12 Steps to Cure Writing Addiction

Nothing you write, if you hope to be good, will ever come out as you first hoped. - Lillian Hellman
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I find that I am addicted to writing. I’ve decided to start my very own 12 step program to help me with my problem and I was thinking, maybe you’re addicted too? Let’s heal together. The first thing we need in our arsenal:

1. First you have to admit you have an addiction. Own up to it! Admitting you have a problem is always the very first step! Do you sit for hours on end, typing words onto a blank page, only to find your butt has grown a suction cup like bottom and is now stuck to the chair?

2. The second step is seeing the addiction for what it is. Yearning to sit at the computer for hours on end, craving words to be spilled onto the empty screen that longingly glares at you; calling out to you, needing to hear the hum of the computer to know it is working so you can begin to write, bleeding fingertips from hours upon hours of tapping on the keys, carpal tunnel syndrome AND arthritis setting into your bones; these are all good signs to look for.

3. Your third step is to look at the problem in the face and tackle it head on. DO NOT pull your hair out! You will need a sledgehammer in this instance, by your side. Not for the kid screaming from behind you, saying it was his turn hours ago. Or for the man repeatedly saying, “finish up,” as he plays ‘Taps’ with his fingers on a trash can lid.

4. Ah, the fourth step -- you’re getting there. You realize you have a  problem, and are now ready to take some form of  action against the issue of gnawing addictive writing.

5. Step five is a biggie. Look yourself in the mirror and say, “I love you, I want you healed, you’re special. I’m good enough, I’m smart enough, and doggone it, people like me!” Okay, the last half was a Stuart Smalley affirmation but you get the idea.

The next six steps you might want to skip because it could get ugly. You’re going to take the sledgehammer to the computer and beat it until it stops humming (or just turn it off), go for an enjoyable bike ride, purchase a kite, take long breathtaking walks through the sun-filled streets, look at human people once again, or have human contact in any fashion, and then, be like a kite and soar!

12. The 12th and final step into curing your addiction? Bend over, stick your head between your legs, and kiss your butt good-bye, because you’ve now come to the ugly conclusion...there is NO CURE! And why should there be a cure, YOU’RE A WRITER!