An Emotional Healing

Jer. 30:13 “There is none to plead thy cause, that thou mayest be bound up: thou hast no healing medicines.”

Emotional Healing

I am so grateful that I’m a writer. I sit and wonder now if this wasn’t Gods plan all along; writing being my emotional healing tool during this phase of my life. I don’t even think I can put into words the elation I feel writing to you all and expressing my inner emotions. Some people have a hard time verbally communicating let alone penning their thoughts.

I find writing to be a part of my emotional healing. Healing that isn’t going to take place unless I heal emotionally as well. I can physically see and feel different aspects of my healing taking place. I believe I’ve penned everything there is to emotionally heal from unless there is some dark sinister revelation inside me churning that will spring up in time and devastate all the progress I’m making. 

I don’t see anything unknown popping up because, throughout my life, I’ve always been an open book where anyone who meets me whether online or face to face sees the real me, not a mask-wearing woman with hidden closets waiting to be cleaned out. 

Since I found out that stress and anxiety are partly to blame for this diagnosis, I had to dig really deep because I wasn’t even aware of the anxiety eating at me on a very cellular level. Dig and dig again finding the minutest of reasons for any anxiety I might be harboring. 

I have prayed and meditated for years but what I do now is an added meditation where I clean out my entire system from the inside out. You know how when Spring comes you’re inclined to clean out the closets and throw away old clothes and junk that has accumulated over the years? Well, our bodies need this same cleaning out and on a daily basis if we are ever to be healthy, non-toxic, non-drug induced creations. 

Anxiety stems from fear and God is not of fear. There is an enemy just waiting to pounce on the smallest inclination of any fear that hides in you. You might be of the chest pumping variety that says, I’m not afraid of anything, but let me ask, would you toss out those hundreds of dollars worth of meds? Why? Because you fear what might happen if you do? Fear is fear and yes that is a fear! Oh I can hear some saying that tossing meds is just plain stupid, but I’m saying, you wouldn’t even NEED those meds if you cleaned the TOXINS from your life.

Stress and worry are debilitating. Something as small as, will I be able to pay the bills this month, or will I have money to feed my family? They are worries and stress on levels you don’t even realize that eat at your immune system and as soon as your immune system is weakened, a disease strikes like a snake lashing out to bite its victim.

The root cause of much of my anxiety was my previous marriage. I’m not even joking a little bit here. I know many people who will say when there’s a problem within the marriage it is Godly to work it out and stay. I say whatever works for you does not work for all. And there IS a reason people divorce because they did try to work it out, they stayed until they suffocated trying to hold pieces of the marriage together. 

I was married at the tender age of seventeen and stayed in a toxic filled, anxiety-laden marriage for TWENTY YEARS! I can guarantee ninety percent of what I have attacking my body is because of my previous marriage. I could feel healing taking place the moment I left home but the damage had already been done, the cells were falling apart, the immune system had become unraveled and an illness slapped me upside the chest, quite literally.

After I left home, so many aspects of my past haunted me for years. I was out here with my Savior by my side the entire time and the enemy was back home sending out the whipping tool trying to rein me in via guilt and shame. I didn’t succumb and even after discussing divorce with my ex, he still thought he owned me and could wait years upon years before ever filing for divorce. 

My ex would never be a man and face the damages he caused, and not taking care of his son was taking its toll on my son and me. This was a layer of the onion exposed. It was bitter, it hurt peeling the reality away, it scarred me and I’m now paying for that weakened part of me. 

I filed for divorce and stood on the solid ground knowing this is what I had to do if I was ever going to heal completely. The marriage wouldn’t evaporate all by itself. The years of pain and contamination festered inside of me until it bubbled over into a deathly disease. I believed I was healing all of those years away from home and I was but like I said, the mutilation had scarred me and had detrimental results.

I am now on a path of emotional cleansing from my past. It wasn’t just the marriage but the family also. It is kind of hard throwing all of those skeleton bones out of the closet when they had been such a big part of my life for such a long time. I need to let go to heal. I’m freeing myself of the ties that had me bound. I am standing on the solid Rock of my Lord who has blessed me unconditionally all of these years and it’s the only emotional cleanser I can use.

I have people whom I thought were my friends abandon me and I have to release them too from any obligation of caring for me. I need real friends to surround me and lift me up and not abandon me when I NEED them the most. I’m not in this alone, if you say you’re my true friend, you are with me on this journey, like it or not, God has called you to CARE!

From the link above: “Take the time NOW to do an inventory of individuals you can count on. Who can you truly rely on to be there in your darkest hour? Who may have a listening ear? Stay away from those who leave you burnt out and stressed.”

