and ring out the forceful warnings. One day as you’re sitting in silence waiting you’ll be glad you patiently waited on the Lord instead of being filled with fear.

“Patience, that blending of moral courage with physical timidity.” 

~ Thomas Hardy ~

The Truth Hurts

Gen.1:1 “In the beginning God created the heaven and the earth.”

The Truth Hurts

Well, yesterday was a good day even with summer rearing its ugly head to let me know it hasn’t gone too far away. Sometimes summer does that, it holds onto the season until the very last day and sometimes longer not wanting to let go and release the cooler temperatures of autumn!

After a quite refreshing couple of days in the fifties, eighty degrees raised the bar yesterday. Sure I stayed inside and did my work but I could feel the warmth tapping on the closed windows wanting to heat the house. Then last night we had a thunderstorm that washed away the heat in a light show beyond comparison. Flashing across the sky, lightning lit up the south, west and northern portions of the sky, the strobe light blinked in red and bluish hues. 

You could say I got a wake-up call yesterday in speaking the truth, right or wrong? I called my mother like I normally do at the same time every evening. I was in a relaxed mode as we had settled in to watch our movie but I pause the movie every evening to call my mother back home.

I could sense harshness in her tone but I shrugged it off as the conversation continued. She had said that she had a bad day, I knew what that meant but I prodded for more info and maybe I should have just ended the call by saying maybe a better day tomorrow but  it’s my mother, I needed to know if she was okay. 

A little back-story might help you with where I’m going with this. My mother lost her best friend, her husband of sixty years and she misses him intensely! A bad day means she just sits there thinking about him, his illness, his hospital stay, and most heart-wrenchingly, his death. As is to be expected, she has her good days and her bad days.

It hurts me to no end that I can’t be there for her but my calls have got to be enough at this juncture in my life and MY healing. She went on how my sister took her out to lunch and a little shopping. I know it’s good for her to get out and that is her healing mechanism, to shop. It always has been.

She told me about a book she read (this is where the conversation went downhill) about a young boy who died and went to heaven and came back and told this story of meeting Jesus in heaven and his deceased sister (that he had no knowledge of before the coma). The story Heaven Is for Real is the book she was referring to. 

She went on to tell me that because of THAT book she believes Heaven is for real and that ‘I’ should read the book to see for myself. I told her I READ a book that tells me heaven is for real called The Holy Bible. She retorted, “Oh, I’m going to read that one too.”

But then her tone became one of anger and she started berating me, “Why do you always have a conflicting response? Everything I say, you always try to correct me!”

Calmly I spoke and said, “I think I need to call you tomorrow.” I was not going to allow her bad day to leak through the phone and cause ME to have a bad day (too late) also. It already had in ways you don’t want to know. 

Was I wrong in telling her the truth? Should I let her believe Jesus is up there with a rainbow crown prancing with unicorns? Was I wrong in directing her to the bible? Should I let my mother holler at me like a two-year-old because she is grieving? I did and ended the call and afterward, I cried.

I told my son what had happened because he had overheard me, after talking to my mother, very loudly vocalizing my hurt from the phone call and then suffering a chest-tightening anxiety attack. 

His response? “The apple doesn’t fall far from the tree.” 

Yeah, I spat that at him more times than once, now it was his turn to fling those sentiments at me. Boy, I'm batting a thousand in the feel good vibes!

I explained to him that I respect our difference in beliefs; I don’t force my belief on him, I already lost that battle and he is his own person believing what he wants. But no one wants to respect MY beliefs. So now here I am…

Tears roll down my cheek as I wonder if all of this is in vain. Am I writing the truth, yes I know it is MY truth, to believers or non-believers? Do the non-believers think I’m an overbearing, pompous, bible thumping donkey? Do believers believe the same truth? Prayer…lots of prayer time for ME coming up in the following weeks, I’ll let you know how it turns out.

I know grief has no time limit. I understand the mourning process. I have lost all four grandparents (not the same as a husband), I’ve lost two children (not the same as a husband), I’ve lost a father, along with aunts and uncles to illness or suicide (not the same as a husband); so maybe I don’t understand my mothers’ grief. Maybe it IS normal for her to buy my father's cologne so she can inhale the fragrance he once wore. 

