Beauty ~ To Each His Own

Pss. 36:2 “For he flattereth himself in his own eyes, until his iniquity be found to be hateful.”

As some of you may know, I attended a Catholic school from first to eighth grades. Daily I wore the uniform of the plaid jumpers with a white collared shirt for five years, to the plaid skirt and white shirt for another three. 

I never had to worry about competing with looking good to the other girls. Each passing year the time came for me to receive my hand-me-down jumpers from my shorter sister. Yeah, I was taller than my sister by second grade and even with the awkward unleashing of the hem the length was still too short, for me. 

All the other girls had new pristine jumpers every year obviously from a wealthier family but me and my little jumpers, we made it through five years, and the skirts lasted for three. Only on weekends and after school did I wear different, more comfortable clothes and I always decided that this was when I was defiantly going to show my body in a way the nuns would scoff.

I suffered from low self-esteem as a child always trying to be different and I would dress to where I would be noticed, whether it was in butt bearing shorts, halter tops or painted on jeans. I was being noticed; icy blue/gray eyes, long flowing blonde hair, a perfect size zero. It didn’t take me long to figure out that men (yes grown men) were not looking at me (a child) because I was cute, they were looking at me like I was a raw steak being fired up on the grill and they couldn’t wait to stick a fork in me! Certainly not the attention I was seeking.

As I grew, I matured and realized I didn’t need that sort of attention; my tastes in clothing grew, as did my self-esteem. Sure I was now a perfect size six, still long flowing blonde hair and icy blue/gray eyes but something had changed within me; I found God. No longer was I dressing for beastly men, I was now dressing for God! I wanted Him to notice the beauty within me and I longed to please Him in every way.

The problem with that was I was still being noticed in my modestly covered up body but no longer seen as a steak on a grill, I was being admired as a beautiful woman. People saw something in me and I’m most certain it was God shining through me; I had finally become the modest young lady my father could be proud of and the person my heavenly Father didn’t have to turn His head away from.

It saddens me today to look around and see the young girls dressing like they want to work the strip in their hot-pants and boob bearing shirts but I also see that men have not changed over my lifetime. Since the beginning of time man has lusted after the female gender, sadly young or old. Women have always wanted to be looked at and some of us will go to great measure to see our esteem lifted. I would never go to the lengths women do today with all of the plastic surgery from their noses all the way down to their butts. They NEED to be seen and men NEED to look. 

How can I help these young girls? Do I judge them? Do I laugh at their foolishness or do I show compassion and understanding knowing I was much like them once?

Besides pray, I’ll write. The only way to look beautiful and I mean REALLY beautiful is when you have self-confidence. You don’t need tattoos and to be pierced in every orifice to feel confident; you don’t need to dress in slutty attire to attract a man. A real man is attracted to inner beauty that exudes from you whether you’re dowdy or absolutely gorgeous. The beauty you carry inside is what finds the real men to marry, not the false bravado you traipse around and taunt men with. You need to know you’re worth something to YOU not just an object for men to be their eye candy!

I’ve seen many young girls walk into church looking like they were going out to a nightclub and yes, I would think what on EARTH possessed them to wear THAT? Then I remember…I was once like that too; in time they’ll realize it is only for God they should look good for, not for the MAN beast or the WOMAN competitor. Build confidence in YOURSELF, dress for YOU, see your beauty as God sees your beauty! He doesn’t see you with dyed hair, tons of make-up – He sees you naked and bare and what He sees is BEAUTY!

For the non-believers please know, if you’re dressed as a lady of the evening and you’re attracting men and boys, know that they’re not worth the air you breathe if sleaze is what they’re interested in. Maybe it IS what you’re interested in; a life with no breath. 

Poetry Sunday ~ O Soul of Mine

Isa. 42:25 Therefore he hath poured upon him the fury of his anger, and the strength of battle: and it hath set him on fire round about, yet he knew not; and it burned him, yet he laid it not to heart.

O Soul of Mine

O fretful soul of mine that grieves
Is it thou that freely leaves?
Lost amid the fruitful wine
Fleshing over such fragrant vine.

Will thou remain a mystery;
True divine I never see?
Or wilt thou rain on me with blessing,
Teach me yet another lesson?

Scouring through the murky mire,
Passion snared for earthly desire.
A valiant cross that I must bear.
My heart entwines in thy snare.

O earthly soul for all I gave,
Dwells within a darkened cave.
Allow thy shield of purity,
Seep in through my elegy.

Allow thy light to shine on me,
O soul of mine I thrive on thee.
Bequeath me in thy blazon glory;
Release from me this inner fury.

Pss. 11:1 In the LORD put I my trust: How say ye to my soul, Flee as a bird to your mountain?

Living in Sin

Jer. 50:6 My people hath been lost sheep: their shepherds have caused them to go astray, they have turned them away on the mountains: they have gone from mountain to hill, they have forgotten their restingplace.