I need to release some people to feel the full crux of the healing aspect. This realization of a traumatic marriage is a good part of my cleansing taking place. I have to release guilt, shame, and blame to free myself to accept the mending of my immune system. Emotional healing is never fun but it is an exhilarating portion of the patchwork quilt that will cover me, comfort me and HEAL me for the rest of my life.

All praise and Glory to God!

Acts 10:38 “How God anointed Jesus of Nazareth with the Holy Ghost and with power: who went about doing good, and healing all that were oppressed of the devil; for God was with him.”

MTOC ~ Day Four: Mysteries of God

Philippians 3:13-14 (NIV)

One thing I do: Forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead, I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus.

I should be dead right now. When I was three-years-old my brother and sister were pushing me on a swing when my cries to stop pushing me higher didn’t get them to stop, they continued until I jumped off the swing and flew toward the wire fence, catching my wrist and slicing it like a thanksgiving day turkey. I have the stitches to prove it. I should be dead but I lived.

You’d think that by doing all the drugs I did as a child LSD, PCP, the enormous amount of marijuana, and not to mention my overdose on alcohol would have killed me, but here I am, alive to tell about it. People like me should be dead but here’s the thing, I think God had a plan. I know many of you don’t believe in God, you don’t believe in something greater than yourself and you know why? Because you’re selfish, you think of you. I didn’t mean that to be judgmental, I meant it as an observance on MY healing.

I was not one consumed with myself, I put others before me. Sure I was a bad kid but I always thought of the other people before I thought of healing myself. I turned to God because I had heard he was a great healer and after the loss of my firstborn child (at sixteen) to stillbirth, The Holy Spirit consumed me and helped me during my grief and stayed with me to this day.

When you care for other people, which means you love, you can’t have love in you without God being in you because God IS love. Some people see it that way while others just see love as an emotion. Many religions and spiritual faiths revolve around love. Love is the center and the God of their faith, period.

As dysfunctional as my upbringing was, I never knew what Meth was or heroine, and I NEVER stuck a needle in my arm; in some form, that was my saving grace. At twenty-one years old as I started down the path of change, I watched many ‘friends’ die by making the wrong choice in life. Whether it was by an overdose, a shooting, jail, or trying to reform, death was surrounding me but yet I was alive and breaking free. I didn’t see it as scientific, I know it wasn’t ‘luck’, I never believed in coincidence, the one thing that was left was GOD. God saved me and HE guided me. 

My twenty-year marriage wasn’t ALL that bad as I seem to paint it, we had some pretty good years and the birth of a living son. It was toward the end when we started growing apart instead of growing together. I saw a future in writing. I was witnessing my growth and seeing the impact that God was having on my life. I saw my growth and healing and my ex didn’t want to grow and change for the better, he just wanted to control and obsess. 

So I wound up in Texas after giving up all of my earthly possessions. My husband gave me two weeks to get out of ‘his’ house. I took my son and saw a brighter future for him than the Baltimore streets would have ever allowed.

I had met a stranger online and for ten months we got to know one another on a spiritual level. He wasn’t a George Clooney prince coming to save me, he was more of a John Cusack silent knight in shining armor coming to my emotional rescue. My husband knew he had lost the battle to control me so he let me go and feigned defeat. 

The night before I left, Steven and I went to my sister’s for dinner and to say our goodbyes to the kids. No one showed up except my mother. My sister and I left on bitter terms because I had sat a rock on her precious oak table. I told her my Rock was the reason I had the strength to follow on a path that will lead me away. To this day, I still have the rock, the physical one AND the Spiritual Rock! 

Alone in Texas, I had to redefine myself; learn to love this stranger on what was now a physical level. It didn’t happen immediately and we had to grow to be better people and as a team WE chose God and the church (or did God choose us?) My son, Steven and I all grew together to become one family, united. Again, it was not luck, not science, no coincidence involved, it was something greater and more spiritual that drove us. 

Six growing years in Texas for me when we found a fork in the road called blindness. We had to move to Nebraska and surround ourselves with his family who could empower us to get through a very troubled time. His family is one that had God in their lives instilled early on by grandparents. The light of their ancestry shone round about us as we embarked on this journey. On April 26th, my deceased daughter Astri’s birthday, we sailed (or I drove) off to the safe haven of the Midwest.

Strength washed over us, the Church was our anchor and his family was the boat that drifted us into a safe harbor. Miraculously his sight was restored two and a half years later, prayers were answered and as we anchored ourselves to the shore, six years after we arrived in Nebraska we were united in marriage surrounded by my son and his mother. 