I don’t understand the loss of a husband and truly hope I don’t have to ever cross that bridge but one thing I AM certain of is Heaven, FOR ME! I’m not certain if my father is there, I don’t know if my mother will wind up there, I don’t even know if I’M going to end up there but… I DO KNOW HEAVEN IS THERE! I will strive to reach heaven, long for it, and always feel it within my grasp. 

Maybe I should just shut my mouth and stop my fingers now.

Matt. 18:3 “And said, Verily I say unto you, Except ye be converted, and become as little children, ye shall not enter into the kingdom of heaven."

Poetry Sunday ~ Lift Me... I Fell Today

Job 14:22 “But his flesh upon him shall have pain, and his soul within him shall mourn.”

Lift Me… I Fell Today

I fell today upon my face

At Jesus’ feet here in this place.

I bowed my head in humble grace

The Lord spoke to my soul.

I fell today at His feet

My eyes are sore my body beat

Chin now raised our eyes did meet

I praise the One who makes me whole.

I fell today my body pained

He washed a heart forever stained

I thanked him for all I’ve gained

As we take our heavenly stroll

I fell today but then He lifted

The weakened me whom He gifted

The me who once He’d thought had drifted

Redeemed I’ve reached my goal.

I Fell in Love

1 Cor. 2:9 “But as it is written, Eye hath not seen, nor ear heard, neither have entered into the heart of man, the things which God hath prepared for them that love him.”

I fell in love...all over again…

I’ve been in a relationship my entire adult life. I’ve known love, lived love and loved love. I’ve been with Steven for thirteen years now and though we didn’t instantly fall in love when we first met we were instant friends via the internet.

We had both just come off of bad relationships so you can see why we never decided to get married for many years after we met face to face. Our idea of love was tainted by what we had been through in our past and we were damned if we were going to make the same mistake twice. 

He never really knew love because lust is what drove him in previous relationships, and that’s all they were, relationships. He hadn’t known love, true love. As for me I was a child of circumstance. I yearned for love and would take anyone who dared to show me love and it is what kept me married for 20 years, until I became a woman and realized love wasn’t about a man controlling and obsessing over you, it is the feeling that two people share in becoming one complete unit. 

When I made my way to Texas, I wasn’t ‘in love’, I loved him dearly but in love meant something totally different. The years passed and I fell ‘in love’ to the extent that we both fell and knew a union was the difference. We married last year because we knew that this was the final road for us. It wasn’t the beginning and it wasn’t an ending it was the communion of love spreading over us that we knew had to be completed in the form of marriage.

This is the instance where definitely two worlds collided, farm boy meets city girl. Opposite ends of the world meeting in the middle and hitting it off like the Fourth of July firework displays. We’ve had our ups and downs but more times than not we’ve relished many more ups. We complete each other and yesterday it hit me (not for the first time) that he’s my husband in every sense of the word. 

When we first met he inundated me with lyrics, lyrics that spoke to me better than the songs themselves. When we met face to face the lyrics stopped, he then began playing melodies on the saxophone and well, city girl just melted like a snowman holding a candle I’ll have you know!

It was kind of beautiful watching from the inside, the love growing in leaps and bounds. We went from lyrics, to melodies to movies; all of which we had in common and we now share our lives as if we only live for one another. 

We’ve never been a couple who celebrates Valentine’s Day, not because we don’t love each other but because we DO love each other, every single day and Valentine’s is just another holiday that is over commercialized and I might be the first woman he’s ever met that said, “No thanks” to chocolates, to diamonds, to gifts, to the mushy froo froo for Valentines day that so many other women EXPECT.

I’ve always written him a poem because well that’s what I do; I’m a writer. This year was no different except for the fact that it was our very first Valentine’s Day as man and wife. It felt different too, especially when he made me a video with clips of all of our favorite movies (that we watch over and over again).

It started off:  

Groundhog Day - “Whatever happens tomorrow or for the rest of my life, I’m happy now because I love you” 

School of Rock - “You’re the cats pajamas, you’re the bees knees!”

Mr. Deeds - “Hard to breathe, feels like floating, so full of love, my heart’s exploding.
Mouth is dry, hands are shaking, my heart is yours for the taking. 
Acting weird, not myself, dancing around like the Keebler elf.
Finally time for this poor schlub, to know how it feels to fall in lub.”