People love to read about OTHER people having hard times and struggling with life. Take for example what you read everyday (whether internet or the newspaper) Is the first thing you read about a lost dog whose found its owner? Good things happening in the world? No? You read about the house fire that took lives and a home. You read about all the negative things happening in the world and why? Because humans are wired to relish other people’s pain, it seems to me.

Please don’t give me the bull about it being the only thing that is being reported. That’s just hogwash, it is what you CHOSE to read, isn’t it? Just like my blogging days, you don’t read the Feel-Good posts (some do and I thank you) and my uplifting words, I get amazingly more hits when I talk about everything that goes WRONG in my life. Humans are hard-wired that way.

Now onto me living in sin: Here’s the gist. I am living with a man and am unmarried to this man. Period! Right? WRONG! It is sinful, I know this but it continues? I have been with Steven eleven years now. Sure it would be so easy to just walk away and give up on this friendship entirely but is that what would please Him?

Last year my friend at church encouraged me to get the much needed divorce from my ex to make things right with God. My ex kept saying for years that HE’D file and by last year and still no filing, I took it upon myself and God saw to it that everything went smoothly and the divorce was finalized. My friend also assumed that the divorce would open the door and allow Steven and I to be married, but a proposal never came. Did I weep and stomp my feet demanding marriage? No. Why? Because I really didn’t want ‘marriage’.

I am a female, living with a man. And that’s a sin?  I’m not having adulterated sex, hosting orgies, skipping from man to man, no, I’m a female living with a man who is taking care of me and my son; food, shelter, and the comfort of not being alone. And THAT is a sin? I don’t understand what makes one sin different from any other sin. Sin is sin, I get that.

So my church is against the ‘appearance’ of living as a couple and not being married in a spiritually blessed union. But isn’t judging me by ‘appearance’ a sin also? What makes it okay for them to sin? When mine is wrong ‘in their eyes’.

Last year when we had a ‘meeting’ with the pastor he flat out told me to leave Steven for a few months, date other people, and live life ‘outside of sin’, and if we found our way back to each other, marry, and THEN live together.

WHAT?

First of all, Steven is a caregiver! For eleven years he has taken care of me and we both have struggled through disabilities (his blindness and my arthritis in my back) and yet he STILL takes care of me. He knows I’m not eligible for S.S. or any other means of assistance from the government and yet he STILL takes care of me.

Second of all: Where would I go? No money. No family. Nothing. Just a son who still needs to get his license to get a job and a CAR!

Thirdly: Meet other men? No thank you! I have been with two men in my life and three strikes I’m out! So no, dating another man is not an option for me.

This judgment of ‘living in sin’ has placed enormous guilt on me. I never felt guilty before everyone started saying, “When are you two getting married?” and “Living in sin is a sin not accepted by Christ!”

So are they telling me that if we walked up to Christ, He’d look us in the eye and say, “I can’t help you as long as you are living in sin.”? Really?  Is this the Christ I’m eternally faithful to? Am I disillusioned?

NO I’M NOT!!!

I KNOW what the bible says about marriage. The sanctity of marriage is a spiritual sacred step that two people take in binding themselves together, til death do they part! Steven and I don’t feel that for one another and that is wrong? This is where my confusion creeps in.

I love Steven, he is my best friend who knows every ugly thing about me and I him. We’re roommates and nothing more and I’m being judged for living with my best friend? I have taken this to God and HE doesn’t judge us. HE knows us, our situation and has NEVER put on our hearts to get married so as not to ‘live in sin’. HE knows our sin, sent his Son to DIE for our sin and when people go around judging other people for their sins, I’d like to say, he who is without sin, go ahead, cast the first stone!

When I met my ex, I was 15. I married him at seventeen and we stayed married for twenty years before it fell apart. We knew it was broken and we made the decision to part. He let me down. I was spiritually bound to him for life and he let me down in a big way.

The blossoming friendship online grew to a physical friendship in person with Steven. I knew he didn’t love God the way I did and I thought I could ‘help’ him find God. Not by force, just by happenstance meaning by things that happened, he’d turn to God. And sure enough he did but then this trivial thing with the church happened and he’s giving up on God? How sad to watch his nine years of growth go right down the tubes. I think ego and pride, YouTube, gaming (works of satan) stepped in and snared him.

And now satan wants me to step aside and leave Steven to him? I don’t think so, satan! That is NOT how I roll! I will stay until he tells me to leave. I will be a caring, loving friend for his lifetime if he needs me to be. I will continue to show him how Christ works in MY life and maybe, just maybe one day he’ll be swayed BACK to Christ. Just because he’s giving up on God does NOT mean God is giving up on him!

Prov. 28: 10 Whoso causeth the righteous to go astray in an evil way, he shall fall himself into his own pit: but the upright shall have good things in possession.