The mysteries of God is there for everyone to behold but again we live in a world where everyone but a few are consumed with themselves; what they can get out of the world, what the world owes them and who is to blame for nothing happening the way they planned. The Mysteries of God are unraveling before me, and the only way for me to relay the story is to fulfill my purpose and my dream and that is to WRITE. 

God Bless you ALL!

Ecc. 3:1 “To every thing there is a season, and a time to every purpose under the heaven:” 

We're Married

Matt. 19:6 Wherefore they are no more twain, but one flesh. What therefore God hath joined together, let not man put asunder.

It took some time getting here but we finally did it, we got married! I went over some of the things we’ve endured over the past thirteen years in an earlier blog post so I won’t go on repeating. I will say that after Steven got his sight back that is when things started to shift for us.

When I chose the date for when the marriage would take place, I had to have the numbers align. I know, I’m crazy, but just any old day was not good enough. This is a wedding, a marriage that will last a lifetime if we’re lucky so the date had to have SOME significance to it.

I chose May 13, 2015 for a reason, here goes: We’ve been together 13 years. My grandmother (and grandfather) who passed away when I was eight lived at 1313 and my Great Grandmother lived at 1315. 5-13-15 seemed significant. 13 years, 13 13, 13 15, the numbers just all looked right, so I picked that day. My grandmother died in March and my grandfather in May, May 22^nd to be exact but a friend of mine already had that as a wedding day. My other grandmother passed away on 3 15, so there you have it, all the numbers lined up for me.

Unbeknownst to me, when I told my niece of the day she said, “That’s cool, that is the day Matt and I got married!” I wasn’t back home when my niece got married so I didn’t remember her specific day of marriage but it made mine all the more significant.

The courthouse held significance because of its historic beauty. When we first arrived in Nebraska that was the courthouse we had to go to get my license changed over and Steven was having his put to sleep for a few years until his sight would be restored. The wood aroma that clung to every nook and cranny of the place was reminiscent of my childhood vacation Bible School. Isn’t it funny how those old smells will revive an old memory?

It is also the courthouse where I would file and be granted my divorce. Minden was now a part of my life. My marriage to Steven in the Minden courthouse would be planted permanently in my history book.

The judge asked if we wanted the marriage to take place in the courtroom, but I wanted it in between floors in front of a picturesque window. We had been there almost an hour and had only seen one person walk the stairs, so yes, in between floors was the perfect spot! My sister-in-law would take the pictures and my son and mother-in-law would be our witnesses.

The ceremony went off without a hitch (no pun intended) and we signed the legal documents and were on our way. Mom-in-law was treating us all to a meal at the place of our choice. I chose Applebees a lovely restaurant neither Steven nor I had been to before. The menus were served as were drinks and we had a most delicious meal, Steven with his steak and taters on the side, I with my chicken and shrimp smothered in garlic sauce with mushrooms and onions on the side. WOW! Then onto dessert; I think I gained ten pounds from that one meal! One meal that was SOOOO worth it!

The desserts were not of the normal cake and pie stature. No, this place had fancy-schmancy desserts. Steven had deep-fried battered pretzels, drizzled with caramel and an icing dip on the side! He had about ten to fifteen bites on the plate and I tried one and it was AWESOME! Me, I had a strawberry shortcake cheesecake with whipped topping! It was a small cup filled with delight. That is why I ordered it after eating such a hearty meal; I never eat dessert but this was too hard to resist.

We ate, laughed, giggled and chatted then we all parted. The in-laws brought Adam home and Steven and I went for a ride. Where to? I chose the cemetery where his father and grandmother are laid to rest. Steven hasn’t been there since we returned to Nebraska and I made a promise to his deceased father that I would see to it that Steven would be there when we got married. It seemed fitting to include his dad in the day in our small way.

Without all the intimate details, we ended the day with a movie. I chose You’ve Got Mail for obvious reasons to those who know our story. And today the 14^th we will venture out and see the movie that has been most anticipated to see on his list, The Avengers:Age of Ultron. I’m not a Marvel fan and The Avengers was a so so movie to me, but this is where the art of compromise comes in, in the marriage. I’ll go see it because he loves it! He’ll go see The Minion movie when it comes out in July. hahahaha

We woke this morning and I said, “Good morning, hubby.”

When he woke he said, “Morning Wife!”

And the story that doesn’t end… goes on and on my friends. 

*names/places changed for protection

We're Getting Married

Rom. 6:14-15  “For sin shall not have dominion over you: for ye are not under the law, but under grace. What then? shall we sin, because we are not under the law, but under grace? God forbid.”

We’re Getting Married

After thirteen years together we’re finally getting married on Wednesday, May 13th. Many will ask, “A Wednesday?”

Yes, a Wednesday at the Historic Courthouse of Minden, Nebraska. (see pic above taken from google pics)

Why a courthouse? Well let me tell you.