E. T. “I’ll be right here.” 

A Beautiful Mind – “I’m only here tonight because of you. You are the reason I am. You’re all my reasons.”

Lord of the Rings – Smeagol – “My PRECIOUS!”

Casper- “Kat? Can I keep you?”

A movie with Andrew Lincoln, Rick from The Walking Dead – Showing sign boards to his love – “To me, you are perfect. And my wasted heart will love you
Until you look like… A ZOMBIE?” lol

Forrest Gump – “I’m not a smart man, but I KNOW what love is.”

Wall-E – Eve hugs Wall-e upon seeing him alive out there floating in space. She squeals and kisses him. He drifts off in orbit dazed by love!

Then we cut to “You’ve Got Mail” ending scene that looks a little like when Steven and I met. (Well they’re a lot better looking (not much) but you get the point. I was so glad to see him and meet him for the first time in REAL life, not from behind a screen. And the REST is History! 
The scene comes alive with the song – Somewhere Over the Rainbow!

I love my honey! More today than yesterday but half as much as tomorrow. 
And he TRULY loves me!!!

A Not So Merry Christmas

Job 17:7 “Mine eye also is dim by reason of sorrow, and all my members are as a shadow.”

Well yesterday I wrote about people being offended by the term Merry Christmas, but today I’m going to write about the not so Merry Christmas. When I was younger I had joyfully wished an older woman a Merry Christmas. She blurted out, “It’s not so merry to me, I just lost my husband.”

I almost cried because I in no way meant to intentionally hurt her feelings but how was I to know she had just lost her husband? I know we don’t mean Merry Christmas as a bad thing but to others who are mourning a husband, or grieving the loss of a child or who are just alone at Christmas with no family, to them it is not a ‘Merry’ Christmas. We need to be sensitive to them, not because we want to be politically correct, but because we need to have a compassionate heart for people and what they might be going through during the Christmas season.

If someone was to wish me a Merry Christmas, I’ll just nod my head and say thank you and wish them one but only I know that this isn’t going to be the merriest of Christmas’ for me, it just isn’t. I’m definitely not going to blurt out, “I just lost my dad, what’s so merry about it?” 

My husband lost his father over twenty years ago and the death of his dad isn’t as fresh to him as the death of my father is to me. I’m not minimizing his loss in any way but he never talks about his dad or the love that they shared, it’s just a mute point. He still has his siblings and mother to share the season with and I have no one. I have his family, I know, but understand it just isn’t the same as hugging MY mother in her time of need.
My mother is back home going through the days of loneliness without me there and it is going to be a very sad Christmas for me not being home. This will be her hardest Christmas ever.

I’m not trying to bring anyone down with this post, by no means. I want to see people happy and celebrating the season for all that it is; a joyous season. Just because I’m not going to be decking the halls and prancing around singing Ho! Ho! Ho! doesn’t mean that you, if your truly happy, shouldn’t be celebrating the joy of the season.

This will be the first year that I write a solo poem for my mother for Christmas and I already told myself that it isn’t going to be a sad one that will have her crying and missing my father and also missing me being there. Nope, I’m going to try and write a sappy, funny limerick to make her smile! I’ll share it with you, my readers and see what you think of it before sending off, assuming I get it done in time. 

My mother already sent a ‘gift’ for Steven, Adam and myself but the real gift will be ‘The Box’! The box I am anticipating like a kid waiting for Santa. The box will be filled with memories of my father and just a couple items that he treasured. I long to hold a piece of him in my hand one last time, to allow the aroma of him to sink into my nostrils and know that he touched the items and loved them. It will be a tear-filled day for sure.

My mother was waiting for a necklace with my dad’s fingerprint on it to put in the box, which she bought from the funeral home, but it wasn’t ready so she’s sending me the box anyway and will send the necklace at a later date. She bought one for my sister and me, and my brother bought her one with my dads ashes in it that will be worn close to her heart where my father will always remain. 

So there IS some joy in my season yet to be had and that is feeling my dad close to me as I sit missing him. While many of my siblings are dealing with guilt of not knowing my father as well as they would have liked, I don’t have that guilt because in my heart I know we had a special father/daughter relationship where I told him I loved him, frequently when I called home. My last words to him were, “I love you, dad!”

