Defining Moments

Job 30:18 “By the great force of my disease is my garment changed: it bindeth me about as the collar of my coat.”

Defining Moments

I will not allow an illness to define me. I will not allow the world to shape me and I can’t let people define the most intimate moments of my life. I’ve been taking a sort of break this week allowing my thoughts to be moved forward in a rush to the raging waterfall where they can be forced over the edge and led out to sea.

It seems the rabid heat wave of July has come to an end. This is where I mention once again that Nebraska has had an extremely mild summer give or take a couple of weeks in the lower nineties and a week in the upper nineties, with sporadic rain and nary a storm. Cool air crept in like the baby raccoons invading the property just moseying around to see what they can get into. The welcome cooler temps filled the night air and we rarely got above seventy in the evenings then the beautiful seventies temperatures arrived in our daytime hours beginning August first.

My defining summer moments have been shaped by a garden I didn’t plant but turned out beautiful anyway, new chores that have fallen on my lap because my son who used to do them got a full-time job, and then there’s the full-time employment that my son anxiously needed and received.  

I think 2017 will be a host of defining moments for me and the year isn’t even close to being over. Changes that are taking place, lifestyles uprooted, routines broken like the once fragile eggs that they were. Life is all about changes; I think it’s a matter of how you handle each set of circumstances tossed at you. You either catch the water balloon or allow it to shatter, splashing water all over your face.

Relieving stress and toxins has been one of the hardest of my defining moments year. Giving up sugar, processed food, meat, dairy was easy compared to the stress that haunts the days. While prayer and meditation work amazing wonders, wandering in to read my mail or visit facebook drown all of my meditative work. 

I think I failed big time as a parent and without going into detail because my son is very private, I’ll try and leave it at that. My son suffers from anxiety and depression and I’m the one holding the bag to his outlet of emotional outbursts. Then there is me, realizing my failure, and the need to let him go and shape his own future. It is stress I need to be gone if ever I am to heal from this dastardly disease.

A ray of hope shined momentarily when my neighbor moved from the trailer he lived in for six years. I got a little over excited thinking my son could rent the place. Boy, visions of a peace-filled transition washed over me but were slowly diminished by further inspection of the place. The place needs a lot of work and my landlord hasn’t gotten back to me on whether he is willing to do the much-needed maintenance of the place. By law, I believe he has to take care of them, but out here in the middle of nowhere, there is no law. I’m not willing to risk losing our very affordable housing (a house not a trailer) to push for mandatory maintenance so my son can get out of the house.

So, I continue in a toxic environment trying to heal what has been a life-altering diagnosis and has become a most notable defining moment in my life thus far. I never thought of my husband and son as the toxins that need to be remedied in my life but here I am the medium between two toxic people and trying to heal a toxic illness. 

I sit here and watch my husbands’ family move through life. They’re the good Christian family and all that entails in your mind when you think of when you think of a good Christian family. You know, the Leave It To Beaver June Cleaver kind of people? Yeah, when his mom sees my husband she hugs him like she hasn’t seen him for years and you can see all the love pass between the two. My sister-in-law has two kids that blend so well with her husbands’ two kids you’d think they were blood, but no, they’re more than blood siblings, they’re family!

It’s amazing to watch as an outsider city-gal. Sure I married into this great family but I’m out in the middle of nowhere as the Cleaver family moves on in a time-lapse fashion, and I sit here as the observer of two toxic people trying to live under the same roof. It’s an unneeded stress at a time I need no stress to add to my inflammatory body.

I have unmedicated pains many of my days. Not from this illness, from my arthritis and psoriasis. Trying to put bandages on a lifelong illness like psoriasis is not going as I had planned, and my arthritis flare ups keep me in check, wanting to do certain things but unable to just jump into gear. This is an interesting journey, to say the least. I still trudge through the pain, take breaks when needed and am still overwhelmed by simple things like visiting a social media site to visit with my Spiritual Family. Lord knows I've been dealt a raw deal with no REAL family to call my own. I think that's why He placed me here.