When Steven realized I didn’t want all the glitz and glamor of a wedding (been there done that) I think we both realized it might be time to get married. We’ve had a tough road laid out for us in the beginning, what with meeting online, both committing sin neither of us were too happy about committing. (He being divorced, me being married but separated kept us from nuptials.)

We both talked about marriage, we both wanted it but with obstacles in our way and climbing hurdles the task became too much. I won’t say money hindered us because any time we needed ANYTHING the good Lord provided for us, so it wasn’t necessarily money keeping us from marriage.

Many of my friends and readers know about Steven going blind a few years ago, so there was that. Then we had doctor appointments upon doctor appointments, in Omaha no less and yes funds came out of the woodwork to get us from point A to point B.

Our church made it quite clear a few times (not just once) that they could not marry us as long as we were living in sin! They told us point blank that we needed to separate for a few months, date other people and if we found our way back to one another than this is what God has brought together.

Umm…wait, God didn’t bring us together thirteen years ago? For crying out loud we met through a screen! God had no hand in that? We chatted online for ten months before my husband threw his son and me out of the house and told us he never wanted to see us again. (Trust me on this one, it had more to do with his mental instability than any friend I had online.)

My ex had been struggling for YEARS (I stayed 20 of them) and there was no help or aid on this earth that could see this man through (and to this day still hasn’t). He wanted nothing to do with his son, he only wanted to control and obsess over me and a friend on the net came and saved my life! THAT is how *I* see it.

To this day I still say that it was God who brought Steven to my front door. While on the net, there were many girls and guys who knew my predicament and wanted to help but Steven is the only one who loaded up his truck and made his way from Texas to Baltimore to save me, a damsel in distress.

Where was my family? They knew my ex was obsessed with me and a control freak and my brother-in-law even tried to get his minister to help. It didn’t help, my ex just tried to control and manipulate that situation too. My family was giving up on him and saw no way to help my son and ME so I left and have NEVER looked backed!

I chose the road less traveled! Now to be told by the church and the very people I was trusting with my life that Steven and I had to separate, put me in a whirlwind of confusion. Where would I go? I can’t go back home. I don’t want to SEE other men. I don’t want to separate. Those were the rules. Rules we never agreed to so we settled on a courthouse wedding where the LAW wouldn’t deny us.

Thirty-seven years of always being controlled and owned I was thrown into a new state, Texas, miles and miles away from home for the first time in my life. The first weeks maybe months I was scared, so much so anxiety attacks took over and many nights of tears were being shed for my loneliness and my son who was seven, who didn’t understand one thing going on around him.

Steven and I grew. We fell in love. I was urged to divorce my (ex) husband after all of his false promises to do so fell apart. To this day I don’t even know if he knows we’re divorced. I do know he is living in Florida somewhere with his brother, but he still has no contact with the son he left behind.

The light at the end of the tunnel, Nebraska, became our saving grace. In Texas, Steven was going blind and he wanted to be near his family. His family and the good Lord saw to it that our journey was well blessed. A home, food and a good family surrounding us, we were well on our way. ONLY with God’s blessing did we get this far; and now we’re asked to separate by our Church, whom we’ve grown to love and trust?

I asked God what He wanted and well, marriage was the answer to our dilemma and again HE said He’d bless our journey. I’m not going to get into what God said to me, I DO have some things I keep private. I’m glad Steven and I took the time to get to know each other and grow in love together before we jumped into marriage. Nowadays marriage is not a sacred ceremony, people do it to just get it done and over with but we waited for God and HIS blessing on this union and so here we are.

We could have searched and found a church in Nebraska to marry us but we kind of feel let down by the entire institution. Don’t get me wrong; I understand completely that it is OUR sin that was not accepted and I’m okay with that, but you know what? Jesus died for OUR sin and HE accepts us.

Rom. 8:2 For the law of the Spirit of life in Christ Jesus hath made me free from the law of sin and death.

Instead of a rinky-dink newly built courthouse, I chose the Historic courthouse of Minden Nebraska, built by the some of the very first settlers in the state of Nebraska.

God has blessed our journey and has brought us to this path in life. May He continue to watch over and fruitfully bless our journey.

Quotation Saturday ~ Love and Marriage

Rev. 19:7 “Let us be glad and rejoice, and give honour to him: for the marriage of the Lamb is come, and his wife hath made herself ready.”