Pss. 69:29 “But I am poor and sorrowful: let thy salvation, O God, set me up on high.”

Helpless!

4 Ezra 2:27 “Be not weary: for when the day of trouble and heaviness cometh, others shall weep and be sorrowful, but thou shalt be merry and have abundance.”

HELPLESS

There is no other word to describe how I’m feeling right now. Helpless! One single word. Oh, I’m feeling a river of emotions but helpless is at the top of my list.

I’ll start with… my dad is dying. Don’t be so negative you might say but as you my readers well know, I’m the optimistic one. I always see the bright spot in any given circumstance and I’m struggling so hard to dig through the gray mire and find some sunshine to cling to here.

A little background: My dad had heart surgery twenty years ago and he’s had a stent placed on an artery of his heart, he’s survived throat cancer, five years clean now, and he also suffers with emphysema. He’s been on oxygen for quite awhile now and last week he was taken to the emergency room because he couldn’t breath, his oxygen wasn’t working. He was told to use the oxygen when necessary and my dad used it 24/7. Little did he know that THAT was doing more harm than good.

A little over a month ago when he had his visit with the Cardiologist, the doctor looked at him and said, “I can’t believe you’re still alive.” You see, all the x-rays show my dad has a heart that looks like a mangled car wreck but it is still driving.

Last Friday, as the doctor did his work, and the nurses did theirs, day after draining day I sat here feeling helpless. You see, I can’t just hop on a plane and go see my father. I’ve made ample use of my phones free minutes on the weekend and the not free minutes during the week. I have called and talked to him, talked to my mother and well… no one wants me home for fear my father will get the impression that he’s dying. If everyone comes and sees him, since no one sees him while he’s alive, coming to visit will surely speak volumes that he is near death.

Tuesday my mother had offered to pay for my trip back home but later when I told her the astronomical airfare prices, she quickly said, “I can’t afford that!” I understood but was hurt nonetheless. I think I overestimated the quote I gave her not knowing $1500 was for three adults, three days, round trip.  And that is not including the hotel I’d need to stay at or the rental car that we’d need. No, going home just isn’t an option.

Then there’s MY disability that would hinder travel. I can’t just be squished onto a tight-seated plane with the arthritis in my back. A three hour car drive to Omaha then boarding the plane to fly two or more hours only to have a layover in N.C. to take off again for another two hours of flying to Baltimore. After the flight I’d never be able to walk off the plane, with limited legroom, I’d definitely need a wheelchair. That is NOT how I want to visit my father, with not nearly enough time to ‘visit’.

Helpless! There IS no solution except prayer.

I had said on my Family Facebook page, “I might never get to see my family again.”

My sister retorted, “That was YOUR choice.”

Yes, I chose to leave Hell! I chose to find LOVE even if it took my last breath I would find and KNOW what love is, what family is all about, what my God had planned for me and I would not look back. Yes, MY CHOICE! That wasn’t my reply to her but something similar. I wrote, “Yes, I wanted to see what REAL love was and I found it.”

A dear friend who I confided in told me, “Joni, you don’t need that family, you have your family right there with you and your spiritual family to uphold you.”

He was right. As hard as it may be NOT going home to put my father to rest. I am at peace knowing that he knows I’ve found what I was looking for and he can die a happy man.

After writing, I don’t feel so helpless. Thank you sweet Jesus!

4 Ezra 12:5 Lo, yet am I weary in my mind, and very weak in my spirit; and little strength is there in me, for the great fear wherewith I was afflicted this night.

Eyes On Christ

Matt. 21:13 And said unto them, It is written, My house shall be called the house of prayer; but ye have made it a den of thieves.

Have you ever woke in the morning and went right to the news of the prior day or morning? Well, the first thing I do is read my morning meditation and that usually means an email from Bible Gateway or an encouraging word from Max Lucado. Then I read a bible verse that wraps around me like a warm blanket and cradles me in the Word of God.

Prayer is also in my morning ritual so that my days start out with my eyes on Christ.