On the twenty-fifth of this month, it will have been eight months since I received the diagnosis of this life altering disease. Eight months of no processed food, no sugar, carbs, grains, etc. etc. and I long for the day I can just eat a piece of pizza without worrying that THAT will be my demise. Joni passed due to a slice of pizza! Hey, if I can’t have a sense of humor through all of this, shoot me now! 

My Lord has wrapped His blanketed touch around me for my protection and as the year of defining moment’s speed on, I’m cradled by His love! So if you don’t see me or my name for a couple of days at a time, know that I’m out here struggling to get through the day and always keep me in your prayer. I feel as if it were not for your continued prayers, I might as well pick out my urn now. 

1 Cor. 15:51 “Behold, I shew you a mystery; We shall not all sleep, but we shall all be changed”

The Secret Garden

 

“If you look the right way, you can see that the whole world is a garden.” 

~ The Secret Garden

The Secret Garden

Last night I chose to watch The Secret Garden. I knew why because it would hit close to home and I needed to see the story again. I’m sure you all know the story of an orphaned girl who was sent to live with her uncle who was never at the one-hundred room mansion that his staff took care of including his hidden son and now his ever present young niece.

There are many renditions of the tale over the years but this one was the now classic 1993 version. Little Colin Craven, Mary’s ten-year-old cousin was sheltered in a room where he was told that he was very ill. Never having been outside he believed he was ill and couldn’t walk.

Mary feeling so alone after her parents’ death, went exploring the manor and discovered a secret garden. With the help of the housemaids’ brother, together they brought the garden back to life.

The story unfolded in an elegant manner as Mary saw through Colin and aided him to see that he was not ill, he could more than likely walk and she’d eventually bring him to his deceased mother's resuscitated garden.

You might be able to see and understand why this hit close to home for me. I was raised to believe that this illness I’ve been diagnosed with is a death sentence. I feel sometimes as if I've been placed in the chambers of this vast mansion, told to stay in my room and believe that I am sentenced to death. 

Usually and ironically it is the older generation, like Mrs. Madlock, who gives off the most negative vibes. I need to do this their way because they KNOW this is what worked for them (and others). Or I need to listen to them because they are my elders. Or, this one tops the cake, you need to let God guide you in the RIGHT direction. Do what??? 

I seriously think that people, unknowingly self-righteous, want to point me in one direction when all along I’ve been going in the direction that MY GOD IS LEADING ME! Yesterday marked seven weeks with the knowledgeable diagnosis of this journey and I have ALWAYS sought God’s guidance through prayer and meditation. I need to ask, in all honesty, is your prayer better than mine? Does God only guide YOU in the right direction and not me because ‘I’m younger’? 

As I see people dissecting the numerous versions of the Holy Bible, I myself have only dissected the King James Version and hold that one close to my heart throughout my life. I don’t go for the ‘easier read’, I go for the complicated read that makes me REALLY intently meditate on every word and its meaning. 

You see, what I’m saying is, what works for you doesn’t work for EVERYONE and you need to be open to the individual path of the youth, the elders, and the in-betweens. We’re all on a different journey and what has worked for you can only be relayed as your experience in the matter, not what will work for an individual in their path. Be open to seeing their version of THEIR journey. 

Yesterday was a somewhat good day. I went shopping with hubby and yet again I amazed myself. I didn’t get dropped off at the front door, I walked in the store and through the store and then back out to the truck. I felt great, I FEEL great! Is someone who has been dealt a devastating blow supposed to feel great? Am I supposed to feel empowered, energized, cheerful, happy, and radiant?

I wonder sometimes if as you read this you think this is some form of denial. Let me assure you, God does not master in trickery and fooling a being into believing one thing while He’s at work crafting a big punch in the face so reality sets in. If that is what your God does to you, it certainly is not what my God does to me.

If God had led me to the chemo route, these blog posts would have gone in a much different direction. With seven weeks of research, numerous doctor visits, two of which were oncologists, and a years worth of prayer on the matter, God is leading me in my HEALING! I am not going this alone and I’m not listening to those around me who try to sway me with their ‘sage advice’. 