MARRIAGE

“It is not a lack of love, but a lack of friendship that makes unhappy marriages.”
~ Friedrich Nietzsche

“To be fully seen by somebody, then, and be loved anyhow - this is a human offering that can border on miraculous.”
~ Elizabeth Gilbert

“The essential matrimonial facts: that to be happy you have to find variety in repetition; that to go forward you have to come back to where you begin.”
~ Jeffrey Eugenides

“Maybe you expected marriage to be perfect - I guess that's where you and I are different. See, I thought it would be all about making mistakes, but doing it with someone who's there to remind you what you learned along the way.”
~ Jodi Picoult

LOVE

“You've gotta dance like there's nobody watching,
Love like you'll never be hurt,
Sing like there's nobody listening,
And live like it's heaven on earth.”
~ William W. Purkey

“We accept the love we think we deserve.”
~ Stephen Chbosky

“Only once in your life, I truly believe, you find someone who can completely turn your world around. In their presence, there’s no need for continuous conversation, but you find you’re quite content in just having them nearby. Things that never interested you before become fascinating because you know they are important to this person who is so special to you. You think of this person on every occasion and in everything you do. Simple things bring them to mind like a pale blue sky, gentle wind or even a storm cloud on the horizon. You open your heart knowing that there’s a chance it may be broken one day and in opening your heart, you experience a love and joy that you never dreamed possible. You find that being vulnerable is the only way to allow your heart to feel true pleasure that’s so real it scares you. You find strength in knowing you have a true friend and possibly a soul mate who will remain loyal to the end. Life seems completely different, exciting and worthwhile. Your only hope and security is in knowing that they are a part of your life.”
~ Bob Marley

HONOR

“Courage. Kindness. Friendship. Character. These are the qualities that define us as human beings, and propel us, on occasion, to greatness.”
~ R.J. Palacio

“When you find a guy who calls you beautiful instead of hot, who calls you back when you hang up on him, who will stand in front of you when other’s cast stones, or will stay awake just to watch you sleep, who wants to show you off to the world when you are in sweats, who will hold your hand when your sick, who thinks your pretty without makeup, the one who turns to his friends and say, ‘that’s her’, the one that would bear your rejection because losing you means losing his will to live, who kisses you when you screw up, watches the stars and names one for you and will hold and rock that baby for hours so you can sleep…..you marry him all over again.”
~ Shannon L. Alder

“The most tragic thing in the world is a man of genius who is not a man of honor.”
~ George Bernard Shaw

“The greatest way to live with honour in this world is to be what we pretend to be.”
~ Socrates

CHERISH

“Cherish every moment with those you love at every stage of your journey.”
~ Jack Layton

“But for the most part, love is a recognition, an opportunity to say, 'There is something about you I cherish.”
~ Raymond E. Feist

“I remembered every moment between us, and every moment felt more precious as time passed.”
~ Shannon A. Thompson

“Never let the little things, disrupt the biggest things you cherish in life. The smallest mistake, can cause the biggest regret and hurt to your closest companion.”
~ Unarine Ramaru

“I now pronounce you man and wife. These are the words I will be hearing this week as I embark on a new leg of this journey called life. My soul mate and I are going to ride off into the sunset of marriage. Will it be a blissful lifetime? I think it will be more on the lines a challenge. Marriage is a lifetime commitment to bring a new challenge, a new love, a new strength into every single day and grow. ~ I DO!”

~ Joni Zipp

Matt. 22:9 “Go ye therefore into the highways, and as many as ye shall find, bid to the marriage.”

 

 

Quotation Saturday ~ Valentine's Day

Matt. 19:6 Wherefore they are no more twain, but one flesh. What therefore God hath joined together, let not man put asunder.

Valentine’s Day

“If Valentine’s Day is the day of love. I think every day should be Valentine’s Day. If we don’t live everyday in love than why live at all?”

~ Joni Zipp

“Sharing oft leaves less.
   But with love the more we share,
     the fuller our hearts.”
~ J. Benson

“Most people are slow to champion love because they fear the transformation it brings into their lives. And make no mistake about it: love does take over and transform the schemes and operations of our egos in a very mighty way.”
~ Aberjhani

“Today's Valentine's Day. There's a whole day devoted solely to love. Does that make any sense? Nah. Love makes us all crazy. But it's fun too.”
~ Lisa Greenwald

“Love knows nothing of short hauls because it has committed itself for the long haul.”
~ Craig D. Lounsbrough

LOVE

“You've gotta dance like there's nobody watching,
Love like you'll never be hurt,
Sing like there's nobody listening,
And live like it's heaven on earth.”
~ William W. Purkey

“You open your heart knowing that there’s a chance it may be broken one day and in opening your heart, you experience a love and joy that you never dreamed possible. You find that being vulnerable is the only way to allow your heart to feel true pleasure that’s so real it scares you. You find strength in knowing you have a true friend and possibly a soul mate who will remain loyal to the end. Life seems completely different, exciting and worthwhile. Your only hope and security is in knowing that they are a part of your life.”
~ Bob Marley