This weeks sermon was about our focus and how we’re very easily led away from Christ wrapping ourselves up in the news and what’s going on out there in the world. If you wake up and think God is leading you to read about the turmoil of killings, wars, hate, mistrust, you are sadly mistaken. You see, we wake up and satan is already there waiting to greet you with all the bad things he’s had a hand in on the prior day or even the very day you awaken feeling refreshed thinking you have a handle on things.

When we place our focus on all the negative things in the world, we have been led right into the hands of satan and he is all the more happier to steer you away from God and Christ. We tend to place our focus on the rights and wrongs of the world, voice our opinion and walk a fine line of the double-edged sword. I do believe it says in the Bible that we cannot serve two masters, so when your focus is swayed from Christ, you are allowing satan to hold your hand and walk you through your day. Toss in a little Christ here and there to appease your mind.

With this being Holy Week, my eyes are very strongly on Christ and yes just as he was tempted by satan, I see all around me people filling their world with him. Christ comes second and that is just the way the world is now-a-days.

My week started off with my man being very sick. It started with a sore throat but by Monday morning he could hardly speak or breathe. His asthma was hitting him hard and yes it’s a place he’s been in quite a few times in his life so we pretty much know what to do when an episode hits. I made chicken noodle soup in hopes it would give him some relief, it did momentarily but by Wednesday we were at the doctors.

Tuesday night I decided to watch The Passion of Christ. Yes I had seen it a few years back and yes it had an impact on our Christian lives and yes, I knew it would impact me yet again. The movie is an extremely powerful movie that makes you think what Jesus was sacrificing on the cross. He became the sacrificial Lamb. He sacrificed Himself so we could be forgiven of our sin.

As I watched the movie it made me think of the ways that satan tries to distract us from God, wandering here and there, watching us suffer with a smile on his face and readily offering us an outlet to our pain.

The movie also made me think of the atheists who don’t understand Christians. They think we believe in a mythical creature in the sky and only believe because of some words written in a book by men. I think if they watched that movie, with an open mind, they would understand why we are so devoted to that man on the cross.

Have you ever heard or witnessed a man running into a burning building to save a life? We hold that man up as a hero, and praise him and honor him. That is exactly what Jesus did for thousands (now billions) of people. He was led into the arms of torture and flaming fire, all for blasphemy of saying He was the Son of God.

While atheists will celebrate Easter with a drink in their hand and food in their face, they won’t even realize that it is because of Jesus that they are allowed to live and breathe in the sweet air of springtime. They will laugh and scoff just like the men who beat Jesus nearly to death only to hang Him on a cross dripping with blood.

After Jesus took His last breath, the soldiers looked up and realized He WAS the Messiah. Guilt filled their heads and even the chief priests wondered what they had done and as you can see with the upheaval in the Middle East nowadays, they are paying dearly for killing an innocent man who lived over 2000 years ago.

So you might say it is a myth. You might like denying Christ. You might even find sanctuary in the arms of satan who is all too eager to carry you away from anything that resembles Jesus. But know in your heart, for this legend to be alive, living and breathing 2000 years later, don’t you feel some kind of truth in His words?

If God wanted the Bible to be backed by scientific data, He could have very well had the elite scientists of the day write His words but instead He chose men, sinners, nobodies to write the truth of His moral compass He gave to us. The Bible was not meant to be scientifically dissected but as you try and scientifically find the answers, you are falling into the trap satan has set for you, to take your eyes off of Christ and the living testimony of real people who had no ulterior motive in bringing God’s word to you lasting thousands of years.

Scientists seek to prove and disprove, satan leads to distract, life goes on as if nothing has changed except the minds of humans. The sermon on our focus was right, the more we’re led away from Christ by exterior means, the more the world becomes consumed by satan. At the end of the day when I sleep a peaceful nights rest I do so knowing that my day was consumed with God. Persecute me as you will, I sleep easier at night knowing Jesus shed His blood for me.

May the Light and Love of God go with you in each and every day. Keep your eyes on Christ. ~ Amen

Matt. 28:19-20 Go ye therefore, and teach all nations, baptizing them in the name of the Father, and of the Son, and of the Holy Ghost:
Teaching them to observe all things whatsoever I have commanded you: and, lo, I am with you alway, even unto the end of the world. Amen.