Last night was the first time in a long time that I had a bad nights sleep. I find that when you sleepwalk to the bathroom in the middle of the night, it’s hard to shut off the negative voices all clamoring for a place in your head. So, much of the night I was wrestling demons. I guess I’m allowed my bad nights. 

Today I awoke and saw the world as a garden, ripe and ready to be groomed. The warmer weather is smacking us in the face this week, the fields are bursting with activity as farmers get a head start on preparing their fields for crops, and the Crane are awake and singing their tune.

I’m fighting a winning battle and your support, prayer and positive affirmations are welcome in my world. If you, a believer or not, have a negative insight as to what God is doing in my life, please, keep it to yourself as I have MANY surrounding me in belief and support in the way I should go.

As Lord Archibald Craven was summoned prayerfully, in the only way some children know how to pray, back to the mansion he was shocked to see his son walking outside in the Secret Garden, healthy and ALIVE with Mary and her friend. All embraced the BEAUTY of LIFE! Even if the Secret Garden is only in my mind, it is a beauty in the world that I embrace! Live, love, see and be awakened now. May God bless each and every one of you. 

Pss. 96:6 KJV “Honour and majesty are before him: strength and beauty are in his sanctuary.”

No Net

Pss. 10:9 “He lieth in wait secretly as a lion in his den: he lieth in wait to catch the poor: he doth catch the poor, when he draweth him into his net.”

Think about it. Have you ever seen a trapeze artist walk a thin line attempting to get to the other platform…with NO NET? That’s what having no internet is like, kind of.

You’ll be surfing along that fine line, focusing on your completed task, then WHAM the internet cuts out. WHOA, you try to make some sense of the lack of balance but there is none. You don’t fall to your death I assure you but you do get that feeling of isolation and being cut off from the outside world abruptly.

We live out in the middle of nowhere and we’ve had internet issues for years now. First the wind knocks the dish out of whack, then a tree limb is in the way, then we get a new dish only for it to work temporarily, then we get a new tower but again the trees are blocking the little beam from our dish that needs to connect to the tower. This has been our balancing act for years now.

Then last week with assured confidence the internet guy comes out and tells us that there is a NEW tower we can use to connect. A new dish and a new beam that supposedly cuts through the trees like a lumberjack! Yeah it worked excellently for a day or two, then WHAM, back out again; off and on. He said we were the guinea pigs on the new system so I guess we can assuredly tell HIM that the lumberjack grew tired and left the job, eh?

I’m a writer and my blog and writing is pretty important to me as much as games and YouTube is to my guys! No net, no access to any of these things, so if you see me not blogging for periods at a time, think NET or the lack thereof. 

We also have NetFlix so you can imagine the irritation when right in the middle of a movie, the internet waves bye bye! Or worse yet, when 10 minutes are remaining and the climax is unraveling then POOF…no movie!

We don’t have many luxuries like a telephone with internet, heck we don’t even have texting available on our phones! We have the internet, that is a luxury to us because we PAY for it every month! We don’t have the luxury of pilfering/stealing/borrowing our neighbor’s wifi because as you can guess, they don’t even have internet! NetfFlix was our New Years splurge and I’m wondering if and when we’ll have good enough access to actually use the luxury on a daily basis.

Assuming everyone knew of my net woes, I excitedly posted on facebook “The net guy is here!” Well, to someONE who don’t pay attention to my wall or my posts, they thought for sure the whitecoats were coming out here with a net to get me and I maniacally went running around the yard screaming as I flee from them with their net. How funny. NOT! Although I’ll probably need them if we don’t get this internet fixed soon!

Don’t get me wrong, the net does work sometimes, I should say when it is good it is really good but when it is bad, it is really really bad! And so it goes, life without a net is not a good idea, just as walking without God is not a good idea. Good thing we have unlimited access to HIM, free of charge, without interruption! Funny thing is, with no internet, the closer I feel to God… hmm, now there’s a concept for ya.

Okay, gotta run…my garden is calling me.