“Love is that condition in which the happiness of another person is essential to your own.”
~ Robert A. Heinlein

“And, in the end
The love you take
is equal to the love you make.”
~ Paul McCartney

MARRIAGE

“I don't want to be married just to be married. I can't think of anything lonelier than spending the rest of my life with someone I can't talk to, or worse, someone I can't be silent with.”
~ Mary Ann Shaffer

“It is not a lack of love, but a lack of friendship that makes unhappy marriages.”
~ Friedrich Nietzsche

“To be fully seen by somebody, then, and be loved anyhow - this is a human offering that can border on miraculous.”
~ Elizabeth Gilbert

“Aim high, but do not aim so high that you totally miss the target. What really matters is that he will love you, that he will respect you, that he will honor you, that he will be absolutely true to you, that he will give you the freedom of expression and let you fly in the development of your own talents. He is not going to be perfect, but if he is kind and thoughtful, if he knows how to work and earn a living, if he is honest and full of faith, the chances are you will not go wrong, that you will be immensely happy.”
~ Gordon B. Hinckley

“A great marriage is not when the 'perfect couple' comes together. It is when an imperfect couple learns to enjoy their differences.”
~ Dave Meurer

He asked...I said YES! 

 

Love Online Gone Right

Matt. 22:30 For in the resurrection they neither marry, nor are given in marriage, but are as the angels of God in heaven.

Love Online Gone Right

The year was 2002. I had just discovered the internet via a free computer my bro-in-law had given me. I’ve told this story many times over the years but it is worth repeating because some things have changed and the backstory always gives you the broader picture.

My niece introduced me to a chatroom and the rest is history so to speak. I found it interesting that you could be this anonymous person and no one ever had to know the real you. Little did I know I was some sort of wave of electrical magnetism and could feel these people coming through my screen who were also anonymous.

I met Steven as an anonymous user and we became fast friends. I was married, he was married and we came together as friends who just needed someone to talk to. Little did I know we’d complete one another. He’d finish my sentences, I’d finish his; we found common interests that I had never shared with my husband of nineteen years.

It wasn’t a friendship based on comparison of our partners; it was a relationship being formed by the universe in some way. We knew it, our partners knew it and we all knew that there was something here that we couldn’t just walk away from, even though both spouses tried to pull us apart. This kind of soul meeting happens very few times in a lifetime and if you’ve ever been a part of a true soul-find, you know what I’m talking about.

Ten months later we took the plunge into the unknown and we met in person. Steven just coming off of a divorce and me with a marriage in shambles, and a child who needed more in life and more than my ex could ever give him.

The first couple of years were our feeling-each-other-out years. The discovery years I should say. This is where we would get to know each other in a physical sense instead of the months of a spiritual journey that we rode on. All new learning experiences for me since he was only the second man in my entire life that I ALLOWED to get into my mind; mentally, spiritually, and physically.

It wasn’t all rainbows and unicorns. At times I thought this was the biggest mistake in my life but then the thought of going back home scared me more than persevering and seeing what this future held for me. There were times I hated this man so much but the love for him was deeply embedded inside of me and the thought of a life without him was scarier than a life WITH him.

We found a church about the second year we were together. I was very committed to Christ while he had strayed from Christ over the years and wanted to return to Him. This made me very happy since my ex wouldn’t even think of church. Funny, how could I be so embroiled in Christ while neither man had even known the POWER of Him?

Then Steven went blind and my love for him turned into compassion. I was seeing him in a new light while he was relinquished to not seeing at all. I began wondering if this was the reason God brought us together so I could take care of him and show him the way into the Light of the Lord, hmm. Being blind showed Steven things he could have never experienced had he had his sight and I could feel our love deepening through this trial. After two years of being blind, the miracle of his sight was restored.

We had not really talked about marriage. We had both been there, done that sort of thing. I only just recently got a divorce and marriage just was not an option. Even though our church frowned on us living in sin, they did not understand the complexities of our relationship. We’re not bound together because of physical attraction or what we can give each other physically, our spirits binds us together.

Think of it like this:

We have this cute little electric heater sitting to my right. It’s black with a windowed front and the lattice-look that allows a fake fire to be seen behind; it is very attractive to the eye. We turn it off at night which means no electrical current is running through it. I unplug it sometimes and leave the cord just lying on the floor.

To me, this is what people come up against when they meet someone in the physical sense. They find themselves attracted to the physical person, but they haven’t plugged in the mechanism to see if it works. When they do plug in the relationship, it needs to work so like the heater, it is then turned on.