Balance

James 3:17 But the wisdom that is from above is first pure, then peaceable, gentle, and easy to be intreated, full of mercy and good fruits, without partiality, and without hypocrisy.

Where does balance come from in the Christian life? One doesn’t seek it, nor buy it, and one can’t find it through all the knowledge you put into your system. Balance is achieved. Notice the wheel, how well balanced it is? When there is no balance, the wheel will not roll!

Balance is achieved by having a goal and reaching it, like climbing to the highest mountaintop and looking out at all the glory, you have achieved a goal. Balance is holding onto that goal once it is achieved.

The lack of balance in a Christian’s life will certainly cause a bit of trouble; sleepless nights, worry, stress. When you achieve a balance of all that God has shown you there is only one outcome and that is of pleasurable peace.

Pastor Tim talked about the intellectual Christian. That to ME, is the type of Christian who builds his strength and faith on KNOWLEDGE of the bible. Sometimes he/she can spew scripture down to the book and chapter, sometimes he can find a scripture (via google?) that deals with suffering, pain, need, faith etc. He is the reader/believer I spoke of in my Lent series.

When only the head is involved with Christianity, you lose sight of the balance. I know of many spiritual based faiths that speak of balance also and in the Christian faith it is not much different for the spiritual Christian who has learned to balance his/her faith with the head (knowledge), will (action), heart (a deep passion).

With everything in life, if you just gain knowledge of something, what exactly are you gaining? A big ego? “Yeah, I know this, that and the other thing.” Whoop-de-doodle, you’re knowledgeable.

If you put that knowledge into action with a deep passion, you are balancing the three. The will, the heart and the mind. We do not take up Christianity (just gain knowledge) we are taken UP by Christianity. With our hearts and minds and physical actions we are drawn to be LIKE Christ.

God’s Word is spiritual food. We grow by it, we're seasoned by it, we’re transformed by it. The Holy Spirit uses the word to revive you, restore your spirit and change your heart. You must process the filling of your spirit and OBEY what you are being called to do.

If I want to be used of God, it is important that I fill my mind, my heart, and my life with the Word of God. A practicing Christian has strength to fight the enemy, he is refreshed daily by the wisdom he holds and transformed so that the old person who sat and judged his fellow man, name calls, feeds the fire of satan’s lure, is gone, he is NO MORE, he is transformed.

I see a lot of folk who claim to be Christian sit in some safe corner of the globe reading and believing that no matter how often he/she sins, they’ll be forgiven and taken up to heaven when their time comes. People see them profess Christianity but their actions are far from Christlike giving people the idea that sin is good. “I can just call myself a Christian and God will save me.”

Christianity is a transformation, the balance of the heart, mind and soul. If the outer world doesn’t see the balance in you, and YES, they will see the transformation, they get the idea that Christianity is a false belief system. You have turned people AWAY from God instead of TO God.

You don’t hold the power of transformation in your own hand. All the reading and believing in the world will shape you but it will not transform you. I know you’re tired of me saying this but CHURCH aids in the transformation. Action is going to cause a reaction.

Let me see if I can simplify this. Let’s say you’re hungry. You go to the freezer and find meat. You think to yourself, that sure looks good. (Christianity looks good) You then place the meat in the oven or frying pan and begin to cook it. (This is where you read and believe.) You share this cooked meat with your friends and they all spit it out. It tasted horrible, drab, lifeless. You realize you didn’t marinate and season the meat. You took no action to make this meat a meal.

Marinating the meat is like bathing in the word. You season the meat, you cook the meat, you share the meat with people who presumably are not vegetarians. Sharing the word with unlike minds is like sharing meat with a vegetarian. Church is a place of like-minded people. You will know who and who is not a vegetarian. You have transformed the meat into a solid meal for ALL to partake of, not just the carnivorous meat eaters.

Transformation and balance of the transformed individual allows you to be of a pure mind, spiritually and physically. People with a seasoned just right balance, shake off the snares of the devil. Their strength is in the meal and the deliverance of the meal.

People have eyes to see and if you are not balanced, it shows. It doesn’t help God any if you're unbalanced. The men and women God used WERE sinners but by their transformation, they didn’t dwell in sin because it was a given that they’d be forgiven, they worked earnestly to live a pure life; they were all balanced (seasoned) in the proportion God dished out.