Pss. 25:15 “Mine eyes are ever toward the LORD; for he shall pluck my feet out of the net.”

Poetry Sunday ~ My Mind's Eye

Job 8:16 He is green before the sun, and his branch shooteth forth in his garden.

My Minds Eye
***
In the garden of my mind,
I till, I hoe, but never find.
The beauty that I’ve planted there
the seeds all gone with deep despair.

In the memories I can see
little seeds gazing back at me.
All the ones I forgot to plant
I comb the land and begin a chant.

“Little seed it’s you I sow,
wake up and sing as you grow;
bursting from the dormant soil
may you bloom with little toil.”

Putting all the rows in order
around my mind the visions border.
Full of new things that I’m shown,
plants will thrive once fully grown.

The past is gone, no seeds to mend
new blossoms in my soul I’ll tend.
Forgetting all that's gone before
My new year holds an open door.

Out with the old; in with the new
all the threads that I hold true.
My God is alive and all will see,
fruits of my garden, shine through me!

Quotation Saturday

SPRING

Everything is blooming most recklessly; if it were voices instead of colors, there would be an unbelievable shrieking into the heart of the night.
~Rainer Maria Rilke, Letters of Rainer Maria Rilke

Science has never drummed up quite as effective a tranquilizing agent as a sunny spring day.
~W. Earl Hall

I think that no matter how old or infirm I may become, I will always plant a large garden in the spring. Who can resist the feelings of hope and joy that one gets from participating in nature's rebirth?
~Edward Giobbi

The day the Lord created hope was probably the same day he created Spring.
~Bern Williams

GARDENS

The kiss of the sun for pardon,
The song of the birds for mirth,
One is nearer God's heart in a garden
Than anywhere else on earth.
~Dorothy Frances Gurney, "Garden Thoughts"

I cultivate my garden, and my garden cultivates me.
~Robert Brault
 
Let no one think that real gardening is a bucolic and meditative occupation. It is an insatiable passion, like everything else to which a man gives his heart. ~Karel Čapek, The Gardener's Year
 
I sit in my garden, gazing upon a beauty that cannot gaze upon itself. And I find sufficient purpose for my day.
~Robert Brault

BUTTERFLIES

Butterflies are self propelled flowers.
~R.H. Heinlein
 
The caterpillar does all the work but the butterfly gets all the publicity.
~Attributed to George Carlin
 
But these are flowers that fly and all but sing:
And now from having ridden out desire
They lie closed over in the wind and cling
Where wheels have freshly sliced the April mire.
~Robert Frost, "Blue-Butterfly Day"

Just like the butterfly, I too will awaken in my own time.
~Deborah Chaskin
 
We must remain as close to the flowers, the grass, and the butterflies as the child is who is not yet so much taller than they are. We adults, on the other hand, have outgrown them and have to lower ourselves to stoop down to them. It seems to me that the grass hates us when we confess our love for it. Whoever would partake of all good things must understand how to be small at times.
~Friedrich Nietzsche

BIRDS

I once had a sparrow alight upon my shoulder for a moment, while I was hoeing in a village garden, and I felt that I was more distinguished by that circumstance that I should have been by any epaulet I could have worn.
~Henry David Thoreau
 
Have you ever observed a humming-bird moving about in an aerial dance among the flowers - a living prismatic gem.... it is a creature of such fairy-like loveliness as to mock all description.
~W.H. Hudson, Green Mansions

There are joys which long to be ours. God sends ten thousands truths, which come about us like birds seeking inlet; but we are shut up to them, and so they bring us nothing, but sit and sing awhile upon the roof, and then fly away.
~Henry Ward Beecher
 
A bird does not sing because it has an answer. It sings because it has a song.
~Chinese Proverb

Mansions in the sky, tethered to the wind they cry. Man cannot see eye to eye, in the beauty of the butterfly!
~Joni Zipp

Quotation Saturday

GARDENS

It is good to be alone in a garden at dawn or dark so that all its shy presences may haunt you and possess you in a reverie of suspended thought.
~James Douglas, Down Shoe Lane