When you meet someone online, your spirits are plugged in and turned on right from the get go. It seems a little confusing and trying at times to understand what the connection is and where it came from, but if you don’t unplug it, it works. You feel the electrical current running through your system and it makes sense to keep that connection through the electrical vent of the cosmos.

Our church wanted us to turn-off our relationship for a while and see if we found our way back to one another. Sorry people, we’ve been plugged in for thirteen years now. We don’t have a relationship that turns on and off, we have a cosmic connection that can’t be unplugged from the universe.

Let me just say this, God is the current running through our veins so when we unplug from one another, we would be unplugging from Him and His connection and I’m not willing to do that.

Just last week Steven asked me to look at something…wedding bands. I’m not a fancy-scmancy kinda gal and he knows me so well I loved what he was looking at. Wait! Wedding bands? Is this a proposal? He said no in his rye only-I-can-understand sense of humor. I told him that it’s not the ring that matters; it’s what it symbolizes that does.

We’ve been through love, hate, trust, mistrust, doubts, fears, joy and sorrow and now after thirteen years together, an online connection gone right, we are now discussing a marriage that will bind us together for eternity. Let’s hope the ‘talk’ of marriage leads to one. 

Living in Sin

Jer. 50:6 My people hath been lost sheep: their shepherds have caused them to go astray, they have turned them away on the mountains: they have gone from mountain to hill, they have forgotten their restingplace.

People love to read about OTHER people having hard times and struggling with life. Take for example what you read everyday (whether internet or the newspaper) Is the first thing you read about a lost dog whose found its owner? Good things happening in the world? No? You read about the house fire that took lives and a home. You read about all the negative things happening in the world and why? Because humans are wired to relish other people’s pain, it seems to me.

Please don’t give me the bull about it being the only thing that is being reported. That’s just hogwash, it is what you CHOSE to read, isn’t it? Just like my blogging days, you don’t read the Feel-Good posts (some do and I thank you) and my uplifting words, I get amazingly more hits when I talk about everything that goes WRONG in my life. Humans are hard-wired that way.

Now onto me living in sin: Here’s the gist. I am living with a man and am unmarried to this man. Period! Right? WRONG! It is sinful, I know this but it continues? I have been with Steven eleven years now. Sure it would be so easy to just walk away and give up on this friendship entirely but is that what would please Him?

Last year my friend at church encouraged me to get the much needed divorce from my ex to make things right with God. My ex kept saying for years that HE’D file and by last year and still no filing, I took it upon myself and God saw to it that everything went smoothly and the divorce was finalized. My friend also assumed that the divorce would open the door and allow Steven and I to be married, but a proposal never came. Did I weep and stomp my feet demanding marriage? No. Why? Because I really didn’t want ‘marriage’.

I am a female, living with a man. And that’s a sin?  I’m not having adulterated sex, hosting orgies, skipping from man to man, no, I’m a female living with a man who is taking care of me and my son; food, shelter, and the comfort of not being alone. And THAT is a sin? I don’t understand what makes one sin different from any other sin. Sin is sin, I get that.

So my church is against the ‘appearance’ of living as a couple and not being married in a spiritually blessed union. But isn’t judging me by ‘appearance’ a sin also? What makes it okay for them to sin? When mine is wrong ‘in their eyes’.

Last year when we had a ‘meeting’ with the pastor he flat out told me to leave Steven for a few months, date other people, and live life ‘outside of sin’, and if we found our way back to each other, marry, and THEN live together.

WHAT?

First of all, Steven is a caregiver! For eleven years he has taken care of me and we both have struggled through disabilities (his blindness and my arthritis in my back) and yet he STILL takes care of me. He knows I’m not eligible for S.S. or any other means of assistance from the government and yet he STILL takes care of me.

Second of all: Where would I go? No money. No family. Nothing. Just a son who still needs to get his license to get a job and a CAR!

Thirdly: Meet other men? No thank you! I have been with two men in my life and three strikes I’m out! So no, dating another man is not an option for me.

This judgment of ‘living in sin’ has placed enormous guilt on me. I never felt guilty before everyone started saying, “When are you two getting married?” and “Living in sin is a sin not accepted by Christ!”

So are they telling me that if we walked up to Christ, He’d look us in the eye and say, “I can’t help you as long as you are living in sin.”? Really?  Is this the Christ I’m eternally faithful to? Am I disillusioned?

NO I’M NOT!!!

I KNOW what the bible says about marriage. The sanctity of marriage is a spiritual sacred step that two people take in binding themselves together, til death do they part! Steven and I don’t feel that for one another and that is wrong? This is where my confusion creeps in.

I love Steven, he is my best friend who knows every ugly thing about me and I him. We’re roommates and nothing more and I’m being judged for living with my best friend? I have taken this to God and HE doesn’t judge us. HE knows us, our situation and has NEVER put on our hearts to get married so as not to ‘live in sin’. HE knows our sin, sent his Son to DIE for our sin and when people go around judging other people for their sins, I’d like to say, he who is without sin, go ahead, cast the first stone!

When I met my ex, I was 15. I married him at seventeen and we stayed married for twenty years before it fell apart. We knew it was broken and we made the decision to part. He let me down. I was spiritually bound to him for life and he let me down in a big way.

The blossoming friendship online grew to a physical friendship in person with Steven. I knew he didn’t love God the way I did and I thought I could ‘help’ him find God. Not by force, just by happenstance meaning by things that happened, he’d turn to God. And sure enough he did but then this trivial thing with the church happened and he’s giving up on God? How sad to watch his nine years of growth go right down the tubes. I think ego and pride, YouTube, gaming (works of satan) stepped in and snared him.

And now satan wants me to step aside and leave Steven to him? I don’t think so, satan! That is NOT how I roll! I will stay until he tells me to leave. I will be a caring, loving friend for his lifetime if he needs me to be. I will continue to show him how Christ works in MY life and maybe, just maybe one day he’ll be swayed BACK to Christ. Just because he’s giving up on God does NOT mean God is giving up on him!

Prov. 28: 10 Whoso causeth the righteous to go astray in an evil way, he shall fall himself into his own pit: but the upright shall have good things in possession.

Commitment

“There can be no half hearted disciples, because the essence of following Jesus is a total commitment… a disciple who will not deny self will never have any positive influence on anyone.” ~ Mark C. Black

We were reading a bible study a couple of weeks ago and it was about commitment. Not just to Christ but in relationships as well. I got sidetracked with my other posts and thought I’d come back to this one and when I seen Duke Taber speaking of commitment I knew it was time to get back on track and write about commitment.

The bible study said something like, “If you can’t commit in a relationship how are you ever going to commit fully to your relationship with Christ?” This scared me a little bit because after 11 years with Steven he has never wanted to commit to a marriage. I have been committed and wanted a marriage but I’m not one to force the marriage issue on anyone.

It speaks volumes to me because while he has become closer to God, he still has not wanted to commit to marriage for whatever selfish reasons he has in mind. To me, if he can’t commit to a woman, just how much has he really committed to Christ? This I strongly wonder.

I have stood by him through thick and thin, in sicknesses and health, through triumphs and through failures and through it all I still love him and am committed to him to where marriage is the next step, right? I guess not and it really has me thinking what Jesus expects from US as a human race? Does He expect us to halfway commit?

Not at all! He expects us to fully commit and that means denying self = selfishness, put our SELF on hold and think of others first. We can’t sit back and enjoy our sinful ways and not expect consequences. Pastor Dave said something a few weeks back that drove this home for me. He said our salvation is bought and paid for by the blood of the cross, it is non-refundable. BUT, don’t ever think there is no consequence to your sin!

I, as a committed Christian, am aware of the consequences of MY sin. When my truck went into a ditch a few years back, I knew rightly so it was a consequence of my sin. Now some will shrug off the consequences of sin as “Hey, stuff happens.” Sorry to burst your bubble but nothing EVER happens without a reason. When you become aware of the consequences, you become more aware of the sin and are less likely to commit that sin again. Well, most anyway, not ALL.

Now, back to commitment. When you commit to Christ you are committing all you own, all you have, all you are to Him and only Him. You’re not allowed to halfway be a Christian. You can’t honor or admire other gods, because that would be the false idol that you are relating to and if you can’t relate to Christ and all He commands, then you my friend have not committed to Christ FULLY.

2 Tim. 1:12 For the which cause I also suffer these things: nevertheless I am not ashamed: for I know whom I have believed, and am persuaded that he is able to keep that which I have committed unto him against that day.

Being a Christian is a commitment, like marriage, not just lip-service you pay to look good to others. A commitment is more than reading and believing. Let me ask you this, you say you listen to sermons on TV or the radio, you read, you believe. My question is this: If something happens in your life (a sickness and illness or a death) are those TV people gonna stand beside you and comfort you? Are they going to see you through hard times? NOT AT ALL.

It might be enough for you to go it alone with your pride saying, “I’m not alone, I have Christ.” Allow me to tell you, in your commitment to Christ, He placed the fellowship of Christians (church) to surround you and comfort you PHYSICALLY, not in some virtual realm.

You ARE committed, right? How? All the way or halfway?

“You can be committed to Church but not committed to Christ, but you cannot be committed to Christ and not committed to church.” ~ Joel Osteen