Monday, November 29, 2010


Prov. 14:13 Even in laughter the heart is sorrowful; and the end of that mirth is heaviness.
Today I’m going to go a little off topic. I mean after the exhausting week last week, I think my blog needs a break from all this writing biz. Sometimes it’s a welcome relief and I know you, my reader, you all like to see what’s happening in my life every now and again. Which not only makes me feel good, but it also makes me feel loved.

I never realized how depressing the holiday’s could be. I mean, in years past, living in Texas, I was down around the holidays because I missed my family back in Baltimore. I’ve been away almost eight years and only got back home once to see my mother and father. It’s around the holidays I miss them most. Not just Thanksgiving and Christmas, but holidays in general.

Back before I gave up my old life, my family was my life. Mother, father, sister, brothers, my son, hubby, nieces and nephews. The seasons of love, sharing and caring were all shared as a family. Sure I have a dysfunctional family but they are mine, and I loved the holidays with them.

Six years of loneliness and healing in Texas’ grand warmth, I started to get used to being alone and possibly never seeing my family again. My niece and sister came to visit me in Texas once, and beaus mom visited a couple times along with his aunt and uncle. But again, the holidays were just us three in our tank tops, putting up the tree, eating turkey and celebrating being alive. We did make a few trips to Nebraska in that interim.

My how much life has changed in two years. Beau went blind and life took on a whole new meaning. We both went through transitions of healing our hearts and souls and even Adam had his set of adjustments. Money commenced, warmth of the Texas heat was left behind, replaced by snow and wind and a life out in the middle of nowhere, except there was a difference here in Nebraska; family.

The holidays have a new shape to them now, spent among family, sharing the joy and laughter, but something is missing. As Adam (who did all the work) and I put our Christmas tree up this weekend, and beau sat on the sidelines moping, I realized life has changed all around for all of us.  Although we have his family surrounding us and special times are being had and memories are being wrapped in our hearts, we are still three people, in search of something we know we may never find.

Adam is off at school, I sit here writing and beau is absorbed in audiobooks and listening to movies. The holidays are upon us and it can be quite depressing. All I do know now is that I have the love of God in my heart and his plan is in action, and we all move with the fluctuation of the life energy that sustains us.

Ecc.7:3 Sorrow is better than laughter: for by the sadness of the countenance the heart is made better.


Yvonne said...

I grew up sharing holidays with a big family too. I have a big family of my own but I miss the aunts and uncles and cousins. I tell myself that my husband and I are building our own, that someday I will be surrounded and that my children's chidlren will have cousins and aunts and the whole package.

But I feel sad that my kids don't. I feel sad that I don't. I'm lonesome for the family I had. We make our neighbors our family as much as we can, but as you said something is still missing.

But you're right, God has a plan. I must have faith in that plan. Thanks for the reminder Joni--I spent a depressed weekend. :( I don't want to be sad, I truly LOVE the holidays.

joni said...

Thanks Von. I thought it was just me and I was being a big baby. But the more I look around I see people in a state of depression and it is not a good thing.

We need to pick ourselves up, kick ourselves in the butt, and be at least, a little happy. :)

My son is an only child so I try to make his life full of happiness. But that is kinda hard when the environment around you wreaks of depression.

I love the holidays too and I'll get through this. God won't let us down. :) He never does now, does He?

(((big virtual hug for you))))

I'll keep you in my prayers! :)

Yvonne said...

No you're not being a big baby. I spend so much time thinking about my family especially this time of the year.

You know what I don't understand? I don't understand how all those years I speant with my family, all those memories-good and bad-could mean so little to them. My story is posted over at F2K and, other than my mom, I have no family to tell.

They wrote me off the instant I moved away from home and made choices outside of what they pictured for me--you know outside of the box they had for me.

I'm glad I followed God's plan. I do feel like I'm on the right path, but sometimes I do whine, "why does it have to hurt so much?"

Hugs back to you. We just have big hearts that break easily. I'd never trade my heart in for one of those new-fangled, unbreakable hybrid-sized models. :) What the heck can you do with one of those?

joni said...

It hurts so much because WE are human! :) The others are just false advertisements of the real deal.

Loved this:
I'd never trade my heart in for one of those new-fangled, unbreakable hybrid-sized models. :) What the heck can you do with one of those?

I would add... and cosmetically induced...hybrid styled models.

They will break but that is what WE have that they don't, with God WE are strong and unbreakable!!! :)

Stay strong Von! :)