There can be no other occupation like gardening in which, if you were to creep up behind someone at their work, you would find them smiling.
~Mirabel Osler
 
Science, or para-science, tells us that geraniums bloom better if they are spoken to. But a kind word every now and then is really quite enough. Too much attention, like too much feeding, and weeding and hoeing, inhibits and embarrasses them. 
~Victoria Glendinning

In my garden there is a large place for sentiment. My garden of flowers is also my garden of thoughts and dreams. The thoughts grow as freely as the flowers, and the dreams are as beautiful.
~Abram L. Urban

WEEDS

A weed is but an unloved flower. 
~Ella Wheeler Wilcox

What is a weed? I have heard it said that there are sixty definitions. For me, a weed is a plant out of place. 
~Donald Culross Peattie

I learn more about God
From weeds than from roses;
Resilience springing
Through the smallest chink of hope
In the absolute of concrete....
~Phillip Pulfrey
 
You must weed your mind as you would weed your garden. 
~Terri Guillemets

SPRING

Springtime is the land awakening. The March winds are the morning yawn.
~Quoted by Lewis Grizzard
 
Spring makes its own statement, so loud and clear that the gardener seems to be only one of the instruments, not the composer. 
~Geoffrey B. Charlesworth

Where man sees but withered leaves,
God sees sweet flowers growing.
~Albert Laighton

And Spring arose on the garden fair,
Like the Spirit of Love felt everywhere;
And each flower and herb on Earth's dark breast
rose from the dreams of its wintry rest.
~Percy Bysshe Shelley, "The Sensitive Plant"

SOUL

The windows of my soul I throw
Wide open to the sun.
~John Greenleaf Whittier, My Psalm

Good for the body is the work of the body, good for the soul the work of the soul, and good for either the work of the other. 
~Henry David Thoreau

A sensible man will remember that the eyes may be confused in two ways - by a change from light to darkness or from darkness to light; and he will recognize that the same thing happens to the soul.
~Plato
 
With all your science - can you tell how it is, and whence it is, that light comes into the soul?
~Henry David Thoreau

The soul, like the body, lives by what it feeds on. 
~Josiah Gilbert Holland

Poetry Sunday~ Tended

Job 14: 7 For there is hope of a tree, if it be cut down, that it will sprout again, and that the tender branch thereof will not cease.
***

Tended 
(c) Joni Zipp
***
Lavish land erupts with life.
fingers work the palette knife
lonely garden has no room
for the doubtful saddened bloom.

Bursting forth in a frenzied display
leaves struggle to come what may.
Seeds sail to the moistened soil,
pleasantly placed with little toil.

Grass it bleeds from the blade
burning beads for lack of shade.
bouncing back not missing a step,
safely sprayed alive with pep!

Nurtured now all newly grown
your life can reap all its sown.
The garden bows in bashful delight
the moon it blinks a warm goodnight.

All rights reserved: copyright © Joni Zipp

Poetry Sunday

I thought maybe I'd make Sundays for sharing my poetry.

The Secret Garden

Bellflower bluebells bask in the meadow.

Thorny thistles lie in the ghetto.

Dancing dandelions run in the field.

Wilting wallflower sanity's shield.



Irreverent iris' play in the soil.

Wacky weeds burst without toil.

Victorious violets vie for attention.

Wanton will weakens perception.



Lilting lilies leap from the earth.

Doting daisies demand rebirth.

Panicky pansies parallel pleasure.

Lust is lost amid the treasure.



Rambling roses the trellis awaits.

A graceful gardenia gallantly gaits.

Towering tulips taunt the path.

Inner search sweltering wrath.



Ornate orchids ogle the sun.

Perpetual petunias pause for fun.

Dainty daffodils dally in the garden.

Fallacy feigns my heart to harden.



Lovely lotus lavishly stands.

Brilliantly born of my own hands.

Intricately intimate my mind can create.

Bellowing blossoms in a garden of hate.



Behold the beauty of which I told.

Hidden meaning the garden does hold.

For every drop of rain that pours.

Poison purity; the choice is yours.