Monday, July 17, 2017


Proverbs 16:9 (NIV) “In his heart a man plans his course, but the LORD determines his steps.”


Diet and stress are my new high points in life at this moment as I persevere. I’ve deleted umpteen emails that are naggingly telling me what feeds this disease, what wakes up this disease, what to eat and when to eat. I’m now on the information overload of my system. Then this plant based diet got through to me. I took a deep breath and looked it over, not hating what I was seeing.

I want to try this diet but seriously, I’m not out for a diet based on what’s a good diet. I’m looking for sustenance in my health in healing this disease! Everything looks good except the acidic aspects of some of the foods. I just want what's best for my health.

July 25th will be my sixth-month mark since this diagnosis walked into my life like a volcano and erupted shifting everything in its path forcing me to rethink some things in my life, including the food I put into my mouth. I’ve badgered unhealthy eaters; I’ve even tried to twist some arms into change but then I came to an abrupt halt of my own hand pressing on my chest telling me to hold on now, STOP!

I don’t know if this is a bad habit or just a part of who I am but I always find myself worrying about everyone else but myself. Even now with this disease, I’m more concerned with those around me, their feelings, their eating habits, their unhealthy living.

When I say I’m done, I never mean it to be I’m giving up, I mean I’m done with everyone else! I’m done worrying about tiptoeing on their love or non-love. I’m done falling apart when my feelings are hurt. I’m done being something for all and nothing for myself. I can’t make people love me and that’s okay, I love me. I have to realize that I am the most important player in MY game of life. Actually, I am the ONLY player. 

Solitaire, it’s the game I’ve played all my life. Alone. Even with my most recent upset, I keep it to myself because when I share, I’m told what I should do, what I need to do, or I get silence, nothing at all. Yeah, I know it makes it hard to make a comment, but can’t someone just say something simple like, ‘I’m here for you’ and actually be there for me? I hear I’m here for you then don’t hear another word from them for months?

I’ve been wanting to write and post but really I’ve been writing and keeping it to myself because I’m virtually tired. I’m tired of all of the information, I’m tired of defending myself, and I’m tired of having to watch what I say. My son seems to think I have a lot to live for but quite honestly, I don’t see it. I might feel differently in a month or two but right now, I’m exhausted.

I have hope that one day, maybe when I’m gone my family and loved ones will FINALLY read MY blog, MY pains, MY thoughts and realize what they REALLY lost. I’ll tell them I hurt, they didn’t care that I hurt and were partly to blame for my hurt. I can’t be any more honest than that with myself. That is how I’m healing, letting go of the ones hurting me; even if that means the ones closest in my orbit who actually had the chance to love me but chose something else over me. 

Maybe being exhausted is a good thing because I can take the time to put things into perspective, see things from a different vantage point. It’s like looking out and knowing mountains are out there but not seeing them. It’s like driving to the mountains and finally seeing the glorious peaks and knowing the climb is the end game, not just observing beautiful mountains.

When I wake and ask God, what would you have me do for you today and He says rest, I want to give Him a Joni slap and say WHAAAT? But then I remember who He is and bow down and respond, Your will be done. Can I ever rest? Why do I feel like resting is giving up when I know it is just a pause in the machine I’m oiling. I have a little more work to do then…I’m done.

I have a doctors appointment tomorrow and she isn’t even a real doctor or anything, she’s a PA, a Physicians Assistant. What on earth is she going to do for me except reiterate why I need drugs and go the slice and dice method? That is what they are all programmed to say. I’m reading too much into the visit before I’ve even given the poor woman a chance. If she asks me what I’m doing, I’ll be honest with her and tell her, I’m choosing the way I die.

Don’t read more into that than I offer. I’m just not choosing to go down in a fetal position, in a hospice hooked to wires and drugs. I’m choosing to enjoy the Lord’s bounty of fruits and vegetables, His gifts to us and yet too many overlook because their eye is on the sweet, meaty prize, literally.

What I am doing and all that is left for me to do is prepare for my entry into Heaven and the walk that I look forward to. I seek that mountain with the snow-capped tops. I look toward the ascent to finally being free from the earth and all of the ignorance and disrespect strewed around like confetti on New Year’s Eve. When Jesus descended into hell, I just can’t imagine there is a place lower than this planet. I’m reaching for the summit in the sky…I’ll persevere here then move on to a place where I am truly loved and surrounded by love where ALL is love. I yearn for that. Peace out!

To God Be the Glory…

Pss. 37:37 "Mark the perfect man, and behold the upright: for the end of that man is peace."

Pss. 30:12 "To the end that my glory may sing praise to thee, and not be silent. O LORD my God, I will give thanks unto thee for ever."


benning said...

Wow! You are not having a good time recently. Jeepers! :O

If you need to REST then REST. Stop going all OCD on everything. It ain't helpful. Not to you, nor to anyone in your orbit. Relax when you need to, put your feet up, and scribble some rhymes on your writing pad. Give the Good Lord credit for being smart, and loving enough to know that you are still in your mortal body. HE knows you need rest from the insanity. So rest.

Don't make me wag my finger atcha! >:(

*HUGS!* Who gives a rip what uncaring acquaintances think, say, or do? Leave 'em in the dust, Toots. Stay strong! Adam is correct! As the song says, "You've got a lot of living to dooooooo!"

<3 :D

joni said...

Not giving a rip is so out of character for me. That is a harder challenge than anything I'm being asked to face.

I care too much. Shame it doesn't work two ways.

Thank you for caring! You're one dear friend who actually CARES! THank you! <3

NurseArtist said...

Joni. I admire your courage and spunk. I may be mistaken, but I think I'm reading that you don't like to rest, maybe that you feel resting is giving up. Rest is simply one of the body's self healing processes. It's giving your body a chance to recharge it's batteries and gain strength for the fights ahead. Ben is right. Listen to your body. And please...just because we don't all reply to your daily posts does not mean we don't care. Some days I don't even get on the computer because I've been on one at work all day doing other things, like writing articles for the newspaper, or planning the next children's library project. I'm not rejecting you. And if I'm not, perhaps others might be in the same boat. I read a lot of your posts, but sometimes I'm not feeling well myself. I have a husband fighting Agent Orange Disease and he demands a lot of attention. But I love you like a sister, and one of my goals before I die is to come to Minden and meet you in person. Hang in there, Joni. The world needs people like you. I need you.

joni said...

Awww Thank you, Dixie! Love you too.

I remember long ago in kindergarten when the teacher would tell us to nap, I never could. lol

I just always seem to keep going when my body or God says to me REST! It's like I wasn't built to rest.

And my friends, they are the most awesome solid support to me! If I didn't have you all, surely I would just roll over and die. I'm just not there yet.

I'm working through the good and the bad and fortunately or unfortunately I HAVE to write about it. I need my family, who will one day wonder what they missed communicating with me, and they will find my blog and read it and maybe open their own eyes to what mortality costs.

Please don't tell me to communicate with them because that has been tried thousands of times and it's clear, I'm just not worth it to them. Sad but true. THey were the first ones I told that I had cancer (except my elderly mother). Sad situation but I do have my friends, my spiritual family that God made certain were with me during this time!

I thank you all!!! <3 <3